Member: jenifer d
Location: canadian
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 2:32:37 AM
Hello, if I'm first I would like to know how to handle memories of the awfull things that I have done. Example, it just came into my mind tonight a picture of a night at the supper table when the kids were young teens, and my son found one of the knobs off the stove in his meal! I began to berate Sears and Kenmore in a loud voice and I remember my husband saying in a quiet tone, 'silly old drunk!' I burn with shame and misery when I think of those times. I want to curl up and die. And then I think, they will never forget and I wish that it had never happened. How do you handle this.
Member: Ken C
Location: Winnipeg, (Friendly Manitoba) Canada - eh!
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 3:47:18 AM
Hi Jenifer,
Your topic should generate some interesting feed back. Gee, I thought I was the only Canuck with a past I was ashamed of! O.K. I know I shouldn't jest about this because it is a real problem. I have long term sobriety so I'll tell you what had happend in my case over time.
Although I will never forget the shameful things of the past. For me, talking about the exact nature of my wrongs during my Step Five, was very helpful. It seemed to take the broken glass feeling out of the gut, if you know what I mean. Then, as I progressed in the program by putting spiritual principles into action: Being honest; ceasing to make unreasonable demands on myself and others, and in general getting out of myself, I began to regain my self esteem. As Bill W. said in the Big Book: "Our very lived depend upon our constant thought of others."
Today, those memories hardly ever come back, except when someone reminds me - as you did - thanks! Naw.. don't worry, it does me good to remember now, because the gulf between what i was then compared to what I am now, is very wide, and the old me seems like some stranger from the past.
For now, Jenifer, until you at least do a Step Five on this (if you haven't to date), you could at least write those things down as part of your step four (and hide the stuff somewhere). The very act of writing them down gave me some relief at least for a while, but no real relief came until I did step five and then burned my step four notes. One final tip. When you write those things down, try to determine what your attitudes were at the time. This helped me see how my selfishness and self centeredness played a big part. But remember too, that the "natural" self centeredness that we and all people have, was made greater by our disease of alcoholism. And that was one thing we did not choose.
I'm sure many people who respond this week will reasure you that the many facets of A.A. have pulled them through a great deal of shame and guilt, so I'll sign off now, and let our other friends tell you about it. Hell, even if they aren't "good" Canucks like you and me, they are pretty damn good people and will remind us (in spades)that we aren't bad people tyring to get good, but sick people trying to get well. A.a. is the "doctor" and we are the patients. All we have to do is read the instructions (for pain relief) and then DO what the doctor orders.
Have a good recovery Jenifer, positive results are guaranteed if we do the steps just as much as negative results are guaranteed if we don't. We don't have to like our medicine, but as always, it seems the choice is ours - right?
Love - Ken
Member: Andrew A.
Location: Calgary
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 5:38:17 AM
Hi Ken and Jenifer... I'll keep Canucks Corner going for a bit. I was haunted terribly by the past for many years after coming to recovery. I had done two steps 4/5 and the 8/9 step once and was still stuck in the past,reliving things over and over. Then I met a psycholigist,an AA member who started me on the process of dealing with the past. I found out things I had learned since infancy and experiences of mine since then that brought me to a greater understanding of why I behaved the way I did. I found much more outside help (other than AA) that were such a big help to me in dealing with the past. And along with continuing to take these steps,being an active member of my home group and the fellowship in general,I am learning to live in the moment,and the past is more of a reference point to see how far I have come today,as you mentioned,Ken. BTW Ken,would be interested in meeting you when you are in the Calgary area. I will post my e-mail and ICQ if you or anyone else cares to contact me.
Love Peace and Joy...Andrew.
paxaa@hotmail.com ICQ# 75031976
Member: Eric J.
Location: Gilroy, Ca. U.S.A.
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 6:42:30 AM
I chose my sponcer carefully because of the fifth step. At that time, I felt like I really needed someone who could keep his mouth SHUT! He also had to be someone who actually knew how to do the steps, as well as how to get me to do them. The man I found had 5 years of sobriety at that time, and had sponcered several people. He DID keep his mouth shut, and we both remain aober today. I have also had other sponcers since then, but that first one has forgotten more of my secrets than any other.
My first fourth step was rather long (29 pages). The major portion of it was my resentments, which ranged from family members through my job, to things like Sears, the IRS and my insurance company.
There were smaller sections on sex problems and things about which I felt guilty.
It was important to my sponcer that I should do the steps in order, and at my own pace. He did not want me to do step three without understanding that I was now to begin writing down my fourth step. I was to start near the bottom of page 63 of the Big Book, and "Do what they did." SPELLING DOESN'T COUNT!
If there is a single step that provides more releif than most, I think step five is the one! I felt really good about myself, and about having dumped all that stuff.
When I mentioned this good feeling to my sponcer, he reminded me that, "If you meet the conditions, the sobriety (and serenity) will come to you.
While it is true that the official promices are after the ninth step (page 83-84), there are also some statements about how people feel after step five on page 75 of the Big Book. People who would like to do so should read page 75 to begin counting what I call "Hidden Promices." You'll find plenty of them!
Here is something that was given to me by an old man in A.A.
If you don't take the first drink, you won't get drunk. You only have to stay sober one day at a time, and any idiot can stay sober for 24 hours.
Member: Charlie Darling
Location: Maine via Key West
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 8:34:24 AM
Hi Family Charlie a very grateful Alcholic boy this is a great topic, as for years I lived in Florida, and after 3 years into the program I moved back to Maine, and to be reminded of all the things I did when I was drinking, I felt very ashamed and wanted to crawl up into a corner some where, but the fellowship as thought me to let go of things, and I just say thank you for reminding me of the past, but the future is where I am going, and I am not that same AH i used to be, and Ken I get so much from your shares you have helped me each day and I thank you. Our past is something that will always be there whether we like it or not, and it helps us to grow to the people we are today and the fellowship helps us to continue to grow the way our HP wanted us to grow. So keep growing and don't fret and worry about the past as much as we do, as it can only cause us to pick up that first drink, and then we will go right back to where we were before. I hope that all makes sense. I love you family and thank you for keeping me sober one more day. It is great.
Member: Charlie Darling
Location: Maine via Key West
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 8:34:25 AM
Hi Family Charlie a very grateful Alcholic boy this is a great topic, as for years I lived in Florida, and after 3 years into the program I moved back to Maine, and to be reminded of all the things I did when I was drinking, I felt very ashamed and wanted to crawl up into a corner some where, but the fellowship as thought me to let go of things, and I just say thank you for reminding me of the past, but the future is where I am going, and I am not that same AH i used to be, and Ken I get so much from your shares you have helped me each day and I thank you. Our past is something that will always be there whether we like it or not, and it helps us to grow to the people we are today and the fellowship helps us to continue to grow the way our HP wanted us to grow. So keep growing and don't fret and worry about the past as much as we do, as it can only cause us to pick up that first drink, and then we will go right back to where we were before. I hope that all makes sense. I love you family and thank you for keeping me sober one more day. It is great.
Member: John L
Location: South Florida
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 9:46:41 AM
Hi, my name is John and I'm an alcoholic. After reading the topic I felt goose bumps cover my body. I found myself alone this weekend as my family went out of town to visit relatives. As most alcoholics have a tendancy to do, in my lonliness and isolation I began the "stinken thinken". All the shamefull memories of my actions toward the ones I love came painfully into view. The drunken roughness towards my children, the stinging, hurtfull words toward my precious wife. I cried out to God (for the trillionth time) for forgiveness and promised my self I would appologize to them (also for the trillionth time) once they got home. If I work as hard with my recovery as I do feeling sorry for myself and my past, I can look past all that garbage and know that I'm not that person anymore-I am a loving, protecting and nurturing father working daily to be there for them and being open to God's will. Only when I ignore my disease and momentarily stop moving forward, stop seeking His will, do I wollow in the black goo of the past.
"Yesterday is no longer mine, tomorrow may never come, today is all I have, Lord help me live it to the full!"
Peace and health to all. John
Member: Dawn J.
Location: Muskogee, OK
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 10:02:04 AM
Hi everyone! I'm Dawn alcholic, addict. When I got sober I had alot of guilt about all the things I had done to my childern while I was out there. I thought I was a terrible person.Someone asked me, Are you doing the best you can now and do you think you did the best you could then? My answer is yes. It got horrible out there. It took alot of missery for me to relieze I had a major problem, and even longer to relieze I needed help. My childern where with me through it all. Even though I made alot of bad choices, and we went through hell, I never stoped loveing my childern.And with the disease that I have I absolutly did the best that I could. Sometimes I think about what happened and feel some shame. Thank God I'm sober now, and I dont do any of those things today.
Member: Bill W
Location:
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 10:16:37 AM
Good topic Jenifer!. I know during my drinking history I have done alot of shamefull things. One way that I have found very helpfull is to take a 4th step on the things that I have done in the past that make me boil with shame and take a 5th step with my sponser. I also realize that I don't have to let people push my shame button unless I allow them to. Since practicing the AA program at home can be very hard at times, since our loved ones have been affected by our alcoholism. Usually when my shame is triggered thats a warning to me that I have some unfinished business to take care of myself by working the 12 steps. I realize that this is a life time process and I'm gratefull that I do not have to dwell in shame as long as I used to during my drinking days In which shame made a slave out of me. The 12 steps are the best healer for my pain and the joy that comes out of the working the steps! I know that God on how understand God wants me to be happy On my limited time on earth and I know that shame is the biggest robber of hapiness. The AA program has truly made me very gratefull no matter what I have done in the past. We have to learn to forgive ourself's which is the hardest thing I have been able to do. But once it's done the feeling of freedom is great! I love it the freedom from the bondage of self.Thanks again for the topic.
Member: Tom S.
Location: NYC
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 10:27:35 AM
Hello all. My name is Tom and I am an alcoholic. When I live in the past I never dwell on the good that I've done, only the bad and it's always accompanied by a gnawing guilt: could have, should have, would have, if... If I were sober and mentally healthy, life would have been different somehow. The next thing that comes along with that line of thinking is usually "poor me," which I've really mastered, and as we all know can come to "pour me a drink." Fact being that it was what it was (the past) and I can't change it. I can only learn from it and move ahead toward progress. Today I should talk about the past, not to dwell in it, rather to help someone else that might be coming from the same place. And to remind myself of where I came from because it's easy, in sobriety, even with only a little time, to forget and to get too comfortable. If, however, I feel myself dwelling on the past with regrets, with guilt such that it brings me down, then it's a sign, to me, that I need to connect with my higher power, pick up the phone to call a friend or sponsor, get my sorry ass to a meeting and talk about it the best that I can. No matter how sober I think I am, I might be years from my last drink, but I'm always but an arms-length away from the first one. Have a great day everyone. Thanks for my sobriety. Tom nuevaluz@mindspring.com
Member: ronnie
Location: michigan
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 10:55:02 AM
hello fellow aks/addcts, ronnie,recovering thank god i dont have to act out on my thoughts today! forgive yourself girl, and understand youre not alone, and Not the first one. do u have a sponsor? r u getting 2 enuf meetings?god bless, and dont beat yourself up.
Member: Katie N
Location: Calif
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 11:04:27 AM
thank you for the topic Jennifer. I was a black out drinker so most of the things I've done come second hand, and therefore don't sting as badly. I have been sober 73 days and the thing that I find that really helps is writting about those thing in preparation for my 4th step. The thing I did that haunts me the most was driving in black outs, not just around the corner but hundreds of miles. A good friend of mine in the program did that and killed a young man and his 18 month old son. That was 17 years ago. Every time he chairs a meeting I cry cause it could have been me. It wasnt me and I don't ever have to get behind the wheel drunk if I don't choose to. Its a miracle how the steps help us at each juncture of our sobriety and the program, the power, and the people are my saving grace on my happy road to destiny. Each day that I walk in the sunlight of the spirit I am healed and transformed into the person I've been meant to be all along. Thank God for AA
Member: DEB
Location: MICHIGAN
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 11:54:53 AM
Good Morning Everyone--Deb here addicted to everything. I haven't written in a while, been very busy with my twin granddaughters.; but as i've been reading i can see that a lot of you have become very close over time. I think that is pretty neat! I also read where Amy just had twins? Congratulations!! I'd love to chat with her, so if you read this Amy touch base. I am raising these children so maybe i could be of some help--or vice-versa. What i would like to say to you Jennifer is Congratulations as well! You are no longer that person of the past, and it is now only a memory. There is nothing you can do to fix what happened back then, and it's a good thing because you then wouldn't be the person that you are this very minute! I'm sure you family sees that as well. There are many things that i have done in my past that are very shameful, but that is what helped me to see how it is that i DON'T want to be. Learning from my mistakes has been a crucial part of my growth process, and in my recovery. Remember not to dwell in the past, or plan to far ahead in the future---all we have is TODAY! (I feel lucky to have that) HUGS-DEB
Member: Nikki B.
Location: MN
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 2:19:37 PM
Hello fellows! I like the topic. I have quite a few memories of dry drunk behaviors towards my children. I had one this week as a matter of fact. I remember always sending them outside to play because I did not know how to have a relationship with them. Its pretty sad. There were two lonely little boys without a mother. I look back on that memory and feel sad. Then I began to think of how far I've come from there to were I am right now and I know in my heart thats what matters. My sons today have a mother who loves to be with them. They also know I do not drink. I've been clean 3yrs. They know I love them. I can't keep going back and beating myself up over it. It's there to remind me of why I am sober today. I do not ever want to hurt them or anyone that way again. This change has come from my higher power, the program, and my fellows. Thanks for listening. Nikki
Member: Carol C.
Location: New Jersey
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 6:44:40 PM
Hi Carol Alcoholic! I too had a hard time dealing with what I had done especially to my older son who is now 19. I stopped drinking when he was 12 yrs. old. Talk about the guilt. I drove many times in a black out with both my sons in the car. I don't know why I didn't kill them or someone else. I choose to believe my higher power was watching over them. Today I have been sober 8 years, and my ammends to my children is being a sober mom. I still feel guilt pangs over what I could have done but they seem to get less with time, and I am able to talk with my oldest son about all the craziness he experienced and ya know what? He still loves me.
Thank you for letting me share. Have a great week.
Member: Shannon S.
Location: Southern Cal.
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 7:05:19 PM
Shannon alcoholic here. My past is my greatest asset today. I share it with the women i sposor so they don't feel alone. By staying sober I avoid subjecting my family to the way I used to behave. I had to forgive myself. All those things I had to do because I was sick. It's the price I had to pay for the new life I have now - well worth it! Best wishes for lifetime of sobriety.
Member: WALT C
Location: PA.
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 9:51:00 PM
hi everybody my name is walt dec. 14 of this year i will celebrate 30 yrs. soberity. In this time with the help of God. I HAVE been through divorce; my daughters death; back surgery; throat surgery; and many more sadnesses. I WAS ALSO sober to see my 2 sons win state wrestling titles. my oldest becoming a surgeon; my Iyoungest a champion golfer. one thing that rang through my sober time everday is to stay present in the now. looking back constantly on my drunkin screwups would have interruped the screw ups i made in soberity. I DO THANK GOD EVERYDAY ON MY KNEES FOR MY GIFT
Member: HOLLY W.
Location: ROCKFORD, IL.
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 10:11:08 PM
HI MY NAME IS HOLLY AND I AM A GREATFUL RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC. LIKE MOST PEOPLE DOING A 4TH AND 5TH STEP HELPED ME TO DEAL WITH THE PAST. BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF AND MY GOD AND MY SPONSER HELPED ME TO LIVE WITH MYSELF AND THEN WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I ALSO MADE AMMENDS TO THE PEOPLE I HURT IN MY DRINKING CARREER WHICH WAS HARD BUT IT HELPED. I THINK MAKING AMMENDS TO FAMILY IS SOMETIMES THE HARDEST THING BECAUSE THEY SEEM TO MEAN MORE AT LEAST TO THIS DRUNK. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN THIS MEETING, MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME ABOUT IT SO I NEED TO THANK HER. I GO TO REGULAR MEETINGS ALOT DURING THE WEEK AND TALK TO MY SPONSER WHICH HELPS ME TO STAY INTO TODAY. YESTERDAY IS GONE AND TOMORROW ISNT HERE SO TODAY IS ALL I HAVE. GOD I LOVE BEING SOBER AND I LOVE THE PROGRAM OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS AND STILL DO THE THING THAT WERE SUGGESTED FOR ME IN THE BEGINNING A LITTLE OVER 4 YEARS AGO. I AND ALL OF US ARE MIRACLES OF A HIGHER POWER. THINGS GET BETTER SO HANG IN THERE. THANK YOU. HOLLY W
Member: Larry L
Location: Northern Minnesota
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 10:15:08 PM
Jennifer We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Once you let it go, give it to God, its gone, he takes it, you are forgiven. You need only do the steps. As someone else said it becomes an asset not a shame. Youre past is something you can share...your experience strength and hope. The things you have gone through may be just what someone else needs to hear to save their life or the lives of those they might otherwise take while drinking. Live today, the past is in God's hands. In step 3 we made a decision to turn our lives over to his care. I like to think of the word care in step 3 in the same way a mother or father cares for their child. Jennifer, the things we did in our past serve a purpose. Pain is God's megaphone to awaken a slumbering world.
Member: Steve F.
Location: Wenham, Massachusetts
Date: 7/24/00
Time: 10:58:01 PM
Steve, alcoholic
Hi Jenifer - thanks for the good topic. One of the concepts in the Big book that has been most important to me in my recovery (17 months so far, one day at a time) is that our past is not just an asset - it's our greatest asset. It's what enables us to make a connection with another alcoholic, and help him or her learn how to get and stay sober - and in the process of helping another alcoholic, we stay sober, too.
Member: Alisa R
Location:
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 12:56:01 AM
Hi I am Alisa and I am Alcoholic. The thing for me with when bad memories come up is to first pray and ask for the willingness to let them go until I can have the oppurtunity to talk about them then I have to be completely honest to my sponsor or someone I trust with the memorie and my feelings around it. I find that whenever it comes up that is when God wants me to deal with it.
Member: ChuckM
Location: Alberta
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 2:34:44 AM
I'm Chuck, an alcoholic
I endorse Larry's comments. My God has forgiven me, am I better than God that I won't let go. He wants me to live in the present, today.
The whole point of the program is to get out of the past. If I dwell on a past fault it just grows. I see it the same as scratching a minor skin blemish, if I keep at it I can cause an infection. Only think of the past when you are trying to help someone by example.
Continue with the steps Jennifer, they are God's way of restoring me to sanity and spirituality.
Peace and Serenity
Member: Cass Cosar
Location: Michigan
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 5:49:13 AM
Hi everyone, I'm a newcomer. Just woke up from a drunk actually. I want to go to a real meeting but I have no car. Unfortunately I do have a cooler full of beer. Which of course I won't touch because I feel like crap. Guilty as usual. You all said something about one day at a time. I guess I'll try that. If any idiot can do it, I sure have the idiot part right. Thanks.
Member: Sheri F
Location: Beautiful Green Portland,OR
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 8:43:19 AM
Good Topic Jennifer. The only way I could ever make amends to my family was to grow in the Program of AA. I had to forive myself work harder on doing the steps, more meetings, more reading.. Over a period of time I started laughing at some of the stupid things I had done. You will too. Don;t forget to learn to laugh at yourself as well as others crummy jokes. I was a preacher's daughter and di I have amends to do.. The BIGGEST amends was to myself. Learning to forgive, and learning to laugh at myself. Keep going to meetings, take to your sponsor the feelings of shame and together you can cancel shame of the past out of your life, Keep Coming Back!!! I love you and MY God loves you too. Sheri slfrey@Yahoo.com
Member: l.b.
Location:
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 8:45:45 AM
Hi Cass, I remember my last drunk, and it kept getting worse than all the other last drunks. For many years i was in and out of AA trying to get sober--it just did not seem possible for me. Then i hit insanity,and became very tired of the struggle. I said to God, Do with me what you will. Somehow He got me to a meeting (on line works!), and i heard One Day At A time-24 hours-Just for Today-and-Any Idiot Can Quit For One Day. Well, here is the idiot who only quits today. Today is all I have! Those today's add up after a while! I wish you health-peace-and sobriety TODAY. l.b.
Member: Rich S
Location: Oregon
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 8:53:57 AM
I'm Rich and I'm an alcoholic. Jenifer, the serenity prayer came to mind. With our higher power's help, we can change what we can and accept what we can't. I have 2 years in the program and I'm 43, so I have had a lot of time to create wreckage and have much. I am grateful to be alive now, and realize that for me to really be of service to others, I need to clean house, let go and let God in order to have a heart and mind clear enough to be able to be of real use to anybody. I find that the steps and the meetings are "the only" things that can generate the compassion in me needed to be of true service to others, and to God. When I miss too many meetings, I feel that horrible self-obsession and lack of love and tolerance take hold. I don't have an attitude at that point, the attitude has me. Time for work. Wish all an enjoyable Tues.
Member: tony g
Location: ma
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 10:04:31 AM
to this day, when i am wrong i try to promply admit it.i have made amends to many people,i have explained my wrongs the best i could.i have apolgized.my past is like a shade on a window,i can pull it open and take a peek,but i pull the shade back down again and go about my day.when i talk to another alkie i remember these ,not so proud things,they help me measure what i used to be like ,and what i am like now.i know that i could not have done these things without aa,i try to stay close with the fellowship.it works!..i'm tony...i'm an alcoholic
Member: Pam S
Location: NC
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 10:19:17 AM
Hi, Pam here alcoholic. I am constantly thinking about my past. I have been sober for 6 years and I still remember. I am beginning to think God wants me to remember. Maybe because I am overall a hard-headed b*tch. I had an extremely hard time quitting. I was an accomplished drunk. I had a mental/alcoholic block about my situation. I always thought everyone else was drunk too. Ot oh, not so. I was the only a-hole. Maybe for me, it's part of my recovery and the continuing memories are there so my mind doesn't go back to it's old ways. Thats just my story....and I'm sticking to it! ha ha Thanks for letting me share. One minute at a time + One hour at a time = ODAAT!
Member: Melissa B.
Location: Canada
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 12:12:28 PM
What a great topic, Jennifer, thanks...when I start drowning in my memories, all I can say to myself is "If God forgives me, who am I to not do the same?" To hold out on self-forgiveness is arrogance on my part. I'm human, I err all the time. A loving God forgives me. It doesn't matter how I FEEL, the TRUTH is that a loving God DOES forgive me and I am arrogant and prideful when I wallow in memories and refuse to grant myself the forgiveness that God gives so freely. I have a lot to learn. From Melissa, a grateful alcoholic.
Member: Mary Margaret H.
Location: Murrysville, PA, USA
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 12:13:26 PM
I think it is good topic, not the one I expected. A fellow at a face to face meeting last night said the topic was different but this is good. I got sober in May, 1977. I had a houseful of kids and some of the meals were disasters. But the fighting into the middle of the night were even worse when my kids had to hide under the beds in fear. Today those kids are all on their own and thanks to AA and Alateen those kids learned to heal. I very pround of how well they have done in spite of me. They remind me of my past, because I have quick forgetter, when I need it. There nothing like a reminder when that little devil sitting on your shoulder saying "You really where not that bad when you drank" At time God seems to send one of my kids by to visit and he or her says "Hey Mom do you remember when you did such and such (liking falling down the front steps)" I say a silent prayer, "Thank you, God". I assure you someday you will glad of those memories. "We will not regret the pastnor wish to shut the door on it." and No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will how our experience can benefit others." Pg 83 & 84 of the Big Book. Hang in there! This will happen to you too.
Member: Mike M
Location: Eastham MA
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 12:49:03 PM
I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic. What is the difference between a memory and a concionce. How fortunate we are who can feel feelings of guilt and remorse resulting from our wrong actions. I was advised to use caution examining my feelings. I did hurt people. I did things that were wrong. And my feelings about that were I think completely appropriate. Guilt, shame remorse. As others have shared, the AA program has put these things in perspective. I'm not proud of some of my past but have done what I can to make things right. Two times my mother found me unconcious and called an ambulance. Leaving the emergency room I could only feel sorry for myself. It was years later in AA I realized how selfish and uncaring I had been. I had lied, stolen and cheated. Booze worked it's magic less and less. I acted rotten and I felt rotten. I do feel a bit queasy now and then and a big part of the program is to find out where these feelings are coming from and take action. I still don't like to pay my bills but I like feeling as if my bills are paid so I pay my bills. It says "We will neither regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". Among the lies I told myself were "I'll quit drinking tomorrow" "I'm not afraid of any thing" And "I NEVER HURT ANYONE". The first truth I told was to the man who 12 stepped me. "I've been drinking every day for 6 years". Once I began to experience life unsedated I began to feel that baggage I was carrying around. It is with AAs' help that those haunting memories came first into focus then dealt with thruogh the steps. I am sure my mom remembers finding me in my near death state. I know how hurt she and others felt at the time. I'm sure some folks can remember what a liar cheat and theif I was. My past is still there. Always will be but my past now includes restitution, amends and, importantly, daily living that shows I am truly sorry for what I had done. I've been in AA 23 yrs. but in online AA just a few days. Thank you everyone for sharing and letting me share. God bless you all!!
Mike
Member: JANET LONELY
Location: ENGLAND
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 1:50:12 PM
HELLO MY NAME JANET I AM AN ALCOHOLIC I HAVE BEEN DRINKING FOR 5 YEARS AND I WANT TO END MY LIFE. I HAVE A 10 YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL. SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT I WAS BORN AN ALCOHOLIC AND IT IS VERY LIKELY MY CHILD IS ALCOHOLIC TOO. I AM FEELING SUICIDEL,SHE DESERVES MORE FROM LIFE. I HAVE ATTENDED 4 AA MEETINGS, SHORTLY AFTER I HAD A BREAKDOWN AND SPENT SOME TIME IN HOSPITAL I NEVER WENT BACK. I AM STILL DRINKING AND I WANT TO DETOX. MY GP IS UNSYMPATHETIC- HE SUGGESTS PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL, BUT THEY WOULD NOT HELP BECAUSE I DO NOT HEAR VOICES. I HAVE VISITED KEVORKIAN WEB SITE AND HE SEEMS TO HOLD THE ANSWERS. AS MOLLY IS NOT ABLE TO HELP. ARE THERE ANY ALCOHOLICS OUT THERE WITH A KIND WORD? JANET.
Member: JANET LONELY
Location: ENGLAND
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 2:20:59 PM
IT IS OBVIOUS THAT I AM NOT MAKING ANY SENSE. EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE SO LONG DOWN THE ROAD TO RECOVERY ( WHATEVER THAT MEANS) IT ALL SOUNDS SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS. I WANT TO BE WHERE YOU ARE NOW. ANYWAY, THIS IS NOT A CHAT LINE. SAY A PRAYER FOR ME. JANET.
Member: JANET LONELY
Location: ENGLAND
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 2:22:09 PM
IT IS OBVIOUS THAT I AM NOT MAKING ANY SENSE. EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE SO LONG DOWN THE ROAD TO RECOVERY ( WHATEVER THAT MEANS) IT ALL SOUNDS SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS. I WANT TO BE WHERE YOU ARE NOW. ANYWAY, THIS IS NOT A CHAT LINE. SAY A PRAYER FOR ME. JANET.
Member: Wouter
Location: Netherlands
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 2:32:05 PM
yes, this site is a good site, it is a medicine for me. I take it in regular doses. My feeling gides me. To Janet Lonely, Kevorkian is not the site to be, you should visit this site, you can go to the Archive and go search for a lot of good advise and sharing loving people.
Alcoholism is genetically impaired but there is also something known as free will. My old man is an alcoholic but I finally said to myself that I don't want to become like him and I was already on that hopeless track. So I quit a year plus a week ago, now I am forty, at thirty-nine a was a drinking timebomb, abusing myself with alcohol nicotine and pot, and abusing people who loved me. Als my then girlfriend. Still hurts, but I am strong now, no excuses and no selfregret.
Now I can look to my mirror-image and see myself as I wanted to be: sober with clear blue eyes with an intelligent look and white theeth.
You have to do only one thing: decide what you want. Be strong, peace to you Janet , and to the rest as well of course.
Thanks.
Member: Mike v
Location: Maple Valley, WA
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 3:39:37 PM
Hi I'm Mike and I am an alcoholic, "We will not regret the past or wish to shut to shut the door on it." The answers are in the book if we look for them. For me I need to always remember where I came from so I can know where I'm going. I think is important to remember, but we alcholics can easly fall into that self pitty trap. Get out of yourself and into others and use your stories to help someone else. That seems to work for me. To Janet, Get on the phone and call the local AA help line. Someone will be there to help you. God bless you all.
Member: Dan
Location: Canada
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 4:33:46 PM
Dan here, an alcoholic. Janet, if you want sobriety, you can have it a day-at-a-time like anyone else here. All you or I need to have is the desire to stop drinking. I urge you to keep going to face to face meetings, web sites are okay, but not enough, read the big book as much as you can, and get a real sponsor who can help you in recovery. I too have faced wanting to die, but today with my HP and help from my friends in AA, I am better, and know you can be too! Chin up girl, it gets better!
Member: RONNIE F.
Location: MICH
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 5:17:35 PM
NEW PROBLEM..ME MY 2 YEAR OLD HARDLY TALKS HE MAY BE AUTISTIC ASK ME IF IM F/UPPED OVER THIS ALL I THINK ABOUT IS MY LITTLE BABY WEVE GONE TO PROFESSIONALS, WERE IN THE SOLUTION, BUT NON THE LESS ITS AN OBSESSION...EEEEEEGAAAAAHHH WHY WHY WHY IM SOBER 8 YRS,. MY WIFE, 15 YRS STILL MAKING US CRAZY NEED SOME SERENITY ASAP PRAY MAYBE ITS NOT WHAT I THINK IT IS GOTTA GO..NEED A MEETING.NOW!
Member: Michael B.
Location: AZ
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 6:08:38 PM
Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober today only by the Grace of God and the Fellowship. Welcome to the newcomers! Thanks everyone for sharing!
I know the feeling, Jenifer, but that's part of recovery. Many of us expect progress without any emotional pain or discomfort. That's not realistic, though I wish it were.
Anyway, just keep taking the suggestions and don't pick up the first drink, and you'll find that good memories and good feelings slowly begin to replace all those bad ones us alcoholics are so familiar with.
PS. My prayers go out to all those who desperately asked for them.
Member: Rick D.
Location: Southeast
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 7:09:34 PM
Hi, Rick D. here! New member from last week. First, Janet Loney, we all care and your little girl love and needs you. I quit just last week. I was really down and out. I lost my wife, she left me. I'm better now. I set each day as my goal to do good. I've been eating good and finding something to do for myself each day to help feel better. No drinking!! Hey, check out your daughter and that smile. Isn't she great.
Cass, throw the beer out. I was keeping it around and therefore drinking it. I know what you mean about feeling like crap. If I drink it takes me about 3 days to feel better. It's not worth it. I won't drink tonight or tomorrow, how about you?
Jennifer, those feeling are hard to surpress, I've found it better to talk about them and keep them out rather than in. You can include talking about the GOOD things you do. we aren't perfect, but neither is the sober one who never drank. You sound like a really good person and I can tell you love your family. Be good to yourself and hey, look in the mirror and think about how far you have come.
This is a kool site to help feel better. Hope everyone does well this week. Prayers are with you all.
Fighting to recover in the southeast.
Member: KC D
Location: Seattle, WA
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 8:24:03 PM
Hi, KC, alcoholic - 6 days sober - I'm still here! :o) Wow, stuff from the past....well, as the case may be I only have to delve back to last Wed. - Doh! Anyhoo, one thing this made me think of is that I started drinking at like 15 or so? (I'm 30 now) and I notice that often my ability to deal with certain situations is kind of like I have an arrested development, like I can only deal with certain situations about as well as you could expect a teenager to, even though I am much older. So, I understand the "no regrets" part, and I agree with it, but I guess I regret (a little? a lot?) having chosen to drink all that time instead of learning to better deal with the world around me. If you have put it off for 15 years, ya know, that can overwhelm some. Anyway, that's what I came up with...
Member: kemi
Location: UK
Date: 7/25/00
Time: 9:00:31 PM
hello a lost soul here! spent too much in self-pity I want to wake up. I am young. I attended AA they gave me the great book. my tears did not end, I cried for my ragged soul. 5 years of madness I am ready to accept my higher power- but I don't understand what that is? Do I need to find my higher power to become well?, if not how can I stop myself from drowning
Member: JACK B
Location: PALO ALTO PA.
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 1:14:31 AM
Hi I am Jack a real alcoholic.Memories of what we have done, need not haunt us after we have worked thru step 9.Once we have cleaned up to the best of our ability our wreckage of the past, we need no longer live in it.My greatest strength is my past, if I ever forget it I am doomed to repeat it. I have learned to use my past as a means of strengtening my resolve not to ever repeat it.I can live with my past today,I don't live in. The solution to every problem in life is in the steps. Thanks for allowing me to share, and God Bless all on our amazing spiritual journey.
Member: CLIFFORD H
Location: TORRANCE CA USA
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 5:27:43 AM
GUILT CAN BE OUR FRIEND AND A GUIDE. THE BIGBOOK TELLS US TO NOT LIVE ON THE PAST OR TURN OUR BACKS ON IT. OUR MISTAKES CAN BE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH.THE BEST THING WE DO IS IN NOT DOING THOSE THINGS AND LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES BY WORKING THE STEPS,GETTING A SPONSOR, FINDING A LOVING GOD OF OUR OWN UNDERSTANDING AND TRYING TO GIVE SOME THING BACK TO LIFE AND THE NEWCOMER. THE MORE SEVERE OUR PAST THE MORE WE HAVE TO OFFER. LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR HIGHERPOWER.
Member: Chris H.
Location: Florida
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 1:30:25 PM
Hi all---Chris here --Alcoholic/addict/bulimic--Great topic and great meeting!!! Janet--keep going to meetings. Try to get past the egos and really hear what people are saying...There is real hope in this place..Jennifer---I sure undestand where you are comming from---I struggle with it every day..ONe of the most wonderful principles I have learned in this program is NOT to beat myself up over past and present mistakes. I finally am learning that it just wastes time and progress. If I am lamenting over the past, it is wasting the present , in which I could be growing, learning and changing (with my HP's help)...One of my favorite verses from the Bible is ,"He redeems the days the locusts have eaten." And let me tell you, the locusts have eaten lots in this addicts life, especiaLLY in regards to my kids...(18 and 21)..I have to continually remind myself that my HP is in control , not me...ANd as been said here before , HE can uses our mistakes for good....... This is not an easy thing to overcome,but this program has given me some wonderful tools with which to work. I do agree that the 4th and 5th steps are major in this process. Thanks everyone!!! See you next week!!
Member: Leslie M.
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 2:33:13 PM
Hi, Jenifer,
You have plenty of fellow AA's on this particular boat ... and it's always booked for a guilt trip. The memory that causes me the most pain is that of my daughter walking up the sidewalk to her school when she was in fifth grade, always with unkempt hair, often with dirty, rumpled clothing, and usually at least twenty minutes late for class. Why? Because in my active alcoholism, I was very, very negligent of my children, along with every all facet of my life. I couldn't be bothered with doing laundry in the evenings, or even cooking dinner for my kids, because I was too preoccupied with getting loaded while staring at re-runs of sitcoms on TV.
That's only one bad memory, but to me, it's the one that is the definitive mental snapshot of the sick things that I did under the influence of alcohol. This section from the Big Book may help you, as it helps me:
" There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could."
Also, I like this section from the Promises:
"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace ... we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."
I realize that while I was actively addicted to alcohol, I was under the influence of a terribly damaging illness. I do claim my actions, and admit without hesitation that I was wrong. I also am trying to make any and all amends as best I can. And while I can't change the past, I consider myself to be a sober woman of God today. And, I AM responsible for my actions of today ... one day, one action at a time. That's how I can serve my God, my family, and my brothers and sisters under the God of my understanding. It's a great blessing and a great source of peace for me.
Likewise, Jenifer, I wish you peace, joy, and serenity. You don't ever have to book another guilt trip, whether by plane, boat, or train ... in fact, you may find that your Higher Power has already voided your passport ... permanently!
God bless, Leslie M.
Member: Ray P
Location: Denver CO
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 5:16:55 PM
Hi everybody I!m Ray ...Real Alcoholic...dont let that ruffle yur feathers...to Kemi from the UK......Read and reread and reread the chapt to the agnostic in the BB.......God Bless you all and keep on keeping on!!!!!!!.
Member: Rhonda K.
Location: Derry, N.H.
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 6:31:46 PM
Hi I'm Rhonda and I'm an alcoholic. Another thought provocing topic. Although I don't have many 24 hrs. (8mos) I can forget easily some of the insanity I experienced. When this happens my higher power will always put somebody or something in my life to humble me. I have forgiven myself. I really don't want to forget that I am sober today because of my higher power. Just months ago I was angry, lonely, fearful, and crazy. I liked the comments about amends to family being a sober life. I know that I am a drink away from a drunk and all we have is todays sobriety, Hi Don from Londonderry. Great comments people. Newcomers and others keep going to meetingsand working the steps. For me not to would surely mean death.
Thanks for being here. Hi Charlie, I always enjoy your comments.
Member: Yvonne
Location: Scotland
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 6:50:30 PM
Dear Janet,
Reaching out for help here is the first big step. I know because I did it too 5 weeks ago. I was very lonely and isolated and terrified of going to an AA meeting. I met some wonderful, warm and freindly people here and for the first time inyears began to feel that people cared. Sharing here gave me the courage to start going to meetings and although I still find it hard I know that I would not have got this far without them as I had tried all the other ways. My psychiatrist 2 years ago told me I was not an alcoholic but just using drink to combat the depression. Well I just threw the antidepressants away and carried on with my "medication" of choice. I often felt suicidal as my lonliness had become so much a part of me I didn't know how to break through it. Please keep reaching out to people as you cannot do this alone. I phoned the AA helpline after coming here and they put me in touch with some other women who helped enormously. I found it hard opening up and admitting how desperate I was at first but they were always there for me. My e-mail is bernardeve@hotmail.com and if you want to send me a note I will happily give you my phone number if you want to talk. Just hang in there for yourself and for your daughter as though it's hard at first it does get better fairly quickly. Take Care
Love Yvonne
Member: Myrt H
Location: ny
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 7:52:30 PM
Hi im Myrt, Im new to this website, and i'm an alcoholic. 2 yrs in recovery. I've been having a terrible 2 weeks. my emotions are all over the place. I been feeling lately that i'm being taken advantage of at work. I might have poor me but i talk about these things to my husband and he agrees. I left work early today to take a break from it all. I feel lost inmyself. any suggestions? thank you , Myrt
Member: Becky P.
Location: Fl.
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 8:31:18 PM
Hi everyone!
Becky alkie here. A timely topic as I have been moving into the 4th and 5th step. The sleeplessness that came earlier in recovery has come back with a vengeance. Waking up in the middle of the a.m. I have flung myself on the floor and asked God to help me bear my actions. I have cried into the sheets night after night and I know that I am loved, but the guilt and anger needs an outlet. My sponser has me writing and I took to it like a duck to water. The first time I began to write, the episodes flowed out. I had to stop to go to work, so I printed the pages and read them later. Oh, how hard. That couldn't be me. It's hard to keep writing now because I want to pretnd that didn't happen and that person is not me, THIS is me and I want to slam and bolt that old door. It's now sheer discipline to keep writing and I can't do it before bed--the thoughts will keep swirling. I'll keep working at it though. Thanks for listening
Member: Larry
Location: Northern Minnesota
Date: 7/26/00
Time: 11:54:52 PM
Mryt Best thing to do would be to get to a meeting. Talk, share and hear others strengths, experiences and hopes. No better way to get out of you own problems than to focus on others, help others, pray for others. Also try praying. Just talk to God. One thing prayer does...is it changes me. I dont know if it changes anything physical in the world but it changes my mind, my attitude, my soul. Best medicine for an AA is to be in contact with other AAs. Best thing is face to face meetings but this site is good too. Keep coming back. God will do for you what you cannot do for yourself.
Member: jay c
Location: LA
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 12:18:14 AM
Hi i'm Jay C and i'm an alcoholic. I am just 13 days sober and coming off of my 6th meeting tonight. With that being said, I think I can relate to what you are going through Jennifer, all to well. It's a very sickening feeling to have, but as I reflect back to my drinking that feeling helps drive me to be more disciplined to try to adhere to the steps. I just feel that remembering where I came from (being drunk everyday) that those same feelings can help motivate me and help get me to where I want to be someday. We all have to face the fact that we are powerless and the struggle is a one day at a time process. When I get the types of feelings that you describe, I try to look to my Higher Power to help me through it. Like I said earlier I am new to AA, so I hope that this didn't sound stupid, but this is the first time I have discussed alcoholism, maybe one day I will have the guts to even share at a meeting, who knows......
My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone !!!
Member: rich r, slowly recovering compulsive person :-)
Location: Detroit MI
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 1:55:50 AM
Jenifer, thanks for the topic. Don't remember ever hearing this one before (at least in the 9+ years I've been around). My answer will come straight from my head (as usual) because I really don't want to feel the emotions around this topic. I 'THINK' the best way to handle those memories is by forgiving myself, possibly in step 8. Now I am going back and read what everyone else said. Thanks for the topic, good one!
Member: Rick H
Location: Maryland
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 3:45:57 AM
Hello everyone.Jennifer i think its not so much where we have been its where we are going.I don't really know what to say but i can tell you all my heart goes out to each and evryone of you.I don't really feel my pain but i do feel everyone elses.I wish everyone the strenth to accomplish there goals and dreams.
Member: rollins r
Location: rochester nh
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 3:48:40 AM
im not sure what im writing here i think i may just be venting i was in the program before but in for the wrong reasons i was there for everyone else but myself and since i was back out there it seemed worse than the first time waking up in pc not knowing what had happend to me wich brought me to where i am right now i have 2 weeks of sobriety and im feeling good about but im still scared to step into the meetings for some reason i feel i failed the last time but i know that this time i wanna do it right with a sponsor and all cause i think i finally relize that i cant do it alone i cant go out that one more time for old time sakes cause it my be my last night living i have been through alot from my dinkin but most i do not remeber and that scares me im not sure of what point im trying to make but i guess im venting caus ethe weekend is coming and that is a hard time for me and it seems to be getting harder with 2 weeks under my belt i just need to toughen up and walk through the doors to where my true friends are well i hope someone can relate to what im thinking and my words of wisdom to all is ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!
Member: Jean C.
Location: LA
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 8:16:58 AM
Hi, I'm Jean & I'm an alcoholic.
What a great topic! I did some things when I was an active drinker that just made me cringe, and now as I am beginning to work the 4th step, they're all coming back to me. I can't tell you how much it helps to know that everybody else has these memories too. And it really does help me to remember these things when a "trigger" comes and I want to pick up a drink...I'm only one drink away from that person that did those things I am ashamed of.
Rick D., I'm so glad to see the change in your share in just one week! Keep coming back--every week gets a little bit better.
Cass, throw out that beer and go to a meeting. The first few days are really hard, but it is just amazing how much easier life is without a hangover. And waking up every single day without having done anything embarrassing the night before is a fine thing!
Wouter: happy birthday, and congratulations.
Ronnie F., I'll send my prayers for a favorable diagnosis. I also know several people whose kids have autism, I think there is a lot more known about this condition than 20 years ago. Don't panic--there's a wide range of what is defined as "autistic" and kids with mild/moderate autism can function just fine with some help.
Kemi--It took me a long time to find my Higher Power, and I finally realized that you don't have to understand it in order to accept it. I also realized that it is OK to change your conception of your Higher Power as you come to understand it a little bit better. Some people start by making AA their Higher Power. I started out by visualizing what the Buddhists call "discerning awareness"--that quietness inside you when the ego finally stops talking. Now I can call my Higher Power "God" and know a little what I think that means--but it sure doesn't feel like the punishing God that I have heard people talk about in some churches. So take your time and keep talking to your Higher Power even if you don't understand it. The only person who has to accept it is you, and accepting it can keep you from drinking.
Peace to all, and I apologize for getting a little off the topic.
JEAN
Member: Granny S.
Location: Marthasvineyard USA
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 8:53:38 AM
Thanks,Jennifer, for a very good topic and many thanks to everyone for the caring, heartfelt constructive responses. I think those of you who are in pain and cared enough about themselves to reach out for help can feel hopeful that they are now on the path to recovery! You have taken action! I have always liked the saying "we are not bad people trying to get good---we are sick people trying to get well". If I consider my past and the shame I feel about it...the regret I feel about hurting my children and other loved ones..as the dues I paid to get where I am today [27 yrs later...I was 47 when I came in after 30 years out there leaving much wreckage] it helps me. That's what it took to convince me that I finally had enough. The big turning point was when I decided I was worth saving! That change of attitude was the first day of the rest of my life! The words hopelessness and despair seem to be gone from my vocabulary. I can have a bad situation in my life still but it is NOT my life [bad things can happen to good people] and I usually can say "How important IS it?!" and get it into perspective and try to use the Serenity Prayer on it: Can I change it? Yes? Then take action. No? Then accept that. [not easy...the wisdom to know the difference is elusive!!] But I do like the concept that our past is our greatest asset simply because it convinced us that we needed [and were entitled] to save our own lives by reaching out for help. This above all to thine own self be true. I also liked the positive thought that our past includes some good things we did...and for me 3 children who got off of drugs and alchohol themselves in time to produce 10 grandchildren for me to enjoy [ALL of us straight and sober] much love to you all. We are the fortunate ones!Thank you Lord. Granny
Member: Mike V
Location: Maple Valley, WA
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 9:34:53 AM
Hi I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic, Rollins---many of us have been in and out the door of AA. I have always been welcomed back and there has always been someone that wanted to help. The key is that we need to want to help ourselves. You are on the right track. Go to a meeting, find a sponser, and let God do for you what you cannot do for yourself.God bless you all.
Member: Kay H
Location: Maine
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 9:42:06 AM
Thanks to you all for sharing your experience, strength and hope. I have forgiven myself for my past actions, but have chosen not to forget them... they remind me WHY I choose not to drink today. But I do not re-live them as I used to. I realizd that by going over and over the incidents in my mind that I was using up the energy that I need to live sober and serene. I found the following to be helpful: I wrote down in detail the incidents that I was most ashamed of. Those that came back to haunt me in the middle of the night. I took the pages out into my garden, burned them, and then worked the ashes into the soil. To me, the act was symbolic of how I need to use my past (the ashes) to grow. Now when those things incidents come into my mind I am able to say to myself, "Yes, that is not a time I am proud of. But it led me to sobriety. And it helps me to live sober, each day." Peace to all of us.
Member: Sandy B.
Location: Colorado
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 12:45:02 PM
Wow -- great topic & thanks to everyone for sharing things I can use today to stay sober! Timely topic for me, too, as I have many bad memories of drinking & driving with my young son & playmates, plus other sordid behavior.
Today my son is of age and out of contact with me. I don't know why, but I trust my HP to bring my son back into my life on HP's schedule, not mine. I hope that, by the time that happens, I will have done the work that is mine to do in the meantime. That's about fear, anger, expectations, and hurt feelings -- good thing I have Step 4 &5, my trusty notebook & plenty of close-mouthed friends & meetings!
As others have mentioned, my past is what got me where I am today. If it helps another alcoholic to identify, then it's useful to someone besides me.
Today I believe "nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by accident," and that God can use anything for good, including my (and others) bad choices. That doesn't mean I am not responsible, but that I can trust God to be more powerful than whatever I do, or whatever anybody else does.
Someone with more time than me told me, "It's better to trust God and love people than the other way around."
Thanks for letting me share & I'll keep coming back.
Member: suzanne.D
Location: CANADA
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 6:18:40 PM
My name is Sue; sober for almost two years;its not easy .but its wort it; am greatful today to be sober and a special thank you ;for having goods friends ,i can share my problemes whith am not alone AA help me deal whith life ,an d am reily thankful today for all these poeples my life had change for the the better.i wish all of you a great day; or another 24 hours or another minute .we care sue
Member: suzanne.D
Location: CANADA
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 6:18:48 PM
My name is Sue; sober for almost two years;its not easy .but its wort it; am greatful today to be sober and a special thank you ;for having goods friends ,i can share my problemes whith am not alone AA help me deal whith life ,an d am reily thankful today for all these poeples my life had change for the the better.i wish all of you a great day; or another 24 hours or another minute .we care sue
Member: Craig L
Location: Portland, OR
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 7:30:09 PM
I'm Craig and I'm an alcoholic. I’m currently working on my second formal fourth step and I’m facing events and parts of myself, which sicken me when I remember things I did, before and during my using career. I’m reminded of a T-shirt I saw that read “Instant AH just add alcohol”. That was me. Every time I feel my gut tensing because of past events. I pause and ask God for help and courage in confronting my old behaviors. I expect and know I will get guidance, because I am no use to God or my fellows if I get stuck in the horrors of my wreckage and myself. I have some true joy in my life these days, which I know I will continue to find so long as I continue the program of AA, which means for me, service to others, attending meetings, talking to my sponsor and asking God for guidance in accomplishing this daily.
Member: GREGG G.
Location: KENNEWICK, WA
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 7:48:02 PM
Member: Dave H
Location: Madison Wisc
Date: 7/27/00
Time: 10:29:12 PM
Jennifer, I read your posting a number of days ago and it has stuck with me. I appreciate your submitting the topic. It has reminded me that I am not terminally unique. I liked Leslie M's boat analogy. For me I still need you all to guide me to the right dock. AA is my safe harbor. I attended the international in Mpls Minn and was reminded that life goes on and it is a one-day-at-a-time effort with others (the "We") who help to restore me into a healthier thinking. Thank you all very much. Your friend Dave
Member: Corinne B.
Location: Camino, CA
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 12:04:40 AM
Hi Jenifer - great topic. What really helped me with shame & guilt was a book by John Bradshaw "Healing the Shame that Binds You." I happened to be reading it at the same time I worked my most recent 4th Step and was in the part of the book that correlated directly with Step 4 (amazingly enough)! What I learned in that book were things that I never realized about family dynamics. Most of all, I learned the importance of forgiveness. Not only forgiveness of others, but also forgiveness of self. It kind of goes along the lines of that saying, we can't expect others to love us until we learn to love ourselves. Well, we can't expect to really know how to forgive others until we forgive ourselves, too. We're only human, doing the best we can with what we've been given to work with.
I ask my HP every morning to help me be the person he would have me be in his world today, so that I may be able to help whomever it is he may need me to help in his world today (my version of the 3rd Step Prayer, which I also say each morning). It has been a long time since I dealt with those old memories cropping up too often, and I attribute that to placing my energy and focus on the needs of others instead of on myself so much. I didn't get that my first time in AA and am so grateful I had that spiritual awakening during the working of Steps 2&3 this time. It's not all about me this time, I'm here to stay sober so that I can help someone else learn how to stay sober, too.
Member: jenifer d
Location: canadian
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 1:37:29 AM
I need to respond. When I saw that I was first I couldn't believe it. I thought that it was some sort of glitch and the site was down! But if I ever find myself in first place again I will leave it for someone else. Why? Because I want another to feel what I have felt all week reading these posts. If I wasn't alchoholic I would never have come to a site like this and I would never have know the amount of caring and sharing that human beings are capable of. I will keep these posts and read them often when things get hard. I read some sad posts too this week from people who are desperate. If any of them are still following the page I would like to say to them, 'You are in touch with wonderful folk now, and if you stay around you will feel peace.' I just want to say, 'Thank you from my heart, for your responses, you'll never know what this has meant to me. jenifer. About the double post, I just had to do it!
Member: Ralph N
Location: NYC
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 1:43:37 AM
Good topic, Jennifer. Wish I could help out with this one but this is an area that I also have some trouble with. I do know this, higher power notwithstanding, it takes an extraordinary amount of courage for someone to face up to his/her demons. For most, this is a daily struggle for a long time. Often, it seems easier to focus on the damage instead of the healing. The damage is done. Time for the healing. ALLOW YOURSELF TO HEAL! Feelings of low self esteem can motivate us to drink and keep us drinking. If by the grace of god, we quit drinking, those same feelings can stop us from enjoying forgiveness, healing, and freedom. You should understand that you have as much right to these liberating forces as I or any other person on this planet. Good luck with your recovery. Ralph
Member: Kim S.
Location: Michigan
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 10:34:06 AM
Hi all! Alcoholic named Kim, here. Great topic, Jennifer & great responses people. I, too, was unable to let go of fear, guilt, & remorse until after working the steps. 4 & 5 helped me see that I was not as horrible person as I thought I was. My sponsor shared some/most of those same experiences. 8 & 9 are where I clean up the wreackage of my past & in so doing, can let go of the guilt associated with it. The Promise of 'we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it' comes after the 9th step in the BB & came true for me then, as well.
Self-forgiveness is the hardest part, but an old-timer I respect greatly asked me when I struggled with it...do you believe your HP has forgiven you...my response...yes, I asked, He gives...his next question was...what makes you think you are better than He?...
Today, I can freely share the events of my past with those who need to hear that they aren't unique...been there, done that. I am a sick person learning to live a healthy life...not a bad person trying to be good. My past is exactly the road I had to travel to get here & here is the best life I know (mistakes & all!) I got this at AA meetings, hearing about other peoples' pasts. If I hadn't done the things I did, I couldn't be the person I am & I like ME today! What a wonderful gift sobriety is. What a wonderful reminder (my past is) of who I don't ever want to be again.
For those new and/or struggling...Janet, Cass, Kemi...put down the bottle, pick up the phone, go to meetings, take the suggestions & the steps, and life WILL get better! I. like everyone else, still go through hard times, but with the steps & the fellowship, I don't have to build new regrets, get drunk, or do it alone.
A safe & sober 24 to all. Thanx for letting me share.
Member: Kent W
Location: Houston
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 11:53:04 AM
Kent, alcoholic here. I am new in the program, and have a great deal of wreckage in my past. My sponser tells me to stay sober, and go to meetings. I am not at a place in my sobriety, to deal with all that. I have to live just one day at time. Staying sober today IS the best way I can deal with me. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Karen M
Location: SE of Seattle
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 11:57:15 AM
I'm delighted to have found you all. I'm on Day 1--again--So I'll just listen.
Member: Beth H.
Location: Ontario, Canada
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 12:15:24 PM
Hi all! I'm Beth, and I am an alcoholic. First, sorry for the double post last week. Second, thanks Jenifer for a very timely topic. I had ten days sober last week and blew it all on the day I intended to go to my first face-to-face meeting. Self-sabotage is one of my strong points, a long memory apparently isn't. Why would I need to create more shameful memories when I already have so many? I'd like to think that those memories will help me stay sober, but more often I just beat myself up with them. Well, I'm back to Day One, and I'm just hoping that the list of shame in my head will not get any longer. And it helps me to repeat my favourite saying: "I am as my Creator made me, and as He is satisfied, so am I." Thanks everyone - this site has been a real lifesaver! And hi to all my fellow hosers!
Member: Pam C.
Location: Arizona
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 12:44:15 PM
Pam, alcoholic. A.A. and the Big Book gave me a new perspective on my past. When it says our past is our greatest possession, why? because we might be able to help someone else identify and find this way of life. One of the promises talks about "how our experience can benefit others."
I was also told that I was sick not bad and it's how I live my life today after taking all 12 steps that matters.
To stay in the past is one way I can beat myself up and have increased low self-worth which in turn feeds my disease and pretty soon I can decide I'm not worth it and will drink again.
Thank you.
Member: JANET LONELY
Location: UK
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 1:06:13 PM
SORRY FOLKS, It's Janet Lonely again I know this is not a chat/helpline, but please just this once. I want to say thank you Yvonne I believe there is a new begining, AA will help me achieve my dream, This is life for me today- I am an alcoholic, I need to detox, despite my best efforts I can't get into rehab. My community rehab officer will not detox me at home because I have a child. She is due to spend the holidays with her father in 10 days from now. I know that that is'nt a great deal of time, but I have decided to go cold turkey I can not last one day let alone one week. The sweat is pouring out of me like last nights thunder storm, and parkinsons has nothing on what my body is going through right now,( know desrespect) My little lamb (my girl) keeps looking at me strange- god I feel so ashamed. Can anyone suggest what I can take for my detox?-remedies-vitamins. I am all alone right now and I am confident that I can get through this. People say the first 24hours are the worst,if that is true I will make it through the weekend so I CAN attend AA. No more self pity- just want to get well.
I love you all. Thank you for your help. EDGY LONELY JANET
Member: JL
Location: The Beach, California
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 1:14:41 PM
I don't want my past to go away. That would be foolish. I want the results of what I did to others and myself in my past to heal. But what I want and what I can learn from who I am, what I did and whom I hurt are very different things. I have to learn from the past, or I will repeat it. I have to apply spiritual principles in my life today. I have to be willing to change so that the changes that are coming are beneficial and healing. I know that the changes do occur, I see it in every meeting of AA. With a few days sober all these "terrible" things that I did came roaring back to conscious thought. OUCH. If it hurts me, I can just imagine how I must have spread the hurt pretty far and wide around me. Loved ones, friends, total strangers, even inanimate objects in my path were part of my destruction. I did not really feel the emotional turmoil I had caused while causing it. I knew it on an intellectual level, but with a little alcohol removal I got in touch with my feelings and that scared me to death. There were so many instances, that anyone who has drank for a long time will also have a quantity to dredge up. At first for me that was overwhelming. When I could get quiet, I began to see a theme or groups of themes running out of control throughout my past. Keeping a journal and taking steps one, two and three allowed me to pull up some past behaviours for evaluation in the light of sobriety. Simple yes, but not easy. By reading the BB and 12x12 and doing an inventory I allowed myself to look at my past, learn from it and begin healing myself in the process. The results are truly amazing. I hardly dwell on my past, and have made some amends by example and through direct conversation. But once in awhile I get that knee jerk reaction when something I did or said comes to mind, and I say to myself "holy mackerel" and get on with living in the present as soon as possible. For me it is now about what I am going to do today, not what I did yesterday.
Jennifer your second post brought tears to my eyes.
Spell our your days with a grammar of gratitude. Be thankful for all your blessings.
Member: Joni M.
Location: Los Angeles
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 2:41:00 PM
Hi, my name is Joni and I'm an alcoholic and addict. I have been in AA for a year and a half and have been a recurring relapser; which I think was largely due to my past and the acidic guilt I always carry around. It hasn't been until recently that I have been able to forgive myself for past selfish actions and really understand why I did the things I did. I realize now that a lot of it was not my fault and that I was born with a terrible disease. I have also learned through AA that I can forgive myself but also take responsibility for these actions. I know that I can not fix it all in one day, but what I have been trying to do as of late is do the best I can for today. I have applied this in my work place, at home and in my relationships, and I have been pleasantly surprized by how quickly things can change for the better just by using the steps as a tool with my sobriety and with my life.
Member: DonF
Location: nh
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 2:43:47 PM
Janet, glad you're on the way back, and please forget about Kevorkian. He has a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Spiritual growth is the way back to a better life, without despair and hopelessness. I used to love things and use people. AA taught me the meaning of spirituality, which I couldn't get in church, not because there was something wrong with church, but because there was something wrong with me. I am an alcoholic. I always will be, but I can have another day of sobriety if I maintain my spiritual CONDITION, which means I concern myself with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control, as contrasted with my former concerns of ambition, prestige, partying, drunkenness, lust, anger, jealousy, envy, greed, and dabbling in spiritISM like astrology. I heard this in Galatians 5, but I didn't GET IT until I hung around these halls for a few years....
Member: RVB
Location: Los
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 7:59:52 PM
Hi I'm RVB and I'm an alcoholic. When I first got sober I was a single mom with a 6 year old boy. I could handle all the memories of my past because they usually involved two consenting adults. But what about the things I put my son through? I would cry to my sponser because the longer I stayed sober, the more I started to remember. How do you tell a child your sorry? How do you live with yourself with the memories of the things you've done to them and put them through? My sponser tried to explain to me that there was nothing I could do to change the past. But, the way that I could make ammends to my child, was to stay sober on a daily basis. For each day that I stayed sober, it wiped out a day with my son that I was drunk or loaded. Now my son will be turning 14 next month. Each day that I look at him, it reminds me how far I have come. We can now laugh about my past together. My son also has a good example to look back to on how you affect those around you when you are an alcoholic and not in recovery. I hope he can learn from my mistakes but if not, at least he has grown up in AA and knows where to go if he needs it.
Member: SM
Location: Quebec
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 8:20:49 PM
Don't look to the past, it isn't there. Don't live for the future, it will not come... I guess that leaves one option....
Member: Sherry M
Location: Placerville CA
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 9:22:28 PM
Sherry, Alcoholic,. . . . and many other things but alcoholism is my ism. Good topic. Surrender has been the name of the game for me lately. Surrender in A A means not only giving up what we can not keep, but looking forward to a new beginning. So. . .When ever I am reminded of my past, as each of us are from time to time, I remember Gods Mercy and Grace. I am a new creation in sobriety. I have a ten year old daughter. My baby. She does not remember me drunk. My other children do. I can rest knowing that as long as I am sober, I am making amends for the wrongs I did to them years ago. God's grace covers me. I have been given a chance at life and sober to boot!! HEE HAW !!! I love this program. It gave me LIFE!!!
Member: David
Location: Boston MA
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 10:24:57 PM
David Alcoholic Sometimes remembering the past is really a blessing. If I didn't feel remorse for my past actions, or remember the pain of my active alcoholism, I might think it wasn't so bad and decide I can have just one! The hard part is learning to live with it, not in it. That is where the steps come into play. Thanks to all for listening. Dave W
Member: Brenda W.
Location: SJB, California
Date: 7/28/00
Time: 11:09:01 PM
Remorse for the past? We all have some bad memories of "those days". I try to not be so hard on myself and live for the present. If God has forgiven me, who am I to not forgive myself? I am able to do that because I am not the same person.
Member: Jeannette R.
Location: Louisiana
Date: 7/29/00
Time: 12:09:59 AM
Jeannette, a very grateful recovery alcoholic. I do not ever want to forget what alcohol did to me or the insane things it made me do. This helps me to remember where I do not want to return. I know that I have a choice today and as long as I remember where I've been, I will stay focused on where I am today, sober. The most important think for me to remember is that only by the Grace of God am I sober tonight and able to share this gift of sobriety that I have, and only going through what I have been through can I be grateful for what I have today.
Member: Harry K.
Location: United Kingdom
Date: 7/29/00
Time: 9:40:37 AM
Thank you for an excellent topic Jennifer. I'm Harry an alcoholic. I've done many things causing others alot of harm and grief over the years. After 7 1/2 years of sobriety and working the steps and helping others along the way, I've been able to reconcile much of this. But I am not immune. Sometimes a song on the radio or even a glance at someone who closely resembles an ancient memory is enough to evoke feelings of guilt and remorse. What I do today is go to a meeting, call a friend or get on line to this meeting. I know then that I am not alone and that in spite of myself, I become acceptable. You guys dont reject me, invalidate my feelings or cut me down. More importantly, I get to do the same when another bears their pain. It's when I am involved with the fellowship and my sobriety I know I'm not alone. "I'm Harry an Alcoholc" and you guys love me. I love you all as well.
Member: Theresa S.
Location: Des Moines, IA
Date: 7/29/00
Time: 2:28:57 PM
Hi,
I am Theresa and I am an alcoholic.
Great topic!
I really liked what JL said about not wanting the past to go away. I need to keep it there as a reminder of where I have been!
I also liked hearing from a lot of the mom's here about the pain of having had their kids see them drunk.
I only have one daughter, she is 19 now and away at college. She was the one who got my behind into AA!
I embarrassed her in front of her friends when she was young. Because I would be drunk when they came by after the football game. She was a cheerleader, and I would always go to the games! But I had to leave at half time, because I couldn't stay longer. I needed to go home and have my beer!
The knowledge that I hurt her and embarrassed her stings! But I don't want to forget it. Because I did it, and that is what go me going to AA!
I am just starting working on my fourth step. I am having a hard time with it, as I know most people do!
If any one has any tips or hints, I would appreciate them!
Member: Bonnie C - 5/30/80
Location:
Date: 7/29/00
Time: 6:39:47 PM
Hi extended family, bonnie/alcoholic here (((ROOM-HUG))) a heartfelt welcome to all that are new to this site or AA, a heartfelt thank you to all that share themselves with me on a reg basis here ((jenifer)) great topic, These are just a few of the healing things that have been shared with me on this topic, from many wonderful people. "Just know that you did the best you could, with what you had or you would have done it better, You weren't malicious, you were surviving, do things a little differently, to try and change unacceptable behavior, make amends to those you hurt (while surviving), without expectations, We're not bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well. Make a bunch of signs that say SCREW GUILT and place them all over your home, Alot of times we feel responsible for things that couldn't possibly have been in our control. (like if I would have been a better kid, my parents wouldn't have divorced, (dad's affairs didn't help) (why did she stay?) If I would have been a better daughter, my mother wouldn't have been so miserable (her many suicide attempts) eventually causing cancer and her giving up the will to live, her death. I felt responsible for it all, I got married at 15 to escape the horror but then had 2 children by the time I was 17 and by 18 he left and was raising those babies on my own only to be back in that home with the sicidal mother, more guilt at making her life unsettled, my kids got the brunt of my fear, anger, rage. Not knowing how to be a kid and a mom at the same time in the insanity of my life, feeling so guilty, marrying the wrong guy to give my children a father, cheating all of us eventually, looking for love in alllll the wrong places, booze couldn't even be blamed for most of this as it was done before I started drinking, but the alcoholic behavior was so evident). more things people shared that saved me "People with self worth don't make the mistakes that you did, why didn't you have self worth? Progress not perfection. Learn to be patient with yourself, you didn't get sick overnight and you won't get well overnight, no matter if your ego tells you that you should know how to do it better or you should be farther by this time. Stop judging your insides by others outsides, they only show you what they want you to see, that may not be the whole truth. Know your own truth. Read 449thru452 daily along with 60thru63, find out what is your part and what will heal the hurting of those we did hurt, What you put out there, you will get back. the old reap what you sow is so true. Put good stuff out there and see what happens, without expectations. Clear the wreckage and start living, Stay sober, work the steps over and over and acquire boundaries and principles that help save you from past errors in judgement thus keeping ones ass from the perverbial sling. All I can say is that somehow this beaten kid with bad judgement & unacceptable behavior came into a program that helped expose my powerlessness to most things that happened in my life with my programing and thru you people and God, my life has taken on a new richness & meaning. My principles and boundaries are in place and I don't sabbotage myself very often. loving is easy today, without expectation. The shame and guilt are gone. (they make momentary appearances when I have an amends to make but those are helpful guides that get my attention and help me take the steps necessary to clear that from my side of the street so I can once again pick my head up and walk with dignity and grace, knowing I am one of God's kids and He loves me very much as flawed as I am. The truth is my friend. Reach out and hang onto this program with all that's in you and acquire the Freedom and Joy that I have found here. It's yours for the taking (working) All that's necessary for me to do is not pick up a drink when the desire is so bad my whole being hurts, pray, wait for the obsession to pass, (one day the obsession disappeared and has never been back) work the steps, clean up my side of the street, wait for the miracles that follow. Sittin here today enjoyin the miracles and still workin the steps. funny how that works. I love God and AA - you are AA. thank you dear hearts. Dear God please bless all who venture here. love and hugs, bon -- bonzoc@webtv.net
Member: ~deb
Location: NW
Date: 7/30/00
Time: 12:46:36 AM
Janet~ You could die trying to detoxify yourself. Do you have ANYONE who could watch your daughter while you get to hospital as soon as possible? Please call someone, anyone, preferrably AA. They will find someone to help you. In the meantime drink as much water as you can and take as much vitamin C as you can. It's impossible to O.D. on C as the excess is excreted in your urine. Be good to yourself. God loves you, and so do we. ~deb
Member: Bruce J.
Location: Central Texas
Date: 7/30/00
Time: 2:04:34 AM
My name is Bruce and I AM an alcoholic.This is my first online meeting.I found it because I went to my regular group for a meeting and only 4 of us showed up,so the other three people left.I stayed and read Dr.Bob And The Good Oldtimers which I had just bought last week.After 5 years sober I had quit going to meetings except on my birthday to get my chip.I was at Six Flags and in line to buy a hotdog and before I knew it I had bought a beer and chugged it down.I drank two more over the next two hours before I snapped to what I was doing.Nothing worse than a head full of AA and a belly full of beer!!!I went to a meeting the next day and "confessed my sin",getting a new desire chip.That was 36 days ago and it has been HELL!The craving returned which I had been free of for nearly 5 years.I vowed to make at least 1 meeting a day for 90 days,so I am truly grateful to have found this online group! As for the topic Jennifer,many people before me have given the answer.The relief that comes after the 4th and 5th steps is wonderful!I'm starting another 4th step myself.Great to "be" her,Great to be sober.Thanks
Member: michael l
Location: willamette valley
Date: 7/30/00
Time: 11:49:09 AM
dear jen and family, Id rather eat at your house than jack in the box. We all can look back and find things to be ashamed of. The present is the key to the future through mind, body and spirt enhancement.
Member: Anonymous
Location:
Date: 7/30/00
Time: 5:14:31 PM
In consideration of the topic here discussed it is part of a new freedom and happiness that brings about the seeking after the praise of God rather than the praise of men or the world. Up untill the renewing of our minds comes about however the pride of life often enters in to our everday lives and our integriety is outward rather than inward. After once this change comes about one finds himself caring very little if he is judged by another for now it is with God he has to do. If so and so is your boss then it's so and so you try to please, and when we find that new employer of the which the program speaks we no longer care what so and so has to say or think, for it's no longer with him we have to do. No one likes to look foolish but in this it matters a great deal just who's name sake we are trying to uphold, ours or God's. This all sounds kinda deap but I was in such a mood this day, good luck to you; and what I say is true.
Member: Doug M
Location: Los Angeles
Date: 7/30/00
Time: 6:35:09 PM
I've read lots of good posts and really get a lift from this site. I'm housebound with a broken leg and have plenty of time for guilt and shame! I have to identify it for what it is, diseased thinking. Steps 4 & 5 and 8 & 9 have helped me spot this when it comes up. I have to "get out of self" somehow and be of service to free myself when it's very bad. Good luck to those who are new, and welcome. This program is a miracle. Keep signin" on no matter what.
Member: Charlie Darling
Location: Maine via Key West
Date: 7/30/00
Time: 7:53:48 PM
Hi Family Charlie here and a very grateful recovering alcholic, I don't know if I will be the first one here this week or not but I have been really reading the BIG BOOK as it helps. They used to tell me when something is upsetting you or bothering you you will find the answer in the BIG BOOK all you have to do is open it up to any page at random, well today I opened it up and I turned to how it works, and boy it helped me to remember when I first came into the rooms of AA i was asked to read that at every meeting, and it does work. I have just over 3 years and have been struggling these past few months have had me in a tail spin, but I have been really sticking to this sight it gets me through every day, and I keep coming back as I want more sobriety, and I thank my Hp every second of every day for keeping me sober just for today. And thank you Family for giving me your ESH I love you all Charlie
Member: DEB
Location: MIDWEST
Date: 7/30/00
Time: 9:46:27 PM
Hi Janet, Deb here addicted to everything. It's true, i'm very compulsive in nature. I've been reading the posts all week and i'm very concerned about you! I really want you to feel better, and i sense you want that too! I've been in and out of the AA program for about 10 years. It started 10 years ago when i knew my drinking was out of control but i didn't know how to stop. I was a woman, and there was NO way i was going to admit that i was an alcoholic. After all, i still went to work everyday and carried on like most NORMAL people did. The more i considered myself to have a problem the more i drank. I know now that i purposely drank myself to insanity and to the depths of despair so that maybe others could see that i really did need help. Maybe if they saw something then maybe i could admit that indeed i was alcoholic. Anyway, i checked myself into a treatment program, leaving behind a husband and 10 year old daughter. It was the best thing i had ever done for myself. I practiced the program faithfully, started gaining weight, eating healthy going to meetings, and for the first time in a long time began liking myself. I stayed sober for 44 days, and then it was Christmas---just two drinks won't hurt me-BAM--off i went. The past 9 years i continued practicing how to drink-stop-and go to AA. It just doesn't work very well when you know AA is there to help you, and your not trying to help yourself. The progression of the disease is certain! Once again i drank myself ALMOST to insanity, then prayed for God to carry me until i could walk. There was no way i was going to go into treatment again and i prayed for the strength to detox on my own....but i was scared. I first called a therapist who told me to get to AA immediately. She also gave me a book, which i highly recommend. THE RECOVERY BOOK by Al J. Mooney, M.D. It's called a life-saving guide that answers all the questions and concerns of recovering alcoholics and addicts. I then in desperation called a doctor i had never been to before and almost demanded that i be seen ASAP. They got me in the following day, and i spilled my guts. Told him my past, and that i was about to have a nervous breakdown from the abuse of the alcohol, and to please help me, because i needed to do this on my own. He took my blood pressure(had the shakes pretty bad) and it was sky high(from the alcohol withdraw). He prescribed me Catapres for that, and told me to continue with my vitamins but include some folic acid,(for the brain cells). He then had me coming in every day to make sure my BP was stabilized. I think that the Catapres also had something to do in the event of DT's, which thank God never happened. I also went the 9 yards and had them draw blood and had other tests run on LIVER,etc, because i was very concerned about my health at that point. So there is something for you to think about if you can't get into treatment right away. I agree with whoever said Don't Do This Alone. Depending on where you were at with your drinking, you never know what could happen. Seek a doctor, and be totally honest. And for goodness sake get to as many meetings as you can. There is a network of people out there willing to help you get better, me included! I am only 100 days sober Janet, so i'm no expert, but i do know that i have decided to turn my negative compulsions into positive solutions, and for me that means hanging out with the winners in AA. I do wish you and Molly well, please don't give up on yourself, you're a pretty special person, and we need you too! You'll be in my prayers--Take Care, One Day- One Hour- One Minute at a time...HUGS--DEB. Is your daughter's name Molly? Forgive if i got it wrong!
Member: Tricia B.
Location: WI
Date: 7/30/00
Time: 11:26:50 PM
Hi Jenifer- remember Rule 62- don't take yourself so seriously. Have heard a similar story and it is only at meetings that we learn to laugh at things like that and ourselves. Laughter has been a very healing thing for me lately. However, more serious (i.e. lifethreatening) incidents are harder to work through. I ran into a former boss/sponser Fri nite and she reminded me of the night 7 years ago when she came to get my daughter (who was 1 month old) for the night because the police had been called and they said I couldn't keep her. (don't understand why, I only blew a .24- HA!) It was one of the most embarassing moments I have had- and I had to relive it two nights ago. I guess I realize it is important to remember where we came from- I fought it for so long- but as the issues come up, I deal with the feelings by talking to my sponsor, sharing with others and looking for other outlets such as this. The promises state "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" and that will happen in time. Unfortunately it is God's time, not ours (or I would have wanted it all removed instantly and then I would not need to keep coming back) So, keep talking- pain shared is pain lessened. Wishing you another 24 hours.