Member: Gabrielle
Location: Arlington, TX.
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 2:47:48 PM

Comments

Gabrielle grateful recovering alcoholic. Goodness I have not been first on so many pages before. And that brings to mind the topic I would like to hear about. Thinking I am number one, the all power full, the controler. I used to think that the wrold revolved around me, and that I had all the answers. And of course when folks disagreed that was just ough, I didn't need them anyway, I had me right?? Well much to my surprise and great lesson in humility, I learned the hard way that I am very small in the real world. That I have only myself to offer and that I have to work at remaining humble. That I do need others in my life and that infact I cannot grow within myself without them. And of course I do not control anything very well , hence how I ended up in the rooms to start with. So again i learned the hard way that me in charge, me being the only one I need, leads me down a road I do not want to ever travel again. How about you? What are your feelings on number one today? I am grateful to just be little ole me.


Member: Donna F.
Location: California
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 4:06:41 PM

Comments

My name is Donna. I have the disease of addiction. Having recently gone throught the fourth and fifth steps, I have discovered many of my character defects (more will be revealed). Ego is one of them. I thank God that what I'm thinking is not audible. When I tune into thoughts about myself, it's really amazing how large my ego is. It's so true what they say, "we are ego maniacs with low self-esteem" My task is to find a middle ground where I gain a proper perspective on my place in God's universe without thinking I'm a complete piece of garbage or the greatest thing since sliced bread. The middle ground is a difficult place for this addict to find...I'm a black and white thinker. With the help of my higher power, I feel hopeful that I will come out of my ego-centered existence and into one that is completely centered in spiriuality. The alternative is fatal. For me, it's about changing the way I think....my old, habitual thinking patterns and behaviors do not serve me well anymore... I ask God everyday to remove my defects of character, good and bad, if they inhibit me from serving God. God Bless you all. Don't drink and don't use today, I'll do the same...God willing.


Member: Melissa
Location: Canada
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 4:07:57 PM

Comments

Thanks, Gabrielle, this is a good topic. It's about distorted thinking, this self-centred notion that the world revolves around me. What came first, the distorted thinking or the alcoholism? I don't know. It took me awhile to recognize my thinking for what it was (and still can be). Here are some things I used to believe: 1) That other people thought as much and as often of me as I did. They do not. 2) That if I believed something, it was the truth. Hah! Not necessarily. Not often. Not even frequently. 3) That I knew as much about myself as I needed to know. (I didn't know the first thing about myself.)

The royal "I", the imperial "me". I was my own God, my own frame of reference and my own mentor. I was stuck in my own distorted brain and I didn't even know I was a prisoner, and a not very bright one at that.

Some sobriety and the clarity it brings, two good sponsors, and an honest effort at the steps have shown me that I am a small and necessary part of the world. It's another paradox - does the world need me? Yes. Could the world get along without me? Yes. That's the way the world works. I am in awe of the basic truths that I was simply unable to grasp. Because I was starting from the wrong premise, that the world revolves around me. Where I am right now is that ego is alive and well and living in me, but at least I can see it more easily and step back. I can't change what I can't see and that's progress for me, seeing things more clearly. Thanks for the topic and the reminder.


Member: Randy P
Location: Florida
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 5:36:44 PM

Comments

The thing that comes to my mind is that this is a "we" program. I don't know how long I was in the rooms, or how many times i read how it works untill I saw the word "WE". Guess what, I am not alone or unique. MY alcoholism is not any better or worse than ylours. We are all in the same boat, albiet , some of us tend to walk the gunrail more than others. The hardeast thing I do in this program is turn my will to a We Will. WE, my higher power and other members of the group. We Together will stay sober today.


Member: DAVE C
Location:
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 6:15:40 PM

Comments

MY NAME IS DAVE AND IM AN ALCOHOLIC; CENTER OF MY UNIVERSE/EXCELLENT TOPIC.WHEN I WAS DRINKING I THOUGHT ABOUT NO ONE ELSE BUT ME.I LEARNED VERY YOUNG THAT MOST PEOPLE THAT WERE NICE TO YOU HAD A HIDDEN AGENDA.SO I STARTED BUILDING WALLS ARROUND ME TO KEEP MOST PEOPLE OUT.THE IRONIC PART IS THAT WHILE I PUT ON A PERSONA THAT I WAS OK AND NEEDED NO ONE. I NEEDED ACCEPTANCE FROM EVERYONE. NO ONE ELSE MATTERED NO ONE DID IT AS WELL AS ME. A STRANGE THING HAPPENED TO ME ONE DAY AS I WAS DRIVIN DOWN THE HIGHWAY.MY HIGHER POWER GAVE ME PERRIFIAL VISION. I MEAN LITERALY I STARTED SEEING OUT OF THE SIDE OF MY EYES.YOU SEE FOR YEARS I HAD ONLY LOOKED DOWN AT MYSELF.THAT IS WHEN ICAME TO REALIZE THAT I WAS NOT RUNNING THE WORLD BUT JUST A SMALL PART OF IT AND THAT I HAD BEEN MISSIN OUT ON A LOT OF LIFE.IM GRATEFUL FOR THIS DAY OF SOBRIETY.IM GRATEFUL FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED ME GET HERE. YOU HEAR ALL THESE GREAT SAYINGS IN AA THE ONE THAT COMES TO MY MIND IS 'EGO' STANDS FOR "EASING GOD OUT"


Member: Bonny  G.
Location: Hot Springs,  AR
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 6:32:56 PM

Comments

Bonny, grateful recovering alcoholic. I had the delusion of thinking that "I" was so important, and yes, the things going haywire in my world were all your fault. I am so glad that my sponsor took the time and patience to teach me that "I" was not so damn important. I was reacting to actions around me. Today I can trust God to be the guide and me to be the follower. I am grateful that I have "steps" to follow today, and enough sense to use them. God Bless and have a good week everyone.


Member: jenn
Location: down south
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 7:01:05 PM

Comments

I need to concentrate every day on reduction of the ego. I surrendered years ago, but it is esstential to the maintainence of my sobriety that I try to practice and realize humility, or I will get sucked back up into the ego vortex that made me drink and use.

When I can stay surrendered, be humble, and realize that I am not the center of the universe (think about the grain of sand on the beach thing........) my day goes so much better and I actually have some serentiy.

Grateful to be in recovery, tonight and always.


Member: Adam H.
Location: Nagano, JAPAN
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 7:04:35 PM

Comments

Adam, alcoholic.

Great topic, and how appropriate for me at this stage of my life! I'm moving back to the United States in about four months and a lot of things are not happening as quickly or as smoothly as I would like them to...things like getting a job after I get back home. Since January, I have been sending out piles of resumes at an alarming rate, yet every place of employment I have contacted has told me that they can't wait for me to finish my contract in July. Facing the prospect of unemploymenmt (even temporarily) has been really frustrating to me and it's been really hard for me to trust that if I continue to suit up and show up sober for life and do the work in front of me, I will be put where I can be useful to God and those about me. Instead, it's almost like that child making an impossible list for Santa Claus that they talk about in the 12&12: "I want this and I want that and I want it YESTERDAY...."

Funny how these so-called "luxury problems" can make me act when I forget that before I came into AA, NOTHING was managable in my life. I couldn't even suit up and show up for life. My best scheming and plotting--drunk or sober--got me in trouble every time. I came into AA so desparate that I was willing to believe my only hope was something other than me. Five years and Twelve Steps later I know that there is a God working in my life and that I will get guidance for my life provided I don't place demands on God (or anyone else) to give it to me on order and on my terms. I'll also probably be less frustrated under those conditions. Yet my ego is convinced that everything is up to me and that all will end in disaster if everything is not perfectly lined up when I get home. That kind of thining is dangerous for me because if I ckeep on going down that path long enough, I can easily just give up and say "Aw, what's the use?!" What then? Get drunk? HELL NO! I really need God's help in putting that kind of thinking in check, and I am glad AA can remind me that my life is in the care of a Higher Power who will (and has) always provided what I need in sobriety.

Sorry for going on so long, but thank you for the topic, Gabrielle! Grateful to be sober.


Member: mariella
Location: los angeles
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 8:52:27 PM

Comments

EGO. yeah. I live in a city that rewards people with the biggest ones on the planet. I was recently talking to someone about why I think AA works, and it seems to be that it teaches people that the individual does not rule the world, and the frustration from trying to maintain that control makes a lot of people go crazy, use drugs and alcohol, become rage addicts, scream at their kids, act violent, you name it. Bad behavior all around. Reduces you to childlike acts that you can't control, because you are out of control. There are something like 1700 meetings a week in L.A., so I think the ego-tripping isn't really working out here. I think there is a lot of that surrendering going on, and understanding that no one person is the center of the universe. There is a force out there bigger than all of us and our addictions rolled into one.


Member: Doug G.
Location: California
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 9:26:27 PM

Comments

Hi Gabrielle. My new friendships with other recovering alcoholics have taught me a lession in humility. I use to believe that my family, financial, emotional and social problems were worse than anyone else. But, in reality, I have so much to be greatful for. For me, it was easy to get caught up being self-centered.

I have some great new alcoholic friends that share their most personal problems with me. It helps me put my problems in perspective. The world does not revolve around me. I care a great deal for my alcoholic friends. I really never had such honest friendships before.

I entered an alcohol recovery program about three months ago. The therapist are great. I can really tell that they care. They are guiding us down the road of recovery. I am really happy to be right where I am today.


Member: Bill F
Location: Lost Angeles
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 9:32:35 PM

Comments

"Work with a new comer," sayeth my sponsor, Every time he finds me immersed in the center of my own universe. In doing so invariably I find myself sharing with the new comer how I am getting through today - and in doing so I invariably discover what's wrong with me at that moment. Getting my focus off me in the interest of passing it on always leaves me with new discoveries of just exactly where I fit in the big picture - just another of God's children making it through another day sober.


Member: DaveA
Location: San Diego
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 9:44:34 PM

Comments

"I" to me, now means far more then it ever did. I used to mean, that I would do anything to please myself despite what i was doing to others. Now, "i" means, my friends, family, sponsor, group, and more. So now I understand that when I do something, many people are actually affected. It is this thought which helps me daily, and one I learned while at a meeting.

When you sit down and write out, literally write out, how many people in your life are affected by the decisions you make it,s facinating. But it is far more sobbering to see how many peopel would be affected by my drinking again, and to what degree. These are the only "I", i am at all interested in. My corner, my family. Let someone else sort out the rest.


Member: mike stuart
Location: new bern nc
Date: 3/17/2002
Time: 10:22:05 PM

Comments

hi mike alcoholic first time i heard the term getting outside of myself was in a.a. went to a meeting tonite where a lady shared in tears she is still trying to get back in the program after having a slip after 4 years of sobriety and was finding it very hard i really felt her pain and realized how fortunate i am to be sober sure i have a life and must may desions every day but i invite god into my life and ask and relie on his power to help me it is not all about me when i get outside of myself i find i am a part of his world and have kinship with other a.a.ers and everybody else and i realize i am not alone that is very comforting to know mms


Member: Shawna T.
Location: Sacaton, AZ
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 12:54:45 AM

Comments

Lately I have been very self absorbed. Thank God for this topic. Today I don't even know if I have the desire to not drink. And I can't remember how long it has been since I worked with a newcomer. Here on the rez, I am very isolated and tend to spend a lot of time inside my own head. So glad this meeting exists. It is good to hear from others and to be a part of a larger organization that focuses on the "we". Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Carol B.
Location: Nevada
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 1:57:23 AM

Comments

Gabrielle, Thanks for the your topic selection. Donna, I sure do identify with your share about the <<The middle ground>> & <<black and white>> thinking". My guess is that most all of us can identify, it seems to be the 'ism' we all share as alcoholics. I know ALL and I know NONE, but to be able to find the MODERATION they talk about, comes with a discipline that can come only from a loving, patient, comforting and understanding higher power. When I will allow my higher power (God) to (once again) show me His qualities and work in my life I begin to see the place where I am able to feel comfortable in my own skin regardless of what else may be going on. That, I think is the existence that is <<completely centered in spirituality>>... Unfortunately my problem staying in that place for any length of time comes only when I allow it to. I then remember "instincts on rampage balk at investigation" and realize I have that choice that has come only through my sobriety, I can choose to, again, ask Him to relieve me from "the bondage of self" and as that begins to unravel my character defects become less desirable to want to hang on to. They seem to not give me the comfort I seek from them so often. It is at this juncture where I am able to see humility win out over the ME, MYSELF and I that is the #1 offender to my serenity.

Thanks for all of the sober sharing from all of you on this board.


Member: Susan S.
Location: Rochester, New York
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 4:41:47 AM

Comments

When I first started attending AA, I wasn't always listening because I thought I had to say something important or brilliant. Now I really listen to others. When I listen with my whole attention and heart, I never fail to feel humility and to learn something positive. I'm perfectly happy to just occupy a chair with my treasured friends in my home group -- and I know I can wait until I really have a thought that will help someone. Listen with your heart.


Member: Kjoe
Location: NYS
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 6:18:29 AM

Comments

Hi Kjoe Alcoholic/Addict... This whole thing of self will run riot and ego deflation kinda burns me... yes, I believe, that when, I was drinking and druging, I was out of control with the rest of the world. I had very twisted thinking because, I had an warped view of life and, thought it main purpose was to have more alcohol or drugs or money or whatever. My life was out of balance with the rest of the planet. But, after much problems and pain a funny thing happened....I got clean and Sober... I followed the path of Good. Orderly. Direction. and my life got better... My strange thinking was restored to sane thinking... my legal problems were dealt with and life returned to a normal state. Today, I make my own choices, I believe, them to be healthy choices. I don't have to ask some H.P. or G.O.D. if it's OK. My ego is right where it is suppost to be, in check. My will is not the disease that needs to be purged... My Alcoholism is!!! kjoe


Member: Scott K.
Location: Rochester, New York
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 7:43:02 AM

Comments

Hi, My name is Scott, Alcoholic.

Greatful to have another day sober. Everyone here in this forum is talking about themselves. HOW CAN IT BE ALL ABOUT YOU GUYS WHEN I KNOW THAT ITS ALL ABOUT ME!!!! - LOL Seriously though, starting to learn to be humble and honest is the best thing for me about AA. I think its key to the "WE" program and I am getting so much better for it. I am a newcommer with just a month but I feel like I have been given this month as a gift. My life is starting over and a lot of it is because of all you out there sharing with this newcommer. Thank you all and may we all have another 24 sober hours.


Member: peter s
Location: england
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 9:00:05 AM

Comments

Dont drink,help others,work the steps.ME to WE.


Member: GARY B
Location: SO.BELOIT ILL>
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 9:30:45 AM

Comments

I was trying to figure out wich one of my sons was jesus. But I figure out after nothing was working out my way that I real wasnt GOD.


Member: Peter W
Location: Texas
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 11:03:44 AM

Comments

Peter, alcoholic. This is a great topic for me today. Lately I have been struggling with ego quite a bit. It's amazing how I revert back to that constant fear state when I get into myself and what is happening in my life. I am getting married in less than 3 weeks and my job security has become more than a little precarious. Sometimes it just skips my mind that when I came in there was no job, no fiancee, and no connection to HP. Thanks to everyone who has shared - it's nice to be reminded that I can always turn it over when it hurts too much, and it always gets there doing things my way.


Member: Billy J.
Location: Scotland
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 11:42:44 AM

Comments

I'm Billy and a very grateful recovering Alcoholic. thanks for the topic Gabrielle It is letting us share what we think about regarding the 1st Tradition. our common welfare depends upon AA unity. I have been sober and attending AA for years but have just got on online in the last couple of months .it was another AA friend who told me about staying cyber. The topic reminds me of the difference between what is important to me today and what was most influential when I drank. then I worked in a shop with lots of staff and in 5 years I knew nothing about other people's lives,dreams ,tragedies etc. yet today I am aware of others problems and good things. AA has taught me not just to be tolerant of others but to really care and love them. Thanks for being there everyone but remember nothing beats a live show. I/m glad to be sober and have aloving God in my life.


Member: da gypsy
Location: central jersey
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 11:52:45 AM

Comments

just coming back after 6 months of R&D. Yesterday would have been my 6 year anniversary, so I decided that this Irish girl should start again with March 17th as her sobriety date. Had my last (please God) drink on March 16th and One Day at a Time, I shall succeed again. Ya know, I could give you a million excuses why I picked up again, but it basically comes down to stupidity. What was I thinking???? I am not one of those earth people who can drink normal. Progression sucks and is fast. Feel wonderful about my decision. Please keep me in your prayers. There is strenth in numbers!

Love, da Gypsy


Member: Mark C.
Location: NYC
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 12:03:52 PM

Comments

Hi. Mark here. Alki from NYC. I don't really buy into the idea of beinng powerless in a geneneral sort of way. I figure that I'm pretty much the same as the next guy, except for the fact I can't drink. I'm powerless over alcohol, and I've got an average amount of power (i.e. not much) over everything else. But I do like the fellowishp with other people who can't drink. I get that here and over at www.unhooked.com. Anyway, I was just making my monthly drop-in to say thanks for getting me sober.


Member: Kim D.
Location: Bridgewater
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 12:24:51 PM

Comments

Good topic, Gabrielle. Just what the doctor ordered, so to speak.

When I first came into the halls,I didn't know that my EGO was getting the best of me and had me on the merry-go-round of relapsing / getting sober. I thought that my only problem was that I drank too much and that once I put the booze down, I'd be okay and live happy, joyous and free. I didn't think I was as bad as the people in AA with their alcoholism, therefore I didn't have to take the suggestions, work the steps or get a sponser. It just didn't apply to ME and if you knew ME - you'd agree. Yeah, right.

The thing was, I was an "ego-maniac with an inferiority complex" as told in the Big Book. I didn't get to know people - get a sponsor - or become active with a group because I thought I could do it "my way" (EGO) and I was afraid that I wouldn't fit in or be liked by people (inferiority complex).

When I hit the bottom with booze and began what I hope is my last recovery journey, I was so defeated spiritually that I didn't have it in me to protest or fight the program or the help of others. I began to understand what humility meant - no better, no less - and that I too needed to follow the steps and work the program if I wanted to maintain my sobriety.

Thanks for letting me share. It's so much better to share our ES&H with one another than to try to do it alone. My emotional sobriety suffers greatly when I edge God out and others in the program.


Member: Bryan K
Location: van,Can
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 4:51:29 PM

Comments

Bryan, alcoholic.I've been in aa for one month today and absolutely love it.So many times did I try to stop drinking ,but could not last,I'd stop for weeks or months but always go back and it always got worse.I know now that I am sick and also that I could never do it alone.Big,no huge ego here!I've always had a perception of spirituality but fought tooth and nail to deny it.When I let my higher power into my life something happened inside of me that is nothing like I've ever felt before,and I'm going to roll with it.My HP wants me to lead a better life and not to drink anymore.AA has opened a whole new world to me,and thousands of others.It is an absolute miracle of a program.I hope all of you feel the way I do and enjoy another 24 .


Member: Dick T.
Location: Vermont
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 6:00:32 PM

Comments

EGO, EASE GOD OUT. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS THAT I AM ALL I GOT. WHEN AND IF I CAN GET OUT OF MYSELF I SEEM TO DO AND BE BETTER FOR ANYONE I DEAL WITH. I DON'T DRINK EACH DAY, I PRAY, AND I GOT TO AT LEAST ONE AA MEETING. REMINDS ME THAT I AM NOT IN CHARGE, GOD IS, AND I NEED ALL THE STRENGTH I CAN MUSTER WITH YOUR HELP TO STAY SOBER. SOBER IS BETTER, AMEN. DICK T.


Member: John H
Location: Indiana
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 6:19:58 PM

Comments

John, alcoholic here. The moment I allow the ego to get control, automatically resentments for whatever reasons, enter my thinkng. I must keep that in mind, because resentment is my worst enemy.

How can I progress and attain some degree of humbleness, humility, if you please---to reduce egoism if not eliminate it?

Well,I know of no original answers. That's why I attend the meetings and tables. The Big Book, the weeism of the group, the 12/12 discussions, the cameraderie, sponsorsip, service (volunteer and elective office). All those actions that repeatedly we hear that will make us humbler and weller.

Several years ago our local weather was on tornado watch and a tremendous cloud burst was taking place. I stood on the balcony in awe, lookng at the trillions of raindrops forming streams of currents on the way to the Wabash River, and on and on to the Ohio and Missisippi Rivers, to the Gulf of Mexico---ad infinitum. I felt a cloak of smallness, of humility, realizing that I (ego) was no more important in the universe, than one of those raindrops. I believe that the Spirit of God was beside me at that moment as a result of my working the program to the best of my ability, guided by thr Higher Power.


Member: Michael B.
Location: AZ
Date: 3/18/2002
Time: 8:50:21 PM

Comments

Hi! My name is Michael, and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict, sober today by the Grace of God and the Fellowship. Thanks for the sincere shares. Welocme newcomers!

Excellent topic, Gabrielle. Without practicing the AA program to the best of my ability, I'm like that person described on pps. 60-62 of the Big Book, i.e. selfish and self centered.

My self-will "run riot" is perhaps best expressed on page 40 of the 12X12: "Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us."


Member: Rose W.
Location: California
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 12:52:35 AM

Comments

Hi I'm Rose, and I am an alcoholic. I think there are two ways to beat ego...one is the program and finding a higher power that will solve my problem (me). Then there's John Barley Corn, who is a merciless master and will surely beat me into submission. Now my head wants to tell me that alcohol is the "easier, softer way", because the program is such a "tall order - I can't go through with it"! While it is often very painful to walk thorough life on life's terms without an emotion altering sustance, it's no where near as painful as John Barley Corn's way, where I go to jail, lose my family, my job, my hope, my soul. My experenice has shown me that I must stay close to the program so I can remember who and what I am, because no matter how far down JBC took me, my ego can grow back like a weed if I don't pluck it out with the steps of the program, which plug me into a power that can relieve me of the bondage of alcohol AND SELF! One day at a time! Head where the feet are! Keep comin' back! Love and God Bless Rose W.


Member: Wendy B
Location: Australia
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 4:52:33 AM

Comments

G'day every body, my name is Wendy and i am an alcoholic who is sometimes extremely grateful and other times not so. To the other extreme, that i am so self absorbed. (Such a Figjam) This brings all soughts of defects out and not very nice emotions. I get very judgemental of others, the very people my higher power wishes me to get close to. I find I want to kick my furniture because i am not grateful for what i have. Everything bothers me when i do not have a grateful heart. I have found that newcomers (and i have only been around for two years and still very new) when they come into the rooms of aa give me so much of a buzz that i am reminded of where i came from and very often where i will go if i don't stick around. I ask my higher power in many prayers (except when i am ungrateful) God you have given me so much, can you please give me one more thing, A Grateful Heart. I am so relieved i am not going to have a hangover tomorrow! I guess that is Gratitude! Thanks guys this is my first share on the internet and I'll keep coming back


Member: jn
Location:
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 7:02:29 AM

Comments

Hi all, I use to go to another site that is similar to this site. I can't find it and was wondering if anyone else shares at another site that is similar to this one. Wishing everyone a peaceful day!!!!!!


Member: bruno  k
Location: royal berkshire
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 8:27:08 AM

Comments

1.Admitted that i can never take booze again EVER. 2.Came to believe that God is same as Father Xmas 3.Decided to use online AA only 4.


Member: Mary B.
Location: Columbus, OH
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 10:47:53 AM

Comments

When I joined AA I thought I was less than dirt, taking up space I didn't deserve and sucking up air meant for others. Someone with sobriety pointed out that was an inverted ego, but ego just the same. With the help of the steps and the people in AA I am now mostly an average human being. What a step up from where I started! My improved status as a fellow being also means I am responsible for my behavior and to AA to see that this program continues to be there for other suffering alcoholics. I need frequent reminders and I get them at meetings. The serenity that I experience as a result of being average is truly blissful compared with where I started 22 years ago. Thanks for the topic Gabrielle.


Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@Yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon USA
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 11:05:42 AM

Comments

Great Topic! What I found most astonishing as I came into recovery and the steps, was my own insanity. When I was drinking I was always sick and tired, but worst of all I was constantly in a rage. The world was a scary, ugly angry place, but I was too chicken to leave it. Alcohol and drugs allowed me to enter into my fantasy world, where I would always win out over others. They also allowed me to ignore all the contrary evidence to my own perfection. Unfortunately (fortunately) I finally reached a place where drinking did not work. My despair became absolute. King alcohol pounded me into submission and forced me to open my mind to the idea, that I might not have the answers. Out of surrender I found an indescribable peace and in that peace I found a relationship with God. If you are new, you no longer need to feel alone, please keep coming back!


Member: Nola K.
Location: New Mexico
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 1:02:44 PM

Comments

Hi all, Nola here, recovering A. Good topic Gabrielle, I had a real ego problem until my sponsor pointed out that my best thinking and control got me to the rooms of AA. in other words I obviously had planned on being a drunk,cheat, liar, thief and a whore? In the 12x12 it say's the tree characteristics alcoholics have in common are; Self-centered, Childish and Grandiose I fit all those descriptions before I found the program, what has helped me get out of self is sponsoring and taking the message into the community ie; Jails and schools. Jail meetings are the best for teaching you-" but for the grace of God" and sponsoring keeps you working the steps always thanks for letting me share. Nola


Member: AZbill
Location: Sierra Vista, Arizona
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 3:20:30 PM

Comments

HI. Bill here alcoholic from Arizona. HI to Shawna. I thought I knew AZ. But you sent me to the map. Drop over to Eloy sometime and watch us fall out of airplanes. Alcolholic Skydivers boogie there every year. We have meetings. Cappuccino is on me.

All alcoholics are I Specialists. If you would think about it; one cannot be an alcoholic without being selfish and selfcentered. My drinking came first. Always. I spent about 80% of my salary (when I had a salary) on Booze. The other 20% I spent foolishly.

I retired from the Navy as early as possilble because the Navy was interfering with my drinking. Actually I escaped while I still had some stripes left. I trashed a wife and six daughters because they were interfering with my drinking. I wound up in the alleys and living in a chicken coop. Unbathed, unshaven, no clean clothes. No job. Nobody. Alone with me and my booze. But I came first. I had to come first. There was no one else.

That was what it was like. Now, what happened was, I came to these rooms. And one of the things I read early was. "....that any life run on self will can hardly be a success." I was convinced of that. Now how did I get out of self?

Iwas told to get a home group. I did and became a part of "WE". I am one of "US". As soon as I could I graduated from floor sweep and ash tray emptier to coffee maker. Then I chaired meetings on a regular basis. Then elected to office. Secretary, Treasurer, GSR. DCMC. Service is a part of the program. The three legacies of AA. Recovery, Unity, and Service.

There are other ways to get out of self. Working with another alcoholic. Bill Wilson once wrote that we should give back to the community what we took away. We can help others. Anyone. If you are having trouble finding someone who needs help, just turn the corner and look. There someone will be.

I am not alone anymore unless I want to be.

Thank you all for being here and being a part of my sobriety today...

Bill

az-bill@mindspring.com


Member: Like It Is!
Location: Around and about
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 3:39:20 PM

Comments

I don't think I'm anything great but my personal program suits me well in the moral scheme of things! I don't intentionally wrong anybody, but then again I don't forget long-standing hurts that have been thrown my way! And if it takes a thousand years I'll see them paid back to the two-faced hypocrites who smile in your face and stab you in the back! The more you try to help people in your own way the more you get of this I have found! Why? Because your way is out of tune with the two-faced backbiting hypocrites way of justifying everything and conciliating everybody! And if even the most degrading and intolerable scum agree with them, well they open wide their arms to welcome them into their portals of loathsome putridity!! Maybe I want too much in the wrong time, but that's the way it is with me! So I'll just steer clear of this human bacteria until their own infections devour them!!


Member: John Wesley
Location: Hymn 634,
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 6:08:07 PM

Comments

In deap distress, to God I poured my care and grief; To him I raised my mournful cry, And sought from him relief; I looked but found no friend to aid me in distress; All refuge failed and none vouchsafed To pity or redress; To God at length I cried, "Thou, Lord, my refuge art; My portion in the land of life, Til life itself depart. "Redeem my helpless soul, That I may praise thy name; So shall assembled saints with me Thy power and grace proclaim."


Member: angela
Location: australia
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 6:44:55 PM

Comments

my name is angela and i am an alcoholic. alcohol has helped me overcome many problems in my life and i have depended on it to get me through. but now 20 years latter, i have found that my life long friend is now starting to kill me. i have now got to let go of my ego and start to feel and to love without fear. it is not about me anymore, it is about me and god and letting him take control because i am tired of not being in control. the hardest thing to realise is that i have never been in control and i must get a new friend 'higher power'. may i have the strengh to carry this through.


Member: elaineb
Location: atlanta
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 7:49:15 PM

Comments

i am new to this group. i stopped drinking only yesterday, tried to attend my first meeting but traffic made me thirty minutes late so i find myself here. thank you for all of your comments. i find it somehow hard to even ask for help - is this my ego - i have truly lost everything the last couple of years of my drinking - family, money, respect - the list is even longer. i cant even imagine life sober but i hope to be in your recovery shoes soon. i am so used to drinking through everything it is difficult to imagine a weekend or holiday or even lately an evening without alcohol. looks like i must focus on the people who are still in my life instead of me.


Member: Angie A.
Location: Wisconsin
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 9:10:00 PM

Comments

Hi everyone. What a great topic! The self-will and surrendering issues have been EXTREMELY difficult for me. Five years ago, at the age of 36, I was finally on my own for the first time, out from under the thumb of a controlling father and then a controlling husband. I was ready to take the world by the tail. Finally, it was MY TURN to be in control. And boy, did I make up for lost time! And the harder I tried to control every tiny detail of my life on my own, the deeper and deeper the pit grew, until finally I was in a hole so deep, I didn't think I would ever find the way out. Alcohol would give me a brief time of relief, a few hours of feeling like I could beat down anything in my way, but instead the alcohol was gradually beating me to a pulp; my health, my finances, my relationships, etc. But I was not about to loosen my grip on the reins of my life. Finally, after 7 days of solid drinkng, almost losing my job, my kids, my freedom, etc., I was finally able to "let go and let God." What a heavy yoke has been lifted from me! I am still paying consequences for five years of chasing the bottle, financial and legal problems, etc. I now have to take responsibility for my actions and "pay the fiddler," but I pray every day for God's guidance and protection, and for Him to show me the right choices and solutions. Surrendering my life and my will over to God has given me the greatest freedom I have known in my whole life--the freedom to be healthy, happy, and sober. And what a wonderful world it is now that I am no longer isolated and hanging on for dear life to be in control, and instead have found this fellowship of friends who give so much of themselves to help a fellow sister with our disese of addiction. Thank-you all for sharing with me and allowing me to reach out to you. God Bless, Angie.


Member: J. Hamm
Location: Florida
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 10:20:36 PM

Comments

Having the courage to go thru the pain of detoxing and getting free of the disease.


Member: mike stuart
Location: new bern nc
Date: 3/19/2002
Time: 11:47:59 PM

Comments

hi mike stuart alcoholic shawna t. my hats off to you if you can stay sober on a rez are there meetings there where is the closest is there an a.a.er you can call keep posting and reading posts of others this is a really good site god bless you and keep the faith mms


Member: Jack B
Location: Palo Alto, Pa
Date: 3/20/2002
Time: 1:37:03 AM

Comments

Hi, I am Jack, a real alcohlic. There is an old expression, that we are all created in God's image. When I stopped trying to create God in my image life on God's terms became much easier. Thanks for a good topic, God Bless all.


Member: Linda M.
Location: Mis, Can.
Date: 3/20/2002
Time: 1:59:38 AM

Comments

I'm an alcoholic first and Linda second. Everyday,allday,the one true fact for me. Do unto others, walk a mile in my shoes--all I know.I must edit my speech because I cannot take back what I have said ever, it's all out there--what I need for freedom. My one wish for all is happy, joyous, continued sobriety with HP's help.


Member: Tom A. 7/25/60
Location: Carlisle, AR
Date: 3/20/2002
Time: 1:22:41 PM

Comments

Good Afternoon to everyone who has posted and read Staying Cyber's Discussion this week. Thank you Gabrielle for giving us our topic. My name is Tom Anderson, a grateful sober alcoholic today by the grace of a wonderful Higher Power and this fellowship we call A.A.

"Thinking I am number one, the all powerful controller?" I sometimnes wonder if we ever completely rid ourselves of this kind of thinking, but I can say that this program has changed my thinking in many ways. The three pertinent ideas in Chapter 5 of the big book have proven to be helpful when I discover this kind of thinking in my daily program. "(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. (b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. (c) That God could and would if He were sought" (Page 60). I beleive most if not all alcoholic's have a real bad case of "Big Shotism" and even when we get some sobriety behind us it tends to find it's way back into our daily life. For me that's what the topic is about and when I see it ugly head rising in my life it's time to get back to basics. Ask my Higher Power for help in the morning, try to do my Higher Powers will that day and then thank Her or Him at night for seeing me through another sober day. I have enjoyed the posts this week and so happy that we are trudging this road together. Love and prayers from an alky who cares.

God Bless - Tom Anderson, cte50203@centurytel.net


Member: Gina M
Location: MN
Date: 3/20/2002
Time: 2:34:48 PM

Comments

Hello everyone, I'm Gina and I'm an alcoholic. I'm new to this board and appreciate you all being here. My last drink was last night. My life is not out of control, but I know my drinking is. Rarely a day goes by that I don't drink. I don't spend all my money on liquor, I get up every morning and run my business, I take care of my husband and pets and home. Is this justification my "ego"? I don't think I have a big ego (although I do think I'm right about everything!). I have prayed for God to take the urge to drink away from me, and in the morning I'm motivated to follow through, but by the evening I cave in. How do you let go and let God?

Thanks.


Member: Danny F
Location: West Tennessee
Date: 3/20/2002
Time: 7:46:55 PM

Comments

I am Danny and I am a real alcoholic. I am about to finish an intensive outpatient program for drug and alcohol. I want to continue my AA meetings around here, (50 mile radius), but most AA people are serious smokers and I am a nonsmoker. I don't want to survive alcoholism and die of lung cancer in five years. Any suggestions?


Member: Fareedah
Location: California
Date: 3/20/2002
Time: 8:20:25 PM

Comments

Hi I'm Fareedah and I am an alcoholic. Great topic Gabrielle. Everytime I start to think I have "arrived", I take a trip out to the beach and try and walk on water. When I find that I still sink -- I intuitively know that I have not become God.

Thank goodness this program only ask for spiritual progress not that I have to become God.


Member: Ray C
Location: Haines  Alaska
Date: 3/21/2002
Time: 12:14:34 AM

Comments

I'm Ray an alcoholic...Good topic for me because where I use to have a drinking problem,today it's been replaced by a thinking problem.I thank my HP and people like you on this site,sometimes one and the same for helping me control my thinking.I got to admit I do need to be reminded of just what I am at times and the only medicine I get for my ailing mind are these meetings both on an off line.Thank you all for taking the time to post your thoughts they've helped this alkie through another 24 hours...jn I believe theres a links page on this site if you require more meetings,I've found this one to be one of the best. Danny you might try looking up A.A. in your local phone book and asking there about nonsmoking meetings,I believe most areas have some...Peace Y'all


Member: Susan S.
Location: Rochester, New York
Date: 3/21/2002
Time: 4:20:47 AM

Comments

I want to give a big cyber hug to Elaineb in Atlanta (okay, cybers hugs for all of you, too). Elaine did not leave an email address so I could reach out to her privately. There is a great daily AA meeting on Piedmont in Atlanta, Elaine. I went there when I was visiting grandbaby. Please go to meetings, and you will never be alone again. You have heard people say that they let go of self and became "we" in AA. Meetings always help to chip away at my selfish ego. I only have nine months in AA. If you are afraid, remember everybody started with being sober ONE day. Really, all of us only have one day, today. And a big thank you to everyone who has posted and shared.


Member: Gary
Location: Florida
Date: 3/21/2002
Time: 11:15:55 AM

Comments

Hi everyone - This is my first step into AA our anything associated with it. I just know that I have no control over my drinking and it is killing my life. I want to stop and I'm just looking for some help on getting on the right path.


Member: Molly
Location: South Wales
Date: 3/21/2002
Time: 12:06:08 PM

Comments

Hello my name is Molly and I am an alcoholic. I am going though an extremely hard time at present a lot of it of my own making as being sober has taught me one thing cant escape that the problems usually stem from me and my insecurities. I love AA and love being sober yet today even though I do the things I have been taught in AA one foot in front of the other put in action I cant escape the underlying fear and anger that is slowing tearing my life apart. Well my relationship with my husband really. The world revolves around me self centered fear I suppose that is relevant to me. I suppose if I am honest I feel special and different to you all and yet I thought I'd got over that. Been through the steps worked real hard on my recovery have been given so much my life has changed so very much I have risen from the gutter literally and been given a second chance but my problem is I am slowing destroying it. I went on online as I sat here and asked God to help me help myself. Who do I tell yes I have a sponsor but how can I call her and go on about all the stuff that I realise its going on with me. I want to love my husband but cannot I cannot let go of my anger and fear and trust him even though he is a good man really. Want to love him but am too afraid to. Realise am full of anger and resentment.

I am ill and have recently had to give up work to take medication for the disease I have the I could blame the drugs that I have to inject and take orally certainly they cause me to be pretty ill and bad tempered but they are not wholly to blame all they do is make the underlying anger much much worse. There are so many reasons why he will leave me which I will not go into now and because of this fear I cannot love. I thought I had gone through all of this in my step 5 and I did but I realise this is ruining my life. Older than him cant have kids ill cant work have to depend on him why does he stay the self pity is immense and I try so hard to do the opposite but it does not go. Its sickening to hear myself really. I have always made people go because I am too afraid to love to trust. I could blame it on the fact that when I have they have abused me anyway. I've always gone for the violent ones so that I can cry for myself. I know this is probably not appropriate to write this in a meeting I would never share this in a meeting openly only on a one to one but I suppose I am desperate today. So sorry for the newcomers sobriety is wonderful but it also means you have to face yourself and at present I am not finding this too good. The good think is I dont want to be like this anymore I want to be able to love I dont want to hurt. Dont get me wrong I have come so far but not far enough. The price I am paying for my defects now is high. I sat here and wondered are there other alcoholics who relate to me or is it just me. So I suppose when you look at what I am doing to my marriage you could say its about my ego to


Member: Chris H.
Location: Fla.
Date: 3/21/2002
Time: 3:17:53 PM

Comments

Chris Here --Alcoholic/addict/bulimic///Ego---what a great topic....WhenI came into the rooms...I thought that I was the humblest of people...boy, have I learned different!I like what others have said about the balance. I thought I was humble because I didn't think much of my self....but now I see that that was a subtle form of ego.I am pretty unable to handle constructive criticism, and until recently didn't realize that that was because I had a big ego. HOW dare anyone tell me that I have a problem...I am so good and I work so hard on myself(HA!)!! I have been shot down recently and my H.P., in HIs graciouness, has gently shown me that my pride is the reason that I cannot stand for anyone to show me my faults. I have realized that it is O.K> to have character defects , and that we can work to change them throught working the steps.Step 10 has shown me that when I am shown my character defects, I don't have to get stuck in pride and depression--- I can ask for God's forgiveness and move on to changing these problems.


Member: Kathy N                  
Location: Sunshine  State
Date: 3/21/2002
Time: 5:31:41 PM

Comments

I'm Kathy Alcholic. I'm also a disable cronic pain unhealty person. I want Molly to know that you are not alone. I became disabled in 1986 and got sober in 1988 and it wasn't easy I have had a lot of physical illness and surgerys in recovery. When I got hear I loved self pity but today it a rare occation that I get back into it. I believe that self pity is the highest form of EGO.. I have found that thru the years I've seen many of my friends go thru things I was thankful I didn't have to go thru. A lady in my ladies meeting always says to make a graditude list. She is so right its hard to feel bad for yourself when you are greatful for the things you have. I appreciate the pain because it is an indicator that I have done too much. I'm greatful for every thing God gives me because it continues to help me grown up and realize that I' really only a piece of sand in the great wide ocean and I also try to talk to someone who is having a hard time it helps puts things right size. When I think about my problems they grow when I think about others I forget about my problems. I wish you love and Gods Blessing. Don't self sabitage. Kathy


Member: Jan R
Location: Canada
Date: 3/21/2002
Time: 6:47:09 PM

Comments

Hi, this is my first time in Cyber space but I have to admit, I love it! Due to my working hours I am unable to get to enough mettings to keep me "sane" so this is just the ticket. What I have read here has given me exactly the kind of A.A I would have gotten from my home group.For all of you out there reaching out for some support, I highly recomend going to a real live meeting, or in case you can't get out for that , pick up the phone! We all have choices! We all have support if we will only open our minds and hearts to others just like us and our HP.God Bless all of you who have submitted something and I will be back for some more great A.A. After 12 years sobriety I still need some honest talk to keep my head out of the clouds.Thank you! Jan R.


Member: Brad M.
Location: Dresden,Ontario Canada
Date: 3/21/2002
Time: 9:15:12 PM

Comments

My name is Brad,and I find that my problem most of the time is me.When I was practicing I felt as though I could walk on water eat bullets and crap ice cream.After a while in the program I found out that I was nothing but a small fish in a very big pond.I know today that if I let God drive and get out of the way things in my life just work out.But I still think at times that I can take over and all will be better,master of my own destiny.Then a rude awakening happens and I find my self up to my butt in aligators.Then I again have to examine and practise the 3rd step all over again.I have a close friend who tells me on a regular basis that if you do the 3rd step right that the rest of your life is none of your bussiness.God's will be done not mine.


Member: Phoenix
Location:
Date: 3/22/2002
Time: 4:23:48 AM

Comments

Molly, you've got to peel away those layers of guilt. Whatever it is that you've done, it is nothing that you can't be forgiven for. Believe in God, Molly, no matter what anyone tells you. Believe in a loving God who would never want you to feel this way. The myth is that we must suffer for our sins. Why would a God who loves us want us to suffer? Forgive yourself, Molly. God is as close to you as your heart. Start to believe it and you'll start to love.


Member: Tessa W
Location: Amarillo, Texas
Date: 3/22/2002
Time: 1:53:01 PM

Comments

Wow! Talk about self will run riot. I am on my fourth step and wow am i a selfish person. I never realized me part in anything. I have been sober four months and am still very stingy, especially with my recovery (which is a good thing) Oh, by the way, tessa, alcoholic and proud of it. would not ask god to change my past. I have found more wonderful friends in aa than i have had my whole life.


Member: dan b.
Location: chicago ill.
Date: 3/22/2002
Time: 5:31:16 PM

Comments

hi everyonemy name is dan b. alcoholic.

my sponser allways reminds me i`m just a bebe in a box car.he reminds me often because i seem to pick up self will often.when i finally let go and let GOD things seem to go allot better.


Member: Jason
Location: Missouri
Date: 3/22/2002
Time: 6:36:22 PM

Comments

Hi my name is Jason and I am a greatful recovering alcohlic. This is for Gary from Florida. I would suggest that you get to a live meeting in your area. Just look in the phone book. AA is a great program and can help you turn your life around. We are not bad people getting better, we are sick people getting well. The program is not just about not drinking, but a program that teach you how to live as a productive member of society. Give it a chance and it can work if you want and are willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. Keep and open mind and always remain teachable.


Member: Bob B
Location: Wi
Date: 3/22/2002
Time: 9:58:48 PM

Comments

Bob B. addict/alcoholic. Grateful to be here and I'm grateful to have gained some degree of humility through working the steps. I am my own worst enemy. Nothing and nobody can screw up my day like I can. I am exactly where I should be at an given moment, whether I know it or not. My Higher Power is there to help me, if I take a minute to ask for it. Don't drink and go to meetings.


Member: Lessa E
Location: Chicago
Date: 3/22/2002
Time: 11:17:16 PM

Comments

Lessa E here, grateful recovering alcoholic. Thanks for a great topic Gabrielle! Very timely. And there have been some powerful shares here - I needed to hear each and every one.

It was only after my last relapse, where total humiliation resulted in this drunk's huge ego finally being toppled, that I was able to learn some badly needed lessons in humility. Then, and only then, was I able to work this program honestly and with no reservations. And, once the blinders came off, I saw just how little control I really had over people, places and things. And, how turning my will and life over to the care of my HP, whom I choose to call God, was the only way I could gain any semblance of serenity.

Today, inevitably when my life seems unmanageable, it's a result of failing to turn things over and leave them in God's hands.

I'm very thankful I got a chance to come back to the tables. Thanks for letting me share.

lessa_e@hotmail.com


Member: Randy
Location: Michigan
Date: 3/23/2002
Time: 12:38:02 AM

Comments

Please Hear What Iím Not Saying

Donít be fooled by me, Donít be fooled by the face I wear, For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, Masks that Iím afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that Ďs second nature with me, But donít be fooled, for Godís sake donít be fooled. I give you the impression that Iím secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, That confidence is my name and coolness is my game, That the waterís calm and Iím command, and that I need no one. But donít believe me. Please.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. My forever varying and forever concealed mask. Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this I donít want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. Thatís why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated faÁade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation. And I know it.

That is if itís followed by acceptance, if itís followed by love. Itís the only thing that can liberate me from myself. From my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. Itís the only thing that will assure me of what I canít assure myself, that Iím really worth something. But I donít tell you this I donít dare. Iím afraid to. Iím afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. Iím afraid you will think less of me, that you will laugh, and your laugh would kill me. Iím afraid that deep down Iím nothing, that Iím just no good, and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game, with a faÁade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks. the glittering, empty parade of masks. And my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything thatís really nothing, and nothing of whatís everything, of whatís crying within me. So when I go through my routine do not be fooled by what Iím saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what Iím not saying, to what I canít say. I dislike hiding. Honestly.

I dislike the superficial game Iím playing, the superficial pony game. Iíd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me, but youíve got to help me. Youíve got to hold out your hand, even when thatís the last thing I seem to want, or need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time your kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wingsÖ With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, you can breath life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator of the person that is I if you choose to. Please choose to.

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison. So do not pass me by. Please do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. Itís irrational but despite what the books say about man, I am irrational.

I FIGHT AGAINST THE VERY THING THAT I CRY OUT FOR. BUT I AM TOLD THAT LOVE IS STRONGER THATN STRONG WALLS, AND IN THIS LIES MY HOPE. MY ONLY HOPE. PLEASE TRY TO BEAT DOWN THOSE WALLS WITH FIRM HANDS, BUT WITH GENTLE HANDS-FOR A CHILD IS VERY SENSITIVE. WHO AM I, YOU MAY WONDER? I AM SOMEONE YOU KNOW VERY WELL. FOR I AM EVERY MAN YOU MEET AND EVERY WOMEAN YOU MEET.

Compare to ROMANS 7: 14-25


Member: Virginia
Location: Oklahoma
Date: 3/23/2002
Time: 1:29:16 AM

Comments

Virginia here and I'm an alcoholic...

This program has given me so much. Here is one...I am equal to everybody on the face of God's earth. Not better than or less than but EQUAL to.

I didn't know that when I first came to AA and considered others ABOVE me. Anybody else here go around with their head down all the time? I found lots of money and cigarette butts that way but honest to God I didn't think I had the right to even be on the road if others were there and this was in Los Angeles! Geeezz (One of my friends still teases me about that one).

I rarely looked anybody in the eye and laughed a lot out of fear. Once in AA early on I laughed when a gal was telling me about somebody close to her that had died, not because of what she said, but because I really wasn't listening at the time. I had my own agenda going on in my head.

My sponsor tried to get me to see that it was EGO and self-centeredness but I had a thick head and it took awhile. She hammered away with the Big Book day in and day out. I had all the *self* traits; self-centeredness, self-consciousness, self-pity etc. and secretly considered my self a very generous person. What a lie that was!

Anyway, on page 62 of the BB it says that "Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help".

I ain't pure yet by any means and still have to consciously work on getting out of myself by making phone calls, writing letters, helping in the meetings, staying on the Board of an emergency assistance center even though I want to quit each month when I have to go to the meeting forgetting that God placed me there after I prayed for something to do that would help my fellowman.

Back to square one...do at least 3 things for others daily without anybody knowing about it or else it doesn't count. (talking to myself here)

Thanks for being here tonight, great topic!


Member: DB
Location: KC
Date: 3/23/2002
Time: 4:19:38 AM

Comments

My name is David I am alcoholic. Being number one is a great topic, I always want to be the best and that is my ego, I have not learned enough about being number one because i is still there it is when i leaves me and i become number zero and then humility is in full force, May the real self show itself so then I cam put you first.


Member: Rich R
Location: Detroit
Date: 3/23/2002
Time: 8:18:53 AM

Comments

"What are your feelings on number one today?"

"Before we came to OA and began discussing our experiences honestly with other compulsive overeaters, we didn't realize how much we had damaged ourselves and others by attempting to manage every detail of life. It was only after we began to recover that we saw the childish self-centeredness of our willful actions. By trying to control others through manipulation and direct force, we had hurt our loved ones. When we tried to control ourselves, we wound up demoralized. Even when we succeeded, it wasn't enough to make us happy." ... OA 12&12, step 1

Thanks Gabrielle for the topic and a chance to share. I still love what I heard early on at an AA first step table: I am NOT powerless over _____ (UNLESS I pick it up) and my life is NOT unmanageable (UNLESS I try to control it).

Rich R, alcoholic ... and many other things :-)


Member: Da
Location:
Date: 3/23/2002
Time: 10:55:31 AM

Comments

Hi I'm Dan, an alcoholic.I am one of those people who after years of demoralization,fear and all sorts of alcoholic insanity believes that I am powerless over alcohol.I believe I needed every drink that I took.I'll never know why it took me so many years of in and out.I just know that today I am living a sane and healthy life thanks to AA.I saw one coment posted regarding general powerlessness.I know I cannot drink or take dope succesfully but I also believe I am not a feather blowing in the wind.We can all make choices that effect our lives and the lives of others for the better or worse.I don't buy this "powerless over people, places and things", what is that supposed to mean anyway? That I have zero choice in how I percieve and effect the world around me.God gave us all a brain to use. Have a great sober day.Thanks.


Member: Dave S.
Location: MI
Date: 3/23/2002
Time: 1:50:23 PM

Comments

HI I'm Dave and a recovering drunk. I am sorry to say that I haven't been to a meeting in over 2 years but I am very thankful to my friend Kathy S. for pointing me to this site. Being sober for over 14 years (and not being at meetings) I feel that I have to get back to listening to the experiences of fellow alcocolics. I have absolutly no desire to drink. The obsession is gone but that's NO excuse for me not to share and listen. Sure I get urges now and then but I have to remember what it was REALLY like for me out there. And it scares the heck out of me. It hasn't been an easy 14 years in fact I'm going through a tough time of it now. I am afraid of change which stems from my drinking days. I have always been a kind of introvert. There are many things I would and want to so but that fear stops me in my tracks. I got myself into such a comfort zone that for me it's almost impossible for me to get out of. I lay in bed at night and tell myself and GOD that I am going to do what it takes to get out of that comfort zone but whhen I wake up that fear takes over and I get nothing accomplished. Can someone give me a hand with this. I am 46 years old and I need to change my way of thinking. I thank you all very much and for this room!!!


Member: Kevin M.
Location: B. Ohio
Date: 3/23/2002
Time: 5:01:19 PM

Comments

I was not very spiritual when I first started coming to meetings. I heard someone say in a lead "the only thing you need to know about God right now is that you are not him". Humility is our backbone, God is our direction" G-O-D = Good Orderly Direction. Or HP - God which ever you prefer. Self and my best thinking got me here. So I think I will listen to others I trust. Thank you all for taking the time to have this meeting.


Member: Jim S.
Location: Brazil
Date: 3/23/2002
Time: 7:23:47 PM

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Hi all, I'm Jim, an alcoholic! I've been on and off more times than I can remember for the last 10 years, all due to my ego. I've been sober this time for 5 days, gotten very humble and can see it all starting over again. 5 days ago I was a miserable, blithering case. I live in Brazil, but work in eastern India, and had just flown, with the help of vodka and pills, from work to home, vowing never to return to booze or India. I was ready to quite my job of 22 years, because I couldn't find a meeting in India. Truth is, I didn't even try. Well, with some gentle pushing from my home group, I got on the web and within 10 minutes found a meeting close to the job site in India. By close by, I mean a 6 hour train ride, so I can make it once a week. Dosen't even need to be in English. The Rooms are the same all over the world! Then I found this web site. Then I got a job offer to work here in Brazil! So of course, "I" did all that. I must be pretty good. I can feel it all going to my head right now.....but then my 15 yr old kid says, Pop, I love AA because of how there're helping you. So I'm still here, doing it one baby step at a time. Thanks!


Member: Todd D.
Location: Park City UT
Date: 3/23/2002
Time: 9:11:18 PM

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Todd alcoholic. I like the topic. It's not very often that I share on this board but Jim S. said something that hit home. I have traveled and worked in many places on this planet. Most of them are very remote. I have been drunk and sober at them. Many of them have been "dry camp" jobs and the raging alcoholic in me nearly tore me apart. Since joining AA 3 years ago, life in these places has been much more pleasent. Meetings are mostly not available but I thank God for the internet and cyber meetings like this.

I am just coming off a stint of feeling I a am the center of the universe. I fell back in the old alcoholic way of thinking. I took about a month "vacation" from gong to meeting because many of the olympic venues were being held in my town and I am not a very good crowd person. The result was that I let my program slip. I began skipping praying, reading and medition because "I" was to busy and could hold out on my own. I didn't even visit this site because it is something I normaly don't do when I am home. The result was nil. I could see myself heading back down the road to that first drink as well as installing myself in a dry drunk. The anger, fear, anxiety and all the things the promise said would go away were all coming back. Again the only thing I had to change was everything. I basicly started over again but without the drunk. It amazed me how close to the surface all the bad things were after only a short break from AA. EGO to me is a very deadly thing and can lead to my own self destruction unless it is kept in check. Thank God there is a solution. Prayer, meditation, going to meetings both cyber and rw, reading, working with others, the 12 steps and the fellowship.

Thanks for being here.


Member: Charlie Darling
Location: Key West, FL
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 7:07:11 AM

Comments

Hi Family, Charlie Darling a very grateful recovering Alcholic. I don't know if it is ready for another topic yet, but Mine is gratitude, as I have been sober now just over 5 years, and I am so gratful that I can be present for my family. My sister has just had an operation for colon cancer, and last year she had cancer of the uteris, so she is going through a rough time, and now she has 25 weeks of kemo, but at least I amhere where we can talk, and I can be here with the support of others who have gone before her, and have had great ESH fom all my family members her, and I know if I had continued to drink I would not be able to give her the support that she needs right now, and to be present for her. I also received a phone call telling me a niece of mine tried to commit sucide, and that hurt, as she is a strong person, and very beautiful, but something must have snapped in her, and at least today I can be gratful that I can be Present in all affairs, and be able to have a clear mind, and heart to let my bialogical family know I am present for them not like before. I am so gratful I am not drinking as I know not what I would do when all this has come up, and gratitude todayhelps me to live the way my HP wants me to live, and A Gratful Heart is a Sober heart, and I can't thank the rooms of AA enough for giving me a life that I can be gratful for instead of the poor mes. Love you all Charlie


Member: mary
Location: vermont
Date: 3/24/2002
Time: 11:06:26 AM

Comments

this is a really good topic..ty for topic..read recently that we are all with all things connected and what ones actions or inactions are effects everything else and everyone else that knows us in one way or another..i know for myself that if i am just one by myself and not amongst others i am not whole..i being outside of self and amongst all people truly enjoy and love life..isolation is a tragedy and as a friend told me the other day..the drinking etc. without help and other people/things is a waste of life..that was my best friend being very honest.i need to daily reach out to God or HP and look at life thru his being and whats needed for me each day-moment.its too easy to want to give up on something or issue and drink and be depressed.that road goes no where and just gets worse as is progressive.Even when say the word "We" sounds better then I..also lonliness can be a buster..I know I need everyone and things are much better.Ego is a big one and one I need to keep aware of to ask self Why am I doing this and for what purpose and what effect it has on me.i had started drinking again and am fighting it to move onto a higher purpose and get life on track again..i pray for everyone here and thks for being here and being honest..luv,peace,light..one day at a time