Member: Kelly F.
Location: St. Louis
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 9:56:39 AM

Comments

((((Hi everyone)))) This doesn't happen very often.....I would like to discuss marriage in sobriety.

Love to all


Member: Rocky C
Location: Montana
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 11:38:17 AM

Comments

Wow!! good one Hi! I am Rocky and i am a drunk and drug addict, Well i found with 14 years of sobriety to be the best years of my life! when i awoke i thanked god for my wife and family and sobriety, Now here the Kicker to how sobriety can affect the marriage! I after 14 years went out to drink,I got stupid and drunk! was the worst thing, I hated being drunk and just Knew my marrage was over But we have a lot of love and forgiveness in our marrage so by the grace of god we got another chance i now have 2 years sobiety and my marrage is strong with 24 years i love love 8-} Rocky


Member: Terry G.
Location: Phoenix AZ
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 11:50:12 AM

Comments

Oh what a topic.I'm Terry alcoholic,I've been married to another alcoholic for almost four years now.I know that doesn't seem long,but when too dragons live in the same cave it is a miracle.This is where I find this program of the most use.Since we both work our OWN program(out of the BIG BOOK)we live a very happy life together.I've learned it's not all about ME. What can I add to the stream of life.Don't take it personal.Get off my pity pot.and do for your mate,for free,and for fun.Without expectations.It ain't easy,but it's worth it. may your life be fiied with joy,and guided by GOD in sobriety.


Member: Tom
Location: NYC
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 12:24:00 PM

Comments

Tom, alcoholic. 4 yrs sober. 3 yrs in a sober relationship. 4 things keep it real for me, living with a sober spouse: 1. I must work my own program, I'm not responsible for my spouse; thus, I have to keep my side of the street clean. 2. I must be honest with my spouse about my feelings and be willing to listen without trying to "fix" everything. 3. I must pray daily. 4. I must attend meetings and/or connect with my sponsor and other alcoholics daily.


Member: Melissa
Location: Canada
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 12:44:53 PM

Comments

Oh. I was going to write a long share about my take on marriage in sobriety. The challenges, the conflicts, the angst, blah, blah.

Now I'm just going to practice what Tom shared. Thanks, Tom. Thanks for a great topic, Kelley. I needed that. Sigh, (grin*) and on I go.


Member: Melissa (again)
Location:
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 12:47:34 PM

Comments

Oops, sorry, you too, Terry. Clearly I need to just read more carefully this week, as well as listen....


Member: Bill F
Location: Lost Angeles
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 12:50:53 PM

Comments

One of things revealed about myself in sobriety was that I didn't know anything about healthy relationships. I operated on the basic two male emotions - anger and lust. Once the lust was satiated, the anger set in and there went another relationship - even with sober ladies. Page 69 didn't help much - my sex life - and my intimate life with another human being needed a major overhaul which I found in other sources. "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck, "Stage II Relationships" and others by Ernie Larson, a tape series by Gary Smiley, and several weekend seminars and retreats which we attended together. After more than 10 years together we have not had an arguement. Not even over the toothpaste tube or the toilet paper roll. I learned new things which all fit with the 12 steps and I do my best to practice them daily. We stay sober together, we grow in love together, wo do things which honor each other, and we don't do things which hurt each other. Our sobriety and our relationship are valuable. BTW - It took me a few tries to learn this - two drinking and one sober - before I got it right.


Member: will h
Location: langhorne
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 1:06:43 PM

Comments

Hi I'm Will crossaddicted alcoholic. I am blessed to come t this site for the first time today. I was in an argument with my wife of nearly `12 years last night and she told me that I needed to start going back to meetings. although I havn't been activen my addiction for nearly 20 years I still ned to talk to other alcoholics to keep it real I haven't been for some time. This contact with other people like me is truly a blessing.

I know she was right and I will consider this my first meeting and try o attend more ofen.


Member: Rocky C
Location: Montana
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 1:29:23 PM

Comments

Hi Will! My name is Rocky and I am a drunk and drug addict! This 2 is my first Day here and am thank full such an out let is avalible I was thinin I could do this all by my self; Now there is a laugh! all I realy know how to do is use and abuse!! I need to learn and help and grow with All of us in this boat, I do fall out of the boat in to da nile river way to much!! so thank you for being here, May God grant us growth in our recovey!!

Peace and *Light* Rocky


Member: Gina B.
Location: Georgia
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 2:35:56 PM

Comments

Wow what a topic my Marriage is what has brought me here today. I was in AA for 7 yrs. I joined in 1993 but in 2001 I have been out and been a practicing alcoholic again. My husband is getting tired of it because he says I drink entirely too much, even though I am not this time around anywhere the depressed alcoholic I was before. I am a happy drinker but I do think I need to stop but it can't be for him it's got to be for me. I don't know how this time because I have not hit bottom like I did before, I just drink too much and suffer physically that's all now and don't really have the total willingness yet. I don't know what I am going to do so please help me and pray for me. Thanks


Member: John H
Location: In., USA
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 3:16:38 PM

Comments

Hello from John, an alcoholic. This one was not court ordered to AA, but by the gal I used to court years ago before our marriage 26 years ago.

Our first 10 years were years when I drank whenever, and my wife absorbed the hangovers. She challenged me, not by suing for divorce, but by notice that we would live separately or else.

That was what it took to get me to honestly look at my drinking that I admitted was heavy. But the problem and obstacle was my not accepting the 1st Step. But once with AA and fellow guidance, it became obvious that alcohol was a problem that made me even a greater problem and that fixing was needed.

By following all the recommendations of the program, meetings, Big Book, sponsor etc, we have enjoyed almost 16 years of continious sobriety together.

It would be dishonest for me to say that we have lived totally in agreement on all things. But there is one area where we are in full agreement; that the first drink would lead to another that would create selfish and senseless problems. That daily growth and better understanding of God and his expectancy of good from our relationship would be jeopardized to a halt.

Thank God for AA and it's fellowship that cares and shares.

God's blessings to you all.


Member: Linda C.
Location: Winnipeg
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 3:28:21 PM

Comments

Hi. My name is Linda and I am an alcoholic. Welcome to the site Rocky C., will h., and Gina B.(keep coming back - it will get better.) Gina B. - you have come to the right place. My "body" first came to A.A.- my mind followed in time.


Member: Cody
Location: Texas
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 3:28:57 PM

Comments

Being sober has allowed me to enjoy time with my family more than I have ever thought possible


Member: Jan BB
Location: Paris, France
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 4:48:18 PM

Comments

Hi everyone! ((Kelly)) great topic!-thanks, enjoyed and looking forward to reading the responses to this discussion.

I met my husband here in Paris, at an english speaking AA meeting, on Nov 9, 1995. I was five year sober at the time, on my first vacation to europe, alone, celebrating my 40th birthday.

Fast forward to to today, married over four years, and one three year old boy. I have to say, that I have found being married to someone in the program has made my sobriety and marriage the best years of my life. We are happily married, not perfect by a long shot, and the progress we make is thanks to the program.

We are not joined at the hip in AA, yet, we both do service work in Intergroup together and I have a huge respect for the way my husband carries the message. If we have a diagreement, we try to work through it in alot of the wame way we approach the steps. Acceptance is a key that we rely on. This is my first marriage, his second, meeting each other at mid-life, of course we both came with baggage. Being parent's together shifted our marrige, we both feel that our son is a gift of sobriety.

I have enjoyed our "AA" marriage, and am grateful that God saw to it that we met; these have been the most rewarding and meaningful years of my life.


Member: RuthieW
Location: Alaska
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 6:26:08 PM

Comments

Hi, Ruthie here, alcoholic, been married for 4 years to another alcoholic. We've been in AA together for almost a year now and this has been the happiest year of my life. I have watched him grow in ways I never thought possible and it has inspired me to stay sober. We still have a lot to work through, but I feel we are over the hump of our past baggage. Alcohol almost destroyed us, but AA has revived us and I am SO grateful to my higher power and the fellowship of AA.


Member: jr
Location: down south
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 8:05:35 PM

Comments

Great topic. My husband and I were drinking buddies for 10 years, then my drinking became such a problem that he left me and took the kids so I would go to treatment. Once I got over my hypocritical attitude toward him I surrendered for ME, and stayed sober. He stayed out another three years. Eventually he was in enough pain to come to AA on his own. That was a tough three years, I was alternating between "pink cloud" and the journey of working the steps. I loved my new sober life, and was just at the point when I thought I might have to leave him. A tragic alcoholic death of a young friend showed my husband the consequences that the active alcoholic can face. It was finally enough.

He just celebrated a big anniversary and I couldn't be more happy. Our marriage has never been better and I'm glad I stuck it out. I'm also glad I kept my mouth shut and worked my own program.


Member: Doug G
Location: California
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 9:16:57 PM

Comments

I've been married once to the same woman for 29 years. She is not an alcoholic; however, I am. I've drank and did drugs since I was a teenager. The first time I got into a treatment program was in 1984. I stayed sober for 16 years. About a year ago I thought I was no longer an alcoholic. LOL. I picked up right where I left off in 1984. Well, I'm back in a alcohol treatment program again. My wife has stayed by me through it all. She has been the one person I have been able to count on. I'm not saying that we haven't had problems, we have. But we have grown together, not apart.


Member: Greg C
Location: Charlotte, NC
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 10:07:46 PM

Comments

I've been married for 7 years, 4 in the program. My wife is not an alcoholic. Our first 3 years were hell. The last 4 years have been, for the most part, wonderful! The biggest thing I have to not forget is that the program comes first. If I put something else ahead of AA, then that's the first thing I'll lose. As I've heard so many times, "Keep it Simple."


Member: Britta. L.
Location:
Date: 5/5/2002
Time: 11:28:33 PM

Comments

Hi I am Britta an Alcoholic and drug Addict.I have been in the program for almost six months now.I am in a relationship but i am learning I have to learn to love myself before I can Love someone else. Iwas feeling very insecure today about my relationship and I couldnt get to a meeting,I was very fortunate to find this web site.Thank you, and God bless you.Britta Larson


Member: me
Location: here
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 2:13:31 AM

Comments

I've been married for 18 years to a man that drinks everyday, but he is married to a woman that drinks everyday,except for two 9 month periods and brief interludes this last year that i had attended AA meetings. I'm sorry iam hopeless.


Member: Jim F
Location: Guilin, China
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 5:15:06 AM

Comments

Jim, alcoholic from The Early Birds group, Sequim, Washington, USA, currently on faculty exchange in Guilin, China.

Excellent topic. My first wife died of cancer when I was 2-years sober. Because of the program, I could hold her hand and support her through it. I could also be a father to my daughters.

My second wife and I met in the program and have been married almost 17-years now. We are teaching in China together and thoroughly enjoying ourselves.

I have heard it said that two alcoholics in a relationship is like two cats in a bag ... some truth to it, but I would not have it any other way. We have been to counseling several times for help in trying to establish a healthy relationship. It is ongoing work, but it is well worth the effort.

Jim from Sequim

PS: Why can't I edit what I write here? Is the "write-over" feature automatic or can I turn it off and insert corrections?


Member: Ann F
Location: Guilin, China
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 8:27:38 AM

Comments

My name is Ann, and I am an alcoholic.

Met my husband in the program about 18 years ago and we married within the year. At that time we had both been sober about 2 years. I was a co-dependent runner and in big trouble when the honeymoon phase of our relationship ended. Every time things didn’t go my way I threatened to leave. It worked at first, but gradually my threats began to erode our friendship and we began growing apart, not trusting our commitment. My husband said every time I threatened to leave, a part of his heart walled itself off against me. I could feel myself sabotaging the relationship, yet powerless to change.

Looking back it seems the right people came into my life at the right time. Program people recommended a program counselor. In counseling, I had to make an agreement that, no matter what, I would not run, or threaten to run. Once that option was removed, I had to re-direct my energy and focus on me. It’s been an on-going journey of recovery, not only as an alcoholic woman, but in many other areas of my life, often using other 12-Step programs.

When our relationship gets rocky, if we can’t seem to straighten it out, we get help. Help comes in many ways now … meetings – hearing what we need to hear. Friends and counselors. It takes what it takes and the rewards have been worth it. When I get sideways, someone will lovingly remind me, when I am pointing the finger at my husband, I need to redirect my finger to point at me, and focus on my part.

I didn’t grow up with healthy relationship role models, but I have discovered, there are many out there. When I stick with the winners, I become a winner , One Day At A Time.


Member: Lynne D.
Location: St. Ignace, MI
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 9:05:20 AM

Comments

Hi, just found this site from a good AA friend. I am a recovering alcoholic, I was married to a practising alcoholic for 26 yrs. I kept thinking that "if he'd only quit drinking" things would be fine. He finally quit - without meetings - and the marriage ended 9 months later.

I really like the comments that I've read. Blame was such an easy avenue for me to take. Now I step back, look at my part in it and accept my responsibility. The only one I can fix is me. God Bless, Lynne


Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 9:51:43 AM

Comments

As has been shared already, I had only two modes rage and lust. The rage subsided when I stopped drinking and got to step five with my sponsor, but I was still stuck in the lust. It was only after many discussions with my sponsor and a lot of forgiving my own humanness that I was ready to ask God to relieve me of this character defect. Just like my alcoholism, I now know I am powerless of many things and I am relieved only by the grace of God. During my using, I had no human relationships. My sole purpose for breathing was to keep getting loaded. Today I still have no clue how to do romantic relationships, but I do have faith and the serenity, that God will reveal his will for me today, if I only ask to be shown and remain open minded. I worry about nothing and pray about everything.


Member: Jim A.
Location: Wylie, Texas  USA
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 11:05:19 AM

Comments

Hi...I'm Jim and I am a very grateful recovering alcoholic from Wylie, TX. When I first joined AA, I was already twice divorced and was ready to swear off relationships altogether. It was explained to me in a men's meeting that relationships in recovery could be even more tricky. My sponsor would always remind me that most people come into recovery thinking that relationships work like adding fractions, or 1/2 of a competent person + 1/2 of a competent person = 1 good relationship. My sponsor then point out that relationships in recovery really work like multiplying fractions, or 1/2 of a competent person x 1/2 of a competent person = 1/4 of a good relationship.

I believed that then, and I believe it now some 13 years later. I spent my first few years in AA just working the steps and trying to learn how to be a healthy person as far as relationships were concerned. I married again about 9 years ago to someone outside of AA. Blessedly, she chose to go to Alanon after about two years together. Now she has her program, and I have mine. We don't try to sponsor each other. We don't get involved in each other's program. We don't really talk about recovery that much, just when it naturally comes up. That is what works best for us. Having said that though, there is still a lot that I have learned from her program though, and vice versa. That is something that kind of surprised us both. Sure makes life a lot easier.

Good topic! ((((ALL))))


Member: Donnie M (D.O.S. 3-1-99)
Location: Short Gap, W.Va.
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 12:15:45 PM

Comments

Hi, to all and what a topic. I am Donnie and I am an alcoholic.

My marriage has been going strong for eleven years next week. We have been together since high school(Yes we are High School sweethearts of eighteen years)

My wife was there before alcohol took me on the ride through hell, but for the grace of God she stuck it out through some pretty bad sh*t if you don`t mind me saying my wife in many ways is and has been my higher power for a lot of my life I know God guides us, but I truly believe he put my wife in my life as a kind of angel. She is my sponsor, bestfriend, and most importantly my soul-mate. People may say I am making this up, but if you could go through what I have and maintain a loving women like I have you would know exactly what I am saying is 100% truth.

I would like to thank you for listening to me ramble and take a minute to BLESS ALL THE MOTHERS OUT THERE AND WISH THEM A HAPPY MOTHERS DAY AND GOD BLESS ALL.


Member: bob r
Location: phila,pa
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 5:14:07 PM

Comments

Hi all:Married for 30 years- 5 of which I was a drunk. Got sober-got dovorced. Dont figure.


Member: Kim E
Location: KC
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 5:28:29 PM

Comments

What a great topic! I have been sober 17 years and am married nearly 11 years to a man sober 20 years. One of the things I learned in AA is how to have healthy relationships with all people. I decided to stay out of the sack with the guys and formed many wonderful friendships. This one turned special and I still can't explain it. What I can tell you is this: I don't do anything today that I would not have done when I was single, and I continue to do most of the things I did when I was single. I assume my husband does the same. We are 2 very happy individuals who are very impressed that either of us gets to participate in out partnership. Early in our relationship, my spouse drew a triangle then wrote 'man' on the low right corner, 'woman' on the low left and God at the top. Then he said, "Notice how the man and woman grow closer to one another as they each grow closer to God." I was very impressed with this and have never forgotten it. I don't ever want to mislead you into thinking that this has been easy, but then my sobriety has not always been easy either. Use the traditions and keep it simple. I once heard a speaker from Tyler, Texas say that if I wanted the most handsome, smart, amazing, sexy and all around wonderful spouse in the world, I had better start treating him that way. It works.


Member: Les
Location: San Diego
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 6:52:00 PM

Comments

Kelly F., I have found that marriage is a thing to experience rather than discuss.


Member: Kelly F.
Location: St. Louis
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 8:08:28 PM

Comments

Les- I don't know if you are trying to be funny or not - but I am sincerely looking for other sober alcoholics to share their experiences about their marriages in sobriety... and maybe gather some strength and hope for my own.

I don't understand why choosing marriage for the week's topic would have you make such a flip remark. Then again, it is a very sensitive subject for me right now, so I suppose I don't "get" what you might be trying to say.

If we were face-to-face and you said that, I would simply say, "ok, so what is YOUR experience?" Would you not want to discuss it then either?

kfsabharwal@yahoo.com


Member: STEVE K
Location: BETHEL N.Y.
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 8:09:55 PM

Comments

Hi Steve alcoholic. I was a closet drinke for many years thinking know person knew. I drank vodka you can`t smell it HA!! My wife came to me and said put the vodka down stop drinking and we can live a "normal" life. So I tride that it lasted about a day. After two DWI`S I entered a program Daytop which I now work for and learned it wasn`t the vodka that was the problem, it was character defects I had that I used alcohol to cover up and use a a crutch to give me my false strenght that I needed. once I over came these weaknesses I didn`t need the alcohol for that support. My wife could not understand this until we went to a counseler that dealt with a person in a family that is an alcoholic and the underlying problems that cause this desease to undermine your life with out you knowing why. Now she uderstands this desease and how it is not putting down the alcohol and you are cured. She now knows I will have this for the rest of my life, and allways have to work on it. Now our lifes have turned around and I finaly be honest to myself and my wife. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: andy r
Location: cali
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 8:10:21 PM

Comments

Hi kelly , my name is andy and I will discuss a relationship with you!


Member: andyr
Location: cali
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 8:15:49 PM

Comments

my email is TGF277@hotmail.com ! I have been sober 21 years and I am with my other half for 13 years now


Member: STEVE K
Location: BETHEL N.Y.
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 8:53:38 PM

Comments

Hi Steve alcoholic. I was a closet drinke for many years thinking know person knew. I drank vodka you can`t smell it HA!! My wife came to me and said put the vodka down stop drinking and we can live a "normal" life. So I tride that it lasted about a day. After two DWI`S I entered a program Daytop which I now work for and learned it wasn`t the vodka that was the problem, it was character defects I had that I used alcohol to cover up and use a a crutch to give me my false strenght that I needed. once I over came these weaknesses I didn`t need the alcohol for that support. My wife could not understand this until we went to a counseler that dealt with a person in a family that is an alcoholic and the underlying problems that cause this desease to undermine your life with out you knowing why. Now she uderstands this desease and how it is not putting down the alcohol and you are cured. She now knows I will have this for the rest of my life, and allways have to work on it. Now our lifes have turned around and I finaly be honest to myself and my wife. Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Erma G.
Location: Utica, N.Y.
Date: 5/6/2002
Time: 11:14:47 PM

Comments

Practice these principles in all our affairs seems to work for us.


Member: Jeff
Location: Ne..
Date: 5/7/2002
Time: 1:20:32 AM

Comments

Get Sober, Stay Sober & help others to achieve Sobriety. Doing this saved my life, all the rest just kind of worked itself out. Thanks... Jeff


Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: 5/7/2002
Time: 2:38:42 AM

Comments

Hi, I am Jack, a real alcoholic. Interesting topic Kelly and not one that should be treated lightly. I have enjoyed continous sobriety since the 23rd of November 1987. My wife and I have been married for almost 31 years. I am sorry to say that I have only been a part of that marriage since the 23rd of November 1987. When I first got sober, and took a look at my wife, I thought to myself who is this bitch. I had no idea who she was as far as her inner self. I was too absorbed in alcohol to really understand who she really was. Thru the Grace of God, she stayed wuth me and by my side despite all the hell, I put her thru. There are people in A A who I have known, that as soon as they got sober, they didn't give their marriage a chance, they rushed off to divorce. What does this say about our program? The best thing that happened to my wife was Alanon, she learned from people how to live with the problem Me. Today we have problems like all married couples, but they are not problems caused by alcohol. I am just starting to grow up, I am a strange alcoholic, I went from puberty to senility and skipped everything in between. If you have a marriage worth saving by God do it. Good luck to you, and God Bless you.


Member: AnilG
Location: Mt Vernon,IL
Date: 5/7/2002
Time: 8:49:10 AM

Comments

Sobriety and marriage. when i was drinking trouble was drinking when I am sober troubles are there but different kind once that was forcing me to drink in the first place but thanks to AA now I have tools that I can work with and take at a time and keep God in my work and heart.Cause now he is carrying me through,.


Member: DonC
Location: Arlington Tx.
Date: 5/7/2002
Time: 9:14:31 AM

Comments

Kelly, The way my wife and I have stayed together in sobriety for the last 18years is by utilizing the 12 traditions in our lives. Nearly everyone believes that the traditions are only for the group or are political. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The traditions are all about relationships. Good luck and don't give up before the miricle (sp) happens.


Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Date: 5/7/2002
Time: 12:40:31 PM

Comments

Kelly, great topic. I have 3 young kids and a demanding job, and I am trying to stay sober one day at a time. Where does the marriage fit in? It is such a physically demanding time that some days a kiss and hug and quick "I love you" is all we seem to get in.

I struggle with putting the program before my marriage, but my wife doesn't. She is the one who says, "Don't you have a regular meeting tonight"? Not in a pushy way, just a gentle reminder. I thank God that with the bad decisions I have made in my life, that I did so well with the decision of marriage. I look back on some of my previous long term relationships and think, "Wow, what in the hell was I thinking?"

Donnie, I feel the same way about my wife.

Les, my wife and I find some of the best "experiencing" of our marriage is when we talk about it. Go figure.


Member: Lisa M
Location: ocean springs, ms
Date: 5/7/2002
Time: 2:23:44 PM

Comments

hi i am lisa an alcoholic, when i first got sober 2 1/2 years i woke up and as the fog cleared i didnt even know my husband of 8years we ended up getting divorced a year ago. We are better friends now than ever before. I thought it was all "his" problems for the reasons we divorced. Now through the program I see all my manipulations and the hell i put him through. Though we are both happy on our own AA has given my children parents that are healthy mind and body, I love this site because i am on the road alot and cant always make meetings. God bless you all!


Member: will h
Location: langhorne
Date: 5/7/2002
Time: 8:21:49 PM

Comments

Thanks again everyone for sharring. I have read through most of the commens including mine and I am greatful for the opportunity to listen and share.

I know I have to keep coming back. thanks for listening, thanks for sharring.


Member: Michael B.
Location: AZ
Date: 5/7/2002
Time: 10:11:31 PM

Comments

Hi! My name is Michael, and I am an alcoholic and addict, sober today only by the grace of God and the Fellowship. Thanks for the sincere shares! Welcome newcomers!

Congratulations to all those who have been able to maintain a healthy relationship in sobriety, especially between two AA's. I have been denied this opportunity due to health reasons.

My alcoholism helped destroy one long-term relationship in my life, and while there was some thought of reestablishing this relationship after accumulating several years in sobriety, I developed serious physical impairments, which forced me to realize that I don't have the physical and emotional strength to maintain an active and vibrant relationship.

Fortunately, I've also realized that I have gained enough maturity in AA to acknowledge how unrealistic it would be to attempt to establish a serious relationship now. During my drinking years, I wouldn't have given any thought to at least trying, however unrealistic that might have been.


Member: AJ
Location: MASS
Date: 5/7/2002
Time: 10:28:41 PM

Comments

HI- AJ, ALCOHOLIC- STRANGE TO FING THIS TOPIC TONIGHT, B/C I'M HAVING SO MUCH CONFLICT IN MY MARRIAGE RIGHT NOW. WE WERE BOTH SOBER 13-14 YEARS UNTIL LAST SUMMER WHEN WE BEGAN DRINKING ANDHAVE HAD CONTINUOUS SLIPS SINCE THEN. THERE ARE SO MANY LIES AND HURT FEELIMGS NOW BETWEEN US. JUST TONIGTH I FOUND OUT THAT HE HAS BEEN DRINKINS WHEN HE HAD SAID HE WAS SOBER THE LAST 4 MONTHS. I'VE HAD SLIPS TOO, BUT HIS DECIET IS SO HARD FOR ME. I KNOW I NEED TO FOCUS ON MYSELF, BUT I FEEL CONSUMED WITH HIS ADDICTION. WE HAD NO IDEA HOW GOOD WE HAD IT ALL THOSE YEARS SOBER. I WISH WE COULD GET BACK THERE. I WANT TO STAY SOBER AND SEE HIM GET IT TOO.WE HAVE 3 GREAT KIDS DEPENDING ON US. GLAD TO GET THIS OUT THERE. I'M HANGING ONTO THE PROGRAM AS MUCH AS I CAN. THANKS.


Member: Joe P.
Location: Chicago
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 12:01:48 AM

Comments

I'm Joe, alcoholic. My sponsor gave me one piece of advice that has done wonders for my marriage and many other areas of my life - "Don't drink and go to meetings". When all else fails, and that is often enough, this advice always works. I've been told that AA is a simple program for complicated people - Keep it simple. Thanks for all the sharing; I'm grateful to be sober today.


Member: Kathy K
Location:
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 3:05:20 AM

Comments

I wish I had, many possitive things to say about this topic, but I don't. My very long term boyfriend, and his family were the ones to point out my drinking problem...for a very long time I thought they were the problem. But my boyfriend acts like oh well your problem not mine, he can't understand the mood swings or how I feel uncomfortable in a bar, still...I try to explain, but when it comes down to it, I feel like I'm on my own. I constanty am reminded, that I wasn't always like this, filled with anixety and fear...and I wasn't while I was drinking, I think it's because it was my way to relax and escape, blow some steam, and get lost from my problems...to disapear from myself. I went to AA meetings a few times, when I thought, there was no problem, to shut his family up... and now that I know there is a problem, I stay away...because he acts like every problem is my problem, minus the drinking, there still is a lack of understanding. I'm a dry drunk, I guess that is what you guys would call it...that has a problem being dry, and staying that way. I'm thankful, for sites like this, but I sometimes I think I just "hit" them to hide and let everyone think I'm fine, there never was a problem...but even with out a drink, I still have the same problems...they just seem to chase me non-stop, running around in my mind and keeping me up late...my concentration is poor, I don't mean that I'm always sitting around dreaming of drinking, mind you...I've had several, drinking dream in my sleep...my thoughts pervent me from enjoying life in general...medications help, and my lows aren't as low, but their pretty low. I like to think that it's a chemical imbalence, after all it runs in the family, but un like my family members, they have never done, what I have done...they never drank like me (well some of them) and the other one's that aren't on meds, do...I sometimes would like to think that it wasn't my fault, or theirs...we were born this way, and we never learned the right way. I don't know what I should do, all I know is I'm scared if I go off my meds I'll drink and drug...if I stay on them I'll be better off. Has anyone ever gone through, something like this? Sorry that I went a little off topic...if anyone could share, a comment, it would help. Thank you for this site, and your posts, I don't feel as alone...lates nights working can be a bummer, and sites like this help me from just paying attention to my own thoughts.


Member: Kathy K
Location:
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 3:09:11 AM

Comments

I meant this site helps me NOT pay attention to my own thoughts (sorry)


Member: Ray C
Location: Haines  Alaska
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 5:35:47 AM

Comments

Hi Y'all...Well when I first got to AA I heard were not marriage concellors,financial institutions or anything other than a way to guit drinking and I agree but since we've all got opinions and I've some experience here goes. I got married after 4yrs of continuous sobriety and stayed that way although not always easy for 20 more. Last October my wife just up and took of for england to live with a cyber lover she meet online less than a year before.Lifes full of little suprizes and although I knew things wern't perfect I must admitt this shook me up just a bit.Probably more a blow to me ego than anything.This is my second divorce so I know its's not the end of the world.I remained alcohole free but did smoke some pot for a few years during our marriage.We worked together at several jobs the most primary being a musical duo,playing bars and events from Oregon to Alaska. My only thoughs ,for what there worth are not to put anybody on a pedistool,keep your dependencies on a higher power and your program ,not on your partner and found marriage to be a wonderful and fulfilling thing in spite of the abrupt ending.Sharings a great thing but having yourself togethers an important part of keeping anything else together too. Nuff said from me since I'm just kind of getting my thoughts back together on the subject.Thanks for all your posts and Happy Mothers day to all you mothers out there.


Member: Tom M
Location: Homosassa, FL
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 10:42:09 AM

Comments

Hi All Tom M recovering Alcholic. There is a lot that can be said about this topic. But we don't have the time or space here. Sufice to say I was blest with a wonderful LADY, that stayed with me all through my drinking days. When any other smart woman would have dumped me for a better life years ago. God knows she had every right and reason. But she stayed with me and kept our family together. To day we are blest with a happy family and have been for almost 12 years. It started over 40 years ago. But because of AA and its wonderful (Simple) program, we are a happy, productive, succesful family today. It happened for me and it can happen for you too. Keep coming back.


Member: Cec H
Location: Cowtown
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 11:19:31 AM

Comments

I was sober and in the program when I met my non-A.A. wife to be.Because she didn't know anything about the program and never saw me drunk or drugging( if she had we wouldn't be)trying to explain to her why I need my meetings or getting involved ie Gsr,inter-group..ect is a bit of a stumbling block for us. Of course it didn't help when I cut back on my meetings when we were dating & newlyweds. So after three years of dating and six years of marriage she's saying why more know and Telling her So I continue to do the right next thing just doesn't cut it. I know things will work them selfs out in time. It's just doing the time that gets to me.


Member: Kim D.
Location: Bridgewater
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 3:52:12 PM

Comments

Although I am not married today, I have been and am currently in a long-term relationship with a man. We had a child in June, 2001 and have been together for 3 1/2 years.

The biggest lesson for me right now is about BOUNDARIES. In my first marriage, I was so emeshed in my husband's thoughts and feelings and moods that it effected me constantly. I also blamed him for my irritability or discontent because HE was in a bad mood... talk about not taking responsibility for oneself!!! No boundaries what-so-ever: he was me and I was him and we were ONE. Totally unhealthy.

Today, I am beginning to see that my partner's thoughts, feelings, and actions ARE HIS - not mine - and although certainly may effect me somewhat - they do not own me today. "Live and Let Live" is a great slogan in marriage, I think.

AA is also teaching me to keep the focus on myself - to check my motives - be respectful of his point of view (although I may not agree) and to not depend on another human being for my happiness. For that I am truly responsible.

Thanks for letting me share- Kim kimtuck67@hotmail.com


Member: JL
Location: The Beach
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 5:00:26 PM

Comments

What a week, just celebrated two years sober in the program and 19 years of marriage. My wife is a non drinker. She has five or six a year. How she stayed married (or better why) to me during the last years of very heavy drinking I'll never know. She must have had hope that the man she married may come back some day. The past two years of our marriage have been like the early days. Our relationship has grown dramatically in a very short time. We talk like never before, we live and let live, and I am learning to keep my big mouth shut. Nineteen years is a long time and of course we have had our difficulties, it is just now that I see solutions rather than problems. We are truly enjoying ourselves and our daughter. This to me is a gift of the program that I never would've expected. She prodded me, mostly in a nice way to take care of my drinking problem. I was in denial and never could see how bad it was. Looking back is very instructive, and it only strengthens my resolve the work the best program I can. I guess I came in to save our relationship, but what I found was that we have created a whole new way of living. I gained a zest for life that I carry into being a husband and a father. I can be there now for her and I am doing things I never knew possible. Attitude of gratitude to AA and all the help I've had working the program and to my sponsor who really has been an inspiration with a long time sober marriage. Growing spiritually and leaving the results to God really does work in my relationship with my wife.


Member: mike daniels
Location: altamonte springs (orlando), FL
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 5:20:12 PM

Comments

Well, I am very happy to be clean and sober today. The last year and a half have been quite a mess for me, and I am glad to have finally put it to rest. I most important parts in my last 13 months of sobriety have been my mental composure and strong heart. I have desires just like many other people, and one of them was to quit drinking and get on with my life. If you think drinking is so important, then put on a suit and stand in front of a mirror with your resume in one hand, and a quart in the other. I rest my case. To Janet LeBlanc and the rest of the 'drinkers' I have met at Management Consulting Services, I wish all of you good luck in life. Stay true to the ones you love, and most of all yourself. PEACE.

mIKE

here's a little something i wrote for the people who read to this point.

well it's been a very long road, winding, but finishing straight, my sickness at bay seems to erode, but for completion i still have to wait. i have learned that no one is immune, to fall beneath your well being so very soon, sometimes you need help and advice, hopefully just once, but sometimes twice. you feel better when it's out in the open, and speak with people who suffer from what you've chosen, your lives start over and your pasts are frozen, need to start new habits, or you will return down and broken. it's your choice so make the decision, base it on politics or base it on religion, if you're wise you'll look elsewhere instead, just to realize it's all in your head.

it's all mental, nothing else. control your mind, and you can do anything.


Member: mike daniels
Location: altamonte springs (orlando), FL
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 5:22:43 PM

Comments

Well, I am very happy to be clean and sober today. The last year and a half have been quite a mess for me, and I am glad to have finally put it to rest. I most important parts in my last 13 months of sobriety have been my mental composure and strong heart. I have desires just like many other people, and one of them was to quit drinking and get on with my life. If you think drinking is so important, then put on a suit and stand in front of a mirror with your resume in one hand, and a quart in the other. I rest my case. To Janet LeBlanc and the rest of the 'drinkers' I have met at Management Consulting Services, I wish all of you good luck in life. Stay true to the ones you love, and most of all yourself. PEACE.

mIKE

here's a little something i wrote for the people who read to this point.

well it's been a very long road, winding, but finishing straight, my sickness at bay seems to erode, but for completion i still have to wait. i have learned that no one is immune, to fall beneath your well being so very soon, sometimes you need help and advice, hopefully just once, but sometimes twice. you feel better when it's out in the open, and speak with people who suffer from what you've chosen, your lives start over and your pasts are frozen, need to start new habits, or you will return down and broken. it's your choice so make the decision, base it on politics or base it on religion, if you're wise you'll look elsewhere instead, just to realize it's all in your head.

it's all mental, nothing else. control your mind, and you can do anything.


Member: mike daniels
Location: altamonte springs (orlando), FL
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 5:22:45 PM

Comments

Well, I am very happy to be clean and sober today. The last year and a half have been quite a mess for me, and I am glad to have finally put it to rest. I most important parts in my last 13 months of sobriety have been my mental composure and strong heart. I have desires just like many other people, and one of them was to quit drinking and get on with my life. If you think drinking is so important, then put on a suit and stand in front of a mirror with your resume in one hand, and a quart in the other. I rest my case. To Janet LeBlanc and the rest of the 'drinkers' I have met at Management Consulting Services, I wish all of you good luck in life. Stay true to the ones you love, and most of all yourself. PEACE.

mIKE

here's a little something i wrote for the people who read to this point.

well it's been a very long road, winding, but finishing straight, my sickness at bay seems to erode, but for completion i still have to wait. i have learned that no one is immune, to fall beneath your well being so very soon, sometimes you need help and advice, hopefully just once, but sometimes twice. you feel better when it's out in the open, and speak with people who suffer from what you've chosen, your lives start over and your pasts are frozen, need to start new habits, or you will return down and broken. it's your choice so make the decision, base it on politics or base it on religion, if you're wise you'll look elsewhere instead, just to realize it's all in your head.

it's all mental, nothing else. control your mind, and you can do anything.


Member: Günter
Location: Bavaria / Germany
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 5:34:36 PM

Comments

am married to an sober alcoholic for 14 years. Join EA, AA and Alanon for 13 years. AM GREATFUL for the program. Marriage is still a challange! Dry does not mean sober. Rigurous honesty with myself is IMPORTANT! And: let go and let God!! Thats all for now. Thanks.


Member: Mike G
Location: So Cal
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 7:35:29 PM

Comments

My name is Mike and I am an alcoholic whose acoholism also took me into severe chemical abuse. This is my second time to share here. Last week I forgot to say it was my first. Thank you all for being here particularly the newcomers. Keep coming back. I am always comforted and strengthened when among the fellowship of A.A.

I really don't know about doing a relationship. It's become clear to me that I treated a woman in a relationship as something to own and to enhance my self image and how others saw me. At the start all efforts would be geared towards very subtly and even deviously convincing her to conform to behaviours that would not conflict with that. Of course, I would have denied any such allegations. Yet, I was attracted to women with egos and powers of manipulation equal to or greater than my own. Usually resulting in a lot of drinking, using, many explosive situations and me hooked on another relationship that just contributed to my insanity.

Approching three years of sobriety now, I don't do the significant other thing. Not that I have totally ruled it out but in sobriety I am trying to focus on the things that will keep me sober. I seldom feel like I am getting enough of it right but keep going for growth and not perfection. I have sober female friends as part of my personal support team and down the line who knows? The gifts of sobriety can come when we least expect and even when we think it's the last thing in the world we might want.

Mike, alcoholic, thanks for letting me share.


Member: Valerie M.
Location: Canada
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 8:17:23 PM

Comments

When I finally broke down and decided to phone AA, I had only been married for 6 months. For the first couple of years of my sobriety, I would look at my husband like "who the hell are you?" Luckily, our relationship became stronger, the longer I stayed sober. I know it doesn't always turn out that way and I'm grateful we worked out! I think there's always that "iffy" period when you're in a relationship with someone you were always drunk with and you suddenly have to look at them without your "beer goggles". I mean aside from physical appearance - you have to be with the person in the "real world"! It doesn't always work. I'm now 9 years sober and I can't tell you how much that means to me. I'm forever humble and truly grateful to AA for getting me sober and keeping me that way.


Member: Dan H.
Location: Glennallen Alaska
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 9:08:29 PM

Comments

Dan, a slowly recovering alkie and addict. Marriage and AA has been at the forefront of my mind the last year....The woman I love and married 24 years ago divorced me last fall. I have been sober almost 5 years so it is sortta hard to figure out. Some say that she was too used to me being drunk and the new me makes her uncomfortable. I suppose that could be. I have changed alot in sobriety and would hope I was much less controlling around her. But we don't change completely overnight and I do know my higher powere has me just where he wants me for today. And I am still sober. Thanks to all of you. ODAAT


Member: Jim F
Location: Guilin, China
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 9:44:13 PM

Comments

Early in sobriety I went to my Saturday morning meeting, got a call from a friend about a new noon meeting, went to that with him, then to a 2:30 meeting that afternoon to see a friend take a cake, and off to my regular Saturday night meeting where an old friend was secretary.

The next day I was telling a friend in the program what I had done the day before. He asked me what my wife thought of all those meetings, the implication being that I might want to stay home a little more often.

I asked her. She answered, Go to your meetings. At least I know where you are. Do whatever it takes to stay sober.

But I did think it over. I was still running away from my responsibilities at home. At two years sober, I did not "need" 4 meetings to stay sober, I "wanted" them. So I did cut back and start to be more of a husband and father, but I have never stopped going to meetings.

Jim from Sequim


Member: AAron
Location: Kansas
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 11:29:57 PM

Comments

Thanks for the topic. I have been married for 9.75 yrs 7.75 sober. My wife is an active member of A.F.G. I resemble a lot of the remarks made above!. The first thing that we have to develop is a relationship with an H.P. With out that we can really struggle. If you have been fortunate enough to find a partner to go on this journey with you remember Live and Let Live!.


Member: Steve M
Location: the snow country (still)
Date: 5/8/2002
Time: 11:34:16 PM

Comments

Steve, recovering alcholic (for the second time) and proud to say that we are celebrating 29 years of marriage today. For a little over half of that time I was a practicing alcholic. I first went to treatment about 19 years ago while my wife was left with the problems I had created in a city 1000 miles away. She wnt to Alanon long after I thought I no longer needed AA. After about 16 years of sobriety I figured out that I surely had returned to normal and could start drinking like a normal person. Not such a good plan, right? My wife had told me for years that if I fell back into being a drunk that she would have to leave me as she couldn't do it all over again. After several years of carefully hidden drinking I could no longer conceal the ill-fated path I had taken. Did she leave me? No, she found a place where I could once again find help and supported me through the whole thing once again. I now have almost 6 months of sobriety again thanks to her loving help and my once again having to admit that only God, not myself can keep me on in the right direction. Aren't I a fortunate guy? I have a wife which still loves me and a God which still loves me in spite of the person I am. I am back once again attending meetings and so is she. I know I would not have recovered a second time without both of them. Have a good night, I know I am.


Member: Larry v.
Location: Sacramento,Ca.
Date: 5/9/2002
Time: 12:27:38 AM

Comments

I will be clean and sober in A.A. 22 years in July 02. I was involved with a nurse before I got out of treatment in 1980. Its a good thing I was convinced that I couldn't drink or use. We were married when I was about 20 months sober . At 5 years sober I was asked to leave and was divorced. I had just finished building a house and couldn't believe something like that could happen after all I was sober. I was stunned for a couple of years. I went to a lot of meetings and continued to work the steps. At around 9 years I married a gal in the program. I found out later that her "6 years" were on the marijuana maintanance program . We divorced in 93 and I went celibate (something I thought impossible) for 3 years. Then in 97 I met my current wife. We dated for 3 years and Married in 8/01. I did something new .I got to know her really well and we are truly best friends.


Member: ChuckM
Location: Alberta
Date: 5/9/2002
Time: 3:10:21 AM

Comments

I'm Chuck,an alcoholic

I have been married for over 20 years and also in AA.My wife says she has forgiven me for the bad 2 years before I got sober. However her behavior does not show this.

Because of this I have attended many more meetings than normal. I have learned the program found in the Big Book. I have been able to help many people in this program.

I am not one to say God caused this so I could be some use to Him.

The lesson I have learned is that it is not the situation that makes me miserable, it is what I think about it. Whenever I catch myself feeling down I realize I have been thinking about something I have no control over.

The solution is to stop thinking about me and to turn it over to God. He (step 11) says go out and help somebody. I have found much

Peace and Serenity.


Member: Karl G.
Location: Toronto
Date: 5/9/2002
Time: 5:52:15 AM

Comments

I am really struggling with my sobriety, but everyday of my life for the past 8 years or so i intended to quit, i hope by coming here i can gain some hope and conquer this craving which i have, usually i last about one week, go on a one day binge and then stop for 6-7 days and continue the cycle. One day by the grace Of God i will conquer this addiction


Member: Sue
Location: PA
Date: 5/9/2002
Time: 10:14:14 AM

Comments

I am Sue and I am an alcoholic. It will be 60 days for me on Sunday-Mother's day which is very appropriate as I have 3 kids who helped me see I needed AA. Thanks for the topic Kelly. This is my first on-line meeting and just this morning I was lamenting my marriage. I don't know what to do. I would like my husband to attend al-anon, and I think it would help both of us tremendously. He tends to be angry about life in general. While I feel I am just beginning to get better, I wish my husband and I could share this recovery. But he isn't an alcoholic. He does tend to blame the world for his unhappiness and even though I have suggested he would be happier if he accepted things he can't change, I realize I can't change him. I want to-but I can't. So I have to take a dose of my own medicine. I'll keep coming back. thanks.


Member: Jim F
Location: Guilin, China
Date: 5/9/2002
Time: 10:19:10 AM

Comments

Jim, alcoholic

For Larry V, 1980 was a great year! I am June 28, so we are almost twins. Unless California has changed a lot, we would be taking cakes during part of the same week.

Relationships in AA may be difficult but they are so rewarding. I am here in China with the woman I met in the program. When we got married, it was the social event of Torrance AA. At least I thought so ...

Jim from Sequim


Member: trish
Location:
Date: 5/9/2002
Time: 2:11:49 PM

Comments

lots of comments on that subject and many differnt views wether marriage or relationships eeveryone knows thats a hard thing to live with and i guess since you have to take your sobriety one day at a time this you will too nothing in life is guranteed just be happy ther are people who love you and stand by you thru bad and good


Member: trish
Location:
Date: 5/9/2002
Time: 2:13:59 PM

Comments

lots of comments on that subject and many differnt views wether marriage or relationships eeveryone knows thats a hard thing to live with and i guess since you have to take your sobriety one day at a time this you will too nothing in life is guranteed just be happy ther are people who love you and stand by you thru bad and good


Member: Joni B
Location: East Coast
Date: 5/9/2002
Time: 4:04:36 PM

Comments

In response to Kathy K -- sure you still have the same problems now that you are sober as when you were drinking. We all do! The main thing to remember is that drinking only makes our problems worse -- NEVER better. Does your boyfriend attend any Al-Anon meetings or research your drinking problem in any way? Sounds like he needs to be less judgmental of you & more supportive and understanding.


Member: Elaine
Location: Georgia
Date: 5/9/2002
Time: 10:43:05 PM

Comments

hi. Elaine, alcoholic. Sober only 5 days now (after many other brief attempts). Finally really feel great - can get up in the morning, enjoy my son's soccer game, even driving in the misty rain tonight to the grocery was fun, new I guess. When you are drunk you throw away your time - which of course is our most important asset. We all die, but us alkies speed it up quite a bit. One thing - I watched Oprah today about the millions of starving, depraved, children and families in the world today that if they are lucky make $100 a YEAR. I immediately felt bad, thought what would they think me struggling with whether to drink alcohol or not when they sell their kids for money? I am very ashamed for my selfishness. Anyway, back to marraige. My first husband divorced me in 30 days. Thought it was other stuff, but no, alcohol killed us. Then I married an alcholic and we drank almost every day for 3 years. Fun at first, now I am ready to change. So he said he would change with me - promised - but tonight i find out he has been sneaking and lying to me. I will not let this ruin my life, if we cant live sober, i will alone. thanks for letting me share, and to the person who is drinking with her husband everyday do not let him control you - we can do this. We can with help from our friends. Thanks to everyone!


Member: Amy R
Location: Greensboro, NC
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 12:09:58 AM

Comments

Amy - alcoholic - Just need to share

Hello, 2nd time sharing, thanks to all who responded a few months back.

I have 35 days sober. Have a sponsor and attending meetings and praying very hard twice a day. Still having a problem with using the phone. There must be something I am overlooking in this program. My restlestness and irritability levels are increasing and making my life unbearable. I feel so "out of control" to the point that I am in a constant state of panic and fear. I am "afraid" of relapse. I am so defensive towards everyone. I am projecting that my "being out of control" will result in my "letting my AA wall down" or coming to with a drink in my hand. My mixed up brain is telling me that since I still think about drinking every single day, and since I am confused, scared, and vulnerable, powerless, and sick that I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT FIRST DRINK. I dont ever want to drink or feel that way again, I need to feel more certain that I am not kidding myself. Do I really want to drink to curb my fear and anxiety? NO. How then do I learn new ways to deal with life? Who will show me? God? The big book? Thank you for reading. I have answered many of my own questions but please I need to feel connected to someone. I still feel alone even with AA. What am I doing wrong?

God bless you all.


Member: Jean H
Location: New Jersey
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 12:48:29 AM

Comments

Being Pulled In Too Many Directions Trying to Stay Busy & Sober


Member: Judith.L
Location: Melb. Australia
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 2:07:33 AM

Comments

Hi all,

Judith, Clean and Sober today.

((AMY R)) Gosh I wish I had something really wise to say but I am not sure I have but here goes.

Amy you are not missing anything in AA. You are doing your best right now. Its a JOURNEY not a DESTINATION that we are aiming at. Don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, you would still feel Restless and irritable. Maybe what you need to do is not take it all so SERIOUSLY. Let GO. SCREAM if you have to , Smash a pillow or better yet get some old dishes ( I brought some from the second hand shop) and take them outside and SMASH them. There must be so much pain inside you. We have all this pain that was hidden by our drugs or drinking. Don't pick up, it would just be an added problem if you did. Love yourself because your worth it!! Get your pain out or Anger out, don't put it all inside again. That's what I use to do.

This journey can be hard or easy, to make it easy we need to lighten up on ourselves, we need to laugh and not take it all so seriously. I need to hear this to Amy because for today I have been thinking of Suicide again. I hate thinking like that, cause I won't do it, its just thoughts because I am in some pain.

Keep on doing what your doing ((AMY)) ((and the same goes for all the other new comers )) it will get better. This is just how it is for TODAY. Tomorrow will be better.

Love & Rainbows, Jduith


Member: Doreen S.
Location: NJ
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 4:35:48 AM

Comments

Hi ,My name is Doreen. I've been sober for only two days straight now and intend to go for the long run this time. I'm hoping that I will make it more then a few weeks. I never been in a Iv'e only been to one cyber meeting before. I never wrote anything just read. So I hope that I'm doing tis right. I just needed to know that I'm not alone in this fight tonight it's been a hard day. Just reading some posts made me feel better. Thanks for that.


Member: Amy
Location:
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 5:04:17 AM

Comments

Amy, Relax.... you arent in control anymore.....remember!!You arent doing anything wrong and you didnt miss anything, it is normal for us alkies to think about drinking everyday after they first quit..it will pass in time! took about 2-3 months for me!! Just take a break from worrying about everything,and what you missed and what you are doing wrong and let sobriety happen!!

email me if you like shopper1@winco.com


Member: Kelly F.
Location: St. Louis
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 9:46:42 AM

Comments

Thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences this week.

My own experience is that (God willing) I will celebrate 2 1/2 years of continuous sobriety on June 1. I have been with my husband for nearly 19 years, 12 of them married, and we have a beautiful daughter, 6 1/2 years old.

I love my non-alcoholic husband very much, and was grandiose enough to think I could "dodge" the bullet of marital problems simply with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was living in another state of denial about some things, I suppose -- I thought God would take of us.... but I watched my husband clearly starting to dislike the woman I have become. Stronger, less-dependent - actually a bit happy outside of his world. I felt like I was always extending my hand and trying to "drag" him to the life of Happy, Joyous and Free - as Kelly saw it... One day the phone rang and it was his old girlfriend from 19 years ago that he had contacted via the Internet. My reaction to this and his "non-reaction" to my pain was the emotional bottom I needed to realize I must seek outside help for our problems... well my problems, because at present, he is not attending with me. This is what the program teaches us, too. I am grateful to have found a counselor who has worked with sober women alcoholics for many years and I believe God is guiding me. I don't think I've ever felt closer to Him than today.

I struggle with "uniqueness" because as a woman alcoholic, it seems to be far more common that the marriage breaks up after sobriety. I went back through the posts this week to discover that it seems to hold true here, as well. Personally, I do not want a divorce; I believe our marriage is worth saving and I am willing to do the foot work necessary for our marriage to have its best chances.

Early in sobriety I had a woman friend who's marriage to a non-alcoholic HAS survived her 10 years of sobriety and her "advice" to me has always been: "it's not about you and your husband, Kelly. Someday your experiences will help another woman alcoholic going through the same thing." That helps me get me out of self.

I keep this in mind as we go through this next phase. My counselor tells me that at 2.5 years sober, it is natural and right for me to begin to look at our marriage outside of a 4th-9th Step process. There is no blame and no shame. Each day I just try to do the next right thing which INCLUDES my husband, too. This is a family disease.

Thanks again to all and KCB to ((Gina))((Rocky)) ((KarlG)) ((Sue-PA)) ((Elaine))((AmyR)) ((KathyK)) ((me-here)) ((Britta)) and all newcomers and lurkers.


Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 2:23:07 PM

Comments

((Dorren S)) Instead of trying to go for a good long run without drinking, what I found useful was just trying to make it through the next hour. Saying to myself, "I may get hammered later, but right now I plan to stay sober. Who knows what I'll do tomorrow, left to my own devices I may try to run the show again, decline God's guidance and get drunk. But for today I am grateful to me sober!"

When I thought of attending meetings everday for the rest of my life, I just got depressed. It was too big, I couldn't do it....and that is the f*&%ing point. "I" can't do it, God can and I am soooo relived to set this dam burden down and let God have it. BTW it took me 6 months to come to that conclusion, but I can be pretty stubborn when it comes to admitting a weakness.

One day at a time, one hour, even one breath at a time.

P.S. I used to live in Morristown, NJ. I loved it! My work brought me out west. Peace


Member: chris h.
Location: fla.
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 4:33:31 PM

Comments

chris here--alcoholic/addict/bulimic// I don't think that I have a whole lot to say about marriage , even though I have been married 30yrs. We have had a lot of struggles...BUt I have hung in there , believing that we had something to fight for. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel...all because of my Higher Power. He is the only one who can heal. I agree that if we can continue to look at ourselves and point the finger back at ourselves that we will make a lot more progress. I have had a lot of baggage to deal with. I think that we are both beginning to heal which is what is allowing us to be forgiving of each other. I have learned so much from the steps about working on myself and not taking the other' s inventory. Not that I have always done it that way, but I do come back to that. I. too, have been inmeshed in my mate's life way too much. But after spending a week with my 84 yr. old father, I see why it has taken me so long to break free of the co-dependancy that gripped my family of origin. It can be so deceptive. BUt I am very greatful to the program of A.A. for showing me the way. And if i just take it one day at a time...I'm sure I will get there.


Member: Ali L.
Location: La Verne, CA
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 8:35:44 PM

Comments

hi all - Ali/alcoholic here. This is my 'first' meeting. I had been in AA for 10 years back in mid-cities TX, but ever since moving to CA, I can't seem to get into it again. Wow! marriage - how appropriate. If there is one hing I learned in AA it is that HP always gives you what you need in a meeting if you just listen. I've been married almost a year to a wonderful non-alcoholic. We have a beautiful honeymoon baby boy who will be 2 months on Monday. Last night, after doing well in having an occasional glass of wine, I polished off a whole bottle. One of my memories from last night is arguing with my husband about divorce!! I can remember only too well how wonderful my 4 years of sobriety was (I met my husband at the back-end of my sobriety). I need to get back in the program, but I fill up on excuses - mainly on how different CA meetings are compared to TX meetings. I can't drag my husband and son through this hell that we alcoholics always seem to create (at least, I did/do), but I'm not at the "bottom" like I was back in '93 when I originally got sober. I'm terrified that since I haven't hit bottem that I can't get sober like before! I can't let this dis-ease ruin my marriage...I won't let this dis-ease ruin me. Thanks for letting me read and thanks for letting me share!


Member: Norman C.
Location: Reading, PA
Date: 5/10/2002
Time: 10:21:32 PM

Comments

Hi, I'm Norm, a grateful alcoholic. I came to AA because I didn't want my wife to leave me. She didn't. I did discover that I needed alcoholics anonymous regardless of whether I was married or not. All I know is that we are still committed to marriage, and, while it isn't perfect, it beats any alternative. We were married for 16 years before I got sober, and, now have been together an additional 26 years.


Member: Steve M
Location: gettin
Date: 5/11/2002
Time: 12:06:25 AM

Comments

" I can't drag my husband and son through this hell that we alcoholics always seem to create (at least, I did/do), but I'm not at the "bottom" like I was back in '93 when I originally got sober. I'm terrified that since I haven't hit bottem that I can't get sober like before!" Hi, Steve/alcoholic. Ali, I felt the same as you did after I started back after many years. I hadn't hit bottom and so I couldn't justify in my mind returning to treatment, yet I knew that for me that was my only hope in order to break the drinking chain. Once there I was afraid that they wouldn't be able to help me because I had been sober for so long and then relapsed and because of that I wouldn't be able to get to a non-drinking state.Most important though, I didn't think God would forgive me and help me like he did the first time as I had failed him miserably. Fortunately I was wrong on both counts. The Good Lord and a very good CD counselor got me back to my non-drinking roots. They reiterated what I already knew but had long ago forgotten or dismissed as not applying to me. You too can also get back if you willing to truly apply yourself to the task of letting go. I wish you all the best in your journey.


Member: Anonymous Alcoholic
Location: 2689 Ridgecrest Drive
Date: 5/11/2002
Time: 6:16:51 AM

Comments

Kelly, thanks for the topic. I've been M'd for 33 years, 11 of which have been in recovery. Our marriage is definitely 'more real' now than before 12/12/90. We are more willing to risk saying how we really feel. My (saintly) wife no longer keeps her mouth shut when my actions seem 'not to make sense'. I believe she works a great Al-Anon program and I am grateful for that.

If I were still drinking, we would probably still be married (wife doesn't believe in divorce), but we would just be co-existing. Thanks.


Member: Celeste K
Location: NV
Date: 5/11/2002
Time: 11:48:48 AM

Comments

Kelly, thanks for the topic.

This is my first time on the AA web; I'm browsing. Interesting topic.

Never been married. I would bet my alcholic behavior is one of the reasons. Don't trust anyone but yourself! Trust HP sometimes, but, still, I know what's best for me.haha.

If I did now what's best for me, I would'nt be so unhappy. Haven't been to a meeting in over two years, so I thank our HP that a friend steered me to this site.

I'm not drinking. My own will. But I do gamble. My own will. I do blame others for my problems. My own will. I won't let others get close to me, I might get hurt. My own will taking care of myself. haha!

Thanks for the topic and time.


Member: phil
Location: Eastern Ma
Date: 5/11/2002
Time: 4:50:32 PM

Comments

What's the easiest way to find a local meeting?


Member: To Phil 
Location: In Eastern Mass.
Date: 5/11/2002
Time: 5:11:03 PM

Comments

HI Phil look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the white pages of the telephone book. It also may been in the Yellow pages in some areas. Or do it the easy way. Email me and I will send you the contacts from your area. I have AA directories from all over the world. Just name the Ciy you are in or nearby. Bill

az-bill@mindspring.com


Member: KK
Location: Waldport, Or.
Date: 5/11/2002
Time: 10:25:55 PM

Comments

Never been married 2 kids though, probably because I.m an alcoholic! Maybe God bless someday "Keep it simple & Keep the Faith people" God bless you all. Kevin


Member: Joni B
Location: East Coast
Date: 5/12/2002
Time: 9:49:53 AM

Comments

It seems that many of us have been blessed with loving spouses who gave us that "one last chance," even if perhaps we did not deserve it. How lucky we are! With my husband's love and support I am determined never to go back to being that "other person" who got drunk, did not come home (although I never slept with other men thank God) and verbally abused him & blamed him for my drinking & general unhappiness. I don't know why he forgave me, but he did. I have rediscovered that he is my best friend & our marriage is better than it ever was before. And that will help me to keep on the sobriety path -- I don't want to lose this marriage like I lost the first one. Oh, and Happy Mother's Day to all you fabulous Moms out there!


Member: Perry
Location: Poconos of Pa
Date: 5/12/2002
Time: 10:37:34 AM

Comments

It has been my experience that we create what we think about. As this also applies to marriage, what responsibility do I have in the current state of the relationship? Yikes, this is getting a bit to near to home for me, If you had my wife, you’d drink too!


Member: Eddie L
Location: Rocky Mountains
Date: 5/12/2002
Time: 12:07:24 PM

Comments

Hi there...not to get off track to the marraiage topic.....butthis was the closest place I could go for a meeting of sorts....they have no meetings in my area...and the next area is 70 miles away...still checking these meetings out for times and locations

thanks for being here !


Member: Another Alcoholic
Location:
Date: 5/12/2002
Time: 12:14:13 PM

Comments

Thanks, Ali, for the reminder that if I want to keep getting what I'm getting, I have to keep doing what I'm doing. Your post hit a frightened nerve somewhere deep inside me. I never, never, never want to listen to the voice that would tell me an occasional drink would be okay. God bless you and keep you, and thanks for the reminder.


Member: Hipolito
Location:
Date: 5/12/2002
Time: 1:01:06 PM

Comments

Hi i'm Hipolito Alcoholic,sober today by the grace of God and the fellowship of this program .Good topic ,well when i became sober which was a process as you all know we grow we change I became a new person it was good for me but difficult for my wife who i love dearly she had to change also in order to deal with the changes God and this program had made in my life .It was very hard for a number of years i did not think we would make it as a couple but i kept praying doing the right things and by the grace of god i have a wonderful relationship today it took sometime but it works if you work it .thank you for being here god bless you all .