Member: Donnie M(dos3-1-99)
Location: W.Va.
Date: 4/8/01
Time: 10:47:26 AM

Comments

Hi, all I love this step now hated it when I first started , because deep down I knew I had a problem with alcohol. I just did not what to accept it. Once I sobered up and just started to feel better and that fog started to lift I found out just how much the booze was in control of my life. The unmanangable part is still there , but I don`t have to take a drink over every problem that come`s up . I was a beer drinker and never thought beer drinker`s were alcoholic`s. I thought if you had to drink the hard stuff to have a major (boy was I wrong)The last time I was on whiskey drunk I chased my wife around with a broken bottle , so after a week on the couch I promised I would just drink beer like that would solve my problem`s, we`ve had some pretty nasty fight`s over beer drinking to , but only when she would try to dump my beer down the sink I would yell and carry on like a baby losing it`s toy. I`ve taken a good look at this and realize that I needed help, so I called a rehab and went through a 28 day program and have gotten involved with A.A. To me this program and people have me save my life and to understand it does`nt have to be an I thing it is a WE PROGRAM if I ask for help it is alway`s there. I thank GOD today for everything (oopp`s wrong step).Today I have lost the craving for the booze but have gained the craving for LIFE!. Thank`s for listening and GOD BLESS ALL WHO TRY.


Member: Lynn S.
Location: Oregon
Date: 4/8/01
Time: 10:56:39 AM

Comments

I'm Lynn and alcoholic. I'm powerless over so many things. It took me 6 years of the revolving door of AA to settle down and do this step. I wouldn't go near if I thought anyone was going to talk about this step. I've just celebrated 19 years of sobriety and one year of stopping smoking and I used this step-and "powerlessness" to come to terms with my addiction to smoking. I am powerless over people, places, and things, also. Unfortunately, I'm still striving to be in control of so many things. This is to my own detriment. But I take heart in the things I have been taught in this program, such as "Keep it simple" and "Stay in today." It has worked for 19 years. But-it took 6 to get there.


Member: Sarah
Location: NW USA
Date: 4/8/01
Time: 12:25:04 PM

Comments

It is often hard to explain to people how I think those bunk of drunks sharing their experience, stength and hope with each other in an AA meeting seem to have this "Profound Wisdom"!!! In the second step of the 12 x 12,on p. 30 "By their example they showed us that humility and intellect could be compatible, provided we place humility first." The first step is "about as it says in the table of contents of the 12 x 12"..."Relation of humility to sobriety". One of the definitions of sober in the Webster's New World Dictionary "is not distorted: as the sober truth". Thanks AA for the "Profound Wisdom of the Sober Truth"


Member: jose
Location: hi lu-lu
Date: 4/8/01
Time: 3:26:30 PM

Comments

i like the color scheme here mucho better


Member: Eileen L.
Location: Iowa
Date: 4/8/01
Time: 4:27:58 PM

Comments

Hello, I am just taking the first step this week and admitting that I am powerless over alcohol, my life has become unmanageable , and I am an alcholic. I have only been alcohol free since January 28 2001. I have been in denial for a very long time. I feel this is the right program for me and that I need to be on a spiritual program. I like to hear what everyone has to say and the peace they have found.


Member: Adam H.
Location: Nagano, JAPAN
Date: 4/8/01
Time: 9:01:41 PM

Comments

Adam, alcoholic.

Even though I have been a sober member of the fellowship for quite a few 24 hours, this step is still important to me. The reason is that for me the most important thing today is not quitting drinking; it's NOT STARTING AGAIN. Only way I am going to not start again is if I remember that I am a real alcoholic, and if I drink again (and I pray to God that I never do!), there's no telling how I am going to behave, when and where I am going to throw up, and who I am going to steal from to get the next drink. Only thing guaranteed with an alcoholic like me is that if I take one drink, there WILL be another.

I once heard in a meeting that if we pick up again, we pick up where we left iff inour lives when we were drinking. Well, where I left off was being a suicidal maniac, a liar and a theif. And I spent my last night of drinking lying on the bathroom floor in a foreign country, throwing up in a cess pit (half full, I might add), and swearing to a God I didn't believe in that I was never going to do it again...and doing it again anyway, because I had lost the power of choice when it came to booze. I don't even want to THINK what comes after that because I don't live that way anymore and I am very grateful. The only way I will never find out is if I remember that there is NO WAY I can drink safely.

Grateful to be sober and alive today...hope everyone has 24 hours!


Member: Corinne B.
Location: Camino, CA
Date: 4/8/01
Time: 10:48:09 PM

Comments

Guess I'm just in the mood to write more out on my feelings as I go through the 2nd round of Bob's cancer, now that it has returned. Last night, I found myself saying that if I were the one diagnosed with cancer, or when they tell me I'm terminal behind my Hep C or something, I'm not so sure I've reached such a state in sobriety as being all that interested in dying sober. I know I am powerless over alcohol once I put it in my body, but I'm not so sure I wouldn't take some red wine now & again if I knew I only had so long to live. I didn't drink that heavily my last few years of drinking; due to liver damage, I simply couldn't tolerate a whole lot of it, and so I was successful at controlling my intake for the most part. I could not control my rage, and most of it was toward Bob. I wonder now if he weren't in my life, and things got real comfortable for me, would I choose insanity and drink again? Not if I'm to live a long time and have another shot at loving someone else. But if I were terminal, I'm not so sure. Maybe that time won't come until I change my view of the dying sober proposition. That's the part that tells me life is still unmanageable by me, because I know if it were left up to me, too soon, I would indeed make the wrong choice. I doubt that's what God wants for me, as I never was all that happy, joyous and free when drinking before, so what makes me think I could be with a little red wine even if pronounced terminal?

God, this disease makes for interesting bouts with insanity, doesn't it? Not to worry, I'm not the one diagnosed with a terminal illness just yet. I have one, but it (the HepC) hasn't taken total control of me at this point, and I do everything to make sure I don't give it a leg up (such as not taking much in the way of Tylenol - can't even take Ibuprofin or Naproxin Sodium instead, since I have ulcers, so even tho' Tylenol is bad on the liver, it's my best pain reliever). Anyway, all this stuff we have to ponder behind Bob's cancer and not knowing what the doc will say tomorrow has me all squirrely in the head, and this has always been the best way to keep it together, somewhat, when my brains and emotions get scrambled like this. Maybe this is a better way to try and manage it, and in sobriety, I tend to keep it together a whole lot better than when not. I let God be in charge by picking up the tools he brought me to learn when he showed me to the AA door once again.

To any newcomer reading here: When I first pondered the first step I couldn't conceive that my life was unmanageable because I paid all my bills on time, but I couldn't hold onto any relationship longer than about 8 months (and there were very few of those that lasted even that long). I knew I was powerless over alcohol because I'd had so many blackouts and had slept with so many men I couldn't remember the names of, or whom I didn't recognize the next morning. Hell, sometimes I had to feel between my legs just to tell if I'd actually had sex. That's some kind of powerless and unmanageability if ever there was some, let me tell you! And once I saw it in that light, I just kept idenitfying all the rest of it from that time on...


Member: Paul M.
Location: Ohio
Date: 4/9/01
Time: 7:58:15 AM

Comments

Hi, I'm Paul and an alcoholic, a fact not an opinion. I had maintained (not lived) many years of sobriety by being "around" AA, not in it. The disease decided I had a few yets left, so I went back out. The last 2 years of my life has been a ruthless example of powerlessness and self will run riot. Anger, deception, guilt,adultry,blackouts, and manipulation were my constant allies during that stretch. I thought I had been sober long enough to control my drinking. Bad choice there. No matter how I tried to justify it, until I totally and without conviction accepted the fact that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable, have I started to retrieve a bit of sanity, by the grace of God and AA.


Member: AnilG
Location: Mt Vernon,Illinois
Date: 4/9/01
Time: 11:15:54 AM

Comments

I am anil I am alcoholic and a drug addict I was powerless ove alcohol once i start to drink I could not stop myself from drinking once I understood this what it can do to u I have relized the powerlessness I had over alcohol I admitted it and accepted it 'cause this was my first step for me to stop drinking my life was at the bottom and saw no end in sight until i saw felt and relized the first step.


Member: Mike
Location: Tuscaloosa AL
Date: 4/9/01
Time: 12:51:08 PM

Comments

Hello. My name is Mike and I am an alcoholic and addict. I am currently in rehab for the third time but have a totally different outlook than anyother time. I am actually here for myself this time, a reason that I have never had the common sense to try before. And have pretty much separated myself from all family and friends. The pain that I have caused for them and myself was never understood until I found myself honestly with nowhere else that I could find that person to tell me that everything was going to be alright. I finally had to say and mean that I was powerless to stop on my own and go into this program with an open mind and realize that I only had myself to hold accountable. This was the first step that I had taken on my own, one that I hope I can continue for the next 24 hours.


Member: 3 to 5 timer
Location:
Date: 4/9/01
Time: 2:37:09 PM

Comments

dam it corrine shut the fuck up


Member: Bill M.
Location: Southeast Georgia
Date: 4/9/01
Time: 5:45:51 PM

Comments

Bill, alcholic, It took me a while to accept it, I knew it and admitted I was an alcoholic, I tried to accept it but all I could do in the beginning was not drink. I wanted to want to and did. In all the fog I could hear "don't drink and go to meetings, the mistake I made was letting them know where I lived. In those days, they would come to your home and get you. They did and I went to meetings with 'em. No one was more surprised than me when I began to feel better and was able to go on my own. We have so many "wet brains" today, guess more so than before with all the drugs. We try to be nice to them and make them feel welcome after they get out of treatment, but after the first attempt to get sober, which I believe is a gift, it is seems so much more difficult. Any recovery is done by hard work. not only for the alkie, but for the sponsor and the group. I remember very little of what was said in the beginning, but I remember very well how they said it. They cared, and they wanted me to get well. They did everything they could to help. All I did was not drink. That was in 1967, and we didn't have as many meetings but there was one I'm grateful for, it was where I picked up my one and only white chip. I guess I was willing to let them help me and they did. Love ya all.


Member: BOB P.
Location: NH
Date: 4/9/01
Time: 8:31:00 PM

Comments

Bob alcoholic and drug addict. All I know is I had to lose everything, my job, apaprtment. girlfriend etc etc and end up on the streets with nothing to show for my 44 years of existing, before I would even consider step one. Today I believe that my higher power gave me the gift of desperation. I had to hit bottom and humble myself in order to see what I was doing to myself. And I'm so glad I did. Been clean and sober 9 years now and things are better today. I did have to learn patience though. You can't have it all yesterday. Chip away at it one day at a time...it all adds up. BOB P.


Member: Michael B.
Location: AZ
Date: 4/10/01
Time: 12:25:40 AM

Comments

Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober today only by the Grace of God and the Fellowship! Welcome newcomers! Thanks for the sincere shares!

When I first took this step, it was clear that my life had become unmanageable and that I was an alcoholic. But the key for me in admitting my powerlessness was admitting that I needed help in order to stay sober.

Now, everyday that I don't pick up that first drink and try to practice the AA program to the best of my ability, I am admitting that I am powerless over alcohol.


Member: Jim B.
Location: Roi Namur RMI
Date: 4/10/01
Time: 1:24:46 PM

Comments

Jim B here, happy to know I'm alcoholic and grateful to be sober. They say that admitting you have a problem is 90% percent of finding the solution. It makes sense to me and thats where step one comes in for me. I mean who is going to look for a solution to a problem they think they don't have? Once I have admitted that I am an alcoholic and my life is unmanagable by me I can surrender to the fact that my way dosen't work and can begin to look for a solution outside myself. i.e. meetings and sponsers and service work and developing a closer contact with a power greater than myself. Even though I am sober my life is still unmanagable. I am also powerless over people places and things. Realizing this I can take stock of myself and not punish myself or assume responsibility for situations which I have no control over. I just suit up show up try to apply the principles of the program to my life and trust that my higher power is doing for me what I can not do for myself. It really works as long as I don't drink no matter what and remember to ask god to help me stay sober each day and be gratful for my sobriety cause without it I have nothing. Thanks for 12 stepping me.


Member: Mary V.
Location: CT
Date: 4/10/01
Time: 2:53:04 PM

Comments

This is a great topic- step 1- for me, as I'm only 3 weeks sober and haven't officially started working the steps with a sponsor yet. Although I know I have no control over alcohol, I still struggle at times with the reality that I am in fact an alcoholic. I suppose that is the disease and the "alcholic thinking" people talk about. It's like it's the part of me that still wants to drink that tries to get me to believe I do have some control over booze and I shouldn't have to never pick up a drink again. What's been helpful for me is to pick up the BB when i'm feeling this way, and read some passages that I've underlined from the first few chapters that really seem to describe ME and thus reveal my alcoholism to myself. I guess what can be difficult is also the fact that I don't feel I have hit bottom really- I mean that it could be much worse. Especially when listening to others' stories. But I know I just need to try not to compare what's different, but rather relate to what is very similar. I've had lots of luck in that I've never gotten in a car wreck or gotten arrested... amazingly. Still have a roof over my head and people who care about me. But my drinking has caused plenty of relationships to end, and I have hurt many friends and family members as a result of my problem. (((Corinne)))- thanks for what you shared here, I can definitely relate about the blackouts and men, etc. So it is those things I need to focus on to keep reminding myself that I am indeed an alcoholic and if I go back to drinking, things will only get worse.

Thanks for letting share. I'll keep coming back! Mary


Member: Pam
Location: midwest
Date: 4/10/01
Time: 3:03:06 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm Pam, and I am and always will be an alcoholic. There, I needed to say that. It has been 15 years come May 31st that I first walked into an AA meeting and found the love and support I needed to attempt to stop the insanity that enveloped my life due to drinking. I wish I could say that I have had 15 years without a slip...but I can't. I feel ashamed that I still question my powerlessness over this drug! I know a thousand times over that I am not smarter than the disease and that unless I confront my arrogance on this, I will forever be vulnerable to alcohol. I am sick of kicking myself the morning after I have once again tried to qualify as a "social drinker"!For the last 5 years I've have tried hard to convince myself that the 2 to 3 slips a year were deserved. Well enough lying!! I feel so ashamed. I am once again back to 48+ hours of soberity! So, after 13 years of not fully giving myself over to the program, I am, once again committed to the program, starting with the first step. Thanks for listening/reading.


Member: LynB
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Date: 4/10/01
Time: 3:03:56 PM

Comments

Hi my name is Lyn and I am an alcoholic sober 22 years in September. I am unable to get to many meetings right now and miss the sharing. This is my first time on line and it is new and exciting. I had to become a gutter drunk before God in his wisdom booted me into AA, It did'nt happen immediately - I had to drink again after one year of "corking"it. I almost never made it back but God saw fit to give me another chance and this time I listened and learned. Earlier someone said that he was given the "gift of desperation." What a way to describe it! I shall use it if no one minds. We are having our National Convention this coming Easter week-end and I am looking forward to meeting old faces and sharing with my friends. God bless you all - I hope to talk to you again soon.


Member: LynB
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Date: 4/10/01
Time: 3:05:04 PM

Comments

Hi my name is Lyn and I am an alcoholic sober 22 years in September. I am unable to get to many meetings right now and miss the sharing. This is my first time on line and it is new and exciting. I had to become a gutter drunk before God in his wisdom booted me into AA, It did'nt happen immediately - I had to drink again after one year of "corking"it. I almost never made it back but God saw fit to give me another chance and this time I listened and learned. Earlier someone said that he was given the "gift of desperation." What a way to describe it! I shall use it if no one minds. We are having our National Convention this coming Easter week-end and I am looking forward to meeting old faces and sharing with my friends. God bless you all - I hope to talk to you again soon.


Member: Nancy W.
Location: MI
Date: 4/10/01
Time: 8:12:57 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm Nancy an alcoholic. Although I have been sober for almost 6 years this is my first attempt at treatment for my chronic illness. I am certainly powerless, and my life became unmanageable long ago.


Member: Philomena DOS11/04/94
Location: Hac.Hts.,California
Date: 4/11/01
Time: 12:44:43 AM

Comments

Philomena here,greatful alcoholic,

This step, without even knowing it, I had realized prior to getting to AA. I was so scared at where I was at in my drinking. And in my mind thought it was OK. I felt I deserved it,I worked, I paid the bills, I was a good wife and mother. I didn't get into any heavy drinking when my sons were small, I waited till they were able to care for theirself at 12 & 9. I finally saw that I was addicted to King alcohol by my sweet sister in law, asking me if I could just not drink for one day. I tried it that night,I told myself, I won't drink tomorrow. When evening came I was too weak, I craved the whiskey so very, very bad. Then was when I realized I had a problem that had to stop. I just didn't know how. I knew my father had gone to AA. But he never talked about it. He just stopped drinking. Well, I finished what I had left in my Gallon container of Canadian Whiskey. Found a AA meeting at the church close by. Went to the store & bought 2 beers, which I could barely stand to drink. But I wasn't going to buy anymore whiskey. I was sick of myself. Why couldn,t I stop. I drank 1 and a half beers,said a prayer to God to give me courage to walk in the door. Then that was what I did. They were reading Ch 3 & then Ch 5, when they came to the part that God was part of the program, I started to cry,I knew I was in the right place. It wasn't easy. But each time they told me,keep going to meetings and don't drink in between. I went each night after work, as you see, that was when I'd start my drinking. Right after work. I had to go 2 & 3 times on the weekends, so I wouldn't end up in a liquor store. I also drank alone. I am so grateful for the people in AA for giving me the advise at the first meeting. And I knew I was powerless over it as I was addicted to it. I was drinking a litre of whiskey every night before bed. I don't know how I have kept from getting a bad liver or anything else. I am just so very grateful I made it to AA when I did. I would hold on to each chip and read it "To thine own self be True" and the "Serenity Prayer",I want to welcome any newcomers and to let you know it does work,but you truly have to want to stop and know you have a problem with alcohol. And do it one day at a time. One moment at a time in the beginning. Get to face to face meetings as often as you can. I of course have worked the Steps with my sponsor. But I knew I had a problem,just didn't realize it was more than the alcohol. Today I do.

Pam Midwest...Don't beat yourself up. Keep coming back to the Coffee Pot here for sharing and get to face to face meeting. You know that AA works. My suggestion is to find a woman in a meeting that you see is truly working the program and ask her to sponsor you. Guidance through the steps is what worked for me. But be very careful in choosing. Make sure it is a person you know is really working the program.I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Nancy W...You are so in the right place, keep coming back here to the Coffee Pot for sharing and get to face to face meetings. My suggestion is to find a woman in a meeting that you see is truly working the program and ask her to sponsor you. Guidance through the steps is what worked for me. But be very careful in choosing. Make sure it is a person you know is really working the program.I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

God bless you all, love, Philomena


Member: Pam B
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Date: 4/11/01
Time: 1:54:52 AM

Comments

Hi, I'm Pam, an alcoholic, The 1st meeting I ever went to was a Speaker meeting & I identified being Powerless over alcohol. I had been tricked into attending that meeting under the guise of going for other reasons. I did not believe I had a problem. The only thoughts I'd ever had about NOT drinking were that I'd rather be dead than live that dull, boring lifestyle I thought all who didn't drink & drug lived.

I had always prided myself on what I thought was my independance & being FREE to live as I choose, do what I want, come & go as I please. So identifying with being Powerless really disturbed me, because then I knew the truth of the matter is that I was never 'free' - alcohol lead me around by the nose! - called all the shots - decided where I went, what I did, who my friends were, what my passtimes were, whether my kids got supper & put to bed, whether I even came home or not, whether I showed up at their school functions or not - everything - alcohol decided everything in every area of my life, and I was just some nimwit puppet on its string!

I had not suffered the losses as others said they had - but I knew I belonged here & my life as total slave to alcohol running it for me was unmanageability enough. So, I prayed, didn't drink (nor drug)for each one day at a time, kept coming back, followed what my sponsor told me to do, grew to know what TRUE "Freedom" is in my life & that this program DOES work, if ya work it. Thanks for letting me share. Pam


Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: 4/11/01
Time: 3:10:35 AM

Comments

Hi I am Jack a real alcoholic.That statement is the single most important fact I know and accept about myself on a daily basis.I am an alcoholic, powerless over alcohol. I keep this program simple, if I don't pick up the first drink I can't get drunk. In our Big Book, it says when an alcoholic drinks something happens, I don't need to understand this, I just need to accept it.What happens to me when I pick up the first drink is I can't stop drinking nor do I wish to. I suffer from an allergy to alcohol, what that means to me is this.If I am allergic to tomatoes, and I eat A tomato, I break out in an itch.When I drink alcohol, I break out in an itch for another drink. Page twenty four Big Book states that the real alcoholic has lost all power of choice when it comes to alcohol.The real alcoholic does not drink.Come hell or high water, good, bad, or indifferent we don't drink. Second part of this step deals with our lives being unmanageable, my life was an existance, going, doing freely whatever alcohol dictated. Once I take the first drink I have no defense against alcoholism. AA makes only one promise, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.The other promises we come to enjoy are the result of working the steps.On the other hand alcohol maked me a promise also.It promises me if I stick with it, it will kill me. The most important thing in my life today is not to pick up that first drink, because if I do, I am going back to a personal living hell I don't ever want to experience again. Thru the Grace of God and AA on the 23rd of November, God willing I will celebrate 14 years of continous sobriety, and for that I am truly grateful.Thanks for allowing me to share and God Bless.


Member: ChuckM
Location: Alberta
Date: 4/11/01
Time: 4:09:46 AM

Comments

I'm Chuck, an alcoholic

As a problem drinker I have to answer 2 questions; Why do I drink? Why do I get drunk?

In the doctor's opinion in the BB I learned that I drank to change my feelings ( we are restless, irritable and discontented). I was worried, anxious and fearful and the only way I could escape (peace of mind) was by drinking.

In the beginning a few beers did the trick but something happened, I started getting drunk. After a few drinks I could no longer control the amount I drank. As time passed using alcohol my control got less and less, my disease was progressing.

The doctor's opinion explained that I had an allergic reaction to alcohol. After 2 or 3 beers my body set up a craving for alcohol that I could not resist. That's why I got drunk. There is no cure for an allergy so I must not take that 1st drink to start the craving. I am powerless over alcohol.

My problem seems to be that I need a new solution to my negative feelings so the allergic reaction is not started. The doctor's opinion suggests that to change my feelings I must change my thinking (psychic change). The problem is in my thinking.

Wrong thinking is the reason I was using alcohol to change feelings. Wrong thinking was causing my life to be unmanageable.(I was miserable, not happy joyous and free)

Fortunately, there is a method to change my thinking, called steps 2 to 12. I resisted changing but gradually did them and can say now my thinking is very different and I no longer have the negative feelings that need medication.

Do the steps and you too can have;

Peace and Serenity


Member: im a looser
Location:
Date: 4/11/01
Time: 7:51:34 PM

Comments

im a drink away from a drunk.


Member: NEVER ONE
Location:
Date: 4/11/01
Time: 9:40:08 PM

Comments

YES YOU ARE BUT IT CAN GET BETTER IF YOU PLAY

THE LOTTERY..................................


Member: Carol
Location: MN
Date: 4/12/01
Time: 1:09:35 AM

Comments

Hi, I'm Carol and I am an alcoholic. and I am powerless over alcohol, drugs and everything else in my life. I believed that long before I got into AA. Everytime I would be having problems the doctors stuck me into the looney bin. So being convinced that I was crazy, I dutifully took all the valium and whatever else they prescribed for me in large quantities. It did not seem to matter that I was an alcoholic because I was hopelessly insane and there was no hope for me. I was in such bad shape that my alcoholic husband divorced me so I moved to Minnesota. That's where I got the help I needed. The state I came from treated alcoholics with valium, didn't cure too many people that way. Here I went through a treatment program, got into AA, went to as many as 8 meetings a week, read my bible, BB, 12 x 12 and a bunch of daily readings and stayed sober. There is one aspect of the program I have never been able to grasp. Sponsorship. I have asked 15 different people to be my sponsor and never had a single one work out. Even tried a male one time. You can imagine how that worked out. What always seems to happen is I get to know someone and become friends and believe that they would make a good sponsor so ask them to sponsor me and then they just fade out of my life and become unavailable. After 15 years of this I quit trying because I just couldn't take any more people disappearing out of my life. Other than that everything about the program works, if you work it. Carol


Member: Kirsten T
Location: Maryland
Date: 4/12/01
Time: 4:39:25 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm Kirsten and I'm an alcoholic. Step 1 was such a relief for me - admitting powerlessness was easy after trying every day for a year not to drink and wondering with all my determination and effort why I couldn't even last until lunch time. The Doctor's Opinion chapter was really helpful and having read about the phenomon of craving I realised I wasn't weak or evil - just a person with an illness that has a solution - the program of AA. Unmanagability was easy to see in my life when I first came to AA but remember, no where does it say we become managable again - in Step 3 we are introduced to a power greater than ourselves who can. I like the short versions of 1, 2 and 3 as follows - Step 1 - I CAN'T Step 2 - HE CAN Step 3 - LET HIM It works, it really does. I heard at my first meeting, you CAN leave here tonight and need never drink again and for four years now, that has been the truth. I am so grateful to AA. Please try it fully for 30 days and if it doesn't work - we'll refund your misery in full!


Member: Jennifer C.
Location: Northern Virginia
Date: 4/12/01
Time: 9:59:52 PM

Comments

Hi, Im Jennifer and Im an alcoholic. I cant honestly say that when I say those words that I feel ok about it. Today I have two weeks. Ive been trying to control my drinking for 5 years now. Two weeks ago I decided to give up trying to do it on my own. Im doing my first 90& 90 ever, some days I feel great, others I feel the anxiety I feel will overwhelm me. I know I am powerless over alcohol, I know my life as been a mess since a very young age. The thought of going to AA for the rest of my life is a bit scary to me, Im 29. Maybe I feel this way because Im not feeling so good about myself yet. I dont want to give up. I hope it does get better. Reading the steps has opened alot of wounds that I would usually put out with alcohol or pot. I know its one day at a time. Though I am reading the steps, I know that I need to really think about Step 1 and truly accept it, because I so do want the promises to come true. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Sarah
Location:
Date: 4/13/01
Time: 2:09:15 AM

Comments

Hi--my name is Sarah and I am an alcoholic and a drug addict--this is the first time I have ever said those words. I would always catagorize myself as chemically dependent without ever having to say the big "A" word. Leaving leeway for me to still drink which inevitably opens the door to the drugs. I know now a drug is a drug is a drug and I can no longer be a part of this charade of "just this-this one time." Enough already with the minimizing, justifying, rationalizing--I am so tired. I have spent the last 9 years of my life doing drugs I thought I'd never do and lost times and people I can never have back. I've lost hundreds of thousands of dollars at the drop of a hat but it really doesn't compare to the people who have walked out of my life never to be replaced. I have been suicidel for years and living a miserable existence through the best years of my life. I've always said I would never actually commit the act for religous reasons though the thought always came to mind. Just recently I came to the realization that I'm subconsiously trying to kill myself with mass quanities of drugs and alcohol. I told a few of my remaining aquantences my true thoughts--maybe thinking they would support me to stop using--they responded with do you want a beer--how 'bout smoking a joint--here's some extasy(even though I told her the last time I did it I had a nervous breakdown the next day.) As if I'm not depressed enough--let's deplete the remaining seratonin from the brain. So it really sunk in. None of my friends(can hardly call them that) have any clue what there living for either--other than to support the drug and alcohol industry. Living day to day a life of emptiness and insanity. I've been wasting away for the past 7 Years-ever since I stopped going to meetings. So I'm back-and I AM POWERLESS. Thank you all for sharing--it has given me the strength to not use, the wisdom to see that I am powerless over drugs and alcohol, and the courage to move out of my drug infested environment--moving tomorrow!!


Member: Sarah S
Location: Midwest
Date: 4/13/01
Time: 2:14:03 AM

Comments

Hi--my name is Sarah and I am an alcoholic and a drug addict--this is the first time I have ever said those words. I would always catagorize myself as chemically dependent without ever having to say the big "A" word. Leaving leeway of course for me to still drink, which inevitably opens the door to the drugs. I know now a drug is a drug is a drug and I can no longer be a part of this charade of "just this-this one time." Enough already with the minimizing, justifying, rationalizing--I am so tired. I have spent the last 9 years of my life doing drugs I thought I'd never do and lost times and people I can never have back. I've lost hundreds of thousands of dollars at the drop of a hat but it doesn't compare to the people who have walked out of my life never to be replaced. I have been suicidel for years and living a miserable existence through the best years of my life. I've always said I would never actually commit the act for religous reasons though the thought always came to mind. Just recently I came to the realization that I'm subconsiously trying to kill myself with mass quanities of drugs and alcohol. I told a few of my remaining aquantences my true thoughts--maybe thinking they would support me to stop using--they responded with do you want a beer--how 'bout smoking a joint--here's some extasy(even though I told her the last time I did it I had a nervous breakdown the next day.) As if I'm not depressed enough--let's deplete the remaining seratonin from the brain-if there's any left of course. So it really sunk in. None of my friends(can hardly call them that) have any clue what there living for either--other than to support the drug and alcohol industry. Living day to day a life of emptiness and insanity. Killing themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally/spiritually. I've been wasting away for the past 7 Years-ever since I stopped going to meetings. So I'm back-and I AM POWERLESS. Thank you all for sharing--it has given me the strength to not use, the wisdom to see that I am powerless over drugs and alcohol, and the courage to move out of my drug infested environment--moving tomorrow!!


Member: Mark D
Location: NH
Date: 4/13/01
Time: 11:00:37 AM

Comments

Six months ago today I fully embraced Step 1. I had been in an out patient program. I had learned a lot but it wasn't until I had a full blown relapse that I started acting on that knowlege.

I go to meetings regularly, have a great sponsor, been working on the steps. I have made it so far through Step 6. Looking back to how screwed up I was 6-9 months ago, though I feel like I didn't do step 6 well enough. I still feel such shame and self-disgust. Maybe when I hit my full year anniversary there will be more good recovery to recall that outweighs (though never erasing) the sickness. But right now it's bittersweet at best. Sweet or sad, the important thing is that it is in appreciative sobriety.


Member: Free-mind Joe
Location: Sodom & Egypt
Date: 4/13/01
Time: 4:23:34 PM

Comments

Being powerless over alcohol, and trying to arrest the mad compulsion to obliviate oneself is the most primary purpose of the AA program, or at least it was started that way by two men who were in complete slavery to the escapism they sought through drink! And so AA was born out of desperation to stop drinking! These two men found they had to follow certain immutable guidelines, and some of their experiences were recounted in the AA book, as a means to pass their experience, strength and hope on to others. Both of these men were thoroughly disgusted with the world's religions, and saw them more of a burden than a hope! But! Alas! as time went on, and AA started to grow and gain some credibility certain men, such as this Catholic priest Father Dowling crept in and laid the seeds for the "Abominable Desolations" that the active alcoholic found himself in when he was living in his desperate slavery to alcohol! So the proposed escape from drink and desolation found itself rooted in the infiltrated AA of the Dowlings, and today is no better than the Catholic Church itself, which has a history overflowing with deceit, oppression, exploitation, treachery, etc.,etc., ad nauseam! It takes a long while to get this message on your own, and it is well known that some never will! But there are people who started in AA, have seen what I am saying here, gotten out of active AA organizational "fellowship" and are much better for it! So if you can "Think!" for yourself, stand on your own, with a program of your own, I would flee from that heretical and hypocritical contagion of an organization! Of course, if you cannot, well then do what suits you best!!


Member: so much for the why of it
Location:
Date: 4/13/01
Time: 4:48:41 PM

Comments

If I were to ponder the prospect of a change in enviornment I would weigh the facts; If I were to decide on any other this or that, I must first convince myself that it is expedient for me to do, whatever it may be. So it is with the decision to turn myself unto God, that is, to change course with my whole heart; Thus it was done by the founders of AA. that they too weighed the facts, and here in step one they are written down as to the reason why they did what they did. I think we get too caught up in the reason why we are doing what we are doing; There are many a good reason to turn our wills and lives over to the care of God as we understand him to be. If my wife dies for instance and I have no more reason to go on living the way I've been living, I too, could turn to God for this. The facts being weighed I certainly could convince myself that its the expedient thing to do, but I wouldn't think it expedient for me to dwell on the reason why I decided what I decided for very long. Who wants to go around saying he is powerless over the death of his wife and that his life is unmanagable? Therefore "Ours, is not to reason why, but to do or die"....


Member: Philomena
Location: California
Date: 4/13/01
Time: 10:50:14 PM

Comments

Philomena here, grateful alcoholic,

So very sad isn't it when,Joe, says what he says. Trying to condemn the program. Thank you "so much for the why of it" for your post. It does seem Joe may have a problem with God, and of course the Catholic religion. Resentment,he also didn't identify as a alcoholic. Only stating he is powerless over alcohol. Maybe afraid to say those words and be a part of AA. But he must have gotten something out of it or how could he have so much information about the beginner's in the program. God bless you Joe, I hope you find what you are looking for. Cause I know I have. In the AA program & fellowship & my higher power, whom I choose to call God.

Thank you for letting me share

God bless you all, love,

Philomena


Member: Holly K
Location: R.I.
Date: 4/13/01
Time: 11:04:52 PM

Comments

I'm Holly, alcoholic. Thank you, everyone for sharing. It is so good for me right now to relate to the alcoholic stories. I have made a huge change in my life lately. I decided to come back to my family of origin after 20 years of being away. I grew up here but everything is different and I am having a hard time feeling grounded. I am feeling a bit isolated and I know that can be very dangerous for the alcoholic. Things have not been going smoothly this week. I have found one meeting that I really enjoy. It is a step study. I feel very edgy like I reaallly need a meeting tonight! I had directions to two meetings tonight. I tried to find both of them and could not. People here use landmarks for directions and I am not used to that yet. When I came on line and saw people writing about the 1st step it clicked! I am definitely back to step one! I am having a hard time surrendering to it. I have a lot of fear going on. Like will I make it here? Did I make the right choice for myself? I prayed over it a lot. I had the support of all my program friends in California. I felt that God was guiding my decision and it was not a hasty one. It took me two years to make the decision. I really have to give myself time here. My character defects of impatience, perfection, and high expectations are all rearing their ugly heads. I have been back for less than 2 months. I am trying to get my business going and I am helping my aging Mom who just had triple bypass sugery. I am encountering things in myself emotionally that I did not expect. Somehow I always think I have to be this rock that can handlle anything. I forget how limited I am sometimes and I find that hard to accept within myself. When I drank I could pretend that I had a different image of myself and never deal with these feelings. I thought I was invinsible till the drink wore off then I had to deal with this huge black whole where my heart is. When I lie to myself about what I can handle,how strong I should be and that I should not be feeling anything, I become this critical parent that has these great expectations which I cannot possibly live up to. Now without the drink I have to face the reality of my behavior and what I am doing to myself and others around me. The first step gives me the freedom to be human. I am not perfect. Life does not always go smoothly and I do not have to be hard on myself and others when it is not going my way. My life has become unmanagible and I do not have the power to change that. I surrender my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God. I have to remember that the pain that comes to me is in the resistance of that. Once I rigorously and honestly take that step the pain changes. I can face the fear and move on. It is so difficult to trust it sometimes especially when I am into the result. If I just accept the moment one step at a time it helps. Easy does it. All those silly slogans and sayings seem to help me remember the action I need to take. Acceptance is the key to all my problems. As I speak the words. I feel them working. Thank you for letting me share and thank you for being here tonight. Once again you have saved my life.


Member: Philomena DOS 11/04/94
Location: So. California
Date: 4/13/01
Time: 11:26:27 PM

Comments

~~~\_/7......updtd 04/13/2001 It's me Philomena, grateful alcoholic, "Happy Friday 13th!" WOW, our names, NOW look, at how many, from when I first started this site @ 6 weeks ago. This is from the discussion meetings, coffee pot, and I believe a 12 & 12 from archives,that I checked out.

Look at our group. Awesome.

Hello to (((ALL))) of you .. . . .

:-):-):-), Adam H, Al K, Alice R, Allison W, AndrewA, AndyM, Anil G, ANNA, Anne, Annie K, Annie P, Anonymous, Ardis, Arlene, Art P, AvrilG, AZBill, Babette R, Barry L, Bea, BillJ, Bill M, BillP, BillW, BilliJo, Billy D, Bob F, Bob P, Bob Patles, Bob S, Bobby, Brenda C, Brian B, Briana, Brock S, Bruce C, ButchL,Candi, Carol,Carol C, Carol D, Carol MN, Carol S W, Carole A, Carrie L, Cary B, Cec H, Charles M, Charlie Darling,Cher449, CheriseF, ChrisB, ChrisH,ChrisM, Chris0kC, ChuckK, ChuckM, ClaraA, Clara L, Colleen NA, Connie P, Corinne B, DB, DLeonard, Dale L, Dan N, Daniel, Bob S, DaveZ, David, David B, David H, David R, Dean S, DEB, Deborah,Derek B, Diana P, Don F, Don W, Donnie M, Doug K, Doug R, DuncanM, Ed G, Edie R, EduardoL, Eileen L, Elaine, Elliott,Eric, Eric H, Ferdinand, Fayla, Fran D, FranW, FrankK,Frank M, Fred, Fred M, Gail, GaryC, GaryK, Geri W, GerryMac, Glen, Glen H, Gordon, Harry K, Heather, Heidi P, Hipolito, Holly K, JJ, JackB, Jaclyn H, James P, JamieB, JanBB, Jan S, Janine B, Jason B, JEAN, Jeff, JenG,Jenn, Jennifer, JeremiahM, Jerry J, Jim B, JimK, JJ, JMS, Jo D, JoM, Joan H, Joe, JoeH, Joe R, Johanna, John B, John W, JosephZ, JoyceY,Judi, Julie, Justin R, KarrieL, KateH, KathyM, Kathy R, KatieD, KatieN, Kaye F, KellyF, Ken C, Ken S, Kerry, Kerry B, Kerry F, KimD, KimO,Kirsten T, Laila, L.A.Roxx, LeAnnW,Lee P, LegrandplayerDAN, LesA, Les C, Lilly, LindaA, Linda O,Linda S, Lisa IL, LisaC, LisaK, LoisS, Lori R, LoriS,Lorraine,Loretta,LukeD, Lyn, Lyle, LynneB, Lynn S, MarcyC, Marie, MarkA, Mark B, Mark D, Mark L, Mark W, Martina G, Mary, MaryV, Matt L, Mel, Melissa B, Michael B, Mike PA, MikeK, MikeL, MikeM, Mike W, Milt,Miriam T, Miriam W, MishaB, MitchellWI, Mouse,Mrellen, Nadia B, NancyW, NateH, NewBeastie, Noel, NormP, Otto P, Pam B, PamD,Pam Midwest, Pat g, Patti D, Pattw/2tees, PaulB, Paul OH, PaulM,PaulaP, PaulineG, PeggyH, Perry A, PhilA, Philomena, RayP, Rayday75,RedZ, Rhonda, RickA,Rich R, Richad M, Rob, Robert C, RobertCD, Robert J, Robin, RobinA, Rod, RogerS, Ron N, Roxanne H, RT, S W, Sami, Sanders W & little fella, Sandy B, Sarah, SarahS, SCB, Scott,Scott E, ScottH, Sean, Shannon, Sharon,Sharon Frey, Sheheh C, SheilaL,Sherry H, Sherri M, Shirley, SidH, SidL, Sonia & cat, StanM, Stacey S, Stephanie, StephanieT, Stephen, Stephen T, Steve, Sue G, synonymousPhilD, TaritaM, TerrenceW,TerryG, TheThief, Thomas R, Thumper, TiffanyB, Tim V, TimY, TinaM, Todd, Toddy, Tom, TomG, TomM, tony-da-duck, Tony D,Tony G, TP,TriciaMC, Typing Monkey, Valerie, Verna, Vinnie V, Von, Will D, William A, WillieD, Wouter, Yvonne, Zane, Zeke.

Thank you all for being here!!! THIS IS A GROUP HUG (((FOR ALL OF YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SHARING & FOR BEING HERE)))

Have a very joyous, spiritual & happy Easter!

KCB....Keep Coming Back. Remember to Keep It Simple. ODAAT....One Day At A Time.

ALL of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for letting me share. Take Care. Peace. (/o\) //_\\ God bless you (((ALL))), love, Philomena


Member: Rich R, slowly recovering compulsive person :-)
Location: detroit
Date: 4/14/01
Time: 8:40:30 AM

Comments

I am powerless over alcohol and I understand that. I haven't had a drink in over 10 years and I know I shouldn't get 'cocky'. However, I want to focus on the second part of step one: my life being unmanageable. To me, it is that part of the first step that leads me to being a 'dry drunk' when all I do is stop drinking. It's like I've only addressed half of the problem (and the smaller half at that).

Last week I was thinking (that should have raised a red flag right there) about my alcoholism. I wish there was another name for the disease because it implies that alcohol is at the root of the problem. I don't believe it is at all. I was just 'treating' my 'alcoholism' with alcohol. Once I stopped drinking, I found another way to 'treat my alcoholism', gambling. That seemed to work, just like alcohol seemed to work for awhile. Then I stopped gambling (thru the help of another 12-step fellowship). But, that didn't stop me from trying to self-medicate my alcoholism, only I switched to nicotine, caffeine, excess food, Internet etc, etc. All of these illigitimate ways to treat whatever the underlying problem is didn't work (or partially worked, but caused serious side effects).

Anyway (if anyone is still reading) the bottom line to all this is pretty obvious. I need to go back (again) and work the 12 steps of recovery. That (and probably ONLY that) is the answer to my life being unmanageable. Thanks for letting me share. Sorry I can't say things more concisely yet (maybe in 10 more years I will be able to) :-)


Member: crazed
Location:
Date: 4/14/01
Time: 12:38:00 PM

Comments

lu-lu,

i got some ooohey-gooey on my hand


Member: LU-LU
Location:
Date: 4/14/01
Time: 5:45:30 PM

Comments

CRAZED

WASH YOUR HANDS

LU-LU


Member: rob
Location: oregon
Date: 4/15/01
Time: 1:43:38 AM

Comments

rich r,

i hear ya............nothing is REAL fun in my life anymore either.........not drinking is easy its all the crazy fun that goes along with it that i miss.........just a dry drunk here and very bored with my life......if i go out and get drunk,will it get better......HELL NO!!... but at the same time,maybe i need a hobby or new interrests in life.......maybe its just midlife crisis or something.


Member: Bel W
Location: London
Date: 4/15/01
Time: 9:58:36 AM

Comments

It was such a relief to admit to myself, after my first aa meeting that I too was an alcoholic and that my life was unmanageable - listening to the speaker and other members in my first meeting was a revelation - I totally identified with what everyone was sharing, despite the fact that I was sat there with my hands shaking and my eyes staring at my feet. I liken my first meeting to seeing the light - as it truly was for me - the relief in admitting that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was indeed unmanageable was immense.

When doubt enters my mind about how much of an alchie I am I simply look back to two things - the day after my last binge - the despair and loneliness, and my first AA meeting a couple of days after - the indescribeable relief, hope and warmth I felt from other members sharing and knowing I was no longer alone.