Hi I'm Mark and I'm an alcoholic.
Welcome to the Staying Cyber meeting of A.A.
This weeks topic is FEELING DIFFERENT.
Since I was a little kid I always felt different from everybody else. I never felt like I fit in. I was always uncomfortable around other people, and felt like I was the only person who thought like I did. Then I found alcohol. It was right before my 13th birthday. WOW was it great, all of a sudden I felt like I fit in, I could talk to people, and I felt comfortable. It made me feel like everybody else (or how I thought they felt) It was the beginning of the end. I drank and did other things for 20 years. My life spun out of control. I was getting in trouble, losing relationships, and wanting to commit suicide. Then on March 13, 1994 I killed someone in an accident while I was drinking. That was the last night I drank. I used to joke with a friend of mine about going out getting drunk and being somebody. I look back now and realize it wasn't really a joke. I'd spent my whole life running away from how I felt about myself, because I felt different.
When I come into this God given program, I did what was suggested to me to do. I got a sponsor, went to a lot of meetings (still do), and started working the steps. I was told my life would get better, it did, and still is getting better. I can talk to people, be truly comfortable, let them know who I really am, and how I really feel.
I still don't feel like I fit in sometimes today, and that I'm different. That happens when I'm not working my program, I'm not talking to my HP (GOD), or not taking care of myself physically. When I do the things that this program suggests my life is good.
Someone told me when I first came to the rooms that: No matter what I think, someone has thought it before. No matter what I feel, someone has felt it before. No matter what I've done, someone has done it before.
I guess I'm not so different after all.
Have a sober week!
I love that last paragraph, thanks!
I have one year of sobriety and am 'white knuckling' it right now, problems on the job....
FEELING DIFFERENT is such a great topic because it has happened to me. Things were going bad, my serenity wasn't there but it was replaced with plenty of anger, I felt really off. Then the topic at my meeting was following God's will, not your own. TA-DA, answer!!! That's exactly what was going wrong, I wasn't doing things God's way. I prayed for strength to follow His will and not my own and the serenty came back. The feeling of balance came back. Now I have to get myself back to that place while I decide what to do about my work situation and Let go and Let God.
Hello my name is Gary A and i am an alocholic. i have been sober for 21 years now and i still can remember feeling different The most important thing i can remember about feeling different, started when i was very young and alochol made me the life of the party crowd, or so i thought, And soon after joining aa groups i started the hear mirror story's , which i thought where about me, and upon finding a good sponsor , I soon found out , what i had in common with these people. and all i had to do was not bend my elbow ( take another drink) sounded easy as all get out, Well did i have a thing or two to learn, feeling different, no way i said , but soon the osmosis started to affect me and i found the only true friends i had ever known, and a road to recovery , and all I had to do was learn how to follow it, anger at the school system , my family , and friends for not telling me, who i became when i drank , soon surfaced, and i had to learn to forgive and forget old traits,and learn that feeling different could mean , belonging , having friends, and making a difference in some ones life I still dont have a very good relationship with my kids, but i know this will pass and i cant change a thing i did , and all i can do is make them feel different , by my absolute refusal to play the games i taught them so well and do i " Feel different" you bet thanks to all of you sharing with me for the last 21 years
Thank you for your share Mark. I am Dougie and I am alcoholic.
Every so often, someone's share goes beyond an opportunity for identification, and into the realms of parallel experience.. Your story is one such as this.
My childhood memories are just as yours, I was unable to fit in. I failed school, sports, friends, family. My drinking careerr began at 13 and spanned twenty years. My drinking ended in similar circumstances, though I thank God nobody actually died. This was more by accident than design, as I drove drunk and was stopped by an astute and intrepid policeman. A few days later I went out to crucify my neighbour on his own doorframe. Thank God for my wife and her al-anon programme. She gently suggested that I check out my thinking with a friend before I did drive the nails home. That led me to a psychiatrist, and the moment passed. A week later I reached the jumping off point, and chose to ask God for a day sober. He has never let me down since, so I ask him every day. Those separate and egocentric feelings are the things that keep me away from the happiness, joy and freedom of recovery. There was a time when the petty beaureaucracies of life did not aply to me. Keep off the grass meant leave a nice lawn for me to walk on. No litter did not include me. No drink driving did not include me. REcovery from alcoholism did not include me. My sponsor set me a task, to scour the Big Book and find the sentance that says except Doug. It is not there.This is available for any alcoholic, no matter how far or how little down the road of addiction that they have gone. There is one other S.A.D. attitude that ill keep me from getting well. That lack of trust and different feeling will kick in an argument which proves perfect against the programme of AA. It is a three word argument and wll defeat any part of the 12x12 or BB. That argument is "Yes, but, what if".
Try it in any of the literature. "Rarely have we seen a person fail...Yes but, what iff I ....." You see the programme dying infront of your eyes. I had to learn that a life run on self will had not worked out and that I ought to folllow someone else's agenda. Today I put everything passed my sponsor. I do not like what he says some of the time, but he sure acts as a mirror to my thinking and allows me to look at my train of thought. I have to learn to be constaantly in the service of others and not self.
God Bless Doug.
FEELING DIFFERENT. Once it meant one thing and now it means something completely different. Like others I was isolated in the world and so wrapped up in myself I had no idea what others were feeling and whether or not my feelings were normal or abnormal. Drinking and drugging seemed to alleviate this difference or my caring about it. It seems odd in retrospect that I felt different at a time now that I believe I wasn't feeling much of anything. Numbing myself felt like it baselined me to the rest of the world for the time it lasted. Then I began needing more and more while it worked less and less. Miserable became the overwhelming feeling and a way of life. Stages of feeling different was the dynamic, overriding purpose of my existence. Whether self inflicted or alcohol or drug induced or plain a moment of actually being different I neither had a a clue nor knew my way out of the maze as the tools at hand had quit working.
Sobriety: now I am FEELING DIFFERENT and it feels marvelous. Regardless of the feelings being experienced at any given moment in time they are now more capable of being identified with an incredible set of tools for managing them if necessary. I have 11 years of continuous sobriety that have altered my life and touched my core. It's a goood day everyday...
when i came to AA 16 years ago last month, I didn't know what feeling different really was. Before I drank and while I drank I didn't think I was different or that others were. Only through sobriety have I recognized what it's like to feel different. Early associates, most with many years of sobriety stressed to me that I was merely returning to what was normal for me. Once I achieved that plateau, I could be in a position to determine if changes were needed to my life. As it turned out, returning to the underlying and hidden Harry was 75 percent of the personality change that was needed. Of course, the profound personality change occured when I was free of alcohol and the desire for alcohol. For about 15 years now I have been back to a place where being at parties, events and places where alcohol is being consumed do not bother me in the least. But I am not complacent. I know who and what I am and keep my sobriety foroemost in perspective.
My name is Rick and I am an alcoholic. Feeling different... For me this has been a problem steming from my complete self-centeredness. I "feel different" because most of the time I forget about God's will and am trying to run the world as I see fit. In this there is little room for peace of mind and serenity. I try to remember that what I think I'm feeling may not be so important compared to my actions! Someone shared with me that I was judged by my action, not my thoughts, feelings, intentions. I'm not sure if feeling different is based in alcoholism or my humanness and I don't think it really matters. What does matter is that I am sober today! If I am feeling different today it is usually a form of self-pity. I don't enjoy these negative feeling like I used to in early sobriety so I try to let them go as quickly as possible today. Thanks to all who have shared on this new topic. Godspeed...
"Feeling Different" all right. 5 straight days of sobriety for what seems like the first time ever. (Actually it has been about 20 years.) A real test was last night (day six) when my wife and I had a dinner party to attend. This group always has a wide selection of bee and then wine with dinner. Most of this regular group drinks, but nobody as heavily and quickly as I did. I was really frightened that my tough week would be for naught after this night. Well, I drank water during happy hour and dinner...with a full glass of wine sitting right in front of me. Five days of visiting this site (sometimes more than once a day) gave me the strength to ..be.. different; differnet from the way I have (always) been, and different from those around me. I came home excited and clear headed- and my wife said she was proud of me. Different is better. I pray I can keep this going...
Some of my earliest memories are of knowing, not just feeling, that I was different from other people. Maybe because of my perverse alcoholic thinking, I liked it. Fitting in has been important to me sometimes, but not at the expense of my true self. This doesn't mean I enjoy feeling uncomfortable around other people. It helps me to remember that almost everyone has some level of discomfort in many situations. Just because I can't hear their thoughts, or recognize their coping behavior, doesn't mean that they're comfortable and I'm weird because I'm not comfortable. I've discovered that sometimes when I'm feeling uncomfortable, out of balance with my true self, it's because I'm feeling and acting self-centered. It shows me that I'm overly concerned with what others think of me. Coming to this realization has been a process that's taken many years of not drinking, taking regular full and spot check inventories and many talks with my sponsor and other trustworthy people. My brain was so damaged when I first got sober that I couldn't think clearly enough to make the simplest decisions necessary for daily living, let alone sort out my feelings. I once broke into tears over trying to decide which shampoo to use on my hair. (My sponsor's kind suggestion that I buy and use only one type of shampoo solved that tough problem.) Something that helps ground me in saner thinking is the inscription on my sobriety medallions - "To thy own self be true."
Hi I'm ken and a alcoholic,feeling different. Like other alcoholic's I felt dirrerent when I was going to school I felt everbody was laughing at me or pointing me out for something or talking about me and that I didn't fit in with them.When booze came into my life at 15 it took all those feeling away. But after 35 years of drinking at people the road came to a detour with a policeman directing traffic.Instead of a ticket for impaired driving (d.w.I.)he gave some phone numbers to call if I thought I had a drinking problem, that was just about 18 yrs. ago. When I got my 1st meeting I was pased the anger part and full of HATE for the whole world and everybody in it myself the most.It took me a while sober to start looking at me because I didn't trust the people who where trying to help me they kept coming and picking me up to go to meeting and phone me to see if I was ok. Till one night my sponsor was taking me to a meeting I was doing a little poor me, when he said look a-- hole (he was the cop directing traffic and knew a little history on me and thought ken was an alias I used to go underground) you better deceiced if your and alcoholic or a heavy drinker and read page 449 of the BB there it was for me I drank at all 3.
PS on feeling different in my drinking days when somebody said lets have a party I had a lighting draw on my walet for a couple of bottles one for the party and one just incase the party got dry or a couple of 6 packs for when the beer joint closed. Today when I see a message from the sec. of this group about a cash short fall I have to be honest with me and remember if it wasn't for this program and the people in it who share there experience, strength,and hope that I would be doing a lot of time in some institution or looking up at 6'of ground.
thanks for letting me share ken e
Hello,GinC. here,and yes,I have always felt different.I think some of this feeling can and perhaps should not go away, in my particular case.As an artist,one must indeed both feel and be a little different.I beleive this is unavoidableif you're an artist.Even so,in all other regards,we indeed are not so very different.Things are not quite what I would have them be,but this is partly due to my own shortcomings.This cybermeeting is going to be a boon to my program,if I can ever get proficient enough.In the meantime,keep on with meetings,etc.; and remember,If you always do what you always did,you'll always get what you always got....serenity and sobriety to all, newcomers, hang in there......
Hello,GinC. here,and yes,I have always felt different.I think some of this feeling can and perhaps should not go away, in my particular case.As an artist,one must indeed both feel and be a little different.I beleive this is unavoidableif you're an artist.Even so,in all other regards,we indeed are not so very different.Things are not quite what I would have them be,but this is partly due to my own shortcomings.This cybermeeting is going to be a boon to my program,if I can ever get proficient enough.In the meantime,keep on with meetings,etc.; and remember,If you always do what you always did,you'll always get what you always got....serenity and sobriety to all, newcomers, hang in there......
WOW!!! Now I am starting to realize that I am not so "different" hearing all these stories makes me feel like there are lots of people out there just like me. However, I do know exactly how it feels to be different. I feel different now in the present more than I ever did when I was in a drunkin' haze. I started drinking and using when I was the ripe old age of 11 years old. I am now 34 years old and have been sober for almost 3 years. Since I started using at such an early age I did'nt allow myself to grow emotionally and in some respects mentally. IWhen I first decided to become clean and sober I was terrified because I did'nt know what to expect from myself. I also had a hard time getting myself to be around sober people because I wasn't sure if I was going to be excepted for the way I was naturally instead of intoxicated. Pretty soon as I grew more and more into this comfortable suit of sobriety, I have become quit comfortable and now I am able to deal with everyday stressors on a sober note. I do feel different every now and then because I know that I can't drink like everyone else. Which sometimes makes me feel kind of left out. Sometimes I think some of my friend who drink probably feel uncomfortable around me because I cant join in on their "buzz". Little do they know, I have had enough "buzzes" to last a life time. I guess what I am getting at is it's ok to be different. I think that those of us who have found the strength and serenity to become sober and be willing to accept our disease are very lucky because we have been able to see life from both sides of the fence. Having a lot respect for either side. Thanx for letting me share. :-)
I am an alcoholic and my name is Sandi.
I too have felt different all of my life. That proverbial round peg trying to fit into the square hole. I have been sober 21 years and still feel different. I don't feel different because I don't drink and have the occasion to be around people who did drink. I am just starting to realize who I am and just how much I have changed and how much more I need to work on myself. Quite an eye opener after these few 24 hours in the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have learned or am learning that it is okay to be me, it is okay to feel different. God's gift to me was my life and what I do with my life is my gift to her. I wish you all another 24 hours of sobriety.
Hello everyone. My name's George and I'm an alcoholic.
What a good topic this is for me! I felt that I was different from humanity at a very young age. I was a shy child who thought that if I didn't talk much, I was better off. I became introverted because of my fear to interact with others.
Alcohol seemed to take that fear away. After a nip or two that fear left me. But when the booze wore off, my fears returned. So when I was about nine years old, alcohol became my best friend. Instead of learning about my feelings, I learned how to avoid them.
I spent the next twentyone years masking myself with alcohol. Instead of learning coping skills, I fled from my feelings by hitting the bottle.
I was so far in my CAVE when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous that it took over three years for me to start to understand my feelings. I identified with someone in the program when she shared "It took three years to get my brain out of hock and another two to unscramble it".
At thirtyseven years old and seven years in A.A., I'm accepting my feelings and learning a great deal about myself from them.
I'm excited about this journey we call SOBRIETY. One day at a time IT gets better. We're IT
One of the most precious treasures I have today was finding out that I was not so different. I was an adopted child, fat in a thin family, and unfortunately displayed before many people because I had a gift of music. Then, of course, I ended up being an alcoholic in a family that didn't approve of drinking and never allowed liquor of any kind in the house. At my first meeting of AA, I found people who were as nervous and shakey as I was, who smoked as much as I did. Of course at that time I was still remarkable and unique because I certainly wasn't like any of them. But they were wo kind to me. They kept telling me to come back. I didn't last very long. But I did go back. It lasted three years that time. But I just couldn't connect to the higher power for help. I also had a life style that had to be changed. So I went back out there to do some more controlled drinking. I almost made it to jail that time. Today, I am different and grateful. I have found joy, while my drinking friends are bitter. I am also aware that what I do-impacts others. Instead of saying to myself well that's just too bad-I am sensitized through this program to continue trying to reach out to others knowing the only way I can do that is to stumble through my own feelings and throughts in front of you. Sometimes I'm just confused-I get in over my head thinking too much. What always works is I have to think-pray for insight and then probably the most basic of all-go back to a meeting. I think I'll take it for another 24.
Feeling Different.... I came to the Fellowship only because I felt that I had paid enough dues and this was a society into which I totally fit in. The honest sharing and the format of the meetings (support for the newcomer) helped me find acceptance in my problem and the hope that through my "family" inside the halls, that I could get better a day at a time. The concept of getting better has changed and evolved slowly over the 5 years I've been sober. Over time I realized that in order to recover, I would have to uncover and discover about myself the things that I hid from through my use and abuse. I came to understand that the underpinnings of who I was was distorted. I had hid so long from myself and my issues, that I didn't honestly remember what they were. I had to search deep inside (with honest and with a God of my understanding, who was forgiving, patient and compassionate) for the root of my dis-ease. When I came into the rooms, I didn't fully realize that it was feeling different and uncomfortable about myself had been the cause of my using. Still, inside the halls, I experienced this same feeling. I've had to learn how to re-parent myself and to soothe my insecurities. I often ask God for the strength just to face myself and my many misconceptions. I'm slowly inching my way towards wholeness through this program of recovery. "Hearing" others share their experience, strength and hope, gives me hope and a feeling of kindredship. Today, I believe in my future. I remember once hearing someone share in a meeting that if something she said was new to you, then you just had not been to enough meetings. Together We Can!! Thanks for this opportunity to share.
nov3 my nameis ole 0 and i don;t know whether i amn th e right room or not i am 86yrs old and inA. a.a. 41 year just had my aa birthday and i hav e enjoyed every moment of same meet my wife in aa 38years ago and will close as i am new and want to learn more about this program
ole
Feeling Different to me just comes down to fear. Whenever I feel different, if I look hard enough, I always seem to find fear. And, as I read through this meeting, I am struck by a lot of people mentioning self-centeredness....I have been feeling different lately. White-knuckling it, it seems, more and more lately. Now I'm asking myself, "when's the last time you did a good inventory?" Think I'll try that tonight. Thanks, everyone.
Feeling Different.... Today, because of my faith in my higher power, I can feel different. It is so wonderful to be living a spiritual progam today. That is how I am feeling different. It is a new and strange feeling today to try to live by morals and principles. I am so grateful that the program and the people in it have taught me a new way to live. I watched a movie on tv last nite about a alcoholic mother who beat her children because of her own pain and anger. Boy did that hit home! I'm glad to feel different today and give my family the love they deserve. Nice to see your comments on here Ole O. Thanks, Kelle C
Hi I'm Jessie and I'm an alcoholic. I've been having a rough time with this disease. I have started to feel the guilt of the things I done in the past. Does anyone have any kind of feedback about this?
Alex here, alcoholic,
I have been feeling different. But it is the same different I have always felt. Strange, odd, outside of everthing sometimes outside myself. That is when I usually took a drink. I recognize that feeling now and know that drinking will not help or change it, it will only put me back on the road to destruction. I can't go there anymore. Time to go to a meeting, time to read the big book, time to take inventory, time to get close to AA. I get these feelings when I have been ouside to long by myself. Stay close the the program, stay close to sobriety. That was advice I was given early on and it always works. Stay close.
Hi, my name is Scott and I'm an alcoholic. Mark told my childhood story except I didn't find booze until I was 17. For the first time in my life I was comfortable in my own skin. It continued to work for about 10 years, then I was no longer able to drink enough to be comfortable. It took me three more years to find aa. When I walk in the door of aa, I felt different until I became a part of the program by attending the same meetings every week. When I start to feel different now, I find getting more involved somehow in aa solves the problem.
P.S. This is my first post to this group, a friend turned me onto it. I celebrated 5 years last week.
testing
Hi everyone, Phil recovering alcoholic here with much humility because the me in the past was always alone because "I" felt different never understanding myself or why others treated me the way "they" did remembers from where I've come. From the inappropriate behaviors which others observed I cut myself off from relating to others and drank so I wouldn't care. Never wanted to stop or change because there was a vicious circle to prove harder and harder that I was OK. Me is alright.
When I look back after many years the guilt is overwhelming. If I do that then I can be put right back into looking for the quick fix to "feel better". If honesty is there and I WILL DO ANYTHING to change then, darn it, this cycle must be broke and I have to take my eyes off 'poor me'.
I definitely feel different today because I am sincere in seeking a life in which "I" am the not the most important. This is true spirituality, when we are no longer ruling. God, his will and putting others first. Most people are not interested or sincere in this. Second, I feel different because just in the last day or so I have started to see that in accomplishing any of this it's not a matter of trying hard to do anything (that was part of the old way which didn't work anyways). It's a matter of BEING. BEING WILLING and ACCEPTING. It's not a matter of doing any'thing', but a state of mind to do the things that are revealed to me whether my mind says "Gee I should go to a meeting" or "I should read the Big Book" or "I should find a way to spend more time with my family". WHATEVER.
One thing that helped me to resolve my quilt was a passage of scripture in Isaih 55 vs 6 where God says he will have mercy and pardon. Knowing our "feeling different" problem that we won't feel the relief of guilt he reassures us just the same that IT IS ACCOMPLISHED in vs 8 because "as the heavens are higher that the earth, so are My ways higher that your ways" are higher than the earth, so are My wasy higher that your ways.
My name is Barbara and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks, Mark, for the topic. I heard people talk about "feeling different" often in my first years of sobriety, and I so identified with it. Our 5th Step talks about this, too: about our feeling like actors who suddenly "did not know a line of our parts."
What happened for me was that I learned I wasn't perfect, and that I didn't have to be. I was simply part of the human race, one among many, a worker among workers and a friend among friends. I learned that that was a good thing to be. All I had to do was try to live in the best way that I could and to try to help somebody else. It seems as simple as that to me today.
We cannot change the past. We cannot know the future. But we can live to good purpose, today. The Steps have been the way to deal with guilt and restitution for what has already happened, as well as a blueprint for living, today, a day at a time.
Welcome to the newcomers this week, and peace to all -
My name is Linda K. and I am an alcoholic and drug addict and glad to have found this site. I have been unable to get to as many meetings as I did this last 8 months or so, since I have moved further into the country and have accepted responsibility for caring for a 79 year old woman in addition to my full time job - this will be a tremendous tool to use.
With reference to this week's topic - feeling different - I felt different from the time I was a small child - I wanted to be an androgynous Native American living about 300 years ago. Or I saw myself as an outlaw of sorts always on the edge of things - but I wore it as a badge. I surrendered to alcohol and drugs in 1977 and stayed sober almost five years with the help of AA. I moved across the country with my young son and did NOT contact an intergroup ahead of time to hook up with meetings. I got involved instead in lots of community volunteer work trying to meet people and fit in and started drinking right along again. It is amazing that I lasted as long as I did and It is ONLY by the grace of God that I made it back into the program almost a year ago.
Feeling different now? You bet! So much has changed for the better in my life and I am very content. Am not living in my head like I used to and being truly grateful for the many miracles I experience each day - the sound of the geese flying overhead, the kids trick or treating , not waking up in the morning feeling horrible and frightened of what I might of done the night before. I just like to look for God's clues and follow them - it is such a thrill to be sober.
And a pleasure to have found this group.
Me name is Rick and I am an alcoholic.I have always felt different, alone and inferior. I started drinking at age 14 because I thought it helped me fit in. I was not all of the things I hated about myself when I was drinking. I also drank to have a good time and again fit into a situation I felt different in. If I was angry I drank. If I was happy I drank. It didn't matter what the situation was alcohol made it easier. Until I came into AA I thought I was the only one to ever feel this way. My family was raised to only put a good face on life. It was not appropriate to complain. As I grew up I built a wonderful wall of respectability that the world saw. Inside I hated myself and if someone made me angry they got a full blast of the rage I felt. A drink made the hurt less painful. Today I realize how egotistical that is. The insanity that takes over in our lives is amazing to me. I need to hear other's stories to keep me in reality. I am coming up on my first birthday in AA and I thank God for the difference in my life. I work the steps everyday to the best of my ability. Thank you God and all members of AA.
Page 67 ... Big Book of AA
This short word, (FEAR) touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and coroding thread; the fabric of our existance was shot through with it.
IT SET IN MOTION TRAINS OF CIRCUMSTANCES WHICH BROUGHT US MISFORTUNE WE FELT WE DIDN'T DESERVE.
But did not we, OURSELVES, set the ball rolling?
This could well be the most revealing sentence written in the Big Book for me... Guess what happens when I neglect to include GOD in my daily activities.... Fear starts and I become the victim... Pour me..... If you had my wife you'd drink too, etc...etc...etc... add nauseum.. I call it DOS 2.0... the old program that runs in my head.
The solution seems to be:
Go to a meeting and share, Invite God to participate in my head throughout the day.... Surrender and LET GO OF THE RESULTS! Help some other poor sole that seems to be struggling hear on this classroom of ours called Earth.
Whamo! Instant relief..Better than a drink.. better than huffing glue... better than a back scratch on a hot day....
Love Perry H in Pennsylvania... USA :)
Hi, i'm Rich, I am an alcoholic.33 years ago I did not want to feel different, I wanted to fit in. I started drinking with friends on weekends, then weekends and wednesdays and more frequently all the time feeling not so different. It took me a long long time to realize I was feeling different. My drinking was required by me for socializing, not socializing, feeling different or feeling not so different. Drinking became my way of doing whatever there was to do. Alcohol was an ingredient if not the main one. I planned events so it was by my side.The time and effort to make sure alcohol was always available makes me wonder today how I ever concieved such grand plans. Today I feel different, but in a good way for I know sobriety is my way to make sense of what I might share with others.
Time to pass the hat folks... There are no dues or fees for AA membership, but we do need those contributions to help cover expenses.. All additional income goes straight to General Srevice Office of A.A. to help carry the message...If you would like to donate.. please go the the "Pas the Hat" section of this site. Thanks The Treasurer: Perry H.
FEELING DIFFERENT -- unfortunately, I always felt that I was the one who knew the most, who fit in the best, who could survive any trouble, almost leap tall buildings....etc. I could handle anything, and I seemingly did for many years. I feel different because for me my alcoholism did not seem to affect my life and the people around me until I was in my late 30's. My former husband drank too much, my sister and brother had drug and alcohol problems, but I was "fine". I rarely drank and never became involved in the drug culture. My husband at the time was a binge drinker and I spent time working with him and trying to "manage" it all. I managed to raise two beautiful children, was divorced from their father after 17 years of trying to be the perfect wife and mother, had gone back to school full-time when my kids were two and five years old -- you know the type. In the past few years I have lost that feeling of being in control. I began to understand that old statement that "just when you start to think you know all of the answers, you probably don't even know the questions." I had come to rely on alcohol to help me feel better. Now I was no longer in control. Now I had to admit that I, too, could have problems. I thank God for helping me to become aware of my powerlessness and my need for his ever present guidance and love. Four years ago I remarried a wonderful man. We live in a residence attached to our/his fine dining establishment. The restaurant closes at about 10 p.m. and he was away quite a bit. My nights without that perfect structure I once had became perfect opportunities to drink. I didn't need to go out. I had quit for many months at a time but always seemed to convince myself that now I could handle it. The other night I tricked myself again. I had a few cocktails by myself and realized that even though I started to have these realizations and problems a little later in my life, I am the same as any alcoholic at any age. Alcoholism truly knows no barriers. I have only attended a few A.A. meetings so far but I feel wonderful about not feeling different there.
Bring the body... The Mind will follow! Boy can I identify with Karen.
FEELING DIFFERENT: Great topic. I too have always felt different. I have always looked at myself as the black sheep of the family. However giving myself this label, gave me lots of excuses to drink. I find that if I spend too much time with "earth people" people who don't understand the disease, I start thinking insanely again. I need to go to meetings and be with others who know what it feels like to be me. I need to be with other recovering people who can give me suggestions on how to live in the world out there. I am not unique, but I am different. In many ways, now that I'm in the program, I feel that I can relate to the human race better, I am more compassionate and understanding than a lot of "earth people" It's great to be different in this sense. Thanks to all for being here, second time posting, love this site.
Hi all I'm Cherise and I'm an alcoholic. Mark this is a great topic. I can start out by identifying with Lynn. I too was adopted and found out by my peers in school. I think that was the beginning of my not fitting in. I got teased and tormented about me not being good enough for my parents to want me. Then it only got worse after that. I always tried to fit in with whatever group I happened to be standing with even if they hated other people I associated with I would hate whoever they hated just to fit in for the moment.(people pleasing) As I got older and my drinking increased, I then did not fit in with my girlfriends, because they made me feel so much different when out drinking. They would have a wine spritzer, and stop. I could not do that. It was hard liqour and I couldn't stop. Everytime we went out they would leave at a reasonable hour and I would usually close the bar. I just didn't fit in anywhere and hated myself inside so kept drinking more to kill the pain.
After being in recovery, in the beginning I really didn't feel like I fit in all over again. But I went to alot of meetings speaker meetings mostly) and realized I do feel alot of the same things these people feel. I'm not so different. I had a hard time fitting in with the women, because guys were easier to hide my true feelings from, but I learned to go to women luncheons and have more women friends, and it really isn't as scary as I thought it was. Today I am grateful that God has shown me it doesn't matter what other people think anymore as long as I am living his Will for me and not my own. I don't have to fit in everywhere, but I know I really fit in in AA and with my new family and friends here. Thanks you all for being here especially the newcomers!!!!
I felt like I was different since I can remember, even before I started drinking at age 12. When I walked into my first meeting in June 83', I believed I was different but wait... so were the people in these AA mettings. I came to realize that we are different from others. There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those who can drink and us. Of course I have some other small differences that are obvious. I am a 40 year old,balding contractor that cant drink. Next.
Thanks for being here for me. God bless.
My name is Rick, and I'm an alcoholic. Like everyone else, I too felt different; and, upon reflection I was. I was different because my extreme self-centeredness kept me apart from others. With the help of God and AA I have found out that I am just like other people, and I've known this for just about 15 years in recovery. Sadly, this feeling of difference from others can remain a problem in recovery unless we address the selfishness and self-centeredness that plagues us. Fortunately, I have a daily reprieve from that as long as my spiritual condition is sound. I'm grateful I'm here, and I'm grateful you're there.
I always used to have that feeling that I was different too. Like I had that big hole in my stomach. I always felt out of place. When I’m at a meeting I feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I feel like I’m home.
Like everyone else something inside myself was empty all my growing up, which was about 12yrs. old and that's what they say about your maturity now some times I feel out of sorts yet but I fake it till I'm gonna make it I ask god for help each day and I'm so very grateful to be alive and sober by the grace of god and you people sobriety is my key to freedom.and feeling a good different today!!
My name is Cathie D. and I am an alcoholic, and have been one since my first drink. I to have always felt different from others around me and drinking gave me a tool to forget all the pain. My little helful tool turned on me in a bad way and at least I know now that I don't have the strength to fight my way back from another session of "maybe this drink will be different" I have found in AA that I am not alone and not so different. Thanks for the chance to speak.
Hi I'm Barry and I'm an alcoholic,
I always felt different too. Through childhood, and my adult life. When I came to AA over the years I was different also, I always knew and admitted I was an alcoholic, and that drinking caused problems for me. But My life was'nt Unmanageble, I did'nt believe in a God, or need one to help me live, I did'nt need a Moral inventory. I was DIFFERENT from you people I did'nt need Steps, Traditions, or any God to keep me sober, I could do it with my WILL and INTELLECT.
Well to make a long story short, I spent 12 years trying to stay sober, hanging around AA a while, staying Dry for a while own my own, then back to the Booze. Going further and further down each time, until I finally was Spiritually, Emotionally, and almost Physically DEAD.
The last time I went to rehab, I surrendered, I realized I was DIFFERENT. I was more Stupid, Bullheaded, Arrogant, Closed Minded, Judgemental, Than anyone I could think of. I started to listen and follow directions. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, just be willing to believe in some Power Greater than Me, and don't DRINK TODAY.
I've done these thinks to the best of my ability I have a Higher Power in my life today, I have true friends, I have a meaningful relationship, I'm learning how to love and let others love me. The promises are coming true in my life, and the compulsion to drink has left me.
I am GREATFUL the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the people in it, and my Higher Power. For none of it was my doing.
Thanks
I'm Laura, an alcoholic/addict, and DIFFERENT. Always felt different, but liked to be different. Hated mediocrity...wanted more than everyone else wanted from life, etc. Cherise said something that hit home: "I had a hard time fitting in with women..." But I didn't know why. I always thought it was because women were catty, back stabbers. But I think what Cherise said was true for me. I could hide my true feelings and my true self around the guys. Most were not necessarily interested in how I felt inside (mostly how I felt on the outside). Thanks for opening my eyes. Now I'm trying to work on my love/sex/relationship addiction. I thought quitting booze and dope was tough!!! Thanks, all, for being here. I learn alot from the words you write and I'm thankful that I stumbled onto this site last week. God Bless All. Laura from El Paso
I'm Bob and I'm an alcoholic. I can recall many times when my friends would warn me of the danger I was putting myself in when I drank. My response was always, "Nothing bad will ever happen to me, I'm different, I know how to handle my liqour." Well needless to say those words would come to haunt because those bad things did happen to me and it was because I couldn't handle the liqour. I am so grateful for the path AA has given me to follow that I will never have to feel different or alown again. Thank You all for your wonderful comments. God bless all of you.
Hi my name is Rob and I am an alcoholic.
When I was out their, struggling to find out who and what I was I always felt apart from everyone, desperation, guilt, remorse, were apart of my every day existence. The only releif from these ugly feelings was to drink. When i drank I felt a part of the crowd and not quite so different. Pride and ego also play a part of this disease as well, Wanting to be different and taking ridiculous measures to be noticed as different were also a of my acting out while in the disease. I see now that this was just a method in which to be noticed, a cry for help and for recognition. Today, being able to see and accept the past clearly, helps me to accept that I am different. Heck, I am Rob, A unique Human with alot of ability, respect, love and consideration. I am different, I never want to forget that. For it was when , in the disease, that I didn't want to be different, that consumed me, drove me to seek ways in which to negate or minimize the feeling of "being different". Today it is through my acknowledgment and acceptance of the disease within, of myself and others that I can now learn to grow and accept that I am different. What a true joy that is.
Thankyou all for my sobriety, go in peace and I wish you all another 24 hours of sobriety.
Hello everyone, my name is Pete and Im an alcoholic.
Today I can wake up in the morning and not have to reach for that bottle to try and take the edge off that hangover. I don't have to feel that first blast come right back up followed by the dry heaves and the retching. I don't have to follow this with another shot and another, till that pain is replaced by numbness. My hand doesn't shake, my eyes aren't all bloodshot, and I have color back in my face.
Thanks to that unearned gift from my HP which I know as Grace, I feel different today and it's wonderful. Thanks for reading. Keep coming.
Pete
Many blessings to all in sobriety.
Hi I am Kathy and I am an alcholic. On the topic FEELING DIFFERENT, I was the shy type. Never fit in anywhere just stood by not talking just hanging. At about 13 I reealized that with the help of alcohol I could talk. This was great!!! This went on for about 10 years with small breaks here and there and the alcohol was not good enough anymore. I searched for that feeling anywhere and everywhere. Finally at 30 and with an unmanageable life I found AA. I didnt feel like I belonged here either until I started to open up to people and actually trust them. I am still a newcomer with 90 days who now feels like this is where I belong and fit in. This is my first time sharing at this meeting and would like to thank everybody for being here.
Hi Im Missy..Im an alcholic and an addict. feeling different..oh yeah! I haave finally learned to love feeling different. I believe we are different as "alcoholics", esspecially since I have been graced with the gift of sobriety. What a wonderful foorgiving God to have chosen me out of the many who suffer with these disease and bring me into the rooms of AA. I have tried to "FIT In" for so long I damn near killed myself. Today I am free to be sober, to have fun, to live, to make choices, and to BE DIFFerent and I'm loving it! Thanks to all people like you. Thanks for sharing
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Thanks to all for sharing! The worst feeling of "difference" was attending meetings for many many years, maintaining years of "dry" and still "feeling different". I did this while attending meetings on a regular basis but after several years, I would once again turn to alcohol! After doing this on three different occasions, somehow, something clicked and I realized that I had to "totally surrender", which was something that I had not a clue about before! And you know what? It really worked! These past almost five years now, I have had experienced the happiness, joy and freedom that the program promises! No longer am I in control of my life, but now, my HP (God as I choose to call Him) has total control!
What a freedom and blessing! Thank heavens, that AA has never closed its doors to those of us that have had to struggle and held ourselves apart for too long! Thank God, that my HP had allowed me the space and time to return and find recovery! I am no different from anyone else in this fellowship! Just your average drunk that has been able to put the cork in the bottle and learn to live life on life's terms...but, not Alone....never Alone, anymore! Thanks, all! Rita (from Indy)
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