Member: Vee
Location: Midwest
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 7:36:15 AM
I've heard that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other guy to die. I am trying hard but have some recurring resentments that just won't leave me alone. I can almost feel them killing me. Help!
Member: Jim C
Location: Albany, NY
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 7:53:15 AM
Hi, my name is Jim & I'm an alcoholic. ~ I've been Sober since 1977 and I have to utilize the tools of the AA Program, every day, against my resentments. I've heard it said that resentments destroy more alcoholics than anything else, so I do believe that they are "poison". Fortunately, we do have the Steps to take as an antedote, anytime that resentments strike, which will help us to stay away from taking a drink. Alcohol is a worse poison than resentments. Stay well & Stay Sober.
Member: Sito T.
Location: Puerto Rico
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 8:29:01 AM
I would like to open the discussion topib for the week of May 25-30. I've been sober for almost six years now. I had a sponsor when I started in the program, but it dibn't last very long because I preferred to work the program thru my own experiences. I'm working the 4 step now and I feel the need to get a sponsor because there are somethings I don't understand. I called my previous sponsot, and he said he is available to help me. I would like to read about your experiences concerning this matter.
Member: Jay T
Location: Midwest
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 8:32:24 AM
Good morning, Jay, alcoholic/addict. Resentments are a very large part of my disease and I've learned in AA that I have very little control over them so I was told to pray for the people in my life that are spending so much time in my head. Letting go is a bitch for alkies but at some point we have to decide if we would rather be happy or right. If we choose happiness we hand it over in prayer to our higher power. Later we usually find out that the people we thought were trying to hurt or undermine us are just doing the best they can with what they have. It is hard and awkward at first but well worth the effort, Good luck.
Member: A Drunk
Location:
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 9:09:55 AM
Hi Vee, I was told by my sponsor that we are not told what the No2 offender is because the No1 will get us anyway Have a look at page 552in the Big Book starting "He said in effect"It works for me every time, give it a go Best wishes and May God bless you
Member: John O'L
Location: DFW Texas USA
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 9:14:51 AM
Good Morning, Family. My name is John O'L, and I am an alcoholic. For years, I've been a fan of the Cowboys and the Seahawks, Many decades ago I knew in my heart of hearts that I would never be able to play professional football - I just don't have what it takes! However, there is one thing that I am professional class, indeed World Class at, and that is the ability to come up with a resentment and hold on to it for years and years and years. At the end of my drinking career, (my last drink was on May 22nd of 1982),I was sitting alone with my case of beer. going over and over the anger and hurt feelings and resentments in my head. Believe me, if there had been a team of those who are good at resentments, I believe that I would have been qualified to be on any such professional team, or to represent the USA at the Olympics. The resentments brought me no trophies or gold medals; they did bring me agony and a life of misery and suffering. Need I add that my closest friends and family also suffered because of my resentments? Now, in 1982 I came to the understanding that I have the power to choose. I can continue on this path that will keep me in a place that is most certainly "hell on earth"! Or, I can make the most honest effort and the most determined and continuing effort that I am capable of making and pray to God to give me the strength to move away from my torment in my focus on my resentments. I remembered reading that the bear has a defensive strategy of grabbing and crushing some opponents. However, if a bear grabs an item that is dangerous and has spikes on it or is heated red-hot, the bear risks harming himself by attempting to crush this opponent. If the bear is to save himself, he must let go of the object that is harming him. I couldn't let go. Call it stubbornness, call it being obstinate, or whatever, but I came to almost welcome the pain as the price of owning my hatred and anger and unhappiness. In a sick and evil and perverted and twisted sort of way, I came to feel that my predestined home was to wallow in the crap of my resentment, hatred, and sick feelings..........There were some ways in which I welcomed it as an old friend and ways in which I looked forward to cataloging all my resentments while drinking each evening. Those who are not alcoholic might have trouble understanding this, but I have met quite a few of my fellow alcoholics who tell me they understand. This is one reason I go to AA meetings and feel comfortable with others in AA - because so often my fellow alcoholics understand when others cannot. My resentments did not disappear overnight. It took prayers, meetings, sponsership, and Big Book study, etc. etc. It was not easy, but I assure you it was worth it a million times over. Even now, even 21 years later, I know that I am like a big oak tree that is leaning heavily in one direction. Without continuting immersion in Alcoholics Anonymous, this alcoholic is in real danger of returning to the illness he knows so well: RESENTMENTS, wet alcoholism, and everything else that is on the "off the beam" list. I pray that God will protect me from this fate, and I will do my part in helping God to help me in avoiding resentments!
Member: Kim V
Location: kvaughn@madison.main.nc.us
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 10:01:35 AM
Kim V alcoholic. I found for me that resentments are a ongoing problem that i have to be on gaurd for. I will use my biggest one for an example as the one with my mother. she is a border line personality disorder and everytime I worked past my resentment with her, she would then do something else and my resentments new and old would resurface. So I have had to seperate myself from the situation and break off all contact with her. i told her that until she is willing to get some professional help I am not willing to have a relationship with her. I still love her and for now have no resentments against her now as I realize she is sick mentally. I have also found some relief in praying for her. I have often heard to pray for the person you have the resentment aginst for 30 days. thanks for letting me share.
Member: Jen G
Location: NJ
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 10:19:28 AM
Resentments--a problem for everybody, not just alkies. The only way I have ever found of helping myself to get over a resentment is to try to put myself in that person's shoes and see things from his or her perspective. It doesn't work all the time, but sometimes it allows me to better understand the other person's behavior. And that sometimes can help me understand that the way they are behaving is not all about me--it's about them too. I do know that when I drink (I'm only a few days sober right now) I can ALWAYS make mountains out of molehills. That kind of mountain-making doesn't happen to me as much when I am sober. I'm feeling good today and that's probably why I am sounding like I'm good at not being resentful. BUt tomorrow, who knows? I might be resenting the whole world.
Member: John K
Location: Philadelphia
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 10:43:11 AM
Hi all, John, alcoholic. For me, resentments are the worst thing about alcoholism. They blocked me off from HP(happiness). They blocked me from other people(service and fellowship). They kept me self-centered and miserable. The reason I speak in the past tense is that, because of the Steps, I don't have the resentments I came in here with, and to a great degree I have lost the capacity to get resentments, because I understand better now that everyone(not just me) is "frequently wrong as well as emotionally ill". If I keep getting resentments, I am missing something about the program. And all that I just wrote is just a part of it! In order to get a resentment in the first place, I have to be playing God somehow, which is a topic unto itself; I have to have pride, which is like air to alcoholics; and I have to be blind to the needs of others. With all this in play, it's no wonder alcoholics are so miserable and alone so much! Resentment is the one habit that involves most of the basic character defects of alcholics, and that's why it is so dangerous. The process of sobriety moves me away from the whole thing, but if I wasn't willing to go to *ANY* lengths to be free of all of this stuff, then I would have just kept being miserable. Thanks.
Member: John K
Location: Philadelphia
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 11:06:36 AM
Uh...jeeze, sometimes my fingers are too fast for my own good. Vee, I forgot one thing: The key to my release from the resentments I had was understanding clearly that the people I resented, the ones who had hurt me, were sick, just as I was. Because of this, they could not have helped hurting me or anyone else they came in contact with(neither could I--it was just a matter of time and the degree of the harm I did, not a question of whether I would do harm to others or not; self-centered people are always harmful). I prayed for the understanding of the decisions I had made which placed me in a position to be hurt, as it describes in How It Works, just before the 3rd Step. Then as I was doing my 4th and 5th, the clarity just came, and forgiveness just kind of happened. That was a huge miracle for me, because I was buried in resentments. No matter what, keep coming back! :)
Member: Jay T
Location: Midwest
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 11:31:40 AM
Hey, Jay here again and still afflicted. When I began asking questions about doing a 4th step I was told by one of my sponsors, (I chose to ask many people for help), that my character defects and all of my behavior centered around how I wanted other people to perceive me. Simply put, my self-centeredness. My resentments still arise from this same defect. When I feel that someone has slighted me in some way I become resentful. This is probably a very natural reaction, however, most people do not harbor those resentments or wish evil on the person that has hurt their feelings. Growing up in the program means we get past our arrested development and learn to deal with our disappointments in an adult, healthy manner. Thanks to all that post here.
Member: Jay T
Location: Midwest
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 11:31:48 AM
Hey, Jay here again and still afflicted. When I began asking questions about doing a 4th step I was told by one of my sponsors, (I chose to ask many people for help), that my character defects and all of my behavior centered around how I wanted other people to perceive me. Simply put, my self-centeredness. My resentments still arise from this same defect. When I feel that someone has slighted me in some way I become resentful. This is probably a very natural reaction, however, most people do not harbor those resentments or wish evil on the person that has hurt their feelings. Growing up in the program means we get past our arrested development and learn to deal with our disappointments in an adult, healthy manner. Thanks to all that post here.
Member: Marv L
Location: Laurel,Ms
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 3:30:42 PM
Hi,Marv L,alcoholic..If theres one thing made clearest during the 22 years Ive been granted a repreive from the insanity of drinking, it is that holding resentments-fanning the coal of what I feel about something somebody might have said or done to me that I found not to my liking--IS THE NUMBER ONE OFFENDER for alcoholics,and wrecks sobriety for many..!! I asked AA for help to stop drinking,they immediately made it clear to me, it is a program of CHANGE..so if I was to live sober I HAD to stop being resentful. I found out that my drinking had made me resent a LOT of things--in fact,drinking became a way of life to deal with disappointments and hurts. I saw that you KNEW the answers,and I worked the steps(Still do!) that helped me clear away the wreckage of my past and join you in the path of happy destiny. If you spit in my face, I become angry..IF I drugde up some real or imagined "injury or slight" from my past,then I am resensing old feelings...and THAT is dangerous. To the extent we indulge in such,we cut off the sunlight of the spirit and relapse into old thinking,maybe even old ways of drinking! Thank you for SHOWING me a new way of life, and for making me able to see things DONT have to go Marvs way--I stopped "arranging" things to my liking,and I LIKE THIS NEW SENSE OF Freedom too much to harbour old resentments! So grateful for every one of you,thanks for sharing,and letting me share in this forum! Love ya all,hang in there!!
Member: Patty B
Location: Austin
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 4:06:10 PM
Good topic. I completely agree that resentments are what got me drinking in the first place. What helps me handle them now is the Resentment Prayer. I ask my HP to give the person I'm holding a resentment toward all the good things that I want for myself. All the grace and happiness and love in the world. I say these prayers (yeah, I've unfortunately usually managed to get resentful toward more than one person) for at least two weeks. Even if I don't mean the words. I ask my HP to soften my heart toward the person. This works for me. It at least LESSENS the resentment if it doesn't eliminate it. I gotta tell y'all..my morning and evening prayer time has surely increased since becoming sober. The life in between is so much better than it ever was when I drank. Thanks for the positive discussion!
Member: Melissa K.
Location: Philadelphia
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 5:21:03 PM
Hello everyone, I'm Melissa and I'm an alcoholic.this is a great topic for me.I have a real hard time with resentments.I still hold on to them.I just can't seem to let go.So much so that it messes with my program.When I get like this nothing else seems to matter.I'm trying to work on it.I need to let go and let God.Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Barb S.
Location: Canada
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 5:23:35 PM
Hi everyone!This is such an important topic and one with which I really identify. In the past I have built a great deal of resentment towards my husband for many things he has or has not done.These resentments were the primary fuel for my drinking behavior. It didn't matter what I did or said ,I could not change him. I have come to realize that I can only change myself and have found a certain peace in being able to do that. I no longer allow him "room in my head" and pursue interests of my own that make me happy.
Member: Perry W
Location: Mideast
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 5:42:10 PM
I have been inspired by this meeting, and will admit that I need all the help i can get. thanks for letting me attend this meeting.PW
Member: Perry W
Location: Mideast
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 5:42:40 PM
I have been inspired by this meeting, and will admit that I need all the help i can get. thanks for letting me attend this meeting.PW
Member: Peggy D
Location: Greensboro, NC
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 6:01:07 PM
Hi- I'm Peggy - I have been sober for 14 yrs. On resentments my sponsor had me read pg 552 for 1 whole month before I could realize that I was not in control & to let it go. I am sponsoring someone that just got married to someone in the program too. I had her used the program and the steps on how to deal with different situtions in her life while date this person. She is grateful that she did . They worked on their rough spots before they tired the knot. I used the steps everyday in my life and also used step one consequently. It has help me. This is my first time being on the internet. I'm new with this computer business, but I also used the steps to deal with this too. Thank you. I go to mtg everynite like a drank very nite. 5/25/03
Member: Cec H
Location: Cowtown
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 6:06:17 PM
Hi all Cec H alkie here. The thing that worked for me in regards to resentments was praying for the other person. Believe it or not it does work. Took sometime and I started with gritted teeth when saying it . But I can honestly say I no longer have a resentment against my ex. And I find it works on most things that piss me off in life. Another 24 to go please and have one for yourself.
Member: Carlc
Location: NM
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 6:26:41 PM
The book says resentments destroy more alcoholics, one of the definitions of destroy is to render useless, if a resentment is occupying my mind I find my self to be useless aa a father, brother, son, employee, and general all around human being because this resentment is always with me clouding my judgement and the way I act. What do we do with these resentments we put them down on paper and discuss them with anotherf human being. The books says that a life which includes deep resentment only leads to futility and unhappiness. Thats why I wanted to jump into traffic with 2000 dollars in my pocket. life absolutly sucked and I hadnt had a drink for 8 years.
Member: Bikerbabe
Location: Hellishelping
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 9:31:05 PM
I used to get confused about the difference between normal healthy anger and resentment.. I personally have experienced a normaly healthy response of anger towards something, which sometimes includes getting it out/venting or verbalizing it with the person, dealing with the situation etc etc and its done. gone over.. but a resentment is when i burn over it again and again for long periods of time,,,anything more than a few hours is too long for me now.. One thing i would like to mention that i have seen and experienced many times in aa; and it is potentially deadly and emotionally crippling at best; and that is a Sponsor who tries to shove the steps on a very abused sponsee who needs proper proffesional help first" first" first"...for abuse issues. ((Sometimes neither of them are aware of this and so add confusion; nausem and your left with a minced meat resemblence of a human being who "(unless you've been through more severe abuse, you can only imagine the self loathing and extreme low self worth this person already suffers, especially if they are good at hiding it so they do it for you because they are so vulnerable; and they make an amend that they likely arent deep down sincere about are confused about and no doubt makes them even angrier later))they almost undoubtedly have never gone through the proper greiving processes etc etc.. and goodbye, they go out drinking again and again not knowing what the problems is... AA'ers should be careful to direct people to a proffesional and forget about the steps for those ones for a while..being sober and meetings will probably be enough for the duration of thier councilling. I have witnesses more people re-lapsing because of this behaviour.. Some people get so pumped up about the steps (understandably) but they are not one size fits all .. sometimes a sponsor gets so egotistical about thier aa way that they forget there's a whole world out there of proffesional people who know what the hell they are doing. And its bullshit. And even when the person gets help it takes time, ((and god go with you if you find another yet assuming and egotistical therapist..they will cause confusion as well. This is my experience strenghth and hope.
Member: Carrie
Location: Los Angeles
Date: 5/25/2003
Time: 11:02:21 PM
What a great topic! I just started my fourth step and I needed to hear all of the above. It's so funny, just when i think I dont have any resentments, I just start writing and BLAM! Putting pen to paper is such a great way to trick yourself into being really honest. You just dodge your rational brain and get to the emotional nitty gritty. What a gift AA is.
Member: teresa
Location: greenville sc
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 12:29:01 AM
Hello Friends, I am a very grateful recovered alcholic. And have never regretted it. All my past has been useful in one way or another. My sponsors tell me "people just won't do right." And that is true I think I'm right and they are wrong,no matter what.I will not be used as a doormat and by AA and His Grace have learned this. Like someone mentioned, I have no time for resentments. If my actions and motives are out of Love all is Good. You may want to look and see if you have forgiven, or even are willing to forgive. Love is all there is. No resentments unless we choose to have them. A friend told me once, if I stay upset for more than 10 mins I must be enjoying it. Pain got me here. I don't need as much pain today to put to use the beautiful tools given to me from AA. God Bless you and check your motives. Always.
Member: Steve R.
Location: Morro Bay, CA
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 3:17:20 AM
I've spent most of my life nurturing and feeding my resentments. They've been a source of sick inspiration to me which have sometimes been motivational. Hate, revenge, anger, etc. can be powerful motivation to succeed. Often it's been a perfect case of doing the right things for the wrong reasons. Sometimes just the wrong things for the wrong reasons. Developing the skills to change my mindset that the program offers is gradually changing my motives. I am for the first time concerned about doing the right thing. I can't always say that I've completely let go of all my ill feelings for certain others, but I've pretty much quit dwelling on the past. I've laid out some healthy boundaries for myself and I'm more and more diligent about protecting these bounderies. Not allowing myself to be victimized results in not getting new resentments. Most of the resentments I've ever harbored inevitably can be traced back to me allowing something to come into my life that hurt me (not always, but most often). Developing a conscious contact with my higher power, as I understand it, and meditation to the best of my ability allows me to truly think before I act, and to believe in what I'm doing. Thanks for everyone's input. Good stuff!
Member: Ron L
Location: Winnipeg. Man. Can.
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 3:50:46 AM
Ron - Alcoholic, When I done a fourth step on a person I resented using the big book page 65 here is what I discovered... I wrote down there name, The caues of my resentment at them. Then I wrote how it effected me. It made me unhappy. I was with-drawn. Not smiling. Walking around angry. I would charactor-assassinate. Lie about them. Always have a chip on my shoulder. Waste hours dreaming how to get even. Makes me feel like drinking. These where only a few of the things that happened to me when I got resentful. NOW heres the kicker. I was so full of resentment at the person that I was not going to allow them to do this to me any more. I was told... when thinking, distructive think constructive... when thinging negitve thing positive. So when I started thinking about my resentment I STOPPED said a prayer, gave my head a shake re-directed my thoughts to some thing else and walked away a FREE MAN... And guess what Carlc I got that advise from my sponcer Who said he got it from his sponcer.
Member: MIKE M
Location: BEND OR.
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 4:11:26 AM
MIKE, ALCOHOLIC. #1 OFFENDER KILLS MORE ALCOHOLICS THAN ANY THING ELES. I SILL GET THEM HANG ON TO THEM UNTIL IM CRAZY. THEN I DO THREE THINGS. 10TH STEP SPOT INVENTORY, 4TH STEP INVENTORY, OR THE REALLY HARD ONE PRAY FOR THAT PERSON, PLACE, THING OR SITUATION, FOR 2 WEEKS.AND THATS ALOT OF WORK RESENTMENTS ARE LIKE A HOT POTATO I GOT TO THROW IT AWAY. THANX FOR LETING ME SHARE
Member: L-RAY
Location: SCOTLAND
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 5:23:23 AM
Doing well ((((Peggy)))) resentment was a killer with me it came with anger and hatred and fear! to-day i work the program in my life! resentments still get me but its how i deal with them--people have the right to there opinions and i am powerless over there actions so why screw my head up because i cant take it! stopped packing the world on my shoulders! "lifes to short"so I live it to the full and try not to be to serious, Regards L-RAY
Member: Erma G.
Location: Utica,N.Y.
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 5:55:40 AM
Resentment is the punishment/pain I inflict on myself and those around me for what somebody has done to me or mine.The person who hurt me was just being themselves.Usually they don't have a clue that they've even hurt me.And if they do,they don't care because it's just who they are.Praying for them helps ME.Turning the resentment over to my HP relieves me of the responsibility for what happens next so that my path is clear for the Great Spirit to lead me in a positive direction.It frees me from the grip of the past and allows me to move forward untethered.It's kind of like taking a warm shower.Aren't you glad you have a program?Don't you wish everyone did? Peace of mind is my most valuable possession.I will guard it with the steps and my HP help.At least for today.Thanks for a good meeting.
Member: T-Bone
Location: S.Fl
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 7:01:36 AM
Resentments are a difficult topic for me. I have been sober for a year now and have worked thruogh the steps to the best of my limited abilities. However, I stayed stuck on step four for a long time because everyone kept telling me to write down all the people I had resented and how those people affected me and in truth I couldn't think of many. Most, if not all, of my resentments were about me. I resented the things I had done, I resented the results that I created in the situations in my life, I resented doing or not doing this and that. The person I resented most in my life was me. So I moved on. Oh, I had many amends to make but not due to resentments. I don't resent me so much anymore and that is progress for me. Thanks P.S. There you go again Bikerbabe, just when I think I've got you figured out, you go and amaze me. (great share)God, how I resent your illogical logic. LOL.
Member: Vee
Location: Midwest
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 7:31:28 AM
You guys are all a gas, esp. Erma!!! Remember "Aren't you glad you use Dial. Don't you wish everybody did?" It's LIKE B.O. This is the key. I have a Program and need to work it. Think I'll just take all this experience, strength and hope with me and go have a real nice Memorial Day. Y'all do too, unless you have other plans. THANKS FOR ALL THE HELP, I REALLY NEEDED IT AND IT WORKS!
Member: Hamish
Location: Sydney,Australia
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 10:18:43 AM
Hamish, Grateful Alcoholic. I just try and remind myself "there are no justified resenments" because they will destroy my peace of mind. Still learniing but making great "progess" from when I think back to when I put down my last drink.My head still gets in the way. I often PRAY for the person. I've done a bit of work in this area but still need to tackle the 4th step and need to hand over to God more. Slowly, learning to trust my Higher Power more. By the grace of God 18 months sober. Wow, the quality of my life has improved. Hugs to all and remember "one day at a time don't pick up the first drink" and go to meetings:) Lastly, hang around in AA and the miracle will happen.
Member: Pete H.
Location: AZ...U.S.A.
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 1:09:34 PM
I had almost given up on you "bikerbabe". This is Pete, a real alcoholic. I too refer some ppl new in "AA" to professonial help with this caviott...find a person familiar with the "ADULT CHILD" syndrome. That for me was the personal link to recovery. I too was abused and needed guidence from a person with the soft touch to get me prepared to accept myself just as I am, and help me look in the mirror and say "I LOVE YOU" and really mean it. The reason I couldn't was mostly due to the fact that I had many terrible resentments toward my parents, who didn't do the best they could, but did what they themselves had been taught in their necular families. I pray all who need to find their way come to peace with themselves and forgive themselves so that they may forgive others and finally live "happy, joyous, and free". I will be sober 13 years this June 15th and spend much of my time taking "AA" meetings behind the walls where but for the grace of God I would have languished for many years had it not been for the fellowship of "AA" and all of YOU!!!!!! I remain, yours in love and service, Pete
Member: Cynthia H.
Location: Tx.
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 3:14:14 PM
Cynthia alcoholic, Hi to all, I remember how hard it was for me in early recovery to let go of resentments, they had served me well You know fueld the fire to drink at people. It has been a slow process to let go. One of the first things I heard was I had to learn to take responsibilty for my feelings and thoughts( BB says we had to drop the word BLAME from our vocabulary) The other thing that helped me was another prayer in the BB I think it's in the family afterwards which goes something like ( This is a sick person,God show me how to take a kind and tolerant veiw, how can I be helpful.Most of all over praticing the things I've learned in AA I have learned a new way of thinking, which has helped me to be more willing to let go of resentments.I no longer have the expectations I use to have of others, I realize we are all humans and each have our own hidden agendas but I now know I don't have to play the games, I know now how to take care of myself and have learned to take responsablity for me.I use to be familiar with the pain resentments brought, now I recognize that pain and start getting busy praying, changing my thinking, and giving it to God.I am so grateful for all the things sobeiety has given me, just remember it didn't happen over nite for any of us. Pratice the principals being the key. As my husband says keep taking the body the mind will follow. Thanks to all of you, some good stuff.
Member: Cat A
Location: Santa Cruz CA
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 3:19:04 PM
Hi Cat Alkei. Thanks everyone for sharing. I am visiting friends out of state and started to cop a resentment last night. It was 10 pm and I found my self ( three years into my sobriety) craving a drink and starting to bounce off walls. my friends are normies and have known me since the days of my being drunk. So last night I was able to talk openly about my bouncing off the walls. My resentment was that my sleeping dragon appears from time to time (less often now days) but I had nobody sober to call to say I need to hang out right now. So it was about getting back down to basics for me. what would my sponcer have me do If I was to call her right now? Write about it to take the power out of it, write a God letter to have the obssesion and resentment removed then pray about it. turn everything over to my HP. Thus doing all this did help take the power out of the cravings and the resentment. It also gave me some thing to put my bouncing energy into. And it does come down to for me even though there are no recovering Alkies around for me to hang out with this late at night and all the meetings are done for today, I am not alone. I have my HP to hang with, to write to, to prayto and talk with. ANd today is a fresh day. every day is a fresh day to live my living amends to my self. By loving my self and doing what I need to do to to take care of me in a healthy way. I love being sober and continuing to work on me as a person. Through working on my steps and having the ability to be open and honest within my self I have been able to let go of so much that I carried around with me my whole life, thus allowing room for growth, allowing room for love from my HP and self love. the resenments I pick up today are short lived and nothing on the scale that they use to be when I first walked into the rooms of AA because I use the tools handed down to me. I really needed everbodies share today so thank you all for being there.
Member: DB
Location: KC
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 5:33:49 PM
I am Dave Alcholic. Resentments are #1 Offender to alcoholics. Poision is destructive and fatal just like these resentments. the grouch and the brainstorm maybe a luxury for normal people but this destructive for us, because the insanity that comes back with them resentments, and with us to drink is to die, that is we have a fatal disease, and we must get rid of this anger or it kills us, but how do we do this, that is what the fourth step shows us how to uncover discover and discard these things, so the sunlight of the spirit can shine on us, I was in the shadows for a long time I was frozen there now the ice is melting and i am not so cold as a person, and it is only by the grace of God that i have been given this gift of sobriety i was ready to come out from the shadows, I love God, Love the fellowship and love AA,
Member: Mark
Location: Albany, NY
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 6:29:27 PM
Oh jimminy cricket here I go again. The whole thing in the BB about "justifiable(or does it say righteous) anger being the dubious luxury of normal men" along with resentment being our #1 offender have got to be two of the bigger "cons" in the whole AA repertoire of ridiculous sayings. While my ESH is not by any means exhaustive of all human experience, which is one of my priciples to remember when dealing with others, it is nonetheless what it is. That is that I've certiainly had not only justifiable or righteous anger and not drank over it, that my comrades in life is something called HEALTHY!!! Believe and do what you want with it but I wouldn't trade being able to feel my feelings, both good and bad, without fear of recrimination from the "AA God(s)" for anything in the world!! I was a human being long before I was an alcoholic, whether anyone else believes that or not is irrelevant, and I Can and Do have all the same feelings as ALL other human beings, not just other alcoholics. Not only do I find it unthinking to imply that we as alcoholics are anything less than human, I find it equally distasteful and stupid to think we are the elitists and "better than" as it's clearly neither. I am human being who happens to have a "little" situation where drinking alcohol is concerned, nothing more nothing less! I am no better, nor worse than anyone else and while I haven't drank for a long period of time, that is quite honestly no big acomplishment in my book--not for me! Think what you want, but my biggest current resentment is probably at AA itself, or maybe more correctly the vast majority of people within AA who ALL seem to think they're experts in every area of life now that they haven't had a drink in so-and-so period of time. Like I said, in the whole scheme of life, that really doesn't matter very much if that's all I did. Yet in AA that seems to be ALL that counts, and thus my not only current resentment, but it may actually be growing because of the INtolerance that that particular veiw is greeted with. For a nice example just watch and see how "warmly" it's greeted here??? Plus the AA nazi's are going to say and wish me to drink again, but guess what kids??? I'll NEVER drink again because I Love God too much and that as Mr. Brown says, IS THAT!!!!! BIKERBABE<<<>>>>))(( I'm on the way honey,, kickin it Live at ya baby, here we goooooo............VVVVVrrrroooooommmm............
Member: Bikerbabe
Location: Hellishelping
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 7:47:05 PM
Oh perfect.. resentments i'm right on time.. hello everyone. i am burning a bad one right now.. dont' know where in the hellishelping this came from... but here goes...David if your not dead from drinkin yet.. I hate your fk'n guts! i wish you were fk'n dead.. i hope you drink lots and phone me soon so i can tell you to f'k off again! pr'k, s-o-bt'ch.,, bstrd, b'ch bstrd...bitch! If bikerbabe wasnt' so classy like she is she would even call him a C'nt..... but that's low man! i got my limits....h mm... and thanks for ruining my f'kn dreams you FAG! guess alcoholism is more self-centurd than i bargined for... as your drinking was more important than our engagement...(Talk about your carmic f'kn debt paid!! )) You egotistical f'kn loser fag... f'cn f'k!!! F'k yu. Well that just about wraps it up...oh ya...i feel better already... thanx god... now leave me in peace about it please.
Member: If I were chair,
Location: I'd say this:
Date: 5/26/2003
Time: 10:21:15 PM
Mark-NY and BikerB----, try rereading own posts!!! Then read those above them. Go buy a clue and leave the rest of us to suffer in sobriety, please!!! You're sure that's what we're doomed to, so please let us live our self-imposed sentence!!!
Member: robert j.
Location: angel beach
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 1:15:18 AM
Ithink of a resentment and a trespass as meaning virtually the same thing,when I finally started to make sense out of the Lords Prayer it made sense to me that to be forgiven I must forgive,call it selfish if you like but it works for me..anytime I pray my faith is strengthened so it's..all good.
Member: BB
Location: BB
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 2:03:15 AM
HONESTY GOT US SOBER AND TOLERANCE KEEPS US SOBER.
Member: Lisa
Location: Germany
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 2:50:51 AM
I had just come out of a meeting last night and was sharing with someone on this very topic. I had justifiable anger and I didn't drink. I did go into a very long dry drunk, though. It was only by the grace of God that I didn't drink or fall into more of my old behaviors than I did. I caused damage to my family and myself. I started going to meetings where I knew no one would confront me about my part. I spoke to people who I knew would just let me spew my self-pity. I through all my energy into working out and, although, I was physically very fit, mentally and spiritually I was bankrupt. Although, at some level I knew the pain I was feeling was caused by my not letting go of this resentment, in some sick way I still wanted to hold on for just a little while longer. The problem for me is that when I hold on to a resentment my thinking becomes twisted. I don't see the situation clearly anymore and , in fact, I even add some unreal things to it. For me, I had to do what some have already suggested. First, I needed to changed my focus from the negative to the positive because for me the more I focus on negative things, the more there are and vice versa. I had to forgive the person with whom I had the resentment by using alot of prayer. And I had to look at my part, not how I made the person wound me, but what I did afterwards. Although, someone hurt me, I chose for a very long time to hold onto the pain and resentment and to feel justified in my actions. Forgiving the person freed me from my own bondage. Also, as one person already shared, there is someone in my life with whom I need to have very limited contact. I accept the fact that I can not change her, but I refuse to put myself in an ongoing situation to be hurt. For Sito, when I became willing to work these steps my life began to change. I really believe that the problems I face in life can be best handled by the working of these steps. My husbands family is from PR and its great. Vega Baja beach is beautiful! I also believe as one writer that we aren't really any different than those we call "normies." We don't have the market on pain, weird thinking, or choices. With the help of God and this program my life today is normal and manageable. I just can't drink like them.
Member: Moman
Location: Wis
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 4:50:09 AM
What i don't let go of, will just drag me down.The older i get the easier it seems to be able to do. LET GO. Holy Cow, Bikerbabe all that fk'n, fk'n, and all that, you seem like my kind of lady. You do make a good point, some of us need more than A.A., I used the other PRO'S , TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND MYSELF . Jeepers and Golly Gee, i got to go. Thank you all.
Member: PaulM
Location: South Florida
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 5:29:56 AM
PaulM-Alcoholic-As someone told me at a meeting last week-"Nobody has offered me the job of God, and quite frankly I think it would be too much pressure anyway." How does this tie into resentment? I find myself resenting people who I don't think "do enough" for society. I've become very judgemental and need to start understanding that I'm not God and that my way is not the only way. Resentment definitley becomes a toxic in your bloodstream and poisons your whole being. I'm at another crossroads in my life (relationship issue) and have to decide which way to go-I've been sober a little more than a year and am not sure I trust my judgement-In the past I inevitably made bad decisions and definitley don't want to take a step backwards-Of course part of my relationship trouble stems from-you guessed it-resentment. Have to figure this out somehow-maybe prayer?
Member: Ron L.
Location: Winnipeg. Man. Can.
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 7:25:36 AM
Theres a saying, " the only big book some people will ever see is the one your wearing." For those of you who are still useing that bar room language..for what reason I have no idea, Out of respect for us members who have become sober long enough to leave that kind of vituperate behind, could you try to tone it down at little. Some of you claim to have years of sobriety and are still swearing like that. You got to be kidding eh.
Member: Ruth
Location:
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 7:27:16 AM
I'm Ruth and I'm an alcoholic. Along the sobriety journey, I've recognised that there are really only two emotions: love and fear. Resentments in my experience are always born out of fear. Fear of my vulnerability, fear of being rejected, fear of being hurt. My first sponsor taught me that the antidote to fear (and resentment means feeling the fear over and over)is love. I don't have to like certain behaviours, but I must allow that one I'm resenting to walk their path, just as I am free to walk my own. I find a wonderful silent affirmation is: I love you and it's none of your business! Thanks for being there for me.
Member: AnilG
Location: Mt Vernon,IL
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 8:09:26 AM
I am an alcoholic resentments to me is equal to being spritual the first step to become and practice sprituality is to have no resentments.against anyone anybody. my mind feels so relaxed when I am angry think about what tool do I have what I have learned from the aa is not to carry this inside my head let resentments poison my mind. thanks toaa alanon.
Member: Well, your NOT chair
Location: So shove it pal
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 8:28:09 AM
Hello Mr./Ms. Intolerant, got you out of your comfy little "AA world" I see, nice! Now maybe you can try something like A)thinking and B)getting a life outside of AA. You're right, you cam suffer in your misery all you want, but you don't have to, it's your choice. However what you're NOT right about is trying to shut down someone with an actual thought of their own just because it doesn't agree with your conformity. Good Luck trying my friend, but I'll tell you that only makes the strong stronger to know we're having an effect! Sounds to me like you may even have a resentment over it--so there I'm even on the topic, not really rocket science now is it?????
Member: Well, your NOT chair
Location: So shove it pal
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 8:31:47 AM
Hello Mr./Ms. Intolerant, got you out of your comfy little "AA world" I see, nice! Now maybe you can try something like A)thinking and B)getting a life outside of AA. You're right, you can suffer in your misery all you want, but you don't have to, it's your choice. However what you're NOT right about is trying to shut down someone with an actual thought of their own just because it doesn't agree with your conformity. Good Luck trying my friend, but I'll tell you that only makes the strong stronger to know we're having an effect! Sounds to me like you may even have a resentment over it--so there I'm even on the topic, not really rocket science now is it?????
Member: max c
Location: houston tx.
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 8:49:32 AM
hello everyone,I sure like this site as usual lots of thngs i like and some i don't understand and a couple i coulda went without ever hearing.lol anyway like someone said it's ok 2 get mad.(gonna happen) but if your mad more that a couple days u may have a resentment.I had 2 sit down with my trusted friend 2 find a lot of my resentments.I didn't think i had any.4 example my mom i would think of things that happened between us and then think well she did the best she could.therefor not realizing,that i did have a couple with her.(turns out i did that with everyone)nothing realy super tragic happened 2 me was just a lot of stuffed little stuff.and the solution is (like everyone has already said) prayer,finding my part and since (i cant change the past) acceptance.my first prayer 4 those was God may they get what they deserve.progressed a little from there 2 god may they get what i think i deserve.hanging there now.progress not perfection.well thats my opion.These steps could uncover some very tough 2 deal with things.have no fear 2 seek outside proffesional help with these issues.says it in the book.and there are a lot of people that think they have all the answers.lol me one of them ( i can solve all your problems.now that i know that about me i think it may be so with others. 1 of the hardest things 4 me is taking my own advice lol.don't ususlly cuss in chat rooms until someone complains. its ok 2 stand in shit just don't sit down.everyone has a opionion if u hear it 3 times u may want 2 check it out don't believe everything u hear here.thanks 4 being there 4 me. keep comming back.one more thing lol sry there are 72 different feelings.saw them on a paper, 72 little circle faces with different expressions, from one of those proffesional help places.(i wasn't there was just a copy)lol .I can only name a few if i tried hard.i have learned 2 not act on what i feel or what i think i feel.sometimes i think im really mad and turns out my feelings are hurt.so i'm sure i get other feeling mixed up. lol I sure will be glad when i can say all that in about 3 sentences like the old timmers.and thats what i think today. love ya all
Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 9:43:08 AM
Craig here, another “real alcoholic” (page 21). In my cups, life was one on-going resentment. My insane thinking made me hold on to and chew resentments and keep drinking until I finally passed out. I often would spend days fantasizing about how I would say this or that, or should have said it. I would relive a situation over and over, putting you in your place. Alcohol finally pounded the crap out of me. When I had no more energy left, except to find more booze and I finally stopped fighting I became willing to see a higher Truth. The Steps and specifically the 4th, helped me see my insane thinking. Today, when I get a “justified” (lol), resentment going. I no longer keep it to myself. I turn to God, I call my sponsor or another drunk. I usually won’t let something go, until I gain the courage to look at the Truth, and admit my part. Sometimes my anger may result in assertive positive action as long as my motive is driven by compassion.
Member: Rosemary
Location: Gainesville
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 1:42:38 PM
Hi. my name is rosemary and i'm an alcoholic. i have a conern that i'd like to discuss. i am have a pretty bad cold right now and am having trouble sleeping at night because i can't breath all that well. is there something ultra safe that i can take at night to help me? i know this is a controversial subject and everyone has their own opinion on it. i've been sober for 4 years and have taken over-the- counter nighttime stuff when i am sick. but now i want to re-evaluate that and make sure that i am doing the best i can for my sobriety. thanks for any input. God bless you all! love ya, rosemary. :)
Member: Rosemary
Location:
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 1:54:04 PM
sorry. i shouldn't have posted what i posted. i should have stayed on the topic. i apologize.
Member: A Friend
Location: Cyberspace
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 2:11:56 PM
SITO: Take that sponsor up on his offer. Six years is too long to work alone.
Member: Jan BB
Location: UK
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 2:37:52 PM
((Rosemary)) A thought, why not go to the Dr. and get what you relly need to get well. Take as directed, rest assured. Well done on 4 years!
Member: Rosemary
Location:
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 2:50:27 PM
thank you jan :)
Member: smiley
Location: wa
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 3:27:09 PM
hello, anitra here, i really dont have any resentments at this time. but what i have learned is to stay away from those who would push my buttons to drink. and ive learned to deal with my anger in a different way. like talking it out with soomeone. then once i get it off my chest i feel better. for me its good to have a partner who is understanding and is just there for me when i need him. even when i drop a load on him. he just listens and if i want an opinion he will give it to me. and if i dont he wont. ive only been sober for a couple of months. and as time goes by im sure ill have resentments pop up.
Member: Bikerbabe
Location: Hellishelping
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 4:33:00 PM
I have taken a tylenol extra strenght for a headache and still wanted a sober life more, and had enough faith in my higher power.. which i would like to add is very very powerful... and all was well. I guess i didn't question it too much because i knew my "motive" was genuine and i wanted to be clean and sober.. Ohh yooo hooooo Ron.. hi honey... I shall immediately stop my foul language and change my self accordingly to meet your requests... no problem... anything else honey? maybe you don't like harley's either? hmmm should i sell it? You know.. co-denpendancy is a bitch sweetheart... and you might want to look at that.. before it causes you more "resentments" But hey buddy don't sweat it.. the world didn't turn the way i thought it should many many times and i learned to cope... if i can do it, anyone can..? And for those who can't . well they probably won't be here for long so who cares? bye now...oh and one more thing,,, i'll bet you a million dollars that you cannot say honestly that you don't ever cuss... No ,, 10 million.
Member: D-flat
Location: Fargo
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 7:02:50 PM
resentments yes I would have to go with the book on this that it is our #1 killer, it seems to me that there is somthing that leads up to my resentments like somthing i havent dealt with in my life,I cant live with resentments it erodes my quality of life pretty soon im picking out every tiny negetive thing about anyone i see and if they dont have one i make one up. I agree with mark from Albany, human emotions are what we have, and we have to learn to deal with them in a better way. and hey Bikerbabe you have a Harley I want a ride sometime :)
Member: Ron
Location:
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 7:16:15 PM
Hi Ron. Alcoholic My trade when I was in the work force was a underground miner. as such I prided myself in being what a cracker jack miner was suppose to be. SEX - VIOLENCE - and PROFANITY When I came to A.A. I tryed to leave that part of me behind and even though I seen your try at swearing as only a beginner I never have swore at a meeting at least in the last 29 years. and am better off for it. any way the last guy what gave me some back talk I told him that I rip him in two and beat the crap out of both of him. and them I would get a 2x4 and hit him so hard across the bridge of the nose that blood would squirt out of his ears etc. etc. Bikerbabe the handle doesn't fit your effert at trying to impress us with how hard you are trying to be, ha ha you make me laugh
Member: Butch
Location:
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 7:25:36 PM
Did i read Blood, 2+4, spliting in half, chill out ron, you may have not sworn in a meeting in 29yrs, but maybe you should have.
Member: tt
Location:
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 10:14:11 PM
Biker Babe, Get off of this site, you dont belong here.
Member: Joseph R
Location: Talagante, Chile
Date: 5/27/2003
Time: 11:34:55 PM
Resentment is the NUMBER ONE OFFENDER!!! It cuts us off from the sunlight of the spirit,the insanity returns and we drink again. Yes this is paraphrased,but its true. First I have to ask myself,do I need to inventory this problem? If the answer is yes,which it usually is,I inventory. Now if there is need for discussion,which there usually is,I do it(sometimes not so fast or easily,but now a days I do it) If I find it nescasary to read page 67 in the big book,I ought too,then practice what the directions say. Also I have found it helpful to use my GODbox,which isnt in the bigbook,but I have found it a useful physical tool to help me. I merely write down my problem,then place it in the box and leave it there.I mean physically leave the`paper in the box and not returning to it to see the staus of my problem-I would like to call that practice faith. Now Ive come to the conclusion,I cannot like everyone,nor will everyone like me,so I have to ask my self in what way can I just not care for someone,but not hate them at the same time. I have found if it is someone in a meeting,I always shake there hand no matter how I feel about them. We are not saints,we practice this program. progress,not profection the book says. So I have to practice. By know means does falling back some yards mean I have to drink. I suppose you may want to look at your problems as challenges or even blessings,but never give up. What irritates you today,will have no bearing in a year from now. EASY DOES IT!!! But do it!!!
Member: Melanie
Location: Akron, Ohio, USA
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 12:35:53 AM
Hello, friends. I'm Melanie, a human being with a Major "Alcohol Situation" currently in remission ;). To me, anger is a normal human emotion that can't be entirely avoided. Resentment is different (IMO). That's when I dwell on how some particular person has intentionally wronged or defamed me! Resentment is the kind of anger that gets personal and festers in the mind and gut. "Any one could see that was an intentional act aimed at harming Poor Me!" Now, the OLD resentments were dealt with through working the steps. Steps 4 and 5 in particular helped me put the past behind me where it belongs. But when I was not yet ready for that process, I learned some ways to avoid new resentments. First, I tell myself, "accept." This mini Serenity Prayer reminds me that I can't change others at all. Then, I tell myself, "God is with me." A reminder that I can handle this situation, because I have help. I often have to remind myself that I am far too insignificant in the world for others to waste their time plotting against me. I try to see the situation from the other's point of view and remember that lots of people are living in fear themselves. (and some just aren't tactful.) And if I still have that resentment rolling around in my head at night, pray for the person as is recommended. ALL the steps have helped me change my thoughts and actions and keep my side of the street clean. My sordid past reminds me that ALL of us make mistakes and who am I to judge another? The changes in ME have helped me to get along with others without so many resentments. Love and Peace to YOU my friends.
Member: Bikerbabe
Location: Gonna git yu sucka!!!
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 4:24:35 AM
D-Flat.. ha ha ha...that's good.. make up a resentment if you cant find one.. your awesome...I can so re-late....(( Oh dear me; it seems i have a few enemies.. o dear . o well i guess i'll have to leave the pot cause i'm still so dependant on what other people think of me... boo hoo..... did someone say i was hard? i don't get it. ? impress people.. ya i'm sure that's exactly why i am being and saying what i think and feel.. to impress others... good golly man: that's gross! ((he who says it is the one who thinks it.... ANALYZE THAT !YOU RAT BASTARDS!! oh man i love life.. this is great... RAT BASTARDS.. ANALYZE THAT... GET IT?,,, I think im gonna fall off my chair Mark.
Member: Saddened
Location: Earth
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 5:51:43 AM
Analyze this: Our common welfare should come first.Personal recovery depends upon AA unity.Love you all.
Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 9:25:26 AM
Hi, Kelly an alcoholic. Thanks ((Joseph R)) and ((Melanie)) for the wisdom. I needed that last night. They say you get what you need if you keep coming and that has been true for me.
Member: Julie M.
Location: Alva, Fl
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 11:15:05 AM
HI Everyone, Jules here and I'm an alcoholic that can always find resentment. I am one of those people who resent the other half for drinking, when I can't. I sometimes find resentment at work, because someone gets a better group of patients than I have. I must live in today not yesterday or tomorrow. I stop when I feel the resentment causing me anger, and pray to my higher power to give me strenght and let it go. Then once in a blue moon I will apologize for being so hateful. Usually noone notices my attitude with resentment, but now I'm sober today I see and feel it coming and try real hard to end the feeling before it takes control. Resentment is a very bad poison and does eat away our sobriety if we don't do something about it. I am very greatful I have someone to talk to about it and pray to my higher power and I feel so much better. Thanks for the great topic and the reminder of how dangerous it can be. Jules
Member: Mike H
Location: Jackson
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 4:21:42 PM
I used to spend many a sleepless night because of resentments and anger. I talked about it at a meeting and the advice I got was this: Why are you letting this rob you of sleep? Do you think that person is losing sleep over you? Probably not so turn it over to your HP and go to sleep. Another word of wisdom I received is this: How important is it? Two weeks from now, will it matter? Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Vinny B
Location: Belfast N.Ireland
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 5:35:03 PM
Is it not sad that so many of you get so resentful at the slightest opportunity. I wondor what would have become of me as a newcommer to AA and found people like you...."our common welfare"..mmmmmmm. I know this is run in the best AA traditions but honestly a lot of you guys/gals/its should stick to chat rooms, birds of a feather etc. Better still go to a meeting proper for a few years and act out as you do on the pot. I dont think so. grow or go. I was taught as a newcomer to pray for those I hated or resented, for health wealth happiness and more, and to pray untill i meant it. It worked 17 years ago it still works today (for me). Be good
Member: Susan A.
Location: Vernon, CT
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 5:43:06 PM
Hi all, I'm Susan and I'm an Alcoholic. Good topic, Vee. I have a couple resentments that I 'keep around' too. Really old, deep seated resentments that are keeping me feeling futile and unhappy. I got to hurting pretty bad, and yesterday remembered that 'pain is inevitable, but misery is optional'. In a meeting last night, I read about resentments on p.67, and it's a very good discription of what happens to me. So, as has happened before with this one, I become aware that I'm re-feeling old hurts and old angers again, "making myself sick and blaming the other guy", I try (as I am today) to remember when I feel resentment, I'm letting the other guy direct my thinking. I make a decision again to have a power greater than myself direct my thinking -because I don't want to hurt like that anymore-. And even if I don't -want- to get rid of the resentment (let's face it, it's sick, but sometimes it's fun to blame the other guy), I try to do what I believe God wants me to do, and pray for the person I have the resentment against. I was reminded about the story on pp.551 & 552 last night, and realized I could be free and have peace of mind, if I'd only quit fighting and start praying (not easy for me to do with this one). OK, so I'm trying it, and I believe it will help, 'cause I've seen it help others, so why not me?! And, why not you, too. You see, if I don't take action to get rid of resentments, this alkie will only stay feeling bad for so long before I get insane again and think a drink will fix me. I don't want that, so I have to stay 'into action'. See you all next week.
Member: Mary L
Location: Phoenix Arizona
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 6:10:07 PM
Bikerbaby Your one sick poor excuse for a human being. Why don't you just go away as it was said your not wanted here on this site
Member: Susan A.
Location: Vernon, Connecticut
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 6:22:36 PM
(Well, I thought I was gone for the week) Keep coming back, Mary L. Bikerbabe's just a free spirit, and a lovely one, in her own warped way. How would you feel if someone told you to go away, that you're not wanted in AA?
Member: Maggie
Location: IL
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 6:22:47 PM
We are taught in A.A. to express ourselves, something we could never do while we were drinking, but NOT at the expense of others. When words or language becomes offensive, its time to speak up. Biker babe(or whatever you are) were you not taught comon decency? Say what you want with basic respect for others. If you were in a face to face meeting you would be thrown out on your ass. Maybe you would be tolerated the first few times, but thats it. Stop using this site as a weapon for your anger, get with the rest of us or leave.
Member: just
Location: for mag-pie
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 7:06:10 PM
who made ya tha boos???
Member: Perry
Location: the islands
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 8:29:52 PM
The only thing to be done with a soul like the bikerbabe, is to love her until she can do it herself. She's sick, not bad. Children act out. People can and do get sober without growing up. I've walked in her shoes. I wasn't bad, either. And people treated me well. No matter how many times I've reworded this it still sounds condescending. I don't mean it to. I don't feel that way. We all need help, we all need love.
Member: Michael B.
Location: AZ
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 10:37:02 PM
Hi! My name is Michael, andI am a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober today only by the Grace of God and the Fellowship. Thanks for the sincere shares. welcome newcomers! My experience has shown me that staying sober through the program of AA and its emphasis on spirituality has, so far, kept me sober and allowed me to tackle resentments, although some of my deepest resentments demand a lot of patience on my part. Regarding the use of a sponsor (or spiritual advisor) on Step 4, I have found this to be absolutely necessary. The objectivity a sponsor can bring to the table for Step 4 can prevent unnecessary problems. For example, I failed to make adequate amends to an ex shortly after getting sober, something that could have been avoided if I had taken the suggestion to seek guidance from my sponsor. On the other hand, occasionally a sponsor and sponsee don't communicate effectively, so we need to choose our sponsors wisely.
Member: Bickering Babe?
Location: Tradition 3... (check it out sometime)
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 11:19:00 PM
AAhheeeemmm...))As i have said before.. and ill say it again,,, I'll not be going anywhere. and i'll not be marchin and dancin according to anyones tune,,, ever ever never in this lifetime or the next... But thanx for asking... (( I worked very hard to stop being an ass kisser for aa and start being myself.., and it will be a cold day in hell when i start listening to(( ""people 'who 'need 'other 'people to change for the sake of thier serenity: fuck off!)).. in fact the new pop phsycology term for people like you is "abusers" trying to controll others and manipulate them .....well its not going to work with bikerbabe...I got as much right to be here as anyone else and if you got a problem with that ... then i suggest you take your brain out of hock and see that sweethearts.. you got the problem,,, not me.... bye now... got an awesome life to keep pursuing.. how bout you? And ps... i would go to a meeting any fuckn day of the week and i would be exactly as i am here... and trust me. no -one would be throwing me anywhere... read the traditions.. yu stupid rat bastards... folly huck! This is funny... i'm out. im laughing too hard to type now anyhow.
Member: Joni W.
Location: Texas
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 11:40:47 PM
You know this is my first time here. I've never done AA online, but what I just read scared me to death and if I were a newcomer I would never come back. AA'S purpose is to carry the message and I'm not sure some of us here remember that. If you need to vent get a flippin sponsor and if you have one get another one, because thats the best way to deal with a resentment. I do a mini 4th step every week to keep my resents taken care of that way I don't have a 50 page 4th step every year. Oh yea last but not least pray and pray some more. P.S. If you would start that harley maybe we wouldn't beable to hear you
Member: "Attention all new comers...
Location: See Perry for humility....
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 11:44:10 PM
And one other thing.. what does that tell you, when you tell another person what they "need. or what they "should do? or we all need a sponsor ,, who the f'k do yu think you are... shut the f'k up! Read your F'kn manual.. it tells you right in there "im better off when i don't try assume what's best for others and when i don't try to have all the answers for anyone else... like do you get that?... The moral of that f'kn line is that people assume all sorts of shit about others and then start prayin for them: because "they "think (LORD LOVE US))... "they think they know the situation... give me a break... for example,,, people assume that i am so sick and all this f'kn crap.. its a joke... i not only have everything alot of people only dream about... i got many years of sobriety, and god, for gods sakes a guy who was still wet behind the ears was informing me how "HE "thought i should keep up the good work; ya... right buddy, he had me all figured out don't ya know. Guess where he is now? F'KN DEAD! from alcohol poisoning)) you new people need to listen and try to practice some humility.. this bizness of drinking kills when you can't learn to shut up and ask questions instead of yapping away about the sweet f'k all you know about getting this program... and staying sober... if i was new i would say hi i'm new, and shut up!... and lurk.. or ask questions... Stepping off the soap box now. Perry: way to go man.
Member: Welcome
Location: Joni
Date: 5/28/2003
Time: 11:53:20 PM
So Joni.. what do you know about it.. ? Like to comment on other peoples comments eh?,,,I thought you just said we are all suppose to remember to carry a message here? Isn't that what you just said? i just wonder why you don't take the advice you just gave out in your own post. If your not to "scared to death" why dont' you tell us what you know about staying sober and working the program.
Member: Bikerbabe
Location: Anytime /Anywhere
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 12:04:35 AM
Well that takes care of that .. thought i might be interested in hearing what mary and maggie know about working this program ,,, they kind of said it all already... (good principles before personalities ladies) Keep Coming Back.
Member: Melanie
Location: Akron, Ohio, USA
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 12:15:42 AM
Hello, friends. I'm Melanie, an alcoholic. I don't usually like to comment more than once or off the topic, but I feel the need. This is an A.A. meeting. As such, all people are welcome, particularly those with a desire to stop drinking or those who want to share their experience, strength and hope. This is also an uncensored public forum. I suggest that those who are offended by off color language should scroll by comments when they find offensive material. This week's topic is dealing with resentments. The content so far demonstrates that some of us are good at it and may have some wisdom to share with those who need help in this area. This forum is most helpful to those who can learn from the many positive examples. Even negativity here can teach us if we are ready to learn. I, for one, have no place judging others or telling anyone that they are not welcome here. Lord,help me to demonstrate your love and power in action.Amen.
Member: Does this
Location: help?
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 12:31:43 AM
The format for this meeting is a week long Topic Discussion. We ask that all sharing in this meeting be limited to the topic as it relates to your alcoholism and that each person try to share only once per week (this is not a chat room) Staying Cyber is an OPEN forum and is neither regulated nor censored following the best spirit of AA traditions. As a consequence, unsolicited and inappropriate remarks from non-members may appear.
Member: Jeff T.
Location: Ne.
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 12:35:44 AM
Wow! Good meeting! just thought i would check in on ya`ll & see whats up? No comment just reading the post`s. thanks.......... Jeff
Member: me
Location: one last time
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 12:55:27 AM
thanks for that Melanie.. isnt it just like an alkie to keep sittin in the barber chair; and then get pissed off about gettin a few hairs cut off...((i'm falling off my chair again. For anyone about to say how this is off topic... check it out... its right on in my estimation. Yes this has been quite a day... ide say god has been good to us all. Its just that he's been particularily good to me.... ha ha ha ha
Member: txangel
Location: dfw
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 1:27:50 AM
is she drunk or sober? resentments kill sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. I really needed a meeting tonight. Well I guess I'll look elsewhere.
Member: Tami H.
Location: Washington State
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 1:45:39 AM
Hi, Tami Alcoholic from Washington State. I have heard some very useful things here this evening, can hardly believe it's been going on all week; but my best to all of you who came before me. I have read that "resentment is the #1 offender" "Most of us try to hold onto our OLD ideas..." "we left ourseves open to being hurt" I like those things out of our Big Book & pg. 83-86, they keep me focused. I like the pages that list the promises, when I read them today I can actually hear what is being said. Chapter 11 bottom of the page stars "Now and then..." rings in my ears. "Love thy neighbor as thy self." pg. 199! and 67 is the best stuff on resentment~~ "When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." "We avoid retaliation or argument.... and so on.. I love you guys! Thank you so much for helping to keep me sober.
Member: Martha G.
Location: Northeastern city
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 1:51:44 AM
I didn’t go to Alcoholics Anonymous to find God. I didn’t go to AA to get sober, even. In 1979, at the age of 21, I went to my first AA meeting looking for bad boys in leather jackets, Lou Reed wannabes. My best friend, who I’d met in OA—Overeaters Anonymous—was the one who tipped me off. There was a meeting in one of the cooler neighborhoods in my dying steel town, a meeting where the air hung heavy with smoke and stories about Patti Smith waking people out of their junkie stupors. The people who attended even committed a big AA no-no—they mixed their talk of drinking with talk of drugs, just as they had when they were using. Did I want to go? Did I. So I went to my first AA meeting the way most people I know did: for all the wrong reasons. Talk to most people who stick around AA for any length of time, and as the fumes clear from their brains, the story they tell of their early sobriety sounds less like an epiphany, and more like an earthquake they barely survived. No one marches proudly to a first meeting. There are courts and crawling and police and slithering involved. I slunk to my first meeting. I didn’t think I had a drinking problem. In my 21 years, I’d managed to eat my way up to 170 and starve myself down to 74 pounds (I’m 5’3"), and when I entered Overeaters Anonymous, I was mildly overweight. You wouldn’t have noticed me on the street, either for my heft or lack thereof. But I was plagued with rage flashbacks over my formerly anorexic state, and I couldn’t control my eating. Overeaters Anonymous helped, though I wasn’t sure why. I learned that the program itself was modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous, the granddaddy of recovery programs. This intrigued me. OA was, at the time, overwhelmingly female. AA…well, it was started by a male stockbroker and a male doctor. If you pick up the book, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA’s famed "Big Book"), filled with AA stories, you’ll notice that it’s mostly about men and their drinking, circa the Depression. The text reeks of three-piece suits and hard liquor. There’s even a charmingly antique chapter titled "To Wives." Decades after AA began, it still had a distinctly male cast to it. And for me, that was part of its appeal. I was horny and lonely and 21, and my old drinking and eating buddies weren’t cutting it anymore. Also, AA stories are filled with dramatic brushes with death. In OA, you rarely heard much about that. (Now, with the uptick in anorexia and morbid obesity, I’m not so sure.) I’d never collapsed with a needle in my arm, but at my thinnest, I had passed out on a nurse taking blood—I hadn’t eaten in two days. I’d starved myself so much I gave myself visual and auditory hallucinations. The nurse in my high school had warned me that if I got one more flu, I’d be dead. During the worst parts of my anorexia, I had wished I was a heroin addict, so that I could be cool while I did my dying. I was a sick girl. I could, as they said in AA, identify. But I wasn’t crazy about the prayers that bookended any 12-step meeting I attended—an Our Father at the beginning, the Serenity Prayer at the end—even if the invitation to pray the latter began with "Will all those who care to, please join me in the Serenity Prayer." But though it had been years since I’d attended Mass without duress, and though I felt that talking about God the Father just reinforced the patriarchy, I said all the prayers. Said them out loud. Held every hand that wanted to be held. Because in the end, I wanted to belong, I wanted to be part of the Lou Reed wannabe club. Which didn’t stop me from feeling like a big fake on two fronts. Drinking was number one. I didn’t have the requisite big story. I’d broken up somebody’s marriage when I was 17, but that was a mostly sober, if stupid, time. I’d slept with people I hadn’t wanted to sleep with—but, with one flashy exception, I’d done that without boozing it up either. My drinking story was mostly about hanging around in gay bars with men who weren’t going to sleep with me, and coming up with ideas for movies and novels I couldn’t remember in the morning. My big failures were mostly about the incompletes I pulled in my English classes—which, thanks to the loosey-goosey liberal college I went to, just sat there, not even affecting my grades. I never ruined a business. I never threw a pet out a window. I never drove a car up the steps of a children’s hospital. I never punched out a blind kid. In AA story terms, I felt like a piker. Then there was the God thing. If you open the AA "Big Book," the cornerstone of AA philosophy, the language is both explicit and mysterious. Nobody gets better from alcoholism without a reliance on God—on something or someone bigger than your drunken, sorry self. AA is a spiritually spacious enough place to add the words "as you understand him," after the word God. But in the meetings I went to, in my hometown, people were quite open about their faiths, and the meetings reflected that. Nobody questioned whether the prayers should be said, or that somebody upstairs was listening. This was my dirty secret. I was a junkie for AA stories. When I thought about God, though, I thought about other people. The other people in the rooms. Their stories. How the stories all started the same way, and repeated, and repeated. That’s what addiction is: the same old stupid story, told in body after body. Cars crashed, marriages wrecked, jobs ended. That was the way every AA story began. And then, there’s the part that always woke me up: the day of stopping. That’s the day when you stop thinking of your life in the passive voice, when things stop happening to you, and you realize that you did them. As a writer, this fascinated me. If you stayed sober, you got to tell new stories about your life; you got to move from object to subject, from secondary character to protagonist. Ongoing recovery is a cliffhanger: I kept coming back to see if people had really pulled it off another hour, another day, another week. By Christmas, I had joined the club, calling myself an alcoholic, though I hadn’t quite stopped drinking. In AA lingo, I was a "periodic," someone who could go long days, longer weeks, without drinking, and fool herself that I had no problem, though the bottle sat square in the middle of my mind. Then I went to a Christmas party, a big shindig at a local hotel, with booze and food and booze and food. The party marked the end of a temp job I’d had—one of three I’d had since I graduated from college six months before. The only thing I had to look forward to was more unemployment, more strange days in my parents’ big, sad house. AA is a perverse little thing. One of the things they tell you in AA, that if you’re not sure you’re an alcoholic, go out and drink some more, try it on for size. In meetings, I’d hear people say piously, "AA ruined my drinking," and I’d think, "What bullshit." But as I ate and drank my way through the party, I kept waiting without results for the mixed drinks to give me that sweet wild lift. I kept waiting for the chocolate to make me wired and smart. I waited for the gin to take me to the place I used to go. Someone gave me a ride home. In the living room, my father slept, while on the stereo, Charlie Parker, Dad’s favorite addict jazzman, played so loud that you could hear him four houses away. I stumbled around the kitchen, looking for something to put in my mouth. I finished the dregs of one of my father’s drinks, a Martini with a lemon twist. All I could taste was metal. "Oh, God," I said. And put it down for good. That was it for my epiphany. That was the white light moment that people often talk about when they tell their AA stories in church basements and synagogue social halls. The taste of metal, and Charlie Parker wailing in the next room, and using the name of the deity as curse word. I stopped drinking and waited for God to show up again. Through the years I said the prayers. One of my 12-step friends confessed that for her, God was a black woman with a big lap, the Aunt Jemima of Jesus figures. When I imagined God at all I saw a blur. I was too much a self-aware feminist to see God as Big Daddy, even if I did say the Our Father. And I was too skeptical of the goddess culture to see Her as the Venus of Willendorf. But I did do the things that are supposed to get you "conscious contact" with a God "as you understand him." I did a "fearless and searching moral inventory" with a woman who looked like a cross between Joni Mitchell and Mimi Rogers. I made a list of my character defects, as AA suggests, and I burned it, as my AA sponsor, slightly Wiccan, recommended. Then I made amends—I sought out those who had been harmed by those character defects. I was raised Roman Catholic in the middle of the 1960s, just old enough to memorize the Mass in Latin in first grade and then never use it again. I never liked confession—in fact, very early on, I began to make up my sins, just to see if the priest would catch me. He never did, which made me cynical and smug: I was a good storyteller. When I made amends to people, it never quite worked out the way I planned it. I didn’t get that neat and tidy resolution that being in the confessional used to give me. People spilled or sprawled or spit at me. And yet somehow, I felt better than I ever did exiting confession. But God wasn’t a piece of this, either. Making amends to people I had harmed, either on a periodic or a daily basis, didn’t show me my Higher Power. It just made my story that much more interesting. Perhaps the central miracle of my sober life isn’t, in fact my own. It was—it is—my father’s sobriety. Three months after I gave up the drinking ghost, my father checked himself into rehab. He had wandered away from an important business lunch, driven without a license, smashed up a car, and finally, while detoxing, slit an artery in his head as he convulsed, reaching for a Diet 7-Up in a refrigerator. Dad and I rarely went to meetings together. But we often encountered each other, with surprise and pleasure, like old buddies bumping into each other at a bar. Dad fell in love with AA, so much so that some of his friends referred to him as "the Mayor." He dressed for meetings, with jaunty hat, and an extra handkerchief, he said, to wipe off the lipstick of all the ladies who wanted to kiss him hello. Then doctors found a lump of cancer in my father’s brain. The size of a baseball, they said, the cliché especially infuriating because Dad loathed sports. But Dad got the picture. He threatened suicide. He urinated on a Barcalounger chair in his hospital room and didn’t even notice. One of Dad’s dearest AA pals was in the room when it happened. Dad’s pal acted as if nothing was wrong. And indeed, nothing was. The air smelled of urine, and they went on talking. If they’d been drunk together, they wouldn’t have mentioned the pee, either. During that year, I staggered back to some kind of faith. It is either a good thing or a very bad thing that Dad got cancer just as new age medical folks were starting to make the mind-body connection. I bought it big-time. I wanted to believe that Dad’s brain was strong enough to talk back to the cancer. After all, he’d rewired himself for sobriety, hadn’t he? Dad and I now visualized like bastards, imagining the cancer beaten back by a series of military metaphors. But that’s when Dad’s mostly dormant Catholic imagery came to the fore. "I’m a piece of coal, and God’s dropped me from his airplane, and I’m plunging through the earth," Dad said. Meanwhile, AA folks attended my father in droves. It was not unusual to for a crew to show up at our house to literally lift Dad into a car to get him to a meeting. When Dad lost the ability to walk, Dad’s sponsor created an ad hoc meeting at our house. When Dad fell into a coma, AA members read to him in the hospital room, as the smell of his bedsores filled the room. When he died, we buried him with his hat. Even during the year of my father’s cancer, the idea of drinking didn’t really occur to me. The idea of suicide did, though, especially after my live-in boyfriend had a drunken romp with a man with herpes, in the house of a mutual friend. It wasn’t so much I wanted to die, as I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. I went to meetings in a state of fury. I spoke in tongues. I could barely hear what people said, but I didn’t drink. I wasn’t angry with God that year, only cancer. I didn’t think God was all that interested in cancer. But every time I would admire His Handiwork, I would also spot some place where His Chaos was in full bloom. After my father’s death, the idea of God stopped making any sense to me at all. When people first come to AA, shaking and dry and wrecked, they are urged to "use the group," to "act as if," to "fake it until you make it." In the beginning, I found most of these slogans loathsomely saccharine. Now, I use them incessantly. I’ve gone from thinking that AA was mostly made of morons to becoming convinced that AA founders Dr. Bob and Bill W. managed to careen their way to a kind of elegant American Buddhism. Kind of Zen Mind, Alkie Mind. Because when I go to meetings now, I feel more at home than ever. I live in a big city where it is possible to find all flavors of AA meetings, including those aimed at the agnostic. But that isn’t why I feel at home. I don’t believe in God, and I say so, and no one throws me out. Because ultimately, the only requirement for AA membership, as I hear in every meeting, is a desire to stop drinking. And I still want that. Some people may thank me for my sharing. Still others, I am sure, think I will drink soon. It has been 21 years since I did, but they may be right. It matters less and less to me what I believe, and more and more to me that I show up, a day at a time, in my life, and listen to the stories of others doing the same thing. Occasionally, I offer advice, mostly in the form of—stories about my life. My most usual prayer is the AA short form of the Serenity Prayer, which is: "Fuck it." This feels like enough. AA is quite short on absolutes, but there is a portion in the AA "Big Book" that suggests that if you stick around, your life will change, and get better. Mine certainly has. I’m married now, to a man I love, and I have a mother-in-law I adore. More than fifty years ago, my Jewish mother-in-law survived her time in the concentration camps by pretending to be Christian. She memorized the Hail Mary in Polish, and she has never, to this day, forgotten it. She never believed in the prayer, but it still saved her life. Recently, my husband and I began volunteering at an animal shelter in a bombed out part of a city known for its drug trade. At the shelter, we walk a dog that, when we buy our home, we may adopt. She is a two-year-old beagle mix, already the mother of puppies, already abandoned once on the streets. She was distant when we first walked her, pulling on the leash, not the least interested in us. Now she nuzzles us, nips us, runs with us. Now yanks us forward, takes us where we don’t want to go. We avoid broken bottles and syringes and fast food wrappers, but we try to follow her lead. Last week, the dog yanked us down a solitary street—and suddenly, we were on a pretty patch of grass. Her name is Faith.
Member: JCH
Location: Dallas
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 2:46:44 AM
JCH- 1-8-98 The one thing I have learned in the program is the answer is usually simple, and that I must be honest with another person that I trust or am willing to trust. I have a habit of procrastination, that causes me to want to think,talk,figure out,analyze,know the answer before the work. For me I've learned the steps are designed to deflate my ego. If I am hurting in anyway ask for help, and be willing to do the work that is required. Writting and sharing have saved my life.
Member: T-Bone
Location: S. Fl
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 5:55:10 AM
Bikerbabe, you are as welcome here as anyone else, I for one find your frankness (even though I think you are putting one over on us sometimes), enlightening. The rest of you, Lighten up a bit, jeez life ain't that sheltered that you never run into someone who doesn't think and talk just like you is it? Come on in Bikerbabe, I'll hold the door for ya and save ya a seat. God bless you all and have a compassionate and sober 24.
Member: Rose R
Location: Edmonton Alberta Can
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 7:15:19 AM
My name is Rose P. and I am an alcoholic, In our home group, a new commer broke our glass door twice, he put his fist thruogh the glass we the group had to pay for it out of our group funds $350.00 each time. Before it got broke for a third time we asked the new commer to not come back to our group, we explained that he might be welcome at some other group BUT NOT OURS. he would not conform and it cost us money out of our basket that was donated for carrying the massage and our owe expense. Thank GOD he went away as we would have had to call the police to get him removed. and that is tradition one. Take heed those of you who are swearing and abusing this site. it will be just a matter of time before posts with fowl language will not be posted Then you can cry tradition three all you want.
Member: Jen G
Location: NJ
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 8:08:39 AM
Vinny B--Thanks for a well-said comment. I enjoy reading everyone's comments on this site, and find something worthwhile to take with me in most of them. What happens to me, though, when I start reading a "share" that starts off yelling at someone else, is that I just skip to the next one. I guess it's take what you need, and leave the rest. Not worth my while to get my shorts in a bunch over someone else's "lashing out." When I'm drinking, I'm not able to keep my shorts from bunching up. It's a whole lot better looking at the world from a sober me than from a drinking me.
Member: Rosemary
Location:
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 9:47:49 AM
Hello everyone. Rosemary. Alcoholic. ((Bikerbabe)) don't let anyone tell you that you have to go away. this is a computer thing. if someone's offended all they have to do is scroll down. simple. you don't even have to leave a room. well, anyhow, that's just my opinion. love you all! it's a great day to be sober!
Member: max c
Location: houston tx
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 10:25:10 AM
hello everyone,whooo hoooo I woke up sucking sober air again, the rest is cake. this place is great. whats up with people getting mad over what someone thinks or feels.I was told never argue with an moron,someone watching may not be able 2 tell which one is the moron. lol i recall telling someone at a meeting that someone that shared was full of it. lol and was told person wasn't talking 2 me.take what u need and leave the rest.everyone is good 4 something even if it's a bad example. its a great thing getting people here sharing thier thoughts on what works 4 them.Im glad 4 the negative thoughts and sharing here(like all places) at least i can see it like it is a persons opion.4 me if 1 or 2 people think one thing and 20 think another.Hmmm which one should i try. but the 20 slam the one or 2.I am left with picking the best of 2 bads.lol or maybe thinking this is all crap and having a drink.I recall a meeting i go 2 having a person breaking up some items and the group called police.had the person be responsible 4 thier actions.they went 2 jail and ended up paying 4 the damage. lol but they were never told 2 not come back.some strange ways people show desperation 4 attention (wow they want me here if they put up with that maybe this will work) and,or rejection( well this is a bunch of crap they say one thing and do another).the things we do when we are in a hopless state of mind and body.love ya all(dosn't meen i like ya much)but im damm sure glad your here 4 me.keep comming back(EVERYONE)
Member: siobhan c.
Location: washington
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 12:42:24 PM
hi, all. siobhan, here. resentments are a daily battle for me. even with 3+ years sobriety, i have to catch myself, almost daily, from slipping into old behaviors of blame and anger. for example, my sister, with whom i am very close, is a huge problem when it comes to resentment. and it is a mutual problem. there are a lot of things i love about her, but just as numerous are the things i dislike about her. add onto that the things she resents me for, and you have a pot ready to boil over everytime we are together. i love her and i don't want to fight, so i just TRY to keep in mind that i cannot control her behavior, or her resentments. i can only control my behavior, my anger. i have found it REALLY DOES HELP to pray for the person who causes you to feel resentment and anger. just a little prayer, quietly. anyway, it works for, so far. take care.
Member: thor
Location: tri cities
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 2:25:21 PM
My resentments come from a place of deep hate and shame in myself for the things that took place in my life while I was using. I seem to continually torture myself with WHAT WERE YOU THINKING AND WHAT COULD HAVE BEENS. Most days I don't think of these horrors but on occasion the past sneeks into my mind and leaves me feeling discusted in myself and my life.
Member: Jackie
Location: MN
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 2:32:07 PM
Thor - I can relate. I do the same thing. Continue to beat myself up, even sober. All the "I wish I would haves" and kicking myself in the butt, or where might I be now if I didn't......I am in that state right now. I am 35 years old, and I have to keep telling myself, at least I have stopped now and have the rest of my life to be happy, I am hoping anyway. I keep riminding myself I have to look at today and the future, and fix what I can fix and leave the rest. Its hard, and it takes me a bit to get out of that mode, but it does pass. I am hoping as time goes on, it gets less and less. Thought I would share, sometimes its just nice to know you aren't alone :) PEACE Jackie
Member: Rosemary
Location:
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 3:03:09 PM
((Thor)) ((Jackie)) i can completely relate. i have been shaming myself so badly lately for mistakes i've made in my sobriety and things that i've done that are not sober behavior. i really need to forgive myself and let it go. we're so good at beating ourselves up. and i have a little problem (actually a big one) with overdramatizing mistakes that i've made. but hey, it's progress not perfection. it's a great day to be sober!
Member: Sito T.
Location: Vega Baja, Puerto Rico
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 3:26:44 PM
Hello bikerbabe, I'm Sito from Puerto Rico. keep coming back. Something tells me you need us, like I think you are one my greatest teachers. We're both looking for serenity, and it comes little by little. Serenity comes from the latin word "serenus" which means "clear". When our opinions and emotions are affected by other people our mind becomes cloudy. I have to accept you and others so I can see clear, even if I don't agree with you or others. God Bless you and stay away from that first drink, and things will get better for all of us. 24 to you1
Member: Kevin
Location: Tx
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 4:08:35 PM
Resentments kill alcoholics dead! I had over seven years sober and drank again because I could not forgive. I have been given a second chance at sobriety and by the grace of God I have been able to come to forgiveness in my life. I had to pray for the person to be happy, joyous, and free. It worked!!! I can't afford to let resentment rule in my life today.
Member: Kathleen
Location: Florida
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 5:44:39 PM
Hello everyone, Kathleen here alcoholic. Resentments...god topic. Also heard about the 4th step. For me the 4th and 5th steps are what set me free from resentments. Well most of them anyway..there was that ONE resentment that I just couldn't seem to get rid of no matter what I did. So I sought outside help, went to group therapy for victims of sexual abuse and was finally able to let go of that resentment. I have to ask, that person who seems to be so against AA....if you don't like us, why are you here? Thanks for all the posts..good meeting..
Member: D-flat
Location: ND
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 6:47:55 PM
((bikerbabe)) WOW I havent been on here in awile, your Famous, lol I almost got a major resentment going today,almost i say,,my boss asked some guys to work overtime tommorrow and not ME :( it was for a different department that i hadnt worked in, but still for about an hour im going through my mind what he must be THINKIN and im starting to boil, then i kinda got a grip cause i was haven a good day up till that point, i thought how can i get out of this well for one thing i Dont even want to work tommorrow and i dont know or care what he is thinkin, so i remember this guy i work with said to me yesterday that he was going in to have Therapy on his arm, so i think maybe i should go and ask him how it went so I did and It was great we had a good talk and I think he appreciated someone askin him about it. so i know that prayer helps, and then trying to think of others is a good way for me to get out of myself, because when im getting angry its always about me,me,me,me how its effecting me,poor me,,haha anyway just thought i would throw that in. make sense? if not it did to me. PEACE
Member: vinny b
Location: belfast
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 6:50:09 PM
Hi All Vinny B grateful alki It seems to me that bikerbabe has got what he/she wanted, in stirring things up. Yes at my home group we have had to ask people to leave as they were disrupting the meeting. Hard Not nice. But life is like that too sometimes. Painting walls instead of climbing them. Painting doors intead of going through them. just doing what needed to be done at that moment in time to not drink (didnt know what sober was)oldtimers steering me in the right directions. steering me away from head the balls that took great delight in stirring just to see the reaction they would get. Many examples come to mind. thank god i'm not perfect yet. but i still thank god for the commonsence attitude of the guys that were there when I was new......The guy that introduced me to the fellowship, Richard(6am on a sunday morning) couldn't stay sober .....short version... could not stick the pain and threw himself in front of a passing train. some would drink that i might see and not drink, some would drink and die that i might see and not drink and live. I remind myself daily that I suffer from a killer disease. I hope the pain stopped for richard it has for me (today). I hope it stops for all you guys/gals/its be good Vinny B
Member: Bill H.
Location: North of Pittsburgh, Pa
Date: 5/29/2003
Time: 11:05:32 PM
Bill H. /Alcoholic, Sobriety Date 4-30-91. Thank you Martha G. Your comments are probably the best down to earth explanation of AA, the gift that our Higher Power has truly bestowed on us, and how a down in the gutter drunk can get up, get sober, get honest, and live a productive life that I have ever heard. Woops!!Read. Thank you. Thank you to all of the other contributors, too. Thanks also to Dr. Bob, Bill W., and Sister Ignatia.
Member: Bill H
Location: Ellwood City, Pa
Date: 5/30/2003
Time: 12:11:29 AM
Bill H./Alcoholic-I know we aren't supposed to comment more than one time per session, but since no one else has posted I thoght I might talk a little about my resentments What my understanding of resentments are today, I believe I had confused with jealosy. I have acome to realize that I have had relatively few real resentments in my life, actually have picked up several since coming into AA, but I have had a railroad car full of jealosies over the years. The more I get into recovery the more I realize I was a very envious kid growing up. I was very jealous of other friends and family members good fortune. Today I have finally come to realize how sick a person I really was. It is no wonder I became an alcoholic as soon as I started to drink seriously at age 20. I was an alcoholic thinking person since early childhood. Thru the grace of my higher and the rooms of AA and the newly discovered on line meetings, for me anyway, I have come to realize what some of my character defects really are. I also know that by continuing to come back to the rooms and on line meetings of AA there is a solution to any of the problems that I face today. This weeks's topic on resentments has really triggered my thinking about the real problem. That problem is me. I am making a commitment from this day on to try and work the steps as they were meant to be followed. Thank you to all and have a nice weekend, hopefully filled with "sobriety and serenity"
Member: Jimmy
Location: N. Lincs. UK
Date: 5/30/2003
Time: 5:49:33 AM
Been in AA and haven't needed to drink since 1988. Got deep resentments aquired in sobriety and can't shake 'em despite talking them through with sponsor, praying etc. How do you stop intense feelings of resentment/outrage from blighting your life? Specifics please, 'no party line' waffle. Sorry if that comes across as arrogance, I'm very pleased and grateful to be 'in the Fellowship' and wish everyone a long and happy sobriety!
Member: Kathleen
Location: Florida
Date: 5/30/2003
Time: 2:36:01 PM
Hello again, sorry to post twice but wanted to comment on your post Jimmy. I almost "acquired" a resentment in sobriety too, when someone who I trusted stole from me. It was very hard to do, but I had to look at my part in the whole thing. I also had to try to find a lesson in all of what happened. I don't have a resentment over the deal but I also won't allow that person in my life any more. I just keep doing all those "waffle line" things that is suggested. go to meetings, talk with other alkies about it, pray for that person and for Gods will for me and the power to carry it out. I had a resentment that was with me for many many years during drinking and sobriety too that I had to seek outside help for. Group therapy. There was this story about a resentment that made sense to me, and not sure if I can remember it exactly but it goes something like this. There were two Monks that were traveling by foot for many many miles across mountains and deserts. They had taken a vow to be silent for one year and this was the beginning of their journey. They came to a big body of water and there was an old woman, who was unable to cross the river. The one Monk broke his vow of silence and offered to carry her across the water. They made it safely to the other side and the old woman thanked the monk for helping her. The two monks continued on their journey and were silent for the rest of the year when the one monk who did not break his silence said in anger to the monk who did, "how could you break your vow of silence like that and talk to that old woman and carry her across the river.???" The other monk said, "listen my friend, I carried that woman across the river and let her go, you carried her for the whole year.."..... As I said, thats not exactly how it was told to me but the meaning is there.... If I hang onto anger it turns into a resentment and usually the person who I'm resentful against doesn't even have a clue about it, so I have to accept life on lifes terms and make the best of it or carry that crap around and block my spirit from the sunlight and miracles... hope this helps a little... As my friend says, In the spirit of recovery, Kathleen rambler@atlantic.net
Member: Mark
Location: Albany, NY
Date: 5/30/2003
Time: 6:51:10 PM
Jimmy, my friend, how nice to hear someone ask for something besides the "party-line." That is in and of itself soooo refreshing you just don't know. I am seriously contemplating "graduating" myself from AA as I"ve got the party line down after a few yaers now and find the vast majority of it UNthinking, just as it says on page 82 of the BB. O.K. that being said, I'm even infamous for NOT towing the party line!!! Bad news is I don't have a clue as to what to do unless your Catholic like myself. Should ya be, go see a preist my man, he'll guide ya well I'm quite confident. How about the rosary, I do it every day now, but I started doing it over a "resentment." Think about good-will towards the person during the entire thing and then do it over again. Next, do it again. Then, one more time!!! Hey, my friend, you wanted specifics and not the company line, ya got it!! Plus that is my experience, strength, and hope!!!LOL--Sorry, did I blow it with a company line, I hope not because that is seriously what I did and do but just not to the same extreme now as it usually only takes a few Hail Mary's and I'm wishing the person a millionaire and everything else good for them. Works for me, heck, maybe it'll work for you too, if not, God Bless friend, I do truly appreciate you asking for something different!!!!!
Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: 5/30/2003
Time: 11:18:34 PM
resentment, well think this, you can be upset with someone and be walking along all mad while they are happy as can be so the only person your resentment is hurting is yourself so why hold that in our heart's?
Member: Bikerbabe
Location: True story......
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 2:44:25 AM
once this guy in a meeting was so cagey,, he'de freak out at ya for accidentally brushing against his shoulder in a meeting.. he'de be like.. DON'T TOUCH ME!.... STAY AWAY FROM ME!.... QUIT LOOKIN AT ME!... guess he was loaded with resentments too, so someone finally told him,, hey buddy: all those people you are resenting are going about thier business and don't give a rats fat ass,,,,, about it anymore... (Those F'kers! he exclaimed.. and ran right home to get on the phone to satisfy himself that he would be able to "make them as as resentful as he was... (((true story.. no kiddin.. ((but i borrowed the rats fat ass from art...
Member: Joe M
Location: Florida
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 8:26:35 AM
Hi everyone! Im Joe and Im an Alcoholic. The big book states: The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear. When I seriously consider my life I can aqgree with everyone of these. The program of AA has taught me through the steps however ways to get rid of these character defects starting with the 7th step prayer each day. I am not imune to resentments at all though and from time to time they still crop up. When this hapens I will usuallyhabg on to it for a day or two until I come to my senses. Praying for the other person is a great resentment relief but I find that making a direct amends as soon as posible relieves me of the resentment even quicker. After all the resentment isnt really about the other guy its about myself and my own self will. So cleaning my side of the street on a daily basis not just once is a necesity for me. It works, it really does. Joe M
Member: Dennis D.
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 9:12:57 AM
FIRST YOU HAVE TO BE A VICTIM!Jimmy...The "party line" saved my life. You can't have a resentment without being a VICTIM.In order for you to have a resentment you have to be somebodys VICTIM. As long as you are a VICTIM then you can wallow in self-pity and nourish your resentment. Acording to our book we do not pray FOR people that we resent...instead we ask God to grant us the same pity, patience and tolerence that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. Bill said "A heart that is filled with graditude cannot harbor deep resentment." I try to remember everyday that I should be laying in a gutter in urine soaked pants or locked up in a psycho ward somewhere....Instead, I am a free man. Free from the curse of alcohol and free from deep resentment.
Member: John K
Location: Philadelphia
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 10:48:47 AM
AA is not about censorship. Cursing or venting is: 1) a basic right of the bewildered newcomer as well as the frustrated old-timer in AA; 2) NOT THE SAME THING as yelling while others are talking or breaking furniture/causing a physical actual disruption of the meeting. The U.S.'s saving grace is freedom of speech/freedom of belief. It's supposed to be the same here: a "benign anarchy", I believe Bill called it. Who is an alcoholic, any alcoholic, to tell another alcoholic how she must behave or what to say? The whole purpose of the Steps is that, as part of the spiritual awakening, we figure out just who the hell we really are, and act that way. This is a long process with many phases. Tolerance is necessary to serenity. The main problem (EVERYWHERE) in AA right now is that insane alkies are trying to control insane alkies. Good luck. You can't say that, don't curse, etc. Conformity is not the same thing as working together, having similar results from the same program; mindless(unthinking) conformity to what is "expected" in a meeting is simple co-dependence. Bikerbabe, you're a riot. I don't know how long you've been sober, but you're welcome in my meetings anytime. AA the Fellowship must grow and become more inclusive, or die, because society changes and in order to survive, AA must too. The question is, how to keep the Program the way it is, which works for any alkie willing enough to try(these are universal principles, not theology), while society changes? The pop-psychology and self-love and Oprah Winfrey stuff doesn't work for us, it's been tried before(although good meds such as I am on, and good psychotherapy may indeed be necessary and helpful)...no human power could relieve us of the insanity. Alcoholics by nature do NOT want to do this Program, because it goes directly against the alcoholics' main drive: self-centered fear. These things are a couple of reasons, I think, why so few people are staying sober nowadays. The Old-Timers, before the advent of treatment centers, etc, knew the Program and that was it; that (and the fact that they knew they were goners unless this worked) was why the percentage of permanent recoveries was so high. Now there are so many distractions, it's a wonder (miracle) a single alkie gets the Program anymore. The thing that changed my life for good, was that (even though I hated God) I asked: "I don't care if you're the biggest prick in the universe, show me the truth before I die!" The next day, I met the man who is still my sponsor 7 1/2 years later. I almost fired him recently, but realized that even though he's not necessary to my sobriety I love him, and prefer to have him in my life. And alkies being what we are, you know what? He's considered an "extremely difficult" person to deal with in general, because he simply says what he truly thinks, with no bullshit, no regard for how it might be taken other than that he makes SURE he gets the point (the spritual principle and how to apply it) across to help another alkie. AA has shown me how to look beneath the surface of people and things, and to see and appreciate the beautiful reality underneath. Without the Third Tradition, AA will die. If a stew doesn't get "stirred up", it becomes inedible.
Member: Mark
Location: NY
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 11:05:12 AM
John K. of Philly, you are a man of wonderful insight, well spoken. That may possibly be the most decent post I've read since I stumbled upon this site a month or so ago. I have a deep appreciation for your sentiments and find it both refreshing and thoughtful, as well as properly articulated. I too love the bikerbabe and despite her "potty-mouth" she's also got tremendous insight. You two are joys to humanity and bright spots in a dismal world of alcoholism, thanks for the enthusiasm coupled with intelligent and provocative thoughts!!!!
Member: Kathy F.
Location: Texas
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 12:11:52 PM
I'm Kathy, an alcoholic. Through sponsorship and steps 4 and 5 I learned that pride and anger are my most insidious means to a resentment. Through step 10 I learned that it is easier to deal with the initial reactions than with a resulting resentment. Through this meeting I've become aware that it is institutions and principles which have been the recent targets of my anger and now I can "quit diggin". Thanks.
Member: BB
Location: hh
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 3:31:24 PM
Why thank you John...
Member: Chris H.
Location: Fla.
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 4:42:10 PM
I'm chris -I'm an alcoolic/addict/bulimic...Resentment is a great topic...I have really been working on my resentments this year..It is a big problem for me...I have two or three or four that continue to plague me...But I have learned that if I pray for these people and ask my Highter Power to show me what I need to see about these people and my part in these relationships, it really helps. I often see that my own character defects are just as bad as theirs,... and I often see that they are as wounded as I am...It is their woundedness t hat has caused them to abuse me in what ever way they did...THey often feel so bad about them selves that they hurt others...It doesn't make sense, but it happens...WHen I see my own character defects and recieve forgiveness for them...I realize that these people deserve forgiveness as much as I do...I think realozing that I am as bad off as they are (rather than the helpless victim) , helps me to forgive...
Member: Diane
Location: Oklahoma
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 8:39:50 PM
I am so happy to be sober 67 days today and I have not one resentment towards any of you or anyone at all cause why be resentful it only hurts me if I am upset oh I admits I sometimes have problems but I try and work through them with my God oh I do have to say that Biker babe did have a good post well all except the poty mouth part but I did agree with it just not the bad words. I can read all day long and I would rather read anything with out bad words in it. Sorry just how I am
Member: John J.
Location: Regina Sask Can
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 8:54:24 PM
Tom here Alcoholic.. John K. thats the biggest cock and bull post that I ever read... read the history of A.A. and at the early meetings (before the big book )readings were read out of the bible... if you think they would tolarate swearing back then think again and get out the A.A. Comes of Age book and get your facts straight. I sobered up in the year 1948 and if you swore like they do on this site you would be out on your ear. as a matter of fact back then as is now each group had there own rules as long as it never interfered with A.A. as a whole
Member: Bonny G.
Location: Hot Springs, AR
Date: 5/31/2003
Time: 10:09:21 PM
Bonny, grateful recoverying alcoholic, glad I stopped by tonight to check the posts. Today I was getting "resentful" emotions about a couple of friends, one in the program and one not. I went to a f2f meeting and afterwards talked with my sponsor. Thank God I'm not as sick as I was! I'm not fond of foul language anymore either, but it is a part of the society we live in. My sponsor told me a few things today that I needed to hear, one being that the sister I was resentful at, had never been a parent before, so the emotions I was feeling was something she hadn't experienced, yet. And the other was the fact that once we sober up, we want to "make-up" for the bad things by helping others, and in effect sometimes are "used" by people. Prayer for the other person has always been good for me. HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired), is another thing that this program taught me to watch for, these will trigger bad feelings towards someone also. God Bless.
Member: Shima
Location: Atlanta, Ga.
Date: 6/1/2003
Time: 1:58:03 AM
Hi all, Shima, alcoholic, I am a couple days sober after five months of sober time. I relasped due to resentments. I felt worthless because of a job interview did not go my way. I also realized I was holding resentments against my ex who had treated badly and now seems to be having a wonderful life. I contiue to look at other's and rate myself. I was so down that I drank for two days straight. During my destruction I called my ex and said really awful things. I had the resentment all along but was not working on it. I only thought it would go away since I was not drinking and we were beginning a new friendship. I really need help on this subject. It was really bad the next time I might not have a chance to recover!! I'm new to AA and would love y'all advice!!! thanks for letting me share
Member: Vee
Location: Midwest
Date: 6/1/2003
Time: 6:01:29 AM
Good meeting. ALL you guys. Let's do it again real soon. Survived that resentment and have new tools for the next one, sure to come. Page 552 works! Keep coming back.
Member: Kelly M
Location: NH
Date: 6/1/2003
Time: 7:09:00 AM
((Shima)) Let go and let God in all aspects of your life. Say to yourself, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change... Job interview, ex, etc. Stop trying to control everything. Give it to God to handle and see what happens. Just don't drink because any situation in your life is still going to happen drunk or sober. I am saying this out of experience. I used to feel bowled over by life and used that to justify my drinking, now nothing can justify it. If I pick up a drink it is because I'm not working steps 1-3. If I think about a drink I need to get to a meeting ASAP and talk to other alcoholics. Good luck in your recovery. Kelly