Member: Sheryl
Location: Ga
Date: 05 Dec 1998
Time: 23:34:35

Comments

Wow... the pressure.. ok.. well I am really rusty at this but here goes.. How about talking about the first step. I didnt distinquish holidays with my drinking, I drank ( drink ) almost every day. But given the time of year, and my own personal recent experience, I would like to know the final straw that got people here and what keeps them here a day at a time. If anyone has something else better.. go for it


Member: Dave W.
Location: Massachusetts
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 00:10:07

Comments

Hi everybody, I'm Dave and I'm an alcoholic.

Step 1: WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL, AND THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE.

This step hit me right in the face the very first meeting I went to. I knew for damn sure my life was unmanageable - I couldn't eat, pay bills, tell the truth, etc. Learning that I was powerless over alcohol was a revelation for me, and a big relief. It explained why I had been unable to control my drinking, even though I had every intention of doing so. The "straw that broke the David's back" was a sense of utter desperation: of not knowing how I could live even one more day, but not seeing any way out. My mom brought me to my first meeting (she's been sober a long time) during a snowstorm on January 10th, 1994. One of the great things about sobriety is "being there" for family events like holidays. I don't have to worry about where I'll stash my bottle (I used wastecans often) or better yet how to avoid the whole thing. Without AA, I could not have done it. The first step is one I have to remember every day. For me, it was like the light at the end of the tunnel, (the same one that looked like an oncoming train the day before) was actually the light of day. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Jamie L.
Location: Belmar, NJ
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 01:25:16

Comments

Hi Group, my name is Jamie an I am an alcoholic and addict. I've known I been an alcoholic since I was 11 years old, circa 1971. My weekend ritual was as soon as my parents went out for the night, I went right to work on Dad's liquor cache, and beleive me there was enough there so he wouldn't miss a little whiskey, scotch, brandy or anything my little hands could get to. One night as I basked in my warm glow of drunken bliss I happened upon a movie on T.V. called "The Days of Wine and Roses". No matter how much I wanted to turn the channel, I could not escape the truth about my drinking even at such a young age. Alcohol continued to be a major problem in my life throughout my teens and into my twenties. When I finally reached A.A. in 1984, I was completely and utterly obsessed with alcohol and I could not give myself to this simple program, I was constitutionally unable to be honest. I also wasn't willing to take the first step ( I did however take the thirteenth ), but that first meeting did plant a seed that there was hope and if I was lucky someday I might recover. As my bottoms got worse and my sanity became almost unrecoverable, I found myself at that place where I knew I couldn't live with alcohol and I couldn't imagine living without it. At that point I became as willing to listen as only the dying can be. I needed to spend time in a rehab (1989)because my compulsion was so intense any problem (or joy for that matter), would send me out the door. It was in rehab where I really took the 1st Step. I COMPLETELY, and WITH NO RESERVATIONS, surrendered to this incredibly powerful disease for the first time and that horrible obsession left me, it was truly a miracle. At that time I also began a relationship with a Higher Power who still protects me and works small and large miracles in my life today. The most recent miracle was when I found my way back to the rooms in June after doing nine months of research and development. The reason- I stopped going to meetings and hearing about what happens to people who stop going to meetings. In nine months, I came very close to destroying eight years of hard work and came very close to dying. My lesson, I have to surrender on a daily basis. Time away from a drink is only as good as your daily spiritual condition and I only can get that nourishment from meetings, fellowship, working the steps with a sponser and service. This website is a wonderful help but it will never replace meetings for this alcoholic. Thanks for letting me share. Love to you all.


Member: Micky B.
Location: Seattle, Wa
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 04:02:54

Comments

Micky here, and I had been thinking a couple days ago that I hoped this next topic would be step 1. So this is cool. I think step one is my fave, and one I have to remember every day, especially around holidays. Like Dave, I used to always be drunk or high at family gatherings, and try to hide it. When I finally admitted I had a problem, I found out my family knew all along, but never said anything (not that it would have helped). Well, I'm just rambling here but the point is that AA has done much to save me from myself and this disease and because of that, I have more than I ever thought I'd have! I'm really glad this meeting is here, any time of day or night. Thanks, god bless everybody and pray for snow!


Member: dave l
Location: bedford england
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 04:07:44

Comments

hi i'am dave and a greatful alcholic, yea step oneis one is the hardest to take but the most powerful injection of hope i've ever had. as i droped futher into the empty void of my obcession god threw me the the line of life and somehow i managed to grab it this time.what a experience to go to bed a hopeless drunk and to wake up in the hands of the most powerful presence of god to say your prayers have been answered. thanks for the reminder


Member: Rivner
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 07:45:09

Comments

Howdy! Alcoholic; Rivner. Well talk about steppin’ in to high cotton. Here I am contemplatin’the lonliness my codepentent a** will experience while my wife is away w/ relatives this week and the disease is startin’ up its rant about good reasons to drink, and I climb in here to find that a good "sister" has pointed me to a topic that takes me straight to where I need to be reckoning. What got me here was complete physical, financial, emotional, intellectual and spiritual bankruptcy. I’m not even sure if it was being tied to the bed with seizures and DTs; more it was the abject inability to make any forward moving decision about my life whatsoever. I blew into this town with five dollars, a back-pack and a bicycle some 10 years ago. Had some slips along the way. Kept oiling up the soles of my shoes rather than my soul. In between fallin on my a** I began to hang out at the local AA club. Had no place else to go, and life at the shelter was hardly motivating. Neither was the job at the fast food joint. The lessons in humility and arrogance were as clear as a 2x4 upside my head. God pounded me good. Nothin’ like walkin’ around with advanced degrees while cleaning up catchup after 10 year-olds (one of which was probably me!) Over time, sober thinking and living got me car, jobs, land, house, guest house, more land and a career as a builder. What keeps me here is the likes of SHERYL out of GA who pop in here and take a shot at this program. She (and y’all) reach into my soul and raise me up. The example of trudgin’ against the wind at a 45 degree angle is hugely powerful. Thank you Sheryl. Whoopee Ti Yi Yo. I’m rollin’ with the feelin’ this mornin’. Just what I needed. RIV.


Member: Tammy L.
Location: Denver, NC
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 08:47:53

Comments

Hi, tammy here, alcoholic. I am glad that the first step is the topic. I have been ill and not going to my meetings as i should, just too sick to get up off the couch. I have been thinking about a drink, and the first step is EXACTLY what i need to consider. Alochol took my marriage, my home, everthing i had worked os hard for for many years. Now i am getting better all the time, a drink would really mess it all up again. I know i am powerless over alcohol, and my life was damn sure unmanageable. Thanks for th topic.


Member: mike m
Location: Bend OR
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 09:14:03

Comments

Hi, my name and I am a Alcoholic. Great topic. My story is like alot of us stared drinking around 13 years old. It was abig party for along time .I began to have problems with drugs and alcohol in high school.. IT continued to get worse. Lost all the $, Marbles, and Chaulk many times. My bottoms had trap doors. At the END Iwas that person on page 151 in the BB.and I was at the jumping OFF place. I choice to live and my HP led me to the rooms of AA. and thru the GRACE of GOD, you people in these rooms, and the AA program I have 2yrs last sunday LIfe is still unmanagable. the thing is that I can accept that today thax for letting my share PEACEOUT


Member: lauren
Location: Chesapeake Bay
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 09:15:43

Comments

hi - I'm lauren and i am an alcohoic. My last drink was on 3/3/80. I had been in AA for three weeks and found these people to exactly understand what my drinking was all about.(I drank one last time, just to make sure they were right!) Anyway, the phrase that sums it up for me is that i was SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED. At my bottom, i just could not believe my life was so worthless and pointless and t age 33 going absolutely nowhere.My moment of truth came when my denial NO LONGER WORKED and i KNEW that alcohol was the reason i felt the way i did and things were the way they were. I got to AA a few days later and they told me to LISTEN AND follow directions and I would get better. They were right and i am grateful - and like rivener, now have the house, the job, the car and even own stock, ME - a drunk. Wow.


Member: Bruce T.
Location: Toronto, Ontario.
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 11:01:00

Comments

Hi my name is Bruce and I'm an alcoholic and addict. The 1st step for me means I would rather live than die. At my last drunk, after 11 years of 3x detox, I with my H.P. decoded not to jump off the bridge and to call someone and go to a meeting. I remmember that day well. It's been awhile now but I hope I never forget it. Hope we all have another day of soberiety. THANKS.


Member: Corinne B.
Location: Snowed-in at 2400' in Camino, CA
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 11:31:18

Comments

Hi (((Family))) - Corinne, Alcoholic here, there & everywhere!

Sheryl, it's hard for me to point to any one particular event that brought me here. It has been a series of events, the seeds that get planted along the way, both times around, that have shown me to the doors of AA. Lauren, when you said your denial no longer worked, it made me remember when I was first in the program and analyzing everything the way we do... I was thinking about how paranoid I got on all the different substances I used over the years, and how I switched to and from different ones, trying to find one that would not send me into such panic. Even alcohol stopped working; the hangovers & blackouts & jitters, oh my! What paranoia those brought in the days that would follow my "flings!" In my first few months of recovery in '86, I finally realized that not one substance has the ability to make me paranoid; it was simply my system of denial slipping away. I knew deep down that I was slowly killing myself; my spirit most of all.

Sheryl, thanks for the topic, for I truly am Powerless over Alcohol, and my life is totally unmanageable, and for the realization of all that, I am truly grateful to you, AA, & HP! Thanks!


Member: Bill T.
Location: Eastern shore MD
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 12:02:06

Comments

Bill T. - alcoholc - little things like having my electricty shut off and calling the company and indignantly informing them that I had money and being reminded that I was supposed to send some to them - or coming out of a blackout on a NYC subway train looking down on my high priced shoes on which I had thrown up and then looking to my left and then to my right to see clusters of other passengers as far away from me as they could get - and countless more such episodes over a 30 year drinking career. So I told my doctor that I thought I must have psychological problems and that he needed to refer me to a therapist. He was a retired army doctor and agreed he would make the referal BUT only after I went to AA for a while. That was over 29 years ago and I never did go back for that referal.


Member: Phil G.
Location: Canada
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 13:50:07

Comments

I am 3 days sober and I am having trouble understanding steps 2&3 and my sponsor suggested that I get a bit of advice. Can any one help?


Member: Barbie I
Location: Michigan
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 14:11:45

Comments

The 1st step didn't mean alot to me at first - but I could agree my life was unmanageable - But what I found that very first night at AA was a new way of life - A new life that I didn't even know I had been looking for - I've stayed sober one day at a time ever since 12 years and I'm very very grateful to be recovering


Member: Phil G.
Location: Oakville,Ontario,Canada
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 14:41:12

Comments

Thanks Barbie.


Member: tony g
Location: ma
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 15:46:39

Comments

sitting on a bar stool with a shot of rum and a beer in front of me.feeling totally hollow,knowing that other people where out thier actually enjoyinglife,sharing love and being wholesome,why not me? i was sitting on a stool in a chinese resturant afraid of life,listening to some old guy tell me that the wristwatch he had on was the best wristwatch he ever owned.i could feel my face being puffy from drinking alot,i was feeling lower than i ever did in my life.it was Christmas that day and i was so alone...in walked my younger brother ,he was looking for me,he knew,i couldn"t hide it(from me) any more.i started crying,i told him i was a bum and please don"t be like me,i love him to much to see him do what i have done,to himself.right their was when i accepted step one,i"ve since accepted all the other steps too,thank God i will never forget that christmas day,it was the worse and the best day of my life to see step one,plain and clear.my God i love life today,work hard work aa steps and reach for and give to other people.it"s a MIRACLE and it does happen!!!i love my brother,and he said he wants to live in my likeness, imagein that!my name is tony ,i"m an alcoholic.Sheryl,excelant topic especially for this time of year,thanks Sheryl and to all others too!!!!!


Member: Sandi D.
Location: Salem, OR
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 16:05:18

Comments

Sandi, Alcoholic.

Thank you for the topic: 1st step.

I am powerless over alcohol (and everything else) and my life is unmanagable (especially when I think I am in control).

I was taught when I got here that if I don't drink I can't get drunk. That is soooooo true. This has saved my behind more than a few times.

This disease is a life threatening illness and I know that if I drink again, I am choosing to die. I probably won't be lucky enough to die right away but will suffer for a long time.

The first step has taught me that I do have one more drunk in me but I don't believe I will ever be able to get sober again and I LIKE my sobriety and the benefits that come with it.

Keep coming back Sheryl and sooner or later, the program will work for you even if you don't want it to. It did for me and I have been sober since 1984 (not because I wanted to be in the beginning). Today, I want to be sober and pray each day for my HP to control my life so I don't mess it up.

thank you all for being here for me and my sobriety.


Member: Brian H.
Location: Hamilton Ontario Canada
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 17:35:22

Comments

Having just celebrated the first anniversary of my first A.A. meeting, a discussion of the First Step seems so appropriate. It was very tough for me to admit that I was whipped by the old "demon alcohol" but my shattered physical health, emotional instabilty and spiritual bankruptcy were proof enough that my will power was abolutely powerless to deal with my beer compulsion. What a blessing it was to sincerely take that first step. Tonight, I'll be taking a good friend to her first meeting...to be asked to do some 12 step work is so cool ! I pray for a sober 24 hours for all along the Staying Cyber line.


Member: Marilyn W
Location: Ohio
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 19:55:43

Comments

Hi everyone, Marilyn, alcoholic. Like it has been said before Step One was a series of events for me. My drinking was all screwed up , sometimes I would go out and drink and drink and not get drunk and then other times I'd have two drinks and black out or get real drunk fast. I was raised with an alcoholic so I knew alot of the misery first hand so when I started needing alcohol everyday and something to go to sleep on every night (codeine from my local dentist) I knew I had problems. But when my best friend at the time went away for cocaine treatment and I had been partying more than she I got real scared. My last drunk was not a rip roaring good time. I didn't even get plastered but I knew that I coulcn't stop on my own and because God could see my bottom before I could he had several people in the program just waiting for me to ask for help. That makes it sound really simple but I caused alot of pain and misery to those around me. To Phil on Step 2 and 3. It was hard for me to look at my insanity because I could see everyone elses mental illness but I wasnot mentally ill. People in AA gave me anew definition for insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and that hit home all over the place. When I realized that an insane individual had been trying to run the show it was a little easier to turn it over to God. The hardest part is always turning my will over. After 12 years it is becoming easier because I always reap the benefits when I do that. I just have a quick forgetter!Enough rambling and thanks for a great topic!


Member: Rivner
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 20:10:34

Comments

Howdy! Alcoholic; Rivner. PHIL G. OF CANADA. The Discussion Meeting is generally reserved for topic discussion. If you like, you can E-mail me and we can rap a bit about 2&3. If you don't have Email you can pop over to the Coffee Pot Meeting and ask the same question. You'll get a ton of feedback. Conversations are looser there. That's what the CP meeting is for. Riv <rivner@aol.com>


Member: Rivner
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 20:10:53

Comments

Howdy! Alcoholic; Rivner. PHIL G. OF CANADA. The Discussion Meeting is generally reserved for topic discussion. If you like, you can E-mail me and we can rap a bit about 2&3. If you don't have Email you can pop over to the Coffee Pot Meeting and ask the same question. You'll get a ton of feedback. Conversations are looser there. That's what the CP meeting is for. Riv <rivner@aol.com>


Member: karen a
Location: sydney australia
Date: 06 Dec 1998
Time: 21:02:56

Comments

i have just taken my first step. Today I finally got the courage to phone AA and I am going to my first meeting tonight.I am scared and nervous but I am so sick of feeling hungover and embarrassed,I want to stop drinking. It seems so hard .


Member: fred w
Location: portland or.
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 00:09:24

Comments

Hi,my name is fred and I'am a alcoholic,the first stepwell I was in denial for the first five times in detox it took that many times of trying to beat it untill I figured out I couldn't butI just kept drinking on and off any way for another 18 years well I got 5 mos. now and just hanging in there the best I can, one day at a time is the best that I can do!! I have to practise alot of patience have to stay focused on hope I keep telling myself things could be worse well I made it through another day!! bye freddy


Member: Bill W
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 01:21:08

Comments

Morning friends I'm Bill and I'm an alcoholic. I knew that I had a problem but it wasn't until my Dr. had a look a some test results and refered me to AA. Wouldn't you know he was in Alanon. That was the start of a new life for me. My first meeting was that night and I didn't learn much but did find out where there was another meeting. That's when I found out more about stepone. The only one I can do to perfectiion. To Karen A in Sydney my congratulations. It will get better. The information you want on steps 2 & 3 has been mentioned but you might also read the 12 x 12 and the Big Book. Took me awhile but today I'm glad I did these two steps. When I let my HP run things I have a great day but when I want steer things just don't seem to work out at all. Have another 24 hours of sobriety.


Member: Karen B.
Location: Tucson, AZ
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 03:26:06

Comments

I knew I had trouble when I was 18 or 19 because of the blackouts. But I remembered the euphoria and just couldn't seem to get it back. I tried moving from home, thinking it was my mother's fault. When she died, I was 21 and I made a melodramatic promise to her at the wake - I promised her I'd never become an alcoholic. Now, I guess I must have suspected that I already was one, because i didn't promise that i'd never become a diabetic or a thief. I came to AA because i couldn't get to my classes and i just kept falling down. I felt like alcohol was personified - like an evil demon that wouldn't let me go no matter how hard I tried. And I did try. I learned then that I couldn't do it on my own. What a dilemma - a loner who needs other people! I wish i could take you by the hand to a meeting. Thanks for sharing - it also helps me to hear this stuff because I've been sober for years but I've fooled myself into being so busy that I haven't been going to meetings lately. It's a disease that makes you forget how vital it is to tend to it every day.


Member: Chuck Le C
Location: Yreka, No. Calif.
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 03:50:24

Comments

Hi everybody I'am an alcoholic and my problem is Chuck. Step one is an obvious good choice to start with as kindergarden was in school. Alcoholics Anonomous is a sort of school without graduation of course. The twelve grades of school and our twelve steps have one thing in common. When you get through your twelve steps of A.A. you have attained another way of life. When i got here i had flunked first grade, recess , summer vacation . Starting with the first step this the beginning of a new life. Like i said i flunked my first. The first step is in two parts. we admitted we were powerless over alcohol ,___ That our lives had became unmanageable. Alcohol wasn't my biggest problem I was . I had to go to a lot of meetings to be able to tell you this. How do you stay sober in four words, TOUGH SHIT DONT DRINK What ever bugs you or doesn"t bug you T.S.D.D. it really works. Last week i wrote a short message hoping corrine from camino would read what I said . I was there in 1951 when they opened the mill Mich Calif Lnbr Co. I would love to chat with her on the internet here is my E mail Address ICQ 13430570 I hope i made some sense on these holidays.


Member: Rivner
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 07:09:18

Comments

Howdy neighbors! Alcoholic; Rivner. It's a nice peaceful mornin' with snow fluffin' up all over the desert. It's the kind of day where the sky lowers down and makes ya wanna just cozy up 'n' be reflective about how nice it can be. Past experience shows me that this day can work real well for me if I take the plans I'VE made and turn them over to God for His editing. I'll find a trail that'l get me home safe every time. Whenever I run off with my plans without *checkin in*, I usually get on some path that meanders around like some drunk cut it through the snow (wonder who that could have been). Nothin' like followin' my own dumb ass around all day to make me feel real bright by sundown. Strikes me flat-out grand that every time I get into these rooms and look around, all I see are these little signs on the walls with all these free directions about how to get through the day standin' up. Now the truth is: all this snow means I have to completely rearrange the doin's of a couple of work crews and explain to my clients that the delays are a consequence of God's work, not mine. This is where wantin' it MY WAY can get stuck in my craw. So I'm startin' out here. I can't wait ta see what interesting trail God will put me on today. It sure ain't gonna be the one I had in mind, but you can bet your cash cow it will be the one marked "Trudge Here For Happy Destiny (and keep your eyes peeled - the disease can leap out at ya from behind a tree in a red-hot second)"


Member: Debbie C
Location: Colorado
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 11:35:55

Comments

I am Debbie, and a very grateful recovering alcoholic. Karen A., congratulations on making that call....I called AA directly as well (16 years ago) and was scared as hell, but it was the best decision I ever made in my life...Hang in there and as they told me "stick with the winners" and you will be OK. God guarantees it!!! Step 1 huh? Well, I must admit that I am experiencing a tremendous amount of unmanagability in my life right now. I want to have full control and mold my destiny just the way I want it to look. My alcoholic thinking is at it's most cunning right now. You know, the old "well, if I do this, then that will happen." The truth is that my life is in painful turmoil right now. I need to recognize just how unmanageable it really is and scream out for GOD's and the fellowship's help. Not only am I powerless over alcohol, but I am powerless over all aspects of my life. I fight with this concept often and am battling with it right now. I know that I must let go and let God, but this disease we call alcholism is currently at it's most baffling for me. I want the quick fix and I want it now!!! Thanks for the topic of Step 1. I needed to remember just how powerful this disease can be. I feel as though I am in process of beginning again and need all the help I can get. Although my heart hurts tremendously right now, I am comforted to know that I can start these steps all over again without any judgement from the people in this program or my Higher Power. Thanks for letting me share......I am truly POWERLESS!!!!


Member: Kristi C
Location: Snowy Phoenix?
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 13:33:51

Comments

Hi, Kristi alcoholic. I didn't get it. Step 1 I mean. I was keeping up with the bills, putting air in the tires, keeping my house clean and food in my belly. Life was manageable...so I thought. There was so much more that my life was comprised of besides keeping up with the day to day stuff, but I was too drunk to understand that.

Now, by the grace of God I know what "unmanageable" meant and how to put manageability back into my life. There are so many more things to manage than the bills. Once I got sober...I understood. PHIL G. FROM CANADA: I don't give advise, just some gentle direction...slow down. You're 3 days sober and there are so many wonderful and seemingly ELUSIVE things to learn and grown into. Take your time and stay in the moment. Get through Step 1 and the rest will come. Work with your sponsor. Steps 2 & 3 are very difficult to grasp...for some...was for me.

"e" ya later...


Member: Kathy F
Location: Carlisle,IA
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 13:54:40

Comments

Hi my name is Kathy and I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I like talking about the first step and what brought me into AA - I have to remember where I was so I don't go back.

Everyone around me knew I was a drunk - everytime I drank I got drunk. I could go a few days inbetween and then say just 1 but still get drunk. I tried many times to stop on my own but I couldn't muster more than a week or two. I ended up in treatment at age 17 - senior in high school. I graduated from treatment and high school in the same week. I had told myself that I just needed to stay away from the booze and stuff till I was 21 - thinking then I'll be ok. I didn't last that long. I had several relapses that summer. The worst 2 events were 1) almost ODing while on the softball field for my highschool team 2) smoking crack before a ball game and still not having my cleared (all I remember of the game is that I made an error on the only ball hit to me and that I didn't even touch the ball when I batted.) I had always told myself that I would never do 3 things... do coke, do needles, or smoke crack. I HAD CROSSED MY OWN LINE. I went through relapse group at my after care group and headed off to college. I thought I was doing great - then in May I relapsed again. I was going to meetings but I wasn't taking it with me. I wasn't working the steps or following the suggestions given to me. It wasn't my worse drunk ever but I had let myself down. I ended up crying my eyes out and pleading for help.

I've now been clean and sober since May 3, 1991. I would've never made it this far if it weren't for what I learned at meetings and from the big book.

I know that alcohol and drugs are not something that I can have in my live. And that without God my life is nothing.

Kathy F


Member: Teri F.
Location: Ohio
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 14:00:56

Comments

Hi everybody! I'm an alcoholic and my name is Teri. I'm grateful to be sober today and involved in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Phil G.----My sponsor told me early on that if I'm having trouble with a step then perhaps I haven't completed the step before. She also stressed to me that it is very important to work ONE STEP AT A TIME! At 3 days sober I had trouble remembering my name!! Remember "Easy does it".

Sheryl, thanks for the topic. When I got to AA I was hopeless, helpless, and useless. I was married to an alcoholic who'd left me a couple of days after I'd had major surgery. I had no job, no money, my house was being repossessed, my fourth marriage was coming to an end but I wasn't convinced that alcohol was my problem. It just couldn't be. How could I live through all this misery without drinking? Alcohol and drugs were the only coping tools I had.

I had a tent and about a hundred bucks and was going to take my 2 dogs and live in the woods for the next 8 weeks until I recovered from my surgery and could go back to work. I thought that $100 would buy me enough dog food and booze to last for 8 weeks! Talk about insanity!!

Those of us fortunate to make it to this fellowship didn't just drop in because we had nothing else to do that day. Most of us have hit rock bottom and then some. There is no secret to staying sober a day at a time. All you have to do is not pick up that first drink. If you want help, you are in the right place. But no one has a magic wand to wave over your head to take away the compulsion to drink. That is between you and your God. This program is for people who want it. It takes willingness, honesty, and an open mind to begin the process of recovery. If you are honest enough with yourself to admit that you are powerless over alcohol then you are on the right track. If you can be open minded enough to believe that this program can work for you and become willing to go to ANY length to stay sober, you are ready to embark on this awesome journey.

BUT........you have to want to stay sober more than you want to drink. You have to put the drink down and go to a meeting EVERY DAY!! You have to be willing to read that big blue book ( all the black parts <G>),and you have to be willing to grab a hold of the hand of AA and hang on.

Sheryl, I appreciate the topic and am really glad you keep posting here. If you want to get and stay sober, you can. The ONLY way I know how to do that is just not drink a day at a time. I truly believe you'll figure that out when you are ready.

My prayers are with you......


Member: Terri O
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 17:02:23

Comments

Hello everybody, my name is Terri also, and I am an alcoholic.

Step 1 is a great topic for me today, since I found out that the job that I thought I was going to have, I'm not going to have, and the other, 'backup' job, is taken too. See how well I managed all that?

About as well as I managed my drinking...what got me into the program after an 8 year relapse (7 years sober before), was the progression to the point where my hands were shaking so hard in the morning, I was afraid to wash my dishes for fear I'd break a glass. My liver was enlarged, and I had the dry heaves every day (switching brands of toothpaste did not help me stop gagging). Headaches were not too unmanageable, though - a little hair of the dog would stop that! I just would not accept that I had this disease - you see, I hadn't lost my job (a very good job), I still had my husband (at least on paper). I was not raised in an alcoholic home. Yet I could not stop, or even control amounts, of alcohol. Oh I loved my Scotch whiskey!

This was my life every single day for two years (longer, I don't know when was my last sober day before May 11th). I called AA in Moscow, Russia, and they were there for me! I couldn't believe it - no one judged me, they just helped me to see that I was a sick pup, who could get well with their help and God's help. I have almost 7 months sober and I am so happy and grateful.

Special love to you, Karen in Australia, I remember how bad I felt when I came in, and I still have desires to drink, but they come fewer and farther in between. What has helped me the most is to do what I am told by the old timers - get on my knees every day and ask God to keep me sober. This has worked for seven months, I have had many peaceful and lovely days, even though I would not get any awards for my belief system - I do not relate to nebulous concepts of Higher Powers, that's why I get on my knees, it appeals to the "terra firma" in me.

Many many thanks to all of you in AA for being there for me before it was too late.


Member: Corinne B.
Location: Camino, CA
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 20:37:00

Comments

To CHUCK in YREKA, CA... The E-Mail address you listed does not work. Please E-Mail Corinne B. in Camino at: kokomoro@yahoo.com


Member: Frank J.
Location: Odessa, Ont. Canada
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 22:39:19

Comments

Hi I am an alcoholic and my name is Frank. Step one was difficult for me to accept. It took me somewhere between 4 to 6 months of attending many many meetings something sunk in that I had a problem with alcohol. I had introduced myself as an alcoholic but I still thought that I could striaghten my life out on my own. I kept sharing only what I thought people want to hear or what I thought I should say. When I accepted Step one and started to look at myself I could feel a change. It didn't happen over night. Today I live one day at a time and attend 3 to 4 meetings a week. Today I can accept life on lifes terms with all its ups and downs. Thanks for letting me share. Frank


Member: Doug
Location: Tennessee
Date: 07 Dec 1998
Time: 22:51:06

Comments

What got me here? I never want to forget what it was like and every day I realize more and more how bad it was. From early childhood I was fascinated with alchohol. At the age of about 4 I picked up my first beer that was left on the patio, drank a few sips, and " performed " for everyone on the swingset. I hit full gear in college and upon graduation could then afford to drink as much as I wanted to, not realizing the effect alcohol was having on me. I should say I could afford it during periods of employment and would never attribute my problem with holding jobs down to my excessive drinking. Mind you, I just drank heavily and hey, I didn't like playings politics so I just got screwed at the office. Always them-never me.

Anyway, I think 2 things got me here. First, I new I had a problem and for years tried to quit on my own. I just got tired of fighting it. I even hoped that I would get a DUI hoping that I would be forced into rehab and I couldn't even do that. Secondly, during one of my periods of unemployment, our first daughter was born and prior to her birth we were notified of some very serious conditions. Specifically, Down Syndrome and a heart defect requiring two open heart surgeries. Being the good father and alcoholic, I had to mourn and I think you know the rest. Six months after the second surgery I got to the point where I couldn't stand the guilt and the remorse associated with my behavior. I was beaten and knew that I had to find a way out.

I love coming into the rooms of alcoholics anonymous because I know you people can help me get better. I normally don't say much and it's time to tuck the baby in. All is truly well. Merry Christmas!


Member: Paul L
Location: New Orleans, La.
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 01:55:26

Comments

Hi, My name is Paul & I am an alcholic. Went to a great meeting tonite. Took me about 3 years to admit to my innerself that I am an alcholic, that I am truly powerless over alcohol & any mind altering chemical(mac) & my life had become unmanageable. Sometimes I don't like the fact that I am alcholic, but I accept the fact that I am and that's O.K. I'm just so grateful that Ifound AA and that I am learning the tools I need to live sober & enjoy my life, thanks to all of you in the fellowhip of AA.


Member: Robert B.
Location: Boise Idaho
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 10:08:47

Comments

My name is Robert and I'm an alcoholic. I remain powerless over alcohol. On my own power I can't produce a desired effect upon my life, therefore my life is unmanageable by me. When I went to my first AA meeting I knew I was alcoholic, I knew I was powerless over alcohol, I knew I must abstain from alcohol. What came as a surprise to me was that I was powerless over my life. What a Concept! Yet there was no lack of evidence to support this idea. There was nothing I hadn't screwed up. I've been sober for 15 yrs now, and I still can't manage my own life. The only way to make things work in my life is to give it all to God. Surrender has been the only life managing technique that I have been able to apply with desired results. Blessed Be! Robert


Member: Susiep
Location: Dallas, TX
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 10:21:54

Comments

Well the first step is a great topic for me. This is my first day (once again) to try to stop drinking. I am so tired of not getting a good nights sleep. I would love to have a peaceful sleep without waking up in the middle of the night and staying awake for hours. The things I have done while drinking! I've been drinking since I was 15, I'm 34 now. There are many reasons I want to stop. Mostly, I want to quit feeling alienated from the world. Quit feeling like I have to hide from everyone. I know I am ready to quit but I've been ready a long time. I am so glad I found this site. I've went to meetings but then I mess up and I get embarrassed to go back. I know that if I take that first drink I will not stop there. I don't want to take that drink today (or ever again!). I will work on today for now. Thank you for letting me share.


Member: Arved S.
Location: Nova Scotia
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 12:09:26

Comments

What did me in was classic - it worked because it was sordid and sad. The very first welfare cheque I ever got in my life, at the age of 35, facing eviction in less than 2 weeks during a Canadian winter, and I drank it up over the course of 3 or 4 days. Well, I had a long haul in shelters and halfway houses after that, but sobering up after my welfare spree, only to realize that I couldn't even drink successfully on social assistance, was pretty much what did me in. Odd that none of the really serious stuff ever hit home like that. I guess it doesn't matter, though. At least something finally clicked. I'm grateful to be sober today, and I'm grateful to be in AA. Best of the season to everyone.


Member: Michelle V
Location: Chicago IL
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 12:50:21

Comments

I'm Michelle, an alcoholic. For me, I felt as though my soul were dying before my very eyes. I had reached the very familiar "can't live with it, but can't live without it." In my desparation I asked God (the God I had rejected thirty years before) to help me. I gave up. Alcohol had me beat. The next day I called AA, went to my first meeting, and haven't had a drink since. It was only after I had surrendered to my Higher Power that I could stop drinking. Today, I use the first step with all obstacles I encounter--I just can't manage on my own. But, when I give it to God things are good again. I came into the program in order to stop drinking. Little did I know that through the program I would learn how to live. I found my home in AA and my life was given back to me through it. I thank God eveyday for that and pray that I never, ever forget how horrible my life was before I came into this program. Thanks to everyone for sharing.


Member: Wiley M
Location: Costa mesa, CA
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 15:46:06

Comments

hey now! Im Wiley and im an alcoholic. step one This is my first time writing in one of these so bare with me. let me start off by saying i drank for days. id had alot of people (girlfreinds,freinds)tell me i was an alcoholic or that i may have a problem with drinking. i remember one incident in particular where i had blacked out the night befor and was questioning my drinking buddy about what had hapened that night as he drove me home the next day. When all of a sudden he pulled over to the side of the road so he could puke out his door. i being a good freind looked over at him and told him that if i puked every morning after drinking as he did i would quit. Then he had the balls to look over at me and say " Wiley if i couldent ever remember the night before id quit drinking!"and that put an end to trying to help him. that comment actually brought back a memory of a time i had tried to quit. i beleive it was my brightest moment of clairity and in turn, helped me three years later when i found AA. I had made it about four days without drinking wich was quite a spand for me. the only way i got four days was by taking on more physical exersise. karate was my new drug of choice and i had been in it much longer than four days but now it was my security and my safehouse. Anyway not to go into to much detail we were doing a three man stretch and my groin was pulled. well their went that obsession.the very next day i was driving home straight from work and passed my favorit bar. needless to say like many of us i dident much care to be alone with myself, so i went in with the solem oath to only have one beer. well i made it that day with just the one, but someone must have turned the electromagnet on in their cause the steel plate in my forhead was drawn to it every day after that now mind you i started off with one making it ok to have two the next day and so on,and so on. You know were im going. well the whole time this was going on, i for the first time knew it was. it was my first glimps at my drinking patern and i saw it. i said it out loud to myself in my car as i entered the bars parking lot,"here i go im getting sick again wont be long now until im loaded for a month straight.well i tried to think of somthing that could help me but i was to proud to go to AA. AA was for bums and wineos. well all i can say is that im glad i finally got here. getting back to the first step, in my first few weeks of AA some kind soul bought me a book and i read it. relating to what was printed on the pages like i never related to anything before. when i read the first step for the first time,now mind you i said read not heard, i knew without a dout i was powerless over alcohol and when i really thought about it and was honest with myself, my life was unmanageable. thanks for leting me type, and for anyone whos new id just like to say, You never have to drink or use again if you dont want to!


Member: Mary Ellen H.
Location: Weed, Ca.
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 18:04:33

Comments

Hi, I am Mary Ellen and I am an alcoholic. I came to AA because I didn't know where else to go. I remember having a tremendous fear of not having something to drink when I got off work. This was my wake up to powerlessness. Since then I have learned through the people in the rooms of AA that I'm not only powerless over alcohol, but I am powerless over people, places, and things. My life was unmanageable and the more I tried to control it the more unmanageable it became, and still becomes when I'm trying to be the boss. I've been around just a short while, but the lessons have been many. One of the greatest lessons was, I have 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren, I was shown they have a Higher Power in their lives and I'm not it. When having difficulty controling my life the next best thing was trying to control theirs. In that process, of course, my life was in a state of massive unmanageability. Today, for me step one is an on going process and I have to be reminded I am powerless. I do have a Higher Power who knows what is best for me and things in my life are manageable when the Creator is managing, not me. Thank you for allowing me to share. One of the many gifts I have been given in AA, the gift of being able to share. Hello to Chuck C in Yreka who's words of experience have been a great help to me over the past few years in recovery.


Member: JAMES  S
Location: NORTHEAST WA.
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 21:04:31

Comments

HI, everybody James here very good topic i had trouble with steps 2and3 until i done a very good step 1 thanks james s


Member: dana r
Location: milwaukee
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 22:33:49

Comments

Hi, I'm Dana and by golly, me tinks me may be an alchoholic! Although it seems to me that there may be different meanings to different people. My life is not out of control or "unmanagable". I'm a single parent, homeowner, student and in upper management. I have a high tolerance for alchohol, yes from many, many years of practice. I am doing fine in financially and at school, work, etc...but I find myself unable to not drink after just 2 or 3 days of not drinking. That is not what I want to be a defining attribute! Is this not "serious" enough to engage in conversations at meetings? I am thinking of attending some in person. I'm not sure I would fit in. I'm always considered the one that has it all together. Will it be different in these meetings?


Member: Chris H.
Location:
Date: 08 Dec 1998
Time: 23:14:38

Comments

Hi, I'm Chris and I'm an alchoholic. Well, is life unmanageable, yep, it sure is. I am exhausted. I have been through so much, and I have so far to go. Sometimes life is sure strange. God's will and God's timing is a gift. We only get what we can handle at the time, too bad he thinks so highly of me. Thoughts like this keep streaming through my head. Thank God for this program and for the fellowship. The honest and sincere support I have gotten gets me through and keeps me sober. Ouch! sometimes life hurts, but I know that God has a plan for my life and lessons for me to learn, I just have to hear when he speaks, and that is sometimes so hard when my will gets in the way. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Sheryl
Location: Ga
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 04:33:46

Comments

Dana, welcome!! I just had to post and let you know that you just described me (minus the kids) about8 years ago. I was more than functional, I was exceling at work, etc..and totally self sufficient That is the same year I went to treatment, and when I left there, I felt much the same way you described about AA meetings. Thats all changed for me now. Im almost 34, have lost 2 jobs due to drinking, drinking daily, basically the complete opposite of what I was. It DOES get worse if it continues. and its just my opinion, but ANY problem with alcohol is serious. I hope you take a chance and check out a meeting.

Sorry to post twice in one week, but I couldnt not respond.


Member: richard m
Location: sarasota ,fla
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 08:48:34

Comments

i am a alcoholic. my name is richard. i could say the first step easily enough. comprehension of the first step took along time .......about four years for me before the awareness of the truth about myself finally rooted out the denial. i realized that god really was carring me during those early years. the "we" part of the first step came thru to me about our meetings. i could see how meetings carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers...because i was that alcoholic many, many times!!!!! many of us have heard of the character defect "du jour " ...i was sure that i had all the right answers. this month i celebrate 4384 days of contiguous sobriety. only thru the grace of god .....


Member: Micky B.
Location: Seattle, Wa
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 12:20:17

Comments

To Phil G. Congrats on your few days sober!!!Good job! As regards to steps 2 and 3, my advice would be, realise that you are on step one. Don't think about 2 and 3 right now too much. If you want to read a good book though, read Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions which you can get from your local 12-step shop or A.A. meeting. It offers excellent insights into the steps. Don't get ahead of yourself, just take it one day at a time as they say. I'm prayin' for ya! Micky


Member: GraniaW
Location: London, England
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 13:14:46

Comments

Probably the most frightening period of my life was the period between my having taken the first step and getting to my first meeting. I say that as I realised that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable about three years before I came to AA. I spent those years trying to quit on my own, and I think most of us know the nightmare that this involves. So what is the difference in fully understanding and accepting the first step in the context of AA? I believe it is to do with vocalising the situation in an environment that is safe, supportive and full of peers - not doctors, councellors, employers, spouses etc. To me the essence of the first step is that I accepted that alcohol IS JUST NO LONGER AN OPTION FOR ME. I equate it to realising that I can no longer accept the challenge to arm wrestle with the devil. The first step being in the forefront of my mind (where I hope and pray it will remain) lets me walk on by and say "no thanks". Everything I have in my life now (which is amazing, in terms of quality and oppertunity since I got sober) is entirely dependant upon this.


Member: Gail R.
Location: Cabot, Arkansas, USA
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 16:45:22

Comments

Hello everyone, my name is Alcoholic and my problem is Gail. Step One is the most important step, and the only one which we must work perfectly, before we proceed to the other steps and a happy life of sobriety. By the time my disease clobbered me, in 1994, I had no difficulty knowing I had a problem. My trouble was gathering the courage to face the solution! My life was unmanageable with my daily medicine (drink, drugs, distractions). There was no doubt to anyone, including me, that I was powerless over everything. When King Alcoholc summoned, I had to answer, no matter who or what stood in my way. My son, my husband, my job was not important enough to me to keep me from running to the King. Guilt was my constant tormentor, sleep escaped me, terror my companion, dread dogged my every step as I waited for my life to crumble down around my ears. Then, mercifully, I did the unthinkable, which brought me to my knees wanting to end my miserable life. Then my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, rescused me from myself -- wouldn't let me kill myself. Then in desperation, I prayed "God, help me!" -- that's all He needed to hear in order to take away my obsession to drink. The next day I found AA and eagerly sought a sponsor, with the willingness of a dying woman. Life has not been a bed of roses since that day, but my worst day sober beats my best day drinking by miles! I'm learning to live, and to enjoy life! AA is my life, because I owe my life to this fellowship and everyone in it. Thank you for this forum and allowing me to share. God bless you this season and always.


Member: Bruce A.
Location: Bovard,Pa
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 18:59:56

Comments

Powerlessness and unmanageability. Wow1 Thanks Sheryl for the topic. I tried A.A in Feb. of 83 and came for 3 mos. and thought i knew everything about staying sober. I tried on my own again to stay sober and I did for a week. They said it would get worse and it did. for three months I was lost and contemplating suicide. Then The day came when I drank all night and I couldn,t get drunk but wasn,t sober. Then the light bulb went on! I knew where to go I had already been there. I went back to A.A. and surrendered to the fact that I was powerless and my life was unmanageable. This was Sept. 10th 1983. One day at at time I,ve been willing to stay sober. Keep coming back .


Member: Marilyn
Location: Michigan
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 19:09:39

Comments

My name is Marilyn and I am an alcoholic,I really enjoy reading everyone's comments on whatever the discussion for the week happens to be.thanks for being there to share with me----time to go to the AA meeting now. take good care! love---Marilyn


Member: Joyanne F..
Location: Colorado
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 20:23:26

Comments

Hi - my name is Joyanne and I am an alcoholic for sure. So grateful for AA. I had no idea that I was an alcoholic and that my life was unmanageable. I drank for 10 years, had blackouts, lied, cheated, stole alcohol when I didn't have the money, broke into houses, neglected and abused my children, went through 3 husbands and nearly killed the last one in an alcoholic rage, lost every bit of self-respect, afraid of everthing and everyone from the time I woke up until I went to bed (I should say passed out) ended up in a locked psycho ward and felt right at home but still didn't think I was an alcoholic. One night after coming out of a blackout I was sitting up in my bed with glass in hand scared I would not be able to make it one more day. The bed was all wet and I had food all over my clothes and my children were crying. I called the police and they got me in touch with an AA member named Ron. We talked and I asked him to promise me that AA worked. He said "I promise". I didn't know that Ron had been round AA for about 20 years and had not been able to put together more then 1 year of sobriety. Eventually Ron ended up on a alcoholic coma and was bedridden in a coma for one year before he died. God's grace graced me with sobriety that night and the next day I went to my first AA meeting. The obsession was lifted that meeting and I have been sober since. I have learned in my 32 years of sobriety that my sobriety comes first no matter what. Each time I have put my sobriety first everything has worked out. They told me to keep the plug in the jug and reach out to another alcoholic when in a bad place. I did what the old timers told me to do and it worked. A drink will never make anything better. Like the book says you have to admit to your inner most self that you are an alcoholic. I am grateful to be an alcoholic and have these wonderful steps in my life so I continue to grow and learn each day how to love my fellowman. Thanks to you all for being here. I am new in this group. Joyanne F.


Member: Betty D.
Location: Fayetteville, AR
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 22:46:05

Comments

Hi all, I'm Betty and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the wonderful world of AA, particularly the new people who are trying out the program. The first step is a killer. If you don't take it, you're dead. Even if you never get to the rest of the steps, Step 1 is the most important of all. I know I started out surrounding myself with people who drank more than I did, so that meant I didn't have a problem. Then I thought "Weeelll,,just maybe", and the big step came one day when I tried to quit and I couldn't. Each day I would say that was the one and I never made it through the day. I finally called AA and went to a couple of meetings but I drank between meetings. Finally I had to go to treatment. That was eight years ago and for some reason the program "took". I've seen so many people go back out again because they thought they had finally learned how to drink. They really never took the first step. I'll keep this short because I just found this site, but I had to add something if just to say I have a whole different life now. More importantly, I am still alive. Without AA I wouldn't be.


Member: Chuck K.
Location: Beaumont, TX
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 23:05:13

Comments

My name is Chuck and I am an alcoholic. It's only by the Grace of God doing for me today what I could never do for myself that I am sober. My last drink was May 27, 1984. I am just as powerless over alcohol today as I was when I got here, and my life is still unmanageable by me. The funny thing is that I truly don't feel either of these things in the literal sense that they sound. It's because the first step is nothing more than a baby wobble towards the surrender that comes through the next eleven, step by step. I tended to overcomplicate this for a while, but thanks to a great sponsor, I realized eventually that deep down, I knew I could neither stay sober nor manage my own life. I can only say now that I am grateful for the first step, grateful that I still know that today nothing has changed--nothing but me. And that change started with coming to believe that a Power Greater Than Myself could do for me what I could never do for myself. And He has.

Thanks for being online A.A. I love you all.


Member: AL T.
Location: SASK. CANADA
Date: 09 Dec 1998
Time: 23:16:43

Comments

My names is Al alcholic. I started drinking around 15. I found booze took away my inhabitions. It made me feel free and powerful. I had blackouts many times, 2 DWI's drank almost every weekend but never thought I was alcholic. After 20 years of drinking Al the happy drunk turned into an abusive ,[ verbal and phisical] angry ,and very sick drunk. Unfortunatly my family took most or all of the abuse. That ended when my wife could not take any more and we seperated. I was very fortunate and found AA. I had to give up to win. Step 1 was quite a relief, I was powerless over alchohol NOT going crazy. I learned that I had a disease, why I drank the way I did, and why " for all the tea in China" I could not stop. Cunning baffling powerful and I heard someone say very patient. I had my 1 year cake last month and I shared a piece with my wife [now alanon]. I know I can't take the credit for that. AA and my HP have got me to this point. The AA way is the path I pray to stay on. It has given me hope where death seemed to be the only way out. Keep coming back it works. I wish you all another 24 and God bless.


Member: Bob J
Location: San Jose, CA
Date: 10 Dec 1998
Time: 04:34:55

Comments

My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic, This is the beginng of day three of sobriety, one week after going through detox number two. Why two relapses? I focused on beatin myself up for relapsing rather than learning from them. I really had not even done a good job with Step one. I think I knew my life was unmanageable but would not admit I was powerless over alcohol. After getting a cast put on my wrist in the morning (which I broke in a fall caused by a fifth of vodka) it's back to AA, the Big Book, the 12x12 and doing Step one right this time. Actually I am working on it now by joining this discussion group and talking about it. Thanks for listening.


Member: Tom A.
Location: Carlisle, AR
Date: 10 Dec 1998
Time: 11:57:25

Comments

Hello to all my new found friends in this discussion meeting on Staying Cyber. My name is Tom A., an alcoholic, who sober today by the grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholic's Anonymous. Thank you for the topic Sheryl! It is for me the Step that opens the door to daily sobriety. Having been without a drink of alcohol for a long time, this Christmas will be my 38th sober one, I remember back to my first year in AA and Doctor Silkworth's opinion concerning the disease of alcoholism. In particular that "...any of the picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete." In other words I am physically allergic to alcohol in any form and I need to be daily aware of that truth. I am also thankful that I was introduced to "The Little Red Book" that suggests that Step 1 deals with the physical aspect of my disease, Step 2 deals with the mental aspect of my disease, and Step 3 deals with the spiritual aspect of my disease. I found that information to be very helpful as I have trudged along this road to Happy Destiny. Please have a sober holiday season.

God Bless - Tom A/ ate@gt3.net


Member: Larry T
Location: Ft. Worth, TX
Date: 10 Dec 1998
Time: 16:40:06

Comments

I'm Larry and I'm an alcoholic. This is my first time here, and I think this site is a great idea. I came to AA on June 12, 1987, but my sobriety date is July 10, 1991. That should give you some idea of how well I did Step One at first!

I thought I had all the answers, and that I was actually doing these old geezers a favor by sharing my wisdom with them. It finally dawned on me that the old geezers were staying sober, but I couldn't seem to. When I drug my worn out body back to a meeting on July 10, 1991, I was finally willing to take Step One honestly. I finally admitted to myself that I didn't have a clue how to stay sober or to run my own life. I finally started doing the things that the oldtimers had been suggesting all along, and, lo and behold, I stayed sober. It's been 7 1/2 years now, and I still go to 4 or 5 meetings a week, and need every one of them. I get to be reminded often that that my disease hasn't gone away just because I've been sober awhile.

Thanks for letting me share. I look forward to returning to this site often!


Member: Les S
Location: Bridgewater, Nova Scotia, Canada
Date: 10 Dec 1998
Time: 18:20:22

Comments

My name is Les and I'm an alcoholic living in the most beautiful part of Canada, the South Coast of Nova Scotia. Thanks for the on-line meeting and for the discussion on the First Step. I've spent the last half hour reading and relating. I'm so grateful that my drinking took me to a point where everything that was important to me had disappeared. If this had not happened, I would not have admitted and accepted the AA program as a way out of the pit of self-destruction I was in. My last drunk was televised, I was an evening news reader with Canada's national TV network. I had promised myself when I realised my dream of getting into the communications business that nothing would ever interfer with my ability to do my job. But alcoholism is as the Big Book says, cunning, baffling and powerful, and so I found myself in front of the camera, drunk, in a black out and unable to read. But my Higher Power used the event as the stage for my recovery. The set desinger at the station was a 15 year member of AA and had told me what was going to happen to me .. I was in a dry stage but he saw what I really was. After four and a half minutes of slurring I was cut off the air, and to the amazement of the floor director, I asked for him to call Cliff because I needed help. I can't remember making that request, I now know, the Higher Power saw fit to give me a gift, the most precious gift I have ever received. I was 12 stepped that night and the next night went to my first AA meeting. I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday, it was 30 years ago this past June. I remember the warmth, the understanding, the man who knelt in front of me and fed me that first half cup of coffee .. somehow I knew I was HOME. I was very aware before I came to AA that I was an alcoholic but that night, in that meeting, I admitted and accepted, without reservation. It's the only way I know I can recover. There is no room in the first step for anything except "surrender" and what has always amazed me is that when I surrendered, "I Won". I was given the chance to rebuild my life. I've had the most incredible journey, one day at a time, I never want it to end it is so exciting and meaningful. The reason is simple, I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanagable. I thank my Higher Power every day for this miracle working, powerful, life changing program. Thanks for allowing me to share, thanks for life.


Member: Danny  F.
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Date: 11 Dec 1998
Time: 03:35:04

Comments

Hi! My name is Danny, and I'm a Drunk, who don't drink, today! I thank God, and the love He instilled in a lot of lks, in a lot of AA meeting rooms, that I am clean & sober, today. Were it not for the fellowship, and the program of AA, I would not be alive, this day, to share with you.

It took Thirty years of drinking, for me to reach the point of realizing, that I am, truely, powerless over alcohol, and that my life is unmanagable. I started drinking , at the age of Twelve, and by age Fourteen, I had discovered other drugs, as well. i had left my parent's home, in Texas, and moved to New York City, bacause, the dope was better, the booze more available, to kids like me, and there was more of the kind of action I longed for, in the greatest city in the world. As with many great adventures, this one turned sour. I had a period of success, but, in the end, I was defeated. I had to leave N.Y.C. for "health" reasons. Pimps, Junkies, and Drunks, like myself will understand. I moved around the country, spent 99 days in the military service, Traveled all over the world, did a lot of different things, including Six years in the Louisiana Penitentiary, for killing a man, in a drunken rage. Even after all of that, I still, had no problem with drinking! It was one of the easiest things I did!

In 1987, my cousin's probation officer sent him to AA or NA meetings, and he ask me to go with him. I went, because, I cared about him, and anyone could see, that he was going to die, from the booze & drugs, that were doing him. I went to meetings with him, but, could not see, that I had a problem. I had been doing the same things, he was, but, for Ten years longer, yet, I had no problem, with it. I could handle it. I kept coming back, though, not for him, but for myself. I was hearing things, in those meetings, that had the ring of truth, things that related directly to me. I decided to try getting clean & sober, because, I saw it working for others, that I had gotten loaded with, and, their lives were a lot better than mine, as a result. Gradually, I began to see, that I did have a problem, and, I became willing to try this new way of life, but, I still had some reservations. I was determined, to do it my way! After all, it was my disease & my recovery. I wasn't like everyone else! Sound familiar? I tried working the steps, my own way, using myself, as a sponsor, and, stayed sober Four and a half months. Then, I fell on my face! Making Ninth Step ammends, I went to see a man, I had stolen $40.00 worth of dope from, to pay my debt. A few hours later, I no longer owed $40.00. I owed $200.00, and, I was loaded again, and off and running!

A year and a half later, I had lost everything, and was in the habit of going, nightly, to my graveyard plot, with a bottle of "Ta kill ya", and a .41 Magnum revolver, trying to drink up enough courage to pull the trigger on myself. God intervened! Somewhere, out in that graveyard, in Azle, Texas, I ask God, to help me end the pain, I was feeling. I wanted him to pull the trigger, for me, but, instead, He made me remember things, I had heard, in those AA & NA meetings. Things like, "You never have to drink or drug again, if you choose not to, One day at a time!", and, "Keep coming back, It works!" From that last night drunk, to this day, I have had the desier to drink & drug, a few times, but, never the need to! The last drunken trip to the graveyard was on the 21st. of April, 1989. A lot of miracles have happened, since that night, but after going to a meeting, the next day, and admitting, the powerlessness and unmanagability of my life, I began working the steps, for real, and my life has been so much better, as a result, that I can only thank God, for his loving intervention. From the moment I reached out to Him, in the graveyard, I became willing to let Him run my life. The main thing I have to say, is this: "No matter, how many things you've done, you haven't done a thing, till you've done the 12 steps!" It works! It works! It works!

Sorry, for being so longwinded. Thakns for the topic, and the place to share!

Danny F.


Member: Arne L.E.
Location: Oslo, Norway
Date: 11 Dec 1998
Time: 11:54:47

Comments

Hi my name is Arne and I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

One day in the past, I discovered a strange scary thing. I found myself trapped on the absolute bottom floor. No more steps further down, and it was warm as he.. down there. I saw creatures that I did'nt know exist...... That's where my 20 years of drinking career sudden stoped. I ADMITTED THAT I WAS A VERY SICK AND POWERLESS PERSON. With that admission, it came an indescribable serenety. I asked for help and it did me very good. This is 31 months ago, and my life has day by day turned to be manageable again. There are so much that I have to learn, so I can be able to participate in the human life again, but I am ready to learn. By admitting the first step, I can harvest the wonderfull fruit of the elleven other steps.

Thanks to all of you sisters and brothers for keeping me alive.

Arne...


Member: Karen  C
Location: CA
Date: 11 Dec 1998
Time: 12:19:34

Comments

Hi Compadres Yesterday I made the 30 day mark. Physically I'm feeling much better, but I'm still struggling mentally. Tonight I have a staff party, and I don't know how I'm gonna handle it. Rumor is evyeryone is ready to party. I know I am powerless over alcohol and I know I can't start, because I won't stop. I'm kinda of holding my breath - I can't hibernate from every social function where alcohol is. Any suggestions to help me over this. Thanks for letting me ramble.


Member: jim h
Location: lebanon pa
Date: 11 Dec 1998
Time: 15:00:22

Comments

Just signing back on after 9 months of no chatting. Sold my putter to buy a truck.Been staying sober though by going to meetings,talking to sponsor, and reading BIG book. It works if you work it.Just bought a web tv. Slow but affordable.


Member: Diana M.
Location: CA
Date: 11 Dec 1998
Time: 16:40:16

Comments

Hi everyone, I am an alcoholic and my name is Diana. This is the first time I have been to this meeting. I have laryngitis and am sick and didn't want to go out to a meeting tonight so one of my sponsees suggested an online meeting. So here I am. This time of year is very special to me because it is my AA birthday, December 1. Thanksgiving weekend was my last 4 days of drinking. I had an initial realization that I was powerless over alcohol that weekend, but it took many years for me to concede to my innermost self that I was like "men who had lost their legs, and would never grow new ones". I came to my first meeting when I was 21, trying to disqualify myself, too young, college degree...didn't drink that much. I never drank everyday. A year and a half later I hit my bottom and got sober, at 23. The bottome I hit was emotional. I had lost my will to live. I thought my life was over. I celebrated 19 years this December 1. Thank you for being here and setting up this web site.


Member: nanc
Location: washington
Date: 11 Dec 1998
Time: 23:16:00

Comments

I came into the program to get my family well and 22 years later I am still here. Divorce and 12 treatment centers for my children we are making it. I still take each day very seriously regarding my program. I don't dwell in the past but I never forget it. I never want to feel that sick, lonely, and "the black hole" in my heart again.


Member: Linda A.
Location: Oregon
Date: 12 Dec 1998
Time: 02:16:02

Comments

The final straw for me was the one more time I brought the wine and pot to the dinner party, where it really wasn't wanted or needed, but what the H*** it's here... I didn't feel well that night and got drunk all the same, one more night of embarrassing myself and feeling seperate from people.. I got home passed out and woke to vomitting in the toilet.. glad I'd made it that far. I remember thinking that I really didn't want to do this again.... again... and yet knowing that I'd felt like this so much before, nothing would really stop me now. Then the moment of clarity hit. I really didn't have to do this again... I didn't know what to do instead, but I felt a presence with me when I prayed there on my knees next to the toilet, God I really don't want to do this anymore... Help me stop this craziness. It was another 10 months before I called AA, I was just a maniac in the mean time. A good hippie mamma, I knew the herbs on the shelf to use to come off the booze and make the detox easier, not really getting sober at all, exchanging one for the other. I met a guy who was working the hotline and called him weeks later, when one more time I was scared I'd go to the corner bar and drink like I'd done so many times before. I called and said I think I'm alcoholic and I think I want to go to an AA meeting. He said he didn't think I was alcoholic, he wouldn't take me to an AA meeting, I couldn't go.... Well I thought I'm really screwed now, I can't even get to AA. I had no idea about traditions, or what else I could do... as far a I knew, this guy WAS the hotline. I had to get through him to go... SO I didn't go to my first meeting till the following summer.. crazy as a loon, really ready for any lock-up. Coming unraveled more and more every day. The next summer (85)I went to Colorado, to spend the summer with my brother, I wanted to work on a dairy farm milking cows... bovine will really mess with you if you are drinking, I thought that would be a good way to stop for a while, toss some hay, get healthy, buff up (no ego here, hehehe). Instead I got sick running a fever of 102 I was out putting in applications for any work I could find.. my oldest brother called his ex-wife and said I needed a 12-step call. I didn't know what that was, she came over and we talked for hours. She didn't tell me about her or about me, she asked "do you remember when...." but in telling all these stories that we both knew so well, she wouldn't let me stop at the good times, when the fun was still going, she followed it up all the way to the next morning. Waking up trying to figure out if I should hug or hit whoever I came to next to. Trying to figure out if he'd hit me or not. It took time getting back into that body, I couldn't always tell right off. Coming to and trying to get cleaned up enough to go to high school, trying to get "that smell" off me. Hours we talked and then she asked if I wanted to go to a meeting. I said Oh I cant' I tried and they said I couldn't go... She got over her shock and said it's okay in Colorado we are much more open minded than that... we just won't tell them at your home. (I can laugh now, but it's very serious really). I went to my first meeting and a few weeks later back home, I found the courage to call and ask where a meeting was. That was over 13 years ago, today I've got more reason to be grateful than ever before. My life isn't what I wanted, nor what I expected, but it's filled with the knowledge that I am a child of a Loving God. As a daughter of this spirit, I have tremendous privledges and responsibilites. If I can think of myself and every person I meet in that same way I've got a pretty good starting point for healthy relations. Thanks to AA I found God, thanks to God I stayed alive long enough to find AA. Blessings and Hugs,


Member: Bob G.
Location: Eugene Oregon.
Date: 12 Dec 1998
Time: 09:54:11

Comments

Hi, My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic, Two weeks ago I found out just how powerless I really am. My wife lost a four month battle with cancer and died. With AA's help I stayed sober and sane. Tough thing to go through. sure glad you all are there. Thank's Bob.


Member: T.C
Location: Connecticut
Date: 12 Dec 1998
Time: 21:22:51

Comments

Hi My name is Tim and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. The first step. I took the first step and was finally able to admit I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanagable. The first time was 15 years ago. Though I was not truely convinced that I am alcoholic. After 3 treatment centers, and and years of insanity and severe depression I surerendered on July 4, 1990. It was a real "independence" for me from the evil of alcohol. I finally admitted I had a problem and I was going to die, or be a complete waste for the rest of my life. 8 years later I still have to remember that I am as powerless now as I was then. I still have real bad days and sometimes try to tell myself that i can have just one, yet in reality that one is my death sentence. We must want to stop drinking for ourselves more then anything on this planet. And be willing to change our lives. If not then the alternative will surley be destructive in every way.


Member: Pat P
Location: Upstate NY
Date: 12 Dec 1998
Time: 22:03:58

Comments

Hi everyone, My name is Pat & I am an alcoholic.I admitted I am powerless over alcohol 9 years ago on December 16th. I am so happy to be celebrating in the month of December when so many crazies are doing their thing ( just as I did for many years, with one party after the other from Thanksgiving on) My Higher Power directed me to the rooms of AA right from home on a Saturday night after having a party at my home the night before. I don't remember much about th party but was told that I & everyone else had a good time. I had to travel on business a few weeks ago & when I woke up in my room in the hotel in the morning to go to a conference I was reminded of the promises Not closing the door on the past. When I woke up I remembered clearly the night before & how I got where I was & who I was with. This is my first time at an online meeting & hae enjoyed the sharing of others. Thank you for being here.


Member: Sam    J.
Location: Southeast
Date: 12 Dec 1998
Time: 22:58:24

Comments

Taking and accepting the first step was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I had never accepted anything that I didn't like. I went to my first AA meeting in the spring of 1965. I found that it wwas easy to state my name and say that I am an alcoholic, but accepting it was something else. I had gotten to the stage where I didn't think that God really existed, so I didn't have Him to turn to. I would not listen to the old timers, because I was envious of them (they could stay sober, and I couldn't). Because of this, I was unable to use the group as my higher power. (Temporarily). I continued in and out of AA for the next 11 years. (Mostly out). During this time, everything that can happen to a human being happened to me. I walked out on my wife and 4 children and then drank my way through two more families. My last drunk lasted three years. In October of 1975, for some reason, I remembered AA. I started attending meetings again. I would go to meetings with good intentions and then stop on the way home and have a few drinks. I thought,"Oh hell, it's going to be the same old thing all over again". On Nov 13, 1975, I was hurting so bad that I was willing to open my mind just a tiny bit. I had seen members who said that they believed in God, and that they were sober and reasonably happy. I had no other way to turn, so I became willing to say a prayer to a God that I didn't really believe in. I only asked, "If there is such a thing as a God, Will you help me?". For all those years, I had lived with that terrible compulsion to drink, and suddenly it was gone. It has never returned to this day. It has been a slow process for me, but I have gone from a non believer to a totally God-dependent person. I have always felt that if I get away from AA, I will lose this contact with my higher power, and the compulsion will return. Therefore, I stay with AA. If the compulsion returned, I suppose I would get drunk, I always did before. I love this sober life.


Member: Sam    J.
Location: Southeast
Date: 12 Dec 1998
Time: 22:59:43

Comments

Taking and accepting the first step was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I had never accepted anything that I didn't like. I went to my first AA meeting in the spring of 1965. I found that it wwas easy to state my name and say that I am an alcoholic, but accepting it was something else. I had gotten to the stage where I didn't think that God really existed, so I didn't have Him to turn to. I would not listen to the old timers, because I was envious of them (they could stay sober, and I couldn't). Because of this, I was unable to use the group as my higher power. (Temporarily). I continued in and out of AA for the next 11 years. (Mostly out). During this time, everything that can happen to a human being happened to me. I walked out on my wife and 4 children and then drank my way through two more families. My last drunk lasted three years. In October of 1975, for some reason, I remembered AA. I started attending meetings again. I would go to meetings with good intentions and then stop on the way home and have a few drinks. I thought,"Oh hell, it's going to be the same old thing all over again". On Nov 13, 1975, I was hurting so bad that I was willing to open my mind just a tiny bit. I had seen members who said that they believed in God, and that they were sober and reasonably happy. I had no other way to turn, so I became willing to say a prayer to a God that I didn't really believe in. I only asked, "If there is such a thing as a God, Will you help me?". For all those years, I had lived with that terrible compulsion to drink, and suddenly it was gone. It has never returned to this day. It has been a slow process for me, but I have gone from a non believer to a totally God-dependent person. I have always felt that if I get away from AA, I will lose this contact with my higher power, and the compulsion will return. Therefore, I stay with AA. If the compulsion returned, I suppose I would get drunk, I always did before. I love this sober life.


Member: Colleen M.
Location: Edmonton,Canada
Date: 12 Dec 1998
Time: 23:55:04

Comments

Hi, my name is Colleen and I'm an alcoholic. For myself every emotion that I spent an entire lifetime numbing was coming to a head right around this time of season. Unfortunately my old standbys were not working to numb them out. Thank god that I was familiar with people in the program to lend me a hand when I needed it most.


Member: Pam D.
Location: California
Date: 13 Dec 1998
Time: 01:59:29

Comments

Hi all, I'm Pam and an alcoholic. Been a long time since I've actually said that. Just found this meeting and I'm very glad I did. Step one is a good topic. First though, Dana, please find a face to face meeting and reserve the right to keep looking -- I found that it took me quite a while to feel a "part of" in meetings because I was educated, "together" and young (only 21)--after a while, I realized that my feeling different was just another part of the unmanageability of the disease of alcoholism. Tonight is the 14th anniversary of the last time I got loaded. I finished drinking 3 nights before, but "had to" have a little cocaine to help me get through the night before I was to go into treatment -- to save my husband's career in the military, we were both going to go to treatment -- but, I was the only one who got asked to stay at the hospital, he got to go to work and then come to the hospital for outpatient treatment...so, who's life was unmanageable? It's interesting how much of my life improved after admitting my powerlessness over alcohol and the unmanageability of my entire life. BUT, it is also interesting how much more I've learned about unmanageability and powerlessness in the 14 years since. All of the THINGS that I thought were valuable then, ALL of them have been removed from my life. And, strangely enough, greater gifts have been given to me -- I don't take myself so seriously anymore, I value friendship and family much more, I have a spiritual life that seems to work for me. All, because my individual powerlessness led me to learn of higher power--whether it's the power of a person saying exactly what I needed to hear just when I needed to hear it, to the power of a meeting-where I have learned how people can treat each other with respect and dignity, to the power of love to heal after a death of someone close...all this has been given to me, as a result of learning(deep down inside me)that powerlessness was just the first step--to be followed by other steps that have led me along and given me tools to use for my everyday life. Blessed Yule to all. and thank you for my sobriety.


Member: bob c
Location: north Alabama
Date: 13 Dec 1998
Time: 04:34:40

Comments

Good morning, everybody. My name is Bob and I'm and alcoholic --- among othe things. The first part of Step 1 was easy; I could admit I was an alcoholic. No problem there. Its the last part, admitting my life was unmanagable that was the hard part. THAT took 13 years. Talk about self-will run riot! When I came to that conclusion and admitted it my sobriety got a lot easier. One day at a time.

Peace.