Location: United States of America
Time: 9:48:59 AM
O.K. "Step Nine".......In all my years in sobriety I do not recall more than one indivdual ever apologizing to me. Yes I am a selfish person and if each of us were totaly honest being selfish is a historically acceptable trait as it is necessary for survival.The trick is to not be "exclusively" selfish.What do I mean by that? Well,an example may be that I try ( I emphasize the word "try" as I know as sure as I am human I will often fail)not to deliberatly harm others.I recall doing step-9 and hurting(embarassing) someone needlesly and to this day it haunts me. And that was over 25 years ago! So,in my case I really need to cease "beating myself up" while at the same time TRYING to be reasonably sensitive to other peoples rights,boundries,and feelings.An "oldtimer" once advised me to "wear the hat lightly" (in reference to my approach to the AA program).Years later I could only surmise he observed me "trying-to-hard" and possibly becoming so discouraged(in my attempts to be a perfect Homio Sapien)that I would have an "N.B." or take to the drink.The "steps" are useful and very valuable (in my opinion)as a "tool" to shed guilt feelings,anger etc.BUT......I(being a selfish Homio Sapien) use the steps as a way of discovering more about who I am....and hopefully growing emotionally.KNOW THYSEF! who am I? I am a kind loving and imperffect Homio Sapein.I often fail,I often succeed.Life is much more(in my opinion) than accomplish,accomplish, and accomplish yet more! To be....to just be.....be still and know.Sit with the feelings........easy now.....deep breath.......easy does it....easy.God Bless all of you.I love you.May the god of your ynderstanding be as kind and loving to you as the god of my understanding has been to me.Pleasee,please,PLEASE,do not forgot to FORGIVE YOURSELF along the way!
Member: Bob H.
Location: TriangleClub,South Bend,In.
Time: 3:47:50 PM
hi Bob alcoholic; great topic Tony you said alot thank you
Member: Nikki B.
Location: Poconos, PA
Time: 8:57:49 PM
Hi everyone, I am Nikki and I am an alcoholic. Step 9 is an important step which needs to be done by everyone in order to move forward and to grow on in life the way that our HP wants us to be.
It is important that we do this step, but it should be handled somewhat in the same manner as Step Four. Before we decide that we are going to make amends, we need to talk it over with our sponsor on who we need to make amends to.
It is important to know if we are doing it to help the person that we are making it to, or doing it to make ourselves feel better.
We also need to be ready for the fact that the person we are making amends to may not accept the amends. The important thing to remember is that we are cleaning our side of the street. We can not always right the wrongs that we have done, but we can make the attempt to let the person know that we do care about the damage that was done.
Sometimes the person doesn't even think that we did anything wrong when we are making our amends and sometimes they don't even remember what was done to them.
This step allows us to clean our side of the street and move on in our HP's hands as a better person then the day we were before.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member: sunny s.
Location: New Bedford, Mass
Time: 2:24:26 AM
I think I had my say last week on this step in the discussion meeting last week. One thing I will say is that I heard from the podium when I first came in that I was joining the biggest association of liars,cheats,thieves,and b.s. artists in the world and to pray for the sobriety of the ones that I resented. I was told that was the only amend I could make to some of the people who had to put up with me. I also want to say that it's very hard to b.s. about the 9th step and I don't feel a lot of compassion for the folks who do. So, dang it if I haven't picked up another one to pray for. Did ya ever hear that there is no point in b.s.ing a crowd of expert b.s.ers? I heard that from the podium too, but I think that b.s.ing a crowd of 12 stepping b.s.ers may just save your life because they are going to have to ask HP for help for you. We are condemned to make the same mistakes over and over until we do work the steps and make amends with the guidance of a sponsor who has done the steps. There are some b.s.ers who try to sponsor people through steps they haven't done. When a person makes prayerful amends, the promises start coming true. This is where the HP really starts answering the 7th step prayer as long as we keep going and doing the work through to 12 and around again and again. There is no way to fake what comes to each person as a result of that process. Each person gets a gift of growth of the spirit. Each person gets the deadly burden of the past lifted for one day. Each person who does a prayerful 9th step with the help of a sponsor gets help into a life beyond their imagining if they keep doing it on a daily basis. B.S.ing has little attraction if you have to go to the folks and admit that you lied. Stealing isn't worth the embarassment. Selfishness just isn't as natural and comfortable. We are no longer condemned to destroying ourselves and others with no possibility of changing. We have a chance now of achieving other goals. We have to learn a whole new way of disagreeing with others, so we don't have to make amends for every disagreement. We have to find a lot of new ways to behave, and it can seem overwhelming until we get in the habit of step 11. We need sponsors who can make us laugh as well as take our inventories when we forget. We have to remain ready in our hearts to make amends to anyone we can't find. Praying for them is important to me. I ask the higher power to make things right with them until I can say my piece and help out. Self seeking slips away. Of course it slips back again and tempts you, but if you have to make amends for it it gets harder to act on self seeking urges. It's just not as much fun to do the wrong thing, to zing a jerk. I hate making amends to jerks. Guess I'm around the circle now.
Member: Jack B.
Location: CUMBOLA PA
Time: 2:25:21 AM
Hi I am Jack a real alcoholic,step nine is crucial to our recovery but needs to be taken when we have some of the cobwebs cleared from our alcoholic driven mind. Step nine for me was explained quite simply that when I have finished this step, I am no longer or should be no longer fearful of the past.I am now living in the today with the past as my reminder of just what awaits me if I should pick up that first drink. Step nine is not to make me feel good at the expense of others but to try and repair the wreckage of my past.The second part where doing so may injure them or others, I must not allow my ego to consider me an other.I created this mess.I also need to be ready to accept rejection,if I am not then I am not ready for this step. The promises truly do begin to come true upon the completion of cleaning up my wreckage from the past. The greatest benefit that this step gave me, was that I realized that I was not a bad person, I just made an awful lot of bad choices in my life. Being able to live in the today, quite simply I have found I am useful, no more no less.I have a reason to get up in the morning and face life on God's terms and accept whatever comes into my life and just do the best I can sober. God Bless all on our journey of recovery.
Member: Lynn S
Time: 11:47:47 AM
Hi...I'm Lynn and alcoholic. I had to be careful not to grab people by the throat on this one. I had a real need to unload the guilt. What has helped me over the years is the Serenity Prayer along with this step. Wisdom is pretty much the key with this step. Thanks for being here and letting me share.
Member: Kim S.
Time: 11:48:21 AM
Hi! Alcoholic named Kim, here. Step 9-amends. I agree with what's already been posted here-this step cleaned up the wreakage of my past. I do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it; is the promise that pops into mind for me. I have tried, to the best of my ability, to fix the messes I created, harms done,& not do those same things again. Today, I can look at my past, share them with whomever it might help, & NOT cringe at my own behavior. Yes, I am human, not perfect, & still do make mistakes; but, AA taught me how to fix them. Thank God (my HP). I can look anyone in the eye & NOT feel shame.
There is an amends of my own that I had to tread carefully. Had I went to this person & revealed all, they would have been hurt more. So I accepted responsibility for what was already known & vowed to continue changing me, my behaviors, & my attitudes. It is working! We have a mutually respectful & honest relationship now. It wasn't always that way.
Thanx for letting me share. Peace & serenity to all.
Member: Faye Ellen N.
Location: Clam Gulch,Alaska
Time: 2:53:21 PM
Step 9 - I've been making amends to evryone since I got my first DWI this fall. Being a newcomer I started with my two daughters that are very aware of whats going on and what mom did. This was very hard and I live with it on a daily basis because i now have no drivers license to be able to get them to school, take them anywhere. I'm working on getting back my license but i still say how sorry i am to them everyday. I look forward to working the steps with evryonr here. Thank uou for letting me join your Steps meeting.
Time: 3:26:31 PM
I want a drink now i have been in the program a long time how the hell do i get to a meeting now online?
Member: Michael B.
Time: 11:35:52 PM
Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober today only bu the Grace of god and the Fellowship! Welcome to the newcomers! Thanks everyone for sharing!
DPC, you might try using your web browser to find a "real time" meeting, if you haven't already. Maybe there is a local AA hotline you can call as well.
When I was making amends, I worked off my 8th Step list, which in turn, was mainly derived from my 4th Step work. Also, and as I mentioned last week, this is a dynamic process, in which I can add to my amends list anytime and make amends as often as necessary.
I will say, again, I think it's important to work with a sponsor or other close spiritual advisor when making amends, primarily to help ensure that the timing is right and the amend is necessary. Not too long after I had gotten sober, I decided to make an amend to an ex without discussing it with my sponsor. She told me, in effect, to take a hike.
Even worse things can happen, however, so consulting a sponsor or other spiritual advisor before making amends cannot be overemphasized. Fortunately, my own experience and what I've heard from other AA's is that good results are the norm here.
Member: sunny s.
Location: New Bedford, Ma.
Time: 11:58:10 AM
Please excuse me for making more that one entry here this week. I'd just like to ask that everyone read my posting on the coffee pot this date in regard to "Tonyaduck". Thanks.
Member: Dianne B.
Location: Oakville, Ontario
Time: 1:27:21 PM
Hi Im dianne and I am a recovering Alcoholic and I hv now been sober 22 years. It has taken me a long time to make amends of the past as the opportunity to do so without hurting others does not always arise. For the ones I cannot make right away I put up on the shelf and will take them down when the opportunity arises. For today I try to take one day at a time and do a moral inventory daily and make amends promptly for the wrongs I have done. This way I will not carry any baggage over to the next day. Have a good week I have been going to a lot of meetings lately, I must always remember that I cannot safely take the first drink and that u people are my medication. Talk to u again next week
can never safely take that first dring and that
Member: Jenn P.
Location: Poconos, PA
Time: 8:09:15 PM
Hi all, Jenn here- an alcoholic who is happy joyous and free! For me this step has given me a good part of that freedom. Making amends, mending, if I can broken relationships, has allowed me to go out into the world without fear.
For me also though, I need the guidance of my sponsor in considering any amends. I rushed out early to do some amends, and could have ended ended up injuring those people further. I need to know what I am making amends for, and it has taken me time to see that, and to come to the right place in my heart. I must pray before I go out to make amends, and my Higher Power will always help me do the right thing.
Thank God for this beautiful program, and for the miraculous gift of sobriety. Love to all.
Member: Chuck M
Time: 3:54:14 AM
I'm Chuck, an alcoholic. Step 2 says I have to be restored to sanity, and it is after step 9 that the Big Book says sanity has returned.
By doing steps 2&3 I started to get right with my God. I started getting right with myself by doing steps 4 to 7 and the willingness part of step 8. The third leg of my sanity is to get right with my fellow man.
Step 3 says I have to get rid of my selfishness and at step 9 I am leaving selfishness and thinking about my fellow man's benefit.
I do step 9 to repair the harm done to them not to make me feel good. The Big Book says that I then become useful to God and my fellow man.
The reason I feel good doing this step is because I am doing God's will as directed in step 3. I felt good after each step because I was following God's direction and consequently was very willing to do step 11 daily to maintain that good feeling.
Peace and Serenity
Member: Sam J
Time: 10:03:31 PM
Hi. I'm an alcoholic and my name is Sam. This step is a biggie. When I first got sober, dry, I did not try to make amends to those close to me right away. I knew they would just think it was just some more of my B.S. I waited 4 years so they would know that I was serious about getting sober. I tried at that time to make amends to my 4 children and the 3 ex wives. I think the ex wives accepted my amends because they were so happy that they didn't have to put up with me any more. 20 more years have passed and my amends are still not accepted by my children. Of course, I wish they were but I was and am willing to make them and that is what is important. There are many other people whom I wish I could make amends to but they are the type of things that would only open old wounds. Those amends, I just have to turn over to God. Those people are in my prayers though. Thanks for being there and for letting me share. Sam
Location: san diego
Time: 4:29:11 AM
This may seem a little wierd but when I started doing my ninth I viewed each person I had any relationships with during my life as being sort of connected to me with invisible strings. With many it was a negetive connection. Owing money, fights, saying hurtful things,stealing ect. These memories and experiences wieghed heavily on me and left me feeling shame, guilt and fear. When I first got sober my whole life felt like one big disaster. So by going back and apoligizing, paying off debts,and repairing these relationships as best as possible, I definately feel much more at peace. I am begining to feel comfortable in my own skin sober. For me I didn't feel happy in sobriety until well into the ninth step.
Member: sunny s
Location: New Bedford Mass.
Time: 11:20:10 AM
Hi sunny here.....It troubles me to have to post this but my sponser says it is best that I do it.I picked up a drink...well a bit more than one.But I stopped and am trying to get back into the steps again.It really was not my fault! Someone put vodka in my coffee.