Member: Kitina M.
Location: Morgan Hill, CA
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 00:50:57
Hi, Kitina, alcoholic/addict. Thanx for the topic. I have always had trouble with spirituality and don't know if I have ever experienced it, until today. After reading what everyone had to share, I have realized that my first spiritual awakening was the day I decided to clean up. My kids were in foster care, my husband and I were living in a motel room, and my addiction was out of control. My kids had been gone for almost six months and I hadn't been able to get sober or quit using. Then all of a sudden, one day, I decided I wasn't going to use or drink. I can remember that day as if it was yesterday. I didn't know what happened on that day for a long time. Now I have realized that it must have been God. He had to have been there. Soooo many times before I had tried to quit. For some reason that day, March 3, 1997, almost 2 1/2 years ago, I received a moment of clarity. Although I had no clue at that time, God was there to rescue me from a life that was totally unmanageble and insane. He was there to save my life, to save my children from a life of hell, and to save my marriage to a wonderful man. My husband and I got sober together, and have an awesome relationship today. Life shows up every day and isn't always easy. I was in a meeting a couple of days ago. I really listened to the promises of AA. I use to wonder why I haven't received all of the promises. It says sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. What caught my ear two days ago was the part that says we will intuitively know how to handle situations that use to baffle us. This is so true for me. God has given me the courage and the strength to handle life situations that show up. As long as I do the footwork and let go of the outcome, I feel all right. Things usually work out. Just as long as I don't pick up a drink or take anything, life will get better. One last thing, I know I need to go to meetings and stay in touch with people when things are going good. I also know I need to go to meetings and stay in touch with people when things are going bad. In other words, I need to go to meetings and stay in touch with people all the time. Thanx for letting me share. Kitina M. Alcoholic/Addict
Member: Mike
Location: Az.
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 01:22:32
Hi Mike Alcoholic. You Gave Me A Chuckle When You Shared, Jody. I Was Once Alot Like You When First Come To A.A. Different But Alot Alike. I Didn't Like How Some People Talked, Looked & Acted Ect. But I Just Kept Going. No Matter What Was Said. Just Remember, This Getting Sober Stuff Is About You, Not Anyone Else. Don't Let Anyone Scare You Away Or Down Play The Importance Of it. As You Can Probably See Its Something That Many Of Us, Place Above All Else In Our Lives & I Pray That You Will Someday Know The Same Joy & Happiness That We Have All Shared About & Experienced. Misty Congatulations!!! Way To Go 6 1/2 Is A Long Time. Keep It Simple & Keep Showing Up To Meetings. With My H.P's. Help We Will Have Not Found It Nessesary To Have A Drink For 5 Yrs. @ The End Of This Mouth. What A Blessing!! Thanks For Your Shares You Are All A Part Of My Spiritual Awakening For To Day. Remenber Don't Quit Before The Miracle Happen's & You All Are The Miracle's.
Member: Jon L
Location: St. Louis,Mo
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 01:50:05
why are so many people in the rooms so critical and judgemental of others
Member: John M.
Location: Ventura CA
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 01:56:12
My name is John and I am an alcoholic.
It appears the above post is a response to last weeks topic so, so I'll assume I'm first post for this week.
I've been exposed to several drunk people lately and I thought back to when I was "ready" for AA and wondering if these people were in need of assistance. Before I seriously came to AA I attempted to stop drinking many times but all failed because as Einstein said "The mind cannot fix a problem it created". Events and emotions always led me back to the drink, each time getting progressively worse. Only as the result of intense suffering, hopelessness and several near death experiences did I seek out a solution by going to AA. In my darkest hour two people invted me to AA meetings and this may have very well saved my life. Previous to then, several other people mentioned to me that they sobered up through AA and suggested I do the same if I ever thought I needed to. This exposure to members of the fellowship opened the door for me and all I had to do was gather the courage to join AA. So I would like us to dicuss our how we knew we were "ready" and how we "carry the message" to people we think might need to here it.
Member: Stacey
Location: midwest
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 02:30:19
I think if a person has any kind of willingness to become sober, and is "WILLING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT", they are ready. AA has been a journey for me, not an end state. I came into AA at the age of 14 years old. I knew I did not want alcohol to continue ruining my life, but found it very difficult to relate to others at AA meetings. Should have waited until I could relate? NO! I carried some tools aways from those first experiences, and knew where to go at age 15 when I was willing to go "any length to get it". This meant I listened to things I didn't always like (I should probably change some things in my life besides not drinking), and respecting adults point of view.
I have changed leaps and bounds over the past 9 years (sober 8 continuous) of being in AA. I started doing a lot of direct service in AA and sponsoring other women. I have changed in that my profession makes it difficult to sponsor people in close vicintiy ( I work in treatment and prevention of alcohol problems). I continue to share and relate to people in the program I knew before going to my new job 2 years ago. I enjoy this new experience of sharing on the internet. I also do a lot of carrying the message directly through my employment, and refer clients to AA and AA members whenever possible. It took me a long time to define my boundaries and get a balance between my job and being a member of AA. I am not an expert in either arena; I continue to learn and share my experience, strength, and hope in both arenas.
I am grateful for all the friends, inside and outside of AA, that bring a sense of balance to the insanity of "life" and call me on my defects.
Thank you for letting me share. Any women who would like to coorespond, stmyers@splitrocktel.net
Member: James Lupp
Location: Montrose, Colorado
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 03:51:47
Hi, my name is James, and I'm an alky. I remember a cold January morning at 6:30 when I got what I believe to this day, to be my last window of opportunity to look at something that always stayed in the back of my mind since I saw the word "honest" written in the traditions on the wall of a treatment center. The old, yellowed traditions board read "The only requirement for membership is an honest desire to stop drinking" The old third tradition. We have taken out the word "honest", but it was there for me to see. And that word haunted me that January morning, after twenty years of hard drinking and my vain attempts to control the uncontrolable. I looked up at the morning sky and asked whoever was listening to let that be my last drink. As I went to put it down(empty, of course!) I felt the sensation of that drink being taken from me. I have quit or tried to quit drinking for a number of reasons; save a job, save a relationship,or get someone off my back. But never an honest desire to just stop drinking! In my heart of hearts, I sensed that my next suicide attempt would work. My drinking was indeed suicidal. I'm not sure I was cognizant I was ready at the time, I do know that I hoped it was not too late. A leap of faith! AA caught me! I pray each morning for what I can do for the alcoholic that still suffers and the answers come if my own house is in order. I was told by my sponsor that I might be the only Big Book that someone sees today and to carry this meesage. God actually delivers it! Just like He did to this ole drunk when He took that drink out of my hand. It takes something very poerful to take a drink out of my hands. I too, work in a treatment center and meet prospective members everyday. To this day I don't know who is supposed to hear this message, I just assume everyone I meet is there for reasons that are none of my business. My only business is to do the Fathers work, not the Fathers job. For that I am ready today. God willing. In the Fellowship of the Spirit. James L.
Member: Albuquerque John
Location: Scotland (today)
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 05:28:04
Hello all you fellow real alcoholics out there. Was thinking about you yesterday JL up in Montrose! Great message!! Also thinking this is just the perfect place to be. Thanks also for staying with the previous topic.
Yeah, while you are remembering your moment of clarity I am remembering mine. So I guess I am still selfish and want to hold on to it. That was the moment when I knew "the gig was up" - it's very very special! Where else could I hold on to it except in AA.
I landed many years ago at the right place at the right time to have that special moment. Moreover with the right people! I owe my life to a tiny group down there in SW New Mexico. They even promised me that one day I would be able to return to my own land in order to learn from the wreckage of the past and to see the part I played in it.
All the promises have been fulfilled. I no longer need to run from life's problems. All I did was do what they did! Accept AA's description of an alcoholic, accept and understand the problem and live in the solution one day at a time. So I guess I'll claim progress not perfection!
We are all miracles - if I could explain a miracle, it wouldn't be a miracle would it? All I know is God must have had a hand in this deal!
With you also in the Fellowship of the Spirit.
Member: Lucky Jim
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 06:20:37
Greetins to you all. Rainy Sunday morning here in Dublin, and I'm feeling more than a little bit ashamed of myself. Thia was the first Sunday for a while that I've woken up at home (I'm a musician and travel a lot) and thus a rare opportunity to vist my home meeting which is on a Sunday morning only. Well, it started fifteen minutes ago and I'm still at home. Too bloody comfortable and lazy to move. There's danger here. I'm getting smug, and unfortunately that's in my nature. I'll have to go to some other meeting today or my conscience will give me hell! I don't know if I'm on topic or not, as I don't know whether we're in a new week; if I'm being irrelevant I apologise. I just fely I had to admit my stupid laziness to someone. And it is stupid have such an easy and even occasionally enjoyable method of keeping oneself sober readily available and not take advantage of it. We're so lucky, and yet sometimes we (that is, I) take this fellowship for granted. Professional shrinks would charge us an arm and a leg for what we are offered merely for taking the trouble to turn up. I am sober now for three years. I'd tried AA several times before the message sank in, but always for the wrong reasons. Loke many others, I went to assuage the misgivings of my wife, friends and potential employers. When I eventually hit rock bottom both materially and psychically I was lucky enough to bounce back just high enough to grasp the bottom rung of the ladder which gave me back my life: this Fellowship. Thanks for listening - Lucky Jim.
Member: Robert B
Location: N.B.Canada
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 07:03:27
I knew I was an alcoholic many years ago,I mean when you drink every single day,get drunk most,start with the first drink upon awakaing,and have your last drink of the day when you pass out in a chair or wherever,day after day,it does not take a genious to figure out that if this isnt being an alcoholic then,well,Ill do till one comes along.But I had to get into a lot of trouble and get beat up real good before I would even consider trying to change.I went through 3 families,numerous other relationships all crazy people who said I drank to much,lost houses,you know all the usual stuff,but give up drinking?,are you kidding,alcohol was the best friend I ever had.It soothed me through the bad times[that it mostly caused]it made the good times better,and I could always look around and point to someone else I knew who drank even worse.When my body started to tell me it wasnt taking it well anymore but my head still needed it,I followed the usual route of seaditives[with a willing doctor],de-tox centers,hospitals,where they told me things like a enlarged liver and pancrititus was definitely unhealthy,the court system where judges told me to abstain completely or go back for another short visit to jail,none of this really convinced me that I would have to give up my old friend forever.I even staggered through the doors of AA from time to time wondering how reading these books of theirs and talking about drinking was ever going to actually make someone like me give up alcohol.I thought right from my first exposure to AA that here is a nice group of people,who although they dont seem terribly happy,at least meant well,and if I ever REALLY needed to stop,why mabey I would come back and try this stuff about steps and big books and stuff.But,you see I wasnt really that bad yet.I still had my good times drinking,even though it was taking a hell of a toll on me,and someday I would figure out a way to "control and enjoy" my drinking.Well,it never happened.What I want to say is it wasnt untill I felt,I KNEW,down to the deepest core of myself that drinking was no longer any fun,would never be any fun again,and all I had to look forward to was more sickness,trouble,suffring,and misery,and a very fast approaching death,taking nothing with me but my swollen liver,did AA finally start to make a whole lot of sense.Now it is my way of life,I love it and live it,not because I HAVE to,[which I do]but because I love it.I hope not every one has to go down as rough a road as I did.
Member: Chuck K.
Location: Texas
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 09:13:07
I'm Chuck, and I'm hopelessly alcoholic. It's only by God's Grace and His Doing for me what I could never do for myself that I've awakened sober today.
My moment of clarity came in the middle of the night in 1984. I was sitting on the back steps of my mother's house, puking and trying to swallow enough liquor and beer to make me pass out, my way of living for a couple of years by then. My body wouldn't allow me to take any more. I was contemplating ending it all, when it occurred to me that I couldn't drink and I couldn't not drink. I didn't know what to do with me. I was 24 years old and my life was over. To cut to the chase, I ended up in the hospital being detoxed and later referred to AA.
AA saved me. This program and fellowship led me out of my despair to a conscious contact with God as I understand Him. He's kept me sober ever since my last puke-a-lot, guzzle-more drunk that I just shared. 12 steps show me a path to His Will for me today--sobriety, sane behavior, serenity, SERVICE.
I pray to carry the message that I've had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps in all my affairs. I pray to walk the reality of this program in my life. My sponsor used to say "we may be the only Big Book somebody who needs us might ever see." Sometimes I do OK with this, others I fall short, for I'm human with all that entails. Complacency is another boogey-man from my ego. But work with an alcoholic who still suffers always saves the day and helps me get back on the broad highway.
I'm grateful for today. I learned along time ago that if God Can Keep me sober today, He Can Keep me that way the rest of my life. And His Grace is a Free Gift. A simple kit of 12 steps opens me daily to this Gift.
Ain't it great? God Bless all here. Love from Texas to all my fellow travelers. The journey itself on the Broad Highway is awesome.
Member: Mike F.
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 09:55:48
HI - I'm Mike and I'm and alcoholic...I just found this 'cyber' AA meeting this AM and am very glad we have this recovery tool available!
I was very fortunate (with a lot of help from a Power greater than myself), a little over four years ago, to reach somewhat of a moment of 'clarity'...finally becoming ..."sick and tired of being sick and tired"... after many, many years of drinking (and stopping, I might add!).
Through AA, I've learned that it wasn't the 14th or 15 beer that that always got me in trouble -- it was that FIRST one!
If I don't take that first one today, my chances of staying sober today and being able to live my life responsibly are pretty good.
Thanks for letting me share and I'm going to keep coming back!
Member: JCP ^/^
Location: Penn's Woods
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 10:02:30
J here, a grateful alcoholic:
Getting sober for me was a little like feeling around in the dark for a light bulb or fuse --you could be in for a shock. The root I think now was spirituality. Kitina's post on it was a reward for me this morning.
Openness to spirituality may be the biggest hurdle between A.A. and quite a few people, at least until we discern it is not a hurdle at all but the opening.
A.A. gets accused of pushing religion, but spirituality and religion are not the same thing, obviously. As I see it, spirituality is to religion as intelligence is to education and as substance is to form. A.A. urges that we be open, freed up by our own spirituality which is in each even if we have not noticed lately.
Not that this looked easy, after I had been drinking a long time. I experineced big problems in denying spirituality, but much more in trying to see how to release or express it. What could I do, go around telling people, "Hey, look at me, I'm spiritual"? Fortunately, one day at a time, it works out.
"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." BB p. 98 (A little sexist, but they're working on that.)
I typed it right -- "trust God and clean house" IS singular, the only condition.
Have a nice week
Member: Terrie E.
Location: Alabama
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 11:08:55
This has always been a difficult situation for me. I don't know how I got ready. I just know I had a moment of clarity when I knew only God could help me. As far a knowing when someone else is ready, I never do. I've dealt with family members, friends, and relatives of friends. All I try to do is what Bill talked about: I let them know where I've been and how I got out. If they want it, they'll pick up the kit of spiritual tools, even if it's empty at the moment.
Member: Bob C
Location: Massachusetts
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 12:13:07
All of what you are saying makes sense. For me the trouble is getting up the nerve to walk into my first meeting. I know it is time to quit. I've had failed attempts at suicide but can't seem to go to that first meeting. I come from a long line of alcoholics and watched my father fail miserably trying to stop drinking with AA. I guess maybe the fear of failure has made me reluctant to try.
Member: MikeE
Location: Las Vegas
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 13:16:13
so whats the topic this mornin,.......lmao,...lol
Member: MikeE
Location:
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 13:19:02
How I started,..........wow,......found myself with NO job,......losing my house my car,.....my life,..........gettin hooked into AA in the Las vegas area wasd pretty ez,........all kinds of meetings,.....as late as 2am,.......
Member: Greg S
Location: Belmont, MA
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 13:21:10
Hello, my name is Greg, I'm an alcoholic.
Bob C, how are you? I identify with your trouble in getting to the first meeting. I had to lose most of my friends, my live-in girlfriend, pretty much all of my money, my self-respect, dignity, self-confidence, self-esteem, my family and almost my job. I was at a bottom, then I called an AA friend who got me to a meeting. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I did it. How I did it, I'm still not sure. I do know that I was willing to do ANYTHING to get sober. It worked. I've been sober for a little over 3.5 years, and I have the trust and respect of my family and friends again. Today, my life is good. I still don't drink no matter what, No Matter What! I go to meetings, I talk to other alcoholics and I help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. If your ever out this way, I'd be glad to go to a meeting with you.
Member: Gracie
Location: Texas Forever
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 13:31:10
Gracie here, an alcoholic. How did I know I was ready to get sober? The answer is I didn't. I had been hanging around AA for a couple of months because I had a friend who was sober in AA. I was going to meetings to support her. LOL I had been saying I was an alcoholic for years. That was my excuse for drinking, after all that's what alcoholics do. One day at a meeting I took a chip. Not because I wanted to get sober, but because they said I could maybe not drink for one day. That was good enough for me. I never planned to get sober for good, just for one day. That was in 1984 and today I plan to stay sober today. I hope to die sober because I believe that's the goal, but to think about never ever having another drink is dangerous thinking for me. You see, I'm not one that pledges work well for. I promised too many times to never drink again and I always disappointed myself and others. The way I carry the message is to live a good and decent life and help others when I'm asked. Many people need this program but to evangelize AA goes against the Traditions. We are a program of attraction rather than promotion. If I live an attractive life, carrying the message is automatic. Love to all and this is a very good topic.
Member: Ardis M
Location: SoCal Mtns
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 14:27:03
Ardis, alcoholic. I remember sitting in a Friday night meeting in late August 1985, white-knuckling it since my 4-11-85 sobriety date. I had been drinking off and on while going to meetings for the previous 9 months before that date. I just could not, would not understand a word what was being said, it was Greek to me, but I kept coming back because no one else talked nor socialized with me in town. Also, I had been told that AA would work and I was going to PROOF that these AA-ers were wrong! Defiant to the bone.
I had just returned that day from a cross country car trip to the Ottawa area and had spend the whole summer with AA friends, soaking up their acceptance as I was and their attempt to nurse me back to mental health.
Sitting in that meeting, I could not understand why I could NOT grasp what was being said. Why could I follow the Triptik direction from AAA (triple A) to find my way back and forth from Calif to Ottawa without getting lost and why could I not understand the 12 steps and what was being shared in meetings. Sitting there so isolated, I felt so utterly defeated, I just knew I was on my way out again, and I admitted that utter defeat within my heart of hearts and cried out within: please God, help me. (Surrendering it was!)
I got an electric shock or jolt, my chair shook, the earth moved, the lights flickered, and no one in the meeting reacted! After a moment, I whispered to a friend next to me, did you not just feel the earthquake? She looked at me funny and whispered back, keep coming back honey, it works better if you don’t drink. Still at it eh? Immediately offended I shut up. I started again to listen to what was said and I heard! .. it was about change! From that moment forward I hear and understand every word shared in the meetings I attend.
After that meeting some people came up to me and told me how radiant I looked, that something must have happened while I was in Canada. I never said a word about my ‘spiritual experience’ that gave me that sudden, vast change in feeling and outlook. I did not understand what ‘hit’ me anyhow, just weird, scary stuff happening in my mind. Later I did some research and found a satisfactory answer for me, in the book “Pass it On’, chapter Six, page 124/125.
The rest of my spiritual experiences are of the educational variety, with once in a while a light bulb clicking on, and that is quiet okay with me. One was enough.
I have been very protective of that one experience and extremely grateful. I am convinced that I was incapable of being honest with myself for years, and I am also convinced that I was beyond human help. I had tried AA since 1973 to no avail. Because of that spiritual experience I became teachable and threw myself fully into the suggested program to be found in the first 164 pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous including FOR ME the prefaces, forewords and appendices. God DID for me what I could not do for myself ... I also am still willing to go to any length to stay sober today! Love and bless us all for another 24.
The rest of my spiritual experiences are of the educational variety, with once in a while a light bulb clicking on.
Member: Jen P.
Location: Eastern PA
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 14:43:19
Hello Jen P. alcoholic. I have many spiritual experiences and spiritual awakenings since I came in to this fellowship 7/94. "Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" but always. Love you all. Thanks for being there for me.
Member: SuzyQ
Location: NJ
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 16:06:22
May 7 1999. I was drunk in a bar and fighting with my husband, again. I walked out. Couldn't drive,could hardly walk. Closest phone- the truck stop along the interstate. I called my sister to pick me up, again. I'm walking around a very bad place without my wits about me- very dangerous- and I got scared. After sobering up at a friends house with alot of patience and understanding. I realized what I knew all along, that I cannot live my life like this. Getting off the speed ayear ago wasn't enough. I had hit a brick wall and if I didn't get a grip on my life I might never find peace again. I was trapped in a bad marriage, my childeren were not being raised the way I had intended, and as hard as I had been trying to get back to God, I couldn't find Him because I had not yet turned my will over to Him, as I had in my earlier days. Since then I got with the program, left my husband,and am going through the most difficult emotional time in my life, so far. Even with all of that,' I can see clearly now, the rain is gone' and it feels great. My friends and family and some complete strangers, all of you dear people in the fellowship, have given me so much love and hope that I wish it would have happened sooner. Mabey things had to follow the course that they did to get me where I am now. Either way I'm happy to be here and sober. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Jean W.
Location: WV
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 17:26:46
I'm Jean and I AM an alcoholic. At 63 I didn't think that I had a problem BUT I DID. After my fourth or fifth fall and landing in the hospital, my doctor suggested I go to treatment. I went for the sake of my adult children. I started AA 9 1/2 years ago also for my children. I now know that I had a problem, a big problem. I haven't had to go back out thanks to my Higher Power and thanks for the understanding of one day at a time. I had been around alcohol all of my life starting with 'hot toddies' as a small child. I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without alcohol! When my son got married when I was 5 years sober, I knew that if I drank the Champagne Toast (breaking my sobriety) that his life wouldn't be happier, longer, or any better. It would be worst with a drunk mother and grandmother. I am happy to be sober today.
Member: don. rolston
Location: BOTHWELL ONT.
Date: 08 Aug 1999
Time: 19:40:59
A.A.is a wonderfull program if it wasnot for it i would be dead by now i have been in for a few 24 hrs. it sure has change my life and the way i live we are one happy family now if it was not for a a i would not have one. i can't say enough good about the program. it is there for the people who want it. not the people who need it. thanks for letting me share with you don. r.
Member: "Yawn"
Location: Auburn, CA
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 09:44:10
My name is "Yawn" and I'm an alcoholic/addict.
I have a burning desire - My wife has a big problem with me going to "too many meetings" (per week). She says that I need to be spending more time repairing our marriage and not so much time on my recovery. MAJOR RESENTMENT ON MY PART!!! I'm just amazed that after her being 6 months in her 12-step recovery program that she still doesn't understand that my life is on the line here. Crap like this makes it hard.
I guess I just have to understand that she is probably sicker than me! After all, look at what the poor girl did - she married a drunk! Big Book says we need to be kind and understanding of others who are sick, and that we need to as God what can we do to help those who still suffer. I need to understand that my wife is a victim of this disease too.
Thank you God and thank you AA for listening.
Member: Ben H
Location: Iowa
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 11:29:57
Greetings Everyone! First timer so please excuse me if I screw up....I can relate to Yawn and how his wife is not liking his going to sooo many AA meetings...I myself had that problem in the past. My advice- talk about it with her and find a "happy medium" that you can both live with soberly. AA saved my life, but now I have responsibilities, (children, wife, household chores, spending time with them, etc..) so I don't get to as many aa meetings as I used to, but I now can live a sober life and be happy because of the MANY meetings I hit in that first year and because of attending at least one a week for as long as I live now....Find that medium YAWN, not the "all or nothing" that we alcoholics are typically like when it comes to most things whether it be going to meetings or exercising or anything else. thank you for letting me share- God Bless
Member: Joanna
Location: Portland, OR
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 12:05:38
Joanna-Member of AA. Thanks to everyone who has posted. On June 5, 1996 I had my most profound moment of clarity, I came to and was frightfully aware that I had a desicion to make, life or death. I do not remember much of anything after that, 5 days later I walked into my very first meeting of A.A. and I have not had a drink or drug since. I am fully aware that I very lucky to have had such an experince, yet I am not surprised. Looking back over my drinking life I can see how my HP was trying to gently push me to A.A. but I heard it when I heard it. I did a lot of damage in my life but there is and was still more to come if I decide to pick up. I had found a sponser who at the time had +20 years and has never had the experience of going out and I liked that. I heard in my first thirty days that "relapse was part of some peoples story, but it did not have to be part of mine" I stopped planning my own relapse right then. A spiritual awakening is an experience I do not ever want to miss, so I keep showing up because I do not know when something spiritual might happen. My biggest achievement, not counting finding a relationship with my HP, is letting go of my EGO, coming to believe I am no better or worse than anyone else was and still is very hard. I judge my insides with other peoples outsides. One day at a time I try to remember just a few things, the first drink gets me drunk, I only have to do this one day at a time, there is a God and I am not it, and my HP has a plan for my life and my only job is to show up and be the best person I can be. Where would I be if not for A.A. hopefully dead, but with the luck of a drunk I would be alive, miserable, and wanting death. So, here I am over 3 years sober, Friday is my 30th birthday and I never had it so good. Take it easy, Joanna
Member: glo
Location: abq,nm
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 12:15:02
Hi, Glo alcoholic. I don't ever remember saying "damn I need to get sober!" For years I identified myself as a lush, not as an alcoholic cuz "those people" went to meetings (LOL). For years I knew I drank alcoholicly and I accepted that fact. I figured as long as I wasn't hurting anyone it was okay. See, I was a binge drinker and I thought because I'd always been financially responsible for myself and I didn't drink daily (yet) etc. etc. that I was not hurting anyone. A close friend of mine started going to meetings with another friend who had been court ordered. I eventually joined them because I couldn't stand the thought of them doing something I wasn't included in (God doing for me what I could not do for myself???). The 1st meeting I went to with them was in October of '93 but I didn't commit myself to the program until 3 months later. I kept showing up to meetings during that 3 month period (with or without those friends)because it just felt good. I guess that was one of my first spiritual experiences. I've experienced several since then and none have been of the "burning bush" magnetude. My Higher Power knows how I work and I always seem to get what I need in a way that I'll get it. As far as carrying the message goes the best I can do is share my experience, strength and hope in meetings and try to live life well; afterall it is a program of attraction not promotion.
Member: Steve F.
Location: Wenham, Massachusetts USA
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 16:49:46
Steve F., alcoholic
Bob C. You don't have to go through what your father did. AA has worked for millions of people and it can work for you. I would be happy to help you get to your first meeting. I work in Boston and live north of the city (between Beverly and Ipswich). What part of the state are you in?
Member: Lisa LC
Location: Ventura County,CA
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 16:54:50
Hi, I am Lisa LC and I am an alcoholic. I will share later but wanted to post my new email address: LCRMOMX3@cs.com . Thanks.
Member: Bonnie Z.
Location: PA
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 18:27:33
This is for Jon L. in St. Louis. Jon, there will be critical, judgemental people wherever you go, no one is perfect. I have found; however, that most people in the rooms are just the opposite. I have had people that went out of their way to take me to meetings when I didn't have a car, others who were willing to escort me home after a late night meeting, people who let me discover for myself that I was an alcoholic-they didn't point any fingers. I have found a loving, caring fellowship with people that do not take my inventory(unless, like my sponsor, I ask her to). Keep coming back, one day at a time. Be the best that you can be-miracles happen, I've seen them. It was a miracle that brought me here, and today I am a miracle. This is one way to carry the message, right here, and that is part of my responsibility, to give away what has been freely given to me. Love y'all.
Member: tod
Location: cottonwood AZ
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 21:44:41
my pc is keeping me sober. i think HP is working thru it. Blessings to ALL...
Member: Lisa LC / LCRMOMX3@cs.com
Location: Ventura County, CA>
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 21:48:36
Hi, my name is Lisa LC and I'm an alcoholic.
The subject at hand-"READY" and "CARRY THE MESSAGE". Thanks John M. for the topic.
When my moment of feeling "ready" happened, I was sitting on the couch feeling great pain from the death of my mom. I suddenly realized that I could not drink nor use to kill this heartache of a pain. If I used, I might die and If I didn't die, I would have to feel this pain eventually. So, what's the point!! I was now "READY" to stick around, pray to god, go to meetings, get a sponser and re-read the Big Book. It's taken me since 1991 to be "READY"! I only hope and pray that I will stay in this surrender and feel the peace I've never felt before.
"CARRY the MESSAGE" to me means that I MUST give back what has been given so freely to me. I must extend my hand and welcome the newcommer. I share my experiences, strentgh, and hopes. There is always someone out there with far more troubles than I and in doing this, it allows me to be greatful and also helps keep me sober one more time. I really do love this program of AA, it has given me a life I thought never possible. Lifes tough, but the program helps us with everyday up and downs, happiness and sorrows. It allows us to learn how to "FEEL" our feelings and shows us how to deal with "Life on Life's Terms". Thank You for the program of AA, you out there listening and to God for allowing me to share tonight.
Member: Joan
Location: Miami, Fla.
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 22:32:19
Hi, Joan- Alcoholic.
I am very new to this, 22 days sober... I have been attending meetings every 2-3 days.. but this is diffcult with my work and home schedule. I am glad to have found this on-line group. I don't get "it" yet. But it feels good to go to meetings and read everyones sharing on-line.
Take care I hope to chat again with you'll. I guess it is one day at a time.
Member: Joyce Anne
Location: Oregon, USA
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 23:25:36
Joyce here, I am an alcoholic,
Great topic! I became ready to quit drinking when the pain out weighted the pleasure. I was becoming increasingly physically ill with each round of drinking. The emotional state I was in was about the level of a thirteen year old. I guess you could say I got sick and tired.
I try to carry the message I found in AA by attending meetings, being there for the new person who may or who may not show up in need of help. But I sincerely believe that I am to carry the message of fellowship to each of God,s children, alcoholic or not. I owe so much to those few who took the time with me to teach me that this was not just about not drinking. It was a whole new way of life.
Thank all of you for your part in my sobriety,
Joyce Anne
Member: Camille C.
Location: New Tazewell, TN
Date: 09 Aug 1999
Time: 23:41:56
Hi, I'm Camille and I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. I'm 11 months clean & sober only by the Grace of God and all of you wonderful people in AA. My life has changed so drastically I'm amazed. I'm thankful to God for the many blessings and for answering every little prayer. AA loved me when I didn't love myself. I still have lots to learn but going to meetings, talking to my sponsor and progress not perfection has given me hope for a better life. My children are leaving tommorrow to go back and live with their dad for the school year. They live in New Mexico. God is taking care of them and giving me the chance to work my program and find out who I am. The pain is hard. I was travelling back home yesterday praying to God to help me hand this over to him. As I drove, my tears ceased and I remembered that earlier that day at a Speaker Meeting she said that when the load was heavy go to work. I'll make coffee, sweep floors or welcome a newcomer, whatever it takes. When I start feeling low I pray God remind me to get out of self, because all my isms seem to deter me from the loving blessings. Thank you for letting me babble.
Member: Maria C
Location: UK
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 00:38:14
Hi. My name is Maria and I am an alcoholic. I went through a rehab program back in May and I didn't drink for 1 month and I am back drinking again. At first, I tried to "moderate", what a joke! I totally got trashed on Saturday night and was puking my guts out the next morning. I was so mad at myself that I didn't come out of my room for 2 days. Then I got strep throat. I went to work thinking that if I hadn't drank so much I probably wouldn't be this sick. It has to do with my drinking. I kept thinking about it and thinking about it and decided to try and find a site on the web because I wanted to talk to someone that understands. I get so angry at my friends and coworkers because they say, Maria, 'you're not an alcoholic' and I try to tell them different but then I give in and drink with them because I think they are right, if I was an alcoholic, I would be drinking more often than I have been. I get drunk once a week and I think, that is way better than I did before. Well I have come to realize that moderation---drunk once a week---drunk 2-3 times---everyday, I don't want that so I am going to a meeting on Wednesday(the next available), until then, I will be on this site. Thanks for listening to my babble. I thank God for all of you. Glo, you really helped.
Member: James Lupp
Location: Montrose, Colorado
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 01:06:57
Hello, my name is James, real alcoholic/addict/liar/thief/cheat and lousy house painter. "Yawn" I had a similar experience with a spouse who brought up the very same issue. I argued for my right to go to meetings to "save my life" I took that wonerful viewpoint to the group and they suggested I read the chapter for the "family afterward" WITH my wife and the chapter to the wives. During the meeting, after I shared just how RIGHT I was, an oldtimer cornered me at the coffee pot, leaned way over and very quietly whispered, "You are spreading your disease!" I hated that man because he was so true. I love him because he took the time to tell me what I needed to know. AA has been making me mad for a long time too. Anybody can go to an AA meeting, but ya gotta know somebody to get into Al-anon! Love your wife, she helped save your life. I love you bro. And I overstepped some boundaries that I shouldn't have. Sue me. or E-mail me. anniel@ocinet.net My family and I suffered too long. I used to think the home was the hardest place to work this program. Which it is. Today it's the first place I need to work these steps. I can't be that AA Angel and a Home Devil. That's my experience. In the fellowship of the Spirit. James L.
Member: Sue J
Location: so. calif
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 01:27:28
Hi I'm Sue and I'm a grateful alcoholic This post is my humble experiance strength and hope for you Yawn. See if your wife has talked to her sponsor. Remember they are all ways our first line of defence on goofy thinking. Early in my sobriety (my first year) working my program took precdence over all but work (only enough to pay bills) and other emergencies I mean real 911 stuff. We didn't do many big family deals no vacations but I worked on REALLY being there for my kids and family. sobriety is not an excuse to not take care of them. Some choices I made were day meetings so I could tuck the little ones in at night. I put my truck up on blocks because I couldn't afford two cars and we scrimped on money to keep overtime to a minimum. Then sometimes family just expects you to be all better. Even I expected myself to be better right away. I have always liked the illustration of a fatal disease that the program is our medication no one would ask a loved one who suffered a heart attack that year to slake off on the excersize Or to skip there medicine. I personally could not surive for an extended period of time on one meeting a week. I am a single parent my kids are small. I work and hit 2-3 meetings a week plus this on line one. I make sacrafices in other areas to make family and AA #1. I haven't finished college,yet. I don't work overtime, I watched a movie on TV something like 2 weeks ago. remember sobriety first and every thing else will come. Sue
Member: Kathy O.
Location: Illinois
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 01:28:49
Hi everybody. My name is Kathy and I'm a grateful alcoholic. I knew I was an alcoholic when I found out I was pregnant and my first thought was, "oh God, now I can't drink for nine months." I thank God that I was in counseling and that my counselor was a member of A.A. He suggested that I could do something different than just not drink for nine months and arranged for a friend of his to call me to see if I wanted to go to a meeting with her. She did call and I met her outside that meeting and that meeting changed my life. All of a sudden I was surrounded by people happy and laughing and not drinking. I wanted what those people had and I stuck around.
I carry the message by showing up to meetings and doing what I can. I stay sober no matter what. When my son was born I gave him up for adoption and I stayed sober. I continued to show up and I let God do the rest. I don't break my anonymity very often anymore mostly because I don't get the chance, but I always remember that this is a program of attraction rather than promotion and I may be the only sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous someone has ever met and I try to act accordingly.Mostly, I show up at meetings and share and stay willing to do whatever God has in mind for me. Thanks-Kathy+:)
Member: matthew
Location:
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 01:32:36
i did not ask god for help. i did not say "i've had enough". i did not say "i must do something about my drinking". in fact, the day i had my last drink, i had no idea when i got up that morning that my first sober day had dawned. i was clueless. i had been "ready" for years, though my moment of clarity was quite unanticipated. an offer was made, and accepted without arguing , without rationalizing, or, (shockingly!!) "thinking" about it - so i can't say i knew i was ready.
pretty fancy way of saying "i was whipped", isn't it?
carrying the message to those i think might need to hear it? hahahahahahaha! i don't. why? because i remember how i was when i heard message other folks thought (correctly) i should hear.
if ASKED to carry the message, i do. this is the short version of the message i carry. my message is the same one that was carried to me when i was "ready" to do something about my drinking:
"there is hope. you never have to drink again"
i didn't drink today, and i have hope for tomorrow.
matthew
Member: Michael B.
Location: Arizona
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 01:54:33
Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alocholic, sober today only by the grace of God and the Fellowship. I add this last clause to remind myself that, alone, I am powerless over alcohol. I'm convinced that in order to stay sober using the tools of the Fellowship, we must hit bottom. I know that, as an alcoholic, I would still be out there drinking if I could still have fun doing it. Many AA's mention that the key to starting on the road to a life of sobriety is admitting we are powerless over alcohol. And while I won't deny that in the least, for me, admitting I was powerless over alcohol meant admitting that I needed help in order to stay sober. Thank God for AA.
Member: Jack B
Location:
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 03:47:32
Hi my name is Jack and I am an alcoholic.I would like to respond to John M as to how we knew when we were ready and how we carry the message.
The last person to know I was an alcoholic was me.I wasn't born an alcoholic, God didn't turn me into an alcoholic, I picked up that fatal first drink and I started a war, a war that got progressively worse.I paseed over that fine line from whatever kind of drinking you want to call it, control drinking, social drinking to full fledged alcoholic drinking.I don't have a casual realtionship with alcohol, I have an Alcoholic Relationship with alcohol.
Alcohol was never a problem in my life, in my sick way of viewing life, alcohol was the solution.It gave me that false courage that I needed so I thought to deal with life on Gods terms.
The US. Army told me that I had a problem with alcohol anf if I didn't accept the help they were offering then they were going to process me for elimination as an undesirable.
It wasn't until I was approximatel 7 months sober that I surrendered to the disease of alcoholism and asked God for help to remove the obsession to drinf.When I had to live without alcohol, make decisions without my coping skills of alcohol was when I truly admitted from the heart I was an alcoholic and please God remove this obsession to drink.
Stayed an active member of AA for about three years attending meetings on a regular basis but did not fully commit to the AA way of life, the 12 steps until my seventh year of sobriety.I found out that the fellowship has so much more to offer than just not drinking.I did not approve of the way I was living and came back into AA the 7th of July 1994, physically sober and hurting more inside than I ever hurt while I drank.
I celebrate three sobriety dates for myself, the first is the 23rd of November 1987, that is what I consider my physical sobriety date, the second anniversary date is the 7th of July 1994, that I refer to as the day the Spiritual Healing began, because it was on that day I mad a firm commitment to the 12 step program of AA by committing to the third step heart and soul and began to move on.Today thru the twelve step program I have found a way of life that is beyond belief.I have found something inside that tells me no matter what comes into my life today I don't have to drink over it and in spite of me it will work itaelf out thru God's amazing grace.The third anniversary date I celebrate is the most important, it is today.Today is all God has given me, no promises of tomorrow.
As far as carrying the message, the most important thing my sponsor taught me was that I need to remember that I am just a messenger of AA, I am not the author.I work exclusively with my home group, I am a firm believer the hope is in the individual, the help is in the group.I carry the message of hope as best I can to the newcomer who walks into the room for the first time, simply by having the coffee ready,greeting him/her at the door and making them feel welcome the way I was welcomed by this wonderful fellowship.Carrying the message to me is quite simply doing anything that I can to giveback what was so freely given to me.I will never ever be able to pay back in full what AA has done for me.Just sharing this little piece of my story is carrying the message of hope to someone who may be really not sure that the AA way of life is for them.Some people are just content with just not drinking, i thought that way also, today I have found just an inkling of what my sponsored meant when he talked about sobriety and beyond.
Thanks John M for bringing up this topic,It is another fabulous way for me to remember what it was like , what happened, and what its like now
Member: Jean-Claude T.
Location: Belgium
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 05:37:18
My name is JC and I’m an alcoholic.
Thanks John M. for the topics. I think I knew I was ready when I was so fed up and beaten by alcohol that I had the desire to try AA. For me it was the last option. Figure that out ALCOHOLICS Anonymous!!! I knew for many years I had a problem, but the word alcoholic was such a synonym of failure and wreckage I couldn’t afford to have somethin’ in common with those people. So I decided that day (why THAT day? I don’t know, God sure does) to pick up the phone and ring them. I met people who’ve been through what I was goin’ through, who had stopped drinkin’ and were glad about it and enjoyin’ life. Iwas no more alone and my life began to change ....
About helpin’ others (not askin’ for help), when I’m questionned about me drinkin’ water, I always reply I’ve drank enough alcohol and it only helped me to make a mess of my life. Some people then tell me they should do the same (for some time, maybe next week, month, year or century). I let them know what has been the solution for me and if they’re interested I’d be glad to take them to a meeting. Sometimes it work, most of the time it fails, but the seed is sown.
Thanks for letting me share. jc.toller@euronet.be
Member: John D.
Location: Taiwan
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 07:45:28
My name is John and I'm an alcoholic. I'm back to the program after a long time away. I've only been sober a short time, but I have the desire to get better. I hope my writing will reflect that over time. Until then, I’d appreciate your helping me share the message instead of my mess.
How did I know when I was "ready"? I've known I was ready for a long time. But still I was not ready enough. It's taken me a long time to get to this point. I'm taking some stock of what I've done. I hope I've done enough really be ready now. I know I've done enough to others. I know I need to take a complete stock. I think I’m ready for that. I hope I can forgive myself.
Many, many times I've told myself that "I've got to stop drinking". Each time I was ready, but only for a short time. Usually I'd not told it to anyone else. So it was easy to change my mind and still not be ready. Not that it made much difference the times I did promise it to others. I used to say I’d be ready next week or after my next birthday. Now I’m saying that I’m ready today; now: and that’s all that matters.
Today I am ready. But still I fear that I may not be ready enough. I pray that all my little ready's have added up to equal a moment of profound clarity like many of you have experienced. I have no objection to such a moment, but I don’t want to slip back into being not ready before it happens. I don't want to have to bottom out any more. I fear that I could. If I drink, I know that I would. I am ready not to drink today!
I've had many moments where I've been able to recognize a big change, a transition to spirituality from emptiness, a surrender and acceptance that I can not do it on my own, a willingness to turn my will over to a higher power. But it has not been total and complete for me. Each day I struggle. Each day I have to be ready over and over again. The miracle of AA makes me more ready.
My greatest concern is that I'll fail to maintain this program for myself. All I have to do is work this program and I know I'll be ready. All I have to do is take advantage of the faith I've been blessed with and I know I'll be ready. All I have to do is recognize, every day, that being an alcoholic has lead me to this program. I need this program to practice my faith. And when I practice this program I am ready. Without it I won't be ready any more.
I feel so inadequate when I try to let go; but it works. I feel so together when I take control; but it doesn't work. I pray to my god that I am truly ready; that the accumulation of all my false ready's will be enough to at least get me through another day. And today was a good day: not like every day.
I am so thankful that this program is here. I give praise. I know I couldn't find such peace on my own. But it only comes when I ask for your help and follow your will. God thank you for this program to show me the way.
How do I "carry the message to others"? Not very well I'm afraid. But I know I have to try.
Member: glo
Location: abq,nm
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 12:51:23
Glo again, still an alcoholic. To MARIA C. in UK---if you'd like to communicate one on one you can reach me at: gfrancis@eesus.jnj.com Please keep coming back, your "babble" helps keep me sober.
Member: glo
Location: abq, nm
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 12:55:26
Glo again, still an alcoholic. This may not be the appropriate place for this so I'll keep it simple. MARIA C. in UK, if you'd like to communicate one on one please post your email address and I WILL contact you. Since I post from work it would be inappropriate for me to post my email address here. Keep coming back, your "babbling" helps keep me sober. Thanks all for the indulgence of my personal message.
Member: helen
Location: cali
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 13:02:29
How did I know I was ready? I knew when all the alcohol and drugs in the world stopped working for me, I could no longer numb the pain...I was losing my mind, totally paranoid and wanted to die because the alcohol and drugs was not working anymore, but was too scared to kill myself...i had reached a total bottom, never felt lower in my life....I did not HAVE a life and new no other way of life as all of my family and friends were alcoholic also! I knew that I needed to change and was desperate for an "OUT"...I was totally unhappy, depressed, miserable and felt like a total loser.....so I called my brother who was in the program at the time and he guided me to my first meeting...I had gone to meetings with him in the past, to support him (ha..ha..ha...) but never for myself. I have been going to meetings ever since...I stay away from my family and have all new friends...my life is awesome today, thanks to my HP and meetings....today I HAVE a life and I owe it all to AA. I carry the message by sharing at meetings, chairing meetings, sponsoring and "attraction not promotion" as far as my family and old friends are concerned. They know that I am sober and word travels fast... so hopefully they too will come into the rooms of AA and it can change their life too! I have been sober for 4 years and 4 months, one day at a time and that is a true miracle, considering that I could not go 4 minutes before without some mood altering substance in my system..... Thank you for all of your support everybody! Keep coming back!
Member: Bonnie Z.
Location: PA
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 14:25:29
To John D. in Taiwan: I know I am double posting, but here goes-you do know how to carry the message, you just did it beautifully. Peace and love to you, and thanks.
Member: Rachael M.1
Location: St. Petersburg, FL
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 14:37:00
Hello, I'm an alcholic named Rachael. I did not know that I was ready when I got sober. I wasn't even 100% sure at that time that I was an alcholic. I was sure that I was completely insane though. I believe that God tricked me into my first meeting. It was at my second meeting that I introduced myself and stated that I was an alcholic. I only said it because that was how everyone else was introducing themselves, however after I said it outloud in front of a room full of strangers, something inside of me changed. I had always denied it before. I lost jobs and boyfriends and family members who all blamed it on my drinking and drug use. Doctors even told me about it and I denied it all. But that night for some reason (divine intervention) it all changed. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT SURRENDER IS SOMETHING THAT WE DO, IT IS JUST SOMETHING THAT OCCURS. I don't think that it is possible to tell someone how to give up or when they should be ready. It is my job however to give them hope that the day will come if they persist. The only way that I know how to persist in making surrender occur is to drink and drug enough. I sincerely believe in my heart that I have had enough. I know without a doubt today that I am as alcoholic as Bill and Bob were and I am in the right place. This program has worked miracles in my life. Thank all of you for my sobriety.
Member: JJ
Location: UK
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 14:52:40
I've been sober for nearly two weeks now. So I'm a real newcomer like Maria. I tried to do it on my own two years ago, with a little help from a treatment center, After the shock of the knowledge that I was an alcoholic, I decided I could control it anyway (everyone of my non-alcoholic friends could easily!) After two years of puking up in toilets and losing my will to live (again) I phoned AA. I've been to a few meeting since and am struck with the feeling that I've "come home" Don't get me wrong, sometimes I feel like the new girl, but everyone makes the effort if I approach them, and I'm learning that I must approach them, not think of myself always.
I had a particularly bad night two days ago, whilst in the middle of a meeting I began to get angry and went outside for a ciggy, the question "WHY ME?" kept coming up "What makes me a drunk?" "Why can't I be down the pub like everyone else?"
I still haven't found the answer, but the angers gone, I've resolved myself the fact that I can't drink, and haven't done today.
This 24 hours slice helps, if anyone out there can help me work thro' this feeling I'd be grateful.
I haven't spoken in any meeting yet as I'm too nervous, I used to take a drink to cope with that feeling too!
Thanks for letting me share.. JJ
Member: Chris
Location: orlando
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 15:14:57
Hi , Chris/ Alcoholic Addict/
This is my first on-line meeting. I am so greatful for you guys. I have not been able to
make many meetings in the last couple of years because of a physical condition. I just got a pc and found you guys...Thanks so much for your sharing!! It is saving my life!
Member: Pam G.
Location: CA
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 17:39:11
Hi. Im Pam and im an alcoholic. Thats the first time Ive ever said that. You see Ive been drinking pretty regular for about four years now. I hold down a full time job. Nobody knows that I drink. My co workers would never believe that I drank every night. The only people that know that are my family. Meaning my husband and kids. I want to stop so bad. Im so grateful I found this sight. I have never been to an AAmeeting. Im so scared. This is my first step. I would really like some feedback from all of you. I believe I can make it. I never drink during the day only at night. This is my first night not drinking. I have to do this for myself and for my family. Im killing myself. I want to be around for a long time. I want to see my kids grow and have familys of their own. Anyway thats my story. Youll be hearinf from me alot.
Member: Terri B
Location: Tn
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 20:12:30
Hi Pam. My name is Terri. I am a alcoholic also.First time on this site. I quit drinking so many times it scares me. I am a night drinker also,only my Husband knows I have a problem,and now I know. I quit again on sat. and tonight I had a drink. I feel so helpless sometimes because I wake up every morning and say "God, give me the strength not to drink today"..that works for a few days and then I look for a reason to drink. I have a problem with drinking. Thank God I found this site, now I hope I can get the support I need. My husband tells me he is rooting for me when I try to quit. Please dont get me wrong, he wants me to very much..but.. (I am not a race horse) He can drink or not. I guess what I am saying is he does not quite understand the pain and suffering that an alcoholic goes through. I hope to be able to visit this board everynight for the support I need. I want so badly to quit drinking, and like tonight, when I fail, I feel like I am not worth very much at all. I hope the God I can one day very soon be able to stay sober...for good.
Member: Andre
Location: Ontario, Canada
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 21:17:35
Hi Andre and am an alcoholic. By attending meetings at least once a week and sharing, I believe that I carry the message. I listen to what our fellows have to say and share my experience, strenght and weaknesses and hopes. My presence at meetings may help others that are also sharing. A handshake a kind word may raise the spirit of a feloow sufferer. For Terri, you made the first step admitting you are an alcoholic. By going to meetings, you will find that your bottom will be raised when you hear the stories of fellow alcoholics and find the grace to stay sober. May God help you. A sponsor might is a must if you want to learn to live sober. Have a happy 24, Andre
Member: Andre
Location: Ontario, Canada
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 21:17:56
Hi Andre and am an alcoholic. By attending meetings at least once a week and sharing, I believe that I carry the message. I listen to what our fellows have to say and share my experience, strenght and weaknesses and hopes. My presence at meetings may help others that are also sharing. A handshake a kind word may raise the spirit of a feloow sufferer. For Terri, you made the first step admitting you are an alcoholic. By going to meetings, you will find that your bottom will be raised when you hear the stories of fellow alcoholics and find the grace to stay sober. May God help you. A sponsor might be a must if you want to learn to live sober. Have a happy 24, Andre
Member: TerryB
Location: Tn
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 21:48:53
Thank you Andre...I needed someone to tell me I made the first and right choice...I need so much for support..:) this is my first night here and I have written twice...I just really need some people who know what I am going through..and some of it is not easy...I told my husband I came on this board...he said, "Oh good..I love you, but I have to go..." :) I dont think he really thinks I have a problem...He thinks I have a bad temper when I drink....any advise from anyone...I do have a problem and he wont see it...Help! Thanks all....
Member: Freddie
Location: Ontario
Date: 10 Aug 1999
Time: 23:22:16
Freddie,alcoholic here. Thanks for the topic John M. it's a good one. I've really enjoyed the comments I've read. Bob C. I watched my Mother fail at treatment centers and AA. I felt if it didn't work for her, it certainly wouldn't work for me. I watched her turn yellow, bloat up like a beached whale and die from chronic cirrosis(s/p?) of the liver (I was 19). I of course found myself following in her footsteps. What goes around comes around, but I think I got my strength from her and I broke the cycle. If AA was what I thought it was and what my Mother said it was, I wouldn't still be in AA. Bite the bullet and go to a meeting. If you don't like what you hear don't worry, go to another, eventually you'll hear something that will click. You'll be surprised at who you'll meet there and find you have alot in common with them. You need face to face contact.
Pam & Terri, are you my sisters? I too sat home drinking. My husband didn't seem to care either. I was a black out drinker and every night and day was a repeat, repeat, repeat. It took years of repeated daily behaviour before I finally found the clarity to do something about it. When I first came to AA, I came to meet friends who didn't drink. I thought that would help me. After my first meeting I thought why are they all smiling and what is so funny, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I found that I wanted what they have. So I decided to get sober for my kids. They deserved a real Mom, not a drunk. After a few months of sobriety, I realized that I need to do this for myself and that's what I'm doing just for today. You both need to get to a real meeting to meet people just like I mentioned to Bob C. During my alcoholic career, this type of carrying the message would have been my idea of getting sober, I'd also be seeing triple by now. I've just returned from a weekend with relatives who are big time drinkers (not taking their inventory) I just carry the message by example. Not one of them have asked me anything about AA, but I know they are amazed at my behaviour compared to when I drank and argued and fought as much as possible. I'm still online if you want to still talk. It's O.K. that you've had a drink Terri, that's what us alcoholics do best.
Member: case
Location: Sussex Cty, NJ
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 01:31:10
Hello room, and Hi, TerryB, thanks for posting. I often watch this board, but I am reluctant to post, so this is my first time. I don't "believe in my heart" that I have a problem, but I do know that it runs in my family, and that I have a tendency to behavior that some would call "moderate drinking." Of course, others would be reluctant to call it anything at all, and that is where I am, like the poster above whose friends pull her out to the bars: in the middle. If your husband is concerned about your behavior, then there are two reasons for that. Either he is right, or he may be wrong. Either way, he is only taking a stab in the dark, because, like you said, he just "doesn't understand" I find the same dichotomy in discussion with my wife--she just hasn't a clue what alcoholism means. I've seen it "up close and personal" which is the reason I came to this board. It might help him to chsck out a web-site that is sponsored by Al-Anon. I was thinking about this earlier in the week when the subject of Al-Anon came up, and I was wondering if anyone here knows of a kindred web-site sponsored by Al-Anon? TerryB, that may be a good introduction (for your husband) to the ideas you want him to entertain. I would be thankful if anyone can tell us about such a site, because I would like my wife to check it out and compare notes. I am sorry to have turned this into a chat-room; I hope I haven't done too much damage. God bless you all.
Member: Kitina
Location: Morgan Hill
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 02:08:26
Hi everyone! I'm Kitina, alcoholic/addict. Welcome to all the newcomers. You've come to the right place. If you have the desire to stop drinking, AA and the fellowship can definately help you. Without this program I would still be out there, in a jail cell, or dead. I shared on Sunday that my moment of clarity came the day that I decided I can't use or drink anymore. Thinking back about that day, almost two and a half years ago, the moment of clarity had to have come from a power greater than myself. All the times that I had tried to stop before failed. I guess I wasn't done. I had not reached a place that I was willing to give up the drugs and the alcohol and, most of all, the lifestyle that came along with it. I was afraid, afraid of being alone. All of my so called friends were using and drinking. If I was going to quit, we would have nothing in common. The times that I had quit before, these people disappeared from my life almost instantly. What would I possibly do with no friends or a group that I actually belonged to(of course I only belonged to this group because of the alcohol and drugs). But at the time I didn't believe that. All my life I felt like I didn't belong, and I didn't want to feel that way again. When I did have that moment of clarity that was so clear, I did not think about the life that I would be leaving behind. I did not think about the life ahead either. All I knew was that I didn't want to use or drink anymore. I was emotionall, spiritually, and physically bankrupt. The chemicals weren't covering up the feelings that I was hiding from anymore. My life was totally unmanageable and I was totally insane. They say that it happens when it happens. You get here when you get here. Just as long as you get here. I am here. By the grace of God, I haven't had to take a drink or a drug since I have gotten here. By going to meetings and listening to the newcomers, I know it is still the same out there. I feel their pain enough that I haven't had the desire to check things out "out there" again. The new life that I have been given because of this program is great. I am not saying that everything is great all of the time. I am saying that this program has taught me how to live life, how to be a mother, a wife, a good person. I can say today that I belong somewhere, to a fellowship of recovering alcoholics, that I would not give up for any amount of money. You people loved me until I could love myself, you accepted me until I could accept myself. I have a place to go where I am welcomed with open arms. Most of all a place to go where the people are just like me, have the same feelings, the same experiences, same hope, and most of all the same disease. For all this, I am truly grateful. For the Newcomers: You are in the right place. You might not hear anything you can relate to in your first, second, or maybe even third meeting. But you will hear something that will give you hope that you too can stay clean and sober for today, One Day At A Time. Keep Coming Back and thanx for letting me share.
Member: Michael B.
Location: Arizona
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 02:43:24
Greetings! And again, my name is Michael, and I am a recovering alcoholic, sober today only by the grace of God and the Fellowship. Regarding John M.'s inquiry into how we carry the message, I can say that, for me, it begins with not picking up the first drink today and then with whatever else I happen to do that conforms to and does not contradict the principles of the program. Early in sobriety, I saw carrying the message simply as any type of service work, so I busied myself with such things as making coffee, getting involved with the activities of the local treatment facilities committee, and sharing my experience, strength, and hope with other AA's. In the more recent years of my sobriety, carrying the message has come to include not only those activities just mentioned, but practicing the AA principles in all my affairs--in other words, outside of AA-bounded contexts as well. This has been very challenging, and some days I do better than other in these contexts, but, again, it's one day at a time, whether I have 24 hours or 24 years.
In any case, a vital component of carrying the message must be reaching out to the newcomer. So, for those of you who have been sharing your struggle concerning those first steps towards continuous sobriety, just take it one day (or one minute) at a time and try not to panic or project into the future the turmoil and confusion you may be experiencing right now. Today's emotional turmoil and sense of hopelessness will, sooner or later, pass, if you just don't pick up that first drink and use the spiritual tools of the AA program as much as you are able to, including getting to meetings and talking to other AA's. This is what worked for me during my first months of sobriety when I was feeling so depressed, hopeless, and preoccupied with an impending sense of doom (feelings which, luckily for me, I am still reminded of), and I believe this can work for you too, if you are willing to give the AA program a decent chance.
Member: Jo H
Location: Australia
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 08:32:02
Hi my name is Jo and I'm an alcoholic This is my first time at an on-line meeting.... I just got a new pc and AA was my first destination!!!! I would just like to say welcome to all the newcomers....and to tell you all that getting sober was the best thing that ever happened to me. My moment of clarity came about a year after my first AA meeting...I had been going to meetings sporadically but didn't really feel I had a problem with drink. One day I woke up and just knew I had had it....I still wasn't sure I really had a problem with drink, but I knew that I couln't go on living the way I was...that I didn't wan't to live this pathetic, dirty, lonely existance any longer...that I couldn't. Later that day I ended up in a treatment centre where I was detoxed and the disease of alcoholism was explained to me. I was also reintroduced to AA. I still didn't think I had that big a problem(denial??)but I wanted my life to get betterso badly...I would have done absolutely anything ...if I was told to jump of a bridge I would have done it... just so I didn't have to live in that hell anymore. So I thought I would do what these people in the treatment centre suggested and that was to not drink a day at a time and attend regular AA meetings....I just said O.K and did what they said, I surrendered (to win!!) It is nearly 4 years later and in that time I have not needed to take a drink or a drug. It (life) is not always "peaches'n'cream", I didn't stop drinking and then ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after like the movies... I had a life to live...amends to make, wreckage to clear, a lot of growing up to do (still do) but by being sober I have the opporunity to do those things , to clear the way for the good stuff to happen, to become the person I was always meant to be, to live my life with dignity and with love instead of fear..... as I said getting sober was the best thing that has ever happened to me...I love being straight, I love attending AA meetings and thanks to everyone for sharing their experience strength and hope with me God Bless
Member: C. Renee S
Location: Smoky Mtns, TN
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 09:26:03
Hi Group... my first time here... note we have a TN newcomer (Terri) among us. I'm in east TN... email me (sober@airforce.net)if you need to know where the live meetings are. I was a night-time, only-my-hubby-knows drinker too... until I got sober and people started commenting on how happy they were I had finally quit. Seems my great secret wasn't much of a secret... keep dropping in here and go to some live meetings... the people there will be mostly like you likely are... good folks who got to drinking a bit too much and couldn't stop. Some may have experienced consequences you haven't - like jail or being committed - but if you continued to drink you might very well end up experiencing those same consequences down the road. Alcoholism is a chronic and progressive illness like diabetes... it doesn't go away, requires consistent care to keep it under control and gets worse over time. If you find out you have diabetes and eat right, check your blood sugar and take your insulin, you likely won't have too much trouble with it... but if you ignore your diet, never check your blood sugar and only take the insulin when you're feeling bad, you will have problems. Now that you've figured out you have alcoholism, you need to give it that consistent care - like attending meetings (on-line is good, but you still need live meetings) and getting some of the basic literature like "Alcoholics Anonymous" and "The twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" to read. They are the guides for this new way to live - sort of "owner manuals" for alkie bodies & minds. Loving ya'll from afar,
Member: rapunzel
Location: right here
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 09:30:18
Rap, alcoholic. I've read some good stuff here. When I read JJ from UK's comments about getting angry and asking "why me?" I was reminded of doing the same thing early on. I spoke about it one night and after the meeting an oldtimer took me aside and told me it was perfectly natural for me to be angry; anger is one of the phases of grief and I was grieving the loss of a good friend, alcohol. It's okay to have the feelings, it's absolutely necessary to feel those feelings to be able to get past them as long as I don't drink while doing it. On another note, there have been those near and dear to me also that didn't believe I had a problem and I so wanted to believe them. But getting right down to it, what others believed didn't take away the pain and misery that festered inside me. Once I read "The Dr's Opinion" in the Big Book there was no longer any doubt in my mind what ailed me. This website is a wonderful addition to the program. To anyone out there who's only contact is this site, PLEASE get to a face to face meeting. Nothing can take the place of hearing the tone of voice or receiving a smile, getting a hug or sharing some tears, it's all part of being a part of. Peace for all!
Member: Pam G.
Location: CA
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 10:56:07
Hi everyone, Pam here. I am an alcoholic. Terri B. It was good to hear that I wasnt the only person that drank at home alone at night. When I did this I always had this feeling I was the only middle class mother with kids that was a drunk. Don`t get me wrong, i take care of my kids and my house and all of the "stuff" that goes with being a mother and wife. The difference was I was drunk every night. I didn`t drink last night and Im going for that goal tonight. I feel so much better the next day when i dont drink. I`ve had a perpetual hangover for four years now.
Freddie from ontario, it was good to read your comments also. I know Im not alone. Im really gratefull for this sight. Its good to just talk about what you are going thruogh. i know I need to get to a live meeting. Hopefully soon I will get the courage to do so.Ill be here everyday reading the comments so please keep encouraging me. Don`t give up on me.I know I can be successful
Member: André
Location: Ontario, Canada
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 13:14:02
Hi: Andre and am an alcoholic. I was suffering from depression and anxiety( still am sometimes if I stray from the program) and went to see a doctor to help me thru these sicknesses. He found out that everytime I got myself in trouble I had drunk. Gently that good doctor suggested that I go to an AA meeting. I did. I thought I would see a bunch of long hair drunks but to my surprise, most were clean cuts and look much better than I. I stayed with the program for two years before I finally became ready. I had taken three desire chips and had a hard time staying sobre for three months at a time.( I did not have a sponsor) But during that time I stopped Valium, which I had taken for 23 years. I stopped drinking 6 months after when my daughter became sick with anorexia. My daughter's doctor asked me if I binged. I said yes on weekends...I said that would not harm her and the doctor said don't you bet on it. That was my bottom. It has been nine years since I took my last drink and the obsession is long gone. My daughter is very well now. And her comment to me was "Dad you are so much positive since you join AA" She came to my fifth anniversary and I could see the pride and love she had for me. I think that joining AA, practicing the program to the best of my ability, having a sponsor and most of all attending meetings kept me sobre and growing one day at a time. Pam and Terri I would encourage you to call AA( see in yellow pages) and find where a meeting is held in your area. State that this is your first meeting and you will feel the flow of love and welcome coming from the fellowship May God lead your path. Your children and whole family will also benefit from the program thru your practicing the twelve step. Have a happy 24 hrs. André
Member: Erica S
Location: Racine, WI
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 13:48:09
Hi my names Erica Im an alcoholic/addict...... I dont understand how this meetings thing works....
Member: MaryJ
Location: Seattle
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 13:52:31
Hi, I'm Mary and an alcoholic. I can relate to Pam. People did not know how much I drank, because I would only have a glass or two at a social event and then go home and finish a bottle. The people who knew were my family and my cats. By family, I mean my brothers and sisters and nephews and mom when I went to visit them and drink a bottle there.
When did I know I was ready? I think when I realized that what I was doing was killing me - physically, spiritually, emotionally. I'm not sure I had a clarifying moment, but maybe that is the hand of God leading to that decision.
Pam and Teri, go to an AA meeting or go to your doctor or go to someone you can trust to talk about this with. AA does offer you the anonymity and that may be the best thing to do.
Member: helen l
Location: cali
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 15:23:56
Pam and Terri: Go to a meeting and get phone numbers. When I want to drink, I call someone and usually it passes when I talk to someone in the program. We cannot do this thing alone, we need the support of other alcoholics, and need to be around other alcoholics.... people will welcome you into the rooms.... the newcomer is the most important person in the meeting... you'll see. You have taken the first step and that takes ALOT of COURAGE...!!! Welcome!!! Go to meetings and get phone numbers......
Member: glo
Location: abq
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 17:29:20
ERICA S. in WI, the easiest way to find out how this "meeting thing" works is to call the AA Central Office in your area and speak to someone there. They will be able to answer any additional questions you may have. It is listed in the phonebook under Alcoholics Anonymous. Remember, it is anonymous and nobody needs to know you made the phone call if that is something that is concerning to you. Good Luck!
Member: JJ
Location: UK
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 17:30:41
I,m JJ and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for the insight rapunzal. The drink really is a friend and one that I daily am learning to live without.
I have just come back from a meeting and it felt good to be around those who were exactly like me: their honesty always astounds, me I thought I was the only one who felt like this, the self loathing, crying, feeling ashamed and oh so guilty. I couldn't carry on.
Other people didn't know how I felt, only my husband, and I couldn't really relate to him, he wasn't an alcoholic and although he's been very supportive, I'm sure he thinks this will be one of those latest "trys".
Its taken a long dark, lonely road to get here, with many a relapse. I didnt think of anyone or anything. I have two lovely children and a home but all I wanted to do was die. I felt it would be better for them and me if they didnt know what a horrible nasty mother they had. I took a load of pills one terrible drunken night, and by the grace of God survived. I ended up in a mental hospital and was pumped full of pills to detox and told not to drink again. The fear of that kept me on the straight and narrow for 4 months, then I thought, I could control it, and I could, for a few weeks, then came to the night I couldn't and then another and another, and now here I am attending several meetings a week.
Thanks for your help everyone. Its nice to know I'm really not alone and that you are on my side. I cant strongly recommend attending these meetings. Someone said tonight, here is were you learn to live; in these meetings.....
Member: Pam G
Location: CA
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 18:03:37
Hi Pam here. Im an alcoholic. Andre, Mary, and Helen thanks for your encouragement. I already feel better just reading your reponses to me. There are actially people out there going through or have gone through what I am.Im trying to get enough courage to call my local AA. It will be a big step for me. I don`t know if my husband will even understand. Hes a wonderful man and he wants to "cut back" on drinking but I don`t think he thinks I have a problem. Anyway thanks for the support and keep talking to me.
Member: Karen V.
Location: Racine, WI
Date: 11 Aug 1999
Time: 19:56:55
Hi, Karen, alcoholic. I am having trouble finding that spirituality that is vital to this program. I've tried praying, morning meditation and talking to others about a higher power. I've tried reading the bible and have thought about returning to church. But I really think that spirituality has to come from within, some kind of understanding of God. However I haven't given up - I will continue to read and pray and wait for the miracle to happen.
Member: Rick S.
Location: Boulder City NV
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 00:07:28
my name is Rick and i am still an alcoholic. welcom to the new comers if you are here don't look at it as a sign of weakness but a sign of good judgement (for a change) We all got here the same way. There are usually one of two reasons we get here: 1. our lives are so f###ed up that we decide we need to change something. or 2. our lives are so f###ed up some one else decides we need to change something. Either way the common denominator is the same. As this disease has shown in so many people the only way we stay sober for any lenght of time is by talking with others like us. We find out how to Trust in God, clean house, and be of Service to others. and we do this one day at a time. When i first got sober i had to ask God "please remove this obsession from my mind and body" sometimes i asked every 2 minutes, sometimes only once a day, but i had to keep asking. I do not remember when i stopped asking, it just happened. I carry the message by trying to help others as much as possible, mainly by walking what i talk and being an example of AA. For the two gals Pam & Terri - you need to look at your LIFE habits and ask God to help you change them just as you asked him to stop drinking. You hide in your homes to drink and think nobody knows. So when it comes to getting sober you hide in this site and hope to get sober with nobody knowing. Trust me someone knows! Get out to a live meeting and talk with others...as much as you would like to think that you are unique...you are not. I had to make sobriety my number one priority in life, not for a few minutes each day but for 24 hours a day 365 days a year. that has not changed in 7 1/2 years. God bless...and you can make it but you have to follow the suggestions you get from those who have gone before you.
Member: Michael B
Location: Arizona
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 00:20:04
Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alcoholic, sober today only by the grace of God and the Fellowship. Regarding Karen's comments about not grasping the spirituality of the AA program, I, too, am familiar with that dilemma. After having many months of sobriety using the AA program, I remember being at a meeting where the topic was "spirituality" and asking what is "spirituality." I knew about the Bible, the Koran, Catholicism, Protestantism, goint to church, etc., but I didn't have any idea what spirituality was all about. But as usual, the advice I remember was don't drink, go to meetings, and practice the Steps. Today, many years later I can say that "spirituality" is as real as the keyboard I'm typing on or the computer moniter I'm looking at. Karen is right: it is an inside job, something that can be better experienced than described. But again, and as usual, it's just a matter of having patience and acting on the suggestions offered by other AA's, such as sponsors.
Member: Dee T
Location: Newberry, MI
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 00:56:18
Hello my name is Dee and I'm and alcoholic and I need a meeting. This is the first time on line for me. Boy my spirituality didn't come at one moment. It is something that developed over time, and many meetings. Today I am so grateful for the AA program and the people in the rooms. My husband dropped dead from a heartattack on July 14, 1999 and if it weren't for the AA program I would not be where I am today. Going to any lenght to stay sober and find people that I can lean on in my hour of need. It is the spirituality that I learned about in AA that allows me to do what I am doing today. Living in the now, taking care of what needs to be taken care of now. Thanks for being there, and I am certainly glad that I have a meeting to go to when I need one.
Member: JJ
Location: UK
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 05:07:43
My names JJ and Im an alcoholic
Dee I,m sorry to hear about your husband. Keep using the contacts you have found though us and the AA meetings, we all need that strength sometimes. How are you feeling today?
My spirituality is something that I cant quite grasp at the moment, though I found myself grinning for no reason yesterday. I actually felt calm and content.
Someone at a recent meeting said their Higher Power came to them by getting them to their first meeting. I guess theres something in that. We all had the desire to quit and something, somewhere gave us the strength.
Keep yourself busy and live for today. One day at a time.
JJ
Member: Albuquerque John
Location: Scotland (today)
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 08:37:26
Hi! I am truly grateful for another day!
Many years ago it wasn’t like that. In fact it felt as if I just wanted to hide from the world. I feel I want to share something I have been thinking about a lot since I have been in Europe.
I had a few problems in my early days when I joined the Programme of Recovery. I thought I knew all about what this deal entailed. See I was wanting to do Step 4 and get it over with – the Step everybody was talking about – and then be recovered. My sponsor told me “you’re not ready to do a Step 4”. I honestly felt at the time I was. Thank God today I know different. My sponsor even suggested that I hadn’t joined AA – I had a lot of resentment about this. I remember him saying “you’re still holding on to your old ideas”. I was unaware at the time I was leaning on him for a solution to all my problems.
One day he pulled me aside and asked why are you always phoning me late at night for an answer to something you are in charge of? See what he was saying was that I had not yet done Step 3. I was still holding on to a fear of letting go things I thought were important. I had problems with money, employment and the opposite sex – areas that I didn’t think my HP was interested in!
I know today how important a juncture that point in my recovery was. That’s the point where my life changed dramatically. That’s the step that is so very important. The step where I realised that if I am holding on to something then I am not open for something to replace it! See I even had a fear that my HP would not actually know what my needs were in these areas! Boy was I in for a shock!
Within one week the employment answer came along with the answer to money needs – and in the third area I stopped looking for the lush that never was. She was only a figment of my imagination!
Thank God today I don’t have the pressure or obsession that somehow I will find the solution to my problems in people places and things. Every answer I need for any problem that my alcoholic head might want to create is in the Big Book.
Member: Pam G
Location: CA
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 11:09:02
Hi all Pam here, Im an alcoholic. I called my local Aa yesterday to find out where and when the meetings were. They are in different locations in my town. Now the next step is actually going to one. Im really scared about seeing someone i know. Ive kept my drinking a secret so long I don`t want anybody to know. Does that sound crazy? Anyway I made the first step. Pray that I will go the other "12"
Member: Gordon
Location: Here
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 11:18:28
Hi, I’m Gordon and I’m an alcoholic. To my fellow newcomers: like so many, I too was an evening and weekend only drinker, drinking just enough to maintain a good buzz whenever I was at home and could convince myself it was ok. Which, of course, was every day! (It doesn’t take a lot of convincing, as you know.) My drinking didn’t affect my life enough to have a get in the way of a successful career and family life and I never had a DUI. Although I was often depressed and a little cranky when I wasn’t drinking, I told myself, “Sure I drink more than others, but so what? I’m not hurting anyone and I’m actually more friendly and outgoing when I drink.” (which is true, most of the time). Still, I knew that things weren’t right. There was emptiness inside that only alcohol could fill. I knew for some time that, for me, the jig was just about up, since life as I was living it wasn’t really what living is supposed to be about.
I found this site about a month ago, knew I was in the right place and attended my first face-to-face meeting a week later. Scariest thing I’ve done in a long time. I drank to isolate because when it’s just me and my alcohol, then I feel that I’m o.k. as a person. Without the alcohol, I never really felt o.k. So, walking into that meeting was a doubly bad. First, by appearing publicly at a meeting with a bunch of skid row drunks (my pre-conceived idea, which was wrong, of course), I was admitting that I was a failure just like them (wrong!). Second, I had to actually interact with other people without alcohol, which I’ve learned to do very well superficially, but always with large amount of stress and pain as I try to measure up—and, in my eyes, always fail.
I’ve been to several meetings since and they’re having a huge and powerful effect on my life far beyond helping me stay sober. The last meeting I attended was one of the most emotionally enriching times in my entire life. I heard other people outwardly talking about the pain, torment and struggle they are dealing with in their life (and not just with alcohol) and knowing that, were it me talking, I would be saying exactly the same thing! I’m not alone! I’m a grown up middle-age guy and I felt like bawling and hugging all these other grown up people that were obviously in so much pain. There’re many more positives, but you need to go to a meeting to find out what they are :-)
I’ve taken more than my share of space, but one brief bit of advice on the spirituality issue that so many newcomers (myself included) struggle with: set it aside for now. I’ve always described myself as agnostic (i.e too gutless to commit one way or the other:-) ) and thought that all this God stuff that AA talks about would get in the way. It doesn’t. There are others in the program feel the same way. Go to meetings, feel the strength and support from others just like you (at least with regard to alcohol) and use that to help you stay sober. Deal with the spirituality issues later—if you find they’re still issues. They no longer are to me. Have a wonderful, sober, 24 hours!
Member: Erica S
Location: Racine, WI
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 11:45:12
Im erica alcoholic/addict.....
Karen V..... for one you have to do some inner searching..... reading the bible is like reading a book...... do you believe what you read or do you take it in a novel..... in step three it says "became willing to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understand him" .....that means it may not be the god spoken of in the bible......its what you feel you can rely on and trust.....one thatyou can turn everything over and let go...... when you pray you have to believe that there is something or someone listening to your prayers..... the easiest way is to try and let go and see what happens...
Glo......Im not talking about regular live meetings....Im talking about these cyber meetings.....Im very aware of how actual meetings work.....but thanks for the advice maybe someone who comes in here can use it...
Member: Deb F.
Location: Ma.
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 12:06:25
Please remind me that every day I'm sober is a good day - sometimes I get so stuck in today's annoyance that I forget how bad it use to be. Thank you for mentioning spirituality - I cant find out anything if I don't start looking. Spirituality, for me, begins with getting on my knees each morning. It's a gesture of surrender, like opening a clenched fist, I often have to let go (of some thought; resentment; desire) before I can receive something better. Difficult to do when I think I'm sacrificing or settling for less.......trusting my Higher Power has been slow for me. I am struggling with how to connect with a Higher Power while feeing good about myself. I seem to connect to a Higher Power by crying out my inadequacies and asking for strength. In self pity and self hate I beg for a Higher Power's attention like a 2 yr. old's demanding tantrum (oh, how God works when I recognize my behavior in someone else!) Knowing that low self-esteem and guilt is really ego (in reverse) isn't helping me act or think differently. I've had plently of external achievements - all accomplished in fear while praying for God's strength.
I'm afraid if I feel okay as I am I'll start ignoring my Higher Power and my ego will kick in and take me for a ride.
This defect surfaces even in AA - with some decent sobriety (and 2 fifth steps, etc) I still put people on pedestals while holding tight to my insecurities. Humility....being right sized...is a big part of living life (on life's terms)..and I've only found the answer in AA. Hope I don't write in circles. I could use acouple more meetings.
Member: Vernon D.
Location: C.C., Tx.
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 15:25:43
HI Y'all my name is Vernon And I am an alcoholic. From my reading of a few posts I gathered that the topic is spirituality. All I know is that I have been to HELL and I do not want to go back, that is why I try to practice and live the new wayof life that has been given to me through the fellowship and program of A.A. to me spirituality is the sense of peace nad calmness I feel sometimes when I wake up(not coming to) and clear my mind and ask GOD to direct my thinking and guide me in helping another alcoholic that is suffering. When i can do that my life is so much more uncomplicated. Let Go and let GOD is a good start on being spiritual.
Peace Vernon D C.C., Tx.
Member: Jane H.
Location: U.S.A.
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 19:27:28
Hi
All I want to know is....why does it seem like everyone else can stop drinking forever & I can't? I don't drink EVERY day, but if I go more than say, 3 days, and I think I can do it this time, I always end up buying that booze again, even as the "voice" in my head is saying "Don't do it!" Then I get drunk, think everything's OK, turn into a different, "crazy" person, wake up sick, sometimes to the point of missing work, tell myself this is the LAST time and I've learned my lesson THIS time! Then 2,3,4 days go by, I forget and do it all over again! I'm so sick of myself!!!! Why do I want to drink alcohol so bad when it's poison to me and i know it? I've been like this for about 3 years, gone to AA off & on, but I just can't STOP! Why?
Member: Cate H
Location: Ch-Ch New Zealand
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 19:30:18
Hi - my name's Cate and I am an alcoholic. I'm sitting here reading all your enlightening thoughts and thinking how great it is to be in a fellowship that can be connected so spiritually through the internet. This is definitely another spiritual experience for me. I live way down yonder in New Zealand, which for those of you who don't know isn't far from Australia. I have been a member of AA for 20 months now, and almost pinch myself daily for the second chance I have been given at life. I tried to "do it by myself" for 20 years, thinking I knew what I was doing - I was in control - I survived treatment programs by not being honest, I was too scared to stop drinking I couldn't function without alcohol. I was READY when my disease tried to take my life, and but for the grace of God it would have succeeded. AA's teaching me how to live life on a daily basis, how to love myself and others. I just wanted to say hello and to thank you all for being there seemingly so far away but in reality so close, that's the wonderment of the fellowship !!!!
Member: Jan K
Location: Australia
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 21:08:14
Hi - Jan K, alcoholic, and almost 4 wks sober for the first time in 10 years.
My dawning moment came about 4.00am - I had run out of alcohol and was unable to sleep. So many anxious thoughts going around and spinning in my head. I thought to "solve" all my problems (the usual of debt, loss of friends, work) I should just kill myself.
It then occurred to me that by rights I should've already come to a sticky end, but here I was still alive anyway, so perhaps the Big Man Upstairs still had a purpose for me down here. I asked for help and turned myself over, then picked up the phone to talk to someone on an Emergency Line and get the address of the earliest possible AA mtg in my area.
To Bob C, Pam G & others reading these pages, this is what I did from that call until the meeting opened - found these pages and read and cried. I was SO nervous, I thought my head would explode, but was greeted with nothing but kindness, handshakes and other woman who lived in my area giving me their numbers in case I needed to talk. (Doesn't kindness just make you want to cry even more!!). So you read these pages until you feel comfortable and then go a real live meeting. It will be such a relief for you to meet people who definitely know what you're going through, but who still meet your eyes not with disgust, but with understanding and a real desire to help you.
Thank you all for sharing your stories & thanks to AA.
Member: Jobar C
Location: Texas
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 21:27:48
Jobar in Big Texas finally found this group and plan on stayiny in touch.Jobar
Member: Nan D
Location:
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 21:44:24
Nan D here, alcoholic. Thank you to Pam and Terri for sharing -- there seem to be an awful lot of us that are drinking and thinking that no one else like us behaves like us. I too really want to stop and am glad I found this site. I don't know if I have the courage to go to a live meeting, I feel like this will be helping me to start myself on the right path. From what I've read here you're all wonderfully supportive, especially for newcomers and I'm grateful. Knowing that I had to quit happened when I realized that any one of these days, God could take away my children for something stupid I did or said. Not that I would harm them but perhaps I'd be so out of it that I wouldn't be able to respond to them if they needed me. I know that I must turn my life over to God, I knew that before I visited this site, and I can do it for the most part. The hardest part of my life to turn over to God is the part when I've become so frustrated that I just want to drink. So I have to keep some kind of phrase in my mind to get me past wanting that first drink. I know that I can accomplish my goal of counting days - weeks - months ---with support. And with realizinhg that I must turn each and every day and minute over to the Lord so that He can take control instead of me thinking I can take control and screwing it up. I hope that by visiting this site I'll feel supported, because there isn't a whole lot in this house. I'm sure my kids would be extremely proud of me for quitting drinking, but I also know that words of encouragement and support will not be flowing from their mouths on a daily basis. Looks like there's a lot of support here, though, and many times I know I just need a few words to help me out. Thanks for letting me share. Please keep supporting us newcomers and cheer us on. I'm going to start counting my days today -- this is 1. thank you so much for having this site available.
Member: ED G.
Location: S.D.
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 22:40:20
Member: Steve F.
Location: Wenham, Massachusetts USA
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 22:40:39
My name is Steve. I'm an alcoholic.
Hi to Jane H. I wouldn't worry about what other people are doing. Not everyone who tries gets sober, or stays sober "forever." I once drank exactly as you described. In AA, I'm learning to stay sober one day at a time. It has worked for me so far, for almost 6 months. I have found that regular attendance at AA meetings helps me too. I go 3 or 4 times a week, I listen, and I do what is suggested, because that seems to work for me. I know people in AA who go to meetings 3 or 4 times a day, because that's what they need to do. They have a willingness to do whatever it takes to stay sober.
Member: Robin
Location: East COAST
Date: 12 Aug 1999
Time: 23:14:41
I am thrilled to find this site.....thank you!I have been sober for 14 years and credit my spiritual awakening on Big Book Step Study meetings I have been attending over the last two+ years.We practice the same principles as the first 100 members of a.a. It has saved my life and sobriety.I now have an experience of not believing in God,but trusting and relying on God.That experience has given me the chance to know the promises and live them in my life.For this I will always be grateful. Thanks for the chance to live again. Robin
Member: Fred P.
Location: Latham, NY
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 00:29:05
I've had a hundred 'moments of clarity. The only trouble was that they each only lasted a moment, and then things didn't seem so clear anymore. Meetings keep things clear for me. It is only in the rooms where I hear the truth about alcohol - cunning, baffling, and powerful. And my disease wants me dead.
Member: LIONEL.C
Location: Campbelltown.Australia
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 05:33:03
Hi my name is Lionel I'm an alcoholic and how I knew I was ready .Well in the begining I guess I did'nt know I was to sick to know how sick I was.But thankfully there was someone who knew I was ready I believe that was God whom I was'nt to close to at the time.Like alot of other people I reach a piont of being sick and tired of being sick and tired and for the last years of my drinking i just wanted to die. I was an empty shell and reality was something I new nothing about.I also reached a point where I did'nt know how to live or I did'nt know how to die.Thankyou for this GOD given program because if there was a time I became ready it was while I WAS IN A REHAB and this girl who was there with me shared one night and said she felt like a square peg in a round hole and for the first time in mylife I identified with another human being,for thats how I felt all my life I did'nt seem to fit in anywhere.But I fit into this program because I;m with people who know all about me .I no longer wait for that spaceship to come and get me .Ive found my tribe.HOw I try to carry the message is by staying sober a day at a time.By just being sober at work or by just walking down the street sober people who knew me can see the difference.I share at meetings when ask and listen to others.I try to be tere when anyone anywhere reachess out for help,like others done for me. To me this program is god given and the only way I can keep it is to give it away.I don't know if I shared on the topic but i'm only new,cant wait to read more of your experience strength and hope .Need you all in recovery. Lionel
Member: Fiona
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 07:12:16
This is the first time I've been to a meeting on-line. Thanks for all your sharing. I am not really grateful for being an alcoholic, but I am grateful for my sobriety. Thanks to the 12 Step programme my life is totally different today than it was 7 years ago. I came into this programme sick in body, mind and spirit. It has taken a lot of hard work to make the changes I have made. Sometimes I feel fed up because there is still so much work to be done. But I believe that whether you have an addiction or not, life is about growth and change - we are so very lucky to have this wonderful Fellowship which gives us so many gifts and support from other like-minded people in making the changes that we need to make in order to come into our fullest state of being. Where do the non-alkies have to go??
Right now I am doing a lot of spiritual work, e.g. writing out affirmations, praying, reading and developing my spirituality - my focus is not so much on "not drinking" now, after 7 years of sobriety - I'm not doing so many AA meetings these days because I wasn't getting what I needed from the meetings, and not really enjoying being there. However, don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer in attending meetings (otherwise you can't really be working the 12 Step programme because it's about unity and fellowship) so I go to one a week regularly, and now that I'm on-line, well I might end up doing more than that!! I would definitely recommend to anyone who is new, and even those with a few years sobriety, that you do more than one meeting a week - we need to hear the AA principles over and over on a regular basis so we can start replacing our negative thinking with these new and powerful ideas. Here in NZ they recommend "90 meetings in 90 days" when you are new in. Not a bad idea if you can get to a meeting a day. Don't be afraid to pick up that phone and call another recovering alkie, even if you don't know that person - we who have been around for a little while KNOW that we are responsible and I think it would be rare to find an AA who wasn't willing to listen and support someone who is asking for a shoulder to lean on... Get a sponsor and start doing service - just helping set up the meeting or washing cups is a great start (and it keeps you coming back). Well, my love to all of you. Keep coming back.
Member: Angel
Location: NJ
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 07:29:27
This is my first time here but I really hope it wouldn't be my last. My name is Angel and I am an alcoholic/addict. Before my last drink, I had been to AA, detox, and all those other things and never stayed sober. To me I had no purpose. I was young and young adults drink. But until one day this magical feeling came over me and I decided this was it. Jan. 10, 1988 that magical day that for me changed my life -- the decision to stop drinking and using. Why did it finally happen? because I found a friend in God. Corny ha but it's true. Everything after that changed. the way I acted,the way I thought everything. I know today that I am a better person for that. Better for my family, better for those around me and must importantly, Better for me!!!
Member: Merv. D.
Location: North Bay (Canada
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 09:56:08
SPIRITUALITY: I'M Merv a recovering Alcoholic
My thoughts on this subject are as follows. The word RELIGION means a form of worship and belief and The word SPIRITUAL means a state of mind. This A.A. program turn our negative state of mind into a posative one. Therefore our way of living becomes posative. What a wonderful happening, it doesn't happen all at once, it comes gradually as this posative thinking is a new way of life and will last the rest of our life if we work at it and want it.
Thanks to Gordon from Here for sharing, keep up the good work and I am sure that your Spirituality will become a a Posative state of mind for you.
Thanks for the oportunity to share.
Merv
Member: Bill
Location: Washington
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 11:02:04
Good topic that I can relate to today. After reading and participating in the group discussions the last few months I have been out of town on business for a few weeks. It is good to be back. Although I had negatives situations arising from alcohol usage in the past my thick head didn't tell me to quit using until I was forced to by the law. Although I was not a frequent heavy user nor a daily user I had the innate ability to overuse on occassion. This warning signal was not answered until the state patrol came calling one night. Since my DUI I realize I was missing out on more important things in my life. I do miss the occassional party but the last 1 1/2 years have been good for me and simplified my life and relationships in some ways. I should have listened to the subtle warning signs long ago.
Member: Carol A
Location: Mesquite, Nevada
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 13:22:25
Hello, I'm an alcoholic, my name is Carol. I say this in this order because I know my name...I don't ever want to forget I'm an alcoholic. Spirituality is a progressive thing I have come to find in AA. It comes in many ways. That moment of realizing I would live drunk and all that territory which is included with that....for me, was my first moment of a spiritual thought....certainly from a Higher Power's influence. One stands out that I hope will help someone here is...about three or four yrs. sober. Doctor told me to go from contacts to glasses. I came home that day and my friend ran up to me to see the new bifocials I had on. I gently pushed her back from me because her face was blurred. I saw in my minds eye....as a child my mother doing the same thing. She was not rejecting me. She simply was wearing bifocials. Was this an awaking or what? The sense of "Alcoholics Anonomymous" and our "Fellowship" permiated my inner self. I have been sober one day at a time since July 1, 1984. This is my first on line discussion topic meeting. Thank you all for making a twelve step call on me. I'll be back.
Member: andy mac
Location: somerset,pa.
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 13:39:57
What really helped me in the program was the program itself,I acquired aspirituality by working the steps and being involved in the program,as the man said God created time so everything wouldn't happen at once,don't get hung up on spirituality it will come in due time,as for the person who is afraid of attending af2fbecause someone she knows might be there that better than walking in and not knowing anyone, really when you come down to it does it really matter to a cancer patient who is going for a chemo. treatment if someone is there that he or she might know,I think not,the winners in this program live and the losers die.
Member: andy mac
Location: somerset,pa.
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 13:41:58
What really helped me in the program was the program itself,I acquired aspirituality by working the steps and being involved in the program,as the man said God created time so everything wouldn't happen at once,don't get hung up on spirituality it will come in due time,as for the person who is afraid of attending af2fbecause someone she knows might be there that better than walking in and not knowing anyone, really when you come down to it does it really matter to a cancer patient who is going for a chemo. treatment if someone is there that he or she might know,I think not,the winners in this program live and the losers die.
Member: Janice
Location: California
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 14:55:12
Good Morning, My name is Janice and I am an Alcoholic. I believe that I have been an alcoholic since the very first time I had a drink, but for the reason, only other alcoholics can understand, I kept trying to "Make Sure I was Really an Alcoholic". Well, I finally prooved it to myself beyond a doubt. Up until about 6 weeks ago, I had 4 1/2 years of Sobriety. I had stopped going to meetings approximately 2 years ago because of the demands on me by others. (reference to those of you who have spouses who are resenting your time spent going to meetings). For 2 years I was able to remain sober on my own, although in hind sight, the alcoholic "behavior" returned long before I had the first swig of my relapse. I cannot tell you how or why I had that drink, and those to follow, but I do believe that had I lloked out for me, and what I knew was in my best interest (attending meetings), I would not be asking myself how I let 4 1/2 years of sobriety go, today. Much to my own shock, I returned to the program 5 days ago....I never thought I would have the strength and courage to come back and admit that I had relapsed. I can only attribute this astounding act of humility to a higher power. A higher Power whom I hope never to slip away from again. To those of you other newcomers who are reluctant/afraid to attend a live meeting for fear of seeing someone you know, I can wholeheartedly identify. Just remember, the people you will see and meet in those rooms have had some of the very same experiences and suffered the same hopelessness that you are feeling now. There is no judgement, only compassion and helping hands. Thank you for welcoming me back. ~Jani
Member: Jen P.
Location: Eastern PA
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 15:25:41
Jen here -grateful recovering alcoholic. Janice, I was so moveds by your honest sharing. You have helped me more than you know. I am so glad you came back. Thamks for sharing your experience with us. Welcome back!! That's some great Higher Power huh? He is always there with us. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: ROB R.
Location: B.C. CANADA.
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 15:50:12
Greetings dear friends.Im Rob a greatfull recovering Alcoholic.Thank you for sharing your experience, strength,and hope. Without you there would be no spirituallity. After all isnt that how this thing works?
Member: Patt
Location: Oregon
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 15:55:18
Hi, everyone, Patt, grateful recovering alcoholic here. Thank you to all who have shared on this subject of "when we knew we were alcoholic," and particularly to those who have shared their pain of going out and returning, of being so scared of going to a meeting, etc.--blessings on all of you. We are all at this site, and everywhere across the world, at some stage of our disease (which is cunning, baffling, powerful and PATIENT), but the only thing each of us does have is TODAY if we don't pick up that drink or use any of that other stuff.
My realization of the depth of my disease was when I was lying in bed one night feeling the sudden, dull pain of my liver acting up. My God, it scared me to death and I knew that in the morning I would take my psychiatrist's advice and get myself into a recovery house. Now, they say you can't frighten an alcoholic into sobriety, but that was certainly enough to get my feet moving in the right direction. Pain of any sort requires an alleviation, in my book, and I'd been "alleviating" it with alcohol for a long time. Today I find that AA is the medicine that I take voluntarily for this disease, and, by golly, it works.
If you're new and are having trouble finding a meeting in your area, I've done this in traveling all over the place: Call the local hospital emergency room (in Canada the dispatcher was in the PROGRAM!!) or the police department, or even churches can often help. And so what if you see someone you know--you're seeing THEM, too, aren't you? No one's going to break your anonymity and believe me, going to meetings is the greatest blessing of all. Just keep coming back.
For me, the message of this program is in the words of Dr. Bob: "Trust God, clean house, help others."
Thanks for letting me share.
Patt
Member: KRISTEN P.
Location: POMONA, CA.
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 16:05:39
HI - MY NAME IS KRISTEN AND I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I COULDN'T REALLY PICK UP A SPECIFIC TOPIC, JUST ALOT OF EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH, AND HOPE FROM A BUNCH OF ALCOHOLICS AND ADDICTS. THAT'S SO COOL. I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN AWHILE AND I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY FEELINGS ON THE NINETH STEP. I HAD MENTIONED A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO HOW I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT MAKING MY AMENDS TO MY DAUGHTER AND I ; ACTUALLY GOD GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO DO IT THE OTHER NIGHT. I JUST CAN'T EXPRESS HOW AWESOME MY GOD IS. MY DAUGHTER IS 11 YEARS OLD AND I'M PRETTY SURE VERY ANGRY AND CONFUSSED. I ABANDONED HER TO MY PARENTS ABOUT 4 YEARS AGO AND SHE HAS BEEN WITH THEM EVER SINCE. I'VE BEEN SOBER ABOUT 1 1/2 YEARS NOW AND AM IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING HER BACK WITH ME. I HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS NOW (MADE MY AMENDS TO THEM JUST ABOUT A WEEK BEFORE MY DAUGHTERS), IT'S JUST THAT I AM LIVING IN A SOBER LIVING RIGHT NOW, WITH MY 1 1/2 YEAR DAUGHTER AND A ROOMMATE SO I HAVE LIMITED SPACE. I JUST WANT TO LET ANYONE OUT THERE WHO IS HAVING ANY DOUBTS ABOUT A.A. ; REALLY NEEDS TO GIVE IT A CHANCE!!!!!!
Member: rapunzel
Location: right here
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 16:27:41
rap, alcoholic. To JANICE from CALIFORNIA: Welcome home friend!! Glad you made it back, your experience has saved me the trip and for that I'm grateful. Thank you.
Member: carl
Location:
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 16:42:31
Thanks to everyone who shared today, you all saved me from taking a drink. The past three weeks have been one of the toughest times in my life because my family is falling apart and the relationships have been damaged beyond repair. My wife and I have worked for over thirty five years to love and provide for our children, in hopes of having a good solid relationship with them in our later years. While that will not be possible, I have not had the desire to take a drink thanks to all of you. I know that with my higher power and all your support, these tought times will pass and I will not drink.
Member: Holly B.
Location: California
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 16:52:21
Well, I have been sober for about twenty hours. I guess I knew I was an alchoholic about a year ago when I almost killed myself in a car accident but it was easier to just admit to a "drinking problem" and do the DUI classes and keep this distance from AA (even though I did go to one live meeting, I didn't feel comfortable there...) The reason I keep getting into this mode where I say I am not an alchoholic is that I have been able to stop before fairly easily. Like when I have been pregnant and after for months or even years. Drinking always feels/felt like a choice I made/make becuase I want to. I knew I could stop if I wanted to and since I proved it in the past I didn't have to worry about my drinking, does that make sense?
Anyway, right before I crashed my car I was drinking at least two bottles of wine a night. I never drink during the day, I am a full-time mom and my house is clean and the kids are well cared for...my marriage is fine. It is really easy to hide behind all of this. My husband would have some wine with me early on, then go to sleep and I would drink until I passed out. It isn't hard to hide a hangover when you don't have to go anywhere in the morning. I almost never drink around the kids either. They are usually in bed before I start (I have four kids).
Well, after the accident I cut way back. I would not drink for a few days and then just have a glass or two. This restraint proved to me that I didn;t have a problem and that gave me permission to get completey drunk for the next few nights. I did this for a while. Maybe six months. Then I went back to drinking nightly, only not as much. Anywhere from two to maybe six drinks. I practiced not having another drink when I felt like pouring one. It was agame.
Only recently, maybe in the last month or so, have I realized that the most faorite part of my day...my life really, is when everyone is asleep and I can drink and read a book. I drink and read until I can't see the words and then I go to sleep. I love this. I crave this. I look forward to it all day.
I guess this is really sick. I have a great family and lots of talents and interests, but drinking has become my favorite thing to do. Drinking alone. Last night I thought about not drinking. I had just been to the store and we had run out of beer and wine and I had no reason to go to the store except to get wine. I made up some reason. I bought a lot of stuff I didn't need, plus the wine. Then I went home, waited until everyone was in bed and got out my book and started to drink. For some reason I got disgusted with myself.
I was angry at myself for drinking and not able to stop. Not wanting to stop. I drank about half the bottle and then poured a glass of soda. I drank about three glasses of soda and then decided that sucked and went back to the wine. I didn't finish it, though. There is still about half a glass left. That was my thing. I'd leave half a glass and so I didn;t drink the whole bottle and so I was fine.
Well, after I finish writing this I am going to go pour out the rest. This will actually be hard, but not so hard becuase I know I can go a few days without drinking. Even though it is Friday and that makes it a little harder. The weekend is the only time my husband drinks. Anyway, I can do this early part, I know. It is the next week and that kind of thing that I doubt I can do.
I don't have very good willpower. For almost six months I was a vegetarian and then lost it over a cheeseburger like a lunatic. I wreck every diet I ever go on. This would be harder than any of those things. I guess I don't have a lot of hope. But I undertsnad the day at a time thing. I can do today and tonight.
Thanks for listening...
Member: Steve H.
Location: Hewitt, Tx.
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 17:50:14
Hi, my name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic. This is my first attempt at an on-line meeting, so please bear with me. My sobriety date is 11/4/81. Life is good. And it keeps getting better. Tonight I get to celebrate my daughter's 15 year birthday at Olive Garden--sober!!!! She has never seen her daddy drunk! I just want to thank all those old-timers who raised the bottom for guys like me.
Member: willie H
Location: NV
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 19:09:53
Hi! my name's Willie and I am a real drunk!! it took me 24 years to get 14. my sobriety date is 8-29-84, I will be 15 years sober by the grace of God! I fought this program tooth and nail. yes I too would tell people I was an alcoholic but never really honestly admit to myself that I was an alcoholic. My spiritual experience was delivered to me in jail by another alcoholic names(Heneretta). I heard her story which was my story and I knew then and there I would end up just like her. When I served my 45 days I walked out of jail and I asked God to relieve me of my alcoholism and He did. I have not had a desire to drink thanks to AA and all the fellowship and sponsers. You newcomers keep coming back! it does work!!
Member: linda b
Location: va
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 23:01:14
i'm linda, alcoholic. this is my first time here. i arrived 11-92 very angry at GOD. i wanted what the program had but i would do it without GOD, so i thought. i listened long enough to know that wasn't possible. today my life is wonderful due to the tools i use, given by aa.
this program will work if you let it. you have to really want it. i'm lucky that i watched my dad struggle for years to get sober. that gave me a lot of fear when i arrived, which is a great motivator for me. i went to a meeting most every night. i belive a strong foundation is needed. i really needed those special aa hugs and still do! (my dad will pick up a 19 year chip this month) thank GOD for all these aa miracles...thanks for letting me share. TAKE CARE
Member: Jeremy S.
Location: Texas
Date: 13 Aug 1999
Time: 23:03:06
Hi, I'm a 26 year old recovering drunk, and having some trouble. This past June I was released from a Texas prisom after serving 25 months on a 48 month sentence for D.W.I. #3. That makes three felony convictions, all the same. Do I have a drinking problem????? As of this August I would have had one year of sobriety. BUT, about two weeks ago I went and got drunk. My wife said that she forgives me and was waiting for it to happed. Like she sai, I'm stubborn and had to see if I had beaten it. What was the answer you ask??? Well, it was no. Since that day I have been sober and enfoying everyday of it. However, I recently found out about some things that have happened while I was away and my wife was home by herself. This is really making it hard to stay away from drinking. I told her that I forgive her, and I meant it. But I get these un-trusting voices in my head that tell me to think,"What is she doing now". I know that she is sorry and fells guilty for what she did. The same as I feel guilty for going to prison and leaving her and our children alone for two years. Does anyone know how, or what I can do to help me deal with these feelings and thoughts? When we attempt to talk about it, we both get very uncomfortable. Is it best not to talk about it and let it go or what???? I could really use some advice..
Trying to make it, Jeremy
Member: ANDRE C
Location: 4021
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 00:44:55
MY NAME IS MNB I AM AN ALKI.WHEN I USE TO DRINK I COULD GET UP SET ABOUT ANY THING.TODAY I KNOW IT'S MY DESIESE. WHAT I FOUND OUT WAS THAT MY ISM IS ALIVE AND WILL MAKE ME FELL ANYTHING TO KEEP DRINKING.THE BB TALKS ABOUT.WHEN I GET RESTLESS,IRRIDABLE OR DISCONTENT.I ALSO HSVE SOME GUILT,SHAME,FEAR OR REMORSE GOING ON.SO,I NEED YOU GUYS AND GOD TO HELP ME THRU THIS.
Member: DeeDee
Location: MI
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 01:00:00
My name is DeeDee and I'm and alcoholic. Holly B. Your drinking pattern reminds me of myself. I wasn't and alcoholic because I didn't drink by myself. I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink in the morning. If I wasn't an alcoholic, why did I try to control my drinking. I would go to a party and have only 2 drinks (there), I would then stay up half the night after my husband went to bed drinking. I tried so many ways of controling my drinking that I don't even remember them anymore. Then I deceided to quit drinking. I really did it. I spent 2 years as a dry drunk. That was about the most insane time of my life. Alcohol was but a symptom of my problem. I needed help with the spiritual and mental portion of my being. Thanks to AA and the people in the rooms I learned to think differently. It has been a long slow process, but by the Grace of God and the men and women in the AA program, I feel that there isn't anything God will give me that I can't handle with his help. I am never alone.
Member: Donna M.
Location: Oregon
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 01:38:37
Hi, Donna, alcoholic. I have less than 24 hours clean and sober and it's Friday night and I am having a hard time. I live in a college town and all my friends are big drinkers, so it is always what we do on weekends. I convinced myself for a long time that I wasn't an alcoholic becuase all of my friends drink and they are fine. The difference is that they don't drink until they blackout and pass out. They don't fall out of moving vehicles. They don't randomly have sex with people. My ex-boyfriend is clean and sober and is my "ex" partially becasue I drink too much. Why did it take this long for me to desperately want to stop drinking? I'm sick of waking up wanting to die. I'm tired of the shame and the apologies the next morning brings. I'm really scared though, I have been drinking since I was 13 and I am now 24, I feel very alone. I went to a meeting today, but I needed more AA contact. Thanks for being here. I would love any advice anyone has for me to get through tomorrow.
Member: CYC
Location: KY
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 03:17:09
Member: Charlie
Location: KY
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 03:40:11
Hi Charlie/alcoholic Still there Donna? Its a couple hours after your post, you're probably asleep (hope so anyway). I empathize with what you were saying. I'm 24 also. There's something about trying to get sober young that is very difficult. Maybe there's just something about being young (and alcoholic) that's difficult. (incidentally, sorry to cross-talk and stray from the topic, but this is the message that spoke to me). I know when I got sober (a year ago at the end of August), I felt a lot of shame, remorse, and guilt. Also, for a long time before, when I was first becoming aware of the consequences of my drinking/using, I didn't understand why my drinking affected me differently than it did my friends (all of whom drank, I thought, like me). I still don't really know. And its not as important for me now to know as it was then. Some of those feelings still come up, but not nearly as intensely, and I find that I now have tools that I can use to figure out some of the how's and why's of the whole thing. That's what all of this business about "clearing the wreckage of the past" is about. But the important thing for you to remember is that you don't need to figure all of this out today/tonight. If you continue going to meetings and talking to people, I think you'll find that you've bought yourself a lot of time. Actually I know you have. In the beginning, it is difficult. But that stuff passes, then it comes back (but not as badly as before), then it passes again, etc. The transition from not living to living is difficult, but not impossible. My advice to you is to stick it out, because it won't kill you (unlike falling out of moving vehicles)
Member: Steve H.
Location: Hewitt, Tx.
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 07:32:03
Hi, Steve H., recovered alcoholic. After being in treatment in the summer of 1981 and introduced to the AA program, I found myself sitting alone in my kitchen after coming to on Nov. 4, 1981. One thought entered my mind and crowded out all others. It said: "Steve, if it is going to work for you, you will have to do it their way." And I said ok. I got up and made a 10am aa meeting. I saw my sponsor there and he asked me: What are we going to do different? I told him that the only thing that I could think of doing was that 4th step. I haven't had a drink since.
This is for Donna M. You asked for it. First get a sponsor, and I suggest another woman!!!! Get a big book and read it every day even if you don't understand it. Make a meeting a day for 90 days and don't drink. In the morning ask please and before you go to bed say thank you. Try this for 90 days. What have you got to lose? I didn't have!!!!!!!!
Member: Nan D
Location: IL
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 11:08:22
Hi, Nan D. here. Well this is the beginning of Day 3 for me. As Steve H. suggests I have said please every morning and thank you each night (even if it's only been 2!) and I found that refrain I was looking for the other evening - I just keep repeating to myself - "don't have the first drink". I've been saying this to myself even during the day when I wouldn't be drinking anyway. And I keep saying please throughout the day. Last night I actually enjoyed 2 movies with my daughter and her friend and had popcorn and COFFEE!!! Instead of several glasses of wine. And I made it through the entire movie without passing out and could actually tell my daughter goodnite, and my son too, who came home at 1;30 am!!! I feel lreally happy about that, but I also know that today is another day and I have to keep on reminding myself and repeating to myself to not take that first drink. It felt really good this am to get up early and have clear vision and a clear head and clear memories of last night. Couldn't wait to get on here to say thank you. I know that I will be checking in often because as I said, I feel the support is here and that you all will be cheering for us new people to continue. Thank you so much for letting me share and for all of your sharing! We're going into Sat. and Sun. here (used to be big party times for me) so I'll let you know how I get through it. Thanks! Nan
Member: ClaudiaB
Location: San Francisco
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 11:59:57
Hi, I'm Claudia, an alcoholic who lost touch with the program. I remember the moment 16 years ago, when I knew I had to get sober. My brother (who's my best friend) finally had had enough of my behavior and told me that I was an alcoholic. I was shocked. It took me two years of going to almost 2 meetings a day to get to the point where I started to get it. I lost more than 10 years of my life to alcohol and alcoholic behavior. I was really grateful to be sober and worked hard on my program. And, then I guess I just got cocky again. Over the 16 years of sobriety, at some point I think I just started being dry (not really sober). I got busy and stopped going to meetings. This last year, I finally decided to get a divorce from a marriage that began when I was drinking and has never really worked out. I also decided that it was all my husband's fault (because he's unfaithful, because he doesn't have a job) and that I'm incredibly resentful because I have to support him (now and after the divorce). I've been allowing that anger and resentment to poison my soul for months and finally, I started drinking again. I told myself that I had it under control and that a "few" drinks would just help me gain the distance I needed to "control" my anger and to keep me from losing it with the kids and with my job. And then, yesterday, I started drinking at noon and, by 10pm had drunk half a bottle of cognac. I'm glad to find this on-line group. I'm going to check in often and re-read the Big Book (I started last night) and go back to the beginning.
Pray for me,
Member: Lisa E.
Location: Garrison, NY
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 12:48:52
HI. My name is lisa and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for sharing Claudia. As long as you have the desire to stop drinking that is all that matters. It is a miracle when someone returns to the Fellowship. You are also an inspiration to me. Lately I have become complacent about my sobriety. Not going to as many meetings, not sharing, letting resentments get in the way. Just this past week, I had to do a Tenth step to admit that i was wrong about some things that I had been doing. I feel much better and am glad that I have the opportunity to share these things with you. Please take it one day at a time and keep sharing. It works if you work it.
Member: Molly
Location: pike's peak area
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 13:07:48
Hi.....Molly here. Wow! First time here and I really got a lot out of the women. Especially the "hiding the problem" part. I'm a wife & mom who drinks too much along w/ my husband. We both realize that we need to deal w/it individually but neither one of us has found our individual courage. Like deer in headlights. I know that I don't want to screw up my family ( any more than it already may be) and you'd think that alone would motivate me. If I am actually as clever as I think I am and as good at the hiding part then why am I here now? As a wife & mom I put myself last as many women do. I know if I keep up my habit I will get sick and die from it someday and I don't want to do that. I am afraid it will be too hard to stop and I'm afraid of how I will feel if I can't. It's crazy, I know. I realize now that there are others out there so maybe I can learn alot here. Gotta start somewhere, right?
Member: Roy S.
Location:
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 13:08:11
For me that moment of clarity came a little over a year and a half ago when I woke up from yet another night out not remembering what I had done. I had been in and out of trouble with the law, with friends, and so on, but luckily God decided to give me the strength to finally say "ENOUGH". I knew that I had to change or I would end up doing something that I could not overcome. AA gave me the way to do that and I am grateful. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Donna M.
Location: Oregon
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 13:54:41
Hi, Donna here, alcoholic. Thnak you Steve H. and Charlie for your helpful workds. Sorry for the cross-talk, but Charlie's message moved me to tears. The fact that someone actually listened to me and didn't try to convince me that I'm not an alcoholic means so much to me. I am grateful for this website because in my area there is not a live meeting until tonight, and I am doing the "I will not drink for this hour" thing. It's Saturday, and Saturday night has always been my big downfall. I'm feeling very lonely now, my ex-boyfirend was also my bestfriend and he won't speak to me. I can't blame him, he has heard me say that I was going to quit drinking before. I don't really have much to add, I just wanted to thank everyone for listening, and hopefully when I go to bed tonight I can say "thank you".
Member: Steve F.
Location: Wenham, Massachusetts USA
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 14:24:40
Steve F., alcoholic
Not sure what the topic is - just wanted to check in and say thank you to everyone for sharing. Welcome to all the newcomers, and welcome to those just coming back, especially Janice and Claudia.
Holly B. Your story is very familiar to me, and I would bet that many others at this site have had similar feelings and experiences. For those of us who are alcoholics, willpower is not the issue. We have a disease that (by definition) cannot be overcome through the force of will. That is why the first part of the first step of the 12 step recovery program is to admit that we are powerless over alcohol. Powerless. I tell myself that I am powerless over alcohol every morning and every night. And I go to AA meetings 3 or 4 nights a week. I have been sober just under 6 months, after 37 years of struggling with alcohol. During those years, I stopped drinking several times - once for almost a year. But I always started drinking again. I also tried to control my drinking for several of those years - and very nearly suffered a nervous breakdown because of it. For me, AA has been the much easier way.
Member: NELSON
Location: TROUT RIVER, ONT.
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 14:25:57
NELSON HERE. ALCOHOLIC. MY MOMENT OF CLARITY HIT ME LIKE A BOULDER ON MY SHOULDER WHEN I WOKE UP TO THE FACT THAT HAVING A BEER HAD BEEN A THREE DAY AFFAIR....FOR ABOUT THE 204th TIME. I WAS ACTUALY BORED WITH THE WHOLE SCENARIO! I GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES (I WAS ALREADY THERE) AND STARTED LOOKING FOR MY CONTACTS. LO AND BEHOLD...AFTER 30 TO 45 MINUTES OF PAINSTAKINGLY SEARCHING THE FLOOR, I FOUND THEM ON THE END TABLE AT THE HEAD OF THE COUCH I HAD TRIED TO SLEEP ON THE NIGHT BEFORE. THINGS SURE LOOKED DIFFERENT AFTER THAT! WHAT A MESS! I'M NOT A CLEAN-A-TIC, BUT IF MY CABIN WAS ANY REFLECTION OF MY CIVILITY, I REALIZED THAT I NEEDED TO REGROUP. HAVE BEEN ATTENDING AA EVER SINCE. HAVE CLEANED UP MY ACT...AND MY CABIN, TOO! THE MONEY THAT I USED TO SPEND DURING THESE DRINKING SPELLS IS NOW GOING TO MONTHLY PAYMENTS ON A NEW BASS BOAT AND VARIOUS ANCILLARY EQUIPMENT, WHICH I AM VERY HONORED TO REPORT TO YOU ALL, DOES NOT INCLUDE BEER! AM ACTUALLY ENJOYING A SIMPLE LIFE OF VITAMINS, SUNFLOWER SEEDS AND SEX...SO FAR WITHOUT THE ASSISTANCE OF ALCOHOL...BE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!
Member: Phil A
Location: Geordieland UK
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 14:58:44
Hi All
It's bee a while since I've been on the discussions page and I'm glad to see so mant different people here since the last time.
How I came to accept I was an alcoholic, well the truth be known I just don't know. I told myself early on in life that I was an alcoholic, but other people just denied it for me-so I kept on drinking and kept on believing them. At age 18 I went to an AA meeting, but didn't go back and forgot all about it. I am just amazed that nearly 12 years later I found myself back in the rooms of AA.
On the aspect of Spirituality I guess our HP is with us all our lives, which is something I got to grips with shortly after coming back to AA on 4th Feb this year, I struggled with it for a while but then let go and my HP found me. He/she/it was always there and I believe that because I had a series of operations when I was two to remove a tumour from my brain and was given a very slim chance of survival, the docs said that if I did survive I would be like a vegetable and I would be lucky to survive past the age of 14 if at all.
I drank on that and so many other things, but since I finally put down the last drink on Apr 12 things just get better one day at a time.
Thanks to all that are here and all the others who are in the rooms around the world it gives me strength to carry on and carry the message to those that still suffer.
wallyphil@currantbun.com
Peace and Serenity. Phil
Member: ROB R.
Location: B.C. CANADA.
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 15:41:29
SOME SAY THERE IS A SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE AA PROGRAM,OTHERS SAY SPIRITUALLITY IS THE PROGRAM.WHEN EVER I HEAR OTHERS SHARE SO OPENLY AND HONESTLY,WETHER IT BE IN A LIVE MEETING,ON LINE,OR OVER COFFEE!!, IT RENEWS MY SENSE OF SPIRITUALLITY FOR YET ANOTHER DAY.SPECIAL THANKS TO THOSE WHO HAVENT BEEN WITH US LONG, THOUGH YOU MAY NOT LIKE US ALL YOU WILL LEARN TO LOVE US IN A SPECIAL WAY. THE SAME WAY WE ALLREADY LOVE YOU. ILL PRAY FOR YOU,AND WISH YOU ANOTHER 24 HOURS.
Member: rich r, slowly recovering compulsive person
Location: the motor city
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 19:21:15
WHEN WAS I READY? great topic! It was 9 years ago, a whole bunch of stuff was going wrong: dear wifey was pg at age of 44! i had just put 70k in stock market before Saddam Hussein went into Kuwait (lost 20k in 2 weeks) i was smoking AGAIN after being off the darn thingees for 14 years! i was on the see food diet! (grin) i was just generally not having a good time at life. to top it off i went out and got drunk 12-11-90. next day told wifey "i'm sorry"
only thing was i had used up all my "sorries"
went to aa and turn the worst day of my life into the best day on my life.
today i no longer drink/bet/smoke/over eat all trhu the 12 step programs, the help of people like you and my HP who i "dscovered" was there for me all along, i just wasn't asking for help.
thanks for the topic and the memories, what is they say? all's well that ends well...
Member: Phil A
Location: Geordieland UK
Date: 14 Aug 1999
Time: 19:42:45
Hi All
Otto
Hi
To whoever mailed me asking where Geordieland is, you have e-mail, mail me again and I'll check in the morning.
wallyphil@currantbun.com
Peace and Serenity. Phil
Member: Jayson H.
Location: not sure yet
Date: 15 Aug 1999
Time: 00:33:58
Hello everybody. My name is Jayson H. and I don't quite know if I'm in any danger with my use of alcohol or not. You see, I recently got a DUI, fortunately reduced to a lesser charge, and now court ordered to attend a awareness program along with AA meetings. Since my DUI I have used alcohol only once, and found it unfufilling in the fashion I was accustomed to. (fun, merriment, life of the party, etc) I know that if I was too drunk to remember paying my bar tab that night, I should not have driven, and to me that says there is some improvements that need to be made. The AA meetings I have attended are strange to me. I first thought, "These people really are screwed up!". After being honest with myself, I can see a part of me that is also "screwed up". I don't seem to be able to express myself in a group of strangers but apparantly I can type my thoughts alright. I was amazed at how I can relate to the things written on this page by all of you. I'm just beginning my quest inside myself, my evaluation of myself, MY look... Thats all I really have to say right now. I apologize if this was way off topic. I look forward to reading everyone's thoughts.
PS - I was told that I would be able to use this forum group as one of my AA meetings for the program. If one of you could send me an email, anonymous of course, that states my involvment it would be appreciated. I would also like my email address kept out of mass circulation, please. Thanks alot. --> jahudson@gte.net
Member: Kitina M.
Location: Morgan Hill
Date: 15 Aug 1999
Time: 01:06:44
Hi everyone, Kitina, Alcoholic/addict. I don't know if I'm the first one to post, but if I am, I would like to here about WILLINGNESS, ACCEPTANCE, and how important the newcomers are to sobriety. I will comment later. Thanks everyone for being here, and welcome to the newcomers.
Member: Ltl Jim S
Location: NJ
Date: 15 Aug 1999
Time: 01:28:34
HI all....first time here...5 yrs sober Aug 5....glad to make it that far too....5 surgeries, a cancer scare, two family deaths, and a home group that gives little support...now looking around.. Ltl Jim S <shortshiit@yaoo.com>
Member: Ltl Jim S
Location: NJ
Date: 15 Aug 1999
Time: 01:32:01
Katins M.... Newcomers are extremely important to meetings....they help to reinforce to some of us with a little time that alcoholism is still out there in full force no matter who or what.... Ltl Jim S <shortshiit@yahoo.com
Member: Joel P.
Location: VA
Date: 15 Aug 1999
Time: 01:46:35
Joel, Alcoholic, first-time with AA. I know I have aproblem with alcohol and I know I need help, but I'm unsure of the best place for me to go. I'm not sure if the felowship is for me, because I have a hard time grapsing the issues of spirituality. I've probably been aware of my problem for a long time, but didn't really care to do anything about it. I figured it was my life, I'm enjoying it so who cares. At this point i was blacking out almost every time I drank, and waking up with cuts and car damage. It wasn't until last week that I realized how it was affectig the people around me. After I was repeatedly late for work, my mother talked to me in tears. Her brother, also named Joel, had been an alcoholic most of his life, in and out of treatment. Alcohol ruined his marriage and drove him to suicide. I know that when I start drinking I don't have the ability to stop. I've ruined relationships because of my drinking and its really hurting my family. The most important thing in accepting that I have a problem is realizing that my behavior doesn't just hurt me but those around me. That is the source of my desire to stop.
Member: Steve H.
Location: Hewitt, Tx.
Date: 15 Aug 1999
Time: 08:07:57
Hi, Steve H., alcoholic. Thanks for the topic, Kitina M. I had to get willing before I could take any action. And circumstances made me willing on 11-4-81. Newcomers are the life blood of the program. Without them, we couldn't practice the 12th step. Every day I must accept life on life's terms. As far as God's concerned, they used to say in meetings down in central Texas, "if God runs you out of here, the bottle will just run you back in." This may help the newcomer who is having a problem with sprituality. My sponsor told me to make a list of what I thought God was and then make a list of what I wanted my God to be then tear up the first list. The list left was to be my Higher Power. That was enough to make my beginning. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: ROXANNE
Location: philadelphia
Date: 15 Aug 1999
Time: 09:27:53
hi my name is roxanne an i'm an alcoholic i would like to give thanks first to my higher power today nfor waken me up to another day sober. it's not a lot i have to share about. i just wanted to say that i;m very grateful to be here on line with others such as myself this morning i feel that i;ve been in a meeting this morning and this gives me a lot of gratitude for myself this morning. thanks for everyone that shared and for those who will share after me.