Member: Darin
Location: Miss.
Remote Name: 152.163.252.133
Date: 22 Feb 2004
Time: 02:44 PM -0500
Hi all, Darin here. I am a real alcoholic. I have not completed my 8th step list yet so I don't have anything to say about the 9th step. I am always interested in hearing how this step has changed the lives of others.
Member: Len L.
Location: Southern Oregon Coast
Remote Name: 12.45.50.74
Date: 22 Feb 2004
Time: 06:03 PM -0500
Hi, My name is Len and I am an alcoholic. Step 9 is in the correct order for one to get to complete the process of getting to "Know Oneself" After we have set the groundwork of the first three steps and built a firm foundation (like a three legged stool)we are then ready to search out our defects and flaws in our character/personality in the 4th, "test" our self honesty with another human being in the 5th, then having done 6,7, and 8 to the best of our ability, we will KNOW who we have to make amends to. We can actually feel comfortable to walk into any room, place or old haunt and not have to be worry as to who will be there. We will have taken care of all the "harms" we have caused others. It is a very rewarding step and frees us from the Bondage of Self.
Member: Adam H.
Location: New York, NY
Remote Name: 64.232.156.194
Date: 23 Feb 2004
Time: 10:50 AM -0500
Adam, alcoholic. the word "Amend" means to change...but what about "direct?" When I looked it up, it said "with no intervening persons or conditions." That was very helpful to me because a key thing for me when it came to making amends was owning my part in a bad situation and being willing to clean it up with no bargaining and no expectation for a favorable return. Such an attitude ties in very nicely with that Promise on page 83 of the Big Book about not regretting the past or wishing to shut the door on it. Before AA, my past owned me and haunted me, and as long the fear that came with being owned and haunted by my past drove me to cop an attitude of "'Where's mine?' 'Why me?' and 'F--k you!'" towards the people in my past, there was no choice but to keep the door shut on it because an attitude like that communicated that I would never do right by other people unless there was something in it for me. That's an awful way to live without a drink, right? Well, when I got to this step in AA and began to make direct amends by really SHOWING (not just telling) the people that I harmed with my bad attitude that I was sorry, that I wanted to make right on where I had gone wrong, and that the only thing I wanted for myself was to never act like that again, all of a sudden, my past didn't own me anymore...instead I owned it. Even when the people I harmed told me that the only way I could ever set things right was to stay the hell out of their lives and never show my face again, I still owned my past and, concurrently, learned an important lesson from it...one that is still important to me today in sobriety. In other words, I didn't shut the door on my past either. I had to have a lot of guidance from a sponsor and a lot of time with God asking for the courage to go through with cleaning up my side of the street. However, thanks to that guidance and the grace of God, I was able to change my attitude and actions where others were concerned with no intervening persons and no ifs, ands or buts. That's the reason why today, I don't regret the past or whish to shut the door on it...the past is the greatest example (to me and maybe to another alkie) that I have changed through the process of the steps. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Kel
Location: Iowa City, IA
Remote Name: 216.248.122.227
Date: 23 Feb 2004
Time: 11:34 AM -0500
Hi, I am new to AA and only have been sober for 3 days. I really want to go through with this and am interested in the 12 step program. Could anyone give me any advice??? Thank you!
Member: Adam H.
Location: New York, NY
Remote Name: 64.232.156.194
Date: 23 Feb 2004
Time: 02:41 PM -0500
Adam, still an alcholic. Sorry to double-dip, especially after such a long-winded share... but Kel, welcome! What I would suggest to you is that you go to start going to AA meetings in Iowa City. There's an online meeting ditectory at http://aa-ic.org/ Go to a meeting, tell them you are new to AA, get some phone numbers of people at that group, and above all, try to keep an open mind and listen. If they go to coffee after the meeting, go along and ask questions then. If they have literature (they should) get a copy of "Living Sober" and the book "Alcoholics Anonymous." Keep those books handy...you'll need 'em should you decide to stay. As far as Step 9 is concerned...do not worry about it until you have a sponsor and have done the previous 8 steps with that person. Good luck and welcome to the sunny side of the street.
Member: Tom A.
Location: Carlisle, AR
Remote Name: 66.112.69.84
Date: 23 Feb 2004
Time: 03:34 PM -0500
Good Afternoon. Tom A. here, a grateful sober alcoholic by the grace of a wonderful Higher Power and this fellowship. Step 9 has been an important action step for me. Being armed with that list was helpful and my early sponsors told me to pay close attention to "...except when to do so would injure them or others." And they also said include yourself in the others category. Yes, I needed to make amends to myself and well as other people and that has proven to be a vital lesson. I have a practice where I use a step and a tradition corresponding to each month and I actually use them in my morning devotional and try to practice what they are telling me to do each day. Thank God for Step 10. Love and prayers to all who post a read this Staying Cyber site. God Bless - Tom A.
Member: KimM
Location: Florida
Remote Name: 66.245.81.76
Date: 24 Feb 2004
Time: 01:45 PM -0500
Have you ever notice that the steps have more than one part to them? As in such with Step 9 I see three parts. The first part: AMENDS; were my sincere efforts to offer apologies of past harm, build bridges for better relationships and effective agents that removed guilt, shame and remorse. The second part was: wherever possible; some of the people were deceased and some were not the people I wanted to be around anymore. The third part: injure them or others; people who would be hurt than helped by my action (like unethical businees partners) or the events in my life were still fresh and these could trigger rage in others by my presence plus I still had to work some of the anger and resentments out. I also had to ask myself if I wanted to be a Peacmaker or do I just want to put the past behind me, sweep it under the rug and get on with my dysfunctional life? My giving of amends to others was the corrective balance against the self-centerdness of my old relationship patterns. If I was not able to be at peace with my fellow, I could not be at peace with myself. But I do admit that most of my step 9 was one sided. Some people did not want to forgive me, some wanted nothing to do with me, and still others forgave by the power of example: doing the next right thing : living sober. I was at the top of the list for my amends. I forgave myself and I am no longer a slave to the power of my old resentments that held be in bondage.
Member: Gage
Location: swamp
Remote Name: 205.188.209.38
Date: 25 Feb 2004
Time: 01:06 AM -0500
I'm Gage and I'm an alcoholic. Step 9 reunited me with my father whom I had been estranged from for many years. he's old, and I'm so happy to have found in this beautiful program of ours the means and the courage to admit how I have wronged him, and to make amends for it to him. He did some things in the past that hurt me too. he hasn't offered anything to me regarding that, and I don't care. I'm so relieved to be free of my anger toward him. I love him in spite of himself and I hope he loves me in spite of myself. I think he does. Thank God for AA.
Member: Stephen C
Location: North Stratford,N.H.
Remote Name: 165.121.146.24
Date: 25 Feb 2004
Time: 01:08 PM -0500
well,hello to everyone and my name is stephen and im 9 months sober and ive been trying to live these steps every day in my life and yes i have problems jumps around on them and ive talk to my sponser and he has said as lond as i dont drink and go to meeting and thats hat ive been doing and as for step 9,ive have done making the amends,but i really had to sit down and think very hard why i did make the amends and realise that all my fear,jelouis and not wanting to hurt anyone and my biggest problem was to be able to stop hating myself and to not want that first drink
Member: Beverly M
Location: Bellingham, Wa
Remote Name: 198.81.26.48
Date: 25 Feb 2004
Time: 02:10 PM -0500
Hi beverly M. here from WA. I am now on step 9. The other steps have been very rewarding to me. Step 9 scares me alot. Only for one factor I have to do most of them face to face. And that means seeing a man that I have done a way with. But I know that once I get throw this step there will be a fredom that I have never known. This piticular man has had an impact on me from the day I was born. I am scared to make my amends but yet I will be relived to have closed that chappter to my life. I will be relising my self from the prison I have put myself into. What a joy but in order to have true happiness you have to walk throw that scare dark place. That way you can injoy what happiness brings you. Your friend and sister Beverly M
Member: AZbill
Location: azbill1172@cox.net
Remote Name: 68.226.19.133
Date: 25 Feb 2004
Time: 05:10 PM -0500
HI. Bill here, alcoholic from Arizona. This is the Step where I find out the light at the end of the tunnel was not a RR train. I am out of the woods now. What a relief!! Some of my amends came from my fourth step. Most did not. I may have been angry at someone but if I caused them no harm then I did not owe an amend. There were those that I harmed greatly; however, was not angry or afraid of them, nor did I have sex with them. Therefore they were not in my fourth Step. But, I owed them amends. My approach was simple and straight forward. I showered, shaved, put on clean underwear and nice clothes, shined my shoes and walked up to each and said, "I know I have done you harm in the past, what can I do to set matters straight?". In almost every case my amends were accepted. I got my old job back. In some cases I was handed back checks and was told it was enough to see me sober. Keep this if you need it. I did not need it. I do have one daughter that still holds a grudge. That is ok. I have done my part. It is water over the dam. I have detached with love. If she comes back into my life I will welcome her with open arms. If she does not, well that is her choice.... I still have a former wife, a hubby in law and 5 more daughters who have taken me back into their lifes and I am welcome in all their homes today and do indeed visit them every summer. Thank you very much; I love you, Bill
Member: AZbill
Location: azbill1172@cox.net
Remote Name: 68.226.19.133
Date: 25 Feb 2004
Time: 05:12 PM -0500
HI. Bill here, alcoholic from Arizona. This is the Step where I find out the light at the end of the tunnel was not a RR train. I am out of the woods now. What a relief!! Some of my amends came from my fourth step. Most did not. I may have been angry at someone but if I caused them no harm then I did not owe an amend. There were those that I harmed greatly; however, was not angry or afraid of them, nor did I have sex with them. Therefore they were not in my fourth Step. But, I owed them amends. My approach was simple and straight forward. I showered, shaved, put on clean underwear and nice clothes, shined my shoes and walked up to each and said, "I know I have done you harm in the past, what can I do to set matters straight?". In almost every case my amends were accepted. I got my old job back. In some cases I was handed back checks and was told it was enough to see me sober. Keep this if you need it. I did not need it. I do have one daughter that still holds a grudge. That is ok. I have done my part. It is water over the dam. I have detached with love. If she comes back into my life I will welcome her with open arms. If she does not, well that is her choice.... I still have a former wife, a hubby in law and 5 more daughters who have taken me back into their lifes and I am welcome in all their homes today and do indeed visit them every summer. Thank you very much; I love you, Bill
Member: Peggy E
Location: Salem, Oregon
Remote Name: 67.164.52.213
Date: 26 Feb 2004
Time: 10:21 PM -0500
Hi! I'm Peggy. I'm an alcoholic. The 9th Step: o make amends but found the process to become magical. I ended up 12 stepping people who didn't know AA was here. It repaired broken relationships. It really helped me move on with my life. I didn't leave anyone out - especially the scarey ones. In fact the ones I feared most I had the best outcome. "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it"...
Member: Peggy E
Location: Salem, Oregon
Remote Name: 67.164.52.213
Date: 26 Feb 2004
Time: 10:21 PM -0500
Hi! I'm Peggy. I'm an alcoholic. The 9th Step: o make amends but found the process to become magical. I ended up 12 stepping people who didn't know AA was here. It repaired broken relationships. It really helped me move on with my life. I didn't leave anyone out - especially the scarey ones. In fact the ones I feared most I had the best outcome. "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it"...
Member: Nate W.
Location: Spokane, WA
Remote Name: 24.18.115.53
Date: 27 Feb 2004
Time: 03:09 PM -0500
Nate alcoholic here, I have made most all of my amends which have turned out good for me whether I still see them or not it makes me feel better for myself.
Member: jimr
Location: chicago
Remote Name: 68.164.228.196
Date: 29 Feb 2004
Time: 01:07 AM -0500
awe, I hate this step. Always the step I feared the most. To try to set things right with somebody I spent a good part of my life hating, resenting, trying to control and manipulate? You've got to be kidding me! After taking a good hard look at my inventory, especially the fourth column (how I set the ball rolling in most resentments, fears, sex relations, where was I at fault, where was I selfish?) I took the names from that 1rst column resentment, fear, sex relationship & harm to others lists and set out to do eactly what I DIDN'T want to do, as directed by a contoll, demonic sponsor... And that was to make direct amends to people I had harmed, dissappointed, let down, and frustrated to no end. The Promises came through as promised, especially feelings of uselessness and self pity would slip away. But the real work had just begun. Spiritual conditioning can be so enlightening, yet often very difficult. Steps 10 through 12 all lead back to 1 with new manifestations of unmanageability and current states of agnosticism. The ego must constantly be deflated. Thanks for the share. Best wishes to all.