Member: Mike H
Location: Jackson MI
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 09:32 AM

Comments

I was told by professionals that it isn't how much you drink but what happens when you drink. If I was getting into trouble with the law, or my family and friends, or whatever and drinking was involved I might have an alcohol problem. In my case there was no "might" about it. As long as I am sober I am considered a nice guy and fun to be around. Let me start drinking and everyone around me runs for cover. They never know what will happen this time. AA has helped me to see that drinking for me does not work. I do believe that I am an alcoholic.


Member: Tom
Location: NY
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 10:09 AM

Comments

Day 49, sober and thankful Diane, best of luck to YOU and your SON. I can relate to what your saying more than you could imagine. Probably the most important thing you can offer your son in the way of help is to lead by example. Sounds like your doing a hellava good job.


Member: Tom
Location:
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 10:28 AM

Comments

I had a feeling this topic would come up. I have not gone the AA f2f route yet.. but I would really like to know the answer to this topic. Is there a differene between alcohol abuse and alcoholism? Is there a definitive line?


Member: scaredtodeath
Location:
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 10:29 AM

Comments

Hi I am new here and read last weeks posts. Monica how did the first day go? You posted on the 28th. I do not know what to do from 5pm on either. Wine without dinner? No cocktails before wine? I do not drink coffee at night or smoke what do I fill that time with? I feel lost.......and very very scared my life is gonna change.....my friends will change,,,,I prefer drinks over food at night. I am afraid I will get fat too. ( love hate thing with food )I need structure ,,,,,,,I need help. I am an ACOA (adult child of two alcoholics)always thought I had a "handle" on my "social" drinking and It was a "choice" however I do believe after several years of this "daily social drinking"3-7 drinks a night depending on what the occation is my body has now made dopeaime receptors for alcohol and I now need it. I will try to be sober tonight no drinks not one,,,,,I will let you know if i can.


Member: Melissa
Location: Canada
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 11:01 AM

Comments

A true alcoholic has lost the ability to chose. It doesn't necessarily mean someone who is insanely drunk all the time. The tricky bit is being honest with ourselves, because we are past-masters at rationalization. Basically I (and this is my opinion ONLY) think that if I am trying to control my drinking, who am I kidding? I've already lost control. Non- alcoholics never seem to wonder if they might be alcoholics, much like I never wonder if I might be a man. In my heart and soul and mind, I know I am a woman. The same thoughts didn't apply when I was wondering if I was alcoholic. Anyway, my experience is that when I (reluctantly) admitted that I drank too often and at inappropriate times, the light started dawning that I might be an alcoholic, but it wasn't until I tried to quit, and stay quit (this went on for over a year; it was a hard year) and just couldn't, that I got scared and desperate enough to ask for help in AA. AA worked and is working, but that only happened when I wanted recovery in AA, as opposed to just needing it. I am unspeakably grateful for what AA has taught me. Love and encouragement to all the newcomers; there IS a solution.


Member: Alan G
Location: IL
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 11:10 AM

Comments

Hi all..Alan here..Wow definitely an alcoholic here..Constantly Going to bed asking for forgiveness, can't beleive I am drunk again. Then I turn to the Big Book and read, vowing that tomorrow I will not drink. Then tomorrow comes I go to work and by the time the afternoon comes I have already forgotten the previous nights promises as I pull into the Liquor store and get my 32oz beer which sends me off again into the same cycle...Today is Day one again..


Member: September
Location: FL
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 12:25 PM

Comments

Hello everyone, I struggled with this topic myself last week and finally came to realize that yes I ma. I tink its whewn alcohol becomes more than just a past time, when it becomes what you look forward to, when you don't know what to do without it being included, when you tell yourself you are just going for a few drinks with friends and it ends up an all night or few days of boozing, whenyou find yourself spending money you don't have, when you aren't always 100% at work due to a constant hangover, when you start fighting with yourself inside that you can control the drinking, knowing that the fight and the thoughts are there because you know deep down you can't and haven't been, when you have built up a list of regrets from soemthing you have done while intoxicated, when you find yourself coming to a site as this or pickingup a book just to see if you are actually an alcoholic, thats just your concious trying to get through to you, you are probably an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic and this week I can admit it. I guess I could say that last week when I was going back and fourth and coming to this site twice a day and trying to rationalize the entire reasonings for why I am here and the fear of it all, I ended up falling again and pretty hard, so now I am back and on Day #5 and happy again that I almost have a week under my belt. More determined than ever to change. Just as you all have stated before, I just don't know what to do now that i don't have it in my life. I can't spend time with my regular friends anymore, they are all into going to the bars..of course...and really nothing else..so I guess I am going to be alone for awhile and hope that changing my routine will lead me to meet different groups of people. Still wanting to go to a meeting and I really hope that I meet some friends there. Just don't want this to be a boo hoo party everyday, want to have fun, I want to live...I don't want this constant begging for help syndrome over me, but I guess thats what I need to do right now until I am a little stronger, I guess I just have to take this one day at a time.


Member: mariab
Location: North Florida
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 01:25 PM

Comments

Scaredtodeath and all: I had an incredible experience last night. I went to a f2f meeting, asked for a schedule at the end and ended up being taken to a second meeting with a GREAT group of people, then going out to eat, then going to a "night owl" meeting. I got lots of women's phone numbers and at each meeting we discussed what it is like to start out in AA. I have struggled for years with the question of whether I am an alcoholic, cut out drinking a bottle of wine every night to just a few wine coolers (no hangover but a buzz and sleep) but my life revolved around having alcohol. If there is booze in the house, it gets into my mouth and brain, never an exception. I, too, wonder how I will fill the time but the experience last night was amazing--all these nice people who went to a restaurant where alcohol is served, ate, laughed, and welcomed me with open arms. One man made a very moving statement about the loneliness that every alcoholic/"am I an alcoholic" experiences: he said, if you stay with us, you will never be lonely again. That's not to say it is perfect. I got a list of numbers and earlier today when I wanted to drink called them all and no one was home. So I went swimming, called a friend, and came here. Good luck to you in figuring out your situation, I pray for all of us.


Member: Jane C
Location: Alaska
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 01:37 PM

Comments

Jane C..A good topic !!I know that I am an alcoholic..I have no doubts..I lived around alcoholics for most of my growing up.also heavy smokers, dying of cancer..these were the two things I was NEVER going to do..well I don't smoke, but the other?...I drank too much the very first time I picked up a drink...I had no idea how it would affect me.. I got so sick I thought I would die...I never touched a drink again until I had an abusive ex husband..it was all I felt I could do to be able to stay in that situation...I stopped when I remarried a great guy and starated again many years later with his illness..I stopped with the help of AA..I'm back again on this site and it is helping me more than I thought there is so much help here if we can all really see that we have this disease, and it is a disease..why don't I smoke ?..because it's a choice..why do I want the drink?.. because it's a disease..and with the help of AA and all the God that I have in my life...I pray that I will beat this disease again... I read somewhere that if you can drink 3 drinks a day..no more and no less for a week or more, you are not an alcoholic...well I tried it\and guess what? I failed..big time..so no more tests for me and I hope no one here tries it, because take it from me..you will surely fail...May God keep us all sober today and tomorrow will take care of itself,...one day at a time... do


Member: Jenny M.
Location: Spokane, WA
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 01:40 PM

Comments

hopefully what I just shared got posted. I am back in early sobriety and riding on a pink cloud. I don't want it to go away again.


Member: Jenny M.
Location: Spokane, WA
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 01:44 PM

Comments

hopefully what I just shared got posted. I am back in early sobriety and riding on a pink cloud. I don't want it to go away again.


Member: Glen
Location: Denton TX
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 02:05 PM

Comments

Tom, the "perfessionals" certainly think that there is a line somewhere, so many points or something on a set of questions and they'll be glad to classify you. AA lets us pronounce ourselves, as it were. It took quite a bit for me, because all those bad things that were happening weren't because of my dinking, I just had bad luck, people didn't understand my problems, etc etc. Finally, though the evidence became overwhelming. Like scared, I was afraid of change...until...I realized I had to change. If you didn't want to change, hell, I'd still be dinking. Most of find that not only do we not miss it, we recoil from the thought.


Member: Pam B - Sobergirl91 at hotmail.com
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 03:13 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm Pam - an alcoholic. When I came to AA I was tricked into thinking I was going for other reasons when in fact I was really being 12th Stepped to my 1st AA mtg. I did not think I had a problem w/alcohol. & I knew I wasn't an alcoholic because I was not some toothless bald old wino in a trench-coat sleeping in door-ways. --- I thought alcohol was my comfort whenever needed - & to get total trashed was my 'reward' at the end of each miserable week after all the hard work & taking care of everything I always did & the crap that I was always having to put up with from everyone. --- I had not been arrested for drinking, I had not lost the hubby, the kids, friends, jobs, the car nor any of the common losses we suffer. ----- But as I listened at that very 1st mtg I identified w/doing the same being led around by the nose by alcohol! - Even tho I'd always considered myself the original 'Ms Freebird' that did as I wanted to & drank because I enjoyed it & wanted to - I realized I'd never been making any free-will decisions nor choices of my own: ----- the disease of alcoholism (which for me included booze & alcohol in the form of drugs as well)is what had always really decided all that I ever did - (including giving me the thinking that I drank because I felt like it) --- the power this disease held over me is what chose & decided where I went, who my friends were, who I married or rejected for relationships with, whether I accepted or declined invites to things (could drink at them or not), how I spent my money, which social activities, sports & hobbies & passtimes I enjoyed, the kind of jobs I took, whether I showed up at parent-teacher conferences or special events at the my childrens' schools (wouldn't if I thought I smelled like booze at all or had already started drinking before time to go) & had even started deciding whether I made it home to cook dinner, do homework & get my children into bed at night or not! Alcohol was the lord & master dictating every area of my life! - I was just the mere mindless nitwit of a puppet on its strings! I wasn't living any life of my own! Alcohol was my master & I was its slave! ----- I knew without a doubt that I am powerless over the tremendous power & control this disease of alcoholism holds over me - a disease that is so powerful that it is physical, mental & spiritual - affecting every area of my life - I am an alcoholic. ----- The 'loss' I suffered thru the use & abuse of alcohol was complete & total loss of myself. Everything about my whole life was therefore unmanageable. I may not have gotten into trouble every time I drank, but I was drinking every time I ever got into trouble - & this disease was the total control of how I felt, thought & perceived things at all times - whether under the influence at the moment or not. These 12 Steps is what FREED me & changed all that, one day at a time. Thank God, this program & all of you. Pam


Member: Dale W
Location: W.Y.
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 03:29 PM

Comments

Hi! Dale an I'm an alcoholic. The Big book talks about this on page 30. We had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic. the delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be has to be smashed. For me that took a long time. But in the end I had to concede. I have an allergy to alcohol so when I pick up that first drink my body and mind react differently tan most folks, I can't stop but my mind always told me it would be different this time but it never was. I drank when my wife didn't want me to, when my children didn't want me to, when my boss said i'd be fired, when the judge told me not to, and most important when I told myself I wasn't going to. time after time I would try and always the same thing Jails, institutuions, and suicide attempts. But there is Hope and I found it at the doors of A.A. I got a sponsor and started meeting with that sponsor weekly, read the B.B. went to alot of meetings, and made friends with other members. I haven't had to worry about happy hours or parties or where I go Today I know I am safe and protected. Keep coming back! Thanks


Member: scaredtodeath
Location: midwest
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 03:40 PM

Comments

WOW Pam your comments are so enlightening. This is where I stuggled with the whole "could I be thing" No one even KNOWS I have a problem (well maybe my husband notices but he has NEVER said a word to me) and that is because I have managed to work things in my life "just so" that they would never notice. Clean house Clean kids two dogs one cat,,,,,modle mother, parent wife,,,I never get sloppy drunk,,,but I am drunk almost every evening. Hey martinis are "fasionable" until they control my day and my life. I swore this would never happen to me.....but eventually two drinks a night became three then four,,,,,,little by little more and more till I started lieing in bed praying for help at 3am but forgetting how that flet by 5:00 pm. I am repulsed by myself my weakness,,,,,,,,this was at one time a fun pleasurable entertaining thing in my life that has become a monkey on my back,,,,,and I am sick of it.......so I guess being "kinda an alcoholic" is like being "kinda pregnate"


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 04:02 PM

Comments

Thanks Tom I appreciate one person not telling me I'm nuts. I am trying to be a good example. Now as for this topic I know I am a Alcoholic because when I start drinking I have to have my regular 4 to 5 mixed drinks each night. I would wait till nine cause I knew if I started earlier I would be crashed in 2 hours or drunk off my butt and in bed. I would have my husband control my drinking for me but I always knew I had a drinking problem. I would get upset easy and make mountains out of mole hills. I would think about something that happened a week before and while drunk I would call people up and act like a ass. I would basically act like a stupid drunk Woman. I remember not remembering if I said something on a online chat program called pal talk. I would do black outs and forget what I said or done. So no question in my head. I never got a ticket, or broke the law but I almost broke up my marriage because of booze. So today I am sober and pray I will stay that way. I do no one think I can not take the first drink cause even thought at first it would not be much as my body got use to the drinking again I would go back to the same 4 or 5 or even 6 drinks if I begged hard enough. way to go ((Tom))) on your 49 days today for me is ((((( 131 )))) SOBER......YES


Member:
Location:
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 04:09 PM

Comments

listenen to the slut bitch pam and your sure to be drunk off your asses


Member: Kerry C
Location: kerryctx@hotmail.com
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 04:35 PM

Comments

Kerry here an alcoholic. The way that I really came to grips with being an alcoholic was the time issue. When I honestly looked at how much time I spent daily either drinking, planning to drink, getting the beer, or recovering from the after effects; I began to realize that alcohol consumed more of my daily routine than anything else in my life did. It became very clear to me that alcohol was managing my life. I would only do activities that allowed drinking and only hang around with other drinkers. It isn't surpising that when we quit drinking we are lost and don't know what to do with our time since the consumtion of alcohol took up most of our time before. It was suggested to me to spend as much time on the solution to my problem as I did drinking. Wow what an order...But I did agree to go to any lengths. My first response was no way am I going to spend that much time in AA. But it was ok to spend that much time drinking was my sponsors response. So I still only hang around drunks; only they don't drink any more. I met these people at f2f AA meetings. We go fishing, to AA events, conferences,...etc. You would be surprised how much AA and recovery is talked while fishing. Went to play bingo Friday night at an AA club and won a really nice tackle box as well as supported the social club. Next time I am fishing with someone from AA, I am sure the tackle box will strike up a good 2 or 3 person AA meeting ;) Humans are social beings and we aren't a glum lot. I had to take the action and make the effort to get to know people at AA. Now that I hang with these people I am sure I am alcoholic, we are all too much alike... :) Congrats to everyone who has this 24 hours sober.


Member: Nadine S
Location: sober2day35@yahoo.com
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 05:01 PM

Comments

Hi,I'm an alcoholic/drug addict and my name is Nadine!!!10 months ago that was really hard to say, and now, what a relief!!! No loner ensalved by my obsession with drugs and alcohol. These substances were not a problem in my life... THEY WERE MY LIFE! The first 90 days were the hardest. I had not a single happy sober memory. Slowly my HP began to create them for me. Kerry, you mentioned fishing? I live in a place where there are lakes and rivers all around me and fishing is my new addiction! I fish with a fellow alki and she has 15 years. Not only is she the consumate fisherperson she works the program to the best of her abiity and I thank my HP for our friendship. SOBER MEMORIES...who would have thunk it. I had a spiritual awakening the other day. It's been very difficult to do social things with the fellowship but I force myself to participate. The other day I actually wanted to return a group dinner/meeting invitation. I genuinlly wanted to spend time with them. It was such a different feeling...not forced... fear of people, gaining interest in my fellows,self-pity and self seeking is slipping away...it's happening... happy, joyous and free! Thank you God for this Divine Program... May I do Thy will always!! Anyone who wants to chat about fishing drop me a line.(no pun intended!!!)


Member: September
Location: FL
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 05:36 PM

Comments

Hi everyone, closing another day...((Kari)) I hope you come back, we all have fallen..just pick yourself back up..forgive yourself and start over, you can't give up....((Pam)) your story was really great to read..it really hit home in a lot of ways. I am praying for everyone and hope that we are able to continue are days in sobriety. I had a really good day today. I went shopping with my mother for some things for my new place that I will be moving into on Friday. Very excited about it. So far everything has worked out great, got a good deal on furniture so its just the little stuff that i need to gather now. The second job is getting easier and actually I am glad to have it. It takes up my time so I am not sitting around wondering what to do. I have been trying to get to the library and read mroe on this issue, so far still haven't went to a meeting though. I feel like I want to wait until I am in my new place and don't have to account to anyone for where I have been. i still haven't admitted this problem to others. Feel like I can battle it alone, but can't bear the thought of telling my family about it. So being on my own, I can concentrate on me, without the worries of others. Maybe later in the steps I will be stronger to admit to others that I am an alcoholic. Hey at least I am admitting it to myself :-) So now I am about to sit down to dinner but thought I would check in and see how everyone is doing here. to the one who has the attitude about others views why don't you name who you are is you feel so strongly, oh thats right your just a coward behind a computer with a big mouth, probably fat, bald, and this is the only form of entertainment you have...Goiod luck in nutville


Member: Nadine S
Location: sober2day35@yahoo.com
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 06:00 PM

Comments

Alki/Druggie and my name is Nadine. Sorry for double dipping but I forgot to share some things. I know I'm an Alki because normal drinkers don't think about drinking in between every thought they have. I"m traveling to San Diego for bussiness(another miracle for working this program) and I printed out my meeting lists but I would like to chat with a San Diegoan who can give the scoop on them. Can anyone help? 7 days away from my home group is scary!!


Member: Stacy
Location: West Coast
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 06:25 PM

Comments

Stacy, alcoholic. ((scaredtodeath)), you are right on the money!!!! My situation was MUCH like yours. The monkey on my back was unbearable. My life totally revolved around when I would drink next...how I could creatively incorporate drinking into my afternoon/evening...how I could manage it get 5 down and sober up enough by the time my husband got home. I was a slave. The idea that I am like others HAD to be smashed and it is with AA. Having just taken the third step I can tell you this. I am free. My life is not easy. I am cleaing wreckage and sorting through many painful things, but I am free. I am an alcoholic, no doubt. I am in recovery, no doubt. And I am so grateful for that. Keep coming back to all the newcomers. This is the beginning of a life of freedom, at least it has been for me.


Member: Karen P.
Location: Wrightsville & Atlanta, GA
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 08:19 PM

Comments

It took me a long time to admit that I was an alcoholic, complete with sneaking alcohol, lying about how much I was drinking, and embarrassing myself in social situations. Even when I admitted it, I was still drinking, and not taking it as seriously as it needed to be taken. It took a night of embarrassing circumstances, a black out, and a cab driver refusing to take me to a treatment center because I was too inebriated. I had locked myself out of the house, and some kind neighbors got a locksmith and put me to bed. I didn't know what had happened until the next morning. I drove myself to a treatment center, where they told me I was still vulnerable to a DUI based on my breatholizer. I spent a week in detox, and that "sobered me up." I began taking it seriously, got my second white (beginner's) chip, and haven't had a drink since. That was almost a year and a half ago. I still think about drinking, but I don't do it. I AM an alcoholic, but it took me a long time to truly realize that and what it meant. I now go to meetings, have a sponsor, and am going back and forth on the 10th, 11th, and 12th steps (I also had a problem with HP). I'm pleased with my progress and grateful to the program. If can be of any help to anyone who is still struggling as I did, my email is Poelman@msn.com. I'd be happy to hear from you.


Member: Jeff H.
Location: mid.Missouri
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 09:40 PM

Comments

I knew when my life spun out of control,when my paychecks were getting cashed at the local bar.I would come home and not be able to buy my kids an ice cream.When I woke up in jail and didn't remember how i got there:( This is how I knew.Now lately I've been doing good screwed up my sober fishing trip this weekend,finally relized the most basic facts,you have to change your friends.I think this has been the hardest thing for me.I love my children but sometimes I have to talk to adults!No drivers license out in the country wishing I had a sober person to do things with,I'll pray on it while I'm praying for us all good night,god bless:)


Member: David W
Location: Summit, NJ
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 11:21 PM

Comments

David, an alcoholic. Page 44 of the Big Book was helpful for me in answering "How do I know if I am an alcoholic?" It says: "We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the nonalcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer." When I looked honestly at my behavior, I had to admit that even when I really, really wanted to quit -- I couldn't stay stopped for long. I couldn't quit "entirely". And when I started to drink, I definitely had very little control over the amount I drank -- in fact, I never really new for sure when or where it would end. You see, I have a mental obsession when it comes to alcohol, where my mind tells me "this time will be different, go ahead and drink". For some reason, at certain times I can't see the truth from the false about my drinking -- somehow I forget the pain and suffering that has resulted from my drinking. Also, it turns out that I have a "physical allergy" to alcohol, my body brakes alcohol down differently than the normal drinkers does. Once I injest it, my body craves more of the same. This combination mental obsession and phenomenon of craving creates a vicious cycle where I am powerless over alcohol. The Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book explains all this. When I was new to the Fellowship, the chapter "More About Alcoholism" was probably the most helpful for me -- when read that chapter, I new I belonged in AA. The stories about Jim and Fred illustrated the type of thinking that preceded drinking (my real problem). I could really identify with Jim and Fred. I love the Jaywalker story too. Fortunately, not only does the Big Book help me see my problem (powerlessness), but it offers a solution too!!! A practical program of action (the steps) that allows me to find a power greater than ourselves that will solve my problem. I found someone experienced with working the steps in the Big Book, they took me through the work and I'm blown away by the change in my outlook on life. It is a lot better than just not drinking. If it worked for me, I believe it can work for you too !!! "May God bless you and keep you--until then."


Member: Carrie
Location: Los Angeles
Date: August 03, 2003
Time: 11:59 PM

Comments

I knew I was an alcoholic early on, but I didn't know what an alcoholic was. I used to think it just meant I loved to drink. When things started really falling apart, I got scared enough to get help. I was at the end of my rope, I felt crazy because I would promise myself that I wouldn't drink after work and then drive right to the liquor store on the way home. I had terrible hangovers in the middle of the week from drinking alone. I started getting more and more out of hand when I was out in public and drinking. Waking up had become a depressing prospect. I had become jealous of the lucky people who died in plane and automobile accidents. All I wanted to do was be alone and drink, and once I was drunk all I wanted to do was to be with people having fun. Finally, I wasn't getting buzzed anymore - just sort of numb with my mind spinning paranoia and terrible thoughts. I felt I had to either kill myself or quit drinking, and both ideas scared the hell out of me. That's when I started to understand alcoholism. Since getting sober, I have learned more and more about the disease and how it has effected my life. I was alot sicker than I thought, and I can see it now because I am actually getting healthier. Thank God for AA, my life is a miracle. We are all miracles.


Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 12:04 AM

Comments

Hi, Kelly an alcoholic. I knew I was an alcoholic for 10 years before I quit. I knew because I had to drink every day after work. The first drink started a craving inside me so intense I could not stop drinking until I was drunk. I could not ever control, nor wanted to quit drinking. That was my best friend and it came before everything and everyone in my life. I always had (a plan)on how I could manage my life and still drink. I guess I did not care that I was an alcoholic as long as I had my plan in place. I would have begged, stealed or borrowed to have my booze. As Jeff mentioned when your life starts spiraling out of control that's a real sign. If you start losing everything you love bit by bit and try to ignore that fact. I tried to hide my drinking for many years and only fooled myself. (Denial). Then one day you can't stop without DT's. Then you can't get drunk anymore and shut your head off no matter how much you drink. Then you start pissing the bed so you sleep/ pass out alone. Then you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is open the refrigerator to see how much you drank, and what if any is left. You stop eating because your getting fat because of all the calories in booze and have a swollen liver that makes you look 6 months pregnant. The worst part for me was losing myself totally at the end. I lost my self respect, job, home, fiance, a child. Did I expect this? No way, that was not part of the plan. It was alcohol's plan though and it is a cunning foe. It took me down hard and I wonder why I did not get help when I first acknowleged to my inner most self I had a problem? I guess my obsession to drink was stronger than my desire to stop. I also had no real higher power because booze was my HP. I created a God in my own image that had to destroy me as much as I had to destroy myself... I'm glad I made it out alive and I have a second chance at life with AA. One more acid test... If your here you know at some level your an alcoholic. That is the easy part. Step 1, I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable. Surrendering is the hard part. Giving my self and my life over to a power greater than myself/(booze). God speed to all of us to have the Courage to take this journey back. Kelly


Member:
Location:
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 03:48 AM

Comments

Kelly how long did you drink total?


Member: Jeff H
Location: mid.Missouri
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 07:00 AM

Comments

good morning all, david good stuff alot hitting home reading everyones input is helping.Kelly I can only hope that my wife can see I'm tring and I don't lose my children,but it looks bleak.God bless you for your input It forced an eye open.Carrie I'm sure you will do fine it sounds like your planning ahead enjoy your success/trip.Must go lay asphalt(I'm putting in my 2 weeks today)changing places too. always beer in the shop fridge can't take it anymore.shutting a window, hoping a door will open.:)God bless and have a great and sober day.


Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 08:22 AM

Comments

Hi Jeff, Good luck with the work fridge. It sounds pretty bad right now for you but you can surrender anytime your ready. You say you are isolated in the country without a car. Could you call AA and find a meeting nearby and possibly a ride? I give rides to newcomers and it is my pleasure and helps keep me sober. Just a thought. BTW, I drank daily for 10 years and the last 2 I drank around the clock for whoever asked. Everyone, great, honest shares and I have enjoyed reading all of them. Hi Diane, 132 days is awesome, keep it up! Karen P. Glad to see a familiar name. I am so proud of you with a year and a half! I'm coming up on a year October 1st and my son and daughter and my Mom will be there along with all my AA friends to see me get my 1 year medallion. My sponsor will present me with it. Somehow this is more exciting then getting my High School diploma. I had to work harder for it and it came at such a cost... Gotta go look for an Apt. Bye 4 Now. God Bless us all. Kelly


Member: mariab
Location: north florida
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 08:33 AM

Comments

I know I'm an alcoholic because the past three mornings I've woken up sober and even though I have a lot of other problems in my life, this first small step gives me an element of peace. Last night was hard--I so wanted a drink to go to sleep.


Member: Bob B
Location: NJ
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 09:16 AM

Comments

Hi, I am Bob and I am an Alcoholic, because "When I start, I can't stop and when I stop I can't stop thinkin about it." It was this way for 30+ years. Remember, your brain has 2 sides and as long as one side makes up the BS and the other side believes it your going to have a problem. "To thine own self be true" is what I have to be on a daily basis. Been sober 5 yrs (D.O.S. 7/25/98). Thanks for letting me share.


Member: September
Location: FL
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 10:17 AM

Comments

Hi everyone, on Day #6..feeling great. I woke up feeling the desire to exercise and I have started a diet!! I have been reading a book by Ilyana Vanzant called "Until Today" its a daily inspirational book. It is really helping me to become more spitiual and in finding ways to help me deal with bottled up feelings. It has really been a great help so far. I am learning that its okay to make mistakes and that I have to stop trying to control everything in my life, that I need to trust that God will take care of things. It was wierd, i felt this overwhelming relief inside because I think I am finally fidning my spirituality. Something that I have never really known. I guess I have been on a long journey these past few years and somehow everything is coming into perspective, it really took me a long time just to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic, now I am finally able to put my faith and trust into God, as if admitting I am an alcoholic opened my heart to Him. I guess that sounds wierd, and I am only on day #6 today, but I think somehow I have made some sort of turning point in my life. I was always afraid of being some bible reading, preaching, wierdo..there are so many people out there with faith and I was always afraid of it or just didn't understand it. So much is changing for the better, I really hope it continues. I am feeling stronger today and defintley want more than ever to change my life. I will never have anything unless I change. ((mariab)) I am praying for you..this whole thing is so hard and confusing and I really hope we all find our way through it. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you!!!


Member: Tracy
Location: Essex, England
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 11:01 AM

Comments

Hi Tracy alcohoic here, 200days sober. Well looking back now I relised I was an alcoholic long ago but choose to ignore it and pull the wool over everyones eyes including myself. It is only now that I can see how sick I was, I ended up lying in the street bleeding, black and blue, police taking photos, kids taken to neighbours houses and husband in handcuffs, only for me to tell the police and neighbours to p**s of and I continued to party indoors on my own, and I thought that was a bloody good time. Boy am I glad I am an alcoholic coz otherwise I would be satan.


Member: Carrie
Location: Los Angeles
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 11:08 AM

Comments

mariab, september and all newcomers - In the begining I slept ALOT, I cried ALOT, I ate ALOT of light ice cream, and walked to alot of meetings instead of driving to just get out of my head . I was angry, scared, sad, lonely, and tired. Just do what ever makes you feel better, the begining can be REALLY tough, but if you hang in there you will NEVER,EVER regret it. DOS 1/20/03 - 6 1/2 months : )


Member: KC
Location: & the Sushine Band
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 11:13 AM

Comments

Carrie in LA---In case nobody's told you this yet--YOU ARE IN THE BEGINNING!!! 6 1/2 months is baby steps and a fine START, but that's all it is, so get a grip would ya?


Member: Jane C.
Location: Alaska
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 12:17 PM

Comments

Jane C..I am a very grateful alcoholic..when I first heard someone say that I couldn't really understand it, I do now. I'm only 21 days sober, but I am truly very grateful.I know that AA works.I just need to get to a ftf group meeting. I checked out the locations when I first got here 2 yrs ago, but just never had the courage to get the body and mind there.(Mariab), I'm so happy that you finally took the giant step and found it so rewarding. I'm just being a coward for now,I have such problems with socializing in groups that I sit in the back and rush out of church as soon as I can and when I went to meetings I felt so alone because I felt I couldn't give something back to these seemingly happy and wonderful people...I wanted so much to be like them and to share the way they did.I just couldn't get over the fear.I did however go no matter how uncomfortable I felt.I pray that I will get back there again soon. I had a dental appointment last week and the church across from his office has a meeting everyday at noon, and I got as far as the middle of the road, then turned and went back to my car.One day soon, I hope to get into the building.For now I can share here.As I read all the posts I can see how much some people have lost and it shows me over again all the "YETS" that I haven't had.. I lost pretty much nothing but who I used to be.I pretended things were OK when they weren't, I watered down my wine bottles so that no one knew how much I drank.I hid money so that I'd have it to buy more.I hid bottles when I bought thema..I drank hard alcohol that no one knew about.I drank from teacups so that they didn't know I was a morning drinker.My son couldn't understand how I could get so silly on one or two glass of wine.Of course, he didn't see what I'd already drank before he got home.I could feel great then all of a sudden go into a total blackout and wake up scared to death..check the car and cry when I saw that it was OK and worry that maybe the police would be after me anyway for something I may have done.I's shop in blackouts and go nuts looking for reaciepts to be sure I didn't steal anything.I had 2 auto accidents that taught me nothing but total fear and I still couldn't put down the drink..I this doesn't give absolute truth that I'm an alcoholic nothing could.I'm just rambling now..sorry guys..it's early in the AM here and so very quiet.and I love the peace it gives me.God Bless you all with another sober day.I'll be reading here again later in the evening.Be with God.


Member: September
Location: FL
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 12:19 PM

Comments

((KC)) what the hell makes you so knowledgeable. 6 1/2 months is a long time to be sober and defintley far from the stages that i am in..Maybe you need to get a grip..idiot ((Carrie)) thanks for the advice...I appreciate all your advice. It really helps me understand that what I am feeling is normal and it will all get better.


Member: Tracy
Location: Essex, England
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 12:58 PM

Comments

((CARRIE)) I'm with your gal! your sobriety sis from the other side of the pond! At least we tower above KC wat your say tracy.v@ntlworld.com


Member: Gage
Location: LA
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 01:41 PM

Comments

I'm Gage and I am an alcoholic. There is a chapter of our book, Alcoholics Anonymous, called The Doctor's Opinion. Some people say it is written in archaic language, and that's probably true. Medical research into alcoholism, I'm sure, has advanced quite a bit since that book was written, but, for me, the description of alcoholism given in this chapter is adequate. It's a description of what happened to me when I drank. It happened the first time I drank and it continued to happen everytime I drank for as long as I drank. It's simply this: When I took a drink, I would just rush with this glorious sense of euphoria that I just didn't want to go away. It turned on a switch in my brain that caused me to crave that feeling. Before I could finish the first drink, I'd be thinking about the next one and the only thing I feared was running out of booze. After a binge, I was always sorry. I was filled with fear and remorse. I might go awhile without a drink afterward, but within time, I'd want that feeling of euphoria again. That was my compulsion. My guess is that everyone who takes a drink gets that feeling, but the craving and compulsion, and the obsession with alcohol that I experienced, seems to be the province of people like myself. I hardly believe that anyone who has experienced it doesn't know that there is something different about their drinking. Ever hide booze so you'll be sure to have it when you need it? Ever take a few drinks before going somewhere to have drinks with people so you'll have more than them supposedly without them knowing it? Whomever it was who wanted to know how long Kelly drank, I'd love to know what you think is the significance of the question.


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 02:37 PM

Comments

in case KC don't know it this is a new sobriety page if he or she knows so much maybe they need to go to the other site and stop knocking ((Carrie)) This site is for us new sober folks and folks wanting to be sober to come and share our ups and downs with each other and maybe we will have a tiny bit of help to pass along someone brand new. I'm 132 days sober today and proud of it. God Bless all and a happy sober day to you all


Member: shy
Location:
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 02:49 PM

Comments

Gage the significance who knows he(kelly)was just so honest and open.It made me Wonder how long he drank because he knew he was alcoholic 10 tears before he quit.The important thing is he did stop and I'm tring......Praise God


Member: Jeff H
Location: mid.Missouri
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 03:57 PM

Comments

Just for today.Right?I was told in treatment that one sentence someone says could be the one thing that changes another's life.so please 6 months! Thats Great! please don't hold back,not anyone 1 day or 30 years I am a firm believer that god speaks through us all.Esspecially when we are triing to help one another.So,unfortunatly KC the grip is yours to get.It strikes me as strange that someone would write anything negative on a site such as this,it makes me think that people like that are so bored or jealous (Idon't know which)that they Have nothing better to do than bash others maybe they'll just read next time they log on.That said...Iput my 2 weeks in and when asked why, I told the truth.Guess what the boss sent me home!Ha HP didn't want me to be there for 2 more weeks.Thinking about moving the family back to St.Lou.Carrie I'm jealous:) God Bless


Member:
Location:
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 04:21 PM

Comments

Jane C..alcoholic, I still feel the need to remind myself regularly.. ( JEFF ), I'm with you on all the negative things that are said here.not only to other people, but also about this site or AA itself. This a wonderful place to be if you are an alcoholic or as the program says to some, The Desire to Stop Drinking.We all should be big enough to accept what anyone has to say, and possibly grow some from it


Member: Jane C.
Location: Alaska
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 04:24 PM

Comments

Jane C.again, may post sent off before I was finished with my 2 cents..DOWN with all negativiaty. Lets all be the adults we think we are..Be with God today and pray for another sober day..


Member: Jeff H
Location: mid.Missouri
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 04:39 PM

Comments

Jane C. just a question off subject is it the time of year when the sun just sets at night.(Just trying to imagine)and I thought I was outdoorsy bye for now


Member: Sally
Location: USA
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 05:18 PM

Comments

Well, I just wanted to say that if you think you have a problem w/alcohol - you do, because non-alkie's don't think about it. Even when I am not drinking much and only have the so called "acceptable" 2 glasses of wine - I still feel guilty, like others are judging me that I am even drinking. That's because I know of all the times I drank to excess, talked too much, felt stupid afterwards, etc. You just know.... In fact I have been trying, once again to be sober and went to a shower yesterday. I wasn't drunk, in fact I was holding my first glass of wine (I know - bad move) and cake in the other and my heel turned and I fell to my knees. I saw my kids look at me and instantly felt ashamed that they would think I was drinking. In fact, in my hand was the first glass, but maybe God was telling me something and after that I drank Perrier but I still felt the shame as if I had been drinking. The other comment I want to say is that I heard yesterday at this shower, people talking about so and so who is alchilic and how "those people never change" and they are "disgusting" what a shame that these non alkies do not get to feel the pain that we do and understand what a struggle it is. No wonder so many of us keep it a secret - who wants to be branded that way?


Member:
Location:
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 05:29 PM

Comments

FUCK OFF ALL DUMB DRUNK BITCHES!!!!!! GO DRINK WHORES AND SLUTS!!!!! DRINK< DRINK<DRINK!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!


Member: Kristin H
Location: NOVA
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 06:28 PM

Comments

Perhaps, it is our own sense of conviction that tells us we are alcoholics? The Holy Spirit is a Christian's source of conviction. And He was giving me quite a lashing before I finally gave in. Yesterday was my first day of sobriety. Today, I attended my first ftf AA meeting. This web site gave me courage to do that. I have a sponsor and will attend another meeting with her tomorrow. I saw my health care provider today and received medical orders to not work for the next 2 weeks while I get myself together. Of course, I do NOT have 2 weeks of sick time and will take the time without pay--worth it. Let go and let God...a topic from last week. Not even worrying about how I would make up for the lost income, I received a check from the Federal Government this afternoon. The check was for the increased child tax credit. God is good. I pray for all off you...Tracy, scaredtodeath, Pam, Diane, Carrie, Jeff, Nadine..all of you. Hang in there!!!


Member: Gage
Location:
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 07:49 PM

Comments

Okay, Shy. I just wondered. By the way, why do you think you can't stop drinking?


Member: SHAWN M.
Location: MASS
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 08:47 PM

Comments

hey folks,shawn here (alcoholic)looks like some shitbag found a new use for his cap locks.


Member: Faerie Bella
Location: Earth
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 09:39 PM

Comments

I know that I am an alcoholic because I never know if I am going to stop drink or not once I get started. This is my first posting. I am perplexed that some peole cannot find better things to do other than flame us. Poor man, how sad. :( I have gone back and forth through my life trying to figure out if i was an alcoholic or not. I am a binge drinker and a high functioning alcoholic--which made it more difficult for me to admit the truth to myself. I first got sober in 1989 and I am back, hopefully I will stay--I did what the "big book" suggested, I wasn't convinced so I went out and drank some more. The 12 steps really mess with you when you're you are out there. We can all make it if we want to.


Member:
Location:
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 09:42 PM

Comments

the lenghth of time one drank does matter. so too does when one started. doesn't anyone have any common sense here.


Member: buzzsaw
Location: detroit
Date: August 04, 2003
Time: 09:57 PM

Comments

I am an alcoholic because I think about drinking more than anything else. If it runs the show, I am screwed. I would make sure I had enough in the house so if I ran out I would not have to drive to the store. Then the next day with a terrible hang over and shakes, begin drinking again ... not too much though gotta drive to get more for the rest of the day. OK - fuck it, drink it all and I will walk or get a ride for it. Nevermind I haven't eaten all day, alcohol does not make me hungry. Sometimes I would drink too much, too fast and get sick, that was OK, just throw up and I felt great now, can do alot more drinking. Nevermind the bloodvessels and hives on my face that broke out because of getting sick. If there was an event (party, get together, etc.), I was the only one that would show up with a dozen already in me and a full bottle or case that I was not bringing to share by any means, don't touch my booze I have it precisely rationed for my habit. Sometimes after drinking too much during the day, take a little nap to get a second wind and then get up to pound them down again, not to mention getting up in the middle of the night or top of the morning to get things started all over again. Sounds alcoholic to me .... sounds disgusting to me and I don't want it anymore!


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 12:00 AM

Comments

wow buzzsaw you did have it bad but your sober now right? Yeah Shawn I saw that but at least you know better now right hehe. Well I have had a good day and still sober bought a rotisserie oven so I can cook healthy. Been dropping weight since I stop drinking and loving that part. My Son left food burning on my stove top and he went to bed. Thank God we got home in time to turn it off. I mean it about thanking God cause he watches over me so much and I am so greatful for his help


Member: Kerry C
Location: TX (kerryctx@hotmail.com)
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 12:23 AM

Comments

Hi everyone, I noticed on the other message boards here it is encouraged to just totally ignore those nameless wonders posting whatever. Let them type to themselves and don't even waste the time to respond to them. I think part of their primary purpose is to get attention like a small child, let them cry themselves to sleep ...


Member:
Location:
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 02:22 AM

Comments

this is the message board my husband writes on so i thought i would ask some of you a question i can't seem to answer. does anyone know of a message board for al-anon? I can't find one.


Member: Carrie
Location: Los Angeles
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 03:05 AM

Comments

I have 6 1/2 months sober, have finished my 7th step and the obsession to drink has been removed - I have been to hell and back and everyday it just keeps getting better. Yes I am a newcomer, and a grateful one. I thank God everyday I wake up sober and I work the steps to insure that when I go to bed at night I am still sober. I have been in this program longer than I have been sober, I know what can happen when you stop working for it, forget what it was like and stop being grateful. Life today is full of miracles, if I look for them. The one miracle that is with me everyday is that after trying over the past year 1/2, I finally got this thing and NOTHING is gonna get me to let it go. Hang in there everyone - we don't ever have to be alone again and it DOES get better, and better, and better : )


Member: Ethan T
Location: MA
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 07:25 AM

Comments

Day #23. Happy sober Tuesday to all. ((No name looking for Al Anon board)) There are many 12 step message boards, including Al Anon at: http://www.12stepforums.net/ "Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums offers online Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Al-Anon Family Group, Adult Children Anonymous (ACA), and Childhood Abuse Survivors (CAS) 12 Step meetings and general 12 Step support chat. This is a public forum for people in recovery who use a 12 Step Program, and individuals interested in learning more about the 12 Step recovery programs."


Member: Mike S
Location: Mid-Michigan
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 08:09 AM

Comments

Hi all, Michael, Alcoholic and lunatic here. As preface let me say I have been in program about 3 1/2 years but am just pushing two years sober. First year and one half spent either in denial ( not an alcoholic, merely a moderate problem drinker)or trying to figure out how i could possibly be an alcoholic (still had career, family and no real external issues). Today and hopefully forevermore, these are not issues. Through support of family, back to back treatment centers and the compassionate folks at meetings I attend--I no longer question whether i suffer the malady of the mind, body and spirit--I ACCEPT it. At about 9 mos. it seems that the chemical dependency subsided and now I use the AA program to attempt to deal with my head issues which which some say caused me to drink. Again that word ACCEPTANCE comes back. This is because i am still am full of self-will but working hard to keep it in check. It is a full time job! I still attend 5-6 ftf meetings a week for assistance and reminders that it still kicking ass. G-ds grace to all of you on your journey---it is worth it. When I have urge to drink, I remember that though I may have been luckier than some--I did not crash and burn---I surely was in a nose dive,--I ask myself repeatedly---Are you F---ing crazy. It not matter why I cannot drink--I just cannot.


Member: Ruby
Location: Near north Canada
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 08:18 AM

Comments

After this weekend I know that I am an alcoholic. I keep promising myself that this is it, never again, going to go 100 day sober and then re-evaluate. I never seem to make it past 7 days anymore. I once did it for over 30 days, but I didn't make it to 40. This weekend I was going to have my first sober weekend in over a year. Didn't happen and I am convinced that I was on the brink of alcohol poisioning. I spent all day Sunday in bed sleeping the day on and off. My head has never felt so weird before. No head aches, no shakes, just this very strange rubbery feeling. Yesterday I was a little more productive, but not much, I moved from the bedrooom to the basement and got some laundry done and did make it to my daughter's soccer game. Today I am feeling more like my oldself, but what I went through the previous 48 hours really scared me and has made me wonder how much that drunk damaged my body. I know I am an alcoholic because I am asking myself if I am one or not and I have been looking and reading sites on being an alcoholic. A person who doesn't have a drinking problem doesn't ask the question "Do I have a drinking problem?" People without a drinking problem do not go looking for websites like this and then make postings. My doctor has told me to stop drinking because I have mild hyper-tension. That has not helped to get motivated to quit. This spring I went in for minor surgery. I knew I should give my body a chance by stopping drinking before the surgery. It didn't happen - I think that I managed not to drink for 10 days prior to the surgery, not the two months I had been planning on. I know that I am an alcoholic because I cannot have just one or two drinks, I cannot stop myself at those numbers, as the saying goes: One drink is one too many and a thousand isn't enough. Counting my two days of being in a coma like state of mind when today it over it will be day three for me.


Member: Henry
Location: Bangor ME
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 08:35 AM

Comments

Hi, all. Whether one is an alcoholic, an alcohol abuser, a problem drinker, a heavy drinker, it matters not. Those are all labels and a matter of semantics. What matters is whether or not you have a problem with alcohol (or any other drug). If alcohol (or other drugs) are a daily part of your life and/or are causing you difficulties, then you have a problem that needs to be addressed. If you have a question of whether you are addicted, try going without alcohol (or tobacco, or pills, or cocaine, or whatever drug you also use) for ninety (90) days. That should give you a good idea of whether you have a substance abuse problem. If you can't go without a drink (or a cigarette, pill, snort, etc.) for ninety days, you have a problem that needs to be addressed. Don't worry about labels. Just worry about the solution - getting clean and sober (Remember, it's more than just quitting alcohol - to be clean and sober, one must not be dependent upon tobacco, pills, cocaine, marijuana, or any other drug. They will all eventually ruin your life and kill you just as alcohol will). Best to everyone.


Member: September
Location: FL
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 09:36 AM

Comments

Hi everyone, entering Day#7. Made it farther than last weeks try. Feeling pretty happy today. I have so much more energy today than I have had in awhile. I ate pretty good yesterday for my new diet that I started but didn't get to exercise, it rained like crazy all night. So I got under my blankets and watch an intense movie..Unfaithful..gotta see it if you haven't. So up today and at work, going to my second job tonight. It really feels good to NOT be hung over. The topic this week has really got me wondering what is the cause of this problem. How can there be some people who can drink whenever and never have an issue and others land here on this site looking for help. Is it because of some underlying problems that we drown out with alcohol, is it fear of who we are, is it because we have nderlying issues, or is it just because of our body chemistry. I guess if it was as easy as solving some issues we have bottled up then we would eventually be able to drink again..I know from thepost that thats not true. I guess its just our bodies, we just don't mix with alcohol. Looking at it that way, it is a little more acceptable in a way. There I go trying to rationalize this again. I think its part of my nature as a virgo to rationalize EVERYTHING...:-) Wish everyone a great day today!


Member:
Location:
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 09:57 AM

Comments

part of a virgo's nature to rationalize everything? o.k. NOW i've heard it all! That has got to rank with the all-time dumbest things ever said


Member: Gage
Location:
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 11:26 AM

Comments

There is a woman in my group who has shared her story with us. She didn't touch a drop of booze until she was well into her sixties, when her children were all grown and living away, and her husband was retired. She began drinking a few glasses of wine every evening with her husband. Within a few months, however, the amount increased and very soon, she was drinking round the clock. This only went on for a couple of years before she sought help. She is absolutely convinced that she is an alcoholic. She never got a DWI, never got thrown out of a bar, in fact, she never left her home drinking, but she is convinced. DWI's, bar fights, car wrecks, jails and pysch wards are things that happen to drunks "on the outside". There are an awful lot of us who have experienced those things, but it's not our common bond. What we do have in common is what happened to us "on the inside". Again, read The Doctor's Opinion. If you honestly see yourself in any of that, then you have something in common with me, and I am an alcoholic. It really doesn't matter how long you drank, or how much you drank for that matter. It only matters whether you have a compulsion to drink -- that's when drinking reaches its hopeless proportions, that's the insanity we speak of. If you want to compare war stories, you are going to find that someone will always have one more horrific than your own. If you know there is something wrong with your drinking, and you can't seem to stop, then you have a problem. You decide whether your problem is alcoholism.


Member: Sag
Location: Dover
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 11:54 AM

Comments

Dear September of Florida, please ignore comments like the one following your post. It has no place in this discussion. The fact that the post intentionally left out his/her name and location demonstrates the unworthyness of the post. Just hang in there, my friend. You are doing just fine. God Bless.


Member: Ethan T
Location: MA
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 12:25 PM

Comments

((Gage)) Good post. Thanks. You're so right. I'm getting a lot out of most everyone's posts on this topic. The quantity consumed and duration of his or her abuse may be different then mine, but I see myself in the thought process of everyone here. And to all those who are reading but not posting, as I did for several years: I, for one, would appreciate it if you would also take a couple of minutes to share a little bit about your story. It's pretty painless, may even benefit you (as my sharing helps me) and I believe it will further help those of us still trying to grasp who we are, how we got here, and how we're going to proceed as a sober person in the future (i.e. today). Thanks.


Member: Kramer
Location: Cali
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 12:51 PM

Comments

that's only gage's opinion-not facts--it does mater physiologically, psychologically, and most importantly spiritually the time begun, quantity, duration, etc. are all very important. gage doesn't decide whats important except for gage alone. those things he says are not important are of the utmost importance to me and numerous others. to each his own, but youll be missing the boat if you go around thinking nothin else matters except not drinking. its only a start


Member: Gregory
Location: London
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 01:16 PM

Comments

try tellin someone with wet-brain from drinkin too much that it doesn't matter how much they drank. or try tellin a mad mother whos child died form alcohol poisoning the same thing. try telling the baby who suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome the time doesn't matter. kramer is right, but so is gage. youve got to start doing it sometime. or rather NOT doing it-drinking-so why not start now? plus if your not an alki than whats the big deal to stop anyway? it was spot on whoever stop for a couple months on your own and if you can than your probably not one of us. if you cant come on back, grab a chair, and join in. well be here waitin on yous.peace out.


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 01:42 PM

Comments

I've stopped drinking on my own Gregory but the difference is I know I have a problem with drinking and this site has been my meeting place and has helped me. Today is day 133 that is 4 months and 13 days what a great day today is sober


Member: Ethan T
Location: MA
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 02:05 PM

Comments

((Diane)) - Way to go on 133! I know your life is very challenging, but you're still maintaining sobriety and trusting in God. You really inspire me. ((Kramer))((Gregory)) Thanks for your comments. Although I didn't mean to offend anyone, I don't think I'm missing the boat, either. Guess I wasn't clear. I personally found meaning and relevance in Gage's comments and I didn't mean to imply he spoke profound and indisputable truth applicable to all. FYI - I may be in a somewhat different place in my recovery then some others here. (I know, I know. We all think we're different). The way I see my recovery, I have 2 foundational objectives: sobriety and spiritual growth. I'm coming to understand that many fellow drunks seek to first stop drinking, then with the help of AA, begin to learn to trust God and grow spiritually. In some ways, I've been working on my recovery in the reverse order. I was a heavy drinker for over 30 years - including many years as the happy bartender who never wanted to see a patron drink alone. (Talk about the fox in the chicken coop). Somehow, I managed to avoid many of the consequences I deserved for my alcohol and drug abuse, but I still sensed something was missing. Long story short, I committed myself to the only HP that my research revealed to have concrete historical merit, and therefore the only one that made any sense to me - Jesus Christ - about 6 years ago. I've been learning to trust, obey and serve Him, ever since, while simultaneously hanging on to my Plan B (16 oz Budweisers and some occasional GM). Although He's blessed me in many ways, He's also made it abundantly clear I'm depriving myself of a much closer walk with Him by sometimes relying on the booze instead of him. Facing my reliance on my ex-best friend Bud (a.k.a. alcoholism) by relating to other alkies, rather then holding the false assumption that I'm different, is what my journey is all about. Gage's comments lend themselves to support my alignment with others with the same sick alcohol reliance issues, so I thanked him.


Member: Gage
Location:
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 02:17 PM

Comments

Kramer, it seems to me by your reasoning, then, a person who has a malignant tumor doesn't really have cancer until the tumor has metastasized. And please point out where I say that the only thing that matters is not drinking.


Member: September
Location: Fl
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 02:59 PM

Comments

Hi everyone, ((Sag from Dover)) Thanks for the comment, defintely not bothered by idiots. ((Diane)) your doing great. I really love hearing others making it, it inspires me to keep going, to stay strong. ITs the afternoon of one long day that doesn't seem to end and I have my second job to get to after work. All I want to do is call up some friends and go have a few drinks while we laugh and hang out. I really thought I was doing good this morning but here is that familiar craving. It all starts when a paticular guy that is basically trouble calls me up and wants to get together and thats it, I can't seem to say no, but today I actually can't give in because of the second job that I have to go to..so I have a saftey net sort of. What is infatuation anyway. How can you actually be infatuated with someone. And why is it always someone that is absolutely no good for you. My biggest down falll is becoming so bored that i just give in and tell myself, I won't get out of control, I will just go to the bar and have one and just have a few laughs, get out of the house, but I know that I lost that privledge..so along with alcohol I have to some how cut ties with this guy. How do you get rid of all your old friends anyway, once you change, there still there, persuading you, telling you your being silly, well those that most likely have the same problem as I do, and that is my circle of girlfriends, we all drink way to much, wow how did we ever find each other, so when one tries to change, it just never works, we work against each other. Somehow. My whole life has to change, the placs i love to go, I just can't anymore, can't believe that i surrounded myself that much by alcohol. I guess it was just what I did, I drank and spent time with people who also loved to drink, how else could you hang out with me, it was al ways funny to our little group that the other had no idea how they got home, it was always funny that we were going to work 1 hour after leaving the bar, it was always funny that we woke up and drank some mor ejust to function so we could get to a party on the beach, it was all soooo funny. Well I have to say it was never boring and thats what I am BORED, don't want to go to a meeting and talk about my probl em, i do it all day on this internet site, don't want to go home and watch another movie, don't want to read the bible and pray for help, I want to go out and dance and laugh and drink and have fun and get crazy and let out all the frustrations from the long week, just had to gt all that out, coming back to reality again..thanks for listening


Member:
Location:
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 03:26 PM

Comments

thanks for the info Ethan T. I'm so happy for all of you I hope everyone a safe, happy and sober day good luck and god bless


Member:
Location:
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 03:30 PM

Comments

its confirmed---september is an idiot, might as well go drink too


Member: mike
Location: real meeting
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 04:07 PM

Comments

this site is only good for people to blow of steam.For the new comer go to a aa meeting and judge for yourself.It might work for some but not for me. SO please don't tell me how great this site is I have been here.It makes me sick take what you need leave the rest good bye


Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 06:10 PM

Comments

September, "The show ain't over till the fat lady sings", as they say. Everything you spoke doing as fun I do sober and with sober friends. My schedule is busier now sober than it has been in years. If you miss your drinking buddies just stay sober and they will dissapear quick enough. They don't want a reminder of their drinking problem hanging around. I find my AA friends much more caring and could call them day or night and they would be there for me. I don't know what to tell you except that if you are romancing a drink you need a meeting like now! Your setting yourself up for your next drunk. Gage, Thanks for sharing. I agree that time and duration do not matter. I did not start my daily drinking till 30 and was in the doorway of hell by 40. I read that women seem to progress faster than men and our Livers become diseased much sooner than men. That was my experience. I welcomed an old work friend recently that has started going to meetings. We worked hand and hand for years at work and we both were drinkers but he was a heavier drinker and had been drinking longer than me. We both ended up in the halls when we were both ready to quit. Every alcoholic has a different time frame according to when we have had enough to surrender. Gotta run to Step Study and meet up with my sponsor. It was nice reading you Ethan, I agree that abstinance has to be tempered with spirituality to work. The Steps are changing All aspects of my life for the better. Ruby, Welcome and come back after detox and let us know how your doing. Very brave move on your part! Hi Diane, was thinking of you today and hoping you have a peaceful day at home. Buzzsaw how is the move going? Let us know...kay? Gotta run for reals... Kelly ;) Ooops almost forgot, Welcome, Henry from Bangor. How is it up there neighbor? You made good points but I am not giving up cigs until I have a year. One day at a time>>>>


Member: Nadine
Location: Finger Lakes,NY
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 07:15 PM

Comments

HI YA! Alki/ Druggie, Nadine here. Tomorrow will be 10 months. For me the time has flown by. It's amazing that 10 months ago I decided to let go and let GOD. I never knew how it was going to happen. I kept toasting up to God saying "I'm ready just do it" I don't know how your gonna do it .....so I kept drinking.... I geuss I was finally ready last OCT. My life is different. I must admit something in the coffee pot room desturbed me.Jack T?..who is this guy ...live and let live... peace to all thanks for the support I would not be 10 months sober with out AA..AMEN


Member:
Location:
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 07:29 PM

Comments

kelly-nh- is right with gage--wrong--obviously they are not medical professionals and nobody except an alkie would even state something as ridiculous as to say it doesn't matter when one starts and stops, and quantity drank. stupid, stupid, stupid


Member: Kramer
Location: Boston
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 09:50 PM

Comments

Congratulations, Diane from Oklahoma! Good for you. I am so proud of you and happy for you. As most people familiar with the big book will admit, the steps, meetings, sponsorship, are just ONE method (the AA method) to get clean and sober. There are many paths one may take to get clean and sober and if using the web works for you, fantastic. Just keep putting those days together. Go Sooners, or Go Cowboys! Nite all.


Member: Dale W
Location: W.Y.
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 09:56 PM

Comments

Hi! I'm Dale an alcoholic. The new comer is the most important person here. and I'm gratefull to all of you. I usually don't post on this page, but have been thinkingabout early sobriety. and I remember that I couldn't go a day without drinking let alone a week or month. I congragulate you all for hanging in there and especially your honesty I enjoy reading and listening to newcomers cause they speak from the heart and it touches mine thats why I think you are the most important. as far as my experience on takining what you want and leave the rest. I tried that for 18 yrs, couldn't stay sober that way. So I know what half measures mean. thank you all for allowing me to read your posts. You have no idea how much all of you help me stay sober.


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 10:31 PM

Comments

thanks Kramer and I go by the rules that Ethan goes by, my God first then AA and my God is also Jesus Christ he guides me daily and I've been reading from Chunk Smith a preacher I use to go to his Church in California when I lived there, I found some teaching online on prayer that he wrote of course based all on the Bible and it sure has helped me in my fight for my Son's life and the hold Satan has on him will be removed throught my lords help as it has been removed from me. God Bless... oh yeah go Sonners hehe


Member: Kerry C
Location: TX(kerryctx@hotmail.com)
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 11:30 PM

Comments

September I think you are missing the whole point of meetings, "don't want to go to a meeting and talk about my probl em, i do it all day on this internet site" We don't go to meetings to talk about our problems. We go to meetings to learn about the solution to our problems. As long as we stay focused on our problems we can't find the solutions. We generally discuss our problems with our sponsors or another alcoholic. Until I was willing to quit dwelling on the problem and start working on the solution, there was little hope for me. Congrats on not using but we must take action to get better.


Member: buzzsaw
Location: detroit
Date: August 05, 2003
Time: 11:44 PM

Comments

September - I can relate to the feelings of anxiety about drinking w/ friends and time spent worring about drinking and the boredom it seemed to cure. I thought you were talking about my situation there for a minute, but of course this is an all too common situation as most in AA will tell you. Isolation is our enemy as is drinking and the two go hand in hand. Boredom due to isolation and having nothing else to do (in our minds) equals filling the time with drinking. Then you got the whole idea that everything is boring or shitty if your not drinking, I mean what is the point. I fight with that one EVER day. It has gotten easier not to drink, but no easier not thinking about drinking, but I am willing to give it time. Lord knows I wasted enough time drinking. And that is one of the vicious cycles that I have found that is hauting me now. I am VERY early in sobority, and just letting you know I had feelings almost verbatim and still do. I do attend regularly, almost 5 times a week. If I dont attend a meeting I am on the phone every night. I have to, I cannot afford to drink. If you want I can tell you what has and has not (because some suggestions really did make things worse) for me. My email is buzz_saw21@yahoo.com. And maybe we can help eachother, certainly couldn't hurt hearing that I am in the same shoes, no?


Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 12:20 AM

Comments

To: No name poster or better, (coward). Yes, thats you.... Why is it so important to be right about the length and duration a person drank? My question to you is why would that matter to a newly sober person? Does it make us any more or less an alcoholic? Is there something I don't know about alcoholism? Please point it out to us. All I know is I am an alcoholic in recovery and I drank until I surrendered to alcoholism and sought help. I also sought help in the 90's once and went back out for 6 years more. If I had gotten it the first time around would that have made a difference? Would I have been a smarter or better alkie? I don't get your point. Please enlighten us with your wisdom. I hope my short stint as a drunk makes me less of an alcoholic than someone with 30 or so years on the bottle. Even if it did I would not care because that is not the focus of my recovery. Speaking of that I came on here to share about tonight. At my Step study my sponsor and I finished outlining Step 3. Then we knelt down and held hands and said the Third Step Prayer and she told me to get a 5 subject notebook and spend an hour a day writing names of people I had resentments against. First I need to say the 3rd Step prayer (pg.63), Then say there are 32 lines on a page on each line I write 1. Mother then next line down 2. Father etc. That is all for now just names. When I exhaust that I start back to my earliest memory and work up in age and get any other resentments against anyone I can remember. She said to be diligent and thorough. It will take some time but when I tried to do Step 4 last time I got hung up on the turn arounds. (comes later). I'm excited to get started on Step 4 again. I have a lot of past wreckage to get out on paper. I really want to have the serenity that can be had by doing a thorough 4th and 5th Step. Give my resentment list up to God, make amends to those I have harmed and then keep my side of the street clean and work 10, 11 and 12 on a daily basis. God could and would if he were sought! Night All, Kelly


Member: AZbill
Location: az-bill@mindspring.com
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 12:57 AM

Comments

HI Bill here. Alcoholic from Arizona. I got that way by sitting on too many bar stools and drinking to much booze. There is not other way that I know of to become an alcoholic. I was not born this way. I earned my seat in AA. How do I know if I am alcoholic? If you are working this program out of the Big Book and are in doubt.. In the Doctor's Opinion there are five Types of alcoholics (But all have one thing in common....We cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving) and on page 20 there are 3 levels of drinking mentioned. That should clear things up some. But if you are still confused...later on page 31 tells us to try some controlled drinking and if all that fails... email me LOL Take care and thank you all for being a part of my sobriety today. Love ya Bye.. Bill


Member: Shy
Location:
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 03:50 AM

Comments

Gage Its a Physc. thing I'm still Trying to quite smoking I hadn't had one it 10 years. Sad thing is I picked up this other habit up after I give up smoking , some personal losses help things along. To anyone out their listening know matter how crappy things look personally the drink is not the answer.......Me and the lord knows


Member: Jane C.
Location: Alaska
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 04:40 AM

Comments

Jane C.Yep, still an alcoholic. Today is day 23 and I still can't get to a meeting.If I keep saying it maybe I'll shame myself into getting there.September, for me it wasn't so hard to get away from old friends. First you find who your real friends are when you stop drinking,and most likely they aren't the ones who are drinking too much along with you.I found out,too, that if I keep busy enough there is no time to be bored. So I stay busy all day and most of the night.I can always find something to do, even if it's just going over the check book.By the way does anybody know when we get to stop the chocolate and the ice-cream? I don't remember.but I do remeber the first time I got sober years back that when we went to lunch and dinner that people actually drank ice-tea and coffee with their meals and were enjoying themselves.I remember to later in sobriety how much fun it seemed watching other people drinking too much and they probably thinking that they were having fun too.I saw myself in their behavior and thought "Their but for the Grace of God go I".I've trusted God all my life, but never asked him for help until I finally reached the point of total fear in my drinking.Ethan.I like your idea of having us share some of our stories, it's just hard to know where to begin.I'd have to start with way back when I first got sober.It was April 1980 and I got there when my Doctor told me I needed some female surgery and I shouldn't think about it for too long.I remember going home and crying to my husband about how afraid I was of any kind of surgery and that I had to stop drinking before I dared do anything.I stopped for about a week on my own and that was a miracle in itself.Then went to AA to get what I needed.I stayed sober for 18 years with only about 7 years of a lot of AA.I thanked God for that and it never bothered me to be around drinkers.I just never really felt the need for alcohol.I was blessed with those years..I had my surgery in January 1981 and all went fairly well.More another time. With some of my drinking history, I guess..Jeff, this is the time of year where it stays dark to about 5 in the AM and sundown between 9:30 PM and 10 PM..From the end of May and June and July,sundown can be any where from 11:30PM to midnight, with sunrise at 3 AM..All of this makes it kind of hard for the body to get acclimated..I've been here 2 years and still have a hard time with getting good sleep.I'm told it will get better DUH !I hope we all have another sober day wherever we go and whatever we do.God Bless and read your Bibles..it's all in there.


Member: September
Location: FL
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 08:32 AM

Comments

Hi everyone, madeit to day #8. Wanted to thank Kerry C, Buzzsaw and Jane C for your comments. Tahnks for not telling me what an idiot I am to actually still be thinking about wanting to drink with my friends. I willl defintely e-mail you ((Buzzsaw)) glad to know you are on the same level with me. Can't believe I made it through last night. I had to remeber starting over last week and how low I felt. I thought I was so strong. I know I need to get to meetings, my life is just in chaos, trying to move, working two jobs now, just getting in enough sleep time to make it through the days and when I am not working I am packing, so I guess I am trying to stay strong until I am settled. I do want mto go to meetings, I was sort of just letting of steam wmith my comments yesterday. I know they are more than just talking about your problems. I am looking forward to the possibility of meeting new friends. I am finally not scared like I used to be. So thats a step up. I found an outline of how to work your steps on-line. I thought for Step 1 I just had to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic...that was really hard, but I did it, and it felt good to finally let go, then I come across this outline and what tourture it was and is, and that was just step 1. I think it really put things into perspective for me when I had to talk about nights that I know I blacked out and nights I don't remember gettign home, people that I have hurt, friends that I have lost, all of those things that you sort of put in the back of your mind and try not to think about again...I really think this process is going to be the hardst thing that i have ever done, simply because I am forced to look at myself completley, open all the doors I have locked shut, rember things I wish never happened, and actually really see myself exactly as I am. It is going to take more strength that I realized I needed to heal myself. Just knowing that most of you have made it through these steps has really given me a new respect for everyone here. Thanks again for all the support. My prayers are with each of you.


Member: Kristin H
Location: NOVA
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 08:56 AM

Comments

Hello to all. When things go the way I expect them to, it's easy to cope. When uncontrollable events change my plans, I sometimes don't handle it well. Today is day #4. I planned on attending my third meeting. Now my 8-year old daughter is sick and wants to stay home this morning. (I've been going to meetings this week while my girls are at vacation bible school.) Today will be a bit more of a challenge. (((September)))I've been doing everything to keep busy. I even DUSTED! I've planted a new garden, read 2 books, played the piano, ran, gone for walks, spend time on this site, called friends--none of whom know I am an alcoholic, went to the pool, ANYTHING... If I just think about alcohol, I salivate--gross. (((Everybody))) hang in there! Kristin


Member:
Location:
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 10:47 AM

Comments

when you know and believe without question or doubt That, in all you do, God is there to help out, You hold in your hand the golden key To peace and joy and serientiy ~Helen Steiner Rice


Member: Nadine
Location: Finger Lakes, NY
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 10:49 AM

Comments

Good Morning All!I"m Nadine and I'm an alcoholic. Well, I made it to 10 months! It's a goog day right now and I love my life sober. Thank you HP for AA and thank you fellowship for the support. I love reading all the postings.I'm new to chat rooms. I was told face to face meetings are important but my job has cut me back to 5/week. It's great that on a break I can just jump on line and listen or share.... This program is full of HOPE!!! Have a great day!!! BYE


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 11:10 AM

Comments

Hi Diane here Day 134 I have been looking through all my records and to my surprise I've lost 33 pounds since I stop drinking my stop Date is March 26th 2003 that was 10 days after my Son went to rehab wow how time goes by, I am happy to report he is still working which is a major plus since he has been living with us around 3 years this is the first time he has actually kept a job. Of course probation sure don't hurt being he better keep his job or jail will be next step. Good luck to you ((September)) you are making it now ((September)) you talked the other day of old friends that pulled you down. This is what always pulls my son down so please girl stay clear of those old friends cause all they are is trouble to your sobriety and being sober and drug free should be your most important care then good will follow,,,(the drug free) that is my son not you September,


Member: Melissa
Location: Canada
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 11:23 AM

Comments

Kristin, I remember a summer morning in 1999, very early sobriety, a sick child, seven years old at the time, my plan to go to a meeting couldn't happen, and I remember what helped me - which was a phone call to another alcoholic woman who reminded me that all I REALLY had to do was breathe, and suggested the Serenity Prayer said over and over again. Go gently through your day, you are supported and encouraged and you're out of the darkness now, and in the light. Tons of love, Melissa


Member: Carrie
Location: los angeles
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 11:40 AM

Comments

I was told in the begining that I needed to look in the mirror and say "I love you." Boy, is that hard to do! But I tried it a couple of times, and believe it or not, it helped me to be a little easier on myself. We are so hard on ourselves - be good to yourself in this time of extreme change. Give yourself a hug, treat yourself as you would treat any sick or hurting person. Learning to take care & love myself is an area of major progress in my life so far. When you start doing that, you will find it alot harder to take that first drink and you will also notice those nasty voices in your head are starting to shut the hell up!


Member:
Location:
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 01:35 PM

Comments

kept a job since when Diane, three lousy months--that does NOT qualify as "keeping" a job!


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 02:04 PM

Comments

well blank man or women at least he is working and giving me some peace during the day and I have faith


Member: Nadine
Location: Finger Lakes,NY
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 02:27 PM

Comments

Keep the faith(( Diane))!!!!!! Funny.. I gained 35lbs since I've been sober. Mostly late nite gorgeing,but, I started a wonderful fast called THE MASTER CLEANSER... I started Sun 8/10 and on the 3rd day I feel great! I'm such an addict, all I did was transfer the addiction... the steps are helping! bfn Nadine THE ADDICT!!!!


Member: Kim D
Location: Bridgewater
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 02:34 PM

Comments

Kim here, alcoholic. For some reason, I think the topic of this week's board is funny. How do I know if I'm an alcoholic? Well... let me see... I don't think social drinkers smash their cars into fire hydrants thinking it's a rock, flip their cars on the roof at 3:00 in the morning with a case of empty's in the back seat, wake up with strangers not knowing who they are or how they got in your bed, find food of unknown origin under their beds after a night of drinking, think that having another drink will cure their hangover, think buying booze is more important than paying rent, utility bills or credit cards... Hmmm... Gotsa say for me it was real easy figuring out that one. Then there's the mental component, not just the "sign posts" along the way or "jack pots." It was, eventually, the FEELINGS that got me to my knees anyway: fear, humiliation, self-loathing, bewilderment, anxiety... How about the fact that non-alcoholics don't have to pay attention to their drinking - how much they've had already, how much is left, how long will it last, when they can drink again... The list is long, my friends. I've been through them all and I have to say that today, without a shadow of a doubt, I KNOW I am an alcoholic. To stay in remission, I go to meetings, stay in contact with another recovering alcoholic, have a HP in my life, and work the Steps. Thank you AA and God that I don't have to live like that anymore. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Alan G
Location: Illinois
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 02:53 PM

Comments

Hey All, Alan Here an Alcoholic from Illinois. I can relate to all the post concerning not knowing what to do with your time ( not drinking)and fear of old Friends. Only on Day 3 longest I have ever made it was around 40 days. I have a Concert to go to on Sunday with some friends, who are all big drinkers. I would cancel, but I set it up many months ago. I am already dreading the moment when I show up and decline the first Beer. You folks have no idea the strength that I pull from this site...Thanks To all who take the time to post.


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 03:04 PM

Comments

hi Nadine what I did was go on the fat flush plain when I stop drinking and boy has it helped. You know carbs are the big downfall for most alcoholics cause carbs turn into sugar which is what feed us while drinking.... way to go Alan hey you can enjoy that concert much better sober hehe I know I went to see Paul McCartney in Ok City and had a blast but was of course sober but I never drank at concerts I can't handle drinking in puplic I was always a secret drinker cause drinking made me a little crazy lol


Member: Kimber;y L.
Location: New Jersey
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 04:11 PM

Comments

Hey everbody, its nice to hear all of your reasonings. I think I finally began to realize I was an alcoholic at the age of 19. This was a time when I became depressed for several reasons. I began to drink to get these feelings out of my head, but it soon became dangerous. I then started drinking because it felt good and I definately had more confidence than I have ever had in my entire life. So about that time I would wake up at 8 in the morning, start drinking, and would not stop until I was ready to go to bed. This was a daily routine. I am now 21 and have been sober for almost 2 yrs. It is still hard for me to be around alcohol at times, but I know I definately need to stay away from it for the rest of my life. Thanks for allowing me to share my story. KimL.


Member: Kimber;y L.
Location: New Jersey
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 04:12 PM

Comments

Hey everbody, its nice to hear all of your reasonings. I think I finally began to realize I was an alcoholic at the age of 19. This was a time when I became depressed for several reasons. I began to drink to get these feelings out of my head, but it soon became dangerous. I then started drinking because it felt good and I definately had more confidence than I have ever had in my entire life. So about that time I would wake up at 8 in the morning, start drinking, and would not stop until I was ready to go to bed. This was a daily routine. I am now 21 and have been sober for almost 2 yrs. It is still hard for me to be around alcohol at times, but I know I definately need to stay away from it for the rest of my life. Thanks for allowing me to share my story. KimL.


Member: Jane C.
Location: Alaska
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 07:20 PM

Comments

Jane C. An alcoholic here.I'm grateful that I have been sober for the last 23 days.I spent some time in court today with Mike and there were 3 men there for problems related to their drinking..There is a tee shirt going around here that reads something like this."Juneau Alaska, a Town With a Big Fishing Problem and a LITTLE Drinking One" Of course it's just the opposite. Even Mike was in court for someone elses' drinking problem.We were in the park one night with his dog and one of the very bad local drinkers hit Mike and pushed him all beacause he didn't have a cigarette to give to him..Mikes' dog is a very protective Queens Heeler and he went after the guy and bit into one of his legs.nothing really serious, but it was enough for the so called Animal Squad to want to have the dog put to sleep..Mike said no way, and he did a boo, boo..stashed the dog with me.out of sight.they want to fine him or take the dog..the case keeps getting put off so we're back and forth.Anyway I guess this proves that our drinking causes problems for other folks as well as ourselves.Kimberly, it was quite a while before I could be around alcohol when I first got sober.This is my second time with this program. In one meeting one man said that I was "Denying myself the option to turn down a drink by staying away from it" Then another said that, that statement was untrue..we deny ourselves everytime we past a liquor store, or convenience store, or not going into the liquor part of the supermarket.It's getting easier for me everyday to not run into one of those places, but I still think about the drink.That's part of the disease.The BB says that alcohol is cunning and I know I need to watch for this.I have a long way to go.For now I feel very good about a lot of things and myself included I can't wait to get where you are now.One Day at A Time..God Bless all of us.Have another great sober day.


Member: tom
Location: ny
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 07:56 PM

Comments

Day 54. Sober and thankful. Anyone ever hear of www.rational.org? I haven't visited the site, so I'm not promoting it. Just wondering.


Member: SHAWN M.
Location: MASS
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 09:31 PM

Comments

hey folks, shawn here.(alcky/drunk)yep,i'd have to say i am as much an alchoholic as i care to be.what my drinking has done to me and the people i care about,i would'nt wish on anybody.my track record with relationships and the law are all the proof i need.even though i've been sliping a little i still hit at least 3a/a meetings a week.i can finaly see what the folks in a/a have.i'm not quite sure what it is,but what ever it is i'm coming after it full throttle and i aint letting off till i get it.oh yeah,hi kerry and diane.


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 10:20 PM

Comments

Shawn the fact that your going to meetings says you will make it so good luck. I tried many times before I finally made it. I went sober a while then would slip and I still have to keep on Guard cause this is a disease and I can slip any time but what keeps me sober is my HP and my Son and my Health I really like how good I am feeling and it's not worth the buzz to feel sick the next few days after a slip plus I know if I take any drinks I will be right back on drinking each night so I just don't take that first drink and I thank God each night for helping me but I have to say it is easier now then it use to be


Member:
Location:
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 10:42 PM

Comments

The fact that somebody goes to meetings means NOTHING!!! the only quaurantee that brings is brainwashing! Well, maybe a lay as well, but that's it, and certainly NOT sobriety!! Good Luck is right, he'll need it if he thinks meetings are the answer!


Member: buzzsaw
Location: detroit
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 11:01 PM

Comments

OK. I will address the nameless post. Then what are the meetings for? Yeah, it means nothing, but it is a fellowship of people that want to get sober that are in the same place. That kinda means something ... your not alone, does it not? I doubt it means brainwashing, I can see where that comes from but no one forces you to go and certainly a group of drunks can't work voodoo on you. Although I can see where some certain personalities, low self esteem, depression can lead to a "following" but if that helps them not to drink, is that so bad? Meetings are not the answer the program is. At least that is what I am told. They are certainly part of it. I am try do a least 4 or 5 of the following daily: This was compiled from all the people I have meet in AA so far, minus the bullshit and took what I needed: 1) pray in morning ask HP to keep me (yeah me, of all people) sober. 2) Go to meeting 3) Call sponser 4) Make Gratitude list 5) Read just for today (just started that) 6) Read Big Book (a little bit each day) 7) Service commitment (help out with meetings, have not done yet) 8) Pray in evening for sober day Anyways, I guess why would "Good Luck" get anyone sober and what is the answer? I would love to hear and I would try it as well. I am really struggling and I wish you would offer your alternative if you had one instead of discouragement.


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 11:16 PM

Comments

yeah buzz this person is a very negative unhappy person he must be shy or something cause he can not or she can not seem to type a name which is silly since you can not tell who we are unless we tell it. I think I'll check the ip address of this nameless person and match them up


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 11:19 PM

Comments

nope can't figure out any ip address haha oh well


Member: butterfly
Location: NY
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 11:42 PM

Comments

How do I know if I'm an alkie - this is my first posting. I've read through these posting for several weeks. How do I know if I have a problem? I see myself in each posting - the angry, the sincere, the denying, the faithful - it's not the quantity or frequency - you are all my reflection and I don't like what I see. That is how I recogonize myself. I see my own hate, denial, lies and self- grandious behavior. I read your postings and feel disgust - only because I see myself. Thank you for your honesty and abilty to self-disclose. You push me to see my own ugliness. In the end, it's my own face that I have to deal with.


Member: Ruby
Location: Near north Canada
Date: August 06, 2003
Time: 11:51 PM

Comments

Diane, I would love to know how you managed to stay on the Flush the Fat Plan. I lasted three days on it and couldn't take the limited unflavour food. It wasn't the booze that was my down fall let me tell you it was what I couldn't eat. Congradulations on your sobriety. Day 4 here and I am still feeling the effects from the last drunk.


Member: so let's see how open minded you all are after reading this.
Location: miracle land.
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 12:44 AM

Comments

Hello all. Well, i used to be an alcholic and that's for sure. I learned after i got to aa, that it wasn't really the drinking once you stopped drinking, apparently it was the buisness of living that a person had to get into the know how to do of. Well i stayed sober for a long time, and then started to become suspicious, after long term sobriety , that alcohol was not the problem, not anymore, i am now the type of person who doesn't like too much of anything never mind alcohol. The disease of more has all but escaped me, (thank god) i smoke, but not usually more than one or two a day, and can go days without one no problem. i drink now, but don't like anything beyond two, i just don't like the feeling alcohol produces after two drinks, i stop, because it grosses me out. I don't like to eat too much for the same reason, i feel gross, so i guess you could say, im an example of the most controversial kind,, as i was an alcoholic, but not anymore,(enter lyrics to once was lost.. )) ((further, when ever things get hard for me, the last thing i want to do is drink, and i find when the hard times come; the thought of drinking, doesn't even cross my mind. What i do is focus on what or how to solve the problem, and i pray about it, and use the program, yada yada. If i had a drink today and i was also dishonest today, then i must correct the dishonest behaviour,,, not run to aa full of fear and blame the situation on the one or two drinks i may have had. So go figure, i guess i knew for a long time in aa, that i would beat this thing, and i did. Many fearful people would not believe im telling the truth, but i understand the fear, i had lots of it when i too could not stop after one etc etc. i agree with whoever said there is alot of brain washing in aa. i used to brainwash others when i didn't know any better.. but hey; its better for you spiritual kindergarteners to be brainwashed than to be drunk or dead no? A miracle can happen, but it takes alot of very hard work, and time, there are no quick fixes. I lived and breathed aa for years, i got help in other areas, and went to countless meetings, Alanon,groups of all sorts. i was at times sicker in the program than when i was drunk for god sakes, and i suffered sillier crap in relationships sober and in aa at times, but i never gave up, (by the grace of my higher power as i understand it)


Member: A Skeptic
Location: Land of Doubt
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 01:53 AM

Comments

To the above post. I am feeling the same way. I thought I was an alcoholic but when I quit drinking I started binging on food. Then I tried to stop that and I replaced it with drinking a 6 pack of Diet Coke a day. So I started asking myself, "maybe I don't have an alcohol problem but actually a general excessive problem." Like maybe I just don't know how to stop and limit myself. Now reading your post, I am really wondering.


Member:
Location:
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 06:29 AM

Comments

excellent from miracle land, excellent---SPOT ON!!!


Member:
Location:
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 09:19 AM

Comments

what do i no life sucks then we die thats all i know


Member: Nadine
Location: Finger Lakes, NY
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 09:31 AM

Comments

GooooooD Morning!!!! At this point in my sobriety I need the support of other people who want to live life sober, in hopes of my being able to socialize with people that aren't accessive. All I know is if I like something I want more of it , no matter what it is. Too much of anything will eventually cancle out the good and sway toward the damaging. MODERATION!!! Lord please help me with enjoying moderation. This program has kept me on track for the longest period of time in my whole life. I have met someone who has been sober 15yrs stopped going to meetings because they were tired of the self-pittified people. they also bar tend and it seems to be working for them.They consider it a great test and it keeps them strong...like working out. They also socialize with positive sober people. Which brings me to the point>>>LIVE AND LET LIVE<<< I feel better today than I did working in the entertainment industry where "ANYTHING GOES". And for this day I'll keep on this path that I'm trodding. Peace to all!!!


Member:
Location:
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 09:32 AM

Comments

You don't KNOW how to spell KNOW.


Member:
Location:
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 10:07 AM

Comments

know i guess not


Member:
Location:
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 10:16 AM

Comments

i no and know you can go fuck yourself pal


Member:
Location:
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 10:21 AM

Comments

thats funny honey


Member:
Location:
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 10:24 AM

Comments

the story of my life thanks


Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 11:08 AM

Comments

Hi CarlC, You are so obvious when you post. You use the same statements over and over, ie. (Pal). I don't think the newcomers here need to read your BS, I know I don't. I guess I just find you a pathetic little man that has lost his way. It must be hard to drink again after being sober for a while but blaming the AA program for your relapse is very ungrateful. What about all the sober years you had by using it? The program works if you work it and it sucks if you don't. I don't want what you have or say you have, so go sell your wares elsewhere like RR or somewhere that they would be appreciated. Why would you want to hang out here and post if your not an alcoholic anymore??? That is an oxymoron by the way! Life must be be pretty good to have to come here and trash AA under a blank name. Resentments will kill you man, take care. BTW. Today is a beautiful day out here. I started my resentment list and I guess Carlc will have to go on it! ... Lol. I am up to 35 names. I had to stop because I started feeling things that hurt. Tonight I will say my 3rd Step prayer and see if I can write more names. This is not going to be easy or fun. TODAY, GODDAMN IT, TODAY, I am going to a meeting and reach out to another drunk and get outside myself for a while. Then I have to see some more Apts. and I know the right one will come along. How strange is this??? >>> The Apt. I liked the best but did not get I just found out used to be rented by a man from town now in jail for murdering 2 local women. Was God looking out for me or what?! What if I signed the lease and moved in and found this out later. It makes the hair on my arms stand up just to type this. I could never have stayed there knowing that man lived there, I'd never have a moments peace. My post yesterday was lost when I got booted and I did not have time to re-type it but wanted to say to September that I liked your post. I totally understand the cravings and missing the old lifestyle. This time around no but my first time in AA I thought of drinking every day. God has relieved my mental obsession. Keep up the good work! Butterfly, very profound and so right on! Hi, to everyone else, Tom, Buzzsaw, Nadine, Diane, AZBill, Kristin, Melissa, Carrie, Shawn, Kimberly, Kim D, Alan, Ruby and Shy. Lets not drink just for today cause were all worth it. Kelly :)


Member: September
Location: FL
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 01:00 PM

Comments

Hi everyone, made it to Day #9. Glad to see we are all still doing good except for no name. I really for sad for whoever you are, obviously you haven't been able to accomplish your sobriety and are pissed at the world. Maybe you should try to give it one more try. You must want to why else are you connected to this site reading all of our posts? Well I have done well today on another day dieting and I actually went exercising last night. Can't believe all the extra energy I have these past few days. Really feeling good. Gotta get to my second job tonight. I have been training to be a server and tonight I am on the floor by myself without a trainer. I'm a little nervous but think I have it down. Yes its my first job waitressing, I think I am the only person in the world who has never done it before. My move in date for the apartment has been delayed to next week and I am really getting ancy (is that how you spell it)? Picked up shifts at my second job to get me through the weekend, I REALLY want to make it to 14 days, 2 weeks of sobriety. So I know having to work will keep my wacko friends from talking me into going out. Hi to all the newcomers and good luck to everyone making it through another day!


Member: Joe P
Location: Chicago
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 03:04 PM

Comments

My name is Joe, and I am an alcoholic. I know that today because when I came around AA, I heard others tell their stories and I could relate how what happened to them had happened to me. And what happened was that I could not stop drinking by myself. I could not even maintain a desire to not drink for more than 24 hours. To the person in miracle land: Thank you for sharing. In my personal opinion, what you describe as now having control over alcohol after having lost control previously is an exception. For every story like yours that I have heard, I have heard hundreds more of people who truly thought they could return to non-alcoholic drinking and found that they could not. For me, the choice is simple. Am I willing to risk my life and every gift Iíve received in sobriety in order to find out if I am one exception out of hundreds? Nope. Iíll stick with abstinence and AA. You realize, of course, that since you no longer have a desire to stop drinking, the only requirement for AA membership, that you are not an AA member and that your share at this AA meeting is inappropriate? I have to wonder why you even came to this web site if you have no problem with alcohol now. I wouldnít be around AA if I had no problem with drinking. BTW, I continue in AA because the truth is that in the rare occasions that I do think of drinking, my thinking is not normal. I donít have a desire to have one or two drinks Ė I have a desire to drink until I am drunk. Iím grateful to God and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that my desire to not drink is much greater than my desire to drink today.


Member: Cec H
Location: Stampede City
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 04:23 PM

Comments

I am an alcoholic, because after taking a drink, I can not guarantee my actions for the rest of the night. To wit, If I have a drink all bets are off as to what I will do next.


Member: Jane C.
Location: Alaska
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 04:47 PM

Comments

Jane C. Alcoholic here...Day 28..I think.I've kind of been forgetting to count the days.I wish no names and others like that would just stop bashing AA.I know it works as many others do.These posts are my AA program for now until I get to a ftf meeting.They are so great to read and these people are so willing to bare their souls and share all their bad news along with the good. (September).I too, have never been a waitress...the closest I came to that was being a cocktail waitress 2 nights a week to give a friend a break..it lastest for 3 monthes and I think I probably drank as much as the other people there, cusotomers and help..EVERYBODY drank.I know that I'll always be an alcoholic.all I need to do is remind myself of the times I drove in a blackout and didn't learn a thing from it.First, I don't think normal drinkers have blackouts, and I don't think they are full of total fear when they pick up the first drink..or start to shake even before the drink reached their mouths..I never had any kind of bad withdrawals, just enough to know that I get short of breath and have shaky hands for a few days. I'm finding out that now I have tons of energy to work with.. not too long ago I needed at least 2 glasses of wine to geer up and then I wanted more to keep going. I hope that God will keep us sober today, even the people that may have problem with either God or Jesus.. I've never really felt too far away from Him.even in the worst days.I always knew it was my not doing his will that was bringing me down.Let's all have another great sober day and post again tomorrow.(September) good luck with your waitressing..Those women work very hard for their pay. I also spent 8 montha working in a Greek Restaurant as a hostess and I saw how difficult their job was.I wouldn't even be able to carry the food trays..


Member: Debbie H.
Location:
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 06:28 PM

Comments

Hi everyone. I am Debbie (new here). I was referred by my new friend Maria. I am on day four which is the longest I have gone for a while. I have pretty much known I am an alcoholic since my first drink. I have tried to stop time and time again. But I can't do it on my own. I finally tracked down some local meetings and plan on going to my first face to face meeting next Wednesday. I am a single mom, so it will be hard for me, but I will make the ones I can (I hope). I don't have any real horror stories, but alcohol related problems have been eating away at my life and self worth since forever. I am going on 45 years old and I have just had enough. I am thankful there are places to come to when I can't get to a meeting. Hope to talk with you all again soon.


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 06:52 PM

Comments

hi Diane here day 135 been busy running around today, now as for the fat flush plan if you make the broth from the recipe book the food is very tasty but I do cheat and have 3 cheese dressing and I drink a whey shake and add coconut milk and stevia plus and it taste great so I don't follow the plan perfect and I am very happy and content with what I eat, I read coconut milk is very good for you so that is added for my health also ruby the cranberry water I add stevia plus to sweeten it and drink it all day long as my treat


Member: Maura
Location: north florida
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 09:13 PM

Comments

Hi, Debbie, this is "Maria" but my real name is Maura. Paranoia about online anonymity. I'm glad you came here. Like I told you, it is a mixed bag. Everyone/ mariab is really Maura. I have to trust you guys. Trust is not easy for us, is it? Take care


Member: Debbie H.
Location:
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 10:18 PM

Comments

I'm sorry Maura. I thought someone just typed it wrong! I didn't mean to "out" you :) Anyway, I am glad, too. I am off to sleep. Hope to talk with you all tomorrow. Nite! Debbie


Member: SHAWN M.
Location: MASS
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 10:28 PM

Comments

hey folks,whats happening? shawn here (alchohloic)i just want say that i feel bad for anyone who has ever asked any of these (no namers) to be thier sponser.thats if anyone could ever see them humble enough to approach.i will now try to stop letting these jerks (this jerk) bother me.


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 07, 2003
Time: 11:00 PM

Comments

Welcome Debbie H and way to go on day 4. Hey Shawn how are you doing today? You stop drinking yet? just don't take that first drink you can do it, and just use your scroll button and scroll on by the nuts lol (laugh out loud) that is just in case someone on here don't know what lol means hehe


Member: Jane C.
Location: Alaska
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 02:37 AM

Comments

Jane C. here.an alcoholic.(Diane) Thanks for the lol (Laugh Out Loud) I didn't know what it meant.I thought it had something to do with being on line.and I really felt stupid to ask.(False Pride).I checked my calender and I counted my days wrong..my number of days sober is 25 not 28 (Getting a little ahead of myself)..The first 3 or 4 were the hardest for me.I had to really be strong not to pull into one of the liquor stores in town.there are 3 in the busy part of town and 4 on my way to every where else..for now I go downtown only when necessary and I don't even notice the other stores anymore..I wonder what they all think about my not bouncing in and out anymore..I hit everyone of them on different days.I never bought more than a small bottle of wine ands somtimes only a premixed martini and sometimes both.. When I finally get myself to a face to face meeting, I'll bet I wil really be surprised at who I may run into.May God give us all another sober and great day tomorrow. God be with us all. and I'm sure they all knew I had a problem..but do I care? NOT!!!! I'll bet when I finally get to a ftf meeting, I'll be surprised at who I may run into...


Member:
Location:
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 02:44 AM

Comments

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two 1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. > > > > > > > > > 2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry. > > > > > > > > > 3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. > > > > > > > > > 4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. > > > > > > > > > 5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them. > > > > > > > > > 6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. > > > > > > > > > > > > 7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. > > > > > > > > > 8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you. > > > > > > > > > 9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how > >to be grateful. > > > > > > > > > 10.. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. > > > > > > > > > 11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time round. > > > > > > > > > 12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you. > > > > > > > > > > > > 13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to. > > > > > > > > >


Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 04:30 AM

Comments

Hi all, I wish you all a good day. I walked through the fellowship doors April the 3rd this year, said I was an alcoholic but couldnt admit it from the heart, three weeks in to me being dry the mental torture drove me to lift that first drink, thankfully I got back to the fellowship two days later.It was then that I could admit from my heart that I WAS an alcoholic as thought to myself , no social drinkers go through this mental torture , they can take it or leave it, acceptance is a very important word to me and I have truly accepted I am an alcoholic and now I am learning so much from my meetings, how to live a day at a time without a drink as I dont know this.I feel like a baby starting life all over again and so thankfull for that, Its day 94 for me today and life gets better day by day, wish you all a good day Lyn :))


Member: Tracy
Location: Essex, England
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 08:37 AM

Comments

Hi LYN~ Its great to have another UKer on board. Keep coming back! To who ever posted the no name post with the 13 sentences, Thanks its lovely. tracy.v@ntlworld.com


Member: James-Florida
Location: Luxembourg-Europe
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 09:06 AM

Comments

Just finishing up a near disaster - on Tuesday night; I decided to rent a DVD and drink a liter of Rum. Wednesday morning; I woke-up in the Luxembourg jail. Apparently; I left the apartment with no clothes on, I think I hired a prostitute but can't remember. Then in a drunken panic? the police kindly dropped me off at my apartment - I said what th hell and drove to a neighboring town in Belgium - there I dove in massive amounts of cocaine - free base - some weed etc: then out of money drove back to Luxembourg - took out more money from my ATM - hired more hookers and demanded more coke; then was only given a joint got a couple hundred bucks hustled from me and woke-up in a hotel room all alone: Finally drove bq-ack to my apartment - gobbled every bottle in the house - champagne expensive wine, shit viaigre wine, of course I could'nt sleep so I too a couple of Actifeds - woke-up in complete panic and my girlfriend (worried and on vacaction) had a doctor do a house visit - I'm temporarily on tranquilizers until I leave tonight to meet her. I ADMIT I SURRENDER I AM A REAL ALCOHOLIC - the only problem is I'm in Luxembourg and I miss the big support in Florida. Sorry for the drunkalogue; I had over 2 years sober a while back - should know better - still I'm one day sober. Thanks for listening;


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 09:55 AM

Comments

cool (Jane) I never knew what F2F meant (face to face meetings) glad I can clear it up for you. Today is day 136 sober, thanks for the share (James from Florida) Boy you have had a real ride maybe this time you can stay sober, good luck with your sobriety and being drug free, I can see you need to stay away from the booze and the drugs. Wow that blew me away when I read all that you went through, God bless and may we all have another sober day


Member: September
Location: FL
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 09:58 AM

Comments

Hi everybody, on Day #10 can't believe I am this far. I only have a four more days to go and then I will be at my two weeks. Getting excited. So at the weekend again. Need some suppot. Thanks ((Jane C)) for your comments! So happy to hear it you made it to 25 days. ((Diane)) your still doing great girl, keep going, don't give up, you both are really keeping me inspired. ((Buzzsaw)) I know that I haven't e-mailed you yet, I ha ve been sooooo busy but I need you this weekend, hope you are around. Good luck to everyone else also. Yesterday was such insanity for me, I live in south florida and when i left work I saw a tornado come out of the sky and touch the ground, pick up trees, all sorts of things twisting around in it. I couldn't believe what was happeneing and then as I tried to get on the interstate there was large pieces of metal thrown all over, an 18 wheeler on its side, people out of thier cars running around, trees twisted and ripped out of the ground. I have never seen anything like that before. It was so scary, it took me about an hour and a half to get home, a trip that usually takes 20 min. It is so amazing what damage was done, looking at the News Paper, there were roofs ripped off buildings, trailer parks torn up, its crazy around here. We never get storms like this, everyone is so freaked out today. Well I hope the excitment lasts me through the weekend so I don't crave another night with my crazy night with the girls.


Member: Philip
Location: VA
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 10:47 AM

Comments

Kim D, Thanks for your support last week. Your words stayed with me all week. I'm on day 8 again. Thanks to all for this dialogue...It's encouraging to know that I'm not in this alone. Philip


Member: Connie S.
Location: Nashville, TN
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 11:08 AM

Comments

Hi Ya'll I'm Connie and no doubt about it, I am a real alcoholic. I was introduced to AA in 1994 and would like to be able to say that I have been clean and sober since, but that's not the truth. The truth is it took 9 more years of hard drinking and using for me to accept that yes, I am an alcoholic and my life had become unmanageable. My life is still unmanageable by me, I prefer to Let God run my life today. Since I have let Him be in charge, my life is alot better. It ain't all wonderful and fuzzy, but it's alot better that what it would be if I was living in the problem instead of the solution. I believe it took all the consequences of my actions to get me here. If you think you might be an alcoholic, like me ask youself some questions like, when I go to jail,is alcohol or drugs always involved? Do I lie to my employer and have 137 teeth extracted in a year, did a mouse carry off my partial plate, do I wreck 7 cars in as many years and have two of them are sitting in my driveway at one time, and if the answer is yes, you just might be. I had to concede to my innermost self that I am and that I was not living life the way my Creator intended. I have found a solution, there is hope, help and love in the fellowship and am very grateful today that I don't have to drink, hurt or be alone anymore. Not by anything I have done only by God's grace. If I can one day at a time come to believe, anyone can. I love all of you.


Member: Kim D.
Location: Bridgewater
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 11:10 AM

Comments

((Phillip)) Good going on 8 days - ODAAT! You don't ever have to drink again, and you don't have to do this alone. :-) Reach out and let AA help you - you won't ever regret that decision... I promise. ((James)) Thanks for your honesty and sharing the horror of active alcoholism... we need to remember. Perhaps you can use this pain as a bottom - a moment of surrender - are you there yet?


Member: James-Florida
Location: Luxembourg
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 11:13 AM

Comments

James, Alcoholic - In about one hour, I go off to vacation for 1 week - I'm on DAY 2 - unfortunately there are no meetings we're I'll be somewhere in Southeast France - I miss all the meetings everywhere in the US - still it only takes to 2 to make a meeting - I'll keep looking. Thank everyone for your shares. Does anyone have any advice on staying sober when meetings aren't available? Peace


Member: Conni S.
Location: Nashville, TN
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 11:26 AM

Comments

James, yep, pray and eat regular meals, food always interfered with the effects for me so if I eat, what's the point of drinking, I can't get drunk really fast which is my way of drinking. Check with AA headquarters in the states and to see if there are meetings, there just may be and have some planned activities that do not involve alcohol. I will pray for you. If you're going with someone else, tell them that you would prefer not to drink and enlist their encouragement. If you drink like me, and they know you, they will be delighted to help.


Member:
Location:
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 12:17 PM

Comments

shit 15 years back to day 1


Member: monica h
Location: california
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 12:28 PM

Comments

hi, I've been reading this for the first time. I have been a member of alanon for awhile because of my adult son but the other night I realized thsat I am an alcoholic. I have been obsessed with that thought for years only because I have been obsessed with drinking for years. Now I am in my 50s and drink in controlled environment - cocktails with my husband (I am always done before he and getting up to pour myself another one - about 4 shots (never measured) in a glass. Anyway, I guess I don't need anymore convincing -you sort of know it when you know it - I have the obession and the compulsion. So I am wondering how I'm gonna quit. I've got the 1st step - I definetely am powerless and my life has become unmaneagable. I guess that's better than last week when ididn't admitted that I was an alcoholic out loud. N But I am going to a function tonight and I want to drink. I am sick and tired of me though and sick and tired of feeling hungover, foggy and sad. Reading the shares has helped me alot. I'm glad there is a place to go. i want to quit desperately and I identified with so much of what was said. Thanks


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 12:37 PM

Comments

Monica H good luck girl you can do it I had to figure out when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired that to stop drinking is the only answer, I also have a Son whom I worry about and the weekend is here so he may take off and then I never know except by how hateful he acts when he gets back but I have faith and I prayed for God to heal him like he healed me of the booze addiction and I'm standing on the promise of healing


Member: Tracy
Location: Essex, England
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 12:42 PM

Comments

MONICA~ Stay safe and keep away from wet places is the only advice I can give your. Of course you want to drink but the side effects of that is WE get drunk! Would you be thinking of attending a firework display tonight if you had spilt petrol over you clothes? No ! just my view though. my prayers are with you ~~+~~


Member: Jane C.
Location: Alaaka
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 01:10 PM

Comments

Jane C..Ohhhhhhhh to the no name just above this post..15 years and back to day 1..I can feel your pain I'm on day 26 after 18 years,but there is some consolation..We had all those years of sobriety and finally found our way back..I try to think about it this way, where would I be now if I didn't have those years.for myself, I think I would have gone insane first, then downhill from there.I had to be out there drinking again to really see that this disease really does progress even though we aren't drinking..The saving grace for me is the fact that it progressed so fast that I wasn't out there drinking again for long before I saw the light and could see that I needed soooooo much help..We all know that we can't get well alone.. First we need God, our salvation and then we need all these people who are so much like us and who are so willing to share their pain and all the suffering they went through to get here..I'd like to think that our unfortunate experience of getting off track will be able to help someone see how serious this disease is..When I picked up the drink the second taime..it took a while before it became a problem again.it was only a glass of wine here or there.. a glass of champagne at a wedding.. (These affairs I had to go to after my husband died and I felt I had lost everything anyway).There is no excuse for my drinking again..I got through a lot of pain while sober without thinking of a drink, but it just seemed to finally get to be a little too much going on at one time in my life to do the one thing I had to do..which was.To turn to God and AA for some suoport and to take care of myself.(I've never been very good at that).I usually wait until I can't put up with whatever is going on to be able to put my foot down. Now, I'm much better at it.I take the time I need for myself to do whatever I may need to do. Keep coming back to this site it it's your first time with AA or for whatever reason you have for not wanting to drink..there is a lot of support here for me and for all of us..and I really have to take it one day at a time.try not to look too far ahead it can be discouraging.I know for me it is.God Bless us all with another sober day.


Member: sam
Location:
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 01:20 PM

Comments

I need help I thinking all messed up I just don't think right my life isn't that bad but I just don't think right a lot of my good friends dieing and not from drinking heart attacks cancer and I just say to myself is all this worth it I know I can't drink but my brain just doesn't think right I don't care anymore I'm going to nut doctor aa meetings can't fixs everything that was me 15 years sober back to day 1 I new what to do I just didn't do it dummy


Member: Sally
Location: USA
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 02:28 PM

Comments

There are so many of you that I related to on here and am so very thankful to you for sharing your stories. James -every day is a new day - you went through a lot - now start over. Deb - I am like you - realizing I have had enough and I am 43 yrs old. Jane - what happened with the dog, who was only protecting it's owner. I came on here feeling sorry for myself once again I realize I am not alone. I have been off and on again trying to get sober. Been to AA, painfully shy and I cannot "share" in a roon full of strangers. I'm better in small groups or online. But I wish you all well, One day at a time or one minute..whatever works. to Tom who asked about Rational Recovery - try it, I believe there are many answers to our problems. Each of us is different. I bought the book and underlined many things I related to. I also have the AA Big Book and I still slipped. I believe the true desire comes from within. I only quit smoking when I was truly ready b/f that I just said I was ready. Same thing with losing weight or drinking - you have REALLY want to and then nothing is impossible. But when you are ready - knowing you are not alone is the best thing.


Member: Kerry C
Location: TX(kerryctx@hotmail.com)
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 03:41 PM

Comments

Kerry here an alcoholic. Well another weekend is upon us. Congrats to all who are sober this 24 hours. A thought from Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism, for the weekend; "Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."


Member: Fred again
Location: The land of Miracles
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 04:12 PM

Comments

is there a site for alcoholics who are not alcoholics anymore? i have a good life, and i don't have a problem with alcohol now. although i used to be an alcoholic and counldn't drink responsibly or socially, but for years now, i have never been drunk, never drove, not messed up my life. i have more than i could have ever imaginged. i would like to know if there are any others out there like me. is there any others out there like me? is there a place where i can go and enjoy some comraderie with people who are spiritually strong and happy? i guess it is inappropriate for me to post here, as i no longer meet the criterium for belonging. i need to have a desire to not drink, and because i have no more drinking problem, it has been pointed out to me that i don't belong here. any ideas would be greatly appreciated.


Member: Debbie H.
Location:
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 05:45 PM

Comments

Night Six for me and the toughest so far. But! I managed to go out and get a movie and McDonalds for my kids and not come home with a bottle of wine! I plan on staying online and talking to as many people as possible to get me through this weekend. Thanks everyone!


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 08:11 PM

Comments

hi Fred again hey your welcome to be on this site but if your looking for just clean chat go to http://www.paltalk.com it is free and has many areas to chose from for chat I like the Computer area cause I love to learn


Member: Kristin H
Location: NOVA
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 10:24 PM

Comments

(((Debbie))) Night 6 for me, too! You have kids? Me too, 2 little girls. How is it that we can love our children so much, but their behavior can really push us toward the bottle sometimes? Hang in there. I'll be on the site this week-end, too! (((September))) WOW! Been in a few tornadoes myself. Seeing one really gives the words awesome and power new meaning, eh? I guess if a tornado can do that, then imagine what our HP can do. (((James))) Don't give up! I agree with Connie--PRAY!! and keep food in your tummy. Check this site as often as you can, too. I'm only a rookie on day #6, but this site has saved me. (((Diane)))Thinking and praying for you and your son. (((ALL))) My first suspicion that I might have a drinking problem was when I stopped looking forward to seeing my drinking buddy, but instead looked forward to the booze. Took another 2 1/2 years to admit it though. Support and sincere prayers for sobriety and growth for all!! Kristin


Member: Johnson
Location: Colorado
Date: August 08, 2003
Time: 10:58 PM

Comments

Fred, say what you want and send 'em to me if they got anything to say!! God Bless you man!


Member: Carlc
Location: nm
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 02:13 AM

Comments

To Kelly M in NH, what in Gods green earth are you babbling about? #1, I always sign my name, I dont apoligize for my beliefs and I dont hide. I havent left AA and I have not gone back to drinking and I dont answer to you or anyone else. I love the (program)of AA, the fellowship is another thing, dances, barbecues, fishing trips and such are nice but they wont get you a spiritual experience that is needed to conquer alcohol. I dislike sponsors for they are self appointed gods who do more damage than good, I dislike people who lie, use, abuse, con, and general mistreat alcoholics under the guise of helping others. As far as the insults go I dont take anyone elses opinion of me over my own opinion of myself, after all I know myself best. I wont say anything to anyone that I wont repeat.


Member: Jane C,
Location: Alaska
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 02:29 AM

Comments

Jane C.alcoholic still.Week-ends never were a special time in my life for drinking.almost every day was the same.there are 3 dpgs with us now and they really keep me busy. Every day, and we are really home bodies and don't have spepcial days to socialize.For us it's as things come up, and I try to stay away from situations that I know will have a lot of drinking.. (Sally) the dog that has us in and out of court is with us until things get settled. The assigned public defender said that she is working on having the case dismissed..it takes time. And if anyone ever told me that I would be taking care of 3 dogs at one time, I would have said "No Way" I've never had more than one at a time, but they are a blessing for me right now.just keeping up with the work here to keep the house in order and taking them in and out fills a lot of my day.I'm a neat freak !! My drinking gave me lots of energy getting things done.I never thought I'd reach the point where I could do it without a glass in my hand...I have a hard time in meetings too, so for now these posts are my meetings. Sharing is hard because I'm so anxious in social situations, but I've been there before and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get my mind and body there soon..I know where they are,but I just can't get through the door..I pray that God will Bless us all with a sober week end.


Member: Carlc
Location: nm
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 02:42 AM

Comments

The only way to find out if you are an alcoholic is to drink, and if you find that you cannot stop once you take that first drink you might be alcoholic. I see people running around with their phone numbers telling people to call them to call if they feel like drinking, that is about as stupid as you can get, when I felt like drinking the only person I wanted to talk to was a bartender or a package store clerk why would I call AA or anyone in it? They dont sell booze. We suffer from an illnes only a spiritual experience can conquer assuming of course you have had enough. If you dont know if you are alcoholic go get something to drink and then try to stop, try this more than once.


Member:
Location:
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 05:45 AM

Comments

Good Morning All It is a beautiful day here in Scotland, the sun is shining , not just outside but inside my heart too. Today I am a very grateful alcoholic, thanks to all of you for your shares , I have taken strength and hope from them all. Thankyou for the welcome Kelly :)) My sponser is jumping out of a plane today for charity so I will be off out shortly for a day out, this is all so new to me as my latter days of drinking were done behind closed doors alone.My outside activity was nil and relied on my elderly mother to get my groceries etc, its not like that today and I am so gratefull to AA and my HP. My mother is coming with us today , and her words to me today are I lost my daughter to a vodka bottle but now through AA she has her daughter back :)) I have lifted the 12 step programe , am just about to go into step 3, I have fears of it, strange really but know my sponser, this board and my HP will guide me through it. I remind myself today of the word acceptance, I have the abilty to accept that no matter what I went through in my life, it is okay , I can heal from it with the help of my HP and the AA fellowship, I find myself very fortunate that I get to daily meetings, I find a genuine need to be around sober company, I keep my ears open these days, something I couldnt do for many weeks and learn :)) Love to you all and thanks for being there for me


Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 05:47 AM

Comments

The above post is from Lyn , forgot to add it , sorry :))


Member: Kathy K.
Location: Northeast
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 05:57 AM

Comments

JAMES - Florida How to stay sober when no meetings available? [ Keep posting here - look in local phone book for AA - if staying in hotel - post a note near a public phone saying "Friend of Bill's " with your phone number or ask to leave note at front desk with theirs. Call local church requesting information re another alcoholic - pray - read your Big Book - write out a gratitude list - Think the drink through - Hope you enjoy your vacation.


Member: AA
Location: ALWAYS AN ASSKISSER
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 09:09 AM

Comments

No wait,not Friend of Bill's but Follow of Bills.Make no mistake we are cult members here and we love new members to Kiss our butts.


Member: cb
Location: lorain .ohio usa
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 11:54 AM

Comments

TODAY' say all passed bill's still paying them ,to day I'm still work on me When only you can work it of but one day at a time. TO say work. YOU will always have bills . some day you will in your hp you will have more . more hour one day at time . just to find a way to make it better one day at time no tabs but the others who caught up to in sobber life today moving on today today !! god bless you today !!!!!!its works


Member: cb
Location: lorain .ohio usa
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 11:54 AM

Comments

TODAY' say all passed bill's still paying them ,to day I'm still work on me When only you can work it of but one day at a time. TO say work. YOU will always have bills . some day you will in your hp you will have more . more hour one day at time . just to find a way to make it better one day at time no tabs but the others who caught up to in sobber life today moving on today today !! god bless you today !!!!!!its works


Member: cb
Location: lorain .ohio usa
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 11:54 AM

Comments

TODAY' say all passed bill's still paying them ,to day I'm still work on me When only you can work it of but one day at a time. TO say work. YOU will always have bills . some day you will in your hp you will have more . more hour one day at time . just to find a way to make it better one day at time no tabs but the others who caught up to in sobber life today moving on today today !! god bless you today !!!!!!its works


Member: cb
Location: lorain .ohio usa
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 11:56 AM

Comments

TODAY' say all passed bill's still paying them ,to day I'm still work on me When only you can work it of but one day at a time. TO say work. YOU will always have bills . some day you will in your hp you will have more . more hour one day at time . just to find a way to make it better one day at time no tabs but the others who caught up to in sobber life today moving on today today !! god bless you today !!!!!!its works


Member: cb
Location: lorain .ohio usa
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 11:56 AM

Comments

TODAY' say all passed bill's still paying them ,to day I'm still work on me When only you can work it of but one day at a time. TO say work. YOU will always have bills . some day you will in your hp you will have more . more hour one day at time . just to find a way to make it better one day at time no tabs but the others who caught up to in sobber life today moving on today today !! god bless you today !!!!!!its works


Member:
Location:
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 12:24 PM

Comments

Fred, no one is qualified to tell you whether you belong here or not, only you can do that. My understanding of this disease is that once we begin alcoholic drinking we can never go back, the big book says it great obsession of every alcoholic to be able to control their drinking. For me, being the alcoholic I am, I would be miserable in your shoes, I would be crawling the walls, always wanting another and believe me I'd get it too! I'd feel like a rat in a cage that only got fed once a month. Maybe you should honestly search your heart and re-think your motives for being at this site, I don't know why you would come here if you're indeed "cured". Wish you the best.


Member: carrie
Location: los angeles
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 06:59 PM

Comments

I was thinking about my alcoholism and how it effects all areas of my life. For instance, I tried some diet Rite cola and I really liked it, but when I found out that it didn't contain caffine, I didn't want to drink it anymore. I have it sitting in my fridge and I won't even drink it at night when I don't want any caffine. It's the same thing with non-alcoholic beer, if I'm not gonna get a buzz it's completely useless to drink it. So funny that I always thought it was the "taste" I enjoyed so much.


Member:
Location:
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 11:21 PM

Comments

may the power be with use all


Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: August 09, 2003
Time: 11:39 PM

Comments

hi all well I am happy to report my Son is doing good again in fact he is home this weekend and my faith that God will remove the need to do drugs is in fact coming true as of this week. I'm also still sober. God bless and another sober day to you all


Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: August 10, 2003
Time: 03:56 AM

Comments

Hi All, Man am I BEAT! This sober living is wearing me out. Not enough hours in the day to do all the living I want to do. Wonderful but busy day today, Lots on the plate for tomorrow, Thank You God. It's all so good to be back to living again. Driving home tonight I pondered for a moment if this was Gods will or mine and then I smiled knowing I'm on his path now. 0:)((Lynn)) I feel much like you so very grateful. You sound like you tried to destroy yourself too at the end. I created a God in my own image and the image I created tried to destroy me as much as tried to destroy myself. Today I don't pray to myself anymore or a wine bottle but to a power greater than myself and it ain't me!!! I hope you find finishing your 3rd Step on your knees with your sponsor as powerful as I did. The 3rd Step prayer is beautiful, pg. 63. Speaking of that I need to get up for Mass, a sober summer sizzler cookout and a commitment to Maine. Yikes, can I do it all? I guess I'll leave that up to my HP. With His Grace I can do anything. Nitey nite. Kelly


Member: Don
Location: earth
Date: August 10, 2003
Time: 04:09 AM

Comments

don't forget its a long way down


Member: Kelly M
Location: A beautiful place
Date: August 10, 2003
Time: 04:32 AM

Comments

Don, The only lower I could have sank was death. You don't get it, I lived it. Every day I wake up sober is a gift to me. Relapse is not part of my recovery plan, death is ineveitable, but on his time frame not mine. Don't ever give up Don. Goodnight and keep posting. Kelly :)


Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: August 10, 2003
Time: 05:05 AM

Comments

Morning all. Boy, can I relate to you on that one Kelly , not enough hours in the day :)) I just love this way of life, never knew it exisited and try to do good in all I do just for the day.Yeh, I feel that I went to my own doors of hell, my drinking took me to overdosing many times, I just did not want to live,guess it wasnt my choice to take my own life , my HP power isnt ready for me yet and I truly believe that. He perhaps sees an inner strength in me that I am beginning to see. Today I begin to work on my third step, meeting up with my sponser later today (thanks for your comments kelly) Love to you all.