Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 05:24 AM
Morning all. I wanted to share this with you all. I had no problem with admitting I was powerless over alcohol when I first walked through the doors of AA but didn't feel I felt this in my heart, would always look for some excuse. I am 13 days sober and I know yesterday has gone but still feel I want to share this with you all. Last night I was able to admit from my heart that I was powerless over alcohol and my life had became unmanageable.The mental torture that I went through last night, it was like there were two people in my head fighting with each other, one the good one trying so much to be strong the other telling me to get to shop , get your self out of the meeting , go buy some booze, your not as bad as them etc I was in turmoil, but what it tought me was that social drinkers dont experience this , they can open a bottle and put the top back on, me I cant, I would drink till it was finsihed . So today I know in my heart that I am an alcoholic .Happy that I have cleared that up inside my head and will take a day a time ,perhaps differently, as I now know in my heart what I am. I know if I hadn't been at a meeting last night and came home and picked up a phone and chatted with another AA member I would have picked up that first drink,I am so thankfull for the fellowship and all my friends in it, thankyou for all your posts, it helps be greatly. Stephanie I need to move the clock :))and will keep posting :)) hugs to you all.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 10:08 AM
hi Diane here, day 33,>>>>> congratulations to you (LYN) on your 13 days sober and on figuring out that you are truly a alcoholic, for me I've known for a while, that I had problems with drinking. I would have some black outs, not many, but some, I also could not just drink, one drink and when I had stopped, awhile and would start back to drinking, I had to have my fix each night. Then, It began to take a few more >>drinks after time, to get to that point in my brain. It's kind of strange how our brain tries to reason with us that we are not really that bad of a alcoholic, but by what I've read and how I know (me) it don't matter how much or if we are skid row drunks it matters that we caught it in time before we get so bad we can't heal from this disease but we have to always know that we can not take even >>one<< drink cause that starts our chain reaction of drinking again Diane
Member: L-RAY
Location: SCOTLAND
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 10:22 AM
I think iwas convinced that i had a drink problem when i was back home in scotland lying on a bed in my mums spare bedroom! i had a business and a house and wife still in Hertsin England and at this time i knew that i was an alcoholic and i decided that i must do something about it , it never got these things back but i got sober and 16+ years later it was worth it! regards L-RAY ( UP THE CELTS)
Member: Kim V
Location: kvaughn@madison.main.nc.us
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 10:37 AM
Kim V here alcoholic. How do you know your an alcoholic maybe because you asked yourself the question. Nobody can decide if your an alcoholic but you. I know for me I stayed in denial a long time. Because I was a functing alcoholic I was able to rationalize things for a long time. Then because of my drug use I blamed everything on the drugs and thought I could still drink. Our sick thinking is what got us here. This program of AA requires honesty if we are to ever stay sober. I guess for me admitting I was an alcoholic came when I had enough emotional pain, enough consuqences that I could not rationalize away and when I came to the conclusion that things just wouldn't get better if I didn't stop and try something different because my way didn't work. I listened to the people of AA tell me that they found a way of life that worked and I was desperate enough to want what they had and I was WILLING to do ANYTHING THEY SUGGESTED to get it. And I did and it worked and I now live joyous, happy, and free. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Jan B.
Location: New York
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 10:50 AM
Hello all, Thanks (Stephanie Y) for your birthday wishes. Yesterday, was an interesting day. I was really down in the dumps, having to let go of my good friend Kendall Jackson. But it is funny today is my first day and it is like a weight as been lifted off my shoulders. Like this is the first time I really looked my disease in the face. But anyway, the first day is never the problem for me, just wait til like day 4, that is usually when my mind starts playing these games with me. I went to a counselor and I never forgot what he said. He said it is like the movie A Beautiful Mind - there will always be that voice in your head to drink. It will get weaker in time, but it will always be there. I also told him that it was extreamly hard and he said I worry more about the people who say it is easy. This counselor really pushed for me to go to AA, which as you all know I didn't. I plan on going - even if it is just to listen. There is something to be learned there, I know this now. Now for the topic, how do I know I am an alcoholic, first there is a test, I believe by John Hopkins that I took. Some just pass, I passed with flying colors. I think the requirement was four and I had checked waaaaayyy more than four. But to tell you the truth that wasn't why I thought I was an alcoholic. I have always drank a lot at parties, but one day, it came into my home. I am talking about alcohol. I really liked it better all alone, that bottle of wine to keep me company. Then I would be extreamly hungover, and I couldn't break the cycle. I have been depressed, sad, as I said I was spiriling down this hole. And it was getting darker and darker. This was different than when I used to go out on Friday nights. It was more of a daily thing. And it came into my thoughts. I obsessed about my problem in my mind, yet felt a sense of powerlessness to do anything about it. One day alcohol just took over, I can't say I know when it happened, I am guessing about four years ago. But I do know one thing, it doesn't get better. It got worse every year that pasted. I hope that this is the year I face this thing head on. Today I will stay sober, and I pray with as all of you do, that we continue on this path of sobriety.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 11:10 AM
Diane here hey Jan B Congratulations on day 1 glad to see you stayed with your commitment Diane
Member: Stephen H.
Location: Washington
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 11:18 AM
Hello everyone, I started my sobriety when the courts assigned me to alcohol treatment. I never thought that I had a problem because the only time I drink is when I am out with friends or trying to hook up with a female. See, I have been single for probably over four years and I used alcohol as an excuse to meet women. Now that I am not drinking I realize how much it affected my life. Somewhere around 60 days sober
Member: AZbill
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 12:18 PM
HI Bill here alcoholic from Arizona. The only person that can determine whether or not I am alcoholic or not is ME. Unfortunately, one of the symptoms of alcoholism is not believing we are. So, in our basic text and in Chapter Five it tells us that, the description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and out personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent idea, A. we were alcoholic; B. Probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism; C. God could and would if He were sought. As far as I know this precise information cannot be found elsewhere. The easiest method to determine whether we are alcoholic or not is to get a hold of the text "Alcoholics Anonymous", read the first four chapters and find out for yourself. If there is still doubt, there is a way you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking, Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you do decide..But only if you are honest with yourself. It might be worth it if you can find out the truth about you. Thanks Love ya, Bill; az-bill@mindspring.com
Member: Dennis K
Location: PA
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 02:12 PM
Hi, Dennis K here, alcoholic 67 days sober. I finally realized I was an alcholic (not just someone who liked to get drunk once in awhile) when I read about alcoholism being an alergy. Somehow, that finally made sense to me - I am alergic to alcohol! It's like being alergic to tree pollen or ragweed. Sometimes it isn't so bad, but other times it kicks your behind. I was a functional alcoholic, so never lost my job or family, but I wasn't worth much at work when I was hungover, and I made my wife mad at me and ashamed of me plenty of times. I used to think about what and how much I could drink so I could just be funny and cool, but not get drunk. Didn't work very often. I'd drink too much and do stupid things. I'd always have an excuse - something bad had happened and I was sad, or something good had happened and I was happy. When I finally realized I was alergic to alcohol and cold never be sure whether I could drink "just a little", I knew I would be much better off if I just didn't have any and didn't take the chance. Since that day, I have felt in control of myself and found life to be very good - different that with alcohol, but very good. Peaceful, happy, worthwhile is what it feels like now. Congratulations to you Lyn on 13 days. I hope the mental torture slows down for you. Diane, congraulations to you on 33 days. Keep remembering that 1st drink starts the chain reaction. And Jan B, congratulations on Day 1. Don't let that bad girl in your mind win the mind game today. A beautiful, sober 24 hours to everyone!
Member: Tracy
Location: Essex England
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 02:15 PM
Hi ((All)) a perfect alcoholic here, just heard a great share at a meeting, when your ego starts to rear its ugly head, put = signs in between you and the person you are conversing with, thought that was great tracy.v@ntlworld.com
Member: L-RAY
Location: somewere in Spain
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 03:20 PM
((((Lyn))))((((Diane))))((((Dennis K))))((((Stephen))))((((Jan B)))) well done your all doing great just have to convert you all to Celtic supporters! and you will be even better lol regards L-RAY
Member: Dave J
Location: nova scotia
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 03:29 PM
Hi friends,my name is dave and i am an alcoholic .i am celebrating 86 days sober with a glass of ice cold kool-aid.i can relate with lyn.when i entered the doors of AA 85 days ago i did not have the desire to be sober or to stop drinking.i went as far as trying to find loophloes in the AA program that would justify me taking a drink.(talk about being powerless over alcohol)with each passing day the desire to drink becomes weaker thanks to AA.sharing my experience and listening to others helps me through another day(thank you all).by the way,that loophole was covered at the next AA meeting.Keep Coming Back.
Member: Liam Brady
Location: Highbury nr Dagenham
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 03:34 PM
((Ray)) got to tell you something, I prefer Celtic to Rangers, i wind my hubby up telling him i am gonna buy a Celtic top and an irish top because i am half irish and guess what the other half is ....Scottish and this moring i bought my son the irish shirt!!!!!!! There i have made your day, thats all the people pleasing your get out of me this wk
Member: Pip
Location: London
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 03:53 PM
((L-Ray))Have a great dear friend in recovery, been out there in same company and now in recovery, support each other with anything,anything,well except one thing you, you Im a RANGERS supporter, all ready had the smug txts from him this afternoon,((lucky))is what i say. Thought id come here to get some peace and wisdom,know what thoughts did!!im off to C.Pot Love & Hugs ((Everyone))
Member: Trish K.
Location: So. California Desert
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 04:59 PM
Hi, I'm Trish a very greatful "recovering" alcoholic (143 days). I knew I was an alcoholic after about the first 6 years - in my mid-twenties. I was a functioning alcoholic - held a job, kept up an apartment, car, etc.... I missed work occasionally due to hang-overs, but never on Monday's or Fridays! Anyway the last two years (now I'm 42) things were getting more and more out of control. I was hung-over nearly every day -- swore off the stuff every morning and before I was in the door after work an hr. I had a beer in my hand -- this proceeded to last all night long and when I ran out of beer I "searched" for anything alochol - wine, gin, rum - that I could lay my hands on. I stopped for 9 months in 2000, but then the cunning, baffling, powerful disease came back and told me that I could handle myself now -- I had learned..... Yeah, the only thing I learned is that I can't have that first drink -- ever cause once I do --- it's all over. That's how I know that I am an alocholic and powerless over it and life becomes "unmanageable".....It all starts and ends with that first drink.
Member: Jon
Location: New Mexico
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 05:08 PM
Jon alcoholic, I believe you know you are an alcoholic when you start questioning the fact that you might need some help to quit. I don't think social drinkers go through those thoughts. I think I knew when I had been drinking the day before going through all the destuction,and all I could think about first thing the next morning was that one thing that would relieve the feelings of guilt,depression,and anxiety ,and sure enough I would rush to the store and buy another bottle. If you can relate then I thought to myself, casual drinkers don't do this. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock,Michigan
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 05:25 PM
Hi, everyone. This is my 2nd day sober in so long I can't even remember. I finally decided that I was an alcoholic the other night when I was in the jacuzzi getting totally smashed, as always. The urge to kill myself became as great as needing another drink. i convinced my self that because of my drug use, I could alternate the two and not be really hooked on either. WRONG, as always. This is not my first time in the program, but it is definantly the last. When I told my eight year old daughter last night that I was going to quit drinking beer for good, she looked at me and said "mommy, does that mean that you won't be drunk and we can go do some fun things together". I didn't even know that she knew what drunk meant. But she does, and very well. So I have to change, and I pray that we all will. But for today IM NOT GOING TO DRINK.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 06:25 PM
Diane here again and boy did I have some good reading material in todays post Thank you all and I can relate someone said you know your a alcoholic if you consider that maybe you need help getting off it well I considered that in my head and this site was my help (33 days) Diane
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 06:44 PM
Hi Diane here again, just had to say STEPAHNIE L <<<<< WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU>>>> I AM LOOKING FOR YOUR POST GIRL? I know Marsha said she would be gone but Step girl get on here and write your days down or just write Diane
Member: Stacy
Location: West Coast
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 07:02 PM
Wow! Great sharing today! (((All))). I have always known that I had the potential to be an alcoholic. On some level I have known all along that I shouldn't drink. I come from a long line of alcoholics. But that didn't prevent the disease from taking root in me. 4 years ago I became a stay at home Mom. 5 weeks after the birth of my first child my alcoholic Mom died from the disease. All too much for me. I picked up where my Mom left off. And it helped! Eased the pain, stress, fear, anxiety...everything! I was relieved! But that began to change. Alcohol became a preoccupation for me. I was functioning relatively well (arranging my life neatly around drinking). But 4 years into this "drinking romance" I realized that I was needing more and getting less relief. Troubles had emerged in my marriage and with my parenting ability. I was lying daily to myself and others. 22 days ago I came home from a party so f***in drunk it was disgusting. I was so sick the next morning that I couldn't care for my kids. I was on the floor in my bathroom thinking "Well, Stacy this is it. Your grand moment. Get some courage and tell your husband that you have a drinking problem and need help." And that is what I did. I called a friend (long time AA) and told him and he has given me counsel and instruction. I have been on a rollercoaster for 21 days! But I am happier with myself as a human being today. I am loving my family better today. Do I miss alcohol? Yes. Will I drink? No. It's simple. I pray that AA and my spiritual connection with God will continue to guide me through this process so I can enjoy life on levels that I have never ever dreamed of. I have rambled. God bless you all. Keep coming back.
Member:
Location:
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 07:12 PM
How so very true Trish.
Member:
Location:
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 07:20 PM
Congratulations Stacy your testimonial inspired me to try and quit. ty
Member: sonia
Location: UK
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 07:53 PM
Hello World I agonised for a long time over whether i was an alcoholic or not. As it would be such a shame for someone who loved alcohol as much as me to give up drinking if they didnt need to. Eventually i go to the point where i didnt care whether i was an alkie, i just wanted the shit to stop. Alcohol hurt me, was it sane to keep doing it. The wonderfull part is now i dont care if i am an alkie or not, because i dont need to drink, working the steps helps keep some sort of peace in my life and i have expereinced feelings that you just cant get out of a bottle. If there were a blood test today, to find the definitive answer as to whether i was an alkie or not, i wouldnt take it. I like my life just as it is. love and lightening sonia
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 08:04 PM
(( Diane)) Stephanie here- I was (and still am) reading today's posts when I came across you asking for me- Thank you so much- I honestly have tears in my eyes- It feels so good to feel wanted!- Day 19 today Diane- and I am having such a hard time! Why? Maybe because tomorrow I have an "alcohol assesment" at the hospital- something my medical Dr. wants before she'll perscribe any perscriptions- maybe because- I really don't know- let me send this so you know I've made it through the day xoxoxo
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 08:27 PM
Wow! so many new friends here today- I better not lose any of you (Diane, Tracy, Stacy, Lyn, Jan B) I almost feel if I lose you- I'll lose myself! You all keep me going:) Thank you so much!!! Welcome to all the new names today- it's wonderful to know I'm not alone----
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 08:29 PM
Jennifer M, where are you? Emma, you with us too? Marsha- I've missed you-Stephanie 19 days
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 08:35 PM
((Tracy))Congratulations 101!!!Yes!!! ((Diane)) Congratulations 33 !!! Yeah!!! ((Stacy)) Congratulations 21, 3 weeks!!! Yippee!!! Everyone--- WE CAN DO THIS!!! Hugs
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 08:39 PM
(( Jan B)) See you for day 2 tomorrow- stay strong, you can do it, you REALLY can!!! (((Lyn))) See you for day 14 tomorrow- what a wonderful feeling, huh? Take care
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 09:38 PM
Did I scare everybody away? Well, saying good-night if you want to come back (lol) Good luck, God Bless
Member:
Location:
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 09:54 PM
Stephanie go to a meeting!
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 10:01 PM
glad you came back on today Stephanie I did truly miss your energetic post they make my day. Also to read each person saying how many days they got going for them oh my Daughter made up with me so I am feeling better tonight but Son still not home but he is grown up so I am working hard to not be upset and worried but sometimes it's very hard. But I'm very very happy that I now can worry sober, it makes it much more clear now and I don't stress out all night long and stay up. I can actually sleep now Diane
Member: Greg S.
Location: Okawville, IL, USA
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 10:03 PM
"Non-alcoholics don't lay in bed @ 4:00 in the morning wondering if they"re alcoholics"-anonymous. Hey everyone, thanks for your experience, strength, & hope. Day 4 walkin' with HP for me today.Even the longest journey begins with a single step. Glad I asked HP for the courage to take it...
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 10:12 PM
Congratulations on your 4th day Greg
Member: Jan B.
Location: New York
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 10:22 PM
Hello all - Goin to bed - made it through day one. The scary thing was my obsession with the thought of drinking all day, I came to the realization that I need to get help as soon as possible. I asked my boyfriend this morning, do you think I need AA? - He said he didn't think I was that bad. Funny, what does "that bad" really mean. I guess, I was wanting him to say "yes honey, by all means go." That person in me that looks for approval from others. He doesn't know, he isn't an alcoholic. Oh, but he did tick me off a little today. We went out for a round of golf and he said on the way home, I think there is a Guinness in the refrigerator...Do you mind if I have it? HELLO.... it is my first day! Well I knew it wasn't there because I dumped all alcohol before I went to bed last night. Except one bottle of wine in case we have company, and when I got up this morning, I said who the heck am I kidding, and I dumped that too. I felt it was a little insensitive to ask. I guess I need a little heart to heart - because he certainly doesn't know how bad it was. Maybe I was better at hiding it than I thought I was! Well I just watched my two favorite shows, The Sopranos and Six Feet Under and am hitting the sack.... Sober..... Now here is hoping I sleep. I had trouble with that on past attempts. Talk to ya tomorrow. Thanks for all your encouragement - Stephanie, L-Ray, Di, Dennis.... I can see I am going to start keeping track of names. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Jan
Member: Patty B
Location: Austin TX
Date: April 27, 2003
Time: 10:50 PM
I knew I was an alcoholic when I gave up sugar in another 12 step program and realized the hardest part of being abstinent there would be not drinking alcohol. So eventually I just started drinking again. I knew it in my heart long before that. I remember my mom saying when I was young..very young..that she could have been an alcoholic if she could have just afforded it. HA! We all know we can get alcohol by hook or by crook, and look at all the homeless drunks. Maybe she meant she couldn't have afforded having someone watch over her 8 children while she was soaking in booze? Hmm. I remember how special I felt the first time I was old enough to have wine on special occasions. Sick. The memory makes me sick now. But not judging my family, nobody poured it down my throat but me. When I knew I needed help with my disease I was lying in bed after having blacked out for awhile..sheesh I thought I'd been "sleeping", now I realize I'd simply passed out in all likelihood...anyways I'm reviewing all the steps I've basically taken with one foot (maybe just the big toe even, sometimes the pinky toe!) in that other program and the other out in the world..drinking and pretending it was okay. And it didn't taste good and it didn't work right. And I was going to different liquor stores to hopefully avoid someone mentioning how frequently they saw me. Good grief. Thanks to my HP and all the people who've gone before me who paved the way..and thanks for 4 days of btb sobriety. Sorry for the lengthy post, y'all. *hugs to all the posters here!* Patty
Member: cb
Location: lorain ohio
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 12:12 AM
to got eigth months today 3.5 year all today god plese give me the program today big book 3and 4 this time tostay today sticky wright in the one day at a time more move on today was good day god bless my higher power amen good night.TO COULD BE HAPPYER TODAY . higher power amen.
Member: cb
Location: lorain ohio
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 12:12 AM
to got eigth months today 3.5 year all today god plese give me the program today big book 3and 4 this time tostay today sticky wright in the one day at a time more move on today was good day god bless my higher power amen good night.TO COULD BE HAPPYER TODAY . higher power amen.
Member: cb
Location: lorain ohio
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 12:16 AM
to got eigth months today 3.5 year all today god plese give me the program today big book 3and 4 this time tostay today sticky wright in the one day at a time more move on today was good day god bless my higher power amen good night.TO COULD BE HAPPYER TODAY . higher power amen.
Member: Sue S
Location: Washington
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 12:38 AM
Non-alcoholics never, but never, but never wonder if they might be alcoholics. Go ahead, ask one and look for the startled look in their eyes. The problem is, we alcoholics can go for years with our private thoughts and fears and questions all alone in our heads. (Most alcoholics function fairly well out in the world, as we have a motive - that no one find out what we worry about in our private moments and god forbid we give up our best friend, which we might have to do if we ever told anyone what we were thinking.) Go ahead, tell someone. Find out what alcoholism really is. Most people only think they know. The life you save will be your own. Thank heavens for honesty, a higher power, and the recovery program of AA, in that order.
Member: Liz S.
Location: florida/france
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 02:25 AM
hi all and congrats on your days. a day at a time. i know i'm an alchoholic because when i start to drink there is no inner voice that says "whew, i've had enough" or "better stop now, gotta drive home" or "maybe i shouldn't go home with this stranger" or "perhaps i shouldn't go to this club because i have to work in the morning".....i know i'm a drunk because i can instantly change my perception of reality simply by taking a drink as opposed to "civilians" who just take the edge off. i know i'm a drunk because when i drank, i consistantly did things i would never do in my right mind, sober. i know i'm a drunk because i dream, on occasion, about drinking and am horrified, petrified, that i did so and i KNOW for a fact that non alchoholics don't dream about drinking. i know i'm a drunk because i drank too much, too often, and had toxic hangovers. i know i'm a drunk because after not drinking at day at a time for six years now, and working the Steps to the best of my ability, i have the life i only dreamed of, sitting on a barstool for most of my adult life. not drinking really works for me whereas drinking, clearly, did not. i know i'm an alchoholic because alchohol is bigger, more cunning, more baffling, more sinister, more powerful, than me. good luck to you all, keep coming back, L
Member: Tracy
Location: Essex England
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 08:05 AM
((Sue,Liz)) great shares i can relate word for word, and have been having acceptence problems, after 102 days sober, but that really keeps me in acceptence reading shares like that, and yeah i have asked my husband if he ever has had a drunk dream and he did look wide eyed and confused, and then i asked him if he ever feels guilty after a drink and that to was like asking him can he put to the moon to get a pint of milk, total confusion, his never felt guilt assoicated with alcohol in his life, how sick am i, i just thought well your not drinking right then . very sad but true tracy.v@ntlworld.com
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 09:11 AM
Hi Diane here day 34 sober, hey Jan B way to go! now you can say day 2 today. Believe me I understand completely, about how it ticked you off about your boy friend wanting a drink while you are trying so hard to not drink. When we got my Son out of rehab he informed me he did not have a drinking problem and wanted to buy a bottle. Well I had at that time just told him I had been sober 22 days but he still bought some. He knows I am a Alcoholic but he had his Dad buy it anyway and the chain reaction of having it in my Home made my husband wants some, so he bought some that night too. I was very upset inside but just went my room, got on my computer and pulled up this board and I did get through it but it was hard. Then about 3 days or so later he got more. But We have not had any booze in my Home now in over a week, I had told my husband the next morning that I resented him drinking, but I did not fight with him over it, now my husband has not bought any at all so my HP is watching over me today Thanks Diane
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock, MI
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 09:17 AM
Day 3, Still Clean. But Im very fusterated. Im having a really hard time finding things to do with all my spare time. I slept really good last night, and felt so refreshed today. FOR TODAY IM NOT DRINKING, one day at a time
Member: Tracy
Location: Essex England
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 09:22 AM
((Cyndi)) sorry just read your post, when i first decided that the pain of drinking ain't gonna go away, and i ain't gonna change unless i change,and decided there and then from more blcakout postion from the 24 hours before, i told my daughters that mummy drunk to much beer again, so they said, mum bet you can't can't not drink for the rest of the yr, and they said this with such pleading in their eyes, just waiting for me to say ok bets on, believing that once and adult takes a bet they must mean it, that shame i felt was the last push i needed to get me out that bed and to AA that evening, funny thing is after 101 days sober they have been so good and at ease with me and thereselves that i feel they haven't got to many long term damage, but my son who is 15, is very angry at me, i only found this out on friday, he doesn't even relise it, but it was just a conversation we were having that i could see the anger in him, i felt scared that i the so called better then most mums, has infact damaged one of her children , how can this be, a fact i have got to accept. tracy.v@ntlworld.com
Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 09:39 AM
Hi All, A beautiful Monday morning to everyone! It was so inspiring to read all your shares and can relate to all of them. My Big Book Step Study Sponsor says that after taking the first 5 people through step 4 she realized that we are all the same deep down with just different stories. It does not matter how we got here but that we are here and getting better. I knew I was an alcoholic since 1990 when I drank every day and started to fail every survey on drinking. I chose the path of denial and went 6 years until I went into my first rehab. It kept me sober with AA meetings for 6 months. When I picked up again the progressive part of the disease kicked in. I went out drinking for 6 more years. I was a (had to lose it all) drunk and the last 3 years that is what I did. Not that it was easy but if you choose to drink yourself to death it takes time and lots of money. You also lose everything dear to you. I ended up holed up in my house shutting out the world completely except from the portal of my computer. I did not even know about the World Trade Center disaster until I made my daily jaunt to the Liquor Store. My world was small and flat and gray and I liked it that way. ((Today)) thanks to God, a power greater than myself and with the help of AA I am a sober woman. The last 7 months have been a gift from God. God is doing what I could not do for myself on a daily basis. I just meet him halfway... {Willingness}. Every day is full of (God Shots) when I am sober and open to them. Last week was amazing and I can't believe all the wonderful things that were laid at my feet. The Promises are coming true for me this time because I embrace the program of AA the way a drowning man grabs a life preserver. The other thing is I am doing it for me and no one else this time. AA is a selfish program and it needs to be. My sobriety comes first before my own son and I had a hard time grappling with that one. If I'm dead I can't be here for him or anything else. I was about as close to taking a dirt nap as there is. For all the newcomers here my only advice is to get to a face to face meeting and get a sponsor and follow suggestions. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly you will get better and it will grow until you can stand on your own and get your self-respect back. My neighbor saw me putting out my rubbish this morning and said he doesn't know what it is but I radiate lately. I just smiled knowing its my sobriety. Everyone have a great week and just for today lets not drink! Kelly
Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 09:55 AM
Hey ((L-Ray)), Forgot to mention my son and I are big Celtics fans! Basketball that is. We watched the Celts beat the Pacers yesterday and can't wait till the rematch. Paul Pierce made Celtic history scoring 31 points in the second half, that guy has heart! My dream is to take my son to a game in Boston and wear my green jersey proudly displaying #34! GO CELTS!!!
Member: JULES M
Location: FL
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 10:18 AM
HI EVERYONE, I'M JULES AND THANKS TO THE JUDGE AND MY HIGHER POWER I AM SOBER AND HAPPY TODAY. I KNOW I AM AN ALCOHOLIC BECAUSE WHEN I MEET SOME FRIENDS AT THE BAR I FIND I DONT KNOW HOW TO LEAVE AND LATER REGRET IT OR DON'T REMEMBER HOW I GOT HOME,HOW LONG I STAYED OR MUCH OF THE NIGHT AT ALL. MY SELF CONFIDENCE THINKS I REMEMBER BUT TRUELY I DIDN'T. I NOW HAVE A NEW CAREER AND SEE PEOPLE WHO USE DAILY ALL THE TIME AND I KNOW IF I HADN'T GOTTEN CAUGHT I WOULD BE THEIR TOO. I THANK GOD FOR TODAY AND MY 6 MONTHS OF SOBRIETY. I LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME. LOVE MY JOB AND DON'T FEEL BAD GOING TO WORK. I HAVE MET SOBER PEOPLE AND DON'T HANG OUT WHERE I SHOULDN'T. LIFE IS TO PRECIOUS TO LIVE IT IN A FOG. THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE. JULES IN FLORIDA
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock, MI
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 11:02 AM
Cyndi again. Gosh, I just told a few of my co-workers that I was coming back into the AA program. How embarrasing. Ever wonder why we torture ourselves this way. Im really stressed out at work today, and very busy, but Im keeping this screen open, because every post reminds me that I'm not the only one in the world with problems, and feeling sorry for myself gets me no where.
Member: Jenn C
Location: NJ
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 11:59 AM
Today is day ONE for me. How do I know I'm an alcoholic? Same as all of you, once started can't stop, blackout all the time, have a route of 5 different stores so I don't appear to be a frequent flyer. That I actually obsess about creating the illusion of being a casual drinker. Nondrunks don't do that!!!! Problem is that I have known deep down for a while- but the people around me don't like the label of alcoholic, I suppose it complicates matters for them. Stop drinking and face the embarrassment or keep drinking and live with my own private shame. For me, it is no longer a choice. I am an alcoholic. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Sue
Location: in Seattle
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 12:29 PM
Dear Jenn, my experience was that I felt just like you (stop drinking and face the embarassment or keep drinking and live with my own private shame), but I was....ummm...I was just wrong. Where I thought there would be scorn, there was support. Where I thought there would be embarassment, there was only relief, like a giant burden lifted. I was really, really surprised. And please keep reading and posting because unfortunately, we have to live with more than our own private shame; the disease gets worse and there came a time for me when private shame was the least of it. Although I do believe now that private shame is soul-killing and spirit-destroying and takes up so much room that the whole world seems black. Please keep coming back.
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock, MI
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 12:38 PM
Let go and let god, thats how I get through everyday! Its not easy. But god didn't put us in an easy world.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 12:43 PM
way to go Jean that is the start when we finally see we have the problem so I'll be watching for your post good for you Cyndi, oh this is Diane day 34 and having a great Day today, I have a very smart sweet older sister that really made my day she is a wise lady Diane
Member: GG
Location: OOB Maine
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 03:23 PM
Hi everyone, I appreciated reading everyone's comments and could relate to many. Alcohol is a problem for me and I am ashamed of it. I drink the weekends away and spend most of the week recovering. I hold a job and work all day so when I have time off I rarely accomplish what I have planned to due to alcohol. I've gone to a couple of AA meetings but didnt' seem to get it. I thought I could stop drinking on my own but am only successful for a period of time. As soon as I am feeling physically great, I start again. I'm lost and don't know what to do. I come from a large family and most of them all drink and it's the only way we know how to be together and relate. How do I get out of this trap I've been in for most of my life. I am 50 yrs old and I am sad and confused over this situation. I can't deal with the struggling over it much more. I feel so alone in my world and wish I had someone who could really help me. Thanks for listening. GG
Member: Julie P.
Location: Iowa
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 04:07 PM
Hi everyone, I have read some great stuff! I can relate to so much. I am an alcoholic and an addict and they are pretty much the same thing. Everything you all feel I have gone through too. One of my biggest problems is thinking that since I'm not using my drug of choice that maybe I can just drink. Well I've tried it and it doesn't work. It leads me right back to where I started. So I stick close to AA and I am so glad you guys are here! And on the topic of how I knew,I think I always knew I was an alcoholic it runs in the family and I have drank since I was 11 my first blackout drunk was at 12 and I guess I always struggled with trying not to drink so much. I was 25 before I ever seriously tried to quit though. I'm now 34 and have 69 days clean and sober! It has been up and down sometimes but I have faith I will make it with the help of God, AA , and people like you all! Love and God Bless~Julie
Member: Trey M
Location: TX
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 04:48 PM
Hey, everyone! Trey here, alcoholic. Got drunk for the first time when I was 18, and I remember thinking to myself, "I was born to drink." How strange that it was true. I had a killer tolerance from the beginning. I was always one of the last people standing at parties and bars. I knew I was an alcoholic because I paid attention to the time (serving ends at 2am in TX), and I was always at the bar around 1:45 am ordering several drinks for myself. I did the same thing every night: 9pm the liquor stores close, 12am the stores stop selling beer/wine, 2am the bars stop serving. I built my schedule around these *sacred* hours. When drinking with friends I always kept an eye on the level in the bottle, and was first to volunteer to make a run. I also spent many nights wondering if I was an alcoholic ... the blackouts, fights, etc didn't seem to weigh into the equation. I finally made a connection ... "bad things happen to me when I drink. I cannot have just ONE drink. I cannot imagine NOT drinking." My life started to make more sense once I realized that I was powerless over alcohol. The scariest thing to me today is that it is possible for me to FORGET that I am an alcoholic. I forgot in September of 2002, and it took me six months to "remember" again. Today I realize that the first drink gets me drunk because I have an obsession of the mind coupled with an allergy of the body ... in short, I am an alcoholic. 42 grateful days of sobriety.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 05:48 PM
Trey good share and congratulations on your 42 days sober your ahead of me 34 days here Di
Member: Mike D
Location: Colorado
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 06:23 PM
I'm Mike, and I am an alcoholic. I don't like saying that. First day sober. I am terrified, really. It's awful, but I've been able say anyone else has this issue but me. I am really ashamed of myself. I feel alone and very unhappy with myself. I do not want to drink anymore.
Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 07:01 PM
14 days today ,this is probably the longest time 4 years that I never lifted a drink in my life, feeling a bit down tonight so have taken a prescribed sleeping tablet and hope to feel better in the morning,the Mental Torture I went through over the weekend has faided, just very slightly,it tires me out all the arguing going on in my head and thats why I have decided that I should just sleep.I guess over the past 4 years I knew I was an alcoholic but would never admit this to myself.I was pensioned off from my job due to illness and for many months became a recluse, due to this illness.This is when the drinking increased and over the 4 years things progressivley got worse, much worse, it was last Saturday night when for the fist time I was able to admit from my heart that I was an alcoholic and completly powerless over alcohol.The mental Torure was just what it says, thats when I stopped and thought to myself social drinkers dont go through this, they can put the cork back on the bottle, thats something I cant do, I would finsh what I had and If I could, go and get more. Thanks for all your posts, no matter what I am working on, on my pc I always keep this window open and keep checking for new posts, hope to post more tomorrow,going to bed sober and I am so thankfull for that, but it aint easy as we all know
Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 07:52 PM
Hello Mike Dont feel ashamed or alone,one day sober,be proud, thats all we can do A Day at a time, keep coming back Mike, we all share and help each other here, you will be in my thoughts , I was where you are 13 days ago, stay with us Mike.It does get better.
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 08:51 PM
Stephanie here, 20 days today- this is a topic that would (but I won't- don't worry)take atleast 6 pages for me. I went to the "crisis" center today for an alcohol assesment- I was told not only to stick with the AA meetings, but to get a sponser and some serious one on one counseling- she says in order for "alcoholics" to stay sober you need to understand how addiction works, why you ended up with it- so on and so forth- 2 hours- on and on and on- so I guess I'll make an appointment for this counsler thing and hope it helps- this is a truly depressing disease- but I've made it this far and I can't go back- To everyone- CONGRATULATIONS, God doesn't worry about whether it's one day, one year, even five years- what he CARES about is YOU- and you have done the greatest thing for yourself- you have put one foot in front of the other- you're on your way to a wonderful sober life- Stick to it, you are so worth it:)
Member: Greg S.
Location: Okawville, IL, USA
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 09:18 PM
Hey all, I'm Greg & I'm an alcoholic. Mike, GG, Jenn, all the others taking the 1st step...welcome home. 90 meetings in 90 days is what they suggest. The feelings of shame admitting I was an alcoholic showed me how tenaciously I was clinging to self-will & denial.Fooling nobody but myself. Now, instead, I try to think of it in terms of honesty & acceptance, and that helps me.Now, it's like saying, yeah, I've got diabetes. I know my will leads to Insanity & Death, but that working the steps in the Fellowship of AA, learning to turn my life & my will over to the care of my Higher Power works & saves me from myself. Spiritual progress, not perfection. Thank you all for your experience, strength, and hope...
Member: Jan B.
Location: New York
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 09:21 PM
Boy I got thrown for a loop tonight. I failed a paper in my masters. It really stung. I thought about how some wine could really help that pain and said to myself I would only feel worse tomorrow. It is so hard, especially when you work so hard and get smacked in the face with a horrible grade for something you worked so hard on. Well I made it through today. Just another reason I know I am an alcoholic. So many disappointments I have had I just drank myself through it. People who don't have a problem don't deal with things that way. Yes, they get bummed out without having to have a bottle or more of wine. I so wanted to retreat to the store for that bottle. But it wouldn't change my grade, only my life. Thanks for listening. Talk to you all tomorrow. Day 2 and I am still here.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 10:04 PM
way to go Jane and Stephanie 20 days your doing great, >>>>>GG girl I've been there done that, all my sisters drink but once you decide that your life is worth not drinking and set your mind to it and they say go to meetings but I've not been to a meeting yet. I use this board and Al-Anon chat rooms if I need it to understand my disfuctional family lol I talk to my God a lot and he gives me strength but I do hear AA meetings are the best way to go oh also http:www.unhooked.com has some very good information to read on our addiction problem. I am 51 so close to your age what makes me want to stay off the booze is my health, I want to be healthy and not die early. My Children, my Grand Children and Mom and Dad and my family. I like ME so much better when I'm sober <<<GG>>> keep coming back, it works if you work it Diane
Member: Greg S.
Location: Okawville, IL, USA
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 10:51 PM
Hi everyone, I'm Greg, & I'm an alcoholic. I consider this post/forum to be every bit as good as attending an AA meeting in person - in some ways, better, as it is truly anonymous, and people who who have difficulty talking in front of a group ftf can share their experience, strength, & hope w/out that added fear. I consider spending an hour or 2 here every day = attending a meeting. Like you said, Diane, it works if ya' work it !! Keep coming back, everyone, and thanks for your experience, strength, & hope...
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 11:02 PM
yes your right Greg I use this site as my meeting and I read all the post and it does really help me so much 34 days sober Diane
Member: JimM
Location: Sunny California
Date: April 28, 2003
Time: 11:58 PM
I think I knew for years that I was an alcoholic, but what finally put it in writing was waking up every single morning at 3am with "night sweats" and thinking I had three more hours to lay there at the edge of the pit before I had to get up. And so , today I am grateful
Member: Stacy
Location: West Coast
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 03:55 AM
What an amazing week on this site! Hi, Stacy, 22 days. Congratulations to all of the new people on this site. You will find so much support and love here. Keep coming back. We need each other. Just got back from a fancy event at the Beverly Hilton honoring Barry Manilow. My family and friends all enjoyed their cocktails. First time I can recall NOT drinking at one of these events. 2 opened bottles of wine sat before me (nearly full bottles) the entire evening. In the old days I would have been overjoyed - I'm the only one here drinking the stuff!! I noticed that initially it bothered me having all of that free flowing booze around, but as the night moved on I began to notice that I was enjoying myself on diet coke and coffee (who can sit still during Copacabana!). And driving home safely for once! What a blessing! I cried when I saw that I inspired someone (no name listed) on this site. We are all helping each other here. Keep coming back.
Member: Nadine C,
Location: Cocoa, Florida
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 05:10 AM
Hello everybody,enjoyed my meeting tonight with all of your postings.I knew I was an alcoholic,when I got honest with myself that I couldn't drink just one drink and stop.I always drank until I passed out,and I had many blackouts before I would pass out. My Husband and Chilren would tell me stuff I did and said and I didn't remember doing or saying those things,then I finally realized I am an alcoholic.All of you with just one day or whatever,under 1 year,I'm so very proud of you and will remember you in my prayers. Take it one day at a time and the days turn into years,trust me I know,as I now have 22 years and its like I just got sober yesterday,I still have to take it a day at a time,as this disease is cunning and baffeling like the big book says. A old timer told me in the beginning that if I didn't pick up the first drink then I would't get drunk.That sounded so simple never thought of it till he said it,thats why they say stick with the winners,the old timers with lots of soberity.That's why I post here hoping I help someone as much as you have helped me.Yes its a early sobriety meeting, but maybe I can share my experience,hope,and strength with all of you.Its still one day at a time reprieve from alcohol and I still thank my God every night for another days sobriety.
Member: Vee
Location: Midwest
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 07:31 AM
I pop in here weekly to be reminded of Steps 123, the "Give Up" steps, and this topic really reaffirms so much for me. Today, having strung together more than 365 24 hrs. sober, I am grateful that I experienced alcoholism because it led me to this wonderful Program for Living, and is spreading into many facets of my life. I keep studying how to live through the steps and all lessons are valuable.
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 08:42 AM
Stephanie 21 days- Yeah!!! 3 weeks!!! Will go to my meeting today and hope it helps- been a little frustrated. Just for today I will NOT give in to what brought me here in the first place:) Good luck everyone-
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 09:12 AM
Good morning everyone-Marsha here an alcoholic-17 days sober. When did I know I was an alcoholic? I knew I was-- when I wanted to stop drinking and couldn't-- and then made excuses to myself why I didn't. I have just returned from Florida. I drove my parents back to Michigan from their winter home. It was tiring but I spent some great hours with my Mom and Dad that I will be glad to remember. I didn't think about drinking until I got home. It was like a trigger. I felt in a panic. Today I am going to write a list of "buttons". I was really taken off guard but that only reinforced in me that I am an alcoholic. I am so glad that you are still here for me. Thanks for listening.
Member: Tracy
Location: England
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 09:41 AM
Good afternoon ((All)), I am so grateful today, for the acceptence i finally felt at 4 am this morning, it just laid itself on me, boy it feels so relaxing, and i feel so at ease with it nowk, i thank god he answered my prayers, to who ever may be struggling today, have faith and sick with it, it works. tracy.v@ntlworld.com
Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 10:06 AM
Hey((Tracy)), It has been so nice reading you here the past few months and seeing you work your tail off to get sober. I like your honesty and diligence, U GO GIRL! I'm off to a Noon meeting and can relate to your gratefulness. It does come... that feeling of peacefulness when we let go and let God. God Bless, Kelly
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 10:07 AM
good morning all, Diane here day 35 sober Welcome back Marsha L glad you made it without drinking. way to go Stephanie you got 3 weeks now on your belt of sobriety. I must now force myself to go make my breakfast or I'll be off my schedule, read some great post and again thank you Nadine for you post and Greg also and many more good post I use this board morning and night. Morning to get a good start and Night time helps me get through the want to drink part. But I have to admit it is getting so much easier now with each day passing I won't drink for today Diane
Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 10:17 AM
Oops, Forgot to say Hi Diane. Way to go on 35 days! Marsha glad your trip went well and a trigger list is a good thing. I have one thing that bothers me more than triggers me. It's seeing people leaving the bars with that glow on and kind of stumbling but trying hard to appear not drunk. It makes me remember that feeling. (((Gage))) where the heck are ya? I would love to hear you weigh in on this! Everyone have a great day.... Kelly
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 10:30 AM
(Steph-Diane-Kelly)Thanks for acknowledging me. It means alot to have people that really understand me in my corner. Thanks everybody.
Member: Tracy
Location: England
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 11:42 AM
((Marsha)) as someone said to me, your an alcoholic, its natural to think of drinking, but as long as thats where it stays, a thought, and you don't act on it. ((Kelly M))thank you, it means a lot!! tracy.v@ntlworld.com
Member: Stacy
Location: West Coast
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 12:42 PM
Stacy, 23 days. ((Marsha)), I really appreciate what you wrote about "triggers". I'm becoming very aware of them. I should write them down. My drinking time was mostly late afternoon, early evening. When the kids wake from naps and I'm getting dinner ready, and when the sun is setting. That's a tough time for me. I probably need to go for a walk or check this site at those times. ((Stephanie)) congrats. We're almost at 30 days. Looking forward to the chip. How are you doing today? Thank you ((Nadine)) for your E, S & H.
Member: Mike D
Location: Colorado
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 12:54 PM
I'm back, and I'm thankful for my second sober day. I'm not feeling so alone. I'm not so ashamed. I realize that in addition to my own alcoholism, I am the adult survivor of alcoholic parents. I realize that the odds were loaded in this diseases favor for a long time. What makes me a bit angry, is that I knew I was an alcoholic before I ever started drinking. What makes me happy is how in 24 hours my 'family' has wrapped themselves around me like a hug. I am very lucky. I know that I am a good person when I don't drink. I deserve to be happy. I am so glad I found this room. I had no idea that meetings were online. I will be going to in person meetings, but for right now this works for me. I'm feeling a bit fragile, and I want to thank you all for being on the other side of my Mac.
Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 12:57 PM
Great question. I agree with a lot of what has been said... if you are even asking yourself, then something is up. On the highway of alcoholism there are LOTS of road signs telling you the bridge ahead is out. Hopefully you will stop before your bottom gets too deep. But as long as you are still breathing, there is a way back for everyone. No matter what you have done, or how far down you got, there is a way back. God promises us that. My bottom came after I tried some controlled drinking. I figured it was not a slip if the Big Book actually suggested I do it if I were in doubt. Now you need to understand that I never said to myself, "I am just going to have 1." I always said, "I am just going to have 4." And then I would end up having 8-10, wake up at 3:00 a.m. after the booze wore off and kick my self in the ass until 4:00 a.m. then sleep till morning. This went on for about 10 years. Back to my controlled drinking experiments. I went to a party, had just one drink. The rest of the night the bottle called my name. As I lay in bed that night, the bottle called my name. But I had successfully gone out and had just one drink, and as a result, I had a completely miserable evening. I didn't know what cravings were, I just knew that if work and family commitments didn't get in the way, I would rather have a buzz than not have a buzz. Then after a few months sober I tried the controlled drinking again. Life was just going too good for me and I guess I wanted to screw it up. I bought a bottle (couldn't go to a bar or party this time, as those close to me know I am in the program). I came home told myself I was, "Just going to have 1." After my one drink of a carefully measured shot, I thought, "Well that really wasn't one drink, I mean most bars pour more than one ounce into a drink." So I justified another drink. Then without even thinking about it, I was on my knees reaching under the workbench where I hid my booze, fishing out the bottle for drink number 3. The sound of the glass bottle as it scraping against the cement floor brought me out of my...hypnotic state is what it felt like...and I thought, "Damn, I failed the controlled drinking test...again!" I then poured the booze down the drain or else it would have called my name all night. Only you can answer this question. And I believe we drink as much and for as long as we need to in order to make into the rooms. Given the suffering that causes, it is not real fair, but most diseases are not real fair. Peace
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Falt Rock, MI
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 01:52 PM
Cyndi here, 4th day clean. It's a lot harder today because I keep telling my self that because I went four days, im really not an alcoholic. I know its not true because as soon as I pick up that next drink, not only will I feel guilty but I think I'd loose all the self worth I have left, which isn't much right now. I read the posts and notice that all the newcomers on the first couple of days clean feel ashamed, helpless and just plain awful. I fell you all, this is not my first time in the program, so I know that admitting that your an alcoholic is the hardest thing in the world, not just to others but to yourself. Hang in there guys, WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER. Just for today I WILL NOT DRINK. One day at a time
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock, MI
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 02:01 PM
If anyones interested in talking or you just need a friend, please e-mail me. I could use some friends myself right now. candrews@marinepollutioncontrol.com
Member: neil s.
Location: suffolk, england
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 04:24 PM
great posts everyone, hello, neil here, alcoholic from england, at least for 2 more months, i have been on/off the alcohol wagon (more on than off) since 30 sep 02, got on several on-line AA groups, it just wasn't doing enough for me, did step 1,2 & 3, still not enough, so i ventured out to some "non" AA sites, some i still associate with, others were very "freaky" to me, i was never an everynight drinker, but when i did drink it was "ALL" or nothing, then after a while it was everynight, until my wife would chime in and mention that i have been drinking too much, so it would go back to weekends only, i have tried f2f meetings but felt that my "story" wasn't good enough, but have came to the conclusion that i AM an alcoholic, and i NEED AA, AA can give me far more than the other sites can, again thanks for your shares and congrats to everyone, JUST FOR TODAY !!
Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 07:21 PM
Thanks for all your posts, I get so much help from them, This is day 15 for me and am going to bed withoug having to lift a drink tody, so thankfull for that. Went to a differnet AA meeting this afternoon with an old friend, it was good to meet more new friends ,like myself, we have so much in common and to be able to talk to some one thats knows exactly what you are going through helps me greatly.The mental torture that I was telling you all about at the weekend had faded slighty , Im sat here at my desk with a glass of juice, happy that I can get off to bed soon now! Saturday night when my head was at its worst, it felt like the devil was there, thats the only way I can describe this, telling me to do all sorts of things rather than stay where I was, I was at a AA meeting, a few of the members took me aside at the end of the meet and tried to explain to me what the experiences I was going though were, that they had experienced them too and that they would in time pass and it would get better! Today I can say from my heart that they are getting better, still have some of the thoughts in my head,although not as severee as the weeknd, but he is not getting me, 5 years of my life have been ruined but him , no more, I will take all the advice I can get and work hard if thats what it takes to stay sober.I know we will all have our weak moments but I will come here or go to a meeting, these things work for me. So gratefull for going to bed with out lifting that first drink , will be thinking of you all
Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 07:34 PM
Welcome to all our new members, Mike ,Cyndi Keep coming back :)) It does gets beter , I honestly never thought that was true when told at my first meeting with AA but I am believing it now and experiencing it. I can say tomorrow as it gone midnight here in Scotland, I have plans made to take mum for a special outing today, I was never able to make any plans for a day as never knew what kind of state I would be in after the night before , Im going to bed sober and looking for ward to this new day, day 16 now Day At A Time, so so very true. (((HUGS)))to you all.
Member:
Location:
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 07:35 PM
I have read these posts everyday, stumbled across this site while searching the internet and someday I hope that I can write and say that I never had a drink. I am a functional alcoholic as people classify this and Stacy you truly did inspire me. There are a lot of people besides myself that try and get help and are denied like I was again today; my doctor gave me a clinic that when I called was told they were not able to take on any new clientelle. There are lots of people besides myself that do make the effort to get help and get denied; I am only one of the many.
Member: Greg S.
Location: Okawville, IL, USA
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 07:57 PM
Hi everyone, I'm Greg & I'm an alcoholic. I can really relate to the last 3 posts. Day 5 walking with my HP, while my self-will tries to tell me that my best thinking really will work this time. That's the nature of this disease. Found out today that one of the guys I went to High School with killed himself today. He was 42, & to the best of my knowledge, not an alcoholic. It reminded me that there are other diseases out there that are just as lethal as ours, probably just as painful & confusing too. So right now I am grateful for this program of AA & the spiritual guidelines that allow me this day of sobriety. Nadine, thanks for your share. Us newcomers really need your experience, strength, & hope. Your phrase " Stick with the winners" reminded me that if I really want what you have, I have to be willing to go to any lengths to get it. Plus your reminder that it's one day at a time. Every day is a gift - that's why they call it the present. Today I can appreciate that. Thank you all for your experience, strength and hope...
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 29, 2003
Time: 10:58 PM
Hi Diane here 35 days sober well I had a busy day today and on our way Home when we drove by the liquor store I prayed that my hubby would not be tempted to stop and buy him a bottle and he did not stop. Mike congratulations on your 2 days and I'm jealous you got a mac I always thought I would enjoy a Mac. well it's almost bedtime and I'm tired from so much shopping today but I'm sober and happy to be with clear mind. I read so many good post and I know this site is the answer to my prayers and my meeting thanks again Diane
Member: Stacy
Location: West Coast
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 12:10 AM
(((Anonymous Writer))). If you would like to email me directly, please do. stasing@sbcglobal.net I was functioning just enough in my roles (Wife, Mom, Friend, Part time home based business). I am certain that most of my family and friends would find it shocking if I told them today how alcohol had taken over my life. What became unmanageable for me was the torture that was going on inside of me. The deceit and shame were huge. Coordinating my life around the alcohol became a burden! I also would say that my memory and ability to complete projects (even simple tasks) became difficult.
Member: Mr. L
Location: soberland
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 02:06 AM
Good Job Mike D keep it up your not alone.
Member: bobby
Location: california
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 02:26 AM
Hi. I'm Bobby and i'm probably an alcoholic!. I keep labeling myself a problem binge drinker, but a few internet friends just say admit it "you ARE an alcoholic!". I'm not afraid to admit it if I am, I just don't know. I do share the same symptoms as many of the posts i've read. One chug of vodka and the games over. down goes the 1/2 pint... then off to the local pub for a few more beers to wash it down. I have never experienced a black out and almost never have a hangover (although i do feel tired in the morning after a binge). I usually drink one night... then feel tired and guilty the next night, so i don't drink... then i feel refreshed and bright the next night, so i drink.... and on goes the parade. I have gotten into alot of trouble with my drinking though. i've started listing them in my personal journal. the big ones are a near extreme DUI charge in Reno (although it was dropped because the cops didn't actually witness me driving.... i was stuck on some old railroad tracks). i've lost several things in bars from lack of attention to my stuff... namely my wallet (at least a couple times)... my palm pilot, and celphone. recently i got stopped by a cop... not for driving badly, but because i had a broken taillight.... i was sloshed and the b.a.c. showed .223 ... so i've got some legal problems. the more i write about this, the more i realize that alcohol is evil... at least to me it is. i used to keep this jar... and everytime i had the urge to drink and didn't, i'd put in the money i would have spent on alkie into the jar. after the jar is filled up, i'd buy myself a gift... if i broke this pact, i would be penalized about $20 out of the jar.... but overall this didn't work because i make so much money anyways... i didn't really care about the jar. also, i do know why i drink... specifically it is to drown out the resentment and anger from the past and to also drown out the loneliness. that i will stay clean for the entire month of may. tommorrow is may 1st.... let's hope i make it to may 30th. i can beat this. i'm strong enough. bobby
Member: bobby
Location: california
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 02:33 AM
oops... this is bobby again.. i meant to say at the end of my last post that i've decided to stay sober for the entire month of may beginning tommorrow! rock and roll! bobby
Member: Tracy
Location: Essex England
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 03:03 AM
((Bobby)) just try and stay sober TODAY!!!!!!!! let the May take care of its self
Member: annie p
Location: United Kingdom
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 03:45 AM
I was sharing at a meeting recently that am just grateful that I AM an acoholic! I don't question whether I am one now; I am just grateful for this AA programme that has helped me to begin living again. I never drank a huge amount as I always had access to other substances that "helped" me to stumble through life. Now I have the AA programme to help me live well. KCB
Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 03:57 AM
Hi Bobby, how I can so identify with your post, you say a chug of vodka, that was me,a chug of vodka then the alcoholic got into action, drink that bottle, go down to shop buy some more, maybe phone a few friends all the hours of the morning,bothering the life out of them but I had no awareness of time, would get my 72 year old mum to come down in a taxi just to tell her my problems,oh how I have mentally hurt my mum :(( Would maybe fell real rough the next day so would lie in bed all day , feel better the next so the same cycle would begin,when I stopped drinking , it was after a binge from morning to night,the next night I was rough but phoned the AA for help and during the conversation, went through to the kitchen and poured the vodka I had left down the sink, looking back now if I hadn't I would have at some night finished the rest of it and probably went out for more, so I am so thankfull that I got rid of it.I have been given this chance of a new life and I am grabbing it. Tomorrow may never come Bobby,live for today and get rid of that drink, will be think of you and (((huggs))) to all
Member: Nadine C,
Location: Cocoa, Florida
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 05:17 AM
Bobby,the first step in AA is admitted we were powerless over alcohol.You say you have no control over how much you are going to drink,once you take that first drink and you listed other stuff you have no control over while drinking,so much stuff that you have started a journal.Not having control is the same as being powerless over alcohol.Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic and if you don't pick up the first drink, you can't get drunk.I hope you will keep coming back to this web site and try to find a AA meeting.It doesn't matter how much we drank,or what we drank,its what the drink does to us.Admitting we are alcoholics and that our lives have become unmanageble,and are powerless over alcohol is the first step of the twelve step program called AA.One day at a time is all we have,yesterday is a canceled check and tomorrow is a promissory note.Don't think about your promise to yourself for the month of May,try taking it one day at a time and the end of May will be here before you realize it and then ,you will have 30 days of soberity,and the days turn into months and the months into years.You don't have to do it on your own,we are all here for you.You don't have to be lonely anymore,you have this web site to come to,let us love you until you can love yourself.Hope to see your post tomorrow on this site and that you have 1 day of soberiety already.Thanks Stacy and you too Greg.I'm glad I helped you. The Big Book says we can't keep it unless we give it away,and thats what I try to do.My soberiety means to much to me,to not be able to keep it One Day At A Time.God Bless all of you and thanks for being there for me.KCB, we are strieving for progress not perfection.
Member: Robin A
Location: FL
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 06:47 AM
(((Bobby))) You'll find it alot easier if you say to yourself...I just won't drink for TODAY. Planning not to drink for the whole month of May will surely set yourself up for a relapse-a premeditated one at that. This program works just fine, One Day at a Time. If you've got one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow...your just pissing on today.
Member:
Location:
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 08:06 AM
Good morning everyone--Marsha from Michigan--an alcoholic. I will be glad when I have more days behind me because I still fear that I will slip. (Bobby) I used to save money in a jar and then after a day or two I figured that I had been good enough to deserve a six pack of tall boys. Sick! (Nadine) Thanks for the part about letting us love you until you can love yourself. I have been going through so much self loathing for things of the past that sometimes I think that it would be better to drink to try to shut the thoughts out of my head. 18 days of being sober seems surreal. I still worry that I will drink and that is why I can only focus on the day. Thanks for being here for me. (Diane) Keep it up and keep praying that your husband drives by the party store and (Robin) I love your analogy. I got a visual on that one.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 09:16 AM
Good Morning all, Diane here Alcoholic, Day 36 sober>>>>Than you Nadine for you post>>>>It confirmed to me that I am a alcoholic>>>Also Bobby your post says it all>>>That it don't matter how much I drink or when>>>>it matters that when I drink I can't stop till I pass out, also >>>I had what I thought was control over my drinking<<<<<I would let my husband mix my vodka and coke so that I did not drink so much that I would get sick from it. <<<Now I know that was my way to try to not go over board with my drinking-----Me + my husband both knew from the start that I had a big problem...what is neat is that he is not drinking now....I am not sure why he has stopped maybe cause I told him when he did drink while I was trying to stay sober that it really bothered me deep inside but I did not yell at him I just expressed my concern.... Way to go (((Marsha))) now you are over two weeks and 4 days we can do it..... it works if you work it......staying sober is also helping me to be able to handle my Son who is a drug addict he keeps slipping but he denies it, but he blew 140 bucks in two days and said he spent that at the bar which alcohol is also a drug..... then he came home and had his regular poison dreams he always has when he would stop his speed again.....but being sober is waking me up so I will be able to handle him so much better or maybe just boot him out which I am close to doing, he also faces court and maybe jail for stealing while on drugs so he may have to rehab in jail for he is not doing what his lawyer asked him. he did go to rehab but no meetings and he still is going around all the old contacts of drugy's my heart breaks when I know what a good life he is waisting away. But for today I will think of me and stay sober>>>>God Bless us all>>>>Diane
Member: SuzyQ
Location: NJ
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 09:37 AM
I knew I was an alcoholic when: I drank I drank alot I drank often I drank when I was supposed to stop and go home to my kids I drank when I knew I had to drive somwhere I drank when I was sad I drank when I was happy I drank when I was mad I drank when I knew I would have a hangover and had to work the next day I drank when someone showed up at my house with beer I drank when my kid was going to be in a play that night and I would be attending drunk I drank when I didn't have enough money to drink I drank when I did drugs I drank when I stopped doing drugs I drank on Friday..I thought everyone did I drank on Saturday..I thought everyone did I drank on Wednsday..pool night I drank on Thursday because the next day was Friday anyway Ohh..I drank on Monday..Football..everyone does When I drank, I got drunk...that was the point wasn't it? I drank when I was getting evicted with three kids I drank when the electric was shut off I drank when the gas was shut off I drank when the phone as shut off I drank when friends got out of jail I drank when friends went to jail I drank when friends died from drinking I drank when I didn't want too I drank even when I wanted to stop drinking Then I went to AA meetings I'll have four years on May 7
Member: Robert H.
Location: Ohio
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 09:43 AM
(((Jan B.))) (((Everyone))) If you're having to work at not drinking, you're most likely an alcoholic. Non-alcoholics don't have to WORK at not drinking; they just don't. And if you're an alcoholic, you are bad enough to need to go to A.A. There's a story in the first 164 pages of the Big Book about a guy named Fred. I love this story. Anyhow, Fred decides he does have a problem but feels that the knowledge of this is enough to keep him sober. Of course, it doesn't. One line always stands out to me in that story. "We heard no more of Fred for awhile." - talking about after they tried to help Fred. That one line tells me so much about why Fred failed. Fred wasn't heard from because he didn't go to meetings and not going to meetings means he didn't work the 12 steps. Maybe I like that story so much because it reminds me of my own battle with alcohol. For a long time, I thought my knowledge of my problem would keep me safe. It didn't. When I was able not to drink for long periods, I was miserable and thought I was gonna lose my mind. That was early on. Later I couldn't put together more than a couple weeks on my own and to do so required every bit of will-power I could muster. Today I have over two years - what seemed like a lifetime when I first got here. My mother died, my sponsor (the man who taught me what to do to stay sober) died a little over a week ago, I had to travel to Turkey (no meetings where I was), and my job's gotten pretty crazy in the last couple of years (military) but through all that I haven't had to pick up a drink. Without A.A. I wouldn't have made it past the first two weeks when life wasn't even hard. Go to meetings (it IS the easier way), get a sponsor, work the steps with that sponsor, get active in the program, learn to pray (use my Higher Power if you need to), and help other alcoholics. That's what I did and still do today. Of course, to steal some lines from a popular song, you can always do what you've always done and get what you've always got. Love, Robert P.S. Here is an online version of the Big Book http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/~clyde/BillW/BB_Introduction.html Fred's story is in the chapter "More About Alcoholism" and starts on page 39.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 09:46 AM
Triggers>>>>someone spoke of triggers, I think it was Marsha.... was just thinking of all my trigger points to want to drink...driving by a liquor store right before close (9 PM) watching TV from 7-9 at night ....having a fight with my Son.....oh a big one...chating on my computer (OH MY GOD) haha I licked that one cause I love my computer and I love it more then I love booze hahaha......Diane 36 days
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock, MI
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 09:52 AM
Hi all, Cyndi here. 5th day clean. Last night was a nightmare. My boyfrind went to play darts, and really I just am not comfortable with being left alone yet, so I went to my mom's and let her babysit me. Yes, I do believe its okay to depend on others for a short while, seeings how my way obviously doesn't work. The hardest part is that my mind keeps telling me that if I went 5 days one night of drinking won't hurt, becuase then I could just go another 5. Me more than anyone knows that that is a bunch of crap. I feel so rested, this is the first time in years that I feel refreshed when I wake up, no bags under my eyes. Even after 5 days my family has noticed a really big difference in me. Reading some of the past posts, I am hearing some say that they arn't sure if they are an alcoholic. GUESS WHAT...... IF YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF, and if you go through the hassel of making a money jar, etc. THEN YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Its easy as that. Mike, May will be a great month for you. But don't look at it like that. Take it one day at a time, at this point thaqts all you can be capable of. FOR TODAY, IM NOT GOING TO DRINK. My next goal for the day is to try and spend some quality time with my 8 year old daughter, to try and get close with her. If it wasn't for her, Im not sure where I would be today. This site has been so helpful to me. Its the first thing I do when I get to work in the morning. I AM SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE AND SOBER TODAY!. One day at a time.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 10:11 AM
great share Cyndi way to go on 5 days
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 10:14 AM
(Cyndi)I drove through Flat Rock the other day on my way home from Florida. I am glad you have 5 days and a promise of quality time with your daughter. My daughter is 30 and I have only 18 days of sobriety. I was always a functional drunk but those younger years with her could have been so much better. Grab them while you can. I am lucky enough to be close to her and I have a beautiful 3 year old grandson. Second chances exist.
Member: Kim D.
Location: Bridgewater
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 10:45 AM
Hi everyone. Kim here, alcoholic. Hmmm... How did I know I was an alcoholic? Before getting into recovery, I don't really think I KNEW I was an alcoholic. Yes, I had those "jack pots" and "sign posts" almost every alkie has (car accidents, missed work, fights, black outs, degrading behavior, etc.) but I thought that I just had "a problem" with booze. The problem was, I was an alcoholic but didn't really understand or know that until I got into the halls and learned a bit about the disease of alcoholism. That's why it's so important to just KEEP COMING BACK, as we continue to learn and grow as we stay sober one day at a time. Today, I KNOW I am an alcoholic and I am forever grateful for the program of AA. It gives me SOLUTIONS to my disease - not just band aids. Well done to all the ((newcomers)) who are sharing here. The solution - how to live sober - is in the Big Book. God Bless and please keep coming back.
Member: An Alcoholic
Location:
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 10:51 AM
((Anonymous Writer)) that's a bit of a cop-out, you know. AA is based on one alcoholic talking to another, and we know exactly where we've been and how it is for us. It's perfectly normal behaviour for us to make a tiny attempt, have it be unsuccessful, and then say "See? I tried. It didn't work". Truth the way I see it is, that AA doesn't get us sober, we make the decision, usually based on being in so much pain that even radical change seems better than going on the way we are, and AA makes it possible for us to stay sober, a day at a time. As one writer above says, AA really is the easier, softer way. AA is free (self-supporting through our own contributions, which means a couple of bucks, or whatever we can afford thrown into the collection basket at a meeting, it's accessible, and it is virtually guaranteed to work as it offers a spiritual solution to a spiritual illness. Alcoholism isn't really a mystery, it's just that we can't wrap our heads around a disease that is not solely organic in nature. You can't take an X-Ray of a soul, if you could, it would be easily clear that we are sick. Meetings to an alcoholic are like chemotherapy to a cancer sufferer. They heal. Clinics, psychiatrists, therapists, even treatment centers, often fail to do what AA does. It may be unorthodox, although who's to say what orthodox is, but it is absolutely effective treatment for the disease of alcoholism. AA will be there whenever we decide it's time to recover. Blessings for all the newcomers.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 02:43 PM
hi Diane here hey guys I had a great break through with my Daughter today. I decided to send her aa advice as I see it anyway the just for today I won't drink but in her case it was her addiction problem anyway she called and said the little advice I gave her was what she needed to help her and that way her problem don't seem so big. Like with our drinking we say just for today I choose not to drink. anyway I'm very happy that I was finally able to give some good advice to her with out sounding like a know it all Mom that she thinks of me as. Thank God for AA Diane
Member: Leah P.
Location: Rochester, MN
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 02:44 PM
new topic???
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 02:50 PM
hey (((an alcolic))) maybe this (Anonymous Writer) can't just stop cold turkey maybe they really are very bad addicted and need some meds to help them get off the booze? just a thought not saying what you said was not right cause I do agree totally with you but sometimes we can be quick to judge others when we don't even know the true situation don't you agree?
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 02:56 PM
no Leah I was just sharing
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 03:50 PM
Stephanie here, 22 days- ((Diane)) so glad about your daughter! Remember when I first came on- 8 days ago- I told you to share with her!!! Sounds like it may have helped, keep it up! Don't let your son make you crazy- take care, be good, and if "someone" didn't care for your share, tough- I enjoyed it :))
Member: neil s.
Location: suffolk, england
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 04:07 PM
hi all, neil, alciholic, the great thing about this site and especially this "new" site is that we all have something in common, we all have admitted we were powerless/helpless and wanted to break the cycle, some of us had family intervention, some had court ordered, loss of job, home, wife/husband, health, whatever the reason something, somehow, told us it was time. addiction involves our spiritual inner being and because these needs are spiritual rather than physical we need each other, we need AA, for you new folks, get a sponsor, feel like you can't go on without a drink call your sponsor, we all can do this together, i do it JUST FOR TODAY
Member: Jenn C
Location: NJ
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 07:23 PM
Hello Everyone, Jenn here-day 3. Started thinking that physically it isn't bad, just some nights sweats, maybe I was over-reacting. HELLO!!!! No sane person would think that. Thank you all for bringing me crashing back to reality each day, one day at a time. You are all inspiring.
Member: Mike D
Location: Colorado
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 07:26 PM
Day three. I have never drank eveyday though, so I'm not sure where my accomplisment is. Actually, that's always been my dilemma. I can and have gone months without drinking. It's not been all that intentional. But when there is a party or a get together, and I start drinking, I am the loudest and drunkest in the crowd. I am the guy who has the most to apologize for the next day. I know that I am an alcoholic because I have a dark side that comes out when I drink. I know that this disease manifests itself in me as what a lot of folks would call 'binge-ing'. I know this now. When I first looked into AA, it was about 2 years ago. I took my recovery very seriously and evolved as a person as a result of these meetings. Somewhere along the way, I became convinced that I had 'GROWN ENOUGH IN MY RECOVERY TO HANDLE A DRINK.' I put those words in caps to emphasize how ingrained my disease is. Pretty silly, in hindsight. I am an alcoholic. My rational mind knows that there is nothing I can do to escape my disease. I know that I just need to stay away from alcohol. I don't think I know what "I will not drink today" means. I can say it with full conviction, and know that I will not. My issue is tomorrow, and next week, and next month, and next year..... And that, in and of itself, has kept me reading and writing in this board (and others) for the last 3 days. I know that as long as I focus on my recovery, I will not allow booze into my life. I know that alcoholism is a sneaky disease. It will attack as soon as I am not paying enough attention to my recovery. Right now, at day three, it is all about a commitment to myself and my recovery. I am not drinking today.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 07:50 PM
Thanks Stephanie the reason it excited me so much to want to share about my Daughter is like you said I took what I learned from AA and applied it to my Daughter's situation and then gave the advice. She knows I am in recovery right now so I was able to explain it a lot better to her and she is now so happy about her decision to move with her husband and maker her marriage work. I am going to Texas on Saturday to be with the children till they get out of school, all 4 of them wow this will be fun, I'm just happy my one child is going to stick with her Marriage, as I told her just for today, see she could not decide anything so when I told her that she said it made it so much easier on her. Oh I know I am a alcohoic because when I drink I have no control over the ammount I drink and when I drink I have to drink each night if at all possible, now I don't miss it I enjoy my sobriety and clear mind thanks for letting me share Diane
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: April 30, 2003
Time: 11:56 PM
good night all and God bless you all see you on day 37 Diane
Member:
Location:
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 12:00 AM
just trying to see if this works like the instructions say it will. thanks
Member: Stacy
Location: West Coast
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 01:48 AM
Hi all. Stacy, Alcoholic. 24 days. Went to a live meeting tonight. It was the first one where I felt that I was making a connection with some women. I'm so relieved. I always get something out of any meeting, but have been hoping to meet some strong, sober women...potential sponsors. Tonight I found some. I'm so tired. So grateful for sobriety. Blessings to all. Sweet dreams.
Member: Tracy
Location: Essex England
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 03:50 AM
((Stacy)) WTG glad to see you are doing the walking to get what you want, thats the first thing i picked up, if i want it i've got to go grab it! tracy.v@ntlworld.com
Member: Lyn
Location: Scotland
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 05:38 AM
Morning all from Scotland. I am sat here at my desk counting with my fingers like a child:)) Is it 17 days ? Yep its 17 days,its all thanks to this group, our shares,my AA meetings and my higher power who I have yet to make a connection with. My higher power for me right now is the AA fellowship, I seem to take strength from other members and that helps me stay sober one day at a time ,how gratefull I am for that. I would have never beleived that the metal torture as I call it would get easier but I am experiencing this now, I still think drink and suppose we all do, and will always will, but today I have the strength to put these thoughts at the back of my head and think of what I am doing at this present moment. Sharing with all my friends here.Nights times are my danger times so I replace it with my AA meetings,I find myself looking forward to them, when I walk in the room , I feel wanted needed and loved, its such a strange feeling that you can experience this after only knowing people for such a short time. Love to you all and as always, One day at a time.
Member: T-Bone
Location: S. Fl.
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 06:24 AM
If you have read this far, you might be an alcoholic. If you've posted, your probably an alcoholic, and if your looking forward to tomorrow's postings you are definitely an alcoholic. See ya all tomorrow. LOL
Member: Tracy
Location: Essex England
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 07:55 AM
I can honestly say, that the prospect of tomorrow is exciting now, before life was a path i had to trudge through, just waiting for the drink to do its job, and kill me, today 103 days sober, i can't believe how my life is now changing, even looking back over the 3months i have been sober, is a learning curve, how i thought thats it i know everything now, LOL, but today i know what i know today is only the tip of the ice berg and i am so willing to learn more, yes the head still plays its games, but i feel less scared of it now, and am begining to except how it is,knowing that yes it will pass, but hte good days are growing and the not so good days are lessening, and my faith is growing, and so am i. Life just gets better, well done to you all. tracy.v@ntlworld.com
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 08:26 AM
Good morning everyone,Stephanie 23 days for me today, and congratulations to all!!! Have been reading a lot of books lately on this subject and quite a few things make sense (that did not before being sober), one of the sayings that I love is about how it's the first drink that gets you drunk- not the tenth or fifteenth. the addict has lost power to decide to stop or how to act after the first drink- it's like getting hit by a train- "it's the locomotive that kills you, not the caboose"- isn't this the truth? Just had to share it!!! Good luck to everyone!
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 08:38 AM
Hi everybody--Marsha here-an alcoholic for sure. Today is day 19 for me and I am enjoying a clear head in the morning but I have been pretty depressed. It seems that being sober with such a clear head is leading me to think about how I acted during my drinking. I know that we all must go through this but I can't seem to get off it. I am afraid that this feeling will be my demise. I am trying to be strong hoping that it will lift. How do you people cope with this? I know that part of this is to get my mind of myself. Thanks and congrats to everybody staying with sobriety and everybody new. I agree that if we are visiting this sight on a regular basis then we must be alcoholic.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 09:25 AM
Good Morning, Diane here Alcoholic, day 37 sober..... good share Stephanie that is so true about the first drink being that killer drink, that makes us drunk, although it always took me at least 2 to start my buzz and then I had not reached that spot in my brain yet so by drink 3, I was starting to feel a buzz and by drink 4, I was past hope for this alkie but still I wanted more of a buzz so drink 5 and then 6, it was according to how strong my hubby made them and when he tried to control my drinking,, so that I would not get sick I would tell him, they where just water down drinks lol and perk this baby up...... toward the end of my drinking I got to where I would not get online so not to embarrass my self, by acting a fool in a chat room. It's funny how we think no one can tell on line but I am here to tell you that most the time you can tell by actions or something different in that persons typing or thoughts, see I'm way out in the weeds, so online has been my way of communication for a few years now. Today I don't even go to chat rooms and only use email or this board or Al-Anon sites I have finally got a life now and I like my new sober life. Going to take care of my Grandchildren tonight for about 3 weeks but will try and pop on at least once a day if the 3 year old will let me......good post and so true T-Bone.....................................................Diane
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 10:02 AM
Marsha congratulations on day 19 and believe me it does get better not worse, I've also went through the guilt of how I treated my Daughter when she had to live with us once for a little over a year, she had to put up with abusive drunk Mom and I feel bad about it but I wrote her and told her I was so sorry cause the steps say make ammends and I did and she excepted it with a full loving heart, I also told my son sorry but he is still in a weird world of his own deamons so he has a long way to go on his own recovery. All we can do is just for today not drink and go to meetings which this is my meeting place right now. I may go to a people meetings when I can but right now this is it......Diane
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 11:12 AM
Thanks Diane--I guess we all hurt someone that we love sometime in our lives--and deep down inside I know that it will get better thanks to God. (Lyn) I guess I am dealing with the mind games. Being an alcoholic has done a number on my brain chemistry. I know that if I let some more time go by without taking the first drink that I am going to heal. Thanks again.--Marsha
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 11:17 AM
Marsha again--I just wanted to add that what Lisa S said over on the Discussion page made me take into consideration that I am not the person that I used to be. I can handle that one.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 11:49 AM
I just read it Marsha and yes she sure has a good post, I'm not a very good writer some of these folks I swear should write a book it is so amazing how they can get there thoughts out so well on paper, I love to read the good one's and wish I had that wonderful talent to put across in words what I want others to read but I only have my thoughts and sometimes they get a little goofy.... Diane
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 11:55 AM
Hey Girl!! You are you and a great source of encouragment. Don't forget it.
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 12:05 PM
I appreciate that Marsha but I know I am not miss great poster but heck I'm ok with that I am just so happy to be able to post and to be sober that I don't really worry like when I first came on this site and was just starting out sober I would really get my feelings hurt but now I am doing like someone told me. Take what you need and leave the rest. PS hey I lost a pound (YES) actually I've lost 20 pounds since I stop drinking hehe Diane
Member: An Alcoholic
Location:
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 12:14 PM
My post to the ((Anonymous Writer)) wasn't meant to say they should quit cold turkey, and god knows, I remember not being able to quit at all, it meant "don't quit trying". I can see how it could have read that way, ((Di)) and I could have expressed myself more clearly. The bit of me that still faintly wishes that everyone could acheive sobriety (not possible) still basically yearns that everyone who posts to this page could stop drinking and return to the land of the living. Whoever the ((Anonymous Writer)) is, he or she is infinitely valuable and god help us, we die or live in misery without recovery from alcoholism. There is a line in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous that says something like "burn into the mind of every man and woman the fact that they CAN get sober, despite anything". Alcoholism may be a wretched disease (that's the nature of disease) but recovery is possible, it can be done.
Member: Enjoyed the morning laugh!
Location:
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 12:48 PM
THAT WAS HILARIOUS, T-BONE! TRUE HUMOUR IS USUALLY BASED ON REALITY, ISN'T IT? What a brilliant way to carry the message, I think I want what you have (grin*)
Member: Greg S.
Location: Okawville, IL, USA
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 01:07 PM
Hi World, I'm Greg & I'm an alcoholic. Marsha, that's what steps 4-9 are for. Spent most of yesterday reciting steps 1-3, reciting the Serenity Prayer like a mantra, repeating to myself "One Day at a Time." Remembering that it's the first drink that gets me drunk (thanks Nadine !!!). Telling myself, "Greg, ya' gotta let it all go, 'cuz your best thinking almost got you killed". Which is letting go & letting God (thanks Cyndi !!!) Woke up this morning and spent an hour reading the Big Book, Trying to keep it simple - day 7 walkin' with my HP & grateful for today...thank you all for your experience, strength, & hope
Member: Di B
Location: Ok
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 02:21 PM
(((An Alcoholic))) thank you for clearing that up for me. I just could picture some poor soul that did really need a rehab not using it and maybe something bad could happen to them. Now I realize you was not saying that so sorry if I read it wrong. I agree about wanting everyone to get to find sobriety it's wonderful for me and now that I work it I am a happy lady........................ Diane
Member: Mike D
Location: Colorado
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 02:41 PM
Hi. Mike here on his 4th day. I am starting to feel myself again. I know that I am an alcoholic because I read T-Bone's post and his criteria applies to me. :) Seriously, I know that I am an alcoholic because this is the first day this week I am not hung over. Multiday hangovers, blackouts, and lots of regret remind me that I will not be drinking today. Thanks.
Member: Mike D
Location: Colorado
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 02:43 PM
Sorry, nearly forgot.... Someone had suggested unhooked.com on this board on Monday? I just wanted to say thanks. That has been an important part of my recovery so far.
Member: Jaquie K.
Location: Ohio
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 02:57 PM
Hello all. For the last year I've been wondering if I'm an alcoholic. I know I drink more than I want to. Recently I stumbled upon a radio show for aa's where they said that there were 12 questions one could ask themselves in determining if you are an alcoholic. I could answer yes to at least 4 of them. I'm not sure if I'm ready to stop drinking yet. All of my friends drink and it's what we do after work...not necessarily to get drunk but we DO drink. It is effecting my life;slowing me down. I honestly don't KNOW what the next right thing is. I've enjoyed reading your post. Jaquie
Member: Anon
Location: USA
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 03:08 PM
Hi guys & gals, been readin your posts, helped me a lot, been dry some months now, been in & out a few years!, sober a few weeks! had a real bad crisis, and all my contacts were away, guess HP wanted me to get off my ass & do some work, well he did, anyway, all the crap and the craving for drink which has always been with me went and hasn't returned, god works if you let him i guess. thanks for your shares
Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 05:44 PM
Congrats to everyone with any days of sobriety!! I wondered for years if I was an alcoholic. Then I KNEW for over a decade that I WAS an alcoholic, I just thought "I" could handle it. Then the booze stopped working and I could not drink even though I wanted to. I developed a strong allegery to the stuff. The reality is that if the booze had kept working for me I would still be out there drinking...and maybe dying or accidentally killing others. Everyone has to find their own bottom. I know a guy who came into the program because he felt his life, and health, would be better if he did not drink. He was intelligent and ambitious and the drinking each night was holding him back from what he wanted to accomplish in life. So he quit. My experience is that most people have to lose a lot, or have something important threatened, before they are willing to change. We get something from drinking, that's why we do it. When the bottle starts taking more than it is giving, and we can't stop, and we see the downward spiral is only accelerating, that's when most of us pick up the phone and make the call to AA. It was humbling because I couldn’t do it by myself. I had to ask for help. Thank God I did. Peace
Member: C B
Location: LORAIN 'OH' U.S.A.
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 11:38 PM
HOW IT WAS TODAY my higher power SAY NOOOO . TOday I'm a person with sick past I turn it over to hp today pray and hp . love work on hug all the good people that god gift that got me here to me say one day the mind will hp thanks for all season of my reflection that help to day . IT day to day 365 days keeps me with the word . that in the big book today to on to were you people can keep it simple turn it over and let hp god under standing sign off smile good day
Member: C B
Location: LORAIN 'OH' U.S.A.
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 11:43 PM
HOW IT WAS TODAY my higher power SAY NOOOO . TOday I'm a person with sick past I turn it over to hp today pray and hp . love work on hug all the good people that god gift that got me here to me say one day the mind will hp thanks for all season of my reflection that help to day . IT day to day 365 days keeps me with the word . that in the big book today to on to were you people can keep it simple turn it over and let hp god under standing sign off smile good day
Member: Greg S.
Location: Okawville, IL, USA
Date: May 01, 2003
Time: 11:50 PM
Hi everyone, I'm Greg & I'm an alcoholic.Suzy Q, I loved your last post ( I drank because...). I know you where describing yourself, but you described me also. Mike D. - congrats ! www.recovery.org has some great sources, including "The Big Book" online. Rich P. you are so correct. Last week Thur. I woke up with my face covered in dry blood, right eye almost swollen shut - of course I had no recollection of what happened, as I was blacked- out when I got home. So I called the guy who drove me home and asked him what the hell happened. He said on the way home from the bar, I grabbed the steering wheel of his car & tried to drive us off the interstate. He said I was laughing while doing this. He didn't know what happened to my face. Of course I did not remember grabbing the steering wheel either. A sprained shoulder, 1-inch wide laceration on my cheek, black eye, and ruptured sinus cavity, 4 days lost work & $400.00 in medical bills - and the scary part is that it could have been so much terribly worse. That's what it took to get me here. Thanks, God, for day #7, and thank you all for your experience, strength, & hope
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 07:34 AM
Good morning everyone--Marsha here and glad to have made it sober for another day. Even though I know that I am an alcoholic, I think that one of the biggest things that I am going to have to accept is remembering that I am one. I would like to remain sober and just forget about it but I don't think that this will be possible. In the past few days I have really been tortured by the past but I heard a wise person say that God does not give us memories to torture us but as tools to guide us. I guess that is the difference between possitive and negative thinking. I had something happen to me this morning. Usually on Friday I do my weekly housecleaning-- something that I thought I could only get through with a six pack. Well this morning I was surprised to find myself thinking about different creative ways to get the job done. The change in my overall thought process was very exciting to me. (Greg) Thank God you didn't get killed. Blackouts are a nasty and frightening thing. Thanks for listening and (CB) you keep pluggin away.
Member: Tracy
Location: England
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 08:02 AM
((Marsha)) You don't have to rememer you are an alcoholic, if you just accept it as part of you, then it will become like your right arm, you use it but your not aware of it every minute of the day.
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 08:25 AM
Thanks Tracy for your insight. I will remember that.
Member: Hope S.
Location: Dakotas
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 09:08 AM
I want today to be Day 1 for me. I don't know if I can do this but everything I have ever done that I am ashamed of can be linked to alcohol. Other reasons I think I may be an alcoholic: I drink 3-4 days a week, 2 of those times are too a drunken mess, I have blacked out many times over the years, I use wine to make me less nervous, to cope with family, to make me feel better. I am pretty certain that I am living with another alcoholic and that is part of our enjoyment of each other. I know that drinking is going at some point to cause me embarassment or harm in the future if I don't stop. Right now I hate the thought of not being able to have a drink and I think that is also how I know I have a problem. I don't want to have anything else bad to happen. I don't want to have to hit any more of a bottom before I get control. If it is possible to help me please do. I will be honest about my ability.
Member: Di
Location: Ok
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 09:48 AM
hi Diane here Alcoholic 38 days sober, welcome ((((Hope))))) if you are on this page you are probably an alcoholic so just don't take that first drink and read the post and the big book. I'm new at this so I am sure there are others on here with much better advice then me. good luck Diane
Member: Tracy
Location: Essex England
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 09:55 AM
((Hope)) you have made the 1st step, but don't worry at the moment if your partner is an alcoholic or not just work on you, if we start trying to cure the world we will fail, but if you are willing to do whats needed, then one day maybe you can be of help to your partner. 1 step at a time
Member: Hope
Location: Dakotas
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 10:11 AM
Thank you Tracy and Diane for your comments. I started to think after I sent the email (if I can just get better enough to be a responsible drinker again). That's another sign isn't it? From reading other's comments that isn't possible is it ? How did I get to this point ? I wasn't born an alcoholic. I geuss if it were possible for me to be a responsible drinker I would have done it long ago- right ???
Member: Tracy
Location: Essex England
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 10:30 AM
((Hope)) i don't think we are born Alcoholics, but we are born with Alcoholism, i'e the ism being I SELF ME, then we drink alcohol to escapte the ism's. its just a circle until we give up the fight.
Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 10:53 AM
((Hope)) Thank you for your post this morning. I it helped me very much to hear what you said, and I admire the honesty of the delivery. For us alkies, the illusion that we can ever drink normally one day must be forever smashed. I drank so much my brain is now pickled. I can't go back to being a cucumber, it is not possible. Now I am trying to learn how to live without alcohol as my friend, lover, painkiller, mood changer, etc. I cried a lot in the first 4 months. I was experiencing a real loss, kind of like a divorce from an abusive spouse that I still loved. I didn't get why I needed to go to meetings everyday. Well I understand now. Peace
Member: Cyndi A
Location: Flat Rock, MI
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 11:30 AM
cyndi here. 7 days sober. I feel great. Its hard but worth it. I feel like I have the world in my hands.
Member: Rick
Location: Indiana
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 12:10 PM
Rick here, an alkie. ((Hope)) I appreciated your post. It sounded painfully familiar. ((Suzy Q)) I appreicated your litany to I Drank... and all I can say is me too. I'm back at day 1. I was at 8, which was about the longest I've been sober in 2 years. Things piled up last night and I took that one drink, I wanted it. The bad voice won out and I'm not sure what allowed it to happen. I should have gone to a meeting but, and isn't there always a but, I was alone with the kids.... SO here I am, starting again, one day at a time. Thank you all for being here to listen.
Member: Greg S.
Location: Okawville, IL, USA
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 02:55 PM
Hey everyone, I'm Greg & I'm a real alcoholic. Spent 45 minutes reading the Big Book online (www.recovery.org), focusing on chapter #2 & 3. Using this site to get my 90 meetings in 90 days since the nearest regular meetings are 30+ miles away. We have one meeting a week here in town, but I need this program & this meeting every day or my self-will will sieze control, and I'll take that first drink. Baffling, indeed. Focusing on steps 1,2,3 again today, making a special effort to ask my Higher Power to restore me to sanity, since I am thinking insanely & cannot fix myself by force of will. Rick, glad to hear you jumped back in the program immediately after your slip. I would have just taken the drive to Hell myself.Hope, the program works if you work it.Thanks to Rick P. - I've been really working on smashing the idea that I can ever drink normally again. That's a great trick self-will plays on all of us, especially newcomers like me. Thank you all for your experience, strength and hope....
Member: Tracy V
Location:
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 03:01 PM
Greg you don't have to worry about not drinking again normally, just don't drink today, you can drink tomorrow but just not TODAY
Member: ED
Location: MO
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 03:05 PM
Hey, you play the cards your dealt, call, raise fold. Been thinking a lot about Higher Power. Higher Power is the dealer. It would not be right to ask for for the winning card nor bitch about not winning the hand. I am playing the hand, the choice is mine, right now I'm not gonna fold.
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 03:12 PM
(Rick) I'm glad your being honest. Right after I started on this site I gained about nine days of sobriety and then I slipped and let it go that way for two days then I started over. Now I have about 20 days straight. One day at a time. (Greg) I also use this as my meetings as I still am to nervous to show up at a meeting in my town, and there is one nearby every day. We can't take the first drink because we are alcoholics and we must not be fooled into thinking that we're not. It's tough but it's also great to be sober and everyday that we don't drink is another day that we can escape it's ravages. Thanks for listening.
Member: Hope
Location: Dakota
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 05:14 PM
Rich (CO) Thank you for your response. All day I have been lamenting the idea that I can never again have another fuzzy umberella drink or margarita. Then I realized I could have them without the alcohol and still enjoy it. Seriously the whole day I have been arguing with myself ('sometimes i drink responsibly, sometimes I don't make an a@# of myself, sometimes it doesn't make me angry') Rick (IN) thank you too for admitting you slipped. I am afraid of that and if I did I was afraid I would be too ashamed to admit it and then I would lose my life jacket which is how I think of this web site. I am afraid my fiance brought home the usual tonic water and gin and beer for the weekend and said that if i want to quit he is not going to help because he enjoys his alcohol addiction. I will stay strong but this will be my only source of support for awhile. Pray for me. and thanks so much for the responses !
Member: Mike D
Location: Colorado
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 05:19 PM
Five days sober. I found myself trying to bargain with myself this morning. maybe if I only drink (x), then I can keep from drinking (y). What a mess we all have to deal with, huh? I know that it's just not ok to drink ANY alcohol. I think what's hard for me today is knowing that I am really doing this. Society doesn't make it real easy sometimes to be the guy who doesn't drink. I feel like people look at you like there is something wrong with you when you say you don't drink alcohol. Today, I feel punk rock enough to not be swayed by what other people do or think in their own lives. I feel like booze is a horrible industry. It's so ingrained in our culture. I know that I am one of millions of alcoholics, and I am not unique in regards to my disease. I have just got to say, "No WAY am I going to put that garbage in my body." Thanks for all your posts.
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 05:36 PM
(Mike D) Go back to Suzy Q's post. It hits home. There always seems to be a reason to justify drinking and NO-- society doesn't make it easy. When I have turned down a drink lately, I just said--"No thanks, I have been having some kind of allergy to the stuff". (Hope)Welcome and I won't be the only one praying for you I know. Thanks.
Member: Hope
Location: Dakota
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 05:52 PM
Ok I will sign off for now but I passed my first test. My fiance pleaded that I should wait until Monday to start sobriety . Actually he is still debating with me why I shouldn't do this at all. I think he is worried I won't be fun anymore. I just believe this is the best thing to do. Zero drinks = zero possibility to get drunk. I said no to a drink for the first time when it was offered to me and I feel like I am in a roller coaster now. I have to ride this out but I am honestly afraid of the hills ahead.....
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: Ohio
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 06:26 PM
((Diane))I am so glad you are so busy with those kids!!! lol You don't even have time to post!!! Now you know what I meant 3, 5 and 11- they keep you busy- how I ever even found time to drink!!! hope all is well and you are enjoying yourself- kids can do wonders- XOXOXO 24 DAYS!!!
Member: Mike D
Location: Colorado
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 06:34 PM
(Marsha L) Thanks!! (SuzyQ) That is a great post, and inspiring. (Hope) That is hard. You really can't do this for anyone but yourself. I am having to put my relationship and my friends in the backseat for a while, as I concentrate on my recovery. You really have my prayers. Thanks.
Member: Stephanie Y
Location: OHIO
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 06:34 PM
EVERYONE- went to a counsler yesterday and was as honest as honest could be- it's been 24 days today and I STILL feel as though I'm doing "THIS" sober thing for everyone else! I hate it- I know it's for me also, but it is sooo hard- now- I'm showing a little independence- a little control, and although my husband is the one who asked me to stop drinking, he's the one who's starting to lose it- he doesn't have the control he used to have- he's scared! he's offering me drinks- for -you know- SHOOT!!! Diane- help me
Member:
Location:
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 10:00 PM
diane- he came here-read this- and now he's losing iit
Member: Di
Location: Ok
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 11:01 PM
Stephanie you hang it there and just remember you are doing this for you and if he can not understand this he needs some help himself just smile and say Just for today I will not drink so no thank you and I will pass on your drink. I just now got to read today I've been helping my Daughter to move and my grandchildren sure are sweet and they love me sober Diane
Member: Marty G
Location: Cowtown OH
Date: May 02, 2003
Time: 11:14 PM
T-Bone, Amen brother!!! I qualify. (lol). Love one another. meg
Member: bobby
Location: california
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 04:45 AM
Hi. This is Bobby. I come and go on this board, but I have been reading on and off for almost 2 years. it is very insightful to read the posts. I am, i think, 4 days sober... meaning not so much as a drink... sometimes i go weeks with a few beers here and there but nothing slobbering drunk. my longest was probably 2 weeks at my brother's place when i drank nothing and had no urge to. for me, I feel that healthy surroundings and healthy thoughts and banishment of the past and resentment are the key to stay healthfully sober. also, I find that i never have the urge to drink when i have a full tummy. so, right after work i grab a burrito or a sandwich. I hope i don't start gaining alot of weight. it would be ironic to get sober and gain weight... when usually it's the other way around. well, for me the key so far is to stay well fed, go shopping for clothes and various other toys (laptop, hdtv, etc... since i have the money)... exercise.... happy thoughts.... and keeping the resentment of the past away (that is a big trigger to my starting up). i've been having a big urge to grab a 40 ouncer or 1/2 pint of cheap vodka, but the stores are closed... so one more day in my pocket. wooohooo! bobby
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 07:00 AM
Good morning everyone--Marsha from Michigan--an alcoholic--((Stephanie Y))A loving partner would support your recovery. When one partner shows strength sometimes the other is intimidated. If your recovery comes first, it would only be natural that avenues for a better relationship would follow. When I sobered up (only 21 days and on guard) I opened my eyes to what was really going on here. Your husband probably is feeling the effects of the new and better you. Show by example how good sobriety is he will probably come around. My heart is with you. Somewhere in the middle of my 21 days, my retired husband took a new job to keep him busy and make some extra money. He likes this job so much that I felt very insecure when it had nothing to do with me at all. I almost took a drive to the party store. Partners are wierd sometimes and where there is alcohol, there might be other codependent issues. ((Bobby)) You are right about the past--that's the one that alwys kept me hung up. I'm glad that you posted. ((Diane)) Enjoy your grandkids. My grandson is coming today. I can't wait.
Member: Hope
Location: Dakotas
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 08:02 AM
DAY 2 ! for me ! I am so pleased. Last night was really tough. All weekend the niehgbors gather at our house and bring their Crown Royal, Beer , Vodka you name it and sit outside and procede to get blato. At first I was jealous- the sun was shining the mood was happy and I envied their first drink. The peer pressure was bordering on nasty too. I finally had a flash of insight and went into the kitchen put ice and tonic in the usual glass I drink from and then added a lime. It saved my butt ! As soon as they thought I had given in they were fine. As the night went on I was so happy to be sober. I didn't have to worry if I was talking too much or inappropriately, and I watched them deteriorate before my eyes. I wasn't angry but I felt sad for them. I saw the look on the children's faces when their dad was slurring his speech. I saw the embarassment on the wives when their husbands would puke. I saw how stupid it was to race up and down the street on three wheelers, motorcycles or whatever moves popping wheelies and doing brake stands. I was so happy being sober. I felt in control. What I am still most worried about is like what (Mike D ) from Colorado describes on a Day 5 where I think I am Ok to drink again - or I can handle it responsibly and socially. After all I was what they call a highly functioning alcoholic (wow- I can't believe I just labeled myself that). I can just hear myself saying 'Oh just a glass of wine with the family won't hurt' . Besides if I say I don't want a drink then everyone will know that I have a problem. Right then and there they will know and I will have to confess that I can not have a social toast with them ever . What do I do then ? How do I say that? I don't want them to know. I know tonight will be the same scenario but I strengthened by last night's results. (Stephanie Y)I am sorry for your spouse's reaction. I really believe that people hate change even when it's good. I hope he will get more secure within himself for your sake. Day 2 :) I have gone a lot more than 2 days before but this time it was an active choice of being commited to not allowing alcohol to "help" me with any thing and boy was it ever available :) Day 2 :) Oh I hope I can do this ! (yep I noticed the play on words too :)
Member: Maggie
Location: IL
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 08:22 AM
Hi all, Maggie here. Alcoholic. I guess I will share what is really on my mind since this is a program of honesty. Now mind you, I don't have words of wisdom to share, I struggle with disease on a daily basis like everyone else. When I first started coming to this sight I was hanging on by a thread. The sharing of experience, strentgh and hope got me through some really bad days. In a meeting on Monday, I sat next to a man who is on DEATHS door because of this disease. His liver is 99% gone, his skin and eyes were the color of the sun and he could hardly stand or talk. Yet there he was, in a meeting of A.A. He is going to die and he knows it. I cannot drink. I cant do this alone, so I choose to save my life and go to A.A. This is a very real and serious disease that will KILL. I would lik to be able to come to this site and read about experience, strentgh and HOPE, not a daily minute by minute chat of our days. Very greatful to be sober TODAY! Love to all, Maggie
Member: T-Bone
Location: S.Fl.
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 08:58 AM
To all of you who are struggling right now. Hang in there. Take it from someone who knows how tough it can be early on, it does get better and not just a little bit better, but a whole shitload better. Don't quit before the miracle happens and remember "half measures avail us nothing". The journey is half the fun. God bless.
Member: L-RAY
Location: somewere in Spain
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 09:57 AM
((((Hope)))) ((((bobby)))) get to plenty of meetings! Hope when they come round go to a meeting keep sober company if you think you will be strong enough to survive a drinking session at your house you are deluding yourself! you have to do this for yourself --dont bother what others might think if you really want to stay sober get to meets and get some phone numbers and it will give you strength to know that help is only a phone call away---its the kid in the candy store story ask him not to have one -maybe he wont but if he hangs there long enough he will! so be safe and remove yourself when the booze is loose! regards L-RAY
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 11:50 AM
Hi-- I think on this particular page of Staying Cyber we really do want to hear things that give us hope but I think that on this Early Sobriety format we also want to hear what is in each of our heads so that we might find the common ground that we came here for. I usually stay on this page because I don't think I have the capability to give my thoughts elsewhere. Because we are alcoholics--we need to start somewhere in our fight for sobriety and if we get a little chatty I guess that is our way of reaching out. Thanks.
Member: Tracy
Location: Essex England
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 12:50 PM
((Hope)) i can so relate to you, 3months ago when i put the drink down my thoughts were yours. But i am now learning how to handle lifes diffucultys, I.e Think of others who are acting out on booze as ill, don't feel you have to please people, when your alone with you they are not there to comfort you, and if you are worried about telling them or them finding out, well they either already know, or i'd tell them so they get an educated explaination of our disease, not just hearsay. ((Marsha)) chat away, nobody got sober in silence, its better out then in where it gains power. i love this page, such innocence and determnation. Rememeber we are AA. tracy.v@ntlworld.com
Member: Greg S.
Location: Okawville, IL, USA
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 02:07 PM
Hey everyone I'm Greg & I' an alcoholic. Hope, check out chapter 2 of the Big Book at www.recovery.org - it explains our insane thinking in picking up that 1st drink. Read chapters 2&3 yesterday, & I'm really glad I did, since that is exactly where I was - just like you, Mike D. -" The sudden impulse to drink that we are defenseless against". The only defense I have against that impulse is my Higher Power, turning my life & will over to my HP - thy will, not my will. I must have recited the Serenity Prayer to myself 20+ times yesterday, as well as repeating steps 1,2,3 to myself, so they are as ingrained to me as I know my name is Greg.Half measures avail me nothing ( amen, T-bone!), and I'm trying to remember that I am willing to go to any lengths to get what AA promises.Maggie, thanks for your share - that dude would have been me in a couple years, if I managed to live that long. The gates of Hell open, and I walk out. My best thinking tells me to turn around, knock on the gates, and ask to be let back in. That's why I'm turning my life & my will over to the care of my Higher Power today. Thanks, Tracy V. for the " Innocence & determination" - I needed to hear that also. Thank you all for your experience, strength, and hope, and thanks, God, for another 24 without alcohol...
Member: Emma M
Location: Paris, France
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 03:34 PM
Hi there, Emma here, an alcoholic. I have been reading some great posts tonight and I'd like to share some thoughts as well. 21 days sober and although I am having a lot of different emotions and sometimes feel vulnerable and small, I basically feel better than I have in a long while. The topic of this week's discussion is "how do I know if I am an alcoholic?" As someone rightly pointed out above, if you have had to ask yourself this question then you probably are. I think there are lesser and greater degrees of alcoholism but if you have a "alcohol"-related issue then you are by definition an alcoholic. I keep thinking that I'm fine because I have never drunk in the morning and certainly never had the shakes so it'll be easier for me to stay sober. I don't know about this - I haven't encountered any real problems so far and as I said I do feel better and my (fairly) optimistic bubble hasn't been burst yet. Marsha L - I really liked your post about knowing that you were an alcoholic but the difficult part of that being remembering you are one. I was pouring my husband a drink the other night and a drip ran down the side of the bottle - I automatically wiped it with my finger and licked it ... !! I immediately realised what I'd done and spat it back out in the sink. I have to say it made me giggle at the time but I think that it's dangerous to forget that you are an alcoholic for even a second. I would also like to just remain sober and then forget about it - you know, just make as little fuss as possible and get on with my life without alcohol. We'll see what happens. I would also like to say than I went to my first meeting last week and I am going to try another one next week (a bit difficult as I have a little boy who needs me during the day). Oh, and I also have a question on higher powers - I don't think I have one ... or I'm having trouble finding one ? Any tips ? Thanks for letting me share. Emma M
Member: L-RAY
Location: SCOTLAND
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 04:44 PM
((((Emma))))Your are doing well, just keep going to meets and all will be reveled in time ! let your hubby pour his own for a change lol wish you every success in your journey, ive been here for a few years now and im still learning things about me and its only for to-day Regards L-RAY
Member: Mike D
Location: Colorado
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 05:43 PM
Sixth day, and I am having a little fun realizing that I've got more issues than a magazine rack... :) Communication issues, Inadequacy issues, Survivor issues, Control issues, Power issues, I could bore MYSELF to death listing them all. I'm ok, though. I am really happy to have realized that recovery is an ongoing endeavor. Even dorking around with booze, I could not deny who I am. For that I am grateful. I am seeking to become more and better than I was coming into this life. I'm grateful that I have a family of choice that supports me regardless of what mess I have gotten myself into. I am glad to have been reminded that I am a good guy and that I am loved. That knowlege and my commitment to myself will keep me sober today. Saturday night tonight. I have decided to avoid drinking by paying a little attention to my inner child. Tonight I am going to see the new X-Men movie and remember. Since as far back as I can say, those comic books made me feel like it was ok (and even cool) to feel like an outsider.
Member: Mike D
Location: Colorado
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 05:49 PM
oh, yeah.. I am really glad to have found this room. I did not realize there were meetings online until this week. Thanks for all of your posts.
Member: chris H.
Location: Fla.
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 06:32 PM
I'm Chris, Im an alcoholic- addict---Marsha, I too have been struggling with the horrible things i have done in the past...but I finally realized that they are in the past and I can do nothing about them. I am forgiven for them be my Higher Power, who I call God, ( sometimes that is so hard to believe, but He says that I am ...and He doesn't lie) and now I have to forgive myself(which is the hardest part)...Then I have to leave it in the past and work on my life now to not repeat those things. all we have is now. The past is in the past and tomorrow never comes...Regret over our past only leads to guilt and remorse which always led me to use... Those emotions do absolutely no good...THe program of Alcoholics Anonymous gives us the hope that we can change one day at a time...Great Job, Hope for making it through your first weekend with your neighbors...My husband is not an alcholic and we toast at dinners out ALL the time...I just toast with my water or perrier...no one says anything anymore...it is the thought and well wishes behind the toastsw that count. -.
Member: Darius
Location: London
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 07:03 PM
Hello my name is Darius and I am an alcoholic. This week's topic "How do I know if I am an alcoholic?" A question I knew the answer to eight years ago, when I started trying to stop drinking. I now know that I was an alcoholic before that time,in fact I have been an alcoholic for 22 years. How did I know eight years ago? Alcohol effected parts of my life that it shouldn't have- the list is too long for me to go into. Now being sober,even for a short period of time, I can see that my drinking effected parts of other people's lives it shouldn't have, before this eight years. A fact that makes me want to have a drink! (Only joking)The knowledge of my problems with drink has been developed into the wish to get rid of the problem. Something I said to myself years ago, looking back now it seems eight years waisted. But I just wern't ready then, so just knowing is not enough. I'm with the programme now, 12 steppin. Now is my time and I feel awakend, drunk from the buzz of being sober, a good feeling. Thanx 4 lettin me share. PS Any European newcomers want to come to an online meeting on Mondays 8pm GMT please come to www.soberchat.com
Member: Di
Location: Ok
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 07:45 PM
hi day 39 sober hey Stephanie did you fall or what? Yes Marsha my grandchildren are a blessing and a lot of work so I got on real fast and have not even got to read all the post yet. Maybe in the morning, good luck to all the new folks, heck I'm new too
Member: patty b
Location: Austin
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 07:57 PM
Greetings y'all, Day 10 here. I'm so grateful I found this site. I've been to eight 12 step meetings since I started, Sundays I go to church which I consider almost like a meeting! Reading the Big Book. If anything just sends the point home that I'm an alcoholic, it's reading that book. And that's not a bad thing, that's a GREAT thing to know. I feel so much more alive today..no guilt..no hiding bottles or cans of stuff "just in case". No wondering if I said something else crappy to my daughter the night before that I'd have to take back today. Someone said "wear your bedroom slippers" for the first 90 days at least,in other words, take care of myself and don't try to work every step in two weeks..etc. So I'm taking baths, naps and my vitamins! Even working out is easier..I don't feel like I'm just getting the junk out of me that I imbibed the night before. And when I look at my checkbook or bank statement..I don't see any money going to the liquor stores. What a blessing. Thanks for this place, thanks for your posts, thanks everyone for your positive pictures of strength and hope. Hugs and don't drink no matter what.. Patty
Member: bikerbabe
Location: hellishelping
Date: May 03, 2003
Time: 09:19 PM
To be an alkie or not to be an alkie? that is the question)) well, depending on the degree of selfcen TURD ness you have: you will just have to have the answers all about your own bellybutton right now won't you? the truth is you don't have to know" it all to make it. in fact self knowledge is not going to keep you sober.. in fact if your headin off to aa, and your not sure your an alcoholic,, be sure of this: (YOU ARE CONFUSED) ps... don't feel bad; most people are in the exact same dilema about GOD BIKER BABE LOVES ALKIES
Member: Di
Location: Ok
Date: May 04, 2003
Time: 01:27 AM
ok finally got got a few moment to post, I guess I can now say day 40 since it is after 12:00 for me, I have had a heck of a day, just had to track down my 12 year old Grandson who lied about what he was going to do and boy I am here to tell you I was fit to be tied. I thought of drinking and a cig at the same time but I did not kill him I just grounded his skinny butt and told him how worried I was and gave him a hug but he is grounded. I made it through a lot of stress today and caught my self thinking how nice a drink would be. right then and there all my thoughts of me not being a alkie all went out the window now I can for sure say this lady is a alkie but the good news is that I made it now I am off to bed....god bless and good night....Diane
Member: Stacy
Location: West Coast
Date: May 04, 2003
Time: 01:27 AM
Hi all. Day 27 for me. (((Hope))) I'm praying for you. (((Stephanie))) I'm praying for you. The most important thing for all of us to do today is to NOT TAKE THE FIRST DRINK and to love each other through this. Keep coming back. We need you. :-) (((T Bone))) your brevity and clarity are awesome! Thanks.
Member: Marsha L
Location: Michigan
Date: May 04, 2003
Time: 06:20 AM
Good morning everyone--Thanks to all for keeping the postings coming. I am starting the fourth week of my sobriety and its good but still not easy. (Chris H) Thanks for your comment. (Patty B) On the bedroom slipper thing--You made me realize that I need to back off on some things. I have been trying to achieve all perfection all at once. Thanks for that. I hope that you all keep having your back to back days and (Di) Learning to handle the stresses of life is something that I failed at and would always turn to drinking as the result. I am really working on my coping skills and noticing what I feel when I have fear and anger and lonliness. This is one large area that lets me know that I am an alcoholic because I would turn to IT instead of plain old reasoning. Thanks for listening and have a nice Sunday.
Member: Di
Location: Ok
Date: May 04, 2003
Time: 09:05 AM
Day 40 Diane here, yes Marsha I had bad stress at Home with my grown son but nothing like little one's around. This is a growing experience for me, I am having to take deep breaths but I have to admit that when I got that feeling to want to drink last night it only lasted a few seconds cause I did not have any more time to want to drink lol see I am taking care of 4 grandchildren ages are almost 15 almost 13 and 10 and a 3 year old boy which is a handful all by himself and to top it off 3 of the children are boys so that is triple the trouble lol