Member: (((ROOM-HUG)))
Location:
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 05:46:53
How about SELF WILL RUN RIOT - be back later today to post -
Member: Randy S.
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 07:16:04
Hi everyone I'm Randy and I am an alcoholic! My will ran my life for 25yrs.and danm near killed me. Today my will still wants to run my life,but today when I woke up, I turned my will and my life over to the care of GOD as I understand Him and deep down inside I know thatI will be better off letting Someone who knows me and is a Power Greater than I have total control of my life. Having been doing that for a while now,my life is better than anything I could have planned and if I keep doing it, on Sept.8th I will have made 9yrs. clean and sober. That is GOD's will for me today and I'm truely grateful! Soberity and Peace Always! Randy S.
Member: Jim L.
Location: Nairobi
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 07:48:25
Hello, I'm Jim and I'm an alcoholic. I was in the Nairobi Embassy when it was bombed on August 7, and was trapped under a collapsed interior wall. Fortunately, I was able to work free and escape with only a badly bruised lower leg and sore ribs. I'm still shocked, angry, resentful, and afraid as a result. Each morning since, I sit up in bed, turn, place my feet on the floor and think "Thank God I am alive." I thought for sure that this brush with death would convert me to a truly humble, grateful person, but I'm not sure it has. I still have my alcoholic character defects of arrogance and selfishness. But thanks to AA and God I'm alive and free of the cumpulsion to drink, today. Though my character defects remain and self will continues to run riot in me, I've so far today not taken a drink and have not done so each day for the past nine years plus. I am forever grateful to AA for my new way of life and its help in putting me in contact with a God of my understanding. And for being there for me during this crisis. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Ted B.
Location: Montreal
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 09:45:57
Hi, I'm Ted and I'm an alcoholic. ROOM-HUG(?), thanks for the topic. RANDY hit the nail on the head - when I turn my will over to God on a daily basis, I get a taste of serenity. Trouble is, I'm not diligent enough to do it every day, and my self-will can easily slip from first or second gear back into overdrive. Anyway, it's comforting to know the AA tools are there, and that if I'm willing to embrace them, I'll get better. JIM, I got chills reading your post. Through tragedy, you've been given a perspective that few of us can even begin to fathom. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Member: Norm P.
Location: Indiana
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 10:41:25
Self will rears its ugly head in my life on an almost daily basis. The great blessing of this program is that today I am able to recognize my character defects and not engage in morbid reflection(self-pity) over them. It is a gift to see myself as I am but what am I going to do about it? I will be restless,irritable and discontented until the right action is taken. That action usually comes from my Higher Power. It doesn't often come from me; my own ideas aren't the best. In fact,the first thing that pops into my head may have disastrous consequences for myself and other people. So I have learned to trust this Higher Power even though I may not understand His direction. I find that when I follow that direction,the action is the right one and everyone involved gets the best possible result(maybe not a perfect one in my mind).
Member: Stan C.
Location: Belle Fourche, SD
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 11:17:59
Hi everyone, I'm an alcoholic, and my problem is Stan. It is a blessing to be sober this morning, one which I have very little control over. I do simple, suggested things that I have to remember work for millions of others. Why don't I have trouble remembering my SSN#, but forget to "turn it over?"
My liffe in sobriety can be beautiful, but self-will can turn a glorius day into one of frustration and fear. My HP surely knows what will be, and all I have to do is hang on for the ride of my life, giving the reins to someone/thing greater than myself. I have trouble doing that at times, until my life (under my control,) once again becomes both unmanageable and unbearable. I can only then "give it up," and surrender my will again.
Bless all of you in these rooms.
Jim l., I am so sorry you had to experience the terror, but am grateful that someone with a program and nine years of experience is on-site to help others. I dread trying to go thru life with only self-will to guide me. My prayers are with you, and everyone. Walk in beauty...
Member: Amy J
Location: Phoenix
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 12:24:18
Self-will run riot, Wow, what a wonderful topic. I believe it is in the Joe and Charlie tapes that they say when you let self run you you are letting an idiot be in charge.
I have good experience with this. I recently had 4 months sober and then I forgot to let God be in charge, I started thinking and I got drunk. When we think for ourselves and let self run us we only get into trouble. I had called my sponsor before I drank and she told me that God has a plan but I continued to think and told myself that God's plan must be for me to get drunk today. See where self leads us?
I now have 4 days and hope that I can always remember that I am not in charge, I only get myself into trouble. I am so thankful for this meeting, it is my meeting that is available all the time and not just when I think I need one.
Thank you letting me be here.
Member: Barbara G.
Location: Northern California
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 12:52:32
Goodmorning everyone. My name is Barbara and I am an ALCOHOLIC. POWERLESS OVER PEOPLE, PLACES, THiNGS, DRUGS, AND KING ALCOHOL. Self will run riot is a perfact topic for an acoholic of my type. Finishesd first and second step with my sponcer yesterday ( are we ever truly finished?) (odaat) I n my insanity of drinking after 5+ years of sobriety I am thinking that self will played a very BIG part. I thaught I knew it all, Did not need meetings, did not need you all to help keep me honest with myself, Became my own H.P. And unquestionaly did not need the steps. My sponcer suggests that I may have a problem being the baby. Humbled by alcohol it is not such a bad place to be. I turned my life over to the care of God this morning. So its up to the big Guy today. I caint, He ca. I will let him. Jim, Thank you for sharing your E.S. &H. with all of us. So glad you survived to carry the message. I need to hear what you shared; Amy, so glad to see you post. 4 DAYS!!!!!!1 You have been in my prayers. Thinking about you and checking the c.p. often hoping I would see you there, Have a great one You all. Barbs
Member: deva p
Location:
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 13:35:42
hi my name is deva and i'm an alcoholic i try with whatever is going on in my life to remember where i came from and be grateful i'm not drinking i need to make that connection with my higher power everyday and give up the control definetly a head-on collision with the dark side when i take the captain's seat! especially in the area of financial security i lose my faith and start a panic, grasping, non-serene series of activities and mind thoughts put me off balance, until i give it over once again i try not to compare but other people's e,s,h help pull me up by the short hairs and remind me (like god giving me a kick in the booty) that the bottomline is "a day at a time, i don't pick up, and the promises will be exravagant! thanks for being here, i'm out of town from florida, at my brother's in washington state, and being as he's a computer whizz he's showing me some of ropes of the web have a great day, unless you choose otherwise
Member: Donna F.
Location: Carlsbad, New Mexico
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 13:54:33
Donna F. an alcoholic here. Yes I remember the old me, self will run riot. I always expressed it with more of the thought of "I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I WANT IT NOW." I was crasy when I could not have things my way. I thought if I just called in another favor, made another phone call, exerted a little more pressure or dumped another guilt trip on someone, my way would come about.It was a misrable, frustrating way of life. AA has given me a freedom from "Self will run riot, today and every day I choose to ask for that freedom. Just knowing I have a choice today is such a special gift of recovery. Jim your story touched me today, thanks for sharing, I too have 9 years invested in my recovery and still know I am not promised tomarrow. It is still a daily reprieve, I must humble myself and ask for from my Higher Power, whom I choose to call Jesus Christ.Good topic, thanks to all for allowing me to share and for being there for me. DONNA
Member: Bob H.
Location: NC.
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 18:42:23
THIS IS MY FIRST MEETING!! And my first day sober.How do you make one day become one year?
Member: Jeff
Location: The First state
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 19:20:19
Bob, dont worry about being sober for 1 year. Just today!!! Take it a day at a time. I dont think about never drinking again,, Only about not drinking today,, thats what its all about,, Good luck!!
Member: Bob H.
Location: NC.
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 20:11:12
Thank You,Jeff! I'll do that...
Member: copper
Location: az
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 22:11:10
Thanks everyone-great topic. Needed to be here today, it's been over one year since I've been to a meeting. Jim, Thank God you are still w/us. Amy & Bob - congrats!! It's just One Day At A Time & if that doesn't work take it down to 5 minutes at a time. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Mark W.
Location: Bloomington IN
Date: 23 Aug 1998
Time: 23:05:13
For Newcomer Bob H: The first thing you do is quit thinking in terms of years, and start thinking in terms of hours and days. If you can do that, the hours will turn into days, and the days will turn into years. I remember thinking how I felt about the phrase "One Day At A Time" when I was new a few 24 hours back: How Trite! But the truth of the matter is that there is a great deal of wisdom in this simple little slogan. Chill out, take it easy, and let the Program work for you. Also, I hope when you said that this was your first meeting that you meant that this was your fisrt ON-LINE meeting. Nothing can take the place of real-live alcoholics working with each other face-to-face.While we are to be anonymous as a group in our dealings with the world at large, AA never intended its members to be anonymous to each other. Keep us posted -- we really do care.
Member: Bill S.
Location: San Jose, CA
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 00:12:15
Hi all,Bill alcoholic first and foremost. If it were not for all the bad answers and stinkin' thinkin' my own self will have wrought me, I would not be working off my third relapse period. I would have been able to add to the six years of sobriety I had in 1982. I have not completely given myself over to the "no matter what" portion of not drinking...a small crack becomes dam breaking. Nearly completing my seventh day sober and clean after my wife confronted me and I was actually truthful (maybe waiting for it. The truth of sobriety is an amazing thing...I have got to do AA correct, not my way.Never drinking or using no matter what hell has broken loose; never giving up meetings, or working a program. I have never yet had a real sponser I pray for the right intervention of God to place this person in my life soon! Thanks for letting me add to the discussion. Best for next week. God Bless.
Member: sarah b
Location: dallas
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 01:07:42
Hello everybody. I'm Sarah and I'm an alcoholic. This is my first meeting on the web and if I can ever figure out how to get back here again it'll be a miracle. Speaking of miracles, I've never been to a meeting that I didn't hear about one or two of those. And newcomers are ALWAYS miracles about to happen. Welcome to the rest of your lives....and if you go to meetings, do what is suggested and don't drink inbetween...viola, you will find yourself at the end of the day, just one day...without a drink. Trust what you hear and forget most of what you think is what I was told...and I am the greatest miracle of all. Night to all...thanks for letting me share.
Member: tony g
Location: ma
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 01:36:46
its my life ill do what i want,what are you my mother?thats what i used to say,my wy was 4 driveing under arrests,spending vacations from work in alcohol programs,tons of money in fines and lawyers,cuts ,lumps,bumps sleeping the day away but drinking all night,missing family things ect ect...ENOUGHT ive been happily sober for 6 months whew! i love it and i practice aa every day .its a simple program yet it requires effort too.because i cnt run my life alone i need my higher power everyday and i need aa meetings 3-4 times a week and this cyber group also . its really working one day at a time,hang in thier thanks to all tony and alcoholic without question.
Member: Dave L.
Location: Struthers, Ohio
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 02:02:40
My self-will makes excuses for not attending meetings. Like who cares? I'm too busy working 12-14 hours a day. When I do go, once a month, I don't talk cause I want to be anyones friend. Friends take time, and time is money, relaxation in front of the boobtube takes lots of time too, right? That's my selfwill! What's your's? Save me from excuses God!
Member: Greg T
Location: Orange, New South Wales, Australia
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 09:54:22
Bob
Hearing that you had recently completed 1 day, I trust 2 days now, without a drink took me back some 6 years when I first walked into an AA meeting hot knowing whether I was mad or an alcoholic. I to had been sober for just a day or two and wondered how I would even last a week let alone a year. I to was told to take it a day at a time and was handed a card entitled "Yesterday,Today and Tomorrow" which guided me through the dark times, made the early months of sobriety manageable and enabled me to control, to some extent my rampant self will. The card has a short writing that goes as follows:
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry; two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond your control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. YESTERDAY is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.
TOMORROWS sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day - TODAY. Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you add the burdens of those two awful eternities - YESTERDAY and TOMORROW - that we break down.
It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad - it is remorse or bitterness for something that happened YESTERDAY and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.
LET US THEREFORE, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
These words have special meaning to me, I hope they are of some use to you.
Member: Suzi B
Location: Florida
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 10:34:59
Good morning! My name is Suzi B, alcoholic. Self will run riot....isn't that what gets us her in the first place? I know that's what got me there. I haven't been to AA meetings in quite some time, but its nice to be able to come here and share my experience, strength and hope. I try to turn my life over to my Higher Power (which I choose to call God) every morning, because I know that he has always been the one watching over me...otherwise I don't think that I would be here to share with you all today. It's not always that easy, though, as I find myself having to take a moment to let go...I take back my will at a moment's notice. But the AA tools, when I use them, help me to lead a more sane and healthy life then what I knew before. THANKS AA!
Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 11:18:28
If self will worked, I'd still be using it, but it doesn't work. I cannot control the outcome of even the simplest events. I can only go with the flow and try to enjoy the ride.
When I attempt to use my self will to control other people and things, I always get extremely agitated and stressed out, but am rarely successful. My self will is equally unsuccessful when applied to my own defects. I need to get out of the way and let things happen, including my own restoration to sanity.
This is how I work my 3rd Step. I try as best I can to accept that everything is exactly as it ought to be (how could it be anything else but?). Then I just try to do the next right thing, as my conscience dictates, whether I really want to do it or not. I try to have faith that everything will work out for the best (as of course it must). Meditation is an important part of my program; getting me out of myself, balanced, and aligned with my HP (which I do not call god).
When I fail to do this, I'm miserable. When I succeed, I achieve serenity. Sometimes things work out happily for me, sometimes not. I can't always be happy - sadness is a part of life - but I can always have serenity and peace of mind.
Member: Yvonne F.
Location: Chicago
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 11:20:49
Right on Suzie B. from Florida! My name is Yvonne and I am a recovering alcholic. For the past few days I've been dealing with an inevitable death of an 18 yr. old pet. I've had to remind myself that my higher power controls this and not I. How badly though I've wanted to take over the situation and turn it around so everything can be "ok" again. Just another reminder in the big slice of life, that there is so little we have control over.I am atleast happy to say 12 years ago I would have been drinking over this, so as not to feel the pain.But not today. The truth is, some pain must be felt in order to accept and experience what life is all about,as hard and as sad as it is. I hate dealing with death. Thanks for being here. Stay sober!
Member: Doug F.
Location: Cullman Al.
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 12:11:31
Hi I'm Doug an alcoholic I'm so glad to be here. To you new comers find a home groop, get a sponser and your days will turn into years. But remimber you only have today tomorrow is not here.
A little something to think about: If you have one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow you are peeing on today.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member: David D
Location: San Mateo CA
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 12:34:00
What can I add? Probably very little. After a few 24 hours, my self-will still runs riot at times. However, the consequences of my actions are less severe than they once were. There are no quick fixes for me. Patient improvement with the help of the steps and a loving God suffice today. When iI follow my conscience and do what I know to be right instead of whats wrong,I'm in less danger of SELF-WILL.
Member: Jodene Alcoholic
Location: OKC
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 15:34:04
This is an excellent topic. Self-will always becomes anger for me. Anger because "they" won't do what I wanted them to do. Anger, because I thought my actions should never have negitive consequences. Man, what a fairy-tale I was living in! My anger always resulted in drinking ("I know how to get rid of this FEELING"). The change came when I realized, in my gut, that God cares about me and wants good for me. To borrow a line from another program "our deepest longings and desires are but shadows of what God wants for us." When I believe this, it's possible for me to release my death-grip on having things MY way. Thanks for being here, and thanks for letting me share....Jim L and Yvonne F: Come join us at the Coffee Pot!
Member: Shannon G
Location: St.Albert Ab. Canada
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 18:22:49
Bob WELCOME just keep comming back and look after the days and before you know it the days turn into weeks and months and years . Make sure you get to a f2f meeting as soon as you can , this is a great place to talk about getting sober but not a lot of pepole got sober talking about it, there is a lot of action on your part that needs to be done.One of the first things we learn is that God can do for us what we can,t do for ourselves and if we don,t get out to meetings and let God work the mirical of the program through the pepole in the fellowship we are only making it tougher on ourselves, we need to hear about the experience strenght and hope of other pepole if for nothing else when were new it proves to us that the program works for all these pepole WHY COULDN,T IT WORK FOR ME, this is were we see our first sighn of hope for our future, get a Big Book and read it ,if you have to jump around in the book in the begining then do that ,for if your are an alcoholic there is no way that you can say that there was nothing that caught your intrest and for most of us this is the first time in a long time that we have surrendered to anything let alone the bottle, so get to a meeting or to reach out your hand and ask for help and there are many pepole who have been where you are trying to go and are only to glad to share with you what they had to do to get sober, remember nobody says that this is going to be easy but everybody will tell you it is worth it. you will be in my prayers Bob remember ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Member: Carola M.
Location: Colorado Springs
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 20:44:09
Hi, my name is Carola and I'm an alcoholic. Self-will run riot. What a great topic. I too had a serious bout with self will just a few weeks ago and it got me in a lot of trouble. No, I didn't drink, but I was thinking about it. It wasn't until I turned the situation over to my HP, things improved and I was rewarded with serenity once again. What a great program. To all you newcomers. Keep coming back. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, one day at a time. Life is worth it and so are you. Thank you for letting me share.
Member: Karen M.
Location: NJ
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 21:10:47
For me, self will kicks up when I get scared and stop trusting God. I lose a sense of being "right size" and think I have to take over because God's not paying attention.
When I first came into AA, I did not want to hear about God or a Higher Power. I had given up on God and was sure God had given up on me. All I knew was self-will. I was all I could depend on for a long time, or so I thought. But my best thinking left me drunk and empty. AA and the 12 steps help me live life on life's terms. AA has given me the God of my understanding, God has given me AA and other sober people to help me deal with life without a drink, one day at a time. It's a simple program for complicated people. Keep coming back.
Member: Denise
Location: MI
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 21:53:52
Hi, I am Denise alcoholic
Karen, I have never thought of it the way you put it but self-will is all I could ( and still) trust for a lot of years.
I am a retread and am struggling with turning over my will...to what? I am also at the place where it is 'don't even talk to me about an HP or God'. But, I also sense that this is not the best way to think or I would not be back here trying to live this program.
Thanks to everyone for the honest sharing.
Member: Christine M.
Location: Bayville, NJ
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 23:25:05
Hi, my name is Christine and I am an alcoholic.
Denise, I too, have been in the same place as you are now and still have VERY STRONG opinions on the topic of HP and God.
I will say this, however, self-will run riot, MY WILL, has never really put me in a good place. MY WILL is always FORCED, never natural. I will ALWAYS try to fit that square peg in that round hole if it offers me something that I want. Never mind that it may not be good for me. GOD or HP's will is always natural, always softer, usually more subtle and always better for me. He shows me the signs and guides the way down a gentle, lighted path. I on the other hand, usually want what is (to borrow from Bob E.)"beyond the burning coals, broken glass and poison bamboo" and just want GOD to protect me while I go over there to get what I want.
I have found that after almost nine years in sobriety/recovery I know almost nothing about what is best for me and my will will usually end up with someone hurt, either physically or emotionally, me hurt, endangered or in jail and just generally trouble all around.
I have learned to listen to the signs. I am not perfect and do not always follow them but at least today I recognize that they are there.
Love and Peace and Thanks for letting me share!
Christine M.
Member: Carola M.
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Date: 24 Aug 1998
Time: 23:34:33
To everyone who is having trouble with the concept of a higher power. This is what helped me understand it in the beginning. Someone in a meeting said. "If everyone ganged up on me in this meeting, they surely would have more power than I do by myself. So, the group was that higher power for me at first until I found a God of my understanding. It works.
Member: sarah h.
Location: texas
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 00:27:19
Hi everybody Sarah/alcoholic/self- willed and riotous.
It was hard for me to accept that I was not capable of running anything, much less my own life! Even while standing there looking at the crumbling shambles, I still thought that my "being in charge of me" was the thing for me to do. I hated all of the God-talk, was sure you guys were a bunch of religious nuts. But, for sure, you were sober and seemed happy and I wanted what you had. So - I just ignored the God-talk. Rose above it. Never mentioned it myself and pretty well blocked it out when you mentioned it.
I'm not an agnostic. Believe there is a God. I just wasn't willing to think that I needed Him at that point. What I needed was sobriety. I don't even think I connected too well to the "power greater than myself" back then. I just went to a meeting everyday, everyday, everyday. I looked at the steps on the wall everyday, everyday, everyday. And I listened to what every one had to say everyday, etc.
One day it occured to me that I had a fair amount of sobriety and as I looked around me I liked who I saw and what I seemed to be doing with my life. I tell newcomers that have absolutely no idea how I stayed sober back then other than the fact that I went to meetings. Like 'em or not, I went. I tell them to save their judgement for later. Just go. I'm glad I went to so many meetings. It's a behavior that surprised me but it has worked on a daily basis so far. Thanks for the memories.
Member: Andrew
Location: South Africa
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 07:00:29
Warm greetings to you, friends ! My name is Andrew and I am an alcoholic. The topic, no doubt, is a very important one for the alcoholic or user. Self-will, ultimately leads to death. There are no two ways about this. For the alcoholic - to drink is to die ! I say this because I would have been dead a long time ago. By discovering that I was very much powerless over alcohol and that my life had in fact become unmanageable, I averted my untimely death simply by taking drastic action (see Step 3). Nothing, in fact, stops me from going back to my old ways. What will the end result be ? I just need to stay sober for this day. As already mentioned by previous speakers - I don't have to think about the past, nor worry about the future. I am sober just for today !
Welcome to Bob, Deva, Copper and Sarah. Best wishes to everyone !
Regards
Andrew
Member: Lydia B
Location:
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 11:33:49
I have only 24 hours under my belt, and know that my self will will bring down faster than I ever would have believed. Emotions of guilt shame and weakness make it hard to believe that God would spend any time one someone who keeps slipping up. I have had periods of sobriety and minimal drinking, but the moment I start with that "1" glass it it always just a matter of time before the heavy drinking resumes. I prayed last night for guidance and forgivness. My mind tells me to turn my life over to God, but I am so afraid of failing again. This was hard for me to share. Thank you
Member: LeRoy B.
Location: Illinois
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 12:35:29
Help me live in today. I am using the short version of "turn it over" today.
Member: LeRoy B.
Location: Illinois
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 12:35:46
Help me live in today. I am using the short version of "turn it over" today.
Member: LeRoy B.
Location: Illinois
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 12:36:01
Help me live in today. I am using the short version of "turn it over" today.
Member: Patricia K
Location: Woodstock
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 13:21:20
Hello Everyone. Haven't been here for a while, had a death of a very dear friend recently. Thank God my self will is somewhat in check. I am the supreme example of self will run riot and sometimes my will still tries to take over. There are times I actually have to turn my car around to deny my will because it never got me any of the good things in life. When I was a child my faith, I believed could move mountains, as I grew little by little I lost it. Now with almost 2 years sober in the program of AA my faith is returning, I know that God's will is the way to go. Askin Him for guidance not only each day but sometimes each minute is making my life get better and my faith grow. Losing my friend was the first big trial of my sobriety. I'm very proud, and I thank God for keeping me away from that first drink after his death. It helped that, while not an alcoholic himself, he was one of my biggest supporters in sobriety. He picked me up off the floor many times. He would always say "you know how you get". I know that in spirit he still supports me and if I think about a drink those words will whisper in my ear because indeed I do know how I get, and with the grace of God and the help of all of you I'll never get there again.
Thank you all for being out there. It's very therapeutic for me to pound on my keyboard. The friend I lost was one of those people that only come along once in a lifetime. He was in my life for over 30 years. Life is ever so much different without him. Sometimes I'm angry at the unfairness of his death. He was only 44, but he fought a long hard battle against a killer disease and it finally won. I was his health care proxy and was bound to not allow any extreme measures to be taken. I'm an RN but even though my knowledge told me he was dying my love for him wanted to hope, but there was no hope. I take peace in knowing that I carried out his wishes as I promised I would and in the fact that I know he was at peace with himself and his world. I miss him every waking hour, he was my best friend, someone I could share anything with and no matter what it was it was always okay. Like the saying goes, a friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you. That was Micheal. I'm not sure how my life is going to be without him, but I know he's got better connections now than he ever had when he was here, abnd I know he'll put in a good word for me. I'm also sure he's looking out for me, just as he did in life, and that when I get there I'll see him again. Sorry to go on and on like this but I have no best friend left to talk to. He is the person I would always run all these kinds of feelings by. Thank you all for putting up with me. Be back soon.
Member: Yvonne
Location: Chicago
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 13:36:56
Oh, Patricia K. from Woodstock. . . . . . Bless you. Tears stream down my cheeks as I write this, here I am bumming out completely about an 18 year old cat I have at home dying, and your best friend has just passed away. I am so sorry, and I know there is no comparison, but I too share the depression and loss that comes with death. Time will heal, so I'm told, so I know. Once again, sure wish it would come quick, in my time not my higher powers. Thanks for sharing and reaching out at a time like this, not only is it healthy for you, but it sure makes all of us stop and appreciate what we have today. Thanks. Yvonne
Member: Mark P
Location: Fergus Falls MN.
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 14:19:47
Hi I'm Mark and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic.Self will run riot was the story of my life and I believe that it ran my life through a majority of my sobriety.I always had step one down but due to myself will I refused to use the others most of the time.The result was that my life was miserable even though I was sober.Three years ago I turned my life over to the will of God,started working the steps under his guidance,attended regular meetings,and due to this the promises of the program have come into my life!I'm grateful for the 17+ years that I've been given,but do regret that I was so stubborn that I gave away the opportunity to experience life as it is now.My problems in day to day living have'nt dissapeared but acceptance of them has finally given me serenity.God bless all and keep coming back!!!
Member: Patricia K
Location: Woodstock
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 14:26:22
Dear Yvonne from Chicago, thank you for your kind reply. I'm sorry to hear about your cat. I know that pets can be loved just as much as best friends. Hang in there though, we've got each other, all of us in AA.
You're right about time, and my wish is the same as yours. If I could have my way, I'd be going on my merry way without a care in the world. The great thing about sobriety is that it teaches us to feel, something I was never willing to do before. It's a new experience to really feel my feelings, even if right now the feelings are sad ones. But they do say time heals all wounds, so I'm waiting and meanwhile I can only thank God for putting Micheal in my life for as long as he did, many people aren't fortunate enough to have such a special relationship. Here I go again, I'll stop now. Thanks Again. PK
Member: Ken A
Location: Milwaukee
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 14:58:24
Hello, Ken A - alcoholic, posting here for the first time even though I've been in touch at the Coffee Pot for a week now. I've hesitated posting here before because I haven't been to a F2F meeting yet, not that that matters for posting purposes, but I'm great at dredging up excuses. But I recognize some of you from the Coffee Pot, so I kind of feel at home here too. I decided to stick my 2 cents worth in here because many of you really reached out and touched me with your comments.
Lydia B, I think I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've known for quite a while that I've had some real problems with my drinking, but I didn't start trying to stop until December 10, 1996. Since then, I've had several brief periods of sobriety followed by some monumental screw-ups. But I've stopped again, 8 days now, and I'm going about it a lot differently this time. For one thing, I'm plugged in here almost constantly during the day. I've learned a lot. For one thing, I'm going to my first F2F meeting tomorrow. As far as God still loving you is concerned, I think Sanders puts it very well - God loves you and I love you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Hang in there, maybe we'll both make it this time.
Patricia K, my prayers will be with you and Michael. Losing a great friend is rough.
To the rest of you - thanks to all of you for being here and for your incredible sharing. God bless....
Member: chris h
Location: eastern shore DE
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 15:03:43
Hello everyone!I'm chris, I need some advice about my problems. In feburary I was pulled over for drinking and driving. BAL of .13. The police pulled me over for speeding(thank God it was not a accident). I'm now currently going through a alcohol program to get my licence back. 26 hours of education classes and 8 group sessions. Our counsler has instructed us to go to 3 AA meetings and write down information on meeting. I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow and not sure what to do. I feel that I'm not an alcoholic, but only need to educate my self a lot more. I'm only 24 and drink only occasionaly on weekend functions. I haven't drank since my dui. it is required by our classes to receive our licence back. How do I approach the AA classes? maybe i do have a problem with drinking? Any advice will be helpfull. Thanks chris
Member: Cathie M.
Location: West Texas
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 15:20:53
Hi everyone! First time to this site. I love what has been shared here. Self will run riot. That is what I was before I got to AA in February of 1995. It took what it took for me and that was alot of misery. Now I learn my lessons from joy as well as pain. I love the program and what it has done for me. As for Chris above, all you have to do at an AA meeting is show up. There is no protocal. People will welcome you and show you the ropes. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. You will never know if you are truly an alcoholic until you try and stop drinking. If you can give up drinking and never think about drinking again, then you are probably not one of us. But, if you think about drinking alot, then you are probably one of us. Hey we are not a bad group of people. I have met life long friends in AA. True friends that will be there for me forever. Hope you stay. Keep coming back. The topic for today is great and as a matter of fact just the reminder I needed to stay focused on my HP today. Thanks to all.
Member: Marshall D.
Location: In
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 16:18:39
My self-will is killing me. After 17 yrs sober I have quit living the way I should and am trying to do it my way. I have caught myself thinking the old ways instead of the way I know works. Instead of accepting life I am fighting it. I ask my self "Why can't I fix this" or "Why can't it be easier for a change."
Sometimes I feel like a beginner with more questions than I know how to ask. I have turned my will and my life over to God then taken it back and given it to someone else to fix. And they can't do it and I can't do it. Only God can. He will if I can find the courage to let him.
My Love to you all.
Member: DAVID W.
Location: DENVER
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 16:40:08
I'VE BEEN IN AND OUT OF AA FOR A FEW YEARS. WELL I'M BACK. DAY ONE AND I'M NOT DRINKING TODAY. MY SELF WILL RUNNING RIOT. IT DID THAT THIS LAST WEEKEND ABOUT LOST ANOTHER JOB AND WIFE. ALL BECAUSE I HAD THAT FIRST DRINK AND I DIDN'T WANT TO STOP. BROKE AND SOBER BUT I'M NOT DRINKING. I'M GREATFULL FOR THIS MEETING
Member: CHUCK K
Location: MINNEAPOLIS MN
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 17:32:17
Hi, Im chuck and I am an alcoholic. this is very evident today. Self Will Run Riot. This happens to me when I become overwhelmed and fearful. I realized this week that I am overplanning my life with school, work, and all the other things that are a part of my schedual. on top of all this we have a baby on the way. These are great gifts in my life. Although I become very overwhelmed and fuul of self. This can lead to anger, frustration, and agitation. This is what I do. I talk about my self will with others. this reduces tension. Then I ask god to take all of me. By this time I have no Idea what god intends for me in his plan for my life. Then I need to ACCEPT my situation in life ,for this is the only thing I can do to become at peace with The life situation. I am not completely recoverd from alcoholism, although this process has become easier and easier. To all the newcomers, keep coming back here and go to meetings. that is where I find release from this disease. I need to have a program without it I become a madman whose solutions are worse than his problems. THANK GOD FOR AA AND THE FELLOWSHIP. I CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE!!! THANX CHUCK
Member: Lisa C.
Location: MA
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 17:54:37
Hello everyone. My self ran riot this weekend. Iam new to this site. I had 11 days sober, really noticed how much better I felt. Then we got invited to a party that we go to every year and I always get drunk at. I drank and had a hangover. I realize it's not that easy. Now I have three days sober. I have a lot of respect for people who can just do it. I didn't want to come to this site again at first because I feel guilty but it's good to see you all again and hear your advice. Sorry to those in pain. Lisa
Member: Jeff C
Location: east coast
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 18:02:18
You get what you need! My names Jeff And I'm an ALCOHOLIC! My will has run riot, bringing me behind bars, ( jail bars, that is ). Who knew that sex in place of KING ALCOHOL could have as much damage. 7 years sober and I'm under arrest, feeling my low self esteam, wanting to drink. If you play on thin ice you'll certainly fall in. Than GOD I didn't drink, and I'm still SOBER.LOVE YOU ALL,Jeff
Member: John M
Location: NB
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 21:21:55
I everyone, I'm John, a grateful recovering alcoholic, on August 22 of this year I celebrated my 42nd birthday as a human being and blew the first 23 continuous months of sobriety I've had in my life. I am very disappointed with myself. I have been sober since the 23rd of August yet I'm having a difficult time with my feelings and have been unable to get any real sleep since Sunday. A little help please......
Member: Sandy L.
Location: Shelton, WA
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 22:09:56
Sandy swrr an alcoholic for sure. Hello to all of you. Thank you for all of your sharing and all of your honesty. For those of you going through loss my heart goes out to you. All of you with a few days, weeks, hours of sobriety that is all that the rest of us have. Blessings on you. Go to meetings, go to meetings, go to meetings (this is for me as much as for you) Jim, so glad you were spared. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you. Keep in touch. Let us help you if we can. Thanks all of you for your sharing. You are in my prayers. Sandy L.
Member: Howard
Location: Mobile, Al.
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 22:59:02
Good topic, just celebrated 13 years sober and still have the problem. First time here, also
Member: Sarah H.
Location: TX
Date: 25 Aug 1998
Time: 23:01:02
Hello everybody, my name is Sarah and I'm an alcoholic. My heart goes out to those who are suffering such monumental losses. My sponsor used to tell me that AA people are the bravest people in the world because we face LIFE on life's terms, head-on, without the dulling chemical of the booze. We just stand there and feel the feelings. Asking our HP to stand with us. And we learn to reach out with our hearts and our words and ADMIT to others that we are hurting. We learn to use each other... and help each other. What a wonderful gift this has been for me to learn.
And what a gift this web site is. The first few times I visited I found myself skimming through, getting the gist and running off. For some reason tonight I slowed down like you do at a meeting. Found myself reading every word. Trying to feel what the writer is feeling. Paying attention to names. This is a good sign. Life gets fast and it takes a meeting sometimes to get me to stop and, once again, listen. Tonight, I heard your hearts. Thank you.
Welcome to those of you who have a day or two. As has been said, we ALL just have this 24 hours. Nothing more, nothing less. Thanks and take care of yourselves!
Member: Lene B.
Location: Queensland, Australia.
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 06:01:55
Hi - I am new to this, and I will try and post something on the topic to-morrow
Member: Paul Q
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 08:46:33
Self will run riot..........Oh ya !!!!!!!!!
I came to AA when I was 19 yrs old and came back when I was 22yrs old to stay. Spent 12 1/2yrs here and loved the transformation of my spirit that took place. However, my rat (self will) had another plan. July 95 I stopped everything realting to AA. At 33yrs old I drank again. Self will (my way) not your way had kept me drunk for 3yrs. So glad you took me back a very hard struggle. It was through relapse that I truly have found my GOD and my fellow man.
P.S. forget about the time element its 24hrs people never forget that please.............
Love & Service Paul
Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 09:21:15
John M.:
Difficulty sleeping is very common. It goes away for most people within a few weeks. Being tired and unable to sleep is a lousy feeling. There are many "remedies". I used exercise, herbal teas, melatonin, reading, calling an AA before bed (preferably your sponsor). Try not to fret too much about it, that only makes it worse. Talk to people at meetings to get more advice. Get phone numbers. Get a sponsor if you don't have one yet, an interim one if necesaary.
Dealing with new feelings is also a common situation. That's just part of the recovery process. Going to meetings and working the steps help to deal with many feelings that, although "normal" people learned to deal with them through the maturing process, we alkies never came to grips with until later in life. Once again, talking to people in the program about them should be a big help. Best wishes on your recovery.
Member: Lydia B
Location:
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 09:33:38
I made it for another day! 2 days with out a hangover, lots of prayer is helping. Turning myself over to God and not listening to my self will . I hope it lasts this time. Lisa, I too have a "party weekend" coming up, and I am terrified. First, a birthday party for an in-law, and then my old drinking crownies want to get together. We are driving up with the kids, and I am determined NOT TO TAKE that first drink. Because I KNOW that if I do it is only a matter of time before the heavy drinking resumes. I am an alcoholic. When I drink I always want more, and I end up quite drunk passing out and not able to deal with family or kids. I never thought this would happen to me. But when I drink I always want more. I am an alcoholic. Just five mintues at a time and lots of prayer. Next step has to be a meeting. I am afraid. Thank God for this site and all of you. God bless all of you. Lydia
Member: Yvonne
Location: Chicago
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 11:08:36
Hi, my name is Yvonne and I am a recovering alcoholic. Lydia B. congratulations! Two things I heard at a meeting that helped me time and time again to not pick up that first drink: one, I've never wanted ONE of ANYTHING and secondly, as alcoholics we have an ALLERGY to alcohol. Our bodies do not process it in the same fashion a none alcoholic. The message is two fold, we have obsessive/compulsive behaviors and we will never be able to drink "normally". I remember how my relationship changed with my brother (active alcoholic) when I got sober. We'd always had a great time, getting drunk and carrying on and suddenly, I was clean and sober and he didn't quite know what to make of that. My sobriety means more to me than continuing the relationship with my brother. If your "old drinking crownies" don't like or understand the new Lydia, screw em'. Your sobriety has GOT to be #1. I used to think there was something wrong with people who didn't drink. When I'm in social situations that involve alcohol and that curious individual asks why I don't drink, I simply answer I don't like the effects it has on me. Simple, but God knows how very true.
John from NB, I feel for you. Guilt and shame are such crappy, undeserving feelings to have. And are probably a big reason why we drank to began with. Don't beat yourself up. We are humans with imperfections. We all are capable of slipping off the beam. You're obviously back on it by sharing with us. I read, or heard in a meeting once that before we take that first drink it is well thought about long before the actual drink is taken. One thing I've learned personally is after going to AA and should you slip up, you never do drink the same as you did before AA. Thanks to all who share and for letting me share today.
Member: Judy S.
Location: Mississippi
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 11:37:35
Hello, I'm Judy, I'm also a very grateful recovering alcoholic. I am brand new to this type of AA meetings. I'm very proud for finding this site. The topic is a good one and much appreciated. I have 3 and a half years of sobriety, and life. Thanks to God, the program of AA, my AA friends, I truly live and not merely exist. I am so grateful today. Thank you.
Member: John M
Location: NB
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 13:22:21
Hello everyone, I`m John, a grateful recovering alcoholic who is not feeling very good at the moment. I slipped on my 42 birthday after 23 months of continuous sobriety and am doing everything I can to get back on the AA beam. I`ve been sober since. I have good AA friends and a great sponsor. I am now faced with dealing with my wife`s wishes for me to leave, she needs to find and deal with things for herself hence I must respect that and separate from her and my three children. The slip and the situation are entertwined in my mind and I must face these things head on. I am dealing as best as I possibly can with my slip and understand fully that the unsettling in my life over the past few months was something I needed to deal with more agressively yet I did not. I was going to meetings and not being fully honest about how tense and worried I was inside about life and family. I was overwhelmed and did not take care of myself as well as I know I could. Now, I drank, and it`s worse. Pretty simple huh ! I love my wife and family and despite knowing I have been as good a father and husband as I could this disease I carry has made them all sick in varying degrees. The effects on my wife and oldest son (16) (I have three children 2 boys and a girl) are the most apparent. They all love. Today I am still tired both physically and emotionally yet I know God would never give me more than I can handle. I am very concerned about my family. Thank you to Larry M and Yvonne for your wise and encouraging words. I am not OK but I know I`m gonna be as long as I work my progam and can maintain the willingness to go to any lengths.
Member: Rita J.
Location: Indy
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 15:12:32
Hi eveyone, Rita. ALCOHOLIC. Progress, not perfection...Jim, what an awesome testimony to how this program works in the most powerful of crises, glad you shared!! Self will run riot: I used to think Sh*$ hit the fan everyday, except mine was an oscillating fan, it followed me wherever I went!! Today, as I "let go and let God", I find I do not have to stand in FRONT of the fan, the SH*$ will still fly, but I can step aside and not stand in the way. I am so grateful for you all and the love and support you show all members and non-members whatever stage of the disease we are all in. There is more and more scientificly proven evidence that what Bill and Bob were saying in the thirties, was proof positive to stay sober. Isn't our Higher Power Awesome?? May we someday not have to suffer in the stigma of the disease, but rather gain the understanding and love that this program teaches. Peace, Rita
Member: Rita J.
Location: Indy
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 15:13:12
Hi eveyone, Rita. ALCOHOLIC. Progress, not perfection...Jim, what an awesome testimony to how this program works in the most powerful of crises, glad you shared!! Self will run riot: I used to think Sh*$ hit the fan everyday, except mine was an oscillating fan, it followed me wherever I went!! Today, as I "let go and let God", I find I do not have to stand in FRONT of the fan, the SH*$ will still fly, but I can step aside and not stand in the way. I am so grateful for you all and the love and support you show all members and non-members whatever stage of the disease we are all in. There is more and more scientificly proven evidence that what Bill and Bob were saying in the thirties, was proof positive to stay sober. Isn't our Higher Power Awesome?? May we someday not have to suffer in the stigma of the disease, but rather gain the understanding and love that this program teaches. Peace, Rita
Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 15:34:21
John M.
I know you're in pain right now, but pain is what leads to growth, so hang in there. My bottom occurred when my wife took the kids and left me under the watchful eye of two NYPD officers. I was angry, sad, lonely, hurt, self-pitying, scared, you name it. But it forced me to deal with things I had avoided all my life, first and foremeost my alcoholism.
It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm sure it will be for you too. Suggest you don't try to force anything. Just work your program and things will fall into place on their own.
Good luck. Stay in touch.
Member: Lewne B.
Location: Queensland, Australia
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 16:14:48
Hi - I am Lene and an alcoholic. Self will run riot is a good subject for me, as I am finding it difficult to get to meetings, inasmuch as I mostly don't feel like going. I have been in the fellowship for over 10 years now and sober all that time, and lately I find that I don't enjoy the meetings the way I used to and find excuses not to go. I don't want my self will to make me stay away from meetings, as I know from what I have heard in AA all these years this will lead to drinking, and that is the last thing I want. I really love being sober and know that AA has saved my life. This is my first time on the net. Bye for now.
Member: Trish M.
Location:
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 20:22:26
Hello everyone... Haven't visted or posted in sometime now. It's really nice to have this 'Sober' evening to sit, relax and get on-line here, to see how you all'are doing and to share. Dinner is in the oven and my husband is at his home group AA meeting. Tell you what, tonight's serenity is the 'calm following the storm.' ...A storm of self-will run riot that is... Last night I attended a wonderful meeting...a meeting that I hope to attend weekly and make my second home group. Alcoholics Anonymous through and through...thank God for AA. I spent a couple hours earlier this evening at the library writing my 4th step inventory...and boy can I be fearful, dishonest, self-seeking and selfish. My claims, nearly my whole life, has been that God is responsible for the disaster I, and my life has turned out at times to be. What I'm now discovering is that I have been playing God throughout my life and the lives of family and friends. At times in the grips of my alcoholism, I've been even delusional...thinking in some warped and twisted way that I am equivalent to God, or even better cut out to do his work. Wow what a very sad discovery...and what a big mistake. Well, I've got to go...let's get out of our own way and let our HP create the miraculous joys and recoveries that (he/she/it) is capable of and wants to create for us. With warm wishes, Trish Hey Greg T., thanks for sharing. I needed to hear what you shared.
Member: John M
Location: NB
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 20:54:26
Thank you Larry for sharing and the sound suggestions. Lydia please follow your heart , it won't fail you. Iknow I have to do what it tells me to do because its being managed by my higher power. When I rationalize I loose and the cost with this disease is dear. My meetings are a large part my prescription for peace and when I don't take my medicine I get sick. My recent experience is very real. You touched me deeply with your post and I truly wish you recovery. God Bless .
Member: Sarah B.
Location: arizona
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 21:22:08
hello, my name is sarah and i'm a gratefull alcoholic today. i'm, enjoying reading all of this. its my first web meeting. how exactly does this work?
Member: SHANNON G
Location: St.Albert AB Canada
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 21:41:26
John M I can feel your pain John, I remember when I first sobered up and wife made the statement to me that she didn,t love me anymore and that she was going to find a way for my son and her to move out and get on with thier lives, I was devistated, I phoned my sponsor and he listen to me talk for a while then once I was done I remember his reply like it was yesturday and this was almost ten years ago he said you need to look after youself right now and if you do that everything will work out the way God intends it to be, PERSONAL RECOVERY IS NUMBER ONE. This one of the many times in my sobriety that I can recall thinking to myself that the next person who say,s to me "THIS TO SHALL PASS" I was going to punch them right in the mouth . So needless to say today whenever I say to someone else "this to shall pass" I keep a safe distance. ha ha.But you know what we do get through this stuff with the help of the pepole in the program and working the program to the best of our ability. As for not sleeping Iheard somewhere when I first sobered up that ANGLES TALK TO PEPOLE WHO WALK so on those night where I couldn,t sleep[ and there were many of them in the beginning] I would go for long walks and it would really help to clear my head which was usually full of wee little doors and they where all slamming at once, you will be amazed at how good it feels when your done CHRIS just show up with an open mind if you are one of us , after a couple of meetings you wil know in your heart and it will be up to you if you want to do anything about it and if you do we will welcome you with open arms. If you have even a thought that you are but still are not sure get a big book and read it ask for a meeting list as well on the back page should be 20 questions answer them honestly and remember that it is not how much you drink that determinds anything it is that when you start to drink you can,t say with any certianty what will happen, one more thing to think about " everytime I drank I didn,t get in to trouble, but everytime I got into trouble I had been drinking" I wish you all another 24 from Canada
Member: Doug K
Location: West Michigan
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 23:20:35
Hello everybody, my name is Doug, and I'm an alcoholic. I have been sitting here tenth stepping myself (which has become a favorite pastime over the years) about responding to the postings. You see, I am an alcoholic; and if I were to drink again it would ultimately kill me. But before I would die, I would destroy everything that I love - wife, children, family, self-resect - everything. Perhaps someone else's family. This is not merely a matter of sobriety, it's a matter of who possesses my soul, God or alcohol. Each and every day I have to decide whether I want to stay sober more than I want to drink and seeing that I'm powerless I have to ask for help. I have to be willing to go to any length. Lisa, Lydia - bless you - you don't know how much this fellowship loves you, but if you want to stay sober, I would suggest earnestly that you stay the Hell away from drinking buddies, In-laws , whoever it may be, whatever situation it might be, that would put your sobriety at risk ( the price is so great!). People don't go to whorehouses to play checkers.
John M. - Because there are so many people who want to use it we only allot ourselves five or ten minutes with it, so back on up to the ass-kicking machine and get it done with. You deserve some peace, so let yourself have it. I know today that the best thing that ever happened to me seemed, at the time, like the worst it could possibly be.
Ken A. - I would have thought that a town the size of Milwalkee would have meetings more often that once every eight days. Did you go tonight? If you want it YOU have to go after it, I can't do it for you.
Patricia and Yvonne - My heart aches for your losses, but soars because I understand what a gift it is to love so deeply. How awful it would be to have never had that.
God will do for me what I cannot do for myself, but only if I allow it. And today I will. Thank you all - love-
Member: Mark W.
Location: Bloomington IN
Date: 26 Aug 1998
Time: 23:30:40
Greetings to all. My name is Mark, and I am a real alcoholic, as described on page 30. The comments from Lewne B. from Queensland hit home, as I am approaching the ten year mark myself, and have over the years seen too many of my friends in the fellowship "fade away" after achieving a significant number of sober years. And too often, the next time I see them, they are back after a relapse. To avoid making the same mistake, I have taken the advice of my several mentors in the program: I take an interest in a newcomer, and make a point to come back to the meetings on a regular basis to check up on them. A simple greeting and a "Keep Coming Back" at their first meeting starts the process, then I ask them to commit to attend another meeting the next day or the day after. Then I show up myself, hoping they'll be there, and to let them know that we had been looking forward to seeing them again. And even if they don't show, I've at least gotten MYSELF to another meeting. So far, so good. Been attending multiple meetings weekly for nine years now, and have been priveleged to see many of those that I initially took an interest in get and stay sober. As one of my mentors likes to say, "You couldn't keep me away from these meetings with a bucket of s#*t and a mop!"
Member: Deena N
Location: St. Louis, MO
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 00:20:12
Hi my name is Deena and I'm an alcoholic - my sobriety is only 17 days old - The worst thing about that statement is that two weeks ago I was happy with 3 days. (I'm unable to get to meetings because of babysitting issues) When I was going to meetings I felt so much stronger - I am suppossed to go on a float trip with my drinking boyfriend (who I have not admitted to that I am an alcoholic - only that I'm not drinking for awhile. I know it makes him uncomfortable. So I think, well maybe I can drink only on the float trip - I'll just start this sobriety thing up after that - I don't know what I'm going to do. I am having trouble focusing on today - Do I need a meeting or what - See where my self will is taking me - Thank you for listening
Member: Jordan T.
Location: Highland Ill
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 09:56:03
Deena, hello my name is jordan and i am a alcoholic I can't not drink only when it is easy. I would go to a meeting ASAP if i felt i needed a break from not drinking to please someone. I have not been to the Lyndal Club in St. Louis but if i were where you are at I would go. I wish you- good luck,hard work,and god bless
Member: John M
Location: NB
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 12:36:00
I don`t understand what back on up to the ass kicking machine means
Member: Yvonne
Location: Chicago
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 14:00:16
Hi everyone, my name is Yvonne and I am a recovering alcoholic. I really enjoyed your comments Doug K. and Shannon G. This week emotionally has been the week from hell. The vice keeps getting tighter and tighter. I have 11 years of sobriety and will admit, it has been a long time since I have had the challenges put in front of me that I'VE (notice who is in control here!) had to deal with this week. My husband (who never has liked alcohol, imagine that!, I thought he was from Mars when we met), and I were "awfulizing" on the phone this morning and he made a comment how frustrating it was when everything seemed to happen at once. Why couldn't crappy situations be spread out a little more, he wondered. I shared with him a time in my life, about a year before I got sober, in a six month time frame, my beloved Grandmother died, I had left my husband, gotten pregnant by another man and had an abortion, was living in a friend's basement and lost a job. One Sat. afternoon I accompanied a guy who I was dating at the time, wire customer's homes for cable TV. While I stood bored and hung over in this customer's living room I noticed a framed scroll on the wall. I went over and read what, even in my insane drunken state of life, was the most profound thing I'd ever seen. It was the poem, "Foot Prints". When I read the part of the man questioning, why when he needed his Higher Power the most he saw only one set of footprints in the sand, and the Higher Power replied, "because that is when I carried you." I was like, "Wow......" It still gives me goose bumps and I am not exactly a mushy, Hallmark greeting kinda gal. Over and over I must stop and remind myself of this poem. Deal with today only, turn it over and try ever so hard not to take it back. Thanks for letting me share. Yvonne
Member: Doug F.
Location:
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 14:44:45
Hi All. I'm Doug, an alcoholic. Many people have shared many things this meeting, but I see many patterns all coming to the main point- Self will. I know where my will got me; drunk, in fights, a DUI, time lost from my folks. I have the same problem metioned by others about following my Higher Power. That, like they have stated, is MY will poking nasty little beak out of the nets, when it should be where it belongs... Far away from me :) I believe, though, that a certain amount of justification comes along with self will for myself. If I can convince myself I'm right even after I know I'm wrong, then I push to get my way, and consequences be D*mned. I hope and pray that others can learn from this mistake, because I learned it the hard way. I pray that the folks who are going through the tough times get through sanely, and soberly. To the newcomers, keep coming, and have Faith in any Higher Power that keeps you sober. Thank you all for your honesty. May God be with you, and help you stay sober one day or even one moment at a time, if need be.
Doug F, Kenner LA.
Member: Doug F.
Location:
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 14:45:15
Hi All. I'm Doug, an alcoholic. Many people have shared many things this meeting, but I see many patterns all coming to the main point- Self will. I know where my will got me; drunk, in fights, a DUI, time lost from my folks. I have the same problem metioned by others about following my Higher Power. That, like they have stated, is MY will poking nasty little beak out of the nets, when it should be where it belongs... Far away from me :) I believe, though, that a certain amount of justification comes along with self will for myself. If I can convince myself I'm right even after I know I'm wrong, then I push to get my way, and consequences be D*mned. I hope and pray that others can learn from this mistake, because I learned it the hard way. I pray that the folks who are going through the tough times get through sanely, and soberly. To the newcomers, keep coming, and have Faith in any Higher Power that keeps you sober. Thank you all for your honesty. May God be with you, and help you stay sober one day or even one moment at a time, if need be.
Doug F, Kenner LA.
Member: Lydia B
Location:
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 15:51:48
Day number 3 ! It has been a long time since I have gone three days without a drop. I can hear my self will telling me that all is fine and that I shouldn't be so concerned. I have a problem with alchohol. I am an alcholic. I know that I mustn't ever pick up that first drink. If I did, it would only be a matter of days before I ended up drunk & passed out again. It helps me to keep saying it . I know in my heart that I can not put alcohol into my system, but why do I keep coming up with excuses. Well, maybe just one glass of wine with dinner, and I might even just have that one, but I know that by the next day it's Vodka on the rocks by 9:00 am and then the whole terrible awful thing is running my life again. No tennis after 7:00 because mom is too drunk to pick you up. No mom can't go over the spelling words because she's she so drunk she can't see the words clearly etc... That is me when I am drinking. I never want to be that woman agian. I think it is time to pray . My weekend will be hard, but with the lord at my side I will make it through. God bless you all - Lydia
Member: George R.
Location: Granite, MD
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 15:55:02
My name is George R. and I am an alcoholic. Sober through the grace of my Higher Power and the program of A.A. First time at this meeting and I have gotten a lot out of it. I have found that after 15 years sober, I only really need one meeting a week. BUT, I attend at least five or six because I have no way of knowing which one I'll need! Self will is something I must work on daily just as rework the first three steps each morning upon getting my day started. To the young man on the Eastern Shore of Del., just attend the A.A. meetings (they are not "classes" but you are bound to learn alot if you just listen.) and try to identify with those who speak. You may not be an alcoholic, not everyone who drinks is; but, this is aprogram that allows you to decide this for yourself. Remember - it has worked for us! We are not perfect, but our lives are a whole lot more manageable and serene since we started living the AA way. Keep an open mind and miracles can happen! Love to all.
Member: Dee B.
Location: Upstate New York
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 16:54:28
Hi Everyone! My name's Dee ,alcoholic. It never ceases to amaze me that you always get what you need here. Self will run riot is just the topic I need today. I'm a person in a new place and just won't allow myself to get connected here at meetings. I will say that the pain and craziness and SELF WILL RUN RIOT are getting so bad that I have taken some steps and am going tommorrow. For those new people, Thank God when I first came in my sponsor told me that there was absolutely NOTHING in this world that was going to happen to me that a drink would make any better and to this day, many years later, I never forgot that. Notice the emphasis on NOTHING. Thanks for always being here for me ,because as we all know the end result of drinking for us is death or insanity. One more thing and I'll sign off. A very funny man in California with about 40 years told me that the banana that gets away from the bunch gets peeled. All true. Bye for now and love to you all.
Member: Rich R
Location: Detroit, MI
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 17:08:12
Self will is what caused the mess I found myself in over 7 years ago.
And self will is what still disturbs me today, even though today I don't drink/bet/smoke/overeat. I have found other outlets for my self will, like Internet addiction.
Great topic, I hope I let it sink in... Thanks for letting me share.
Member: John S
Location: Iowa
Date: 27 Aug 1998
Time: 18:40:37
My name is John,and im powerles over alcohol.What a wonderful time to be sober.My soberity date is Feb.1 1988.Im new to the cyber world,as soon as i heard aboout cyber meetings i found them and made it my first on my favorite list. Over the years ive learned to make AA a priority.The more time i spend with you,the less time my will has time to run riot.
Member: Cindy S
Location: California
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 01:23:21
Hi! Cindy S., California...Alcoholic...When I remember who's really in charge (and that it's not me!) my life works. When I don't...it doesn't...simple as that. I think the most important word in the Big Book is "practice." None of us knows how to do this thing perfect. I'm just glad we're not all sick on the same day. It never fails...when I need to hear it...someone brings God's message to me. My prayer is that I will "sit up and pay attention" when God sends His messengers. I just keep practicing this thing called "sobriety" and it keeps getting better! Thanks for letting me share. Like you had any other choice! :)
Member: David D
Location: Massachusetts
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 02:54:29
My name is David and im an alcoholic,After almost two years of sobriety I relapsed. I thought i didnt need the program or other people. I want to stay stober. In my relapse I drank insanely and am lucky not to be in legal trouble or unemployed. Thank you God for this 24 hrs. and thank you AA
Member: Hugh C.
Location: Bloomfield, Mi
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 07:19:50
I'm Hugh and I'm and Alcoholic! I am at school right now and I have just returned for the first full day. I am in an intensive day trewatment program for young people. It has been the hardest 8 months of my life but I am grateful for what the program has given me. I heard alot of people write about how they keep trying to take thier will back. Geez I can relate. It seems so hard after being in captive for so long to return to school and want to have that whole self-will run riot go on just cuz there is nobody looking over my shoulder. I am grateful to have a meeting online because I am at school and I will be writing more.. thanx
Member: Lydia B
Location:
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 09:48:33
Day number 4. I am so grateful for this sight. I had a dream last night that I took that first drink, and all hell broke lose. I woke up sweating and near tears. Why is our self will so destructive. All day yesterday I my head kept saying "you don't have a problem", but I listened to my heart and abstained for five minutes at a time. This is really so hard. I am still in disbelieve that this has happened to me. When I read your postings, I feel like I am not alone. I wish I had a magic wand to make all of this go away for everyone, but as we know there is no magic wand only our Higher Power. I believe in all of you and that makes me believe in me. Wish me luck this weekend. Three parties. (one with my kids). I am beginning to feel good about myself. I am bringing my bible and I think I will be praying alot. You all are so wonderful and brave. God Bless - Lydia
Member: Shelley
Location: California
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 11:27:41
Hello! First time here and I'm loving it! Talk about a meeting anytime. This will help keep me out of self will. By opening my ears, eyes ,heart to another person, it is impossible to think about myself. Self Will will get me drunk, Self will will tell me I am well, Self Will tells me I can skip a meeting tonight. Self Will got me here. Self Will blocks me off from the sunlight of the spirit. Today I pray the 3rd step prayer, reiterating "releive me of the bondage of self" and it may help for awhile but I have learned self will will shut the door to willingness,as it frequently does, I just need to be willing to pick up the tools that have been laid at my feet, RELY on my higher power and just don't drink! And go to meetings to remember where I came from, and see where I can go. Thank you all for sharing. For you newcomers, if this program can work for someone like me, then maybe it can work for you too! If you work it! God Does not have grandchildren. Everyone is worthy of his love and help if we ASK HIM FOR it. May god Bless You and Keep You! Shell
Member: Shelley
Location:
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 13:58:44
Member: Shelley
Location: CA
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 14:01:27
Sorry, I forgot to identify. I am a recovering alcoholic, my name is Shelley. That's the most important part of my message. (for me) Love and a hug...Shell
Member: Kelly R.
Location: Nebraska
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 14:33:15
Bob, don't worry about turning 1 day into one year. Just worry about today. I did and I learned that 1 day is all that I can handle. Before I knew it, I had that one year. I haven't drank yet today and I hope tha I don't drink before today is over.
Self will run riot is a very good topic and I wish that I could add to it. As an alcoholic, I can tell you all that my self will did not want give up without a fight.
Now, after more than 1 year, I find myself asking "God, what purpose have you for me that you would save me?"
Member: Brad B.
Location: Saskatoon, Canada
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 15:40:31
My name is Brad and I'm an alcoholic. I haven't said that in a while...I haven't attended a meeting in almost 2 years. I ran across this site by "accident" (yah right-I suspect that my higher power has had something to do with it). I was always astounded that so many meetings I attended seemed to be directed at me-that the topic was what I needed to be hearing. Well, that is exactly what has happened here with this site. It has reminded me that self-will is the root of my problems today. In listening to everyone share I have been reminded of what I have been missing by not going to meetings...you folks have the same feelings and frustrations that I do. And if I don't share with you all, I'm in deep trouble. My self-will has kept me from going to meetings because I started to "let personalities get in the way of principles" and I have only hurt myself. Thank you for being here to remind me that sobriety is not something that I am to maintain when it feels comfortable...my very life depends on it.
To those who have shared of marital problems; thank you. I too have had to deal with the loss of a marriage. It in fact probably ended three years ago when we seperated, but my self-will trying to change the situation thought it was still 'saveble' until this last week, when I came to understand that I was the only one that thought there was a chance for reconciliation. It has been in large part you others discussing these issues that have pointed out it was my self-will that was not allowing me to move-on...and thereby making my own life miserable for today (and the last many others). For this I thank you profoundly!
To Lydia B., hang in there! I'm praying for you too. To John M., thanks for your sharing and I pray that you don't let your pain run your life for as long as I have. I think I'll go to a meeting tonight, and I'll definitely be back here.
Regards
Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 16:38:26
Lydia P.:
I've only had a few drunk dreams over the years, but I've always considered them a blessing. They're like free slips! I get a good scare w/o the humiliation, destruction, etc. of actually drinking. They are lucid reminders of why staying sober is so important.
Good luck this weekend. If any of those parties will be of the cocktail variety, suggest you arrive late and leave early, if you must go at all.
My thoughts are with you.
Member: Brad A.
Location: Altoona, PA
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 20:35:11
My name is Brad and I am an alcoholic. This is my first time experiencing an online discussion and I am grateful that I found it! As everyone else before me shared I too am a product of self-will run riot. My self is the one who tells me that I don't need to share how I'm feeling cause its not important. My will leaves me hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. In short, if I turn my will and life(that too) over to the care of God, as I understand Him, things turn out alright. Really, I am so glad to have some where to come and feel at home. In the short 14 months that I have been around these rooms AA and God have done for me what I NEVER could do for my self. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Brenda H.
Location: Eastern NC
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 20:59:06
My name is Brenda and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic.
Glad I'm not the only newcomer to this site! As someone else said, God is doing for me what I can't seem to do for myself. For me it's always been about selfishness, self-will, riotousness, rebellion.....and some days it's back to square one living life on life's terms. The liquor problem isn't the issue much today......after being around a few 24's and finally doing what is "suggested". Romance/Finance......those are my downers today.....but I haven't had to drink so I know this, too, shall pass!
Hurricane Bonnie just came through this area......it reminded me of the "hurricane parties" my drinking buddies and I used to have in the past.....I didn't want to be there! The God thing has been an issue with me lately, although I say I'm a Christian and "know" there is a Power greater than myself....How quickly I can forget and put the "idiot" in charge!! That's why I have to "keep coming back"......I seem to develop "amnesia" at the drop of a hat! Thanks for all the sharing. I really needed it tonight. If no one has told you today that they love you, I do!!!!!!
Member: Doug K
Location: West Michigan
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 22:35:19
Hi everybody, my name is Doug and I'm an alcoholic. Sorry for no getting back to you sooner, John M. but just sat down after coming home from a meeting and read your question. What I tried to tell you is to quit kicking your ass over the past( you don't want to walk up to the ass-kicking machine facing it). The past belongs to your Higher Power, the future never arrives, today is all you have. When I finally came to these tables, I saw the wreckage of my past, huge piles of it. I was told that all that was necessary or I wouldn't be in the right place now. I was also told that when the time was right( Gods' time) I would clean it up as best I could. I contented myself with that and ultimately cleaned everything up but one last item with a person I have lost track of ( of course, I'm aware that there may be more that I have not remembered yet).
I don't like seeing people I love hurting. Nor do I like them to hurt themselves.
Love and peace, Doug.
Member: John M
Location: NB
Date: 28 Aug 1998
Time: 23:47:24
Today is all we have..Let go and let God ! Thanks Doug and Brad and Lydia for your caring. God Bless
Member: louis
Location: gatineau,quebec,canada
Date: 29 Aug 1998
Time: 00:01:49
louis,alkie i'd rather beleive in someting stonger then me and be happy today then not beleive in anything and be in the deep s... i was before.thats how i was thinking when i started.today i know,without aa i have nothing and without my HP i'm nothing.LET GO,LET GOOD.THANKS,AND LOVE YOU ALL.
Member: Deena N
Location: St. Louis
Date: 29 Aug 1998
Time: 01:50:26
Hi - I'm Deena and I'm an alcoholic - commented once this week - hope you don't mind repeats - I have been sober for 20 days now - And a whole new world in opening up for me - I compare it to many years ago , the first time I put glasses on and realized there were individual leaves on the trees (I was in denial about needing glasses too) I am noticing so many other things to fill my time with other that when I was going to drink again. I am actually enjoying spending time with my kids and doing the whole mom thing (reading at night to the kids, having sleep overs for the kids etc.) I did't realize I was spending so much time planning my next drunk. I will pray for the people that are newer than me to sobriety that you also can begin to expereince a new exciting world without alcohol - We did that alcohol think in the ground - let try something new - like living. Now there's a concept.
Member: Bob
Location: DC
Date: 29 Aug 1998
Time: 20:45:29
Hello! My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic. My self will is going to get me or someone else killed unless I stay in these rooms. I let my self will run amuk last week and before I knew it, I was drinking when I should have been at a meeting picking up my 3 month chip. Well, thank GOD my self will brought me back into these rooms. I have come to realize that there is only one thing in this world that I can't do, and that is drink. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Jennifer W.
Location: Nevada
Date: 29 Aug 1998
Time: 22:02:43
Hi, I'm Jennifer and I'm an alcoholic. Self-will run riot is what I am all about. When I got sober, I thought that was all I needed to "fix". I do everything to excess and I can handle it all on my own. Then, unfortunately, usually as an after thought I remember that I have a higher power. And when I do let it all go back to him I get the most amazing sense of peace and serenity. Thank you AA and my higher power for not only for saving my life but for giving me a life that I love.
Member: Sarah H
Location: Tx
Date: 29 Aug 1998
Time: 22:12:36
Hi everyone, Sarah here. Walked into my beauty shop today and there is a fellow member who works there. Over the shampoo bowl was a message written in big letters. I thought you might enjoy...
HI.
THIS IS GOD SPEAKING. TODAY I WILL BE HANDLING ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS. SO, HAND THEM OVER AND HAVE A NICE DAY.
LOVE, GOD.
I had been so busy trying to run my own show, when I saw this I seemed to relax. Like...yea, God, handle it. I'm pooped. Thought I would put this over my mirror so I could be reminded daily. Lydia, to you go my special prayers and thoughts. Thanks, ya'll.
Member: Christine M.
Location: Bayville, NJ
Date: 29 Aug 1998
Time: 23:02:54
Hi Everyone, My name is Christine and I am an alcoholic.
Sorry to burst in here and break format, I shared earlier on the topic but wanted to respond to CHRIS H. ON THE EASTERN SHORE OF DELAWARE:
CHRIS: email me at cmanga@adelphia.net for my story on court ordered AA meetings. I do not want to share it here as it is not topic related and I have already shared it here in the past and don't want to bore everyone with the details. I will say this however, I was sentenced to AA through the courts after a drunk driving arrest. That was almost nine years ago and I haven't drank since. I had just turned 24 at the time. Needless to say (then why say it, LOL!!!) Life has been better than good since.
CHRIS AND OTHER NEWCOMERS, CHECK OUT THE COFFEE POT SECTION.
Thanks for letting me interrupt here.
Love and Peace,
Christine M.
Member: Cindy G
Location: Down Town San Diego
Date: 30 Aug 1998
Time: 00:26:49
hi everyone, my name is cindy and im an alcoholic. im not sure why im here, except to tell everyone it was self will run riot that made me relapse last week. i had 9 months of sobriety. this is the first time i actually admitted it to anyone but myself, i guess i thought if i tried to forget about it, maybe, just maybe ill wake up and it will all have been a terrible nightmare, like in early sobriety. i dont get it, i was so positive i was done! what happened? actually, i think i know what happened. i got a sponsor (like suggested), i started working my steps (like suggested), then i stopped about half way through my 4th step (not suggested!!!!!) now what. i feel like i cant show my face at my regular meetings, cause then ill have to announce myself all over again. i guess my biggest fear is of being regected. im sure im not alone. right??? id like to hear from anyone who thinks they can shed some light.
thanks for letting me share
cindy