Member: Tom M.
Location: Homosassa, Fl
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 8:27:57 AM
Hi everyone my name is Tom M and I am a Grateful recovering Alcholic. I guess I am the first one This week if not then go with the first topic. Other wise I think "Making Amends" is always one that seems to get some good conversation going. I know it was one of the hardest thing I had to do too. Because some would not accept my attempt. I think a lot of us have to face this. So unless some one else has a burning desire lets talk about some of the problems we have had and how we handeled it. God Bless and thanks for letting me share. Tom
Member: sunny s
Location: New Bedford, Ma.
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 11:07:34 AM
This was the step that I was going to refuse to do. I was not going to say I was sorry to people who had walked on my face. Forgiveness was a foreign custom practiced by those who like to suffer. It took a while for me to understand that making amends is more than saying "I"m sorry". I discovered that if I tried to apologize without doing the process steps 4-9, especially without a sincere 7th step, I was just going to repeat the offense. My teenage children heard my amends with great skepticism. They certainly didn't change and rejected some of the efforts I made to do better than in the past. My ex, the children's father didn't respond to the letter I sent. When he next talked to our oldest, he told him not to believe anything I said. He was still using. I have come to understand that the amends process changes my own energy from negative to positive. I earn the change. It may do nothing for the other person. It does everything for me. The new positive programming works in a way that punishment for my wrongdoing never could. I became a positive although tiny force in the universe. That has been much better than being a tiny negative. Somehow I never had any protection when I was in the negative. It seemed like I attracted every piece of crap floating by. Now I feel very protected by my higher power's love.
Member: John H.
Location: Indiana,USA
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 12:41:15 PM
Good morning and a good upcoming week to you all from John, a recovering alcoholic. Difficult to enlarge on sunny s' statement above. When I entered the program in 1986, I was one bitter person, full of resentment, cynicism and negativism. I was justified in my thinking of being so off balance. Obviously it was necessary to understand the wisdom of the Steps 1-7 before Steps 8 and 9 could be successfully undertaken.As it developed I committed 9 months of sobriety before making any attempt to make amends to anyone except my wife. Feeling that those who needed amends from me deserved some evidence of my seriousness in sobriety determined my waiting nine months before making amends.Now each of is some diffence from each other, requiring different time frames for working the steps. I know, however, for me that it was necessary to reduce the negative attitudes, moods and behavior before it could be proved that I was truly sorry for the past. That had to come by working the first seven steps, depending upon meetings, the literature, a sponsor and the Higher Power. It's kept me sober almost 16 years! May you all have the many blessings out there from staying with and working the program honestly, openly, and willingly. that's how it works!
Member: Melissa
Location: Canada
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 1:51:17 PM
Thanks, Sunny. I found your post enormously illuminative and think that I won't forget the line 'a positive although tiny force in the universe'. It really struck me - thanks again, a lot. I was presented with the opportunity this week to do a heartfelt, "formal" amend to my nine-year- old son. The results I have to leave to my higher power. But it felt like the right thing to do at the right time. Thanks for letting me share, Melissa, an alcoholic
Member: Beto L
Location: Tampico, Mexico
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 2:57:50 PM
I have a hard time believing how far off base I can get in a short period of time. I just made amends to my 14 year old granddaughter before reading the topic. Now the work begins. I have to try to never offend her in the same fashion again, because if I do they amends are worthless, and the amends process becomes a game in her eyes. Thank God for AA, for the steps, and for my AA friends who share their ES&H. Beto
Member: Jeff T.
Location: Ne.
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 4:10:36 PM
Hi all, I`m Jeff an alcoholic. Making amends for me is more than a mumbled "i'm sorry". This i could do very well without meaning it, to look somone in the eyes, face to face & admit i was wrong is a hole lot harder & humbling for me. The amend list that i made was not too long, i think, but any way the hardest one i made was to my father & mother cause they were in AA & Alanon as far back as i can remember. How was i to make this amend when they knew what this was all about, ya know what i mean ? This WAS difficult for me but before i was half way through they stoped me & said that they understood what i was saying & i didn`t have to continue, "no wait a minute i must do this or i will never stay sober". I finished the amend. I felt a little unsettled. I cryed. How could i have put them through all the years of my drinking, knowing what i knew about alcohol? There was nothing anyone could have done to stop me from drinking, i had to find out for my self. After this one the rest were a little easier to make. Very gratefull that they numbered the steps for me to follow cause i dont think i could of done this one first. LOL Thanks... Jeff
Member: Bonny G.
Location: Hot Springs, AR
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 4:11:49 PM
Bonny, grateful recovering alcoholic, thanks Tom for the topic. I found that making an amends depended upon my "spiritual well-being" and my sincere desire to "forgive" the other person. I had to remember that "I resented what was done to me" by this person, and that I was cleaning up my side of the street. I had the list at "who" I was angry at, "the reason", and what emotion the incident had struck inside "me." Now regardless of their part in the picture, I had to be rid of the guilt and shame that I felt over whatever incident had happened. Making amends is good to clean us up, but as the Big Book tells us, there are some amends that we can't just blur out there, if it would hurt or injure someone else. Usually, working with your sponsor and taking good direction before just going and making amends is best. I found that some amends were best done by a letter instead of a face to face confrontation. And I was prepared to accept the possibility that my amends could be rejected. I now do the 10th Step at the end of my day, and I try to make amends as quickly as possible, if not on the same day, then the next. After years in the program, I know in my gut when I owe an apology. I no longer have to carry the guilt of what I said or did around with me for long periods of time. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Adam H.
Location: Nagano, JAPAN
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 7:33:46 PM
Hi everyone! Adam, alcoholic. I'm right on with these folks who are talking about amends being more than a mumbled "I'm sorry." Those two words were pretty cheap with me because I never did anything different after apologizing. Hence it really should come as no surprise that my amends were rejected many times over. But what I have learned to do with that rejection is remember that appropriate action is the key for me....that even if I do get my attempt to make amends rejected, I'm still responsible for acting appropriately in my life...and that is where I need the help of God and my sponsor with this step. I, too, like what Sunny shared about being a positive although tiny force in the universe, but I'm really gald Bonny mentioned the 10th step...that's probably a really good thing to do after a 9th step that goes sour. Grateful to be sober....newcomers, keep coming back!
Member: Pam D.
Location: Anaheim, CA
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 9:34:45 PM
Whether or not someone else "accepts" my amends isn't the point of the step, as I remember it. The point has always been to clean up my share of the mess, being "rigorously honest" in my attempt. Then, if I have to, to honestly come back again when more is revealed. It has always been easier for me to make amends to the people I couldn't locate...you know, the ones where I get to stay sober and avoid ever causing that type of problem again...the face-to-face amends haven't been easy and I haven't done them perfectly. The point, for me, was in taking action in a positive way. For my first several years of sobriety, the decision point was in asking myself, "does this take me toward a full life, or toward the agonizing death that awaits?" There wasn't anything that couldn't be looked at through that lens. Now, with a few more years under my belt, I've found more "gray areas" -- which show me needing to review my actions and make more amends... Dagun it - I thought I'd get closer to perfection as I stayed sober, but I think I'm just seeing more clearly the details of the messes I've created. Sorta like cleaning a mud slide off of a windshield - at first, anything attempted is a HUGE improvement. But, as you clean more and more, finally you reach the point where you see the little buggy bits still stuck there... Those are the spots that take more elbow grease to get off. But, it sure is nice to be able to see out the window!
Member: AZbill
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Date: 7/7/2002
Time: 11:40:45 PM
Hi. Bill here alcoholic from Arizona. Thanks Tom. BTW I will be in Floral City. FL for an online AA Round Up for the online group, The Winners Circle The last weekend in Oct. Not too far from you. Anyone is welcome. Write me for details if you wish... In the Early days I did the steps under the guidance of my sponsors. I read the directions for each step BEFORE I did them. The Prep Step (8) Told me to make a list of all the persons that I had harmed. Not all the persons that I was angry at. These names came from the fourth column of the Fourth Step... Once I found out where I was wrong, I really did want to set matters straight. Most of my amends had a positive outcome. I quote, When I asked a former boss how come he kept taking me back, he answered, "Bill, there was just something I saw in you...". When I went to pay a long overdue bar tab. "Bill, it is enough to see you sober. If you need this money take it". I didn't need it. :) ...As a direct result of the 9th Step, I now have my former wife, my hubby-in-law and all six of my daughters back in my life and I in theirs. Daughter #5 took about 9 years. I have been involved in four of my girls weddings. And next month I will be in Va Beach to watch #5 (Linda) renew her vows in church. She has "ordered" me to attend. Wow!! The key to a successful amend is the approach. I did not grovel nor was I arrogant. I showered, shaved, put on nice clothes, walked up to the ammendee, LOL, looked them dead in the eye and said, "I know I have done you wrong in the past. Now what can I do to set matters straight?"... I have never been tossed out on my ear. But if I had been. "We have made our demonstration, done our part. It's water over the dam. Page 78, Alcoholics Anonymous". Our basic text book. :)... Thank you for being a part of my sobriety today... Bill... az-bill@mindspring.com
Member: A Firend
Location: Tx
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 1:02:59 PM
Hi AZ Bill Check your email from GH
Member: gh
Location: gh
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 1:03:41 PM
Testing Testing
Member: xx
Location:
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 1:04:46 PM
xx
Member: xx
Location:
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 1:05:02 PM
xx xx
Member: Melanie R
Location: Wisconsin
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 2:08:25 PM
My name is Melanie and I am an alcoholic. I am new to Staying Cyber, and I hope you can indulge me a bit by letting me write off topic...? I got the idea to look for an online meeting from a back issue of the Grapevine. I dont feel like I fit in at any face to face meetings so I thought I would give this a go. I am not doing very well at the moment. I go to face to face meetings but I have such a hard time getting a word in edgewise. My sponsor is just as bad. I met up with her to talk about some stuff and I couldnt get the guts to be aggressive enough to say "HEY I need to talk about ME for a minute..." Like Eric Clapton said, I am an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I have a problem thinking anyone wants to "waste their time" listening to me, I guess. Anyway, when I am writing I can take all the time I want and say what I want and I know if someone doesnt want to read it they can just skip it. So anyway, thanks for listening. I am still sober and still hanging in there.
Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 3:46:15 PM
How does one ensure that you are "rigorously honest"? The list of folks I feel I need to make amends to is pretty short (wife, kids and employer). I did not hit a low bottom. I didn't steal or lie, I just was not around for those close to me. Could I be in denial or not thorough enough? ((Melaine R)) Welcome, I'm glad that you are more comfortable here. I don't have much experience (been in the program 9 months and sober for 5 weeks this time) but I think face-to-face meetings are pretty critical. There is a very different emotional connection that I don't get online. As great as these cyber buddies may be, it is not the same. It may be that after the meeting is when you can talk about yourself to someone who knows how to listen. Some of my best insights come after the meeting in the smaller conversations. Goodluck. Peace.
Member: Anne M
Location: NY
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 4:03:47 PM
((Melanie)) You didn't say how much time you have, but if it's under a year, have you tried a Beginners Meeting? Anyone under a year gets the chance to share first, so you can know you will always have an opportunity. Also, check out the Coffee Pot page here; there are no topics there. About amends, I am nowhere near that Step yet, but as Rich P said, above, I don't feel I have that many amends to make, and as he also said, is this just my denial? I had a high bottom, was a happy drunk, and outside of embarrassing myself at parties, I don't feel that I have many amends to make. I feel that the only one who suffered from my drinking is my daughter, and only because when I was hung over I didn't want to do much....but to explain all of that to a 10-year old may be too much for her. And I sometimes think that my guilt about laying around hung over was far worse than anything she perceived. My husband and I got along better when I drank, and he feels that my sobriety is the problem. I am all for making amends....I guess I just don't fully understand the scope of this yet.
Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 4:41:08 PM
It was steps 8 and 9 that kept me out of the program for many years. “I had not harmed anyone but myself, LOL”. Once I was finally beaten down enough to have an open mind, I remember hearing some very dramatic experiences with amend making from others in meetings and making the error of comparing myself to them. There was one person, I “hated” and to whom I would “never make amends”, otherwise I had been cash register honest with most others. I made amends to my father who told me it was unnecessary, he just wanted to see me happy. I also made amends to a retailer, who let me off the hook easy in my opinion. My sponsor told me it was not my job to tell God how things ought to be handled. It wasn’t much time before I found the truth and made amends to the person I “hated”. In doing so, I forgave all their inequities, without them ever apologizing to me. I now believe if I become “willing to make amends”, God will show me how and when to do it. If you are new the steps are powerful spiritual tools for me now, but they made little sense at first. Please, Keep coming back!!
Member: Robert K.
Location:
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 4:55:14 PM
Hi,I'm Robert and I'm a big loony alcoholic.Ilove the topic.It never ceases to amaze me how everytime I go to a meeting one of us brings up something I've just had on my mind.I just made the largest amends to my wife.Ihad to admit some huge lies I told her.My head feels SO much better.Zen Buddhists tell the story of two monks who have taken vows not to associate with women.While out walking one day,they came to a river that had to be forded.A woman on the bank neede to cross as well but couldn't do it by herself.One of the monks carried her across on his back.Once on the other side,he put her down and the two monks continued on their journey.After about ten miles,the other monk finnaly spoke,saying angrily,"You shouldn't have carried that woman."The fist monk just smiled and said,"I put her down ten miles ago.Why are you still carrying her?" All we can do is put down the burden of our pain.If others want to carry it,there is nothing we can do.(Melanie R.)What other people think of us is none of our business.Keep coming back.
Member: trish
Location: ind
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 9:16:53 PM
making an amends with yourself first truly being sorry and ready to go forward can keep us all in touch and grateull in some respects.
Member: Michael B.
Location: AZ
Date: 7/8/2002
Time: 11:37:42 PM
Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober today only by the Grace of God and the Fellowship. Thanks for the sincere shares. Welcome newcomers! Over the years, I have noticed that trish and others in AA have emphasized making amends to ourselves first. This is not what Step 9 and related AA literature teaches us. The key to making amends is to make amends to others first. AAs make amends to themselves by practicing Step 9 and the other 11 Steps as outlined, as well as not picking up that first drink.
Member: tracy
Location:
Date: 7/9/2002
Time: 3:25:20 PM
to forgive is to forget
Member: Joe P.
Location: Chicago
Date: 7/9/2002
Time: 4:32:16 PM
My name is Joe, and I’m an alcoholic. Making amends, in context, Step Nine – “Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Making amends requires credibility. No point to making amends if we are still doing the harm. We should have been changing by the time we get to this step. Good step for guidance from a veteran sponsor. I was told not to say, “I’m sorry”. Admit what I did and that I was wrong. Ask for forgiveness, but not to expect it. Amends are not about renewing the relationship; they are about cleaning our side of the street, and being comfortable in our own skins. Be hard on ourselves, easy on others. The Promises come after this step in the Big Book. I’ve made a number of amends, the most recent and difficult of was with my wife. I do have a number of amends to go. I love topics such as this because I am reminded of those things I have done and that which I must still do. I’m gonna go review my 8th step list now and see what amends I ought to be doing next.
Member: Mark K
Location: FL
Date: 7/9/2002
Time: 5:35:46 PM
Member: Ruth
Location:
Date: 7/9/2002
Time: 11:14:36 PM
I'm Ruth and I'm an alcoholic. Today, I celebrate twenty years of continuous sobriety through the grace of God and the loving support of the AA fellowship. My first attempt at an amend was a huge lesson. The person I made sincere amends to wouldn't have a bar of me and hung up on me. Filled with fear and despair, I turned to my sponsor who reminded me that amends are part of my own healing process and what the recipient does with my proferred amend is none of my business. Where direct amends haven't been possible, I just try to 'practise these principles in all [my] affairs'.
Member: Cookie K
Location: Phoenix AZ
Date: 7/10/2002
Time: 1:40:29 AM
Hi all,Ihave not gotten that far on amends to people I have hurt, I think I am going to have a hard time with that. I am going to apologize to my children, for drinking but how do I apologize to my husband who is mean to me and beat me and made my life a living hell, I finally stopped fighting with him and stay away from him and live in my bedroom or on the computer, and so far so good but since, I've been sober we never touch we don't fight but we don't do nothing else either, 9 months so far, it is crazy, no beer no sex. My mother beat me as a child too, big time, and I hated her after the last few months I realize I don' t hate her anymore but how do I say I am sorry I hated you but you beat the hell out of me and were mean as hell to me and my sister's how do you make admends to some people who have all but destroyed you and tried real hard to do so. Doesn't make sense to me. I hate sounding like this but it is true. My mom is still drinking and all my family but me it is getting tougher and tougher to hang in there, but I keep trying and trying and they said at my aa meeting today don't quit till you get a miracle it seems to me. I sure hope to make it and pray this prayer each and every day, God keep me sober.
Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: 7/10/2002
Time: 2:57:06 AM
Hi, I am Jack, a real alcoholic. Making amends to me meant cleaning up the wreckage of my past as best I could by doing whatever it took. I also had to remember that this was not to be done if it would cause harm to anyone else. I also had to be prepared to have my efforts rejected. This is not something that should be rushed into without talking it over with a sponsor. The gift I received from step nine was I no longer have to live in, or with my past. It is just that my past. However my past is also my greatest asset, if I ever forget my past, I am doomed to repeat it. Thanks for allowing me to share and God Bless.
Member: Charlie Darling
Location: Fort Myers, Fl
Date: 7/10/2002
Time: 9:41:31 AM
Hi Family Charlie Darling here and a very grateful recovering alcholic. I have not been here for awhile, and decided this over cast morning to check in, and as I was reading I read the letter from Melaniie in Wisconsin, well I too am very grateful to have found this site, for it saved my Ass while I was in a state where I could not get to meetings, and the ones I did get to was not what i had expected. So when I just accidently found this (there are no coincidences) for i needed something, as I felt so alone, and with this site we are not alone. I now live in an area where I can get to meetings regular, and it is good, but I have to keep coming to this site as I just know i will need to hear what I need at the moment, and I thank all who share on staying cyber for you have helped me many times, so Melanie keep coming back you will get the message to help you get through all the rough stuff. Love you all Charlie kwduke_1999@yahoo.com
Member: LagunaD
Location: So. CA
Date: 7/10/2002
Time: 12:49:24 PM
This is for Melanie R. or anyone that might be interested: This is where you can find live chat meetings, or even open chat 24/7 for AA, Alanon, Acoa, and they even have some "joint" or combined meetings. This is another way to get to meetings! alcoholism.about.com/mpchat Happy sobriety and REAL life!
Member: Monica C
Location: Philly, PA
Date: 7/11/2002
Time: 10:18:07 AM
Hi everyone, Monica, alcoholic... Great topic, I think the magic is in 8 becoming "willing" (that is the work part for me - praying, asking God to direct me and my negative thinking, praying for that person, looking at my part in the relationship and finally releasing it to the universe and the hands of God with no hatered or strings attached, it is like this click, you all know that click that frees our thinking).... and 9 is carrying it out this new feeling of being free and wanting to set the other person free as well.
Member: Megan W
Location: kansas
Date: 7/11/2002
Time: 11:13:12 AM
Today I have 106 days of sobriety. Never thought this would ever happen. Also never dreamed that I would be able to find a group of people who cared about my problems enough to love me in spite of them and help me see life through eyes not tarnished by drink. I had my first beer when I was 16 an hated the taste of it. All of my mothers family drank heavely but were close nit and loving. I remember when I would bring friends to my maternal granparents for a weekend of family get togethers. By time to leave of Sunday they all said the same thing, "I wish my family was like yours". My father was very physically abusive and I came to rely on alcohol much the same way my mother did, to get through the pain we could not find an escape from. I moved out of my parents home the day after I graduated from High School with only one fear, If I am not home who will protect my little brother. Now, 8 years later, he is 6'7" and able to take care of himself. He was married in a beautiful wedding Saturday to a wonderful woman whom my family adores. I am proud of him, and although everyone at the reception chose to celebrate with large amounts of alcohol consumption I toasted to the bride and groom with one sip of champaine to not look out of placed and then was served diet coke for the rest of the evening by some on my brother and I's clostest friends all the while them telling me how proud they are of me. Not only did I not miss the getting drunk, I had the best time I have had since I quite drinking the day after my 27 birthday in March. I told my husband as we left the reception and headed to our hotel room that I never knew I could have that much fun and remain sober. Many things have changed for me since I gave up my best friend whom I usually found in the form of a Busch Light can. I have given up case management for children with behavioral problems for the time being for both ethical and recovery purposes.I have turned all our finances over to my husband and his mother to run for my alcoholic ways had them shot to hell. I have been working on a street crew which is very hard work, but I enjoy it.I am now opening myself up to work in the same field but with more income. I am a MOM now to my four year old daughter and 7 year old step son, this is something I never dreamed I could become. I am also a Wife now, after almost 5 years I don't know why that man waited so long but I thank God he did. And I also have a higher power that I find myself thanking more for the small things then asking for a miricle to get me out of whatever mess I have caused this time. I am working on steps 4 and 5 and finding out that like is not all pain. All of these things would not exsist had it not been for that first Wednesday night in a little house with two coffee pots and 3 old men. I will never forget how they smiled at me, shook my hand, and never acted like they were suprised to see me. AA gave me life. It can do the same for anyone else. Good luck and may your higher power bless you!
Member: Greg W
Location: The Netherlands
Date: 7/11/2002
Time: 5:31:49 PM
The topic of making amends is really a great topic. I am in Holland right now on vacation, I got the chance to be able to make amends to my brother. It was a fulfilling expierence and I feel that i am closer to him having done it. the 9th step is one that i avoided for a while, I avoided it more on a subconscience level but its all the same. I feel free after I make an amends, because after all you are not saying sorry to the person. You are making amends, you are trying to clear up the wreckage that you have caused as a result of your drinking. They are two completely different things. Saying sorry won't fix anything, trying to change your behavior and fix what ever you did. That is not always a easy thing to do. I haven't been to a meeting in 3 weeks now, it is the second longest that I have ever gone. I don't reccomend it but I will try to find some meetings online. I have stayed sober in Amsterdam after 5 weeks of no meetings, I have no good excuse why I can't stay sober in my home town. good luck to everyone out there who is trying to stay sober, it is a great fellowship and I hope you stay sober and stick with the proggram. You will find that you will undergo and huge change in your everyday life. And teh outcome is a great thing. I am happy that I found the program, it is the greatest thing to happen to me.
Member: AnilG
Location: Mt Vernon,IL
Date: 7/11/2002
Time: 5:41:35 PM
I am an alcoholic to me AA and the steps have been crucial in my recovery. I had learnt something new a tool that can make me a better person at each and every step. I had hurt so many people that I relize it now. But whereever I can I go along accept my reposibilty and try to Humble and make amends.this is only to relize later that it takes whole lot courage to make an amend then not to accept your reposibilties of your wrong doings.
Member: Pete B.
Location: Indy
Date: 7/11/2002
Time: 9:51:26 PM
Hi I'm Pete ...an alcoholic. Making amends was extremely difficult for me ... and why not. After 30 years of drinking my brain was so entrenched with "stinking thinking" that I knew it was going to be a long time before I could truly say I was sorry. So it took hard work with the steps and recovery that eventually I started to see reality. I swore that I wouldn't give lip service ... I was certainly a champ at that. I measured from my heart not from my head. I wanted to truly be sorry and mean it when I said those words. It doesn't stop there. Living up to these amends will take the rest of my life. That's the only way I see it. God bless !!!!
Member: JL
Location: The Beach
Date: 7/12/2002
Time: 12:22:01 AM
Jeff Here Alcoholic. Excellent Shares and a timely topic. Amends, I did not even know the word before I came to AA. All I had were resentments and wish that I would get those apologies and they would do it my way. LOL I was so determined to "be amazed before I was half way through" that Step 9 became like a holy grail. I wanted those promises. Well I have made a little progress since then. My thinking has changed to one of letting my higher power take care of things and I just enjoy the ride. Making amends was (and still is) the most liberating thing for me. This is when I began to know freedom. A few particular ones give me goosebumps when I think about them and still share them (but not under 300 words). What I have to do is what I seem to hear from all the shares above. I have to be a living amends. Living my amends and changing my old habits day in and day out on some days just isn't satisfying. On those days it is of particular importance that I remember to make living amends. It's hard. I came to stay sober and find sobriety on this site, but at the same time I am ignoring my daughter a bit so I can read your shares. Out of here. Thanks for being part of my sobriety today.
Member: happy
Location:
Date: 7/12/2002
Time: 7:30:20 AM
Morning all; I have to agree with a couple of the previous postings.... If it weren't for a loving sponsor who had already worked the steps (with a loving sponsor)and working the first 8 steps..I would have had no idea that making amends has nothing to do with saying "I'm sorry" I had cried that plea all my life (when I thought it might get me out of a jam). Making amends meant taking responsibilty for my actions and being willing to try, with all my might, to not do the same behaviors again. Now being human I've had some success and some failures but I'm still willing today and continue to ask God for his help to grow. Love to all
Member: Dry in the Desert
Location: Nevada
Date: 7/12/2002
Time: 9:56:39 AM
Good Morning Everyone, My name is Walter and I am an Alcoholic Great meeting this week…. Welcome to the newcomers. Do not rush into amends……remember, the steps are numbered and in an order for a reason! I can tell you for a fact that the local Metro guys have little understanding of a newcomer making amends on past warrants !! HA ! Also, never, never do it on a Friday (you do not see the judge until Monday !!) In my eagerness to make amends and clear some of the wreckage, I spent my 30th day of sobriety in a drunk tank (sober). HA ! Seriously, when the steps are followed in order and you turn your life and will over to a God of your own understanding in step 3,do a thourgh 4th, an honest 5th with you sponsor, follow 6,7 and 8, by the time you reach step 9 you will be spiritually prepared for the tough amends……..in my case, God directed me to the time and place as was necessary to make the proper retributions……Now, as I lead a sober and spiritual life, amends are a process of my daily living. To All….have a good day and thanks for being there for me…
Member: Mindy T.
Location: Long Beach, California USA
Date: 7/12/2002
Time: 6:09:28 PM
My name is Mindy and I'm an alcoholic. My big problem with the 9th step was that during my whole drinking career, I said "I'm sorry" everytime I messed up with my family and friends. So, by the time I got sober, just about everyone didn't believe me when I said "I'm sorry". I had to go about this step in a diffrent way. Instead of just saying "I'm sorry", I had to put action into those words. Iv'e been making living amends to my sister for two years now, and those amends have meant more to me than a mumbled "I'm sorry" ever would. The longer I stay sober (I'll be 12 years sober at the end of this month), the more I understand that words aren't as effective as action is. Y'know that old saying, "talk is cheap"? Well, talk is not cheap, but it's only half the battle. Once you make verbal amends, it's a good idea to take action on those amends. I'm glad I found this website. I have kinda been lax about going to as many outside meetings as I am used to..so it's nice to keep in touch with the rooms of AA this way too, although I encourage anyone new to the AA program to hit outside meetings as well as online meetings. Virtual reality is nice, but it doesn't hold a candle to looking into the eyes of someone getting this program. God is good, you guys. Life is good, and AA is the best thing in my life today. Thank you for letting me share.
Member: Chris H.
Location: Fla.
Date: 7/12/2002
Time: 6:58:24 PM
I'm Chris ___I'm an alcoholic/addict/bulimic---Isn;t it always so great how thetopics are always what you need to hear. I have been having some things that I have needed to say to my husband for a long time...ANd My first desire is to blast him and blame him for all my problems...when really I am the one who has the problem and I am the one who needs to make ammends...Even if he does have some things that need to be changed...that is not my side of the street...My job is to keep my side of the street clean and to make the ammends for myself...not for anyone else. My sponsor is big on saying that how you live your life is a bigger ammend than saying you are sorry...THere is another person that ihave needed to talk to and again , my first reaction was to blast her... then as I wrote the letter I needed to write to her...I realized that I needed to ask her to forgive me for my resentment and bitterness towards her... that is my side of the street... how she reacts is hers...Boy it takes a lot to get thtough this thick skull...that's why f2f meetings are Attitude Adjusters... because left to my own devices my best efforts only got me more and more depressed and more and more into the pit of my addiction...I cannot do this life by myself..maybe the normal people can , but not this alcoholic...thank you all for being here and helping me stay sober one more day.
Member: Jen B.
Location: So Cal
Date: 7/12/2002
Time: 9:06:12 PM
Yes, they certainly are just what we need to hear. I'm stalled on this step so I'm telling on myself. I've had the dastardly experience thus far of having 2 of the 6 amends I've made seem like they really stirred up a lot of stuff in the other person and I went away thinking maybe I did harm. Both of these people were normies and broke down in retelling their experience of my drinking. I unfortunately had to start by asking them to do so, if they felt comfortable, because I was a blackout drinker and somewhat needed them to enlighten me. It was pretty grim. I didn't go away feeling positive or anything, and being in the first year of my sobriety, I also was not able to cry - they were pretty miserable experiences. They thought I was cold and unremorseful, I was shocked into silence by the things they were telling me. I have about 50 more amends to make. I'm a little overwhelmed, but I enjoyed reading all the shares and feel willing to start tackling some of them again. Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Curtis L
Location: Goliad, TX
Date: 7/12/2002
Time: 11:18:55 PM
Alkie named Curtis and most of my amends are ongoing. Certain incidents, for example, I'd wrecked my dads car while drunk, and thirty years later, I went to him and sincerely wanted to pay him 'in todays dollars' for the damage I'd done. He didn't want the money or to discuss it so I didn't bring it up again, but I haven't gotten drunk and wrecked his car again. My sons were 15 and 17 when I got sober in 1985, and as a dad, I hadn't been there for them at times when they needed me. Today I do my best to be a good dad to them even though they are 32 and 34 years old. I cannot undo the emotional harm that I did to many, so today I attempt to be extra kind, caring, and understanding of individuals. My number one amend to myself is to not have picked up a drink since '85.
Member: Rich R, s-l-o-w-l-y recovering compulsive person/alcoholic
Location: Detroit
Date: 7/13/2002
Time: 5:16:04 AM
Hello, Rich R, s-l-o-w-l-y recovering compulsive person/alcoholic, checking in. Thanks for the topic, Tom. I don't like to make amends. Mainly because I don't like to admit that I was wrong in the first place. More than that, I don't even like to acknowledge reality! I prefer to live in a fantasy world, where what I do or say doesn't EVER affect anyone negatively. I do realize that this type of thinking goes completely against recovery/the program, but I am just trying to be honest with where I am today. Oh, by the way, I am NOT a newcomer! I guess, in a way, I am admitting I am wrong right here in this post today. Maybe, Tom, this is one small step on the way towards making amends for my thinking this way. Thanks.
Member: Jay L.
Location: Arizona
Date: 7/13/2002
Time: 10:56:05 AM
Without sounding too dramatic, let me say that Steps 8 & 9 worked miracles in my life. My drinking, gambling and the 'wonderful' lifestyle that went along with all that, had done a lot of damage to my relationship with my parents, most of all. I'll never be able to financially repay my parents for all those years, but G-d has forgiven me and in turn, that's allowed me to forgive myself. The amends to my parents is that I don't drink, gamble and I begin to really take good care of myself in all areas of life(so basically they don't have to worry anymore about their son). As a result of the amends to my parents, we no longer push each others buttons and slowly, the respect is coming back into our relationship. I truly feel blessed to have my parents back in my life where they should be. Thanks for the topic.
Member: David W
Location: Spring Lake, NJ
Date: 7/13/2002
Time: 11:00:28 AM
David, alcoholic. Reading these posts has helped a lot. I now see situations in my life where I should certainly clean up my side of the street - all this time, I think I was worrying to much about the other side of the street. Also, I think I was thinking too much about this step in terms of people I harmed when I was drinking and not paying enough attention to how I am harming people at this point in my life because of charecter defects that I have not worked on. Looks like I have a chance to clean up my side of the street. Thanks.
Member: Deena S
Location: florida
Date: 7/14/2002
Time: 12:27:17 AM
Step nine needs to be done in the right order, not before the 5th but right after the 8th. Making amends is not avenging harms, not getting others to admit wrong, or even to forgive me for my wrongs. It is about recognizing where my selfish, self-centered and dishonest behaviors hurt others. No matter what others have done. The deal is, learning what my business is and what your business is and staying out of yours and taking care of mine. If I want you to make amends then I must ahve taken your inventory. I don't need to work others steps for them, it is hard enough for me to summon the courage to be rigorously honest in my assessment of my behavior. Boy howdy, I am one tired 17 y/o in an old womans body. It seems that I continue to 'do stuff' that I have been doing all along but have a time of it now that I am nearing 50. I somehow don't think of myself as having that 47 y/o body(until I look in the mirror) and bang away at the yard, ponds, dogs, aerobics, weight training and all the rest of the stuff that I do that wears me out and makes my joints hurt. nuf complaining. Deena
Member: Laura B.
Location: China
Date: 7/14/2002
Time: 12:57:10 AM
Hi I am just asking you guys for some support. I am here in China for 6 weeks and really miss my groups back home. I celebrate 7 years in like 2 weeks and am here with a bunch of drinkers. Please e-mail me at laurab_in_china@yahoo.com - I have trouble accessing my online sober club and meetings so I am trying this way. So far e-mail works really well. Please if you have a chance drop me a line to this little isolated AAer with no meetings for hours. I have been here over a week already and really need to stay connected. Thanks!! As far as discussion it was good to read this and helps me. With amends I do more living than anything else. I also work on not doign things to make more amends. The longer I am from meetings and the hotter it is I realize I am getting really cranky. I have to really control my temper here and lost it on one fellow teacher - i am teaching english in china. I pray, read literature and ask for help from you people to center me. I always bring god into the situation to lead me with the good orderly direction. Thanks so much , laura b.
Member: Tom M.
Location: Homosassa, Fl
Date: 7/14/2002
Time: 7:33:46 AM
Thanks to all for sharing I thought this might be a good topic. I know I feel I got a lot of good information from a lot of my fellow recoverers (if there is such a word.)Thanks AZ Bill expect some e-mail.Again THANK YOU everyone for all your thoughts and remarks Tom M