Member: Ann
Location: Midwest
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 12:10:24

Comments

I would like to discuss how the alcoholic effects his or her spouse and what does the alcoholic expect to gain by abusing verbally the spouse and laying guilt trips. And I would like to know how the non-alcoholic spouse should cope with the roller coaster relationship Step one sounds like a good focus to me but the day to day events are very hard to understand and bear.


Member: John M
Location: California
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 12:13:49

Comments

My name is John and I am an alcoholic. From reading this site for the last few weeks I noticed how many newcomers visit here and so I thought "getting started in AA" would be a good topic. It took me a full year (three months of meetings and 9 months more drinking) to understand what my problem was and how AA could help me. I'm glad the same people were there to welcome me back and ask if I was ready yet.


Member: Dennis
Location: MD
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 13:09:39

Comments

Hi, my bame is Dennis and I am an alcoholic. I've never been here before. I have been off alcohol for 12 years and feel better than I ever have.


Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 13:30:46

Comments

Larry, alcoholic

Hmmmm...2 topic suggestions posted almost simultaneously - what to do? I'll try to incorporate the spousal abuse with my start in AA. My "bottom" occurred when my wife called the police and asked them to stand guard while she took our 2 kids and left. She believed I was going to hurt her, a reasonable assumption being that I had just trashed the living room and was threatening to kill her. I moved out of the house the next day and went to a psychiatrist. I suspected that I had an alcohol problem, but wasn't convinced I was an alcoholic. I thought that perhaps I had a "mild" form of alcoholism since I had a good job, paid the bills, didn't drink everyday, didn't drive drunk and so forth. My "role model" alcoholic was my father, an everyday binge drinker who eventually ended up living on the streets and dying there of cirrhosis. I liked to think of myself as an "alcohol abuser". I thought my "real" problem was a lack of self-discipline and willpower, probably due to emotional problems stemming from my screwed up childhood. Well the shrink practically threw me out of his office! He said he couldn't help me, that he'd be practically stealing my money. He diagnosed me with alcoholism, but he did it dispassionately. He didn't blame me, criticize me, judge me, or guilt-trip me. Just gave me the cold, hard facts and recommended I go to a treatment center or AA. Because he didn't attack me, I couldn't really get defensive and so was forced to look at my situation objectively. It was at that point that I was able to admit I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable, and that I was responsible for doing something about it. So I went to AA and haven't had a drink since - over 9 yrs. I have not been a model AA by any means, but just the willingness to try it was enough.

I verbally abused my wife terribly during our marriage. I think the abuse was caused by all the anger, rage, guilt, shame, and resentments I was carrying around for my entire life. She was trying to come between me and my alcohol, a dangerous place to be! Her presence was just a reminder of how guilty and ashamed I was of my behavior, so I struck out at her in anger. It was easier to do that than face myself. My 4th/5th Steps helped me to get rid of most of that stuff and my behavior changed dramatically. But the story doesn't end there...

The question Ann poses about how the non-alcoholic spouse should deal with the situation is perhaps better left to the Al-Anons, but I can share a something on that. My wife's criticism, screaming, blaming, etc. didn't do anything to help the situation. It only hurt her. Of course, she wasn't at fault, she just didn't know how to handle an active drunk. We're tough to deal with. The thing she finally did to help herself - leaving me - was the thing that actually helped me the most too. The pain of losing my family was enough to wake me up about my alcohol problem and beat me into a state of willingness to do something about it. We reconciled shortly after I committed myself to recovery - in fact she accompanied me to my first AA meeting. Unfortunately, she had become addicted to drugs about a year before I stopped drinking and was able to keep it a secret for years (think I was a bit self-centered, even after I stopped drinking?). So eventually the tables were turned in an ironic case of role reversal. I was the one who would get upset with her behavior, criticize her, judge her, blame her, etc., figuring I could get her to stop using by the sheer force of my will. I thought I could just badger her into submission. Wrong. Through working my program real hard I was able to let go of most of that. I was able to stop acting the codependent and detach from her addiction. She eventually did go into treatment (I accompanied her to her first NA meeting) but only half-heartedly, choosing the easier, softer way. I stayed with her for a few more years, out of a combination of fearing divorce (we had been married over 20 years), guilt over how I had treated her, and feeling that I owed her the amends of sticking with her as she had stuck with me during my active years and early recovery. Unfortunately, her behavior just continued to worsen and eventually I had to divorce her to protect myself and our children. I still remain in fairly close contact with her - we share custody of our 13YO son - and help her out financially and in other ways. I try to draw the fine line between helping her and enabling her. It's hard. Since I'm concerned about her influence on our son, but don't want to get caught up in more codependent behavior, I've learned to keep my eyes open and my mouth shut where it concerns her behavior. I maintain a daily presence in my son's life so that I can act when and if necessary.

The story doesn't have a "happy" ending, not yet anyway. As my first sponsor told me when I had just finished my 5th step and was vainly looking to him for advice on how to solve all my problems: "There are some problems for which there are no solutions. They just have to be accepted." The day I'll have no more problems will be the day they put me in the ground.

Peace & Serenity


Member: Robert N
Location: Ca
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 13:45:37

Comments

Hi Robert alcoholic. First subject.. My belief is it's all about control. Maybe you should check out Al-Anon. Second subject...I think every alcoholic must find his/her bottom first. For me, that was alot. I had to admit that my thinking wasn't working. Until I could admit complete defeat, my ego and my pride would not let me take suggestions. Until I felt demoralized enough to reach out and ask for help, I could not get sober. Getting a sponsor and working the steps and taking suggestions has given me a life I never had. I have found peace and happiness in AA. Keep coming back. Robert


Member: Paul
Location: England
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 14:24:30

Comments

I've verbally abused my partner on several occasions, accusing her of having affairs & not being a good mother to my children. None of these accusations are justified.

"You always hurt the one you love"... Was this written by a drunk?

I feel shame & guilt for the things I've said, particularly in front of my kids...

I'm trying to put things right now. I believe that the verbal attacks were really my inner self abusing my soul mate, in order to vent my anger at me.. Does that sound stupid?

Coming to AA..

Just keep coming. Thats what I do, One day at a time.


Member: Joan W
Location: Upstate NY
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 14:29:49

Comments

Hi Everyone,

I am an alcoholic, my name is Joan.

Great share, Larry, as usual. I can only speak for myself, but I hated myself, and what I was doing to those I loved while I was drinking alcoholically. My thinking was totally irrational. I really had myself convinced that if they (my husband and children) pick one: loved me more, did what I wanted, were more understanding, treated me with more respect (yeah I really deserved that) helped me more.....that I would stop drinking. WRONG!!! I had to get sober before I could honestly look at what was going on, with me and in my relationships. Blaming them for my pain was just an excuse to keep doing what I was doing.

((Ann)), I think the best thing you can do for yourself is contact AlAnon. It is for people whose lives are affected by someone else's drinking. There is probably a listing in your phone book, and if you give them a call they can tell you of nearby meetings, and answer any questions you may have. They will help you sort out your feelings and teach you about the damage done by enabling an active alcoholic.

When my husband decided he was not going to enable my behavior any more, and seriously threatened me with divorce, I finally got the message. I was really blessed, because statistics show that 8 out of 10 husbands leave an alcoholic wife, while 8 out of 10 wives remain with their alcoholic spouses. I will pray for you; You must be as angry and confused as my loved ones were.

For any newcomers who pass through this site this week, ((welcome)). The first two things I heard in AA were: 'You never HAVE to drink again', and 'you never HAVE to be alone again'. And, they were oh so right. It is suggested that newcomers attend lots of face to face meetings (Stayingcyber is an addendum, rather than an alternative), get a sponsor and get ready for the most wonderful journey of your life. We only stay sober a day at a time, and if in any given day I do not pick up the first drink, I won't get drunk.

Please, God, Bless us every one.

Love, Joan


Member: Bob G
Location: North Jersey
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 14:39:19

Comments

Hi Bob alcohoilc , most new members in early sobriety are still being pulled by the disease toward another drink and consequently can take the anger out on their spouses and friends I know I did The best the spouse can do is either try and ride it out, or seek help through our other twelve step program or try counseling. I went trough early sobriety with a big chip on my shoulder , primarily because I still wanted to drink. Remember there are no easy answers give time, time!!!!


Member: NICK.S5/15/84
Location: OCEANCITYN.J.
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 14:40:28

Comments

i'manalcoholicnamednick.iamremindedofwhatdr.bobtoldbillwilsonbeforehepassedontobe
intheaa
heavenwhenhesaidtobill
.'LET'SNOTLOUSETHISTHINGUPLBILL.LET'SKEEPITSIMPLE'.thetopicannbring
supismostdefinatelyfor
ALANONandidon'tknowifalanonhasasitebutthistomeisnotatopicforAAespeciallyifalotof
newcomersareusingthissitefor
fellowship.istillbelieveintheoldwayfornewcomers,thatbeingwhati
wastoldbackinthe80'swhenigotsobertobringthebodyandyhemindwillfollowtotheroomsof
aaforfacetoface,eyetoeyemeetings.
meetingslikethisarenotgoingtokeepyousoberasmuchasarealaameetinghasforover55yearsi
ntheroomsof
ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUSwhereyouhaveagroupofdrunks[G.O.D.]lettinggoand
lettingour
HIGHERPOWERspeakthroughusashedoesandalwayswill.don'tforgettheSERENITY
PRAYER
andwhatissaidinit.
GODGRANTMETESERENITYTOACCEPTTHETHINGSICANNOTCHANGE,
COURAGETOCHANGE
THETHINGSICANANDTEWISDOMTOKNOWTHEDIFFERENCE.


Member: neal m
Location: Malaysia
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 14:47:34

Comments

jeezus--i thought i'd gotten away from "relationship meetings" when i quit hanging around clubs ha ha. the best solution has already been given--Alanon. i have been sober a few 24s and the only thing that works for me is to stay away from relationships. easier said then done, but works for me. as for getting started in AA, a childhood friend took me to my first meeting and then i went to a meeting EVERY day for the first year. i did not work "the program" but being surrounded by program people on an everyday basis kept me off the booze till i was ready to get off my dead ass (on fire) and get a sponser, a GREAT home group and let these people really get to know me so they could call me on my bullshit and get me working the steps. Although i tend to drift away from meetings from time to time this program has worked for me for almost 15 years. thanks for letting me share and thanks for this sight when i'm too busy (lazy) to go to f2f meetings. Newcomers--PLEASE go to f2f meetings so you can start to learn how to live. i'm glad there was no cyber AA when i first came around, but i'm sure glad it's here now. neal3@erols.com


Member: Sandra P.
Location:
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 14:59:50

Comments

As has already been said, Al-Anon is the best place to to go for answers on the first topic. I verbally abused my husband to get even for the way he made me feel, or so I thought. But it was really me I was trying to get even with. In the last 15 years I've found that meetings and Service work are the way for me. Just keep coming & the answers you're looking for will eventually come


Member: Jean-Claude T.
Location: Belgium
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 15:00:59

Comments

Hi, My name is JC and Im an alcoholic. It's the first time I'm connecting on this site, but it won't be the last, if the world is still there tomorrow. About the first topic I'd like to say that my wife and kids were perfects alibis for me to have a couple more drinks. I usually tried to get mad with them on whatever topic we were discussing. When they said black, I said white, the discussion became hot and I was leaving the room, slamming the door and had the right, to calme my nerves, to get a few drinks more. That's the way I used to culpabilize them with my drinkin'. That's why now, after 10 years of sobriety, I still must beware of aguments with my family. Alcohol is there no more, but the mechanisms I've used for years, during my drinking period, are still there if I don't take care, if I don't live the program, if I don't practise the 4th Step. 'cause now, when I have an argument with my old lady, it happens less and less often (thank God), I canalways slam the door and leave the room, but I can no more drink a few more, 'cause I decided one day, with your help and support, to leave the alcohol aside one day at a time. So, I can feel terribly bad, and terribly guilty now, 'cause anger and resentment towards my family is not worth from the good AA member I figure I could be (always a little pride maybe). Thanks to you all.


Member: George T.
Location: Michigan
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 15:33:42

Comments

I'm George. I'm an alcoholic. My wife is a good topic for today. I've just gotten up from a bout with the flu. It was horrible. In fact, since I have only been sober about 10 months,it is the first time I've had to deal with it without whiskey. That alcohol sure does ease the pain,if not the dehydration. Any way I'm glad I did not drink.

I have tried to get my spouse to go to Al-Anon meetings, but she won't go, so my life is just as miserable as if I hadn't stopped drinking. She feels that now that I'm sober she has a chance to get even. She use to tell me on the mornings after, that the reason she didn't say anything while I was drunk was that she was waiting for me to have a hangover to make the screaming more effective. My state sponsered counseler said she liked my wife's approach. This self inflicted hell does not help my attitude and I long for an escape. I go to meetings every day, sometimes, just to get away from her, by saying how much good they do me. And they do, there is no doubt about that.

Little by little I am learning how to deal with her and my character defects; many of which led me to drink. I am thankful that I am sober and thankful that I can express my feelings to you and at face to face meetings. Without you I would be lost and alone . God Bless you all.


Member: Dorrie E.  
Location: NY State
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 16:32:47

Comments

Every alcoholic reaches out and touches at least five other lives. In my case, my husband was the one who received the most verbal abuse. I never would have known this without an open mind,listen ing at meetings and honestly relating. Fortunately ly I have made amends and continue to do so one day at a time for 22 years. I think my husband is as grateful as I am to have found this way of life.I plan to keep doing what I'm doing and live happily ever after. I wish you all the same blessings.


Member: linda Y
Location: montreal
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 16:59:10

Comments

hi, my name is linda i am an alcoholic, in a strange way i glad i'm an alcoholic because i've found myself through "AA". my boyfriend and i both drank for 8 years together we verbally abussed eachother continuouslly. we havent been drinking since Oct 97,its odd since then no more abuse! They say alcohol is cunning and baffeling HOW TRUE! Im glad i'm sober and every morning i thank God to be alive and to have given me this chance. thank you ,first time here,have a good 24 hours


Member: linda Y
Location: montreal
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 17:01:25

Comments

hi, my name is linda i am an alcoholic, in a strange way i glad i'm an alcoholic because i've found myself through "AA". my boyfriend and i both drank for 8 years together we verbally abussed eachother continuouslly. we havent been drinking since Oct 97,its odd since then no more abuse! They say alcohol is cunning and baffeling HOW TRUE! Im glad i'm sober and every morning i thank God to be alive and to have given me this chance. thank you ,first time here,have a good 24 hours


Member: Jim H
Location: Lebanon PA
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 17:19:48

Comments

There is only two ways to get away from an abusive relationship with an alcoholc. One the alcoholic sobers up.Two, the spouse must leave if # One doesn't occcure. If your spouse wants to stay sober SUGGEST AA as a way to acheive this. But you must take care of your self no matter what the alcoholic decides. Try Al-non. That program is based on the 12 steps of A>A. And believe me, it has saved the lives of millions. Good luck Ann and keep coming back. I'm not abusing my self or my wife today because I'm sober.And for that I thank all of you in AA, because I CAN"T stay sober on my own.I need you all


Member: Kim D
Location:
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 17:37:00

Comments

Hi I'm Kim D and I'm an Alcoholic.

My husband and I drank together and were both abusive to one another is different way. He would tell me how wrong I was about everything and I would cry, not talk to him for days and slam every door in the house. It was bad for all of us. Once we both got sober, gradually we stopped behaving so insanely. We both know what it is to make amends. AA and Alanon have together saved our lives and our marriage.

I got to AA through a treatment. I got to the treatment center by way of the emergency room. But, I got into the program of AA for real when I got a sponsor.

Thanks for letting me share. Kim D


Member: Linda W
Location: MSP
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 17:41:21

Comments

First time here, Linda alcoholic/addict

After ten years of a relationship with another alcoholic - 9 of them clean and sober for me, 5 for the other, i know that the rollercoaster still continues if I do not work my own program and try to work someone else's program. The behavior of my alcoholism is not only a "drink" away but also a "control someone else" away. I try to remember that we all have a higher power, and that's not me.. Al-anon has its place, but sometimes if you are also an alcoholic, the dynamics are not too healthy.


Member: al t
Location: fla
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 18:39:50

Comments

hi alky named al- to jim in mich if you think that your wife will change in time good luck- mine did the same thing. nine years later still doing it if you stay with her find a good club and sponser because you will need both.


Member: Tiffany M.
Location:
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 20:48:06

Comments

Hi I'm Tiffany alkie/addict. Ann thanks for posting your topic. Alanon is where you need to be to get the answers you need. They help and support the friends and family of the alcoholic. AA is for the alcoholic himself/herself. Getting started in AA........ I think the beginning is the hardest part for everyone. It's important to keep an open mind and stick with the winners. The winners are people with quality sobriety- the people that can stay sober and somewhat sane when the going gets tough. Also find a sponcer who has worked the steps and is one of the people described above. And the most important thing is to keep coming back. Peace.


Member: JB
Location: Minneapolis
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 21:11:18

Comments

Hi my name is J and I am an alcoholic. Ann as for your question about verbal abuse, it wasn't until early sobriety when I happened to read an Ann Landers column listing the 10 qualities for a verbal abuser that I recognized it in myself and that was very humbling. I tried to make amends to my ex husband but the damage had already been done and there was no going back. Although I was sober and working the steps of AA I still was verbally abusive of my boyfriends. After that wake up call in the Ann Landers column I still had to work on that character defect with my sponsor. Today I can gratefully say that I have never been verbally or emotionally abusive in my current relationship but that is after over nine years of sobriety. It didn't come overnight for me. Like everyone else says, go to Al-Anon, the phone book will list a group near you.

John as for getting started in AA, I was in a relationship where we were both drinking heavily and I was financially dependent and depressed. I finally called a local church for help and met with a counselor there. She listened to me complain about my boyfriend's drinking and after a few careful questions about my own drinking, she took me to my first AA meeting. I stayed sober for a few weeks but then started to drink again while still living with him, an active alcoholic. Another woman from the group called me one night and said "you're going to die if you don't get out of there and get sober" and she offered me a place to live. I stayed with her for three months, got on my feet, and clean and sober I moved into an apartment I could afford. Meanwhile I went to meetings sometimes twice a day. I got a sponsor and started to work the steps. I read everything I could about the steps (Hazelden is right in our backyard here) and I listened to what the old timers had to say in meetings. It works! I now have a serenity I never dreamed possible and I just go one day at a time and don't drink. Hang in there, it gets better! Peace and love, J.


Member: richard m
Location: sarasota,fl.
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 21:15:13

Comments

hello my name is richard, i am an alcoholic.........my conduct here on the net is a good indication of how sucesfully .i am working the program.......do i have serenety?.......am i able to stay focused on the topic? i am haveing a succesfull relationship with others in our group.......perhaps the way things go for me in here ....maybe they go the same in my relations with others...peace!!!!1


Member: Catherine H.
Location: Norfolk Va
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 21:58:40

Comments

I'm Catherine - real alcoholic. This is my first time here so excuse me if messy! I am married to an alcoholic myself. We are both in recovery and we met in the rooms. A.A. has taught me how to do relationships with God, myself, and with others. I am forever grateful! Whenever I didn't find answers there I went to Al-anon and thank God for them also! I never thought that I was capable of loving and being loved and finding the kind of love that I have seen in the rooms and in my new found relationships. My sponsor always told me that hurt people hurt people and for me that is true. So when I let go of the hurt inside me (by working the steps w/a sponsor) and I forgive the hurtful things others have done - I am truly free. If you only ever remember one thing in this life - YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!


Member: KERRY F.
Location: DELAWARE
Date: 14 Mar 1999
Time: 22:32:15

Comments

HELLO KERRY F. ALCOHOLIC,IN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION ANN.MY WIFE DEALT WITH MY ALCOHOL PROBLEM WITH A SWIFT DIVORSE.TODAY I CAN SEE WHY PERHAPS SHE CHOOSE THAT OPTION.THE DAMAGE HAD ALREADY BEEN DONE.AT FIRST I COULD'NT UNDERSTAND HER WAY OF THINKING AND I TOOK THE WHOLE THING BADLY AND MADE AN ATTEMPT ON MY OWN LIFE,WHICH WOULD HAVE SATISFIED THIS SICKNESS.IT'S MAIN GOAL REMAINS TO DESTROY LIVES AND IT'S VERY GOOD AT DOING THAT. TODAY I NOW EXCEPT MY SHARE OF THE RESPONSABILITY FOR THE DIVORSE AND MADE AMENDS TO THE WIFE FOR ALL I PUT HER THROUGH.NOTE SHE SHARED SOME BLAME HERSELF BUT I WON'T GO INTO ANY OF THAT.SHE HAD SOME PROBLEMS OF HER OWN. BUT TODAY I LOOK AT THE DIVORSE AS A BLESSING.IT WAS FINALLY WHAT I NEEDED IN GETTING THE HELP I SO BADLY NEEDED.AND I'VE LED A SOBER LIFE EVER SINCE THEN.SO ALTHOUGH I DID'NT GET BACK THE WIFE I DID RECIEVE A VERY VALUABLE GIFT AND THAT IS MY SOBRIETY WHICH I VALUE TODAY MORE THEN ANYTHING ELSE.I ALSO LEARNED FROM MY PAST MISSTAKES.I NOW HAVE SOMEONE ELSE IN MY LIFE WHO KNOWS WHAT I AM AND CAN STILL LOVE ME FOR IT.AND I IN TURN AM BETTER ABLE TO RETURN LOVE TODAY AS WHERE I ONCE THOUGHT ONLY OF MYSELF AND MY DRINKING.THE WONDERFUL PROGRAM OF AA HAS TAUGHT HOW TO DO ALL THAT AND MORE.AA NOT ONLY KEEPS ME SOBER TODAY BUT ALSO TEACHS ME HOW TO LIVE AND LIVE RIGHT. ALTHOUGH I'M NOT PROUD OF MY PAST,I CERTAINLY DON'T BEAT UP ON MYSELF ABOUT IT AND MY EX IS THE SAME WAY.WHATS DONE IS DONE AND LET'S ALL MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES.SO TRY NOT TO BE TO HARD ON THE HUSBAND.IF HE GETS THE PROGRAM,AND YOU STILL HAVE EACH OTHER.YOU SHOULD SEE A WONDERFUL CHANGE IN HIM.IT WILL BE AS YOU WERE NEWLYWEDS.


Member: Joel B
Location: Vermont
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 00:29:45

Comments

Hi everyone. I'm Joel and I'm a Cyber drunk. Yes, I've been sober for 6 years and go to all types of meetings regularly here in Vermont. And I have experience around the drinking/spousal issue.


Member: Kevin B.
Location: San Francisco
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 01:58:46

Comments

My name is Kevin. I'm an alcoholic. My wife and I are both sober members of A.A. We drank together the entire 10 years we'd been together prior to me finding my way to A.A. After being sober about 2 months, I found my wife's drinking and subsequent actions (quit working, verbal abuse, etc...)were becoming unbearable. Thank God for sponsors!

One night after a fight with my wife I ran down to my sponsors house to tell him my tales of woe expecting a sympathetic ear. I was caught by surprise when he just let me have it. He said "Just who the hell do you think you are? That woman has been putting up with your crap for the last 10 years, maybe it's your turn"! He was right. He also said:"Remember, she's a very sick woman. She needs your prayers, not your pity or anger.

I prayed unselfishly for the first time in my life. I'm convinced about the power of prayer. 2 months later my wife ended up in the hospital being treated for pancreatitis and extreme dehydration. She could have died.

Today, almost three years later, we have a life neither one of us would ever have imagined. 17 months ago our son was born and has never seen either of us take a drink. We both try the best we can to work out our solution on a spiritual basis one day at a time. God willing, we'll stay sober so that our son never has to see what it used to be like. I really beleive we're all sober by the grace of a loving God and because someone took the time out to pray for us.

Good luck Ann, we'll pray for you both.


Member: Judy M.
Location: Seattle, Wa.
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 02:09:43

Comments

I am Judy an alcoholic. Ann, I was married to two practicing alcoholics. One at a time of course. I was definately verbally abusive to both of them as well as physically. Even though at the time I thought I was not an alcoholic,someone told me to go to Alanon Which I did. I learned to detach and to let them hit bottom. which one of them did.I also found it easier to admit to being an alcohlic myself when my drinking turned from fun to disaster. I knew the signs and when someone introduced me to AA I was able to go and listen with an open mind. I am so grateful to those people in my life who suggested AA and Alanon to me because today I am remarried and in a clean and sober relationship and with the help of these programs I am able to handle the problems of daily living with much more tact and I handle my problems so much differently.No more violence in my life andmuch more understanding and love. With the grace of god and AA I have 11 yrs of sobriety. And all the people in these programs have helped me to get it and to learn a new way of living.


Member: Connie M.
Location: Campbell River BC
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 03:09:01

Comments

I am an alcoholic my name is Connie

Having a good relationship is not finding the right person, it is being the right person...


Member: Bruce M
Location: KC
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 06:50:01

Comments

Hello I'm Bruce and I'm a alky - wish I wasn't but that's the way it is! During my drinking career I verbally abused my wife and child, never did physically hurt them but could have. Driving drunk etc etc etc. For the non alcoholic spouse, usally a co-dependant Alanon groups are very good meetings to help them understand the disease. Later Guys


Member: Rob C.
Location: taunton,ma.
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 10:47:12

Comments

Hi,Rob alcoholic.Al-anon is probably the best way to deal with someone elses drinking.When you realize that your not the cause,you can't cure and you can't control someone elses drinking you'll be on your way to helping yourself. When we reach out for help and relize that we'er not alone-that others have been through the same things,have experienced the same emotions,there's a wonderful freedom that comes with this. As mentioned by another speaker"we never have to be alone again". After spending so many years of living with these secrets and then sharing them with others who have been through the same thing,that sence of belonging surfaces and we realize that we're home.It's so very important to belong,to realize that we cant',and don't have to do this alone.I am powerless over my drinking or antone elses.And that to me is a wonderful freedom.I tortured my loved ones when I was drinking.I would start arguments with my wife just to have an excuse to leave the house and head to the nearest bar. then after getting sober and finding this wonderful way of life , I wanted her to come along,she wanted nothing to do with A.A. and, after a while she even resentd A.A. Eventually we divorced.But life goes on.I continue to pray for my ex-wife,even after ten years after our divorce.To the old-timers out there,keep coming I need you .To the new comers , keep coming I need you.As Dr.Bob said to bill,"lets not mess this thing up,keep it simple". May God bless you and keep you 'till we meet again.


Member: cathym
Location:
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 10:47:43

Comments

Gee, I was disconnected when I tried the first time to get this through, so I don't know if it worked. I haven't had a drink in nine days, but I don't go to meetings. I'm scared. Right now, this is one of my life lines. I've been reading a lot. I read Susan Powter's book. Does anyone know about it? What do you think? Once again, Thanks to Larry. You helped me.


Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 11:07:00

Comments

Please excuse double-dip. CATHY M: have heard of it but never read it. Please check out AA's book entitled, "Alcoholics Anonymous" (nicknamed The Big Book). You can read it online at http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html

Oh, and a neighborly "hello" to fellow Hampton Roads resident CATHERINE H.


Member: Aaron P.
Location: Atlanta, GA
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 12:24:19

Comments

Hey family my name's Aaron and I'm an alcoholic.

I don't have any experience with spouses since I am only 18 so I think I'll share on the second subject. I had been dry (by the grace of my higher power) for about a year and a half. A friend took me to my first meeting and I HATED it. I heard the word God and I wanted to kill someone. I hated everyone of you happy people. My first thought was that you all ad to be on coke.

I was not wiling to do ANYTHING your way. I had a sponsor for the sake of having a sponsor. I didn't call my sponsor. I didn't work the steps. I went to two meetings a week if that many, and wouldn't ya know, the first ign of trouble I went right back to the bottle.

When I came back in I still hated all of you, but then i could admit that I hatd me too. I got a new sponsor, and I started calling. I still wasn't working the steps though. So I changed sponsors again, thinking it was their fault I was still unhappy.

My current sponsor sat me down one day and asked me, "Are you ready to get sober?" Of coarse being Mr. Ego I answered yes. "Well if you are we'll start working, but if not, I'll buy the first round."

So at 6 months in the program I started working. I didn't always want to, but when I didnt I had my sponsor and his sponsor that would kick my butt untill I did t. Today I feel great. And I owe it all to my higher power and this program/ That's all I've got. Thanks.


Member: Destine' W.
Location: Houston, TX
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 13:23:30

Comments

I'm Destine' & an alcoholic. Being alcoholic not only affected my spouse in a bad way, but it also affected anybody who loved me. I was told early on that I hurt the people that cared the most because they were close/convenient to me. That was real-real simple for me to understand. I think, however, the one I hurt the most was ME! Recovering from that "seemingly hopeless state of mind & body" has been a journey however sometimes it all feels like uphill. And as a result of this journey, relationships with others, i.e. spouse, mother, father, son, sister, ad infinitum - have improved tremendously! Thank God for the steps. They work if you work them.

Love y'all.


Member: LA
Location: SD
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 14:11:38

Comments

I am Lisa and I'm an alcoholic. I have been sober for almost 6 years and I prior to sobriety I didn't know the difference between abuse and non-abuse. Sometimes the actual physical abuse is easier to detect then the other. But anyway by the grace of God every day he reveals more to me. He is a good God. I can only share my wisdom. I have been in bad relationsips before and only have left when I was about to die, kind of like the alcohol. When I was about dead I sought an easier , softer, way. I have been relationssip free in sobriety for about 4 years and that has allowed me the time to grow and gain strength and for my eyes to see more clearly. My God today is first in my life and not my man, my drug, my shopping sprees, my work, my family etc. I would run to anything for escape from my God because I was full of fear, shame, remorse, and guilt. I am still sobering up one day at a time and as long as I keep with the steps today based on my past experience I will remain stable, hopeful, contentful, and at peace. Thanks God for these steps, I would be dead with out them, If not physically dead for sure spritually. I wouldn't want to miss this for the world. My heart pains at those who don't get it, can't get it, won't get it. I would have hated to die without knowing this. This was God's intention for us. Goodness... God bless my friend who is reading this now. Thank You for having this site thank you for listening to me...


Member: Mark C.
Location: Shelter Island, NY
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 14:14:19

Comments

My last drunk... I stormed up the dock pissed off at the captain about the amount of shack money we were dividing up amongst the crew, right past the pay phone (plenty of AA #'s in wallet) and to the Rhumbline Bar with about $800 bucks in my pocket. Lost my coin (rehab) there, probably got a shot for it. Then off to the crackhouse and peeking out the windows and waiting for dealers and all that. Found myself walking down the RR tracks at 3am back towards the dock wondering how I was going to do this all over again, no drugs left, no booze left, no money left to buy any, and them friggin' birds started screamin", another day was comin', how am going to get enough for another rock, another drink? Them friggin' birds, another day!! You ever hear them friggin' birds at 3 in the morning when you been up all night? I got to the same pay phone again and I dug an AA number out of my pocket and called Lennie, he came and got me. I stayed at his house that whole day, couldn't bring myself to go to a meeting that Sunday, but Monday I got back in my home group, that was 3 and a half years ago and one day at a time I haven't had a drink or drug since. And by the way I love them birds in the morning now!


Member: Joke V
Location: Belgium
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 14:14:31

Comments

My name is Joke (it's a Belgium name, not a 'joke'), I don't know if I'm an alcoholic but I know that every two days I drink more than one or two bottles of wine. So does my husband. We drink together. I think it's the only way we can really communicate with each other. Drinking alcohol and smoking sigarettes at the kitchen table helps us to talk about work, the children, life, fears, ... The day after I have been drinking, I feel very guilty and sick and I promise myself not to drink anymore, which I can do for... one evening. To celebrate 'me-feeling-good' I drink a glass of wine or ten. I really think wine is transforming my personality completely and I'm afraid that a life with my husband and without wine is not possible. He doesn't want to talk about it. He says: 'we are both emotional'. There is no violence here, except the violence we do to our health and brain. It's the first time I'm here and I don't quite understand how thinks work. What does it mean 'having a sponsor'? Does anyone recocnise my situation? Am I an alcoholic if I say: 'one glass of wine is too much and a hundred glasses too less', which is true for me. Thanks


Member: Mark C.
Location: Shelter Island, NY
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 14:18:48

Comments

My last drunk... I stormed up the dock pissed off at the captain about the amount of shack money we were dividing up amongst the crew, right past the pay phone (plenty of AA #'s in wallet) and to the Rhumbline Bar with about $800 bucks in my pocket. Lost my coin (rehab) there, probably got a shot for it. Then off to the crackhouse and peeking out the windows and waiting for dealers and all that. Found myself walking down the RR tracks at 3am back towards the dock wondering how I was going to do this all over again, no drugs left, no booze left, no money left to buy any, and them friggin' birds started screamin", another day was comin', how am going to get enough for another rock, another drink? Them friggin' birds, another day!! You ever hear them friggin' birds at 3 in the morning when you been up all night? I got to the same pay phone again and I dug an AA number out of my pocket and called Lennie, he came and got me. I stayed at his house that whole day, couldn't bring myself to go to a meeting that Sunday, but Monday I got back in my home group, that was 3 and a half years ago and one day at a time I haven't had a drink or drug since. And by the way I love them birds in the morning now!


Member: chat
Location:
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 14:23:00

Comments


Member: CJ
Location: Northern NY
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 15:05:22

Comments

Hi. CJ, i'm an alcoholic. First time here. I'm out of time today, but I'll be back tommorrow. Thanks for being here!

Peace


Member: Melissa C.
Location: Los Angeles
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 15:48:42

Comments

Hi. My name is Melissa and I am a practicing alcoholic. I have the desire to stop, but can't. I try to do it on my own, but I find myself stopping at the Liq. Store any way. My husband has been in ICU at a hospital for 3 1/2 months now, and it is shredding me to pieces. I sometimes go to meetings, but am tired of people telling me what I should do and how I should feel. I wish that I could meet someone who knew what to say, that I wouldn't refuse to listen to. Does any of this make sence???

I don't want to die from this...


Member: Shawna W
Location: Wisconsin
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 15:48:55

Comments

Hi all I'm Shawna and I am an alcoholic. I have only been sober a few 24hours but I have learned alot.I guess as far as the spousal abuse thing goes I have no clue. I am 21 and never been in a serious relationship.However I have a child and too me that is close to the same thing. I did my first step pretty much for her sake. I got tired of listening to her ask if I was gonna be coming home drunk again. She should never have been exposed to that. I deal with that everyday and try to move on but it is so hard to do sometimes. I am in treatment now and I will be getting out soon and I must say I am worried about life after treatment. I love my soberity some days and somedays I am so into my pity pot that I hate soberity at the same time! Does that make any sense? So Anyways I am so thankful for my meetings and knowing that even online people care. Thanks for being here everybody Love and Soberity


Member: Deanna
Location: Texas
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 16:50:06

Comments

Hi I'm Deanna and I'm an alcoholic. ANN: Been there done that! On both sides! My second husband was a beautiful man and an alcoholic. He died in a car accident 5 1/2 years ago. He drank from sunup to sundown. He was verbally, mentally and on one occasion physically abusive to me and this was before I started having a "booze" problem. I enabled him by allowing his alcoholism to run my life. Unfortunately I did not go to Alanon and so I found out about this program after I took his place as the resident alcoholic in my home. I'm am certainly not saying that if you don't you will become like him, but you realize there is a problem now instead of when it's too late like me. Hang in there and call someone!

On the flipside of that I have been everything but physical with my current spouse who loves me more than anything and will shout that from the mountaintops, but boy did he p**s me off today! I have been sober 36 days and he tells me he thinks we're not on the same page anymore. That confuses me. However, I do know that my sobriety means more to me than anything because to drink is to die for me. He needs to come to my page since it's where he told me he wanted me in the first place. Guess he wants his cake and eat it too I don't know. But, if anyone has been through this and came up with a response to make a spouse understand that you can't be the way you were before and sober if the way you were was drunk I sure would be grateful.

I am grateful for my 36 days and am trying to avoid that pink cloud like the plague. Thanks for letting me share.

Deanna


Member: Joke V?
Location: Belgium
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 17:02:19

Comments

Shawna & Melissa and all the others, It's almost 11 pm for me now and I was wandering if anyone after me joined the discussion. Which strikes me the most is that I'm not the only woman (32) who has to deal with an alcoholic problem. What I want to ask is :what is it about drinking that you like the most even you know you don't like the consequences? When do you drink? With whom? How much? The answers to those questions can help me. What can I answer for you? I'll be waiting...


Member: cathym
Location:
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 17:47:07

Comments

Joke, It's the same with me . . . wine, wine, wine. I hate it. For right now, I'm stopped. Yeah, I think we're both in trouble. Can you buy some books? I did. I'm reading to find out what's happening.


Member: Mike
Location: Seattle
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 18:13:06

Comments

Mike, Alchoholic. Someone very early on said that if you hang around long enough, you will hear someone tell your story. Larry came as close to that as any story I've ever heard.

Yes, there was a great deal of abuse. Not physical or even verbal, although I did call her a Fat Parasite a time or two. For me, it was mostly the silent scorn. Yes, she had gotten fat. Yes, she treated me like shit. Yes, I became a drunk to give her grounds for the divorce that she had been threatening for 15 years. I understand that the silence is even more hurtful than the name calling.

I am not in this program that forces me to deal with my baggage, or my part of the baggage. She's still on her "medication," anti-depressants and God only knows what else. I drank to not feel depression, loneliness in my own house, or anything at all. She has no means of recovery. As long as she nurses her resentments with the help of less than helpful friends, she can never recover.

The recent divorce settlement conference was somewhat revealing. I spent time in Step 11 meditation before the meeting, attacked no one, and made no attempt to defend myself while 3 lawyers carved up my life savings. She suffered "Emotional Exhaustion" ten minutes before the settlement was actually reached. Besides my house and savings, she now has my pity.

What troubles me is that much of her psychology, much of what she holds within her to this day, I projected there. Yes, I am 100% responsible for my whatever percentage. Without a program, she can never face her portion of the collapse of the marriage, no matter how slight.

Today, I have a chance to start a new relationship with a woman who is also in the program. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. I think that I will trust Him this day, love the new lady as I should have loved the old, and refrain from assaults of pen and tongue.

Keep coming back, It Works.

Thanks for letting me rant.


Member: Shannon L.
Location: Washington
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 18:59:35

Comments

Hello My name is Shannon A grateful recovering Alcholic. I was raised in a very abusive(verbally, sexually, and physically) family. My Father being the Alcholic(and Abuser) and my mother being the enabler. All of the kids(6 of them) needs were never important and set aside, because at that time my fathers needs were very important. I walked on egg shells whenever I was around my father, because I was never certain to what would set him off on his rage. At the age of 23 I married a man who was not an alcholic I felt that I was leaving my pass behind me and going to make a good secure family home. I ended verbally abusing this man until I went into insanity, because he could not take away my shame, my guilt, my anger, my frustration, etc.,etc,. He was not raised the same way as I was and he could not understand my problems nor offer me any solutions. So he ended up divorcing me he had to, to keep his sanity. I made an ammends to this man and he still does'nt forgive me. I got into an alcholic relationship a year later and continued to use until I just could not live the way that I was living any longer, and asked my higher power for help. I have been sober now for 6 months and so has my boyfriend. I verbally abused him and still do at times when the anger gets built up where there is no time to ask God to control me and I snap. Through the AA program and working the steps I am able to recognize my character defects and going back and making an amends. None of my verbally abusive words or about my boyfriend they are all about me and I just dump out my feelings about me on to my boyfriend. My sponsor has told me that I have been drinking for a long time so I am not going to change over night. Things take time and taking responsibility for My Part in this is a begining(it's not his fault, it's not my mothers fault, it's not my fathers fault, etc., etc.,). It isn't only one person it takes two to tango. So what I suggest is you work on your part and grow from it and maybe he will react to your change and get himself help. The ony person you are going to be able to help is yourself and your attitudes, the rest should follow. As for my father and my mother I was able to make my ammends to my mother. My father left and is still a practicing alcholic I realize that he had just as bad of a childhood to learn these behaviors and through my Higher power and this program I am able to forgive him today. Good Luck and seek help with alanon or AA.

God Bless you All!!


Member: dave a
Location: phoenix az
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 20:46:13

Comments

hi im dave and i am an alcolic not a typest im barley sober 24 hours now and think this is a graet idea i had almost 6 mos of sobroiety and went on a binge i guess i got on my pity pot im lucky i made it back i was out 3 weeks trust me it doesnt get any better i was having problems hearing voices that would not leave me alone i have gone to a physiciatrist and got some meds i only tell you this so noone will have to go 6 mos and relapse bercause of this dont put it off if you are having that problem im not proud of it but i know god is with us all even if you have to look raelly hard him im 32 i drank for 20 years trust god and you will be ok please dont go back out love dave


Member: Glenn W
Location: NJ
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 21:17:43

Comments

Hi. I am an alcoholic. I have been sober now for several 24s however I feel extremely uncomfortable in meetings since they are held in churches an I am an Orthodox Jew. This onsite meeting is a wonderful connection to AA. The two topics of abusive spouses and starting in AA are somewhat inter-related. By me being an emotionally abusive spouse my wife set up the situation for me to bottom out. Best thing that ever happened to me. She left and I got sober. Similarly to one of the comments above, I went for professional help and was told the only help I could get was in AA. It's nice to know that some people won't take your money if they can't help you.

Here it is several 24s later, a new wife, a daughter, one on the way, and I look forward to every day.

G-d Bless


Member: PATRICK J
Location: LOUISIANA
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 22:08:18

Comments

HELLO MY NAMEIS PAT AND I'M CROSSED ADDICATION, I REMEMBER WHEN I FIRST STARTED THE PROGRAM IN 97. WELL THAT WAS WHEN I STARTED TO TAKE IT SEARIOUS. I'VE BEEN THROUGH THREE TREAMENT CENTERS AND TWO YEARS IN A RECOVERY HOUSE IN ALABAMA. THE MOST RECOVERY I HAVE RECEIVED IS 1 YR AND 3 AND HALF MONTHS THE ONLY REASON I HAVE NOT GOT A 100% RECOVERY IS I KNOW NOW THAT YOU MUST PUT IN 100% OF WHATS SUJUSTED AND A PERSON WILL GET GOOD RECOVERY. I ALWAYS THOUGHT I COULD JUST FIND A SHORTER WAY. WHATS SO HARD ABOUT A FEW SIMPLE SUGESTIONS. I JUST CHOSE TO MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR MY SELF. I KNOW HAVE 3 WEEKS. BUT YOU SEE I WONT LESSON TO ANYONE AT FIRST I HAVE TO CHECK OUT EVERYTHING LIKE THE PROGRAM TO SEE IF THERES A BETTER WAY. I REMEMBER ONE TIME I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE ANTI BUSE AND ALL MY PROBLEMS WOULD GO AWAY. THAT WAS ALSO WHEN I THOUGHT THAT ALCOHOL WAS MY PROBLEM ALSO.. (L) E-MAIL ADDRESS RAMBLER4EVER@HOWEBTV.NET


Member: Rebecca A.
Location: Lebanon, PA
Date: 15 Mar 1999
Time: 23:20:18

Comments

I'm Rebecca and I'm an alcoholic. Ann, Alanon is a good suggestion. Possibly consider contacting a local domestic abuse hotline. Most of them operate on a 24 hour basis and they touch on all aspects of abuse--not just physical. The other thing I know from experience is that if I practice the twelve steps to the best of my ability, answers to my problems will come or my struggles will take care of themselves. For those of you who mentioned having a desire not to drink but are struggling with it, I was there early in sobriety. The thing is, nothing worked for me until I was willing to take suggestions. Nothing worked for me until I was willing to pick up the book and read, ask questions, use the phone, and begin to try to work this program to the best of my understanding. I didn't want anyone telling me what to do, how to do it, who to do it with, etc. either. HOWEVER, I realized that I was letting a NON BREATHING, NON LIVING, CHEMICAL DICTATE MY LIFE. If I was not wanting to listen to another human being or to God, why would I let a chemical dictate my lifestyle and my quality of life--such that it was? That realization brought me to my knees. It's a chemical. It does not live, it does not speak, it does not hold you, BUT it sure can steal your soul, everything that you love, and can kill you either physically or mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Thanks for letting me share. Keep coming back! Things do get better.


Member: Michelle B
Location: Seattle
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 00:07:25

Comments

Hi, my name is Michelle and I am such an alcoholic. I wanted to address the second topic. I got started with AA thru treatment because I was too full of fear to even call the AA in the phonebook. I was full of fear every moment of every day and the only thing that made it better was the booze. My first meeting was a womens meeting. Obviously a newcomer (shaking, terrified eyes, defensive body posture) I sat and listed to the women talk about feelings, actions, re-actions sooo many things that I was so familiar with. I broke down and started bawling while the second woman was sharing and cried for the rest of the meeting. I cried with relief, hope, shame and for the biggest reason of all - the fact that these women/people knew me in a way that no one else did and they were all telling me it was ok. That I was ok and that whatever I was feeling, thinking or doing was ok with them. They told me about other meetings in the area that were really good and gave me phone numbers. I was in shock and hated them and wanted so much to be with them. I didn't really believe them, but wanted so much to believe them, that they really cared. I did what they said. For the first time in my life I did what I was told so that I could come back and be in a part of the world where it was ok to be me. I found my TRIBE, and I am forever changed for it. My life is so much more than I could have planned, and I still have such a long way to go. I keep coming back for the simple reason that I am loved and I love the people, My Higher Power, and the chance to do it all over tomorrow if I didn't get it right today.


Member: Wil S
Location: Nas Lemoore,Ca
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 01:50:10

Comments

Hello, My name is Wil and I am an alcoholic. I am greatful to be here this evening, greatful to be anywhere.I thought I might share what I have learned the last several years since I have been Married.I believe the book descibes me fairly well as the director 'everything would be wonderful if everyone would do and be exactly the way I believe they should'.Of couse I am as nice as Ihave to be or as mean as I have to be for this to come off wright.When Iam operating in that mode the result is chaos insanity rage fear and I harm those about me.I have to remind myself on a regular basis that I am not in charge and people have a right to be exactly the way they are.I am powerless and cannot change anythig except my attitude.When I do not personalize the percieved wrong doing of others I am more successful at being of service to God and my fellows.I know I have taken the reigns when I become angry and that reminds me to give them back.I am only happy when I give my will and life over to the care of God.God bless all of you.


Member: beth
Location: mn
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 01:53:23

Comments

I'm not sure if I'm welcomed here - (please tell me where to go ( :-) ) if this isn't it!!)

I don't know if I want to stop drinking - but I WANT to want to stop.

I think that may have to do with the second topic. As for the first - I am successful, have great kids, a great family - but am so depressed and unsatisfied - I know I am emotionally abusive to my boyfriend - but I can't help it. I'm like - floating - looking for ... what - I don't know. My boy friend is abusive to me too - when we are both drunk.

I drink between 6 - 12 beers a night - and have for over a year.

I'm hoping that I don't get to the "bottom out" stage - where I lose everything and everyone around me. But right now - I want to kill myself every time I get really drunk and we fight.

I'm looking for reasons to quit. Why don't I think my life, my kids, my family, my boyfried - are reasons???

Again - I'm sorry if I'm breaking the rules!!

Anyone understand?


Member: Geri W
Location: Va
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 04:51:40

Comments

Hello. Geri, a very grateful alcoholic here.

First of all, welcome to all the newcomers in the discussion. Cathryn, Aaron, Beth, Shawa and Dave, thank you for sharing with me.

Melissa - I am sorry that your husband is so ill and has been in the hospital all this time. It's really tough - but we'll be here for you if you let us.

Deanna - congrats on the 36 days. Sobering up with a mate that doesn't have a clue about what is happening is not easy(wasn't for me). If you can't get him to AlAnon, will he read the part about the family in the BB? You probably aren't on the "same page". He may not realize that you are in a fight for your life. Give him all the honesty he can stand. I'll keep you in my prayers. You can do it.

Now I don't know alot about how I stopped all the anger and rages - just know that I followed the receipt in the Big Book with the help of my sponsor and it worked. If you want what I have, don't drink, trust God and practice the steps of AA.


Member: Gene Z
Location: New Hampshire
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 07:42:09

Comments

Hello, I understand and can emphasize with the spousal abuse issue. Both me and my pregnant girlfriend are newly sober.Through all our past issues and current dilemas we are in a word,raw. The only way of having any success is BOTH of us promptly admitting we were wrong and discussing our emotions and behaviors.Sometimes "abuse" is a handy word for saying things aren't going my way and I'm pissed!


Member: Mike W.
Location: Tennessee
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 08:43:38

Comments

Hi, I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic. "Turn it over." I think this is one of the most important truths I've learned through AA. Turn this spousal abuse--verbal or otherwise-- over to God. He can and will help...just like with the alcohol he keeps us from. Thank you for bringing up this topic.


Member: Beth R.
Location: Illinois
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 14:34:37

Comments

Hello - I read everything listed above, was wondering if anyone is struggling with the "next generation" issue...that is, my husband, sober 11 years, I don't drink, now 16 year old is starting. Guess they say it's hereditary, but was hoping that our example would be set for him to follow...Of course peer pressure can be an issue, but need to find some info on Teen drinking....thanks Beth


Member: Joke
Location: Belgium
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 14:46:22

Comments

Cathym, Glenn and beth,and all the others I'm glad you read my message and reacted to it. Let's help each other. I decided to stop drinking. It's my first evening and it's really difficult because my husband opened a bottle of Bordeaux during our meal (we allways drink together). He was very surprised that I refused. In the meantime, he drank the bottle and he opened an other one for himself. He doesn't want to stop because he doesn't suffer enough, I guess. I don't know how my marriage will be without me drinking wine...I look at my glass of water and I wish I were a fish, so that I wouldn't see it. I hope I can help you with telling how it is, not to drink, day by day...if I can do it? I'll be back tomorrow.


Member: Chris H.
Location: Colorado
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 15:23:54

Comments

Hi, I'm Chris and I'm an alcoholic.

I really value the personal honesty stated on these pages, and I can relate to many stories. However, before I discuss the topic, Cathy M, Hi, keep coming back! Melissa C., your situation must be excruciating. My experience is that alcohol only makes hard things harder. Keep coming back, our prayers are with you. Beth, you're in the right place. I get a lot from face-to- face meetings, and they are a good way to meet some real people in recovery. Beth, all we need is the desire to stop drinking!!

Okay, Ann, I agree, Alanon is a program designed for family members of alcoholics. Alcoholism is a devastating spiritual, social, mental, and physical disease. Alcoholism wrecks havoc on the alcoholic and all society both directly and indirectly. Many books have been written on the topic, but in my experience, only AA saved my life. Alcoholics end up in a co-dependent and unhealthy relationships. As unhealthy relationships go, all family members become sick.

Usually, conflict produced in an alcoholic family demands there be at least one persecutor, a rescuer, and a victim. These are interchangeable roles of a sick co-dependency relationship. The bottom line is, these are sick responses to a situation that is "out of control," and all persons in the relationship are not well. Falling into the illness of an alcoholic relationship is as easy as placing blame. For example, "this alcoholic is wrecking my life," yep, so what are you going to do about YOUR life?

I feel Linda W, said it best when she said, "The behavior of my alcoholism is not only a "drink" away but also a "control someone else" away. I try to remember that we all have a higher power, and that's not me." Also, I think Deanna hit it on the head by saying, "I enabled him by allowing his alcoholism to run my life." Yep, we alcoholics are selfish drunks, we look for or create excuses to get drunk, and we rely on support to continue drinking.

Mike said, "As long as she nurses her resentments with the help of less than helpful friends, she can never recover."

Thanks Mike, I think as alcoholics, we are determined to enable our sick behaviors. These patterns can exist long after the drink is gone, and character defects that are a part of our alcoholism cause conflict in sobriety, as well, if we do not honestly work the steps, and remove these patterns. We as either Alcoholics or Alanons can easily find people to agree with our sick point of view, if we wish to play the victim. However, growth and change requires looking at my part, and what I can do to change me.

Paul indicated that, "I believe the verbal attacks were really my inner self abusing my soul mate, in order to vent my anger at me," and Catherine H. said, "My sponsor always told me that hurt people hurt people and for me that is true."

I feel the answer is in HONESTLY doing the steps of AA, going to meetings, and getting an honest sponsor that will call me on my crap when he/she sees it, so that I can ask my HP to help me change my behavior. In AA people say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

As JB indicated, first we have to recognize our part, "Ann as for your question about verbal abuse, it wasn't until early sobriety when I happened to read an Ann Landers column listing the 10 qualities for a verbal abuser that I recognized it in myself and that was very humbling."

Then, if we do the program, we get the promises, for example, Kim D said, "Once we both got sober, gradually we stopped behaving so insanely," and Judy M. said that now she has, "No more violence in my life and much more understanding and love," and Tiffany M. says, "The winners are people with quality sobriety- the people that can stay sober and somewhat sane when the going gets tough.""I now have a serenity I never dreamed possible and I just go one day at a time and don't drink."

Ann, my experience is that through AA these things are possible in time.


Member: Chris H.
Location: Colorado
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 15:24:19

Comments

Hi, I'm Chris and I'm an alcoholic.

I really value the personal honesty stated on these pages, and I can relate to many stories. However, before I discuss the topic, Cathy M, Hi, keep coming back! Melissa C., your situation must be excruciating. My experience is that alcohol only makes hard things harder. Keep coming back, our prayers are with you. Beth, you're in the right place. I get a lot from face-to- face meetings, and they are a good way to meet some real people in recovery. Beth, all we need is the desire to stop drinking!!

Okay, Ann, I agree, Alanon is a program designed for family members of alcoholics. Alcoholism is a devastating spiritual, social, mental, and physical disease. Alcoholism wrecks havoc on the alcoholic and all society both directly and indirectly. Many books have been written on the topic, but in my experience, only AA saved my life. Alcoholics end up in a co-dependent and unhealthy relationships. As unhealthy relationships go, all family members become sick.

Usually, conflict produced in an alcoholic family demands there be at least one persecutor, a rescuer, and a victim. These are interchangeable roles of a sick co-dependency relationship. The bottom line is, these are sick responses to a situation that is "out of control," and all persons in the relationship are not well. Falling into the illness of an alcoholic relationship is as easy as placing blame. For example, "this alcoholic is wrecking my life," yep, so what are you going to do about YOUR life?

I feel Linda W, said it best when she said, "The behavior of my alcoholism is not only a "drink" away but also a "control someone else" away. I try to remember that we all have a higher power, and that's not me." Also, I think Deanna hit it on the head by saying, "I enabled him by allowing his alcoholism to run my life." Yep, we alcoholics are selfish drunks, we look for or create excuses to get drunk, and we rely on support to continue drinking.

Mike said, "As long as she nurses her resentments with the help of less than helpful friends, she can never recover."

Thanks Mike, I think as alcoholics, we are determined to enable our sick behaviors. These patterns can exist long after the drink is gone, and character defects that are a part of our alcoholism cause conflict in sobriety, as well, if we do not honestly work the steps, and remove these patterns. We as either Alcoholics or Alanons can easily find people to agree with our sick point of view, if we wish to play the victim. However, growth and change requires looking at my part, and what I can do to change me.

Paul indicated that, "I believe the verbal attacks were really my inner self abusing my soul mate, in order to vent my anger at me," and Catherine H. said, "My sponsor always told me that hurt people hurt people and for me that is true."

I feel the answer is in HONESTLY doing the steps of AA, going to meetings, and getting an honest sponsor that will call me on my crap when he/she sees it, so that I can ask my HP to help me change my behavior. In AA people say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

As JB indicated, first we have to recognize our part, "Ann as for your question about verbal abuse, it wasn't until early sobriety when I happened to read an Ann Landers column listing the 10 qualities for a verbal abuser that I recognized it in myself and that was very humbling."

Then, if we do the program, we get the promises, for example, Kim D said, "Once we both got sober, gradually we stopped behaving so insanely," and Judy M. said that now she has, "No more violence in my life and much more understanding and love," and Tiffany M. says, "The winners are people with quality sobriety- the people that can stay sober and somewhat sane when the going gets tough.""I now have a serenity I never dreamed possible and I just go one day at a time and don't drink."

Ann, my experience is that through AA these things are possible in time. Thanks for the share!!


Member: Catherine E
Location: California
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 16:25:13

Comments

I'm an alcoholic. I just realized this yesterday morning. I want to stop drinking and I haven't had a drink since Sunday night, although I had plenty that night. I am so ashamed of the example I have set for my son. I don't think I need "detox" but I do need something. What's the next step?


Member: Larry M.
Location: Virginia Beach
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 18:01:51

Comments

CATHERINE E: Welcome! The next step is to call information, get the local phone number for Alcoholics Anonymous, call them and tell them you want to stop drinking and need help. You can also get the phone number for the AA office in your area at this site: http://anonpress.org/phone/ca.htm They will tell you when and where the meetings in your area are held. If you don't feel comfortable going alone, a woman from AA will go with you. Good luck!


Member: CJ
Location: Northern NY
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 18:11:08

Comments

Hi. CJ from Northern NY, i'm an alcoholic. I'm glad I found this on the net. It really helps! I have been trying to get sober on and off again for several years. I have now been sober for 2 days this time. I hope it continues! I know I'm not the only one who has gone through this. Anyway, I'm in a recovery program in my home town, but I know that will not be enough to keep me sober. So I really appreciate ya'll being here! Thanks for letting me share!

PeaceC


Member: Chuck K.
Location: Texas
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 20:22:11

Comments

Hi everyone, I'm Chuck and I'm an alcoholic. Been sober all day by God's Grace.

To all the newcomers: yes, we understand. But not just that, we want to help. We are here online and in meeting places all around the world. Please take Larry's advice and find the fellowship near you. I really believe there is no substitute for face to face meetings. I go every time I get the chance, even after 15 years sobriety.

Please also find the Big Book,for it contains our program of recovery; Larry's given an address for that as well.

Sobriety is attainable, one day at a time. Sanity comes with it when you combine simple abstinence with our twelve steps of recovery.

God Bless All Here. Come join us, and don't leave before the miracle of AA happens in your life, too. Love from Texas, Chuck.


Member: Ariel F.
Location: Central WI
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 20:45:06

Comments

Hi! Ariel, alcoholic here...very grateful to be alive and sober today by the grace of God. Welcome to all the newcomers just starting out. There are some great suggestions here to help you, one day at a time. My sponsor told me to go to meetings, read the Big Book, pray and meditate, and don't dring, TODAY! It sounded too easy but it works for me! I will pray it works for you too. As for the spouse/family topic...I have to agree with all those who suggested Al-Anon. My husband of 15 years got himself into an AlAnon recovery program a year before I found AA and I can honestly say it has been a God-send for our marraige. Today, I understand why it was and is so valuable to him because I have gotten involved with an Al-Anon adult child program myself to help me cope with my paarents who are both alcoholic and still drinking. As a serious practitioner of both the AA and the Al-Anon program, I have found a new way of life that I never even imagined possible. I don't have all the answers and I can't solve all the problems, but I have the tools to live a sober and serene life for myself today, and to be of service to others...and to me, that's what its all about. Thanks for letting me share today.


Member: Catherine H.
Location:
Date: 16 Mar 1999
Time: 22:33:15

Comments

Hi Catherine - real alcoholic! Just a quick note to all the newcomers or visitors asking "how do I know if I am an alcoholic? etc..." There is an excellent chapter in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, called More About Alcoholism that may answer some of your questions. The whole book is filled with info. and experiences that all of us in this meeting have more than likely gone through. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE read this book and answer your question. I have seen many alcoholics who have asked the same question, never honestly answer it, DIE!! Alcoholism is a disease that KILLS like cancer. We are not bad people - we are ill and if you are an alcoholic and you don't surrender somehow - who knows what .... God works in very mysterious ways. I just got this computer and am first time on - line and I see a person I got sober with share. HI WILL S. from NAS Lemoore, CA. Please E-mail me. Hi, Larry! becca105@erols.com


Member: CJ
Location: Northern NY
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 10:56:14

Comments

Hi. CJ from NY. Glad to be here again. I have a couple of comments on the issues here. As far as the abuse, I have experienced it with my father, and both ex-husbands. Mentally and physically. It goes with the territory. Ann, get to a meeting soon! Alanon preferrably. I'm an alcoholic. Been sober 3 days this time. I'm verbally abusive sometimes when I drink, but find that I am worse when I am hungover, or detoxing. I hope for today I can be strong and get through this. For Joke, You're not alone out there. I too sometimes don't know if I can live normally or function daily without that drink. Be strong, have faith in yourself and God, don't give up, if you fail keep trying! Thanks for letting me share!

Peace sober for today!


Member: Jo V
Location: Belgium
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 13:37:02

Comments

Hello, this is Jo (shortened my name Joke to a more American sound) is here again. Thanks to CJ for letting me know...I didn't drink last night (except a bottle of water) and I don't plan to do it this evening. It really helps me, after diner, to rush to my PC and visit you all. I felt good this morning and I want to have the same feeling tomorrow too. 'Day by day', you all say. But...it's extremely difficult; now I realise how this 'chemicals' want to control my brain and my behavior. They came 'day by day' too, I guess. Life and alcoholism...it's all a matter of time, isn't it? I was not born as an alcoholic, did I? Concerning heredity...my father had several delirium tremens, for which we allways left the house, mostly in the middle of the night. Being really scared, I swore to my mother never to marry an alcoholic but she never asked me not to drink...I did both. The only thing I realise now is how difficult it must have been for my father not to drink himself knock-out a few times a week. We allways ran away, and came back when he was sober. Only once, I saw him crying. I asked him to let us leave the house. I asked for the divorce of my parents. He said he did love us, so I asked him to prove it and to stop drinking. He never could. What if my child starts to drink? I don't know. The thought of it fears me to death...I guess I would visit this site together with her...Anyway, I like being here. Thanks for your stories.


Member: Terry T
Location: Ottawa,Canada
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 13:54:49

Comments

first time online got sober in AA aug12,1979. stayed sober by going to meetings and answering phones at the TAS office of Intergruop.how to stay sober ????meetings,meetings,meetings and when you get tired of going to meeting, phone your sponsor and go to another meeting.stay cleanhello to all my fellow newfoundlanders.,especially those in st. john's


Member: Debbie C
Location: Colorado
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 16:06:24

Comments

Hi, I'm Debbie an alcoholic...Haven't posted here in some time....

I was in a significant relationship (7 years) in the prime of my drinking....I thank God for giving my partner the strength and courage to walk away from me and the sick and unhealthy relationship we were in. He is my dear, good friend today!

I married while in this program and actually had NO business being in any relationship with less than 1 year of sobriety under my belt (I should have listened to my sponsor). Water under the bridge though, I did it anyway....I thank God for giving me the strength and courage to walk away from that sick and unhealthy relationship. We are both much happier today!

Finally, I thank God for continuing to give me the strength and courage to stay out of sick and unhealthy relationships.


Member: Jamie E
Location: BC Canada
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 17:33:52

Comments

Hi I'm Jamie and I'm an alcoholic. This is my second time in here, I think it is great. Anyway pretaining to the topics I relate, in a different way though to most of the people who shared. Many poeple were married or divoreced etc. when they became sober, myself I lived at home with my parents, it was like living with to very alanon people, scary thought I know. i abused my Mother verbally, I was 16 when I came into the program by the way,and physically very baddly. I sence still do live at home, and I have been sober for three years. In those three years I promised myself that I would let let my parents finally be parents instead of trying to control them , change them. I have remeided those relationships with my parents to a point where we have never been closer. I was careful when I came into the program as not to make the same mistakes allot of poeple make, I did not have a relationship until I was a year and a half sober. This is very crucial, because if you have a relationship any sooner than that you are seriously going to be making allot more ammends, and you are going to be hurt. I had a very good sponser who told me that I must learn to be taught, and I must learn to take other poeple's word for it. Thanks for the experience guys because if it weren't for you sharing your experience, I might have some rather unpleasent ones myself. I hope I made sence.


Member: Lynn C.
Location: Southern Illinois
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 17:42:57

Comments

Hello my name is Lynn,

and…(am I an alcoholic?), well today I can answer that question with a definite YES!

Does AA have a solution that works for me?, YES!

When I got sober the answers to these questions were not clear to me, but it didn't really matter, here is what happened.

I went to treatment 14 years ago, but I didn't go for alcohol or pot they weren't the problem LOL, cocaine was what got me into treatment, it was really easy to see I had a problem with that. But alcohol is much more subtle ,cunning, baffling, powerful and patient. I got clean & sober and that lasted about 5 months until I looked up an old love and turned her into my new addiction & higher power all in one. I was enjoying sobriety but my insecurity and this disease told me I had to have this lady as mine at all cost. She drank socially, you I tried drinking like a gentleman for the first time in my life. I actually appeared to have some success when the relationship was going my way. But the relationship didn't go my way for very long, it was on and off, up and down, and looking back I can see that my drinking mirrored it until even when things were up, I stayed down and the drinking increase. This situation climaxed with my third DUI, she had broken up with me for the millionth time, so I went out drinking and got a DUI six weeks after I had gotten my license back. This after not driving for two years. I new the system well enough by then that I started playing the- going to AA meeting so I would be able to have letters to take to court.

I went to this Wednesday night AA meeting, the people there were happy, alive and had been in my shoes once. Thursday night I walked up to the local bowling alley and sat in the bar drinking, I spoke to no one except the bartender to order another beer, people around me were having fun, playing dart, they were alive, but I was sitting there like a ghost. I was so disconnected to the life around me that it was as if I was already dead. The next morning I was at work and my lady friend called me for the first time in a couple of months, just to see how I was doing. The DUI had sobered me up to that co-dependant relationship, so the conversation was brief. I few minute later I had to go to the other side of the plant I worked in. There was another guy that worked there who had gotten a DUI after our company Christmas party, he had been court order to go to AA, (we had spoken once, and he had been a little skeptical about AA at that time). He called me over and he asked me how the AA meetings were going. I told him;

"I'm going, but I'm not really into it if you know what I mean"

his response;

"Gee, that's a shame"

Those words made it all come together for me, he was absolutely right.

Wednesday, The people at the meeting on had found something that brought them serenity and a way to live in this world with out alcohol and be happy. And they were willing to give it to me.

Thursday, I sat in the bar drinking alone like a ghost.

Friday, my friend was right, the solution to many of my problems was staring me in the face and I wasn't taking it.

That truly was a Shame, well something clicked and that was my first day of sobriety almost 12 years ago 4-23-87. I still hadn't answered the question "am I an alcoholic", but it didn't really matter because of what I did know- Even if I never got in trouble again because of alcohol. I would never get the things I wanted out of life because alcohol didn't leave any room for anything else in life, it was my life and I had been suicidal for probably a year at that time.

So I decide to give AA an honest try and see were it led me to, I became willing to go to any lengths to get it as they had suggested at the meeting.

Today AA is my home and I am Alive and Happy, my recovery is a Miracle in progress, let me share one of those miracle with you all.

Everything happens for a reason, the other topic that Ann brought up, that just happens to be exactly were I am at in my recovery, I also married an alcoholic. Monday night I was talking to my sponsor, and I decided to take responsibility for my co-dependant misery. Tuesday morning I check out Staying Cyber and what do I find. The topic seemed to be tailor made for right were I am at in my recovery, but that is no surprise to me, a Higher Power has been making miracles like that happen all along.

Thanks everyone, I love you all.

Ann here are some Al-anon contacts for you.

Al-anon home page- http://www.al-anon.org/

How to find an Al-anon meeting- http://www.al-anon.org/alalist_usa.html

Or For meeting information in the U.S. and Canada, call 1-888-4AL-ANON (between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. ET Monday-Friday).

Sorry didn't mean to make this share so long.


Member: Shawna W
Location: Central Wisconsin
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 17:43:26

Comments

hi everybody Shawna still an alcoholic I just had to talk to you guys for a second! I cut the tip of my index finger almost off so bear with me!! I am so excited about meetings online! I have been telling all my AA buddies about this and they are all totally pysched about trying it out now. I think I may even like these meetings more then my real ones.ALMOST!! Thanks everyone again because I know I am not alone in all my daily struggles. Although I am not sure how many of you have cut your fingertip off and still jumped on the pc to see what everbody has to say! Thanks again I am gonna go rest now Peace and Soberity-Shawna


Member: Bruce A.
Location: PA
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 18:16:04

Comments

Hi Appollo Alcoholic. I mentally and verbally abused my family for 15 yrs. while I was using. When I came to A.A. and learned about unconditionally love This has stopped. If anyone would have treated me the way I treated my family I would have been gone. My loving wife of 31 yrs. hung in there with me and I will be forever Grateful.I have been to alanon meetings. maybe they can help you also Ann. Love you all Happy St. Patrick's Day


Member: HELP!
Location: Lost.
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 18:52:10

Comments

I think I'll just kill myself. I drank and drugged for a long time. I'm 36 years old now and have reached the end of my rope. I went back to AA only because I'm facing felony abuse charges. To the woman questioning what to do, go to Alanon. If he is abusive, get out. It will get worse. I went to my first AA when I was 19. I tried and tried to get sober, but I guess I didn't try hard enough. I had a lot wrong with me before I took that first drink. I only thought alcohol and drugs took away the real problems. There are certainly still there, the feelings of indifference, the fear, shame , guilt, and of course self-pity. I know AA is all I really have left.. After all, when everything else in your life seems so uncertain, when you look in the mirror and don't know what you see, when everyone is gone, what do you really have left? AA, God, and yourself. I swear I really feel like giving up. I just don't think I can handle things anymore. That's really how I honestly feel. It's easy to admit these things over a machine. None of you know me. If there is a God and he can keep me sober and sane, or I should say "get" me sober and sane, it will be one hell of a miracle. I've hurt so many people in my life and have endured pain myself on a seemingly overwhelming level. I cannot live this life anymore. Something has got to give. If anyone out there is questioning their drinking, you probably are an alcoholic and will only mend by help from AA and a power greater than yourself. I need to get my but to a meeting badly. Sometimes I want to go , sometimes I hate it, sometimes I love it. Here lately I hate everything. I've tried suicide several times, but I guess the "Supreme Being" had other plans. But why? Why me? I am a speck, in a infinite ocean of sand. Bless all of you. Surrender, surrender, surrender. Goodbye, Joel.


Member: Chuck K
Location: Texas
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 20:24:50

Comments

Hi, everybody. Chuck, and alcoholic.

Joel, please go to a meeting. You are not alone in how you feel, nor are you unique. I thought I was, and the more I held onto that, the more I felt apart from and not a part of--desparate, lonely, and afraid, too. My group and my sponsor led me to a faith in God that works today to keep the beast of those perceptions away, and the faith available is far superior to the alcohol I once used to fight the very same feelings.

At any rate, I am praying for you right now and will continue to remember you in my prayers. God Bless you, sir. May you find us and the Miracle of AA tonight.

Group, hope you don't mind the double post. Love to ya'll from Texas, Chuck.


Member: Colleen W
Location: De
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 22:48:17

Comments

Colleen. Alcoholic. Have been sober 6 mos. Still abusive to almost all around me. I am working hard on trying to think before I lash out. Especially against the children. I can see that it's hurting them and even though that hurts me I just can't seem to stop. I think it has gotten better in the last couple of weeks. As I tell my kids, if you try hard enough you can do anything. So I'm going to keep trying and keep sober. Cathy M - you like to read. A book that I found helpful is The Courage to Change by Dennis Wholey. Connie M love your philosophy on relationships. Might try being the right person myself if I can straighten out the relationships with myself and my children. Thanks to all for being here. I'll be back next week & will keep reading in between. F2f gives me a good feeling but so do you and I can get to you any time. That's so terrific!And I bet I'd never "meet" anyone from Belgium at my home group. Night all. I'm happy to say I'm going to sleep. NOT passing out.


Member: beth s.
Location: plano, texas
Date: 17 Mar 1999
Time: 23:02:04

Comments

Hi! beth,definitely alcoholic, and glad to be here. I started drinking at 15 and drank on and off for 15 years through two abusive marriages. I hit my bottom when I realized I couldn't live any more the way I was and yet didn't have the strength to kill myself. I would drink at night while my husband worked and my daughter slept. Then in the morning I was a bitch to everyone. Nights my husband was at home, I screamed or cried or tried to pretend everything was okay, until everyone was asleep so I could finally have my drinks which I mixed with antidepressants repeatedly. Other nights I would make up reasons to put my daughter to bed earlier and earlier so I could drink then hide the empty bottles so no one would know. When that wouldn't work, I would yell at my little girl for no reason and then cry while I begged her to forgive me. She was so confused and I was so sick and my solution was to try to drown my sorrows and all of my fears and then hide those bottles. After one of my husband and I's arguements that resulted in the arrival of the police, I took our daughter and left. Luckily I ended up at the house of my best friend, an AA member who gave me a choice, drink or deal with the disaster of my marriage and be able to take care of my daughter. My baby and the spirtual guidance by my friend kept me sober that night. When I walked into that first meeting, shaking horribly, one woman put it quite well. I could stay sober and call when I needed help, or I could call Child Protective Services and tell them to come take my daughter. That thought kept me sober until I learned the basic skills I need to live without my bottle. I really thought in the beginning that once I quit drinking and admited I had the problem that everything in my life would be perfect. But, my being sober did not improve my marriage. It did help me see how sick I had been and how abusive and destructive my marriage was. Without the wine to drown my fears, I had to face that this marriage was not a healthy one, for either one of us. After 1 year and almost 5 months of sobriety, many meetings, hours and hours of marriage counseling I left a very sick marriage because I realized it was leave or die because too much more time in such an abusive relationship I would have climbed back in my bottle, added my pills and never seen another morning. A year and a half after that I still work my sobriety on a day to day basis, but realizing that bottle meant death for me or the loss of my daughter keeps me sober today, and today is all I can handle, only that with the help of God and this program. I wish I could say that in the 2plus years I've been sober, my own abusive traits have disappeared, but of course they haven't. I still lose it sometimes, and yell at the people I love the most, but now I can at least see it and work to make amends ASAP. I can't let those resentments turn me into the sick monster I was. I have found such a wonderful life through this program. I have found a peace I never thought possible and my worst days sober are so very much better than my best day drunk. I am alive thanks to this program and grateful for every day I have. To the newcomers, please keep coming back, go to your local group, but don't give up! It's worth it!


Member: Jan S
Location: England
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 00:36:28

Comments

Hello - Jan here for the first time.

Good for you, Joke, 2 evenings now - they all add up, eh.

I started drinking some 10 years ago, when my father was first ill and having heart surgery. He died about 3 years ago. I know I can't blame other people for my anxiety or unhappiness, but I would urge anyone reading this to listen to people who are wanting to break down and cry about something - a loved one's health, loss of a job, whatever. I think there has been too much of this "be strong" and "chin up" business. I was surprised when I once early on admitted to a close colleague that I was feeling a bit depressed ... she basically said I couldn't be, as everyone else relied on me and so where did that put THEM if I lost it ... I started drinking a little bit then just to calm my anxious feelings, just so I could continue being the "Miss Happy-Go-Lucky" or "Miss Fix-It for everyone else" that people I knew seemed to only want to see. I still miss my Dad dreadfully, and more so as my Mum is one who just doesn't have "deep & meaningfuls" - she just gets on with things without ever talking about anything.

I am curious that people always mention their sponsors - what if you have distanced yourself from any friends you had left, who are you supposed to get to be your sponsor??


Member: derek a
Location: USA
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 00:41:52

Comments

Hi Derek, recovering alcoholic. Hang in there Joel, get to that meeting. We all are praying for you!!! We all hit bottom in different ways. Mine came after my felony drunk driving offense. Facing jail was almost as frightening as facing myself...almost. My higher power kept me from hurting others...physically....and from hurting myself..once again physically. Mentally I had beating myself and ALL the people close to me. Denial is so powerful. It's so easy to rationalize your problems and this disease. Enable yourself to believe the irrational. I thank god everyday for the person that I've become, but I fought it the whole way. The beginning...admitting that we were powerless...THAT WAS TOUGH!!! It was explained to me that when we use alcohol to deal with problems, besides creating more problems, we deprive ourselves of the maturity normally gained when dealing with problems or "life" the way that "healthy" do. I was in denial, what did make sense was that drinking got me in alot of trouble and I couldn't have that anymore. So I decided not to drink while I was trying to go through treatment at the Substance Abuse Clinic. That's where I learned and began working the first three steps. After several weeks of therapy, something seemed to click. Then it all made sense to me, which didn't make it easy, but made it capable for me to begin. Keep it simple. One day, one minute at a time. Remember it's simple, not easy; there's always someone there if you need them. I am so happy today and couldn't feel the way that I do if I hadn't received the help from you caring souls and my higher power. Thank you!!! As for the first topic, Alanon was my mom's choice and it worked for her. My dad has been sober for over ten years. If not for Alanon, she would probably still been enabling my dad to kill himself. I wish you all well and continued sobriety.


Member: Rhonda G
Location: dallas
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 01:18:37

Comments

Hi rhonda alcoholic. I have been abusive verbally to my husband in recovery. I am not proud of that. I was miserable and working the steps as best I could. I went to the other room Alanon and I learned that I thought so little of myself that he was an idiot for loving me much less staying with me. I came to AA unlovable in my eyes. Even God I believed couldn't love me. I prayed God forgive me constantly. When I started praying for his help things improved. I have a hard time showing my husband I love him but I am trying one day at a time. I am greatful to have the 12 steps and God in my life.


Member: Wendy W
Location: Phoenix
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 01:40:10

Comments

Hi Wendy alcoholic. Good for you Joke, it is This was the hardest, easiest thing to do. Getting sober. It takes time. Pray often. Are there meetings where you are? I suggest you go there and meet some sober people you can talk to. This is real different for a meeting, but reading this helps me remember, oh yeah, alcoholic :). When I can't get to a meeting next best thing, I guess. I will try it for awhile. God Bless. Love ya all.


Member: John F.
Location: Marienville,Pa
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 02:19:09

Comments

Hi my name is John and I'm an alcoholic. Ann, I would recommend that you explore AlA-NON.What you descibed was me 17months ago.I was verbally and becoming phyically abusive to my wife and children,the best thing they did for me was to leave and that to this day was my bottom.After all the lies over the years they would not return until I sought help.For myself I am very fortunate they have since returned and our relationship is slowly getting better.I don't know your situation so I can only tell you about my experience.I wish you well if you want to talk to someone my address is johnfarren24@hotmail.com


Member: Bonnie C - 5/30/80
Location: Seattle
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 04:02:11

Comments

thanks ((ann)) & ((john)) for 2 really great topics, how to cope w/abuse from sober members and getting started in AA-- TO cope w/abuse - get to alanon, the alcoholic is usually acting from confusion and pain which is covered w/anger. the closest usually get it. people will only treat you how you let them. your choice. you have to change your thinking. Getting started in AA. they told me when i got here to go to at least one meeting a day (sometimes I went to 3) to give this program the energy I had given my drinking, to get a big book, to read 60thru63 449thru452 and 83&84 daily, to get a sponsor with quite a bit of time that would call me on my bullshit and help me work the steps, to get phone numbers and use them BEFORE i took a drink. to hang out between meetings w/sober members. to pray daily upon waking for God to keep me sober today and before going to bed to thank Him, and anytime in between that i felt like taking a drink. to keep the plug in the jug and hug the rug, meaning dont drink and stay away from slippery places. i fell on my face on the living room rug many times as not to go out that door and get a drink. i stopped at a convienence store for cigarettes but knew if i went in i'd buy something to drink so i went to a place that didnt sell liquor that time to buy cigs. just respecting this disease that would kill me till God removed the desire for it. God helps those who help themselves. He won't keep you from taking that drink but He will remove the desire to drink if you do your part. You are responsible not to take that first drink. You do not have to drink ever again. It's not easy at first but this program does work and it gets easier and the miracles and blessings are immense. hang in there till yours happen. Thank God I did. I almost quit before mine. Dear God please bless all those that venture here, love and hugs, bon -- bonzoc@webtv.net


Member: Bonnie C - 5/30/80
Location: Seattle
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 04:03:29

Comments

Hi extended family, bonnie/alcoholic here (((ROOM-HUG))) thanks ((ann)) & ((john)) for 2 really great topics, how to cope w/abuse from sober members and getting started in AA-- TO cope w/abuse - get to alanon, the alcoholic is usually acting from confusion and pain which is covered w/anger. the closest usually get it. people will only treat you how you let them. your choice. you have to change your thinking. Getting started in AA. they told me when i got here to go to at least one meeting a day (sometimes I went to 3) to give this program the energy I had given my drinking, to get a big book, to read 60thru63 449thru452 and 83&84 daily, to get a sponsor with quite a bit of time that would call me on my bullshit and help me work the steps, to get phone numbers and use them BEFORE i took a drink. to hang out between meetings w/sober members. to pray daily upon waking for God to keep me sober today and before going to bed to thank Him, and anytime in between that i felt like taking a drink. to keep the plug in the jug and hug the rug, meaning dont drink and stay away from slippery places. i fell on my face on the living room rug many times as not to go out that door and get a drink. i stopped at a convienence store for cigarettes but knew if i went in i'd buy something to drink so i went to a place that didnt sell liquor that time to buy cigs. just respecting this disease that would kill me till God removed the desire for it. God helps those who help themselves. He won't keep you from taking that drink but He will remove the desire to drink if you do your part. You are responsible not to take that first drink. You do not have to drink ever again. It's not easy at first but this program does work and it gets easier and the miracles and blessings are immense. hang in there till yours happen. Thank God I did. I almost quit before mine. Dear God please bless all those that venture here, love and hugs, bon -- bonzoc@webtv.net


Member: Tony M
Location: Sydney, NSW
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 07:13:12

Comments

Hi all, from "down under". I'm Tony - a recovering alcoholic. Surfing with my new PC, I thought I'd find you guys hiding in here somewhere! 4 years sober and finally reaping the benefits. It takes time, as someone has already said. I heard an oldtimer once say: "Come and walk int he sunshine with us, brother!" I am now starting to understand what he meant. I can smell flowers and rain, see my children's eyes without the old fear in them, look at my wife knowing I have not let her down, and do more than one project at a time at work. I still procrastinate, but that's getting better. Alanon is definitely the answer to the first sharer's question: my wife can vouch for that. It's refreshing to see that we all "talk the talk" in a similar fashion despite our being thousands of miles apart. Thanks to those too who may not use English as a first language - we love to read your thoughts for they are worthy, valuable and beautiful. Ya'all coing to The Games? Heaps of great meetings here in Syney town. Come on down! God bless..Olympian Tony (Newtown Tuesday Night)


Member: Camo
Location: here not there
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 08:55:54

Comments

Relationships and starting out. Hmm, sounds familiar---

My most recent drunk occrred when I decided to put home, family, and relationships ahead of protecting my sobriety. Naturally I got drunk. I came back and started over, and "rocked the boat" at home by putting my sobriety first. I had to leave--at breakneck speed--to continue to do so. I am grateful that God helped me to get out. It was not worth drinking again to hang onto all the pieces of something that was broken beyond repair.

Royal people used to have a "whipping boy"; if the prince or princess behaved in a froggy fashion, their punishment was to watch their own whipping boy be whipped. Couples with alcoholism in the picture often seem to punish themselves by hurting each other--then feel guilty about it and have to start the process over. Working the steps can break that cycle.

I could not see that when I was drinking, and at times did not want to look at it in sobriety. I thank God that today I can put my sobriety before people, and I pray that I will keep doing that.

By the way, couples in recovery don't have perfect relationships either. But if we practice these principles in all our affairs like it says in the Big Book, it keeps getting better.

Remember it is better to one healthy person than to be half of a sick couple.


Member: Rick C.
Location: South East
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 11:14:01

Comments

My name is Rick and I am an alcoholic. The first topic is a little unclear. Is the abusive person in our fellowship? Are you the person being abused? If so, why are you still there? Are you in recovery? What did your sponsor say? What difference does it make what the alcoholic is trying to gain by being abusive? If you found out what they are trying to gain, would that make it easier for you to accept being abused?

If your like me, I begin to believe that if I know what it would really take to make you happy, and if I just did that thing that would make you really happy, then you would like me, respect me, be kind to me and our relationship would be perfect. I really begin to believe that if I just manage well, my life will be okay.

This is behavior that I have practiced for years. I hated me, so I knew that I needed to be on my best behavior around you or you would hate me also. If you were stronger than me and abusive to me, I had to have done something wrong to make you do it. If I was stronger than you, God help you.

I suffered from the delusion that through my actions I could exercise power over other people that would bring about the results that I wanted or thought I deserved. After all, if I do something WRONG, I am supposed to be punished, aren't I.

The real lifetime dilemma for me has been a lack of power combined with an intense self centered fear. A deadly combination, with the power to not only kill me, but kill people around me. The disease of alcoholism tells me that I absolutely must kill myself to survive.

Left with untreated alcoholism, I don't feel anger, I feel rage. I don't feel fear, I feel horror. I don't feel happy, I feel intense excitement and anticipation.

Today,only by the Grace of a loving and forgiving GOD, I know that I am HIS child, and I do not deserve any abuse from nor can I afford to be abusive to any other human being. I know today that all of us are HIS children, doing the very best we can with what we have. It is not my job to figure out why you are the way you are.

My focus today, has to be on my relationship with my Higher Power, and trying to practice the steps and traditions on a daily basis. I have faith that GOD will provide the answers if I only seek them through this fellowship.

Love and Respect, Rick C.


Member: Bonnie M.
Location: New Hampshire
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 13:19:47

Comments

Joel,

Just want to say hang in there, your not alone and please reach out for help-it's okay to do that today. Bonnie


Member: Karen L
Location: Salem, OR
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 14:39:43

Comments

Of course I needed to hear/see all this today! I was married for 22 years. We are both alcoholic/addicts. At 4 years sober I had to end the relationship, or end up one more time getting drunk again. I abused him alot with words and actions. I hated who I was sober. With the grace of God and diligent work on the steps I grew to love myself. Go figure, I got involved in a new relationship with a program member. It has gotten really ugly. We agreed to end it. I feel so sad yet so encouraged....I need to work on my own character defects, I do not want to be a victim anymore. I don't want to be abused, or be an abuser. This man has some truly wonderful qualities, but he also has alot of unresolved anger from his past. It is scary to let him go but scarier to stay. I pray for him daily, as I have tremendous faith in God and in the program of AA. I have much work to do on myself, I do not like who I have turned into lately. I have hope and I am willing to go to any lengths. Today the main thing is to remember that I am still clean and sober and Have not hurt anyone just for today. I am grateful to be a member. My sponsor tells me I have been moonwalking. She is right as always. Thanks for listening... As always I will keep coming back. Love to all.


Member: Jo
Location: Belgium
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 15:12:01

Comments

Hello, this is Jo. Thanks to Camo:

"It's better to be one healthy person than to be half of a sick couple".

I'll remember that!

This is my thirth evening of sobriety and what I miss the most are the poetic thoughts I had when I was drinking, the writing (in my Dutch language) and to 'feel' people, to call friends and to ask how they are doing, to talk with my husband. I miss my fantasies. I miss so much. I feel very good in the morning, so bad after diner. My 'sunny evenings' are gone... the sun changed into a lonely moon and everything is dark and full with rain, especially my hart and brain.

Day by day, isn't it?...

Why were some people not born with a tiny 'alcoholic feeling'?

Maybe I can find it in myself after all

I'll be reading you all tomorrow too. Thanks.


Member: Pierre S.
Location: Grapevine Tx
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 16:06:31

Comments

I'm an Alcoholic and my name is Pierre . Welcome all newcomers ! My post is not exactly " on topic" but I am compelled to answer some folks who are just looking to make a connection of some sort with someone who cares. There seem to be an awful lot of you out there asking questions about the disease and/ or desperately ready to seek help.

As so many before me have recommended, it is best to look up AA in your local phone directory and call them for the meeting schedule. Even if you're not sure if you're alcoholic, it's OK to go. Trust me, there is no pressure . We don't try to sell you anything. We have found a solution to our problem and we want to share that solution with anyone who wants it. No Strings Attached !

The members of AA understand because we've all been where you are. The message we try to share is one of hope. I too was a hopeless drunk over 14 years ago. I didn't think anyone understood or could feel as lonely and as bad as I did. When I began listening to the people in AA share their experience , strength and hope I realized for the first time that I was neither crazy nor alone. These poeple seemed happy and at peace with themselves and with the world and I was really attracted to what they had. They were only too happy to share their "secret" with me and that "secret" is in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

I tried it, although I didn't entirely believe it, I really WANTED to believe it. They helped me realize I couldn't fight this battle alone and they helped me through the 12 steps . Little by little my life changed.... I changed and my life is better today than it ever was !

To Jan S. from England ; A sponsor is usually someone we meet in Alcoholics to whom we can relate and who applies the Steps in their daily life. It is someone you are attracted to for the life they now lead. Many people start with what we call a Temporary Sponsor. The purpose of a sponsor is to help you through the Steps. My sponsor was someone I could trust, someone with whom I could truly get honest and talk about some things that I couldn't share in Meetings. He became my closest friend & confidante. He answered my questions and shared his experience on the Spriritual journey we call Recovery.

I have been blessed to share what was so freely given me with many people, as a Sponsor , since then and it really gives new meaning and purpose to my life . People who tell you to " be strong" and " keep your chin up " mean well but don't understand the disease . It is NOT a matter of willpower and that's very difficult for most people to understand . We care . Love and Prayers to all.


Member: Dale C.
Location: Deland,Fla.
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 23:24:58

Comments

Hey everyone! I"m Dale and I"m an Alcoholic and a dopefiend. Here in Centeral Fla. we have a new type of meeting called, Recovering Couples Anonymous,and alot of the information we have to run it was found here on the WEB. I,personally have had a change in my homelife that keeps me from attending and I miss it .Because, even after having put down my last drink on 9/17/90, I still can pull out your heart with my tonge. Look it up.?. .It will be worth your while. Let the "Force" be with you...


Member: Jim R.
Location: Chgo
Date: 18 Mar 1999
Time: 23:35:43

Comments

Hi, Jim, Grateful recovering Alcoholic here...

I abused my family every minute I Drank... I not only spent most of the money I made on me, without reguard for them... but I tried to control their every move... It's not suprising that 95% of the ammends I make today is for my family... it gives me pleasure satisfying their needs and not mine... I'am truely grateful to God and this program for providing me the strength and wisdom to see that It's not all about me anymore... I still must work on me in order to think more about others... It make sense, doesn't it?


Member: Christie L.
Location: Midwest
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 01:14:11

Comments

What would happen if I reached out to you?

Here is my experience.

I reached out to my mom about six years ago when my daughter was one. "Your father would find it very difficult if your never drank again" " Just tell yourself that you'll only have two drinks". Several years later, Dad: "just take four ibuprofens - and do your job (kids for me) - don't complain". Other family has "work hard play hard" ethic. Family who does'nt drink does all the work (food, child care, clean up....they are no fun!) at gatherings - the rest of us have fun.

Called AA, "I'm calling for information". "Are you an alcoholic?" ... CLICK. AA again, "Do you have any women's groups?" "No, are you an alcoholic?" ... CLICK. Went to AA info. location with my 3yr.old (it's my job) The woman who met us said hello to me, then to my son "Hi, I'm X and I'm an alcoholic" - could'nt leave fast enough.

Got up the courage to go to a mtg. by myself. The women were kind. I felt that for the first time in my life there were other people who understood the feeling of being powerless over alcohol; but they had such different life experiences from me that I felt uncomfortable and never went back (4 months ago).

I have to do something. My husband is angry with me ....I hate myself. Where do I go? I am a closet alcoholic. No one to which I can turn.... except my husband.... and he is angry and frustrated.


Member: Geri W
Location: Va
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 05:44:59

Comments

Geri, a very grateful alcoholic here.

Christi, here's what happens. We will share our experience, strength and hope with you. Because we know You never have to drink again. Even when you want to.

We have a secret that we will share with you. There is a program called AA that will lead you to a path through life that brings joy and peace into you life. It's a simple(not easy) program that is outlined in a book called Alcoholic Anon.(it's online) The book was written by the first 100 members of AA, led by a alcoholic named Bill Wilson.

AA welcomes all who want to join. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking( and in fact, all of those of us who didn't really WANT to stop).

My experience has been that the shame associated with being a drunk(like that better?) woman was so huge, it kept me alone with the problem until I reached the place that I had to get help or Die from the disease. So, with shame so big that I thought I would die from it, I called a sober woman(my birth sister) and sobbed "I need help". The rest is history. Over seven years later, I am still sober and leading a good life. It began with the admission, I need help.

My prayers are with you. Keep trying.


Member: Donna V.
Location: New York
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 09:06:25

Comments

Donna, The topic of abusing one's spouse really hit home for me. I actually don't have a spouse today due to the fact that I continue to verbally abuse my boyfriend. What makes this all the more frustrating is that I'm sober today, but I guess that's what they mean by "we come for our drinking and stay for our thinking". I identified with what Shannon L. said about there not always being enough time to ask God to help you not react. Most of the time I don't restain myself and wind up saying hurtful things, that can not be taken back, no matter how many amends I make. My abuse has put my boyfriend on the defensive which has resulted in there being very little peace in our home. I liked what I heard at a meeting, "if you think you don't have character defects, get into a relationship and you can see them all come out". I would greatly appreciate any suggestions. dvanderh@ix.netcom.com Thanks for letting me share.


Member: Jean-Claude T.
Location: Belgium
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 12:22:33

Comments

Hi everybody, My name is JC and I'man alcoholic. Sorry to post for the 2nd time this week. THIS IS FOR JOKE (no kiddin') : 4 times (today, yes?)24 hours it's great. But please, don't stay alone. Alone, I'm nothing, alcohol will catch me in the long run. With my AA friends I can keep on stopping to drink 1 day at a time. So please contact AA permanence in Belgium Dutch speaking is : 03/239.14.15. You can mail me "jc.toller@euronet.be" or phone 081/65.57.16 (ben in Brussel geboren en zo wat tweetalig). Could you switch over to the Coffee Pot on the same site, we canpost there everyday, here it is supposed to be once a week about the topic. Sorry for interrupting. God bless you all and give you one more day. JC


Member: Tom A.
Location: Carlisle, AR
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 13:13:26

Comments

Good Afternoon!

My name is Tom A. and I am an alcoholic, who is sober by the grace of God and this wonderful fellowship we know as Alcoholic's Anonymous.

Thank you Ann in the Midwest, and thank John out there in California for providing us with a week of lively discussion.

Ann, I'm sure you have received a wealth of good advice this week concerning your topic. I can only share from my experience as an alcoholic married to a non-alcoholic. Early in my sobriety it was pointed out to me that the 12 Traditions can teach much about relationships and I have found that to be good advice. The versions in Al-Anon and Alateen differ a little with AA version, but I can assure that when practiced on a daily basis things change. I was 28 years old when I entered AA and I am now 67 and I am still with my same wife of 45 years. I would also suggest that your read the chapters in the Big Book entitled "To Wives" and "The Family Afterward" they provide good advice for family relationships. Also my wife attends Open AA Meetings with me and we are fortunate to have an open discussion meeting in which both AA and Al-Anon actively participate. Many of our smaller communities have a hard time supporting both, so we opened our meetings and it is working. We both got our 38 years chip last year on July 25th.

John, your topic has been covered and I do believe you found some interested folk. I would simply add a few comments that have helped me. "Any damn fool can stay sober 24 hours," "The alcoholic is already two years late when they get here," and "most of us want eight years of sobriety in 72 hours." It is indeed as Charlie told me "the AA program is a whole lot of right now."

I appreciate everyone to participate each week on this Staying Cyber Discussion Meeting and I'm sure all those Loners and Internationalist do too.

God Bless - Tom A. ate@gte.net


Member: Diane C.
Location: Atlanta, GA
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 14:54:49

Comments

My name is Diane C. and I am the wife of an alcoholic. My husband has now been sober for 32 days and I believe he's going to make it this time. He has told me that one of the main differences about this time as opposed to the other times when he has failed, is that this time I am attending Al-Anon. Through Al-Anon I have finally accepted my husband's problem as the disease that it is. He was not doing it to hurt me or our children. I believed if he loved us enough he would stop. That could not be further from the truth. I have learned that I was just as sick as he was and played the classic roles of enabler, provoker and victim. I only wish I had learned about Al-Anon sooner and perhaps I could have saved us both a lot of grief. I believe the important thing for those of us who love an alcoholic is to recognize it as a family disease, to take a long hard look at ourselves and correct our own character defects. By doing so, we can not only help ourselves, but we are bound to have a positive effect on those around us. Through AA and Al-Anon, my husband and I are walking down the road to recovery together.

Thanks!


Member: carole f.
Location: st.lou,mo.
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 15:13:43

Comments

hi my name is carole and i'm an alcoholic,first visit here. been in the program for 11 yrs. i like to say that if you shake my family tree, alcoholics would fall out, for centuries, so would alanons. thank God i found the gift of A.A., and of Alanon! my husband is also recovering in this program[met him here]. one of my sons has about 5 mos. here also. i feel God has broke a very long chain of insanity and abuse of ourselves and others. there is nothing but solutions. today i have found the secret of dealing with life on lifes terms,steps 1,2,3,and action! love you all and may God continue to bless you all with His sanity and love!


Member: Meg J.
Location: Tennessee
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 16:32:49

Comments

Hi Everybody, I'm Meg, I am an alcoholic. I just found this website today and I think it is GREAT. I didn't get to my meeting last night and I've felt like crap all day. But, its afternoon now and I'll be in my meeting in a little while. I'm on my 40th day without a drink. I give all the credit to my God and to my AA family. This has been the hardest thing I've ever done but I keep reminding myself that all I have to do is make it through one more day w/o a drink and go to a meeting. Sorry I'm off the subject here. God bless.


Member: Floyd  C.
Location: Mtn. View, Ca.
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 19:42:37

Comments

I am here because I was there.The choice of topics was exellent.It started me thinking about my own experiences.Being very ill I went to a Dr..He questioned me about my life and suggested a series of examinations and tests.My first visit was on Feb.7 Each day was another test . He kept me from drinking by telling me it would mess up the tests.He said he wanted a blood test without alcohol so it would be accurate etc.On Feb. 10 he asked me what I thought should be done about my drinking.He mentioned Antabuse which didn't appeal to me. Then gave me THE NAME PAT AND A PHONE NO..He said if I called Pat he would introduce me to some people tha t had been successful in overcoming a drinking problem.I called Pat as advised and went to my first AA meeting that night Feb.10 1965 and although it was often difficult it has never been necessary to take a drink since. Thanks to the wonderful program and to all the marvelous people I have met over the years.If in doubt stay in the program it will be safer than out there. Love you all.


Member: ED C
Location: IOWA
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 19:47:59

Comments

ON THE FIRST SUBJECT I BELIEVE MANY OF THE OTHERS ARE RIGHT AND ALANON IS THE PLACE TO GO, I HAVE NEVER DRANK IN FRONT OF MY WIFE AS WE ARE BOTH SOBER MEMBERS OF AA, HOWEVER BECAUSE WE PUT THE DRINK DOWN DOES NOT MEAN WE ARE DONE YOU SEE MOST OF HAVE LIVING PROBLEMS AS WE TRY TO STEER OUR SHIP INSTEAD OF LETTING THE TRUE CAPTAIN GUIDE OUR WAY WE JUST KEEP PLUGGING AWAY AND HOPE WHEN WE TAKE THE WRONG ROUTE THE LONGER WE ARE SOBER, THE SOONER WE WILL SEE OUR HP'S WAY. AS FOR NEWCOMERS THIS IS MY FIRST ONLINE MEETING AND I HAVE BEEN AROUND THE PROGRAM FOR A LONG TIME, HAVE SOMEONE YOU CAN LOOK INTO THERI EYES WHEN VISITING, THAT'S WHEN ONE ALCOHOLIC CAN TRULY HELP ANOTHER, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING YOU CAN'T BULL____ A BULL__ER. SO TRY TO GO TO A MEETING EVERY DAY GET A SPONSOR LISTEN FOR THE COMMONALITIES IN PEOPLE AND NOT THE DIFFERENCES AND OH YEAH IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE PEOPLE IN THAT PARTICULAR MEETING PICK A DIFFERENT ONE. ONE DAY A TIME AND KEEP IT SIMPLE


Member: Lindsay O.
Location: Milford, NH
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 20:21:55

Comments

I'm Lindsay O. I've been sober for6 weeks this is a record for me out of a treatment setting. My fiance Gene Z. is a big help, sometimes he is a giant pain inthe ass too. I guess it's because we're both newly sober. Things do seem to be getting better between us everyday now. The cops have stopped coming to the house. I love him madly and with the same determination I used to drink I'm going to make this relationship work. P.S. Where's Tobie the poodle? My poodle Sophie is patiently waiting to hear from her. Sophie has pancreatitis, but I swear it's not from drinking.


Member: Gene Z
Location: Milford NH
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 20:40:47

Comments

Hi all, Not all relationships are abusive. Sometimes you get what you give. Remember the Beatles lyric " the love that you take is equal to the love you make." It sad to see any form of abuse,but all to often it's a worn out saying that gets applied to any and all problems in a relationship. Me and Lindsay have been through a lot. We're still together and still very much in love. We do have disagreements but can communicate the memories and feelings behind the problems. So love is still very much alive.Sometimes the hardest part is dealing with A.A. members who are sour grapes about others relationships.Perhaps too scared to really look in the mirror from someone close to you that really knows you.


Member: Dee L.
Location: Kansas
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 22:09:28

Comments

HI Group, My name is Dee and i m addicted to any thing that changes me from the neck up. I m glad i found you and want to get sobriety back into my life, Hope we can all help each other here. Had sobriety once and lost it But by the grace of God I ll be back. Just for today and in Gods care love to all Dee


Member: Steve F.
Location: Wenham, MA
Date: 19 Mar 1999
Time: 22:47:54

Comments

Hi, I'm Steve, an alcoholic and former Midwesterner.

For Christi L. - don't despair, don't give up. Find another AA meeting to go to. Maybe a beginner's meeting. Keep going. Ask for help. That's what I did 28 days ago, after 37 years of struggle.

Also, check out the "coffee pot" section of this website. It's not exactly a chat room, but you can post there at least once a day, and talk about anything you want. I'll look for your message there tomorrow (3/20). I care about you.


Member: Michelle D.
Location: Indiana
Date: 20 Mar 1999
Time: 07:45:46

Comments

Hi. I really like this site and am glad for all the comments from the oldtimers. I am going back, three times a charm, to meetings today. Have been sober for up to 1 year, three monthes after having my kids. I am not nor have been in an abusive relationship, but I do have a tough situation that my husband and my family all drink pretty regularily which makes recovery tougher. Does anyone have any suggestions on that subject as well as suggestions on what to eat to keep the blood sugar levels at bay? Taking it one day at a time! God Bless all of you! Michelle


Member: cathym
Location:
Date: 20 Mar 1999
Time: 09:29:52

Comments

Every single time I do this, I get disconnected! Once again, if this is the second note, my apologies. Larry, thank you again. You are a very good person, I think. Joke and Christie, I think we are alike. Yes, Joke, we should help each other. I've been off this page for almost a week, because I've been trying to find other things to distract me. I haven't had any wine for almost two weeks. I attribute it to the times I'm on this page and being scared to death. I have no excuses . . . my parents did not drink too much, were crazy about us kids, and I have a nice husband . . . so what's with me? After these two weeks, I find myself happier and with more energy than I've had in a long time . . . so why do I do it? Thank you for being here. I really think your prayers are working.


Member: Jack C.
Location: Boston
Date: 20 Mar 1999
Time: 12:44:42

Comments

Hi. I'm Jack, and I'm an alcoholic.

This is my first visit to this Web site, and I would like to say 'thanks' to everyone who has sent in comments this week. Reading your comments has been a big help to me this morning.

On the subject of spousal abuse, I never physically abused my wife, and the extent of my verbal abuse was limited to occasional expressions of anger; I was angry because she was angry with me. But she had good reason to be upset. Because I have abused her in many other ways. Like coming home drunk and being unable to even ask her how her day was. Not showing up for my daughter's birthday party. Losing my job and the income we counted on so she could be a full-time mother to a baby and a toddler. And believe me, the list goes on.

I'm sober now--for today--but my wife and I are separated. She tossed me out of the house and, in my opinion, she did what she had to do in order to protect herself and our kid. I'm also realizing now, with help from people like you, that she gave me a gift of sorts when she made me leave our home. As I heard someone say at a meeting just this morning, I'm from the 2" by 4" school: I needed a whack on the side of the head with a heavy piece of lumber to wake up to the fact that my drinking was a threat to me as well as to the very people I love the most.

I wish my wife had given Al-anon more of a chance than she did (2 meetings, no more), only because I think it would have helped her. But, of course, I can't change that. She's still angry, but I believe that--if I stick with the program, go to meetings, ask for help, talk to my sponsor, do the best I can, and stay sober--there's a chance that someday I can make amends to her and change how she feels. There's no guarantee of the results I want even if I do all those things, which is something else I just have to accept now.

It ain't easy, as you all know. But my wife, my daughter, and I are all better off this way than if my wife had let me continue living at home and drinking. If getting thrown out of the house is what it took to get my attention, well, I can be grateful today that I got the boot.

Thanks for listening. I look forward to visiting this site often.


Member: Mary Pat L.
Location: South Bend  IN
Date: 20 Mar 1999
Time: 19:53:22

Comments

My name is Mary Pat and I am an alcoholic. I have been continuously sober for 13 years. When I came to AA I was married and my spouse still drank. I tried to save the marriage but he was angry I quit drinking. I believe that by working the steps things do get better. We alcoholics do great damage to our families and it takes time to make amends. I viewed myself as a total victim for a long time. I have come to realize that I allowed many things to occur in my marriage because I was so full of fear. I couldn't imagine being alone. When I sobered up I began a relationship with God and He has helped me through many tough times.


Member: Christie L.
Location: Midwest
Date: 20 Mar 1999
Time: 22:22:12

Comments

This site has truly helped me so far (48 hours).

To Cathym - I have the same feeling that you expressed - about you, Joke, and me. I was interested to read your comment on the Susan Powter book, and look forward to reading it. Have you read Mary Tyler Moore's autobiography? I would like to hear more from you - but am aware of the once per week posting request. I will check out the other sites to see if you may be there as well.

To Joke - I recognize the pattern that you described. I too drink one night, feel horrible and guilty the next day and night and swear to myself that I will not continue this cycle. The second day I feel better, accomplish all sorts of things, and do all the great things with my kids that I should do every day (games, art, parks, biking, etc.) Then comes the evening....wow I'm so proud of myself....see I can do all the things I want to do and should do...the alcohol is not really ruining my life. So I pick up a big bottle of wine or lots of beer as a reward....and here I go again.

I have realized more and more lately that this every other day habit really doesn't work. The day after I am a mess. It is so unhealthy (and I am kind of a health nut, if that is possible!) And I also scare myself and my husband - occasional blackouts and the possibility of alcohol poisoning.

With my pattern, this should be my night back to drinking. But I am not. I am here, and for that I would like to thank you all.