Member: Glen
Location: Tx
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 07:36 AM
With this, Staying Cyber starts a 3rd meeting today, the Early Sobriety meeting. We’ve been working on this meeting since the previous Steering Committee. Mike, Ardis, and Sanders worked on it as did the current committee, Annie, Bill J, Mark W, Sonia, and Tim V. Andrew also contributed. Barry - as always - did a good bit of the behind the scenes work; this time he let me have the pleasure of introducing the new meeting.
I hope you enjoy reading and participating 1/2 as much as I did working on it. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to be of service.
http://www.stayingcyber.org/sccoffee/Early.htm
Member: xx
Location:
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 07:59 AM
xx
Member: Andrew
Location: Calgary
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 11:13 AM
I only have to remember what life is like for me while drinking to know I am an alcoholic. I recently drank again after a few years sober again, and have done so periodically since I first sobered up in AA. I believe it has little to do with alcohol itself, but rather a state of mind and what I learned in the early years. I seemed to crave the different states that using one substance or another would bring on in early childhood. I always craved sugar and started using tobacco at a very young age. At about 8 I was sniffing gasoline to the point of often passing out. At about 10 I first got drunk and by 14 I was into the street drugs in a big way. There are childhood experiences that I can see contributed to the way I view the world and it's peoples, and booze became a way to numb out the perceptions and feelings that these experiences brought up. And using booze in this way always sweeps them away for a bit but brings on more of the same soul sickness in seemingly different forms. And my life is then a mess, inside and out. When I first sobered up in AA, I had just been on a drunk where I simply could not stop drinking, much as I wanted to. When I finally did stop, I experienced DT's in a big way, and wound up in hospital. I decided then that I was in fact alcoholic, although the symptoms were there for a long time before. If you feel you may be alcoholic, I would suggest that you take a good look at it. Look at what part booze plays in your life and how it is affecting your life. And decide for yourself.
Member: Sonia
Location: UK
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 11:24 AM
Hello World If I tell the truth I dont know if I am an alcoholic. I dont know that if there was a blood test that could prove it, that it would say that I am. I use to agonise a lot over this question, it seemed such a shame to give up alcohol if I didnt have to, such a shame as I loved alcohol so much. I went to many meetings before I stopped drinking, and I could identify with the craving, and the wanting more. I could identify with a great deal (but I thought half of my normal drinking friends would), but there was a great deal I didnt identify with. Such was my denial in this disease that it didnt seem to matter that alcohol caused me a lot of pain, (which I accepted) and that that fact alone should lead to the conlucion that I ought not to drink then the shit would stop. I was hell bent on finding a conclusive evidence of my alcoholism. (Like that would alter the reality of it) It was only after a few days, weeks, months sober did I see that a conclusive, rock solid, diagnosis didnt matter. All that did matter was that I accepted that alcohol caused me many problems and the occasional severe one, that wouldnt exist if I didnt drink. That the only solution to that problem was to not drink. I use the term Alcoholic to discribe this lack of control over my actions, my life and the next drink, when I pick up one drink. But I carried on drinking for a while, just like i carried on smoking knowing what that was doing to me. It was only when I realised, that one drink leading to my normal binge, could kill me. (through accidental death) that I finally stopped drinking for just one day. I stopped playing russian roulette with my life. And then Life Began. Love and light, and thanks to the previous steering comittee who put a lot of work into this. And of course the TECHS. sonia
Member:
Location:
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 11:40 AM
test
Member: Gabrielle P
Location: Arlington, TX
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 12:02 PM
Gabrielle grateful recovering alcoholic....I didn't know when I frist came into the rooms that I was an alcoholic, I was so sick I didn't know what day or month it was. At the end of a very horrendous career of booze and drugs, I found myself alone physically, emotionaly and spiritualy. I had no one left but me and I was a mess. I had one of the highest THC levels they had ever seen and my blood alcohol was close to 2.3. I was unconscious for several days and when I awoke I was sorely disappointed to see that I was still living. So I found myself in a mental hospital, unable to move about freely, had to be escorted every where, was not aloowed to be alone, suicide watch is what they call it. It took them 6 weeks to get me to a point where I could be trusted to be alone. I was that angry at myself and the world. I was not allowed any visitors and in fact it was several months before i was allowed to even see my husband and children. In my last blackout, I had beaten my children almost to death, and when I realized it, the shock shut down my mind. So when they finally took me into AA meetings, I was not prepared to "hear" anything that would help me. i was not willing to "listen" until one night a lady shared about this "hole" inside of her, and that no matter how much dope she threw in there or how much she drank, it just seem to grow and never filled up..that I heard loud and clear, and then I knew I was "home" I felt for the first time in years, I had to talk to her, but was not allowed. I saw her several mores times and finally when about to be released, I asked her to be my sponsor, the first woman I ever loved, even over my mother. It has been many year since then but it is as fresh as it happened yesterday. Today i am not ashamed anymore to speak of it. I have changed myself and my life and I am resonably happy. Life still happens and I still get stuck and have to ask for help but I am far better than I could have imagined possible. Am I an alcoholic? I don't know, and for today I don't care, cause when I got here I wasn't even human anymore, so if it means I am alcoholic to be able to have the gift of living, feeling, being needed , being wanted, being loved, then yes I guess I am....and God is not responsible any more for any of the past, today He guides me on my walk through life, holds my hand, picks me up and carries me if necessary. And I have never felt alone again, every day is a gift, and every opportunity to grow reminds.... I cannot fail until I stop trying, In Sobriety, In A.A., In Life Gabrielle gpp854@netscape.net
Member: Beto L
Location: Tampico, Mexico
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 12:34 PM
Rule 62 applies everywhere. You might be an alcoholic if: You have ever wondered who pooped in your pants. You have ever lost your car. You have ever awakened with your head in a woman's armpit and you were afraid to open your eyes. You get Christmas cards and birthday cards from the owners of the liquor store. A policeman has ever said to you, "You AGAIN!" The highest score you ever got on a test was on the AA pamhlet "20 questions only you can answer." When someone talks about wanting "a drink" you automatically think they mean alcohol.
Member: Word
Location: Counter
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 01:21 PM
Way over the "suggested" guidelines, Sonia. Tutt, tutt!!! Shame on you.
Member: The crazy world of Avril G
Location: Belgium via Barnsley UK
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 01:55 PM
It took me seven years in and out of AA trying to decide if I really WAS an alkie. My uncle definitely WAS one, he was living on the streets, except when he was found hypothermic and taken in to detox and delouse, but ME?? I had a job, car, family, no endorsements on my license, so surely I couldn't be. Best thing I can suggest is what was suggested to ME. 'If you don't know whether you are an alkie, you are better off in an AA meeting PRETENDING you are, than sitting in a bar pretending you are NOT' Nobody told me I was an alkie, in fact when I told people I AM an alkie, many refused to believe it, so I guess its true that you are an alcoholic if YOU say you are. {{{{BETO}}}} YES, I think I definitely AM roflmao Thank you, if I wasn't already convinced, I am now. LOL
Member: Margie D.O.S. 8/26/01
Location: New York
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 03:54 PM
Good job ((Steering Committee)), this looks like a great idea! Like (Gabrielle), I had no idea I was an alcoholic until I was so depressed, could not manage my life, and saught help. It was suggested I go to a rehab for my drug addiction, that, I was willing to accept, but I realized in the rehab, I has not willing to see I was an alkie too. It wasn't until they pionted out that along with my drugging I drank to get out of my head. I would take anything and everything to be numb, regardless of it's effects. I just wanted out! By the end of my d&ding career, I was drinking by myself, smoking pot all day, isolating and ready to die. I hadn't lost anything material wise, only myself, and my relationships with my family and friends. My drinking and drugging controlled my thinking and my actions. I thought it was my friend, but it let me down, it didn't work anymore. My life had become unmanageable, and I was powerless over my drinking and drugging.
Member: ClaraD
Location: Midwest
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 04:37 PM
I think the toughest part about being an alcholic is truly acknowledging the fact that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I'm not a normal drinker, I can't be...as many times as I've tried to think I can be, it's just not in the cards. I can't play the "moderation" game. It does not work for me. I start with a few beers, and before you know it I've got bottles (not beer either) stashed all over the house. Rediculous, I know. It's tough to be an adult in a world that is so enchanted with alcohol. Bar & Grills are everywhere you look. I "vacation" at a campground on the weekends with my family, and every night there's a "community campfire." Again, yet another situation it is difficult to stay sober in. My work is "social". Dinners out are frequent, being a nondrinker is quite uncomfortable. But heh. My choice is simply this: Either I drink and lose control of my life, thereby putting my family, myself, and my soul in jeopardy, or I quit. If I quit, I keep everything, but must find a way to deal with the life God gave me. If only it were as simple as putting down that bottle. Take care all, Clara D.
Member: AnnieM
Location: NY
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 04:58 PM
Wonderful new meeting! Thanks, all involved. Before I stopped drinking, I had read many different definitions of an alcoholic, and sometimes I fit it, and sometimes I didn't. Then, I stopped worrying about semantics. You can use whatever label you choose, but more often than not, if I had one drink, I was going to keep drinking until I was drunk. Control was a big problem. Rarely was there a glass of wine with dinner, then stopping. I drank to get drunk. I didn't drink every day. I didn't drink in the morning. I didn't loose my car/house/family. However, I drank to get drunk. And didn't stop. When that became painfully obvious, I knew that I had totally lost control of my drinking.
Member: Bill J
Location: Kingsville TX
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 05:53 PM
Good Work Glen Berry Sonia and others. It looks great. I was told if Alcohol caused problems it was a problem. I did not get into trouble every time I drank but every time I got into trouble I had been drinking. was also told if I could not guarintee my actions after the firs drink I was in. Yhe only action I was sure of after the first drink was I was going to have another one. I was also told if you doughted you had a drinking problem and had kids tos ask them if you have the guts. I was not about to ask my kids. I know what they would have said. Love to all my cyber friends. bj
Member: rebecca/alcoholic
Location: fl
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 06:32 PM
Hi evryone! newcomers--you are not alone and don't have to be ever again!!!!! When I first drank, felt that buzz and "went with it" it was like a lightning bolt hit me and I thought to myself, "This is it! This is the secret that the WORLD has been keeping from me- the secret that everyone else knows but me!! " After 14 years of alcoholic drinking, I called it quits. The buzz let me down. The secret revelation I thought I got was a disgusting horrendous lie- a joke and I was in a dark emotional hellhole. I was a total b****, I thought my s*** didn't stink. I was better than YOU, smarter than YOU, prettier than YOU, more intellectual than YOU, better educated than YOU, got more guys than YOU---you can't believe how I was. So damn self righteous and sure of myself. Don't mess with me, I know what I'm doing! At first it was fun, then it was just the thing to do, then it was a habit, a dependency. Oh yes, I lied to myself about it. What alcoholic isn't the world's greatest negotiater of bullshit? I hit my 30's and the party ended- I was getting bloated, looking more haggard, always bitching about how someone screwed me over in some capacity, how things weren't fair and people just didn't realize how great I was. I couldn't keep my checking account straight and started using credit to drink on- regularly. Couldn't get bills paid on time but that's okay- "everyone misses now and then"- but, the party I started in my teens had changed by my 30's. No more magic. I was just another one of those drunks who line the bar counter- the regular--at one time I took that as a compliment. I was definitely of the opinion that if you were only going to have "one or two" then, why friggin' bother!!! Gotta have FUN, right? That's what life is about!!!!!!! What's the point if you don't??? That's part of my share have to run. If anything connects with you- please look up the AA hotline number in your phone book- IT WILL SAVE YOUR ASS and it WILL NOT LWET YOU DOWN if you WORK IT!!! That's a promise! Love, Rebecca
Member: Adam H.
Location: Nagano, JAPAN
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 07:21 PM
Adam, alcoholic. I promised myself every time I went out to party that I was only going to have two drinks....just TWO....no more. By the end of the evening, I had two several times over and wound up being carried through the streets with a hefty garbage bacg full of puke in the other hand, or lying on the floor by the toilet promising myself that I would never so THAT again...and, of course, doing it again! For me, that's what differentiates me from a normal drinker...when normal drinkers say they're going to have two, they actually DO it. When a normal drinker has a bad hangover and promises themselves that they will never drink like that again, they DO SO! Not me...I've never known self-control when it comes to alcohol.
Member: Melissa
Location: Canada
Date: July 07, 2002
Time: 10:50 PM
Melissa, alcoholic. However this may sound, it is true...I never did like getting drunk and the last time I was well and truly pissed was about twenty- two years ago, and eighteen years before I stopped drinking. I just drank enough to keep me calm and feeling normal, 'course that went up over the years as my disease progressed and at the end I was physically addicted to alcohol and felt shaky if I went too long without it. Not drinking was definitely NOT okay with my body. A handy tip-off to my alcoholism was when I started pouring myself a vodka and fruit juice right after I dropped my children at school. I went on with this for some time, convinced that even though I knew I had a problem, no one else had to know. And in fact, no one ever did get in my face with my drinking...it was just crippling me from within, and when I couldn't take it any more, I went to AA even though I didn't think it would 'work'. At the time that I quit, I was a functioning alcoholic, but that doesn't go on forever. I certainly wasn't living life the way that I now know life can be lived, and I'm very, very grateful that I had a chance to find out what life looks like on the other side of sneaky, furtive, helpless, hopeless drinking.
Member: Phil A
Location: Geordieland UK
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 12:45 AM
Well before I picked up that first drink, at the age of three in fact I underwent a serious operation for a tumour and of course had to learn how to do things over again, the nurses wanted to teach me to crawl, but I wanted to walk and I did walk before I crawled. Thats the way most of my life turned out-If I couldn't do something to perfection or out do someone I wouldn't try. Aged fourteen I started drinking and going into blackouts, at sixteen had been banned from a few bars and arrested. At eighteen I attended my first AA meeting, nice folks but I wasn't one of them, hey I didn't need the stigma nor want to be labeled. I went and continued my research trying to prove to myself and to those around me that I would not be beaten by liquid chemicals. Ten years and many arrests later I came back to AA a beaten man, lost, bewildered, despairing and bedraggled, hopeless and sick of being sick, I'd had enough. I drank again exactly sixty seven days into the program, physically it wasn't my worst drink although it still ended in a blackout, but mentally I'd had it. Thank God for AA and thank AA for God, today I have a life free from the bondage of John Barleycorn and free from the bondge of self. Theres no doubt in my mind that I'm an alcoholic today and I certainly ain't gonna go out there and try proving otherwise, I've already been to my hell and one day at a time I ain't aiming to go back there, God willing
Member: Tom M
Location: Seattle wa
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 03:14 AM
How do i know if i'm an alki? Well i have a good job,I don't have black outs,I don't get hang overs,And i never had a DUI... So all this tells me that i'm probably not an alky right? Except i drink 12 or more beers every day. And i can't usally go more then 1 or 2 days with out a beer and not go nuts.I drink and drive allways on my way home from work, just haven't been caught.And i never can have only 1 or 2 beers and thats it.So this tells me that i'm probably an alky. Eather way i have to change this isn't working.Anyway i love this new page for pepole under 12 mo's,and hope to grow more here.Today is day 4 so see ya on 5 BFN
Member: Mark W.
Location: St. Louis
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 05:46 AM
Tom, I too, was a drinker of twelve or more a day. I still had the house, four cars, and a very good job. My wife had left and I was quite lonely, but it had nothing to do with me. This was my fourth marriage. I just couldn't get the staying together thing. Well, I decided that I needed to straighten out, as the drinking had increased dramatically since the wife had left. AA was welcoming, and I have not had a drink since. Both parents died of alcohol abuse, so I knew where I was headed. The wife came back, but we have since divorced. My children have become much closer to me than while drinking. In fact, my eighteen year old daughter chose to come live with me a couple of years ago. My son, who had hated me, and I are going fishing later this month. Life gets better. I am living it, so I know. AA does not make you do anything, in fact the offer is made to try it for a while, and if you don't like it AA will gladly return all your misery. You came to the right place on the web. All that is left is a trip to an AA meeting. Don't worry about going. Most of us were afraid to go. Every one there is there for the same reason that you are going, so there is no real reason to be afraid. Go for it! I promise that you won't regret it! Alky or not? Try this link: http://www.aa.org/english/E_Pamphlets/P-3_d1.html Mark W. LMW007@aol.com
Member: Andrew
Location: Indiana
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 05:47 AM
well my name is Andrew and I know im a alcoholic. I just recently quit my very good job due to my alcoholism. Im good at saying screw it!!! I believe my alcoholism is from my genes. Im 24 now and I hate myself and pray that my life gets better.
Member: Andrew
Location: Indiana
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 05:48 AM
well my name is Andrew and I know im a alcoholic. I just recently quit my very good job due to my alcoholism. Im good at saying screw it!!! I believe my alcoholism is from my genes. Im 24 now and I hate myself and pray that my life gets better.
Member: DebG
Location: Florida
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 06:06 AM
I am still trying to come to grips with it all. I still don't want to label myself as alcohlic -- nothing against it mind you. I do like to be with my friends and play cards and have some drinks. And thank God, I have always been smart enough to stay at their house if I have been drinking. Up until that point, I have been pretty lucky. My problem has been such a fit of depression, that I am starting to depend on it. Oh heck, not starting, I am. I am having the "jolts" in the morning, also before work. Sometimes too much "jolt"(Hate the job) Using it to be in a good mood and easy to get along with, but using it too much. Sometimes I can't even remember what I have done through the day. Don't think I was ever actually drunk, but the guilt I deal(t) with because I know I did. Never drink at night when I get home. Any of you with the same start to drinking? Please write. For those of you who have, thank you. I have saved your letters, and I will write back. I have stayed off of it 1 day now, and feel pretty good. No shakes, but still don't want to go to work. StSty@aol.com
Member: Babette R
Location: Jerusalem
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 07:30 AM
Hi my name's Babette and i'm an alcoholic. I think I knew from the first time I drank that I was an alcoholic. I remember thinking I had found something that was an answer to what I'd been looking for. And I knew I couldn't share that with anyone, there was something shameful about it. I can see how my relationship with alcohol took off from that first drink--it was my secret and I thought I discovered something great. I guess it was great for a while, but I had this nagging guilt about why I needed something else to make me feel good about myself and life. I didn't persue this too closely but it waas there. I thought I found a friend in alcohol and that it was too good too be true and this is true. It turned on me and I kept going back to it trying to recapture the initial great feelings. I couldn't do it but I tried and tried. Then it waas that I had to drink and the nightmare really started. I knew I was alcoholic all a long but now I was desperate and finally went to my first AA meeting. I didn't get it right away but it gave me hope of there being someplace I could go to get help. It took me a long time to work the program, but thank god I've become willing. Thanks.
Member: Sean O
Location: Orlando
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 07:33 AM
This is the perfect meeting for me. I have been wrestling with the issue of whether I am in fact an alcoholic. I have been trying to do step one, but struggle with the secong part. I have no problem with "We admitted we were powerful over alcohol" since I always drink more than I intend to, but I struggle with "that our lives had become unmanageable". I have a good job, house, etc., no DUI's or financial problems, so I don't know that I can say that my life is unmanageable. But there are a few things I read in this meeting that have helped me realize this is not critical at this point. Someone said "You're better off siting in an AA meeting pretending you're an alcoholic, than sitting on a bar stool pretending you're not". Thanks!
Member: AndyM
Location: W.Pa
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 08:40 AM
Sean O I can relate to what you are saying,I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of an alcoholic,I never had the dui or the loss of family and home, job etc etc.I am more than confident that had I continued drinking I would experience all of the problems associated with alcoholism, I am grateful that my higher power showed me the way to AA, as we are capable of doing good things those same capabilities exist for us to accomplish the bad things.In AA we call that the "yets", I havent lost my family "yet", I havent had a dui "yet", I havent lost my home"yet".In AA I have a lot better chance to beat the yets and the pitfalls of alcoholism than I would had I stayed out there drinking.
Member: AndyM
Location: W.Pa
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 08:41 AM
Sean O I can relate to what you are saying,I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of an alcoholic,I never had the dui or the loss of family and home, job etc etc.I am more than confident that had I continued drinking I would experience all of the problems associated with alcoholism, I am grateful that my higher power showed me the way to AA, as we are capable of doing good things those same capabilities exist for us to accomplish the bad things.In AA we call that the "yets", I havent lost my family "yet", I havent had a dui "yet", I havent lost my home"yet".In AA I have a lot better chance to beat the yets and the pitfalls of alcoholism than I would had I stayed out there drinking.
Member: Miranda C
Location: Vermont, USA
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 08:42 AM
I too struggled for a long time with the 2nd half of Step 1. My life did not appear to be unmangeable. I drank for many years, from the age of 16 until the day after Christmas 2001. I am 47 now. I often drank extremely heavily, but it was not until I got to a point about six years ago where I drank every day and could not stop that I admitted to myself that I was addicted to alcohol. Even then I did not call myself an alcoholic. I could stop after one or two drinks, even though I didn't want to. I preferred to have four or five, that was my usual intake. But, since I COULD (with effort) stop for the evening after one or two I did not consider myself an alcoholic. However I HAD to have that one or two (or four or five). Many times I would tell myself I would not drink; I ALWAYS did. If I ran out of liquor I would say "Not tonight, I won't drink tonight, tommorow". By 8:00 I would find myself saying to my son, "Honey I'm just going to run down to the convenience store and get a pack of cigarettes". I'd get a bottle of wine, which I don't even like, because I HAD to have something. My intake (always after work, at home) began to go up. I needed more to feel "normal". I began to have blackouts. Sometimes I would wake up in the morning and I wouldn't be able to remember putting my son to bed - I'd see the towels on the bathroom floor so I knew he'd had his bath and I'd see the bookmark in his book had moved so I'd know I'd read him his nightly chapter but I wouldn't be able to remember any of it. I got drunk at family gatherings. I wouldn't mean to but somehow I would be falling down drunk with no real idea how it happened. All this time, to outward eyes, my life was steadily improving. I had gotten divorced (amicably). I had gone back to school and gotten excellent grades throughout, had gotten a degree, found work that I loved and was good at. I bought a house. What was unmanagable was my inward life. I was horribly lonely, angry and sad. I drank every night and after my son was in bed I drank and cried. I went to work with a hangover every day. I was sick. I know I'm an alcoholic because if I am drinking I HAVE to drink. I know I'm an alcoholic because without alcohol my life is better in every way and so am I.
Member: Glen
Location: Tx
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 09:15 AM
Sean, I had the same problem, and Miranda touched on it a little bit. {I didn’t realize it at the time, though, and proceeded on with drinking until my life become unmanageable} In college classes, we defined manage as “plan, direct, and control”, and I wasn’t doing that in my life long before, alcohol was, in subtle ways I didn’t recognize. My wife would ask me to go the cafeteria and I’d decline because you couldn’t drink there. I got where I didn’t like going to movies but preferred to wait until it came out on video for the same reason. When I did go somewhere I knew there was no alcohol, I’d make sure to have a few first, and when the booze got low at the house, I’d get jittery and find reasons to go to the store for something else. Then, when I became single and moved around a lot (had nothing to do with drinking you understand, she was just a bitch), apartments were selected based upon proximity to liquor stores, convenience stores, and bars.
Member: Ardis
Location: Calif.
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 10:59 AM
It took me a long time to admit I was an alcoholic, and even longer, well into sobriety, that my life was unmanageable, and the need to be restored to sanity, NOT moi! No way! Looking back I was such a queen of DeNial. The end started that I could not predict the outcome of my drinking aanymore, sometimes sweet, sometimes mean, sometimes lots of laughter or heartbreaking crying and many times a blackout. I always said I would have a few, like 2 of whatever, once the two were downed, the great ease that went immediately to my head, that calming effect began to take place, ahhhh, I was in control again. I was “part of”, no longer the outsider looking in. I became a NEW women after 2 drinks and the NEW woman believed she could handle and control her drinking --- NOT. The insanity of controlling NOT to drink for a day, then ending up buying the stuff before midnight anyhow. Going to ANY length to get my alcohol. Going to “must” parties where there was hardly any alcohol served, first I loaded up at home, and had extra hidden in the car. Later, I lied and lied NOT to attend anything that did NOT serve alcohol, promised and did not go, became totally unreliable. Then for months on end, at 7:45 pm I started to go to the AA meeting, but had to pass the bar, sometimes I made it, sometimes not. Then the times I went back and forth between the meeting place and the bar, 3 to 4 times back and forth. And for months on end sitting in AA meetings with my open pepsi can LACED with vodka, because I believed vodka did NOT smell ---- SURE! When I was under the influence, my life was unmanageable, waking up with hangovers my life was unmanageable by the crouch I was, snarl – leave me alone – what NOW ??? When I ran out of alcohol, the obsession to getting a bottle, unmanageable until I had that bottle in my possession, NOTHING counted in between. Leaving my kids alone to get a drink was not insanity? Driving on the road drunk and putting other lives besides my own was not insanity? I can go on and on, I had to have every drop I drank, not a drop LESS, and not a drop MORE, before alcohol finally brought me to my knees and into AA, which had the solution for me.
Member: Gage
Location: Louisiana
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 11:49 AM
Hi, Sean. I'm Gage and I'm an alcoholic. You know, I used to have to have a couple of drinks before going to meet up with someone to have drinks. Do you do anything like that? You said you always drink more than you intend to. Can you think of any reasons why? Like in my case, I needed alcohol to fill up something that's sort of hard to describe that was inside of me. A void of some sort. I needed it to loosen up around people, or I needed it for courage. And I was very bored and edgy around people without it. What I'm saying is that the key to that second part of step one might not be something that happened on the outside, like dui's, car wrecks, or bankruptcy, but something on the inside, like fear, self-loathing, or illegitimate pride. When I was willing to admit that I needed alcohol in that sick way that alcoholics like myself do need it, then I also had to admit that I needed it because of that big hole inside of me that I couldn't keep filled. Then I also realized that inspite of the things I had accomplished, and the things I had attained, I still wasn't able to keep that hole filled. So, I'm suggesting that you look at two things: one, what happens to you when you drink? Can you control it? And two, if you can't control it, why do you drink? And whatever the answer is to that question, do you have any control over that? I hope this helps. God bless you.
Member: SandyC
Location: Scotland
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 12:21 PM
I’d like to thank everyone who helped to put this new StayingCyber site together. My first 365 days of sobriety is almost up but I still consider myself a newcomer with lots of questions to ask and I know from reading the first few posts that the Early Sobriety Meeting is going to really help people just starting out. Without doubt anyone who’s asking the question seriously will find the answer by just going to an AA meeting.
Member: rebecca
Location: fl
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 01:56 PM
Hi ((Group)), Rebecca/alkcoholic- Find yourself alone more often than you deep down care to admit? Find yourself rationalizing you'll just go to the bar and have a couple, no biggie, won't hurt anyone? Find yourself waking up in a stranger's bed- or someone you barely know from last night? Find yourself trying to laugh it off although there's little voice in your head you desperately want to make shut up?DFind yourslef having a "bad night" at the bar if someone didn't hit on you? Find yourself becoming more obnoxios than you really want to admit? If you can justify behaviors like these (and these are just some of mine-everyone had different variations), God knows I did, then these are behaviors that are alcoholic. There are more- they get gruesome and very depressive...especially when the cycle goes on for years on end. Didn't see it when I was in my early 20's---fitting in ---finding that NEW WOMAN ((Ardis)) when I drank was more important than the fact didn't know who the heck I even was. I could justify who I was was- but I was never ever sure. Now I know. I am an alcoholic-my name is Rebecca. I lied an bs'd myself from 18-32 years old. I ran out of b.s. Love, rebecca
Member: marc, n
Location: ky
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 03:30 PM
have never been to AA. been drinking hard for years just like the rest of you. one is too many, 12 not enough. glad i found this site because i am trying to quit. what is at AA that i should go see?
Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 04:29 PM
I did not know I was an alcoholic until I had been in the program a few months. I then learned that normal drinkers do NOT; 1. Gulp the first drink down to get things going and then immediately pour a second that get drunk a bit more slowly. Ordering 2 beers for yourself if the bar is busy is another variation. 2. Wonder why in the hell someone would throw a party and have only this small amount of booze to drink! It was insulting to me. 3. Have a private cocktail party before the public cocktail party. 4. Get pissed off at the "half-Eddies" that don't finish their drink. I mean they actually leave the table with another swallow in the glass! What a waste. 5. Have trouble getting through the day because they are so hung over (calling in sick is another variation), 6. Put off dinner until they get a good buzz going first. 7. Like the fact that a noon game means they are not the only one tailgating and drinking alcohol at 10:30am. 8. Have a clear, and fond, memory of their first drink. That first discovery of just what a beautiful thing this booze was all about. 9. Use booze to alter their mood. Whether it be stress reduction, getting up, cooling down. etc. ...and I did ALL these things. What's more interesting is that I thought everyone did these things!
Member: LashawnaH
Location:
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 04:39 PM
I have been reading through the posts here and one common thing that I have noticed is that when you all hit bottom and realized that you were alone emotionally, physically, etc. you have to remember that you are NEVER alone spiritually. God is with you every second of every day and he breaths every breath that you take. He guides you and loves you even when you ignor him. He knows what you are going to say and do before you do it and he is ALWAYS there when you need the strenght to go on. I highly commend all of you for the things that you have overcome. Don't just look at God as something that is there look at him as you father and turn to him as a child would turn to his father when he has fallen and in pain. Throw yourself into him and commit everything that you have to him. Believe me when I say that a life in Christ is like no other. Become addicted to his word and let it guide you in your walk with him and through your everyday struggles through your 12 steps.
Member: Les
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 05:08 PM
"We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it...more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition." Alcoholics Anonymous. pp. 31-32 There is also this challenge: if you are not alcoholic merely stop drinking. There will be no problem and you are missing nothing. If you are alcoholic stop drinking if you can. If you cannot you are probably alcoholic. If you can and your miserable your probably alcoholic. Try to stop drinking for a year. Read the Big Book from cover to cover to see if you identify with any of it. Listen to the stories of people at Speaker Meetings and here on the Staying Cyber Meeting sites. Try to ask yourself, honestly, if you identify with any of the stories or even part of any stories from alcoholics. Good Luck.
Member:
Location:
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 05:10 PM
Hey Techs! Wha' happened to the paragraphs?
Member: xx
Location:
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 05:11 PM
http://www.stayingcyber.org/sccoffee/Early.htm
Member:
Location:
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 05:43 PM
Testing 1,2,3 Is a paragraph going to appear?
Member: Jane M
Location: UK
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 06:24 PM
My name is Jane, I am an alcoholic. I can say that and mean it because of all the underlying things that i thought caused me to drink. For today I try to find answers in my sponser, the steps 1 2 3, other members, meetings and the times when i can clearly see answers to questions that inside i have been asking which have come through. Anyone who is struggling, there are people there to help night or day, that hand of friendship. I am coming up to 10 months now, I can feel the growth in me. Keep coming back, I find a little more out about myself each time.
Member: Joe P.
Location: Chicago
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 06:35 PM
My name is Joe, and I’m an alcoholic. How do I know I’m an alcoholic? I look to the first step for my definition of alcoholic – “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.” Powerless – When I drank, I couldn’t stop. After the first drink, I just wanted to keep on drinking. I did not want to stop drinking unless I absolutely had to. I went to work to have money to drink, and because if I quit my job to drink my wife would have thought I was an alcoholic. (Sick and twisted alcoholic logic). Whenever I decided that I was not going to drink, I always decided to drink before that day was over. I could not maintain a desire to not drink for more than 24 hours. Unmanageable – My sponsor said, “You can’t know how unmanageable your life is. Just accept the second half as a given.” My life centered around alcohol; drinking was my only priority. I pursued drinking without care for anything else in my life, including whether I lived, maintaining appearances only for the sake of maintaining my denial so that I could go on drinking. I lived in constant fear that my facade would come crashing down on top of me. I, too, did not lose a lot of things such as cars, jobs, and family, YET. I lost my self; I lost my soul. How did I recognize these things? That is where the word “We” comes in. I listened to others in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and heard my story in their stories. I read the Big Book, and saw myself described in print. Thus I learned that I am not unique, but rather, just like many others in AA, part of the “We”.
Member: marty t.
Location: Hayward, CA
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 07:15 PM
Marty T., alcoholic. This is my second day of recovery, and jeez am I uncomfortable. I don't want to use, necessarily, but I'm in an 'in between' phase because I haven't really begun to work at this thing yet. I've been to one meeting, and will be at my next in 1 hour and 45 minutes. I could really use a pen pal and friend right now...is it ok if I leave my email addy here? Thanks, mt
Member: zz
Location:
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 07:34 PM
zz
Member:
Location:
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 07:38 PM
go right ahead mt(maybe a Hotmail or Yahoo address might be best)
Member: Teresa
Location: San Diego
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 07:59 PM
Teresa Alcoholic....i am 19 and not even legally old enough to drink but never the less i am an alcoholic.I never liked the taste,i liked the feeling i got from being drunk. All my worries went away.I drank cause i didnt want to feel real feelings.I couldnt have just one. I am greatful i found out that i had this desease at a young age cause now i can live and grow up in a great fellowship and have a great life.
Member: marty t.
Location: hayward, still
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 08:07 PM
thanks! If anyone wishes to write, do so at: martyteboe@yahoo.com
Member: gg
Location:
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 09:44 PM
xx
Member: Judith.L
Location: Melb.Australia
Date: July 08, 2002
Time: 10:47 PM
Hi, boy can I relate. Been in the program now about 3 and a half years, relapsed more times than I can count. Because I had not accepted that I was an ALCOHOLIC. Because for ME it was not just about being POWERLESS over ALCOHOL but the 2nd part MY LIFE WAS UNMANAGEABLE. Boy was it unmanageable but I just could not accept that either. I lost friends, I changed jobs over and over again. Thinking I was just getting a better career. Lost friends thinking that they were not good enough for me and that I can find better. Lost money (over spent on credit cards) but blamed that on the friends I hung around with. I had reasons for everything I did. But at the end of the day (which is TODAY), I can finally see how UNMANAGEABLE my life has been. Thanks to the AA program I am now HAVING a life. Not the life I dreamed of, but I know it will be a beautiful life if I just have Faith and Trust in the program, my sponsor, meetings and you people. Today I am RESPONSIBLE for what I think and Feel. I can no longer blame others. Today I have to accept my financial situation and take responsibility. I could not have managed my life without the support , encouragement and understanding of Life that AA has given me. I have a new MANAGER and that MANAGER is a Higher Power. Thank you for letting me share.
Member: Sean O
Location: Orlando
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 07:11 AM
Hi Gage, Thanks for your message, it gives me a lot to think about. The answer to your question "Do you ever have a few drinks before meeting someone for a few drinks" is a big yes. The answer to your question "Why do you drink" is something I have to think about - and your comment that the key to the second step may be something that happened on the inside is something that I have not considered - but makes a whole lot of sense. I think this new forum for newcommers is fantastic! I went to my first f2f meeting in three years last night. I also woke up sober. Thanks all Sean O
Member: Mark L
Location: Cornwall UK
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 07:42 AM
I enjoyed 'normal drinking' for 25 years, gradually it became compulsive and no longer enjoyable.. like taking medicine to blot the awful world out and get to sleep. I totally failed to see the link between the alcohol I was drinking because of depression and the depression I had because of the alcohol. A 'Normal' drinker for 25 years?? never stopped at just ONE, and couldn't understand any one who DID. Marc n - I was too frightened and prejudiced to think of going to a meeting. I only went to shut folk up after a lot of 'Bullying' on the coffee pot. Wot I got/get at meetings is too big and complicated to put into words, I'm damn glad I went and will never stop going.
Member: Mark L
Location: Cornwall UK
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 07:42 AM
I enjoyed 'normal drinking' for 25 years, gradually it became compulsive and no longer enjoyable.. like taking medicine to blot the awful world out and get to sleep. I totally failed to see the link between the alcohol I was drinking because of depression and the depression I had because of the alcohol. A 'Normal' drinker for 25 years?? never stopped at just ONE, and couldn't understand any one who DID. Marc n - I was too frightened and prejudiced to think of going to a meeting. I only went to shut folk up after a lot of 'Bullying' on the coffee pot. Wot I got/get at meetings is too big and complicated to put into words, I'm damn glad I went and will never stop going.
Member: Jennifer
Location: Louisiana
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 11:28 AM
Hi, I'm Jennifer and I AM an alcoholic. I fought with this question for a while, I never drank "much", I hated everything about it except the way it made me feel, sooooo...I found other things that made me feel that way but didn't make me sick, (physically). I know now that the amount I drank was only a symptom of my disease. All of my life, I felt like I didn't fit in, I thought I was one of God's mistakes, that there was some other coping skill that everyone but me had. I'm really grateful to know today what is wrong with me. I'm so glad for this meeting, I've been really caught up in a lot of LIFE stuff lately, a new relationship, job, kids, a move to a new (wonderful) house, and I had let my program slip. If it goes I go and I'll take all the wonderful stuff that is going on in my life right along with me. I really need to re-affirm my committment to my recovery, and put it before all this other stuff. I really needed to read this and to say these things. Thank God for this program and you people. You help me stay sober. But for me not drinking and using isn't enough, I need toreally practice these principles in all of my affairs. It has to be at the core of my life, in everything I do. Old behaviors slip back into my life in a big hurry, today i can feel a difference when I start to act like the B**** I used to be. I don't want to be that person anymore, and I'm scared. I want my serenity back, and I'm not sure how to get it. I really don't want to go back to where I've been. As long as I'm not doing what I know I should be doing, I kow that next bender is right around the corner.
Member: Kim D.
Location: Bridgewater
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 01:14 PM
Hi everyone. Kim here, alcoholic. How did I know I was an alcoholic? Well, there were the BLATANT indicators when I was younger like blackouts, smashed cars, missed work due to hangovers, swearing I was going out for only ONE but didn't stop for 1 or 2 days later, lies, stealing and general chaos almost everytime I drank. Then there were the SUBTLE indicators that went unnoticed until I sobered up some time later: making an EFFORT to have only a couple drinks to "prove" I could control my driking (spacing drinks, watching the clock, etc.). I was told that non-alcoholics don't give that much thought into how much they are drinking. Makes sense. Also, there was that feeling of impending doom and depression after I drank, the anger and rage I felt when I hadn't drank for a while (weeks or months) and the plotting in my head the next drink but had no idea I was doing it. I knew I had a problem with booze when I was 17, but it took me until I was 31 to admit and accept that I am an alcoholic.
Member: CW
Location: DE
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 01:21 PM
Bill J said what I wanted to share. When I first heard it,it really clicked for me.It was the beginning of the end of my drinking career: I did not get into trouble every time I drank but every time I got into trouble I had been drinking. Hope it kills another "career"
Member: Elsa
Location: la
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 01:57 PM
I know I am an alcoholic, I just have faced it. I, like Tom, can drink a 12 pack a day and go no more than 3-4 days without. Down to getting mad at the person who drank the last beer, and hasnt gone to get more. I know I am one, and was sober for almost a month and have slid again. Right now, I feel like someone has to push me to do something about it, because I have no guts or uumph to do anything about it. After i'm "buzzed" i cry because i let myself reach that level. I know I need help, maybe also for my mental state, as I feel very depressed. Would appreciate anyone giving me a good yell or shove or something.\ thankx e_rodarte@yahoo.com
Member: AZbill
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 03:21 PM
HI Bill here. Alcoholic from Arizona. I am not in early sobriety but in keeping with the Preamble, my primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. The answer to the question is simple beyond belief. I will pass on to you what was so freely given to me. On Page 31 in the Big Book there are directions on how to diagnose yourself. Try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take you long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself. Later in the first paragraph of Chapter 4 "WE Agnostics" There are only two questions to answer. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. It is that simple. Of course someone just had to come along and add 42 more questions. Then later on someone else in New York actually published them. Keep it simple. To Rich P.... I made Meetings in Boulder and surrounding areas including Aurora.. From 1981 to 1995 when I retired from Swedish Medical Center. Drop me a line if you wish. Bill az-bill@mindspring.com
Member: Svjetlana
Location: Croatia
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 04:42 PM
I am 20 years old. First time I tasted alcohol was when I was 7. I was 16 when I got drunk for the first time and my friends brought me home because I couldn´t walk on my own. I started regularly drinking on weekends two and a half years ago. It was a way to avoid dealing with my problems. I was in a depression and even seriously thinking about suicide. A year ago I very slowly started dealing with my problems, successfully. But I still have not found a way to deal with alcohol. On Saturday I was cought driving under influence of alcohol and I lost my drivers licence for 3 months. There is no AA group where I live and I don´t know how to stop wanting to get drunk every time I go out. I have to deal with it on my own.
Member: FrankD
Location: NJ
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 05:46 PM
Frank here, alcoholic. 167 days ago I quit drinking because I had promised myself I would stop for New Years. If you do the math you see that I quit on January 27th. Up to and including that point I would have fought anyone who suggested I was an alcoholic! I drank because I wanted to. It seems I was up to wanting to at least a quart of vodka worth per day, more on weekends. With health suffering, diabetes, weight out of control, I decided to quit for a little while. One week later, after five days worth of terrible withdrawl which included nervousness, uncontrollable trembling and night sweats I wanted a drink worse than anything I ever wanted! Thats when I knew I truely had a problem. I sat down at my PC and typed in "help for drinking" and was guided straight to an AA site. I read some and thought about myself and my actions. Do normal people drink in the morning to feel better? Do they not start drinking until there is "enough" in the house? Do they drink EVERY day? Do they get drunk every time they start drinking? Do their families pour out their booze, and do they in turn hide it when possible? How many "normal" people have dyed their vodka with food colol to look like a different liquid and put it in a different container to match, and put water in the vodka bottle themselfs so the family could think they were pouring away the liquor? How many of them were thinking life was worthless and thinking of ways to end it? Not too many I expect. I realized, and first admitted my alcoholism, to myself and other humans, right here on "Staying Cyber". I was guided despite my stubborness to face to face meetings. I am beginning to work the steps. Step one was hardest. I think I will end today as I began it, Sober. Maybe I can do this tomorrow too. Thank you AA and Staying Cyber. Frank drystep@aol.com
Member: Miranda C
Location: Vermont, USA
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 06:10 PM
Hi Svjetlana, It IS possible to stop drinking without going to face to face AA meetings, (or being involved with AA at all for that matter) many have done so. I found this link which might be helpful to you although for Croatia it seems to list only meetings in Split and Osijek, I don't know if you live near either of those cities. It sounds as though you do want to stop drinking or at least you want to stop wanting to get drunk. If you are alcoholic, and it sounds as though you are, you will never be able to drink without wanting to get drunk. The only solution for you is not to drink. It is hard to do alone but you don't have to do it alone. You have us. E-mail me if you want miranda@valley.net. Here's the link. http://www.aa-europe.net/countries.htm
Member: Miranda C
Location: Vermont, USA
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 06:13 PM
Svjetlana, do you know anybody else near you who feels the same way you do? It only takes two to have a meeting. Sometimes just talking to somebody else who has the same problem helps a lot.
Member: Kevin c
Location: south phila
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 07:47 PM
This is the first time I have written on-line. Like everything in my life this is a first. I have been working in A>A> since Nov. I have 20 days and have set a goal of 90 days then add more. I guess what I needed was to finally see someone I knew from my addiction to make me admit that I am an alki. Inside I knew it all the time, but not me I kept telling myself. I would work the program then look for an excuse. We all know that we will use any excuse to drink. I am proud to say now that I am a member of a.a. because I no longer live a lie. I noe can be of some service to someone even myself. I like this forum because it allows me to get in touch with recovery any time. GREAT!!! Now I have ysed mylast excuse!!! Thanks
Member: Lessa E
Location: Chicago
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 09:58 PM
Lessa E here, very grateful alcoholic. Really, really good meeting so far. How do I know if I'm an alcoholic? Well, I KNEW early on. When I was in high school and desperate to get accepted by the 'cool' people, I finally got invited to one of their parties. Alcohol was served. I drank some. Then started to feel relaxed. And then kept drinking until I puked all over the 'cool people' and wet my pants. I wasn't invited back to a 'cool party', but I didn't care. That need to be 'cool' was immediately replaced by the need to get drunk and to feel that nice buzz. And I used to pay my sister's boyfriends to buy my booze as I was only in my teens. Having had brief course on addiction during 'Health Week', I knew what was happening to me. But I was powerless to stop it. My drinking escalated as I got older. I knew early on I couldn't drink in public - it'd take too much to get the effect I wanted. So, I started sneaking it. And then, to my chagrin, my behavior started being unpredictable when I got drunk - sometimes I'd be convivial, sometimes angry, sometimes promiscous, sometimes nasty. I knew I was an alcoholic when the drinking became this unpredictable, rather than stop it, I took it underground. I started drinking every night at home, alone. Oh I knew I was an alcoholic from an early age. I just thought it was hopeless. I'd tried self-help books, quitting on my own, psychological counseling and having religious folks pray over me. I tried a couple of kinder, gentler programs. I was an alcoholic without much hope until the State of Illinois ordered me into AA after a DUI. And, once I started listening to others who had similar problems, I started to a) accept it and b) realize there was a solution. For this drunk, it's in the rooms of AA, in the literature, and, most of all, it's resting in the care of my HP whom I know as God. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Rebecca/alkie
Location: fl
Date: July 09, 2002
Time: 11:14 PM
((Jennifer in Louisiana)) The words "continuous action" and attending more meetings really help me. I too got a little complacent--and all my behaviors are large and in my face again. We can be lazy and procrastinate, can't we!!!! love, rebecca
Member: dee w
Location: british columbia
Date: July 10, 2002
Time: 01:12 AM
Hi. I'm Dee/alcoholic. I am a newcomer with a little over 3 months of not drinking. I've known for ten years that I'm an alcoholic although I've only recently been able to say it and acknowledge it. I have been to only one face to face meeting during the past 3 months even though I know how important it is to go. I am so very grateful to those that made this newcomer meeting possible; I think being able to share here and listen to others will help me in getting to face to face meetings sooner rather than later. I am feeling much better these days;I am scheduled to attend a six week inpatient treatment program in about a month and am quite scared and nervous. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience to share which might help me to best prepare? Again, thanks to you all.
Member: Jen
Location: Louisiana
Date: July 10, 2002
Time: 09:35 AM
Hi, I'm Jen and I am an alcoholic. Thanks to my HP I have been sober for the last 78 days and my life has changed profoundly. The fact that I have gotten complacent, (you hit the nail on the head, Thanks Rebecca:-) ), after this short amount of time brings it home to me...I AM an alcoholic. Who else would take for granted, something that is so simple (not easy) that makes life so much better? all I have to do is work the program, "thoroughly follow the path", and my insane ass starts thinking I can do it my way, as soon as things start to get better...DUH. Everything I ever thought I wanted is at my fingertips, serenity, a good job, good relationship with my kids and family, a wonderful guy, the house I want, blah blah blah, and for once I don't think "if I only had __________ (fill in the blank) I would be happy", I know where the happiness comes from and I'm too hard-headed to grab it with both hands. Well, not anymore, today I choose to work the program of A.A. to the very best of my ability, and turn it ALL over to my HP. Let his will, not mine be done. It's so simple, but my disease, and I do have this disease, tells me I can't do this or don't need it. I'm grateful not to have cancer, or diabetes. But my disease "TALKS" to me, and my sick head listens. I know I'm rambling, but getting it out helps make it real for me. Thank you all for being here. May God keep us all safe and sober.
Member: Sanders Watford
Location: Graceville, oysterland, FL.
Date: July 10, 2002
Time: 10:12 PM
Hi All Y'all, I am very definitely a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders. How do I know I am an alcoholic? I believe I was an alcoholic from the very start and the first drink I ever took was the catalyst that set it all in motion. I remember it just like it was yesterday too. There were several of us kids about 14 or maybe 15, and one had a six pack of beer. The game was to pass the open bottle around and each one of us take a drink from it. When it came my turn, I turned it up and thought it was the worst tasting stuff I had ever put in my mouth, but I drank till they took it from me. From that day, I proceeded to drink every drop I could get my hands on, as often as I could, for as long as I could, without getting in trouble. I was able to do just that for a great many years, and when it finally did start to catch up with me, I just changed my "standards" and made them a little lower. At the end I didn't really care about anything as long as I got the drink. When I realized I had to stop is when I realized I couldn't stop. This is the place where many alkies blow their brains out, because there seems to be no answer for them. I had been going to AA fairly regularly and had picked up some 100 to 150 white chips over a period of 7 1/2 years and had not been able to make 90 days without drinking. I finally KNEW I could no longer drink and have any idea what was going to happen to me next if I drank so I SURRENDERED, and went back to AA, not expecting it to work this time either because I had "tried" it for 7 1/2 years and it hadn't worked so why should it this time. I came back this time willing to accept ANYTHING this program had to offer because it had to be better than what I had. Sept 6th will be 27 years ago that I am speaking of and today I can honestly say that I am GLAD I am an alcoholic, because it has given me back my life and it has given me a life for the first time. I was another 5 years before I was able to make a spiritual surrender, and when I was able to do that is when things really started to happen for me. Today I have 100 to 50 white chips and ONE 90 day chip. I know I could go out and get drunk again but I KNOW I would never make it back so I'm gonna stay while I'm here. God loves you and me and there in nothing that either one of us can do to make that anymore or less. That is a pretty strong statement when you think about it. I love you too. Sanders & Little Fella sanders@wfeca.net ICQ# 14412521
Member: Sanders Watford
Location: Graceville, oysterland, FL.
Date: July 10, 2002
Time: 10:13 PM
Hi All Y'all, I am very definitely a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders. How do I know I am an alcoholic? I believe I was an alcoholic from the very start and the first drink I ever took was the catalyst that set it all in motion. I remember it just like it was yesterday too. There were several of us kids about 14 or maybe 15, and one had a six pack of beer. The game was to pass the open bottle around and each one of us take a drink from it. When it came my turn, I turned it up and thought it was the worst tasting stuff I had ever put in my mouth, but I drank till they took it from me. From that day, I proceeded to drink every drop I could get my hands on, as often as I could, for as long as I could, without getting in trouble. I was able to do just that for a great many years, and when it finally did start to catch up with me, I just changed my "standards" and made them a little lower. At the end I didn't really care about anything as long as I got the drink. When I realized I had to stop is when I realized I couldn't stop. This is the place where many alkies blow their brains out, because there seems to be no answer for them. I had been going to AA fairly regularly and had picked up some 100 to 150 white chips over a period of 7 1/2 years and had not been able to make 90 days without drinking. I finally KNEW I could no longer drink and have any idea what was going to happen to me next if I drank so I SURRENDERED, and went back to AA, not expecting it to work this time either because I had "tried" it for 7 1/2 years and it hadn't worked so why should it this time. I came back this time willing to accept ANYTHING this program had to offer because it had to be better than what I had. Sept 6th will be 27 years ago that I am speaking of and today I can honestly say that I am GLAD I am an alcoholic, because it has given me back my life and it has given me a life for the first time. I was another 5 years before I was able to make a spiritual surrender, and when I was able to do that is when things really started to happen for me. Today I have 100 to 50 white chips and ONE 90 day chip. I know I could go out and get drunk again but I KNOW I would never make it back so I'm gonna stay while I'm here. God loves you and me and there in nothing that either one of us can do to make that anymore or less. That is a pretty strong statement when you think about it. I love you too. Sanders & Little Fella sanders@wfeca.net ICQ# 14412521
Member: Sanders Watford
Location: Graceville, oysterland, FL.
Date: July 10, 2002
Time: 10:13 PM
Hi All Y'all, I am very definitely a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders. How do I know I am an alcoholic? I believe I was an alcoholic from the very start and the first drink I ever took was the catalyst that set it all in motion. I remember it just like it was yesterday too. There were several of us kids about 14 or maybe 15, and one had a six pack of beer. The game was to pass the open bottle around and each one of us take a drink from it. When it came my turn, I turned it up and thought it was the worst tasting stuff I had ever put in my mouth, but I drank till they took it from me. From that day, I proceeded to drink every drop I could get my hands on, as often as I could, for as long as I could, without getting in trouble. I was able to do just that for a great many years, and when it finally did start to catch up with me, I just changed my "standards" and made them a little lower. At the end I didn't really care about anything as long as I got the drink. When I realized I had to stop is when I realized I couldn't stop. This is the place where many alkies blow their brains out, because there seems to be no answer for them. I had been going to AA fairly regularly and had picked up some 100 to 150 white chips over a period of 7 1/2 years and had not been able to make 90 days without drinking. I finally KNEW I could no longer drink and have any idea what was going to happen to me next if I drank so I SURRENDERED, and went back to AA, not expecting it to work this time either because I had "tried" it for 7 1/2 years and it hadn't worked so why should it this time. I came back this time willing to accept ANYTHING this program had to offer because it had to be better than what I had. Sept 6th will be 27 years ago that I am speaking of and today I can honestly say that I am GLAD I am an alcoholic, because it has given me back my life and it has given me a life for the first time. I was another 5 years before I was able to make a spiritual surrender, and when I was able to do that is when things really started to happen for me. Today I have 100 to 50 white chips and ONE 90 day chip. I know I could go out and get drunk again but I KNOW I would never make it back so I'm gonna stay while I'm here. God loves you and me and there in nothing that either one of us can do to make that anymore or less. That is a pretty strong statement when you think about it. I love you too. Sanders & Little Fella sanders@wfeca.net ICQ# 14412521
Member: Sanders Watford
Location:
Date: July 10, 2002
Time: 10:34 PM
I'm sorry about posting so many times but it would not take it.
Member: Sanders Watford
Location:
Date: July 10, 2002
Time: 10:34 PM
I'm sorry about posting so many times but it would not take it.
Member: Chuck K.
Location: washington state
Date: July 11, 2002
Time: 02:20 AM
Hi all! Chuck K. Gratful,recovering alchoholic here. A lot of very good comments on here and the ways you can tell if you;re alcholic, a couple of things I was told straight out in early soberiety were not too many normal people wonder if they are alcholic! And people without an alchohol problem rarely end up at AA! But as is said if you don't think you are go ahead and go out and try some "controlled" drinking. Keep in mind what you;ve read hera and maybe you'll figure out for yourself if you want this life or not. Just remember that one hell of alot of us DIE!! So this is pretty serious! On the other hand me and my freinds in AA laugh more than anyone I know and this program has enabled me to live life like never before for 19 yrs. now so to all newcomers hang in there. And if you need to talk to someone about the program or just bs there will be people there. Go ahead and use this forum but I would urge you to get to a face to face meeting Thank you all for my soberiety!! begotas@netscape.net
Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: July 11, 2002
Time: 02:53 AM
Hi, I am Jack, a real alcoholic. How do I know I am an alcoholic? I keep this very simple, our Big Book states when an alcoholic drinks something happens. What happens for this alcoholic is once I pick up the first drink, I can't stop, nor wish to. I don't have to understand this I just need to accept it. The most important thing, I know about and accept about myself on a dail basis is that I am an alcoholic . Thru God's Grace and our 12 step program I have enjoyed continous sobriety since the 23rd of November 1987, and for that I am truly grateful. Thanks for allowing me to share and God Bless.
Member: David W
Location: Summit, NJ
Date: July 11, 2002
Time: 07:03 AM
Hi, I'm David and I'm an alcoholic. So many great posts -- really happy that the new meeting was created - thanks to everyone involved! A few of my thoughts: 1. at my 1st meeting someone bought me a Big Book and suggested I read it. At that point in my life I was feeling down enough and desparate enough for some type of help that I actually started to read it! For me it was easier to read the AA litature than to talk to people about myself. Well, the more I read, the more I could identify with, and I knew deep down that if I was going to be honest with myself, their was know doubt that I was an alcoholic -- I was lucky enough to get to AA at an young age, so my bottom was relatively high -- but I new alcohol and drugs were interfering with my life in ways that I didn't like and things were getting worse, not better. Drinking and smoking pot were taking over all aspects of my life. Chapter 3 "More About Alcoholism" was really helpful for me in understanding my condition. While many of the things that happened to other alcoholics hadn't happened to me yet, I knew that the disease was progresive and these things would happen to me if I continued to drink. I heard many people at meetings discribe how their lives were damaged as the result of years of drinking- my Dad suffered from alcoholism and my mom's Dad died from cirrhosis of the liver. I didn't want to have these things happen to me. AA ruined my ability to have fun drinking and drugging, I know knew that AA offered a program that would work if I was willing to try. Partying just wasn't like it used to be. 2. I never heard of someone trying to control something that wasn't out of control. Normal drinkers just don't think about drinking the way that I do -- the more I am around recovering alcoholics, the more I realize I think like these other alcoholics, so I guess I am an alcoholic too. 3. I think heridity can play a factor in who is an alcoholic and my family tree suggested that odds of me having problems with alcohol were increased. 4. I was very lucky to get exposed to AA early into my drinking career, it was about 20 years ago. I know I can go out and do some more research on whether I am really an alcoholic, but one of my early sponsors used to tell me that having thoughts like that was "just my disease trying to kill me" and I believe him, after all - "Remember we deal with alcohol -cunning, baffling,powerful! Without help it is too much for us." Thanks for letting me share.
Member: dee w
Location: british columbia
Date: July 11, 2002
Time: 10:03 AM
Hi..Dee/alcoholic here. I am a newcomer and wondered if someone could explain what the white chips are that Sanders spoke of. Again thanks for this meeting. Take care
Member: BG
Location:
Date: July 11, 2002
Time: 12:27 PM
I was sober 17 years, very active in meetings and service in my area and even at the world level. Things changed over time, I moved to another country where there were no meetings and lots of alcohol, and eventually relapsed. I came back to the US to save my own life. Yet, I've been in a cycle of relapses, which amounts to cyclical binge drinking. On this time, eating problems are included and I find myself abstaining and binging alternately on both food and alcohol. I have gone to my doctor. I recently began counseling. I'm attending a local gay AA meeting once a week and finally got info as to more "alternative lifestyle" meetings in the area. I'm having a difficult time breaking out of this cycle. I have a great job, new home and new car since I came back from the other country. I live alone. I drink/eat alone. I hate myself when I look in the mirror, and tell myself no wonder I'm alone. I have a love/hate relationship with the alcohol, with my food, and with myself. I am afraid of losing what little security I've obtained. My doctor, counselor, family are concerned. I'm concerned. There is some self-destructive pattern going on that I can't get handle on, nor seem to break out of, this time.
Member: CW
Location: DE
Date: July 11, 2002
Time: 01:01 PM
White chips are what they give you in a face to face meeting when you have your first 24 hours sober. They are something you can hold on to and look at and show for your accomplishments.Chips helped me stay sober in the beginning because I wanted that "prize". After 30 days you get a red chip. But it was that blue one I wanted so bad for some reason. 90 days!! If I could do that, I could give up drinking for one more day. I used mine as a "worry stone" for quite sometime. Was like traveler's checks. I wouldn't leave home without it. That might not make sense, but to me it was something tangeble that I could hold on to and see with my own eyes. Progress!!!
Member: Steering Committee
Location:
Date: July 11, 2002
Time: 01:15 PM
We're pleased to see the sharing in the new meeting and appreciate nice comments. We need your help, though. We have a list of rotating subjects that we selected, but we can use your input. If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, by all means, please email them to Steeringcommittee@stayingcyber.org Thanks
Member: dee w
Location: british columbia
Date: July 11, 2002
Time: 03:29 PM
thank you CW
Member: Miranda C
Location: Vermont, USA
Date: July 11, 2002
Time: 06:50 PM
At the meetings I go to here in Vermont, the white or silver chip signifies an initial commitment to stay sober for the next 24 hours. It is considered the most important chip of all and anyone's free to take one anytime. Some who may be having a hard time might take one to renew their commitment to stay sober. I carry one in my pocket sometimes to use as a "worry stone" like CW does, if I anticipate a particularly hard day. At first I thought the chip system was kind of silly. If this is a 24 hour program than someone with a blue chip is no further away from a drink than someone with a white or silver chip, or someone with a 24 year chip for that matter. But I can see its value and it's true that it does give you something to shoot for.
Member:
Location:
Date: July 12, 2002
Time: 07:39 AM
Member: Yongae J
Location: ohio
Date: July 12, 2002
Time: 01:46 PM
Member: Yongae J
Location: ohio
Date: July 12, 2002
Time: 02:01 PM
hi, i've been going to aa meetings for about 2 weeks. i am addicted to another substance, which has caused me much pain, loss of jobs, loss of relationships, and delayed completion of college, not to mention sucking me so dry that it's almost impossible to have a good and continuous relationship with God. when i drink alcohol it leads me back to this substance. when i drink alcohol i just don't give a damn, and go back to this substance. and then i go on a hellish binge on that substance( not necessarily alcohol, though sometimes i do binge on alcohol ). when i first started drinking, i thought it was wonderful. i mean i absolutely hated the taste, but the way it made me feel was wonderful. i could do and be and say what i wanted to say when i had alcohol. i usually drank only at parties, which for a period of two years was 5days out of the week. i do drink to get drunk, and i only drink the hard stuff. i want to get drunk as soon as possible, because that is the whole point of drinking that nasty stuff. if you don't get drunk, what is the point. i blacked out once or twice, which was really scary. my mom had to call the ambulance once to get my stomach pumped because she thought i wasn't breathing. i was even raped once, because i had so much to drink i passed out at this guys house who i'd only met once on the sidewalk. it's funny i'd almost forgotten all this stuff. since then, i've calmed down. i am on my way to a computer engineering degree, i have my own apartment, a wonderful loving relationship, and some good close friends. i drink occassionally, and yes it's usually to get drunk though there have been many times when the occassion called for just one drink and i was able to do that and be fine, like not even think about it or crave it the next day. so i think i guess i'm not an alcoholic. BUT i'm addicted to this other substance. i've been off it for 2 weeks, and it's been terribly hard. i think about it constantly 24-7 and have strong cravings for it. i want to become an AA member because i don't want to go back to this other substance, and i know that if i drink alcohol i won't give a shit. so i have the desire to stop drinking alcohol. that's what the big book says, right. is that enough. can i honestly say i'm an alcoholic. thanks for listening
Member: David W
Location: Summit, NJ
Date: July 12, 2002
Time: 07:17 PM
David, alcoholic. Yongae, don't drink and go to meetings. Good luck, I think you are in the right place.
Member: T. Nesbit
Location: Florida
Date: July 12, 2002
Time: 10:43 PM
Wow. I am so glad to have found this forum. I'm 46 years old and have been an alcoholic for many years. A couple weeks ago, two things happened: I found Carolyn Knapp's book "Drinking: A Love Story," and passed out before feeding my dogs their dinner. That was the final straw. I called my immediate supervisor and the department director, as well as the president of the company (we're a small company... more like a family... and she'd seen me through a rocky time last year) and admitted to them that I had this problem. (Note to new people: Admitting it out loud to significant people in your life is a good first step. That way, it's out there... you can no longer say "oh no, my mistake, not a lush!") Well, I've failed miserably at quitting by myself. (Big surprise, eh?) I don't feel comfortable with the idea of AA meetings. First, the "God" part (I'm not a Christian)... and even more, the "group" thing. I'm extremely uncomfortable in groups of people. Heck, that's what started me on this rocky road... drinking in order to be able to socialize like everyone else! So, I'm glad to have found this option. I have contacted our company's EAP, and they're okaying me for initial counseling visits locally, so I can start seeing someone next week. Phew! I do have a question.... Has anyone heard of a program where the addict just sleeps at a clinic? I don't drink during the day, I can't take a lot of time off work, I have many animals to care for.... What I need is help at *night*... to be someplace where alcohol isn't available to me. I'm going to ask the counselor next week, but I'd be interested in seeing what you all think. Thank you, everyone, for your posts.... I see myself in so many of them. Steering, maybe a topic relating to treatment plans for some week? Thanks again...
Member: Tam N.
Location: Florida
Date: July 12, 2002
Time: 10:49 PM
Okay, I messed up on the signature..... Here's me. :) Tam (Yikes! The cat's out of the bag!)
Member: Curtis L
Location: Goliad, TX
Date: July 12, 2002
Time: 11:55 PM
Alkie named Curtis and I try to keep it simple. Page 30 in the BB "We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking" The operative word is CONTROL!!!!! I didn't have it. After six months of drinking at the ripe old age of 19, I knew I needed to CONTROL my drinking. The car wrecks and blackouts weren't acceptable. Fought the fight for 25 years and admitted defeat. Out of CONTROL. AA is my answer and the answers are in the BB. Loved all the posts above.
Member: John H
Location: British Columbia
Date: July 13, 2002
Time: 02:24 AM
Hello, Enjoyed reading many of the posts. Spent many meetings reminding myself that it was not that bad, but the seed had been planted. very fortunate that I have come to terms with the fact that I am an alcoholic as I, like many others have seen unfortunates pursue the idea that it was not that bad to the end. Very sad thing to see happen to another person.
Member: Michaela M
Location: France
Date: July 13, 2002
Time: 08:46 AM
Hi all I'm Michaela alcoholic and addict of more. I know I'm an alcoholic because I could never just have one glass of wine or one beer I had to finish that bottle or 4 pack of beers, which of course esculated into an 8 pack or 2 to 3 bottles of wine because the off license or supermarket had an offer on. It is only now that I am beginning to realise this though. Initially it was the shakes and physical withdrawal syptoms that told me how addicted I'd become and of course when, about 18 months ago I started drinking just to get through the day. I thought, when I was drinking that memory loss was just normal and quite funny for a while. Hey, most of my drinking friends had black outs. We even used to have a scale of 1 to 10 ranging from waking up with a slight headache and recalling most of the previous day to waking up fully clothed in someone elses house still feeling pissed and remembering nothing past your 3rd glass. It was just normal right?! I am now on my 63rd day of sobriety and have only this last Thursday been to my 1st face to face meeting. I've heard people with only 2 days sobriety talk of their experiences and share their feelings. This I have admired because for me the first 48 hours I did not, could not speak to anyone, see anyone or contemplate leaving the house because I was a paranoid, shivering wreck. So, to anyone who reads the pot but doesn't share and to anyone who has not yet been to a face to face meeting please try to do it because it really does work and nobody is going to stare at you or think you are strange or different they want to help you and genuinely thank you for being there.
Member: Jay L.
Location: Arizona
Date: July 13, 2002
Time: 11:16 AM
I had a lot of difficulty with the label of alcoholic for quite some time. My drinking seemed normal to me while in my 20's as I'd take a six pack with me in the car while on my way to a date's house to pick her up. I think that I was so uncomfortable with the whole dating thing, even back then, that I needed alcohol for the courage. In my 30's, drinking became a regular routine with the fellas at the end of the day. So by this time, I was drinking pretty much Tuesdays through Saturdays and getting drunk on most of those occasions. In my 40's, drinking became more of a necessity. As I bottomed out with my gambling over the last 5 or so years, my alcohol abuse really took off and I soon got to the point where I was unable to do most 'regular' tasks without drinking. Barbequeing, excercising, driving home from work were just a few of the activities that I needed a drink to help ease me through. When I got here, I had come to the point where I needed to drink because I clearly couldn't handle life by my own resources. I've learned that my alcoholism has much more to do with how I drink, but has everything to do with how I live my life. Thanks for the topic.
Member: Tam
Location: Florida
Date: July 13, 2002
Time: 02:03 PM
Another thought about topics for future discussion... perhaps comparing the types of AA meetings and what your experiences have been with them? For instance, I was talking with a co-worker who's 30 years sober, and she says AA meetings helped her immensely at the beginning. (Of course, she's more of a people person than I am. Heck, Howard Hughes was more of a people person than I am!) But it took her a while to find the right group. For instance, she tried a women only group, thinking she'd find help there, but everyone's concerns seemed different than hers.... lots of woes concerning children and relationships... which don't have anything to do with me.... Anyhow, just a thought.
Member: Don G.
Location: Olympia, Washington
Date: July 13, 2002
Time: 06:04 PM
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a great resource for answering most of one's questions regarding alcoholism and recovery. Chapter 3 (page 30 of the third edition) tells me "the idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy my drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker." "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery." I've been sober 16 years and I always find something new in the Big Book that pops out and helps me. Read Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism. In fact, if you haven't read it, start at the preface on page xi and read the first 164 pages. The Big Book doesn't define alcoholism, per se, as much as it "describes"the alcoholic. My suggestion(s) to you are 1) read chapter 3 slowly, study it, then 2) go to an AA meeting and ask the same question you asked here, then listen intently to someone that has a lot of years of sobriety as they share with you. Good luck and God Bless.