Member: richard m
Location: sarasota, fla
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 10:47:00

Comments

i am an alcoholic , my name is richard.... it took awhile to figure this one out about 4 years..i begin on dec 28, 1985.....and consider myself fairly inteligent..... alccohol is cunning , baffling and powerfull and can easily confuse and baffel the best of us !!!!!! of course the suggestion is , regardle ss of our personal circumstances ....do not pick up a drink ...please !!!!! we will probably livethru the problem and a drink will not help !!!!!!


Member: Sam J
Location: Tenn.
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 11:11:12

Comments

Taking this step was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. All my life, I had never accepted anything I didn't like and I didn't like the idea of being an alcoholic. Many years ago,(1965), I knew there was something abnormal about my drinking and I started attending AA. (At this time, I had experienced very little real consequences of my drinking). I found it very easy at meetings to state my name and that I am an alcoholic. The only trouble was that I didn't accept it. I continued this insane pattern for over 10 more years. During this time, I was fortunate enough to enjoy the real benefits of my alcoholic drinking,(3 divorces, 4 alienated children, several suicide attempts, total loss of self respect, unable to distinguish fantasy from reality, jail every time I got out of the house, total rejection of any belief in a higher power). I enjoyed all of this glorious lifestyle that I could stand. I know exactly when I hit bottom. It was Nov. 13, 1975. I had driven everyone away who had ever cared about me or tried to help me. At last, I was TOTALLY alone. I can't find the words to describe the feeling. This is when I was finally able to open my mind just a tiny crack and say my first prayer. I simply asked"If there is such a thing as a God, will you please help me?" To my surprise, the compulsion to drink was suddenly removed and I was free for the first time in many years. I knew then that there was help for me. I try not to push the God angle too much because others may feel the same way I did when I first came into AA, but I have come to realize that I am nothing without my higher power. I know it is very difficult to admit complete defeat, but it was only then that I was able to accept the help that had always been there for me. Thanks for being there and for letting me share. May God bless each of you. Sam


Member: Steamer
Location: Sacramento
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 13:01:06

Comments

I had no problem with this step once I hit bottom. As I herd said, "This step took me, I didn't take it." How nice it is today be sober, having a place to live, food to eat, telephone, electricity......living like a real human beinng, all made possible just by not driniking.....amazing isn't it?


Member: Steamer L.
Location: Sacramento
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 13:02:19

Comments

I had no problem with this step once I hit bottom. As I herd said, "This step took me, I didn't take it." How nice it is today be sober, having a place to live, food to eat, telephone, electricity......living like a real human beinng, all made possible just by not driniking.....amazing isn't it?


Member: John H
Location: London, England
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 16:08:53

Comments

John an alcoholic here.

I have today finally realised that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I never thought that I was. I was lying to myself. To other alcoholics at meetings. Today I have decided that if I continue drinking I will Die.


Member: Sharon F.
Location: Ohio
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 17:12:55

Comments

Hello, I'm an alcoholic named Sharon. The day I realized that I am an alcoholic, was when I preparing for a 2 week vacation. I was so happy. It was the first time we had gone on a real vacation, and life was good. But my drinking was a continued problem. People had been fired because of me,and if not fired, quit their jobs. It effected 4 people in all. (job wise) Others I will not mention at this time. I realized that I had a problem when because I was happy, I drank, just one drink, that's all, then later I couldn't raise my head up, and couldn't figure out how I had gotten to that point. That moment was when i figured out that I was powereless over alcohol and that I had a drinking problem! This was an extreem blessing, for it got me back into AA. A friend in the program, would contact me, or I would contact him, and he would ask me how I was doing that day, had I stayed sober, or did I drink? When I would reply that I had stayed sober that day, he would tell me that I was doing good, a great job, doing well! And I could tell he meant it, just didn't know what the heck he was talking about. I knew I had a problem, knew I had to get back into AA, but still didn't know what was going to keep me here, and how to be happy. Finally, at a marriage counseling session, I was asked by the councelor, so are you determined to stay sober? I instantly got angry with her, and said, "I am determined to stay sober today!" That is the very moment that I realized what my friend had been talking about. Staying sober today! One day at a time! From that day on my life got much more managable! Do these steps work? You betcha! 1 day at a time!


Member: JCP
Location: W.Pa.
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 18:26:12

Comments

J here, a grateful alcoholic.

I drank daily for seven years, some nights more than others but always beyond any reasonable breath test expectations.

Concealment was my means -- work started early and I contrived to "really throw one" the evening before a day off. I since have found out my employer sent people to rehab, but under the same circumstances I still would think twice before going in to confess.

Admitting is scary. It changes everything.

My first go at the steps, I thought all along I was NOT going to make it. Even as I closed in on a year of avoiding that first drink, I still wanted it.

Even after months of trudging all the way up the steps a first time, I discerned haplessly that I had maybe arrived at Step 2 -- not 12, but still not Step 1 anymore.

A funny thing would happen on my tedious way to a spiritual awakening. I got help from a misquote, I believe, when someone in a discussion said Dr. Bob, the co-founder, had said the desire to drink never left him.

If you have a citation on that, I'd like to see it, but so far as I know, what Dr. Bob did say is this:

"Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one-half years of abstinence."

No problem, if I sober on a misquote, and Dr. Bob speaks for himself, but what I finally got through my head at last was that WANTING to drink is not the same as DRINKING.

Simple? Moreover, like Dr. Bob seems to say in the BB, it has happened since than that I do seldom feel any urge to drink.

It all started with admitting, but somehow it seems to match the idiocy of my drinking if I admitted it as the result of a misquote.

Peace. Keep coming back.<dixyflier@usa.net>


Member: scotty d.
Location: new jersey
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 19:32:42

Comments

hello all im scotty alchy and drug addict.. the 1st step is so improtant up by me they say thats the only one you need to do 100% right 1 day at a time .. although the steps are to be in our lives , its a way of life . when im troubled about anything i have to look at it and say am i powerless over it , most of the time it is . it wasnt till i surrendered and admitted that i was powerless over alchohol and drugs , that was the first time in my life that i surrenderd and won.... you see i was allways a fighter, on everything .. so the concept of surrendering was just the oppisite of what i was thingking to do about this problem .... since i have addmitted i was powerless i have been sober for 3yrs , and my life has never been better .. i havent gained more finances , nor differnt job or anything like that .. what i found was what i was looking for in the bottle.. peace and happiness in my heart and soul...... i thank god for a.a. and the people in it.. writing this has helped me and i hope it has helped someone else .. keep it simple and no matter what the problem ,,,,a drink will only make it worse god bless all please stay sober


Member: Jack W.
Location: East Coast
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 22:03:50

Comments

Hi, My name is Jack and I'm an alcoholic and addict. Looking back on it, I had no problem with the 1st part of this step until about 6 months had gone by and things started to look a little brighter. My disease wants me to forget - our Big Book also says the same thing. Other difficult times were when I was on the pitty pot and was convinced that I was missing out on all the fun life had to offer. What a bunch of nonsense! I had more than my share of what I perceived to be "fun" before I got to A.A. and now know that it was not reality and that most, if not all my "friends" were "rent-a-friends". You know, if you have money and other things, well then you were just a great guy at that moment.

The second part of Step One took years for me to grasp with the help of a sponsor. Finally, one day I was able to understand that alcohol had been dictating my life - how I managed and spent my time - how I managed and spent my money - whom I hung out with - what women I dated - what jobs I took and quit - my relationships with my family and others - everything! No. Alcohol was the "manager" of my life. I just tried to survive it. Once I took hold of this fact, then I really did start to see the unmanagability of my life. Only then when the old timers would say, "The more I come to A.A., the more I know I belong here." did that start to make sense to me.


Member: Steve F.
Location: Wenham, MA, USA
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 23:09:04

Comments

Steve, alcoholic.

I'm relatively new to AA and this site - about three months. Therefore, I'm very glad that the discussion is finally back around to Step 1, so I feel like I can participate.

Thanks to Jack W. for reminding me about the importance of the second part of Step 1. After 37 years of drinking, sometimes out of control, but often struggling to keep control over it, it was easy for me to admit that I was powerless over alcohol. However, it was not so easy for me to accept the fact that my life had become unmanageable. I'm sure other people in my AA group think of me as a so-called "high-bottom" drunk because I still have my wife and family, my job, my house, my driver's license, and my cars. But Jack hit the nail on the head for me - although my alcoholism has not taken everything from me (yet), it was dictating the way I lived my life, even when I was trying to control my drinking. I especially related to what Jack said about alcohol dictating how he managed and spent his time, and his money. For me, I'd make one slight change. I'd say it was my alcoholism that dictated how I managed and spent my time and money, as well as how I related to my job, my family and everyone and everything else in my life.

Just so I don't forget (like Jack says, my disease wants me to forget), I tell God in my prayers every morning that I am powerless over alcohol, and that my life is unmanageable. It is getting better though. Yesterday I went to a wedding, and today is my 53rd birthday. There was a time in my life when such a weekend would have been an unmitigated drunken disaster. However, I am still sober. I am very grateful that God and AA are now such an important part of my life.

Thank you for the opportunity to share.


Member: JJS
Location: PA
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 23:13:36

Comments

Hello, JJ here. Grateful recovering alcoholic. It was the second part of the 1st step that got me here. I just couldn't live the way I was living anymore. I said a short prayer for help, and an amazing calm came over me. I drank a few more days, but with no effects, just tapering off I guess. I knew I was an alcoholic for years, just didn't care. Since that prayer and the sense of peace I was given, My higher power has given me the gift of sobriety, along with many others to numerous to mention. There have been lots of ups and downs, but nothing that I have ever thought a drink would fix. I love this simple program, the Big Book, my sponsor and friends, and especially the relationship I have with that Higher Power. "Thanks" is my constant prayer. If I ever fall back, they told me to be sure to land on the 1st step. One day at a time I deal with life on life's terms, and today it's great. Love you all.


Member: Mary A
Location: Florida
Date: 06 Jun 1999
Time: 23:21:45

Comments

Hi:

My name is Mary And I'm an alcoholic. And, I was the last one to know it too! People called me one long before I knew what one really was. I took it as a compliment. I thought they thought I was great because I could drink so much. I was also powerless over alcohol long before I knew it too. And, my life was unmanageable too because of those people in my life that were really nuts. So...how I ever moved to the rest of the steps was a sheer miracle. Thanks, Mary A.


Member: alan h
Location: west virginia
Date: 07 Jun 1999
Time: 00:13:21

Comments

hi, i'm an alcoholic and my name is alan. by the time i got to aa i had no problem admitting that i was indeed an alcoholic. i absolutley could not stay undrunk. no matter how badly i wanted too i could not not drink. it took me a good while however to come to grips that my life was unmanagable. utter chas, yes, unmanagable, well i struggled. then the day came that i was sentenced to prison. my sponsor patted me on the back and said, "how managable is your life today?" while in prison i had a good while to look at my life. i came up with the profound conclusion that my life is unmanagable because i have a spirit problem. afterall, isn't that what alcoholism truly is? the lack of "God."


Member: mark
Location: idaho
Date: 07 Jun 1999
Time: 01:04:39

Comments

my name is mark alcoholic i drink one then it drinks me sober nine years than three years of i drink one then it drinks me been sober two days shameful about going back to meetings forty years old living with parents divorced twice two children years probation at work for preformance first step thats me


Member: Karma D
Location:
Date: 07 Jun 1999
Time: 07:17:51

Comments

Hi fellow members. Step one took a long time for me to grasp,I did not want to be powerless over this drinking,I did not want this alcohol to have the hold it had on me .I fought it the whole nine yards,mean while my life was falling apart.I found a sponser and with her guidence I came to believe I was powerless over this thing.So as I admited defeat,and started useing my sponser and all the other resorses out there ever so slowly I belief in my higer power was restored,as I said before my higher power never left me I choose not to believe. I don't have perfect days, but they are sure better than the HELL I was living in all these years. Faith is very strong and I believe strongly in the fellowship


Member: Betty
Location: Florida
Date: 07 Jun 1999
Time: 07:29:32

Comments

Good Monday Morning Everyone !!! You never know exactly how powerless you are until you come face to face with the "Demon" Just went to a simple wedding over the week end and I would wager to bet that over 60% of the people their celebrated the union of this couple by getting (and I kid you not)...totally wasted. I watched for so long.....saw the motions slow, heard the words slur, the 'pat yourself on the back' lines were getting so bad that they began to sound funny. I guess this has become their strength and my weakness. Something I will have to fight with everyday of my life. I actually didn't feel the desire this time, and was truly grateful that I wasn't part of the 'in' crowd that day. I have good days and bad days. I'm glad I work so far from home, because after a horrible day at the office, the long ride home gives me the time to unwind and talk myself out of that 'one' drink. The battle never goes away....... Keep me in your prayers. Betty


Member: RICH
Location: Ridley Park,Pa.
Date: 07 Jun 1999
Time: 09:04:08

Comments

Hi everyone, I belive you work the first step before you come into the program. It's while I was drinking and drugging that I realized my powerlessness and unmanagability. That's why I came to A.A. Rich B.


Member: Lesley M.
Location: Saskatoon, SK, Canada
Date: 07 Jun 1999
Time: 12:12:25

Comments

My name is Lesley and I am an alcoholic. I love step 1. I think I need to quit reciting my drunkalog and get on with seeing how my life continues to be powerless and unmanagable. It is so important for me to continuously realise that just taking alcohol out of my bloodstream does not make me a sober individual. THe more I realise that I still can get all mixed up ("stinking thinking"), the more I am able to admit that I need the help that I find and get in AA. Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful because it manifests it's problems in ways that have nothing to do with the 40 proof that ran through my body. I have a living problem that I tried to solve with a drinking solution. Today I have to decide to solve my problems (or celebrate my victories) in a manner different than what my alcoholic mind would tell me is appropriate. Step 1 is the only way that I can decide to continue to do something differently. It is the gateway to my freedom. I wish you all another 24 hours.


Member: eleanor
Location: campbell river b.c
Date: 07 Jun 1999
Time: 18:29:54

Comments

Could someone tell me how to join a meeting in b.c Dominic@connected .bc.ca


Member: JCP
Location: W.Pa.
Date: 07 Jun 1999
Time: 19:29:59

Comments

Eleanor, this has the BC referemce, if I typed it right.

http://www.aa.org/ectroff.html

(I'm J, a grateful alcoholic)

I think you'll find good AA being served there.

dixyflier@adelphia.net


Member: Richard A.G
Location: London (SE)UK
Date: 07 Jun 1999
Time: 21:18:08

Comments

Hello My name is Richard and I am an alcoholic.I have been 4 days sober. I am glad that step 1 is being discussed. I was completely powerless and I had to reach rock bottom.Suicide attempt and severe clinical depression. In the last year my binge drinking got out of hand completely.Last 6 months alcohol and me were close friends,None of my other friends recognised how bad it got. It was when I was admitted into hospital with clinical depression that I realised how powerless I was over alcohol.Sneaky drinks etc.My last drink was on June 3rd 1999 and my first AA meeting on 5th June. I recognise how alcohol damaged my mental health. I will keep going to the meetings and this web site when I cannot sleep


Member: NELSON
Location: TROUT RIVER, ONT.
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 03:10:51

Comments

WHEN I FIRST CAME INTO AA I WAS AT STEP ONE. NOW I AM AT STEP TWO SO I WILL WAIT ANOTHER WEEK FOR THE REST OF YOU GUYS TO CATCH UP. BY THE WAY, MY NAME IS NELSON AND I AM COMING TO SEE THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM.


Member: Geri W
Location: Va
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 05:21:17

Comments

Geri, a very grateful alcoholic here. Hello family.

One of the many reasons I am grateful is that when I first walked into the doors of AA, I knew I was an alcoholic and had proved that my life was unmanagable. I just need to figure a way out of the Hell I had created for myself.I needed hope that there was a answer.

To me, step one would be useless unless I had step 2. There was a way to restore my sanity. ( insanity being doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results).

Step 1 - I came Step 2 - Came to believe Step 3 - Decided to let Him

Oh, I grieved the loss of my best friend ( who had turned against me ) alcohol. It had finally let me down and then kicked my a##. It no longer gave me the relief I had come to depend on. Instead it was running my life. It told me when to get up, where to go, what to do and then decided when I could pass out. I had reached the point the Big Book describes so well.

The fact is, I was totally ready for Step 1. Thank God it was there waiting for me.


Member: Lee J.
Location: TN
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 08:03:40

Comments

Lee here, Alcoholic. Ten years sober in 1997 turned into a downward spiral for the last two years. On-again/off-again, the wagon just kept circling for me. Coming to terms with this one step is tough when nothing devastating has happened in your life. Two weeks ago, I admitted to myself that I am powerless over alcohol, but is my life unmanageable? I have a nice home great kids, loving, corporate husband, and a great job that I love. No one knows about my daily drinking, sneaking and self-loathing the following day. What God has opened my eyes to is that WE know. As his child, I feel shame and disgust for letting this precious gift of life He has given me to become an existance and not a quest for love, honesty and service. And so here I am again, determined to see it through this time....when 10 years pass (or however many do) I must not be lulled into believing that I can handle the drinking again....in time the memories of the reality of drinking do become dull and there is where that little Step One really counts. I am powerless over alcohol therefore my life is unmanageable....no matter how it may appear to others..that is my truth and I must carry that for the rest of my life if I am to stay sober.


Member: John J.
Location: Allenton, Wi
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 09:48:08

Comments

My name is jeff and I am an alcoholic/ drug addict. I have been on and off the program for a long time now, and hoping one day at a time that I will continue. It is tough to get this program, my mind seems to think that I will be alright next time, if I am careful. I pray that I have hit my bottom, and that it is not to come. But part of me just knows that I have not had my last drink, part of me wants it today! What a crazy mess this disease will make of our lives, I am indeed frustrated!


Member: John J.
Location: Allenton, Wi
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 09:48:58

Comments

My name is John and I am an alcoholic/ drug addict. I have been on and off the program for a long time now, and hoping one day at a time that I will continue. It is tough to get this program, my mind seems to think that I will be alright next time, if I am careful. I pray that I have hit my bottom, and that it is not to come. But part of me just knows that I have not had my last drink, part of me wants it today! What a crazy mess this disease will make of our lives, I am indeed frustrated!


Member: BillS
Location: Ohio
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 12:26:29

Comments

Hi - Bill here for the first time. Like many others, the big step is ADMITTING that I am powerless and am NOT in control. That it controls me. It was so hard to convince myself of this, since I rarely drink to excess, but always required several drinks every evening. I would find myself thinking about that first drink as I drove home from work. It no longer was an option to drink, it became a necessity. Yesterday was my first alcohol-free day I can remember in a long time; and I feel great today. We'll take it one day at a time and celebrate each day of sobriety.


Member: Deirdre
Location: New York City
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 14:15:30

Comments

I really like the "We" of the first step. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable". With that "we" there is hope for me. That I don't have to fight this disease alone. That there are people who have been through the same things and whose sobriety and lives depend upon helping another alcoholic like me and countless others. And now, after six years of ups and downs, the program and way of life is starting to make sense to me. Keep plugging away. If you put the effort in, if you are honest and follow the dictates of your higher power, YOU CAN NOT FAIL. The rewards are trememdous. I never thought I would ever change. I was always dreaming and scheming up new ways to manage my own life.

When I gave that up and started leaving the results up to God, life has begun to go a lot smoother. A huge burden has been lifted. I am a lot more effective. I have a lot more energy. I have the desire to help other people. What can I do for others today? What can I do to serve God today? When things go awry in my life, instead of getting caught up in the drama, I think "It is not so much as what happens to me, but rather how my experience can benefit others".

To come from passing out in a black-out, not knowing how I got home, feeling so ashamed and fearful all the time, to being EXCITED about my life, to having options and choices today, to have a restored sense of wonder and adventure, and to be able to experience and be present for life today...is extraordinarily unbelievable. I never thought I would feel this way. It is what I searched for in alcohol. Trust me, this way is a whole lot better

Find your way to a Big Book Study meeting. Study and live the solution that is outlined in its pages. Find someone who has been through the steps and continues to live by them and ask him/her to be your sponsor. This is an experience that you must not miss!

I remember the hope that I felt after attending my first AA meeting in 1993 when I was a senior in college. This hope has been intensified and magnified after finally being motivated by several painful experiences to work the steps.

There is more to just not drinking and going to meetings. Put the effort in and the rewards will be yours. Whether you are new, just coming back, or find yourself treading water in your program, jump right in. This is a deadly disease. Don't waste time.

I can complicate things, so I try to keep it simple. What has helped me recently is the end of the story "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict" that goes:

"Acceptance is the key to my relationship with GOd today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather,I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that's God's will for me".

Good luck and God Bless!


Member: DOROTHY R.
Location: FLINT,MICHIGAN
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 17:33:49

Comments

I'm an alcohalic name dorothy. the first step wasn't hard for me to admitt,in and out of jail because of alcohal ,I did other drugs to but Idid have a problem with drinking. Thank "GOD" a judge saw something in me I didn't see. Today I'm living into my ninth year. GODbless recovery. Stay sober and live good.

DOROTHY R.


Member: Richard A.G
Location: London (SE) UK
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 20:21:29

Comments

Hi I am Richard and I am an alcoholic.Still unable to sleep but grateful that I remain sober(5 days). It is hard but then life has its challenges particularly if you are gay and mormon and the church chucks you out.However in comparison my alcolism was more than challenging.It nearly cost me my life and mental health. However I know my Heavenly Parents love and care for me very much andI must have jumped a step a head and cannot wait till next week's discussion.Sorry if I have broken protocul and decided to send another contribution this week


Member: R. LeeP
Location: NJ
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 21:48:14

Comments

Some folks have higher bottoms than others. I was sober for almost 7 years, then met a lady who likes an occasional glass of wine. I figured an occasional beer with her would not hurt. I figured wrong... I married the lady and within 18 months, I was drinking better than half a bottle of vodka a day. I started to fall all over the place and black out. I smashed a toilet tank with my head in one of these falls and got a brain bruise for my trouble. Now my life is MRI's, outpatient rehab and trying to work the steps. I am powerless over alcohol and readily admit it. Even after 7 years, this thing came roaring back like a tiger. Now I'm 30 days sober and hanging on tight.. I believe step one with everything in me. There is no going back to where we were. It is a patient disease and it waits for us. It takes us not from the beginning again, but from where we left off. I'm hanging on to God and the program and praying each day for the strength not to drink, just for today.


Member: Cristy
Location: ohio
Date: 08 Jun 1999
Time: 21:52:22

Comments

Cristy , Alcoholic I am still having trouble with accepting powerless, I want to find acceptance but it is difficult. I want to experience peace and good health.Maybe I should just behave as if I have acceptance and it will come.I don't know, struggling. Thanks for the chance to share.


Member: Sandy B
Location: Massachusetts
Date: 09 Jun 1999
Time: 09:15:05

Comments

Hi Everyone. My name is Sandy and I am definately an alcoholic. I was in the program for 15 years and thought I could try it again. What a joke. I have been drinking for the past 5 years and have made gallant attempts at quitting a few times along the way. Needless to say, I know I am still powerless over alcohol. Last night I called someone from AA and talked for over an hour with her. I am running back to this program. Today is day 1 again but this time I'm going to go back to meetings and be honest. Thanks for listening and please pray for me


Member: Rachael M.
Location: St. Pete, FL
Date: 09 Jun 1999
Time: 11:53:54

Comments

My name is Rachael and I AM an alcoholic. This is a great meeting and I'm glad I found it. I am so grateful to know today of my powerlessness because living with it and not knowing what was wrong with me was the worst thing ever. TO Richard AG.- hang in there, it doesn't always feel this bad-it gets better. TO R. LeeP.- Welcome back. I'm glad to hear it's not any better out there because it saves me a white chip. TO Sandy B.-I am praying for you just don't give up. The greatest advice ever given to me was-"under no condition or circumstance, no matter what happens-don't pick up-just don't drink" I am an alcoholic and I'm glad I know that today.


Member: MaryJ
Location: Seattle
Date: 09 Jun 1999
Time: 13:13:21

Comments

HI,

I'm Mary and an alcoholic. I just attended a meeting last night that was about the first step and I feel like I am being gently reminded to redo this step. Admitting that I was powerless over alcohol was not that difficult for me. Many people in my life had hinted that I may have a problem with drinking too much.

The difficulty was accepting the fact that I was powerless over alcohol and could not do anything about it by myself. The honesty that it takes is a very hard thing to do and the first thing I as an alcoholic have to do is to be honest with myself and hold myself accountable.

Being an alcoholic, I always want to be in control which is an oxymoron since I am an alcoholic, I am not in control.

Admitting and accepting this first step is the first phase of beginning an honest relationship with myself.

Thanks for sharing and listening.


Member: Joe A.
Location: Portland, Oregon
Date: 09 Jun 1999
Time: 16:08:28

Comments

Joe A. from Portland here.

First, let me say that I never was a Third Chapter type of alcoholic. I was a Fifth Chapter type: with grave mental and emotional problems.

The fact remains that I am NOT powerless over alcohol until I turn my life and will over to the CONTROL of it. Without realizing what I was doing, every time in my life that I took a drink, I was saying, "Lord God Alcohol, I turn my life and will over to you. Do with me anything you please."

It did, indeed it did. The result was that my life had become unbearable, so bad, in fact, that in self-defense (and for that reason only), I was forced to stop worshipping Lord God Alcohol.

When I took that first drink, it made a new man out of me. The trouble was, the new man wanted a dring also. When I took the second drink, I began to be bullet-proof (or so I thought).

Today, I realize and accept that I am allergic to alcohol. When I drink at all, sooner or later I break out...in drunks. When I start breaking out is drunks, I start breaking in...to prisons! I have been there and done that. I want no more part of that life-style. It sucks, big time!

In AA, it has been possible for me to evolve into a different person than I was when I got here, but to do that required a mind that was working the way it is designed to work. My mind doesn't work worth a tinker's dam when it is under the influence of alcohol.

It has now been more than 28 years since my last drink, and I still think that it is in my own enlightened self-interest not to drink (at least not today, maybe tomorrow, but not today).

There are many different ideas about what is an alcoholic. Here is mine: an alcoholic is anyone who cannot GUARANTEEE that he/she can "get away with" drinking.

Love to all from Joe Allison of Portland, Oregon.


Member: Rich R, slowly recovering compulsive person
Location: Detroit, MI
Date: 09 Jun 1999
Time: 17:09:29

Comments

Step 1 was hard for me because I didn't drink every day. I could have a six-pack of my favorite ale in the refrigerator for 6 months and it didn't tempt me. BUT, every once in a while off I would go and do something quite out of character for which I felt shame and remorse the next day. But I could never avoid doing it again until I came to AA and took step 1. Admitting unmanageablity was tough too. It reminded me of those little bamboo cylinders that fit over the ends of your fingers, the more you pull the tighter they get. It harder ever occurs to anyone to push instead of pull. But when you push (admit defeat) it beocmes rediculously easy! Thanks.


Member: Caroline P.
Location: Austin, TX
Date: 09 Jun 1999
Time: 18:55:43

Comments

Hi Everyone! It is so great to see all of the newer people coming into the program, and understanding their powerlessness. Keep trying the suggestions from the Big Book!

I was pretty sure I was an alcoholic, but knowing it did not motivate me to ask for help. It was not until I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. Then I was willing to ask for help. Even so, I was not sure how my drinking related to the other problems in my life. I remember in treatment they had us go around while we sat in a circle and give an example of how drinking had caused us problems. I was scared, and relieved I was last. I started to see how others lives had become unmanagable, but I still had a lot of work to do. It was not clear to me that I had lost jobs from my drinking, because I would not drink on the job. What I did not see, was that I was able to work only where there was alcohol being served. I could not see that I was "calling in sick" and was therefore unreliable, because I was hungover. I also did not think that there was a problem with my work, even though I was obviously not happy when I was not drinking. The wall of denial was not only very tall for me, but very wide. As I began to see that I could not cope with the world without drinking, I decided to ask if I could go to a halfway house. The councelor was relieved,I am sure. It was finally clear to me that I had a long way to go. I had basically no idea what I was doing. So, I decided I had better stay close to the meetings. Then I decided I had better make sure I REALLY knew my first step, so I promised myself I would go to at least one "first step meeting" a week. I kept my promise, and went to a first step meeting every week - for two or three YEARS! I began to realize that as an alcoholic, I could never go to enough first step meetings! I was finally understanding that I cannot have any power over alcohol - including intellectual power.

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciouness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." Big Book pg. 24

I know now that God can do for me what no human power can. There is a solution! Keep working the steps!

One Day At A Time - Caroline


Member: st  blue 24
Location: w pa
Date: 09 Jun 1999
Time: 19:27:50

Comments

1986, i cunningly convinced myself under the influence I could leave my 9 month old son home alone while I mosied down the street to the nearest bar. Sat there for hours drunk, knowing I needed to get home. Did it a few times till someone turned me in and I was arrested. He was taken by strangers and the state, I was put in jail. Next day called a rehab. The next few years I got a year clean, went out for 2 months, got another year and a half sober, out again, 22months sober and out again for 2 months. Christmas day 1991 is my sobriety date, and this program is a GIFT and I am a greatful recovering alcoholic. The big book says to enlarge our spiritual condition. and the Rx for that is work with another alcoholic. If you ain't prayin, you ain't stayin. And its not the caboose that kills you its the engine. If you don't want to fall out of bed, get in the middle. Get in the middle of the program. Become a worker among workers. Work the steps, go to lots of meetings. Last year, I had the desire to drink one evening, because I became overwhelmed with tomorrow, and next month, and six months down the road. As soon as I touched base with God and told Him that I trusted him. I picked some other still suffering alkie up, went to a meeting. The desire went away. Trust God clean house, help others.


Member: JCP
Location: W.Pa.
Date: 09 Jun 1999
Time: 22:50:19

Comments

First Things First


Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 09 Jun 1999
Time: 23:56:00

Comments

Larry, alcoholic

When my life became unmanageable enough (my "bottom"), I went to shrink. I knew I had an alcohol problem, that I abused alcohol, but wasn't quite sure I was an alcoholic. My role-model alcoholics were my father and grandfather, who were "classic" skid row drunks. I still had a good job, OK finances, etc. I wasn't an everyday drinker (although I was an "almost-everyday-drinker" - LOL), but I was a fall-down, blackout drunk when I did drink.

So when I went to the psychiatrist, I didn't have a desire to stop drinking, I only had a desire to stop getting shitfaced drunk. He quickly straightened me out. I listened to him because (1) my life was getting messed up pretty badly (my wife had taken the kids and left), so I was receptive to what he had to say; and (2) he didn't judge me or criticize me or put me down. He dispassionately described my condition: alcoholism. It helped that he discussed it in terms of a disease rather than a moral failing. I was convinced I had a willpower or self-discipline problem, not a disease. He convinced me that I was powerless over alcohol. I already knew I was powerless after the first drink, but he convinced me that I was powerless over the first drink as well. The most important part of the first step for me isn't explicitly stated in the step: I already knew my life was unmanageable, I became convinced that I was powerless over alcohol, and now I had to ACCEPT THAT I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. So I went to AA and got sober.

I truly believe I have a 100% perfect first step. I have hardly been a model AA. At one time or another I have failed to follow just about every suggestion you'll hear in AA. I have done a lot of the wrong things and failed to do a lot of the right things. The only thing that saw me through these "dry drunks" was the absolute certainty that for me, to drink is to die. And dying isn't even the worst part. I've seen alcohol kill a number of family members, including my father. It's a cruel, merciless killer. It takes your job and your family and your health, and your dignity and your sanity and your freedom. Only when there's nothing left to take, it kills you in the most gruesome way.

I think it's important to "keep it fresh", to never forget my last drunk. AA helps me do that. All the people who relapse in AA - from people with only a few days to those with many years of sobriety - seem to have one thing in common: they somehow allowed the thought to sneak into their minds that they could drink again. They either lost their first step or never really had it to begin with. That's why I love first step discussions; it helps me to never forget.

Peace & Serenity


Member: Jan W.
Location: Yucca Valley, CA
Date: 10 Jun 1999
Time: 12:48:07

Comments

Jan - Alcoholic,addict....If I look at my life before AA and what a mess it was (always), then I could say that taking the first step (the first time) was relatively easy. My last drinking adventures had left me sober - I couldn't get drunk even though I pumped in volumes of most anything I could get my hands on. Talk about scary. God just put his hand on my life (one more time) and said, OK, try this on for size. During this time a friend told me about AA and being the little manipulator that I was I quickly ran to a library, checked out books, skimmed thru them and laid them around the house for OTHERS to read. You see I figured that if they would straighten up and GET IT....I would be just fine. It was them and they who simply didn't understand all the tragedy, abuse and pain I had gone thru in my life. Well, guess what, they wouldn't read the books! So, not getting the attention I thought my idea had deserved, I agreed (through gritted teeth- as usual) to go to an AA meeting. Trust me, I will never forget that night. The feeling I had by just walking thru the doors has never left me because it was the first time I truly felt that I belonged anywhere. I felt warm and loved and accepted. I feel that everytime I go to any meeting. In these past 24 years however, I manage to forget to take the first step every morning like I should and at times my life just goes to hell in a hand basket. I spent the last 8 years not going to meetings because I was simply too busy, was in a rural area and didn't like the meetings, you name it. Through the grace of my HP I managed to stay sober....don't ask me how because with my drinking background there is no way I should have been able to do that....but I did. It's back to basics, HP will love you until you learn to love yourself. I am back in meetings now because, once again, my back was to a wall. This time, it took my having to lay myself off from an excellent job (though full of mayhem and chaos and not where I should have been anyway), getting to a place where I couldn't even leave my home without a plan to do so, and finding myself sitting in a counselors office screaming (to myself) what is wrong with me? (DUH). Today, at 53, I find myself looking at myself as I did when I was a newcomer (which I should have been doing all along), and feeling serene again. I plan not to test my program anymore because, when I look back now, I realize how close to the edge I was many times. I love AA and finding this site was my HP at work again and I am so-o-o-o grateful. Thank you for allowing me to share.


Member: Pierre S.
Location: Grapevine Tx
Date: 10 Jun 1999
Time: 16:47:36

Comments

To st blue 24, I have some of the same experience as you do in leaving an infant home alone . My wife travelled a lot while I was Mr. Mom after my daughter was born. I lost my job because of drinking when my wife was 6 months pregnant. She had the baby, went back to work and I stayed home for the next 2 years in a complete state of "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization ". I would sometimes pass out early in the evenings after putting my daughter in her crib. On awakening I'd also " mosey down the street " to the closest bar to continue my drinking until the bar closed at 2:00AM, leaving this helpless infant alone .

I've been arrested a couple of times for DUI but never for abandoning my child, or for neglect or abuse. I could have very easily had the same experience as you . . . but for the grace of God.

Countless times during those years I placed my daughter's life in jeopardy through recklessness and /or neglect . During that time I would have told you that my life was "manageable" .

There was a time when I couldn't talk or even think about what I just shared here because I was so filled with shame and guilt .

There's a happy ending. Today I'm free not only of alcohol but also the guilt and fear and shame that consumed me for so many years .

Although I cannot change the past, I'm trying to live a different / better life today and have many opportunities to make amends in my every day life . My last drink was on January 30 of 1985 . What a wonderful Gift God has given us in Alcoholics Anonymous !

Love and Prayers to all.

Pierre S.


Member: Kathy H
Location: Maryland
Date: 10 Jun 1999
Time: 16:50:09

Comments

Hi,my name is Kathy and I'm an alcoholic. First time meeting "on-line". For me, the concept of being powerless over the contents of a bottle of booze was very difficult to accept. On an intellectual level, I knew I was addicted, but I kept insisting that I should be able to manage being an alcoholic. My definition of unmanagability was pretty interesting. I figured managing was drinking to the point of passing out without getting caught.

Today I can see that admiiting and accepting the fact that I would lose to alcohol EVERY time was the beginning needed so that I could find that power greater than myself that has brought so many blessings to my life.

The great paradox for us is that by accepting our powerlessness we can begin the journey to having the power of choice,the freedom tomake decision, and the joy of filling that "hole in the soul" that so many of us have.

There was a time when I believed that being a powerless alcoholic was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. Today, I see it as a gift.

I can't stay sober by myself, but WE can.


Member: Gary Ginglefunk
Location: Plano, TX
Date: 10 Jun 1999
Time: 19:08:24

Comments

Greetings, greetings fellow alcoholics! Today I successfully graduated from the North Texas Addiction Program for people that have gotten caught in the act of being themselves while under the influence of mood/mind altering substances. I also have 102 days of abstinence. Step one is appropriately an ongoing process that requires oneself to honestly appraise one's honesty with respect to the fact that they haven't always honestly admitted that they were not honest with the idea that they may actually have a problem with honestly looking at themselves and realizing that they have been dishonest. Can stunt an awful lot of growth that the fellowship of AA has to offer. I can honestly say that I am taking life one day at time at this time and feel and believe it is not only healthy, but is honestly necessary if I am to ever honestly experience SOBRIETY. Thank you.


Member: Tom A. 7/25/60
Location: Carlisle, AR
Date: 10 Jun 1999
Time: 21:44:54

Comments

Good Evening!

My name is Tom A. and I am sober today by the Grace of God with the help of the fellowship known as Alcoholic's Anonymous.

I arrived at my first meeting physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt! I had hit bottom. That night one of the speaker's said that "Any damn fool can stay sober for twenty-four hours" and this damn fool wasn't able to do that. However, the miracle of AA began that night and it's still working for this alcoholic one day at a time. For me Step 1 is my planned defense against taking the FIRST DRINK and I accept the fact that I am physically allergic to the chemical alcohol and if I don't take the first drink, there is no way that I can get physically drunk. I may get mentally drunk and I may get spiritually drunk, but by not taking the first drink I'm not going to get physically drunk and for me that is bottom line sobriety.

I thank everyone who has posted this week and I really agree with the one who said First Things First!

Enjoy Your Sobriety Today!

God Bless - Tom A. ate@gte.net


Member: DAN K.
Location: CA.
Date: 10 Jun 1999
Time: 22:36:36

Comments

ON OR ABOUT 4/22/99 I STARTED AND COMPLETED THE FIRST THREE STEPS BY USING A 12 STEP WORKBOOK I FOUND AT A LARGE BOOK STORE. I FOUND OUT THAT AN OLD ASIAN PROVERB STATES IT BEST "WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY, THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR". I WAS'T READY UNTIL APRIL 99, BUT WHEN I WAS, I REALIZED THAT THE TEACHER (A/A), APPEARD, AS IF BY MAGIC. BUT THE TEACHER HAD ALWAYS BEEN THERE, THE STUDENT SIMPLY WAS NOT NOT READY TO LEARN. NOW AS I STRUGGLE TO WORK THE OTHER STEPS I APPLY THIS FIRST PROVERB, AND ADD ANOTHER DIMENSION, AND THAT IS "I GOT TO BE LISTENING AND BE OPEN", AND IT GRADUALLY COMES TO YOU. IF ONE IS GENUINE AND SINCERE, AND HAS A MODICUM OF PRAYFUL ABILITY, LIKE ASKING FOR SOME HELP IN A DEPT. STORE, COULD YOU HELP ME FIND SOMETHING? IT WILL HAPPEN. BUT AS CONFUSCIOUS SAYS, YOU MUST BE PATIENT.

BEST REGARDS TO ALL OF YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN A/A SINCERLY DAN. K.


Member: Florence C
Location: Grenoble, France
Date: 11 Jun 1999
Time: 11:34:45

Comments

First I would like to say that I'm really happy that this site exist and that I found it. I'm able to do a meeting without having to go to one which is impossible for me to do these days. I'm so happy because today I thought about taking this first drink!!!!but than I though "NO...remenber what the AA members said : "Not the first zip of that first glass, if you do not want to end up where you started". So as an internet fan and working in that field I said let me see what's up there and I found it... Isn't the internet a great thing.... After reading our friends note my desire to drink has slowly died out...I remenber my first reasons to join AA in the first place. I will be honest it took me six years to put that damm glass on the table and say "no, I do not want that life anymore...". I hope for the new comers that it will not take that long. When I first came I was twenty four it was back in Miami. Since than I lived in Paris and now in Grenoble, a city in the Alps. I have joined a group here but it's not quite the samething as in the states.... WHAT ARE MY COMMENTS ON THE FIRST STEP.... To my point of view, I wish that I could have been less stuborn and a wild cat but I guess like they say there is a time for everyone. My time had to come around. I just wish that it would have taken me less time. Because, now when I look at what I do there are many feelings that come to my mind...On one side, I think "You have come a long way....and you are now able to do things that you did not expect to do" and on the other hand I think "where did all those years go...where you a sleep...what happened... did you just wake up from a nightmare...where do you go from here...do you think you will be able to do the things that you want to do now that you are sobber (I will not have been able to do them if I had driken)... but those thoughts still come to mind... I started drinking and taking drugs at the age of twelve. My brain and body had not developed...Being a terrible rebel, I did not listen and I had no one that thought me the line between wrong and right. Being that stuborn, fragile and yet wild, I did not accept to say my name followed by I'm an achoolic. But, I knew everytime a took a step out of AA that it was the wrong idea. My life was becoming a disaster. My parents told me I had a sever drinking problem. The boys came and want. I was being very alone and my life was becoming a total disaster. Today, a lot of things are still not in order and I still have certain difficulties but I know that there will never be as bad as the one that I had when I was drinking. Just at times I think that when I realized that I could not drink something died inside of me. I feel like the child that was inside of me is gone but what is more important to be able to do everything wants in total freedom(or so I thought) because I actually was not free since drugs and alcool had taken this liberty away from me. Or is it more important to be sobber and this time really free with more of an adult brain... I think the first step is the hardest step but it is the most crucial one...It can take the time that it will but if you do not take it seriously than the glass is right next door.

IN GRENOBLE, there are no sponsors...the group does not really work as good as in the states...I REALLY NEED A SPONSOR WHAT SHOULD I DO... CAN THE INTERNET HELP...SENDING E-MAIL AND CALLING...PLEASE HELP...

an AA friend from grenoble good luck and stay sober one day at a time


Member: Florence C
Location: Grenoble, France
Date: 11 Jun 1999
Time: 11:35:05

Comments

First I would like to say that I'm really happy that this site exist and that I found it. I'm able to do a meeting without having to go to one which is impossible for me to do these days. I'm so happy because today I thought about taking this first drink!!!!but than I though "NO...remenber what the AA members said : "Not the first zip of that first glass, if you do not want to end up where you started". So as an internet fan and working in that field I said let me see what's up there and I found it... Isn't the internet a great thing.... After reading our friends note my desire to drink has slowly died out...I remenber my first reasons to join AA in the first place. I will be honest it took me six years to put that damm glass on the table and say "no, I do not want that life anymore...". I hope for the new comers that it will not take that long. When I first came I was twenty four it was back in Miami. Since than I lived in Paris and now in Grenoble, a city in the Alps. I have joined a group here but it's not quite the samething as in the states.... WHAT ARE MY COMMENTS ON THE FIRST STEP.... To my point of view, I wish that I could have been less stuborn and a wild cat but I guess like they say there is a time for everyone. My time had to come around. I just wish that it would have taken me less time. Because, now when I look at what I do there are many feelings that come to my mind...On one side, I think "You have come a long way....and you are now able to do things that you did not expect to do" and on the other hand I think "where did all those years go...where you a sleep...what happened... did you just wake up from a nightmare...where do you go from here...do you think you will be able to do the things that you want to do now that you are sobber (I will not have been able to do them if I had driken)... but those thoughts still come to mind... I started drinking and taking drugs at the age of twelve. My brain and body had not developed...Being a terrible rebel, I did not listen and I had no one that thought me the line between wrong and right. Being that stuborn, fragile and yet wild, I did not accept to say my name followed by I'm an achoolic. But, I knew everytime a took a step out of AA that it was the wrong idea. My life was becoming a disaster. My parents told me I had a sever drinking problem. The boys came and want. I was being very alone and my life was becoming a total disaster. Today, a lot of things are still not in order and I still have certain difficulties but I know that there will never be as bad as the one that I had when I was drinking. Just at times I think that when I realized that I could not drink something died inside of me. I feel like the child that was inside of me is gone but what is more important to be able to do everything wants in total freedom(or so I thought) because I actually was not free since drugs and alcool had taken this liberty away from me. Or is it more important to be sobber and this time really free with more of an adult brain... I think the first step is the hardest step but it is the most crucial one...It can take the time that it will but if you do not take it seriously than the glass is right next door.

IN GRENOBLE, there are no sponsors...the group does not really work as good as in the states...I REALLY NEED A SPONSOR WHAT SHOULD I DO... CAN THE INTERNET HELP...SENDING E-MAIL AND CALLING...PLEASE HELP...

an AA friend from grenoble good luck and stay sober one day at a time


Member: Pam
Location: New England
Date: 11 Jun 1999
Time: 13:38:21

Comments

Hi. My name is Pam and I am an alcoholic. That is the first time I have admitted it "publicly", although I have admitted it to myself for years. I am new to this site and relatively new to AA (gone a few times in the past). I've always tried to fight this battle alone and, at times, have done well (my record is two years), but not well enough.

I don't think I really understood how powerless I am over alcohol until VERY recently. I think I held onto the hopelessly ridiculous thought that I would someday be able to "control" my drinking.

Now, after falling off the wagon five months ago, I realize who is the boss, who is in control and who manages my life.......and it's not me! So, I'm determined to beat it this time. I think God has steered me to this site and to AA. Thanks to all who shared their stories...and thanks for letting me have a place to share mine!


Member: Roy S.
Location:
Date: 11 Jun 1999
Time: 21:33:37

Comments

This step was definitely one of the more difficult ones for me. I couldn't admit that I was powerless over anything. However, it was clear that my life was indeed unmanageable, and it even sunk through my thick skull that I needed help. I didn't know exactly what it was that I needed, but luckily AA showed me what I was missing. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Jan W.
Location: Yucca Valley, CA
Date: 12 Jun 1999
Time: 00:20:34

Comments

Good going Pam. Realizing where the power comes from is definately a step in the right direction. Afterall, why expend all that energy trying to hold it together when you have a whole world of AA friends to help you with that. Keep comin' back.....it works if you work it!


Member: Clarence
Location: The Hospital
Date: 12 Jun 1999
Time: 03:03:36

Comments

Greetings to everybody @ this site! My name is Clarence and I am an alcoholic. Step one is the first step to take whenever I can get these bedsore boots off. Not long ago I had a stroke or two. Wasn't of good luck, I'm afraid! A CVA is not unlike that first drink in that it sneaks up on you and unwittingly kicks you in the ass. Before you know it, you've had another and before long you don't know which way is left or right. I have high blood pressure, too. Don't have any Parkinsons yet though. Guess that alcoholism can be as debilitating but....ooops gotta go now. I feel a crying spell.....................


Member: Ronald
Location: Spillville, IA
Date: 12 Jun 1999
Time: 03:58:22

Comments

Hi. My name is Ronald and I am a grateful recovering Alcoholic. Step one is an ongoing recognition,for me, of the fact that I suffer from an allergy that need not become activated so long as I choose to abstain from that first drink. Simple but not so easy at times as we all know! With the support of AA and taking enough responsibility on my own to stay active in the program, I can continue to live one day at a time without relapsing. Thanks to all of you that make this site happen!


Member: Mark
Location: Idaho
Date: 12 Jun 1999
Time: 07:07:51

Comments

Mark Alcoholic Being convinced, this is the first step in recovery.


Member: MELISSA M
Location: MARRERO
Date: 12 Jun 1999
Time: 13:49:10

Comments

HI THIS IS MY FIRST TIME ON THE WEB. I REALIZED I WAS POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND THAT MY LIFE WAS UNMANGEABLE NEARLY SEVEN YEARS AGO. I WAS ABLE TO DO THAT WHEN I AWOKE IN A PSCHE WARD AFTER AN ATTEMPTED SUICIDE. A WEEK LATER AFTER COMING OUT OF THE BLUR WE DID A RELAXATION TAPE. IT TOOK US DOWN BY A RUNNING RIVER LYING DOWN ON THE GREEN GRASS AND HAD US PICK A BLADE OF GRASS AND STUDY IT. THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED THAT I WAS CRAZY. WITH 3 HEALTHY CHILDREN THE YOUNGEST ONLY 6MONTHS (WHICH I DRANK ALL THE WAY THRU) I WAS WILLING TO GIVE EVERYTHING UP. TO NEVER HOLD A BLADE OF GRASS IN MY HAND AGAIN. I SURRENDERED THEN AND THERE. I NEEDED HELP. THANK GOD AA WAS THERE.


Member: Bob C
Location: Pittsburgh, Pa
Date: 12 Jun 1999
Time: 15:03:35

Comments

My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic.

I remember the first time I saw step one, my first morning in Rehab. We started each day with a meeting and someone gave me a little book to follow along. The chairperson asked someone to read the steps, I followed. When he came to the words "Powerless over alcohol" the sheer truth struck me like lightning. I remembered the days coming home from work to my little apartment saying I am not going to drink tonight, only to find myself running out the door 5 minutes later to get something to drink. Yes I knew I was powerless, but was my life unmanageable? COMPLETELY!!!

I don't think I heard anything else in that meeting this truth had hit me so hard. It was like coming home, I knew I was in the right place. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: NanP
Location: Va
Date: 12 Jun 1999
Time: 21:44:27

Comments

Hi, I'm an alcoholic and drug addict, clean for 20 years. I can't really say sober for that long however. Even though I have not drank or drugged, I find many days, my life is still unmanageable. I find I need the steps. I find I still need others. With the emotional insanity I've been living, I feel grateful to be sober at all. This is the first time I've expressed myself in a long time...thanks for being there.


Member: David P.
Location: Kent, WA
Date: 13 Jun 1999
Time: 00:48:43

Comments

Hi! My name is Dave and I'm an alcoholic. I remember going to my first meeting. It was downstairs from the treatment center I was in I was told I must attend a certain number of meetings each week I was in the center. I was terrified. I was afraid I would be asked about my "weakness". I went and listened. I felt at home. I went up and spoke to the meeting's chairperson that night and listened to his answers for myself and to others crowded around him. I felt at home.

Because I was feeling sorry for myself. I was drunk again at 60 days of sobriety. Back I went into to detox. I was ashamed but I went back to the meetings. 45 more days and I drank again. I think I was was "intellectually" unsatisfied with A.A. What Bull! I drank the first beer and poured the remaining beers out. I went to a meeting that night and I have stayed since. This is because my worse day sober has ALWAYS been much better that my best day drunk. It's not easy. Some days it got better but many days it just got different.

I had to go to many meeting and get involved in service work at the meetings. I needed a sponser. This is a fellowship so I find being around other recovering alcoholics like myself is critical to my sobriety and my happiness. It seems so much easier to lean on and with others that to stand alone. I have been sober for 18 years and living each day like it is my first as often as I can. Ego and anger, particularly resentment, can make my life quite difficult. I can ill afford these self made problems, if I am to be "happy, joyous, and free". Good luck and may you find your God as he travels with you. Dave.