Member: Mark W.
Location: St. Louis
Date: July 27, 2002
Time: 10:39 AM
Gosh, so many others with the same problem! I was in the situation where I quit at my wife's insistance, then had to live with her drinking. She expected to go to the bar two to four times a week. I managed to keep up this schedule for several years, and stay sober. The people at the bar delivered my iced tea, and a pitcher on our arrival. It seemed that they were always smiling to see us arrive. I guess I never got revolting while there and not drinking. Had I been drinking, I am sure that their attitude would have been different, as I could get obnoxious when drinking. Well. it is now six years after I sobered up. The wife is now ex, as I declined the invitations to the bar eventually. I told her I chose to no longer go. It ended our marriage, what there was of it. I still love her, but our lifes are headed in different directions. Life still holds its challenges, and there have been many, but today I trust the higher power to care for me. The weight of the world is no longer on me. For those who are living the life of one who has chosen to sober up, but the spouce or significant other has not, it CAN be done. Just like in meetings, other's experience, strength and hope leads us forward to a better life. The no major changes in life the first year is good advice. Who know what we will do before we learn the methods of handling those things that stess us without the alcohol to run to? I am on line often, and would be happy to be an ear for anyone facing the trials of living with a non sober mate. I wish everyone here could follow the steps that help people get and stay sober: Read the Big Book, go to meetings, get a sponcer. Once one is willing to go to any lengths, it becomes quite possible to do all three of the above. Our dis-ease is cunning, baffleing, and powerful. The three above will allow a reprieve from the insanity. Hugs to all, Mark W. LMW007@aol.com
Member: Margie DOS 8/26/01
Location: New York
Date: July 27, 2002
Time: 10:47 AM
Hi Family, my name is Margie, a grateful recovering alcoholic and addict. ((((Stephany M))) Big congratulations on going to your meetings! I so relate to how you feel about your husband and friends. When I first came in, about five years ago, I was smoking weed all day everyday, and drinking every night. I was not the biggest party animal out of my group, so they thought I was nuts to put myself in a rehab. My husband was my d&d buddie, but he did see my insanity and was very supportive of the rehab, anything to get me some help, but not AA. He thought that was a disgrace to admit to. I learned in AA that I had to walk over all of the bodies preventing me from my journey in recovery. Now he sees how much it helps me. He still does not care to understand AA and the program. I think he is also scared that I will drift away from him with all the new friends I have made. He doesn't drink like I did, and he put down the drugs on his own five years ago. But there are so many good changes that have occured in our relationship, all due to AA and me working on me. I wish you much luck, Stephany, it will only get better!! I live on Long Island, my email address is mpetti@optonline.net Please email me. I would love to talk with you. Maybe we live near each other. (((Madelaine))) If you are unwilling to go to a meeting please read the Alcoholics Anonymous Book, we call it the "Big Book". Read it from the first page. The first pages up to 164 is how to recover from alcoholism, in the last part, there are stories that you may identify with. Please try and go to a meeting. It has saved my life. I thought I could do it on my own, and ended up in an isolating self made hell. We alkies and addicts need support from other alkies and addicts, that is how this program has worked so well for so many, for so long. If we don't, our minds and disease will tell us many things we don't and can't use to stay sober. We all feel the same feelings, and insecurities, so please try some more meetings. I wish you the best. I am sorry I am taking up so much room. I have one more month until I can do that I guess. Selfish alkie that I am, I am going to use it. This is a very good topic for me. This is my second time at getting so close to a year. My longer stretch was 23 months. In that first year I had recieved many gifts from God. We were able to buy our first home, after many attempts when using. I also became pregnant with my third boy, my first sober baby. What blessings! I however, put them ahead of recovery. I stopped, slowly, going to meetings and eventually relapsed. Never thought I would, I experienced the spiritual awakening that is talked about in the Big Book, my desire was totally lifted. My thinking had swithed. I thought I was cured. But this is a disease that is insidious, tells me I don't have one. I picked up like there was nothing stopping me, and there wasn't. I had slowly lost my support from AA, my sponsor, my relationship with my HP and eventually I forgot to practice my steps, my new way of thinking. I was powerless without all of that in my life, daily. Today I have good sobriety, I make the effort. I need to make a major decision regarding my lifestyle. I need to help my husband support our family financially. I have never done that before. I had always used others to support me, to scared to fail, I had to do everything perfect. I know God will provide, thanks to AA, and the steps, I am able to see things with hope and with faith. I never had that before recovery. Everything was a worry. I have confidence in myself that I never had before. Because I know I can do all things with God's love and with the suuport of my loving AA friends I so vehemently acquired this time around. I am taking the job hunt slow, but I am doing the foot work. That is all I can do. Thanks for letting me share, for so long a post as well. May you all have a blessed 24 hours. Like our cherished ((Annie K)) says, "Life is a dance if you know the steps". Love Margie
Member: Ed
Location: Canada
Date: July 27, 2002
Time: 11:42 AM
Madelaine E You were wondering if you could stay sober without going to meetings. I think that you have the two most important ingredients needed to stay sober your desire to do so and your belief in God. I have been living happily sober for close to eight years now and find the thought of having a drink now quite repulsive. Perhaps I have just been lucky as I have never been to an actual face to face AA meeting, however, I am sure that I am not all that special and that there are probably many thousands of people that have gotten sober without going to meetings. I have read the Big Book several times and try to live by its suggestions and I have learned a lot from all the wonderful people on the Coffee Pot. You might want to give it a try.
Member: Jay L.
Location: Arizona
Date: July 27, 2002
Time: 12:26 PM
"Making Decisions in Early Recovery" is a great topic for me. My last drink was February 8, 2001 and major decisions for me have been numerous. I got into a relationship with a great woman, whose also in another recovery program and we've done very well together and are very happy. I'm going to college with a graduation date of May 2004 and am currently studying for the November 2002 CPA exam. I was told to do none of these things while I was early on in recovery, but I found it necessary to not waste any more of my life, as I'm into my mid-forties now. The challenge for me, is to balance my program, along with the rest of my life. I wish I knew of more people who were studying for major exams and in recovery. I need to have more contact with recovering people who are 'out there' in the world striving to achieve. At any rate, life is better for me today as I'm able to achieve more than ever, but I must remember to stay close to what got me here in the first place. Thanks for the topic.
Member: Annie M
Location: NY
Date: July 27, 2002
Time: 05:56 PM
((Techs)) Thanks so much for allowing us to post more than once. Much appreciated. And thanks again for this site!! Living with an active alkie/druggie is not easy, as the problems are two-fold. Not only is there alcohol in our homes, but the irrationality of the active personality is quite difficult to stomach when we are sober (for me, at least). ((Vivien)) you described my situation -- hubbie drinks every night, but does not loose control. Maybe 4, maybe 6, but seemily in control. But does freak if he doesn't drink, and is a bastard when he is hung over. I was a one-night-a-weekend drinker for many years, but as the disease progressed, not only did I drink more than once a week, but I got sloppy, loud, angry, and blacked out. But I always said that I drank because "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Well, my husband may or may not be placing his life in jeopardy, but I certainly ended up in jeopardy. Blacking out and falling down where I could have hit my head was what finally stopped me. How have I stayed stopped for 70 days, with him drinking? Well, I suppose a lot of it is my stubborn will. I know in AA we are supposed to learn to be less willful and to go with the will of God, but I think that if I gave up my will, I would drink. What works for me is going to meetings, talking to other AA's, this site, and remembering very clearly how unhappy and unhealthy I was when I drank, and that, I CANNOT HAVE JUST ONE. I can never go back out and be a normal drinker. Good luck to us all. Anne (a725alm@aol.com)
Member: kirsten m.
Location:
Date: July 27, 2002
Time: 06:43 PM
hi, just feeling sorry for myself and doing the AA search on the web. I want to go to a meeting tonight, but I am still too hungover. I hope I make it to one. I am 31 with 2 kids and I am an alcoholic. I am so sick of myself and drinking. I have been to many a meeting on the past, but alas, I didn't stick to it. I am scared for myself and my kids and the crazy life that is taking over. It's getting worse all the time. Last night was bad. I only remember the first drink and I have a very long blackout. I came out of the blackout with my husband punching me in the face. The first time ever. So I freak out and get everyone involved (we were camping) and as it turns out, this morning he tells me he was only trying to get me to stop coz I was beating on him in front of the kids. Jesus what is going on here? I dropped the baby - that's twice now. I am so sorry about everything.
Member: RobinA
Location: rjamato@hotmail.com
Date: July 27, 2002
Time: 09:25 PM
Hello~my name is Robin and I am an alcoholic and addict of MORE here... Gosh, (((Kirsten)))...First: Remember WE will love you until you can love yourself. I too, was a drunken Mom when I came into the fellowship of AA. I was full of shame, guilt and remorse. I have learned (through this program and the steps) that I did the best I could with what I had available at the time. I wasn't a "bad Mom trying to get good, I was a sick Mom trying to get well" I had to stop beating myself up and get into recovery at all costs. I can only share my opinion with you but I do believe you should (only my suggestion here) get yourself signed into treatment NOW, before it is too late. Next time you blackout you may come to in a jail cell, charged with child abuse, neglect, domestic violence...and many other things up to the worst of all~which I will leave blank (as I am sure you know what I mean) You need help and you need it now! I too was a blackout drinker and even now I get sick to my stomach thinking of what I had done with or without knowing exactly what it was I had done. I signed myself into the hospital and for that I am grateful~it was the start of a wonderful life for me. Please: Get help now!
Member: Sanders Watford DOS 9-6-75
Location: Graceville, oysterland, FL.
Date: July 27, 2002
Time: 11:48 PM
Hi All Y'all, I am very definitely a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders. Lots of very good stuff on here, and I can only add this. You have to want to get sober and be willing to go to any length to get it. You can get sober in spite of anyone else and their drinking. You might prepare yourself for the fact that you and your spouse may not stay together when you do get sober for a while, but that is something you have to be prepared for later on. Many do not like us when we get sober, because they have lost a drinking buddy. It is not easy to get and stay sober, but it sure is worth it. It takes a mighty good man or woman to get and stay sober, and I wish you all the luck, prayers and support in the world as you trudge the road of happy destiny. I always post my Emil address and if you feel I can be of any help to any one of you, please feel free to contact me and I'll share any way I can. Good luck and God bless. Sanders & Little Fella sanders@wfeca.net
Member: Sanders Watford DOS 9-6-75
Location: Graceville, oysterland, FL.
Date: July 27, 2002
Time: 11:50 PM
Hi All Y'all, I am very definitely a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders. Lots of very good stuff on here, and I can only add this. You have to want to get sober and be willing to go to any length to get it. You can get sober in spite of anyone else and their drinking. You might prepare yourself for the fact that you and your spouse may not stay together when you do get sober for a while, but that is something you have to be prepared for later on. Many do not like us when we get sober, because they have lost a drinking buddy. It is not easy to get and stay sober, but it sure is worth it. It takes a mighty good man or woman to get and stay sober, and I wish you all the luck, prayers and support in the world as you trudge the road of happy destiny. I always post my Emil address and if you feel I can be of any help to any one of you, please feel free to contact me and I'll share any way I can. Good luck and God bless. Sanders & Little Fella sanders@wfeca.net
Member: The crazy world of Avril G
Location: Belgium via Barnsley UK
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 12:02 AM
{{{{{{KIRSTEN}}}}}}} I was a 29 year old mother of two when I came to AA. I do not know to this day how I did not have my kids taken into care. CALL YOUR LOCAL AA HELPLINE NOW!!!! I am 48 now, with 12 years of sonriety. OK, so you have tried AA meetings before, I 'tried' AA for 7 years before the penny finally dropped, and I started to recover. One of the best days of my life in recovery for me was to see my eldest daughter get married 3 years ago, and to have her take me by the hand, and introduce me to all her friends and work colleagues. This was a girl who as a child I had dropped on a couple of occasions, and I almost burned both my kids alive when I set fire to my kitchen in a blackout. This girl who was once completely ashamed to tell anyone I was her mother, on her wedding day proudly told everyone, 'This is me mam and me best friend.' And lots of people told me, 'I wish I had a relationship like that with my kids, Emma talks about you all the time, she thinks the world of you' If anyone had told me a few years ago that this was possible, I would never have believed them. Feel free to e-mail me, but first CALL AA. Go back to meetings, and this time stick at it. YOU need never drink again if you don't want to. ~~*SOBRIETY ROCKS*~~ goodallavril2000@yahoo.co.uk
Member:
Location:
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 12:24 AM
Of course alcoholics are also eligible for our sister fellowship ALANON which will help with the problem of living with a drinker. AA members in Alanon are known as 'Double Winners' Those unable/unwilling (for the moment) to get to real world AA meetings, checkout the following site, whihc has online voice activated AA meetings. AA is listed under tha category Health Related/Parenting. http://www.paltalk.com
Member: sonia
Location: uk
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 04:12 AM
Kirsten, I am a 36 year old mother of One, I spent 16 months mesing about with this disease going to counselling and AA, I am now sober, for nearrly two years now. I know it seems impossible, getting sober did appear impossible to me, but i knew i could do one day sober, just do one day, get in touch with AA, go to as many meetings as you can (the kids might miss you a little but they will miss you alot when you are no longer there), so for now, just for now, get to as many meetings as possible, get as many phone numbers as possible, do anything, but dont have a drink, and one day at a time the day will come when you dont even think of a drink. Your choice. I know it doesnt feel like one but it is, you have a choice, drinking and death and insanity. Fucking painful sobriety leading then wonderful sobriety.
Member: J-Rae
Location: N.D.
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 05:24 AM
J-Rae, alcoholic here. Great topic. I will share what happened to me. I went into treatment at 36 yrs. of age, and had 4 children, 2 from a previous marriage, and 2 with the man I was married to at the time of going into treatment. I was served divorce papers and an ex-parte parent interim order one week into treatment. Changes? I'd been kicked out of my home, had my children taken, (the two oldest went to different parts of the country),lost my job, and was in a different state, going to treatment for help with my drugging and drinking, and like it or not, CHANGES WERE OCCURRING. I cracked up laughing at a meeting when they said, "No big changes in the first year" Then I bauled hysterically, thinking, "These people just don't get it, do they?" Well, 'those' people also told me to keep coming back, that I was in the right place, and loved me and cared for me. Everything in my life was a crisis. If there wasn't a crisis, I could make one in a hurry. I didn't even think I was alcoholic, just addicted to marijuanna and 'abused' alcohol. (That's what a counselor had told me a year prior to going into treatment). I introduced myself as 'a drug addict who desires not to drink', because I didn't want to get kicked out of an AA meeting, too.(The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking). I was a REAL alcoholic, and didn't even know it until I hung around AA a while and related to all those 'alkies' stories, feelings, fears, etc. Then, I slowly came to the conclusion that 'I must have this thing'. Alcoholism. Cunning. Baffling. Powerful. I'd found a temporary sponsor before leaving treatment, not just because it was 'strongly suggested', but because I didn't know how I'd survive life out of treatment. My parents, who got me to treatment, thought that treatment was the 'cure' for being 'an addict who drank'. They are still plagued with the 'stigma' of their daughter being an alcoholic. The REAL change started happening within myself. Because I admitted, slowly, that I was powerless over alcohol, that my life had become unmanageable. Then, I tried working the steps to the best of my ability. (My best wasn't too good, either). BUT, I kept coming back. I got a permanent sponsor. I read the Big Book, and STUDY this basic text. I understand that I need to go to any lengths DAILY to not take that first drink. I start my day talking to my HP(Whom I choose to call GOD today), grabbing a conscious contact with Him and ask for direction and guidance for each day. I thank Him at night, and my miserable hopeless lonely disgusting life is no longer miserable, hopeless, lonely and disgusting. I do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. I love life today and hope to be able to help others afflicted with this disease to find the way out of the dark dispairing cloud of the sickness alcoholism creates. Today, I am living life to the best of my ability, by the grace of God, and with the support and fellowship of other alcoholics in recovery. I am living in the SOLUTION and not the PROBLEM today. I know and accept that I will not be perfect. If I want a different life than the one I led before, I have to live differently. I never want to return to that dark pit of despair and hopelessness. I have insurance against that today....AA. I still attend several meetings a week. Not because I HAVE to, but because I WANT to. Life is no longer a crisis. It is a great journey that I take and share with others who have this disease. Easy? No. SIMPLE, though, when I follow the directions. As someone else here has stated, "Life is a dance when you follow the steps" (You know who you are, sister, even though I can't remember your name at the moment). I can laugh at my silly mistakes today and learn from them, and insist on having fun living this life. There are some major changes I actually DIDN'T make that first year: I didn't change my occupation. I didn't change my name (Couldn't till the divorce took place-over two years later) The changes that took place that first year were NOT IN MY CONTROL. That includes the changes that took place inside me that the HP changed through AA. I needed that year, and then some, to find out who I really was and develop ideals of who and what I wanted to be. I had used up so much of my life living a lie, I didn't know who or what I was or wanted to be. I am finding that out, one day at a time, through AA, trudging this road of happy destiny. Thanks for letting me share. -J-Rae, a grateful alcoholic.
Member: zz
Location:
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 09:20 AM
zz
Member: Beth H.
Location: Turtle Island
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 09:43 AM
Hi - back again. Just reading all your posts makes me feel hopeful. I didn't quite survive the night with the in-laws. Everytime I said "no thanks", they all looked at me like I had two heads (kind of the way sober people look at me when I'm tanked :]). Mom-in-law even asked if I was pregnant! My sis-in-law announced that her husband has started going to Al-Anon, and she raised her glass and they all sarcastically toasted him. Just going there, being in that toxic environment, I set myself up to fail. Eventually I broke down and had just one beer. Somehow it turned into 7. When I woke up the next morning I felt the usual guilt shame fear sickness, etc. I was alcohol-free all day yesterday, despite my husband having three pints with lunch (I had water) and then downing a 12-pack of strong beer at night (I had herbal tea). Funny how those thoughts kept looming in my mind: It's not fair that he can drink and I can't; I can't stand him when he's drunk, I better join in; he's putting this temptation here, it'll be his fault if I get drunk... I've often made him responsible for my drinking. I feel good today, but I'm also aware that I didn't really want to drink yesterday. I wasn't overwhelmed with craving. I know I can't do this myself - I've tried and failed many times. I don't know what to expect tonight, but I'm going to that meeting. I'm not going to plan a speech, or imagine the future. I just want to walk in that room and LET IT ALL GO. I'm sick of trying to be strong and have willpower. I need the people who know what to do to show me. Wish me luck everyone, thanks for your help, and I will keep coming back here just to read your stories and keep my spirits up.
Member: stephany m
Location: new york
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 10:35 AM
Hi everyone, Stephany, alcoholic here (again lol) Today is day 6. I am feeling much better today. I went to two meetings yesterday. The second was because hubby called me from the golf course hammered 5 hours after he was supposed to be home.So, I went to the meeting, came home and got a good night sleep. This morning, I really didn't know how to handle what had occurred last night, so I prayed to my HP to let his will take over. He has done that today.((((beth))) I feel like I am looking in a mirror when I read your posts. Go to the meeting. Go to two or three or four a day if you have to. Thanks to all who post here and allow me to. It is a HUGE help. My e-mail address is stefm1@aol.com if anyone wants to talk. I love to chat and it really helps to know that you all care.Love to you all, God bless. Stef
Member: kirsten m.
Location: montreal
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 10:40 AM
hi, kirsten here. Okay, so I now have 24 hours. I felt as sick this morning as yesterday, so I now it had to be very bad friday night. Although I rarely do it, yesterday was a day I really wanted a beer to soothe the pain of the hangover. But the remorse kept me from it. I am more deeply embarrassed today. I feel desperate to do a 4th, but I feel in my heart it is only to appease my low self worth right now. I can't thank you guys enough for acknowledging my post. I cried and I felt hopeful about the day. I have to say I need more of a kick in the butt, coz I didn;t have the guts to go to a meeting. I feel like an idiot for putting myself through this again. I need to get over myself and get to a meeting. Asked God to help me for my kids sake. I sure hope he's listening.
Member: Curtis L
Location: Goliad, Texas
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 11:10 AM
I'm an alcoholic named Curtis. I am in awe and tremendously grateful for all the new soberity posting here. I never want to forget what it was like. At about one month sober, I left my house about 1 a.m. to go look for my 17 year old son. In a town with a population of less than 30,000 it didn't take too long to find him, since I knew some of his habits. Also, I was looking for my pickup truck that he was driving. He was at a "friends" house and after I got him to come to the door, I took him home and left my truck. He'd smoked three joints and drank eight beers according to him, and we were to leave at 8 a.m. to take him back to school at a military academy. Welcome to soberity. ~~~~~~~ For me, I had to embrace some of the principles of Alanon, and although it took four more years for me to let him go, I finally turned him over to the God of my understanding by praying "God, I'm his biological father, but I can't help him. Please take care of him." In the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), there is a chapter to the wives. It also pertains to fathers, husbands, sons, and daughters. And, cousins, aunts, uncles, or friends of an active drinker. It helped me a lot. I don't attend Alanon meetings, but my wife of ten years is also an alcoholic and has been sober for sixteen years. I've been sober for seventeen. My son that I mentioned got sober within months of me ceasing to try "to help him" and stayed sober for five years. He and his wife, whom he met in AA, have decided that they can drink sociallly. None of my business. I love them, but don't chose to spend much time around them even thought their youngest is my namesake III. You never have to take another drink if you don't want to. Love and Hugs in the fellowship, Curtis
Member: Rebecca
Location: Fl.
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 11:57 AM
(((Beth))) (((Stephany))) (((Kirsten))) All hugs and love to you ((((for the silent ones))) I'm Rebecca- a discovering alcoholic. Like Curtis said in his last line, "You never have to take another drink of you don't want to." I quit drinking at 32 and my self loathing was taking me to suicidal thoughts. I'd have some drinks thinking they'd help, then the disease took over. I couldn't stop. I kept having scenarios of me swimming out into the Gulf Of Mexico- THAT was my idea of letting go, but a small voice kept saying, "but I don't want to die!" I realized my life had become absolutely unmanageable and I was lost. We have all been where you are- no one is alone even though sometimes it feels like it. You are loved by us here. That meeting is going to feel sooooo good tonight ((Beth))- if you can, just introduce yourself to the group at the beginning- they usually ask if there are any visitors and newcomers. You have no obligations to talk so don't worry- and when you're ready to down the road, you will. Being open and willing is the key in the door. We know all about toxic families, that's for sure! =) ((Kirsten)) This program is here for you, available to you for a reason...it's right in front of you!! I felt exactly the same way as you- I was so scared to go to my first meeting (by myself) that I was shaking like a leaf-with no booze in me that day! Just go- don't think-just go and listen. There are promises that will come true and you'll hear about them. Let us know how you are.
Member: Jay L.
Location: Arizona
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 12:27 PM
I met my girlfriend through another program that I'm in, Gamblers Anonymous. We have talked about this subject before and have come to the conclusion that our recovery comes first before anything else because without it, we're both done. We've stoutly agreed, that if I went back out drinking or gambling and she went back out gambling, that would be the end for us, it's just that simple. We have a relationship that's built on trust and respect and that being said, if either of us were to go back out, the foundation of what has held us together for the past 18 months would quickly erode. The foundation that we've built our love upon, would no longer be effective. Recovery is number one in our household and it will remain so for as long as we are together! Thanks for the topic.
Member: Steph S.
Location: VA
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 01:14 PM
God bless you all for you openness and honesty! I'll make my comments brief because I'm off to my first meeting that I've been to in about 6 years. My name is Steph and I'm an alcoholic. I'm a daughter, a wife, a mother of three precious children, and desperately seek to remain sober. (for today) and hopefully the rest of my life. I have similar stories to the ones I've read on this site for the past hour. I have to say that I generally hate computers but this website has touched me more in the past hour than years of therapy. I have a tendency to make a short story long but will do my best to just give the basic info. I have not had a drink since May 18th, 2002 yet I haven't been to a meeting, My counselor suggests I am becoming too powerful for my own good and is afraid of me relapsing (again). I need a sponsor and have the desire to remain sober as I said. Any suggestions? I look forward to getting back on this thing when I get home and share what I've learned! Hugs and love to all! Steph!
Member: cr
Location: california
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 01:53 PM
cr here, so I got so drunk last night I fought with my family and fell down in my room, cut my hand. I could have killed myself If I would have hit my head. I still don't drink everyday, but its 3 or 4 times a week, to the point of blackout. Pray for me as I need help and I know it. My husband tells me that as well. I don't want to be filled with guilt and remorse for my illness, I just want to stop drinking completely. However, all of you who drink know how bad I feel today, i know i need to go to meetings and I will. Thanks for being here.
Member: Gabrielle P
Location: Arlington, TX
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 02:54 PM
Gabrielle, grateful recovering alcoholic....also recovering smoker.....My son whom i reside with presently smokes and drinks...in fact he holds all night bashes with folks I do not know and fills my home with stench and disdain....I wish I had something nice to say about it....He was not always like this, he was raised in AA. Participated himself but for some reason, loss of job,loss of girlfriend, he has subjected himself and me to a life that I unfortunately am unable to cope with...you see he does not see the disrespect or the lack of consideration, he will with whiskey on his breath come up to me and slober, I love you mom.....that may be true but unfortunately he does not love himself...he does not have ajob and has not had one for many months, only worked 3 months last year...I am tired, I cannot fight it any more, even my father who takes me to lunch and dinner on occassion never drinks any more in my presence..he respects tha I feel uncomfortable around it. My son smokes in my private bedroom.....make him stop you say?? I am an alcoholic- drug addict in recovery from my disease one day at a time, I have no energy left after going to work, doing my prayers and meditation and going to meetings to help him any more....my words are falling on deaf words...my first amrriage ended right after I got out of treatment for the same reason, once sober i was no longer able to tolerate those who will not try....I don't care if you don't make it, just try....but that is not the case and so to avoid physical violence and mental abuse I am leaving...the only way I can see....take myself and my program which remains strong and get away...that is not running that is keeping my comfort level where it needs to be for me to stay sober today, the rest and my son I leave to God....I do not go to parties where there are no other non drinking folks to associate with, I do not go to bars for any reason....same reason keep my comfort level where it needs to be....it is most certainly an individual choice for me it is the only way...God bless you all and may you never forget ..... I cannot fail until I stop trying, In Sobriety, In A.A., In Life! Gabrielle gpp854@netscape.net
Member: Terry H
Location: houston
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 03:52 PM
My name is Terry and I am an alcoholic. I have been in and out of AA for years. Until now I have never really realized just how sick I really am. Thank you all for your honesty , this website and your stories have opened my eyes to really look at myself. ((Kristen)) I am 37 yrs old with a 6 week baby boy. It never occured to me that I could drop him. It never occured to me that my drinking, which I did last night could put him in danger. I thank you for your story it scared the hell out of me. Thank you all.
Member: Brian F
Location: Berwickshire, Scotland
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 03:58 PM
Hi my name is Brian, and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks to all who have shared their experience, strength and hope of the misery of active alcoholism, and the woderful journey of recovery. Whe I picked up the phone to call AA I was beaten by alcohol, but I didn't know it at the time, I just knew I didn't want to feel how I felt anymore. I was taken to my first meeting by a couplr I had met 7 years before when I had booked into their B & B. At that time the guy had said to meas I came in drunk with a bottle of vodka and beer in a bag, "Do you think that's a good idea?" I thought ******* what do you know, get a life! mister. When the AA call came I knew within 2 words being spoken who it was, I know today that I was Lead to AA, but it's up to me to choose to stay. I didn't come to AA to get sober, I came to get all the shit out of my life, I didn't come for my family, friends,employer, or anyone else, I came for ME. I'd had enough. I didn't know what I wanted, exept for the pain to stop.But it didn't, not right away, and it still comes back from time to time as I deal with life on life's terms. So, my love, thoughts and prayers go to all who are struggling and in pain just now. I was told to go to meetings regularly, don't drink, hey don't drink! now how the hell was I supposed to do that? "Pick up the phone before youpick up a drink", they said. So I tried it, "come on over to my house", they said. I was frightened, more frightened than I'd ever been in my life, because now I had a choice, TO drink or not to drink. Yeah, that was the question! I don't want to but frightened I will, "Say the serenity prayer" they said, I did, many times a day. "GO to meetings and listen" they said, I went to meetings but found it hard to listen, my head was in turmoil, I couldn't think straight, I shared at every meeting I went to, I needed to get this stuff out of my head. I got a liftto meetings, I didn't have a driving licence, the court system decided that the streets would be safer if I didn't drive for 5 years the last time I was at court. Getting a lift to and from meetings was great, it was like 3 meetings in one night, going and returning as well as the actual meeting. My thinking was really concrete at that time, very black and white, I hung on to "Don't pick u the first drink I won't get drunk" it was my mantra! "Get a sponsor, someone ho has got what you want, well I don't think I picked a sponsor, he was put in my path, as have all the other people I've met on my recovery journey, I just had to be willing to make the choice to want to get better, the put it into action. At first I stuck so close to my sponsor, I'm sure he looked over his shoulder even when he went to the toilet, expecting me to be there!! I didn't want to drink. Gradually I started to trust myself a bit, still wasn't to sure about God's bit in this yet, but I kept praying anyway! I would go to the supermarket, I always got the early bus and was back out of town before the pubs opened I was a pub drinker. But I didn't take any chances I stayed well clear of the booze isles in the 'markets, still do, no need to go there today. That booze with it's fancy "come hither" sile could still tempt me it is after all "Cunning, baffling and powerful", and also very, very patient. "Read the Big Book" they said, well I didn't read it, I tried to "Learn" it like a school book today I try to live it. Anyway, I would go to meetings with my newly learned quote to impress the group as to how well I was doing, they said "Keep coming back", I thought, "Hey, I've cracked it, the think I'm clever,they want me back to talk to them again!", Boy was I nuts, but boy they sure did love me.I have been loved well in this fellowship, by each and every person I've come into contact with. When I did some crazy things nobody said "told you so" they hugged me and made me feel ok. So however bad you may feel about yourself, or what you have done, it has been your journey to this moment in time, it's what you do net that really counts, go to a meeting, pick up the phone e-mail someone. YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE, the number of osters on this site proves that. I went back to that first meeting,on Friday for the first time in a while, it's over six years since that first time,I've not had a drink since my first meeting, you know, there were 12 or so people at that first meeting and I was the necommer, on Friday there were about the same number and I had the third longest soberiety time. Am I proud of that? NO, just so grateful that my bum was on one of the seats, and sad for all the people who are no longer around. Because this illness, yes it is an illness, KILLS people, the couple who took me to that first meeting, he is still a part of my life, unfortuneatly, what that lovely lady gave me she could not get for herself, she died two years ago, but is still alive in all of those people she gave to. The paradox of this illness is, that it was killing me to, now through the grace of God, and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and I have got to say, effort on my part, I have a "life beyond my wildest dreams". Lots of money, fame, fortune, beautiful wife, big house? No none of these, but I can answer my telrphone when it rings, or my front door. I can face my bank manager my employer describes me as "Reliable, trustorthy" my relationships with my two lovely daughters, my ex-wife and my Dad , the people who bore the brunt of my drinking, and early recovery "Wisdom" is better than it has ever been, but most of all, I CN LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND LIKE WHAT I SEE" Take Care of yourself, you are worth it.It took me a while to get from stopping drinking to getting sober, but every painful step was worth it.Thanks for being there.Keep coming back. Brian@finnie0696.freeserve.co.uk ((((((((((((((ALL))))))))))))))
Member: Gabrielle P
Location: Arlington, TX
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 05:00 PM
Gabrielle, grateful recovering alcoholic....also recovering smoker.....My son whom i reside with presently smokes and drinks...in fact he holds all night bashes with folks I do not know and fills my home with stench and disdain....I wish I had something nice to say about it....He was not always like this, he was raised in AA. Participated himself but for some reason, loss of job,loss of girlfriend, he has subjected himself and me to a life that I unfortunately am unable to cope with...you see he does not see the disrespect or the lack of consideration, he will with whiskey on his breath come up to me and slober, I love you mom.....that may be true but unfortunately he does not love himself...he does not have ajob and has not had one for many months, only worked 3 months last year...I am tired, I cannot fight it any more, even my father who takes me to lunch and dinner on occassion never drinks any more in my presence..he respects tha I feel uncomfortable around it. My son smokes in my private bedroom.....make him stop you say?? I am an alcoholic- drug addict in recovery from my disease one day at a time, I have no energy left after going to work, doing my prayers and meditation and going to meetings to help him any more....my words are falling on deaf words...my first amrriage ended right after I got out of treatment for the same reason, once sober i was no longer able to tolerate those who will not try....I don't care if you don't make it, just try....but that is not the case and so to avoid physical violence and mental abuse I am leaving...the only way I can see....take myself and my program which remains strong and get away...that is not running that is keeping my comfort level where it needs to be for me to stay sober today, the rest and my son I leave to God....I do not go to parties where there are no other non drinking folks to associate with, I do not go to bars for any reason....same reason keep my comfort level where it needs to be....it is most certainly an individual choice for me it is the only way...God bless you all and may you never forget ..... I cannot fail until I stop trying, In Sobriety, In A.A., In Life! Gabrielle gpp854@netscape.net
Member: Lyla D
Location: Polk City, FL
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 07:59 PM
Hi, Lyla-alkie here. Well, I am not a mom, so I have no words of wisdom in that area, but I have lived with someone that smoked pot and in that area I have some ESH to share. I went to Alanon and learned to detach with love. I had to let go and let God take care of this person and remember to stay out of his life and let him suffer the consequences. He did and finally stopped. I had a friend that got sober about a year before I did. His wife continued to drink. he stopped and bought her beer for her and went to more Alanon meetings then he did AA. Well, Don has 19 years sober and Rosie just celebrated 13 years. It doesn't always work that way, but sometimes it does. Now, as to going to meetings-I went to 10 or 12 a week, even though I worked a full time and part time job and helped take care of my grandmother. The people at the meetings had something I wanted and I was willing to go to any length to get what they had. My sponsor listened to my babbling, the people in the meetings listened to my babbling and when I started to make sense-well sort of-they let me know. The people in the meetings are the reason I kept coming back, and they loved me until I could love myself. One man even let me "borrow" his HP. I love the people in this fellowship, I love the program and I am very, very grateful to be sober-one day at a time. Love, Lyla aka ldragonreader@aol.com (Jay L, do you live in Sierra Vista, AZ?)
Member: SCOTT C
Location:
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 08:40 PM
HI IAM SCOTT IAM 22 AND AN ALCOHOLIC I HAVE KNOWN THAT I HAVE BEEN AN ALCHOLOIC FOR ALONG TIME I HAVE TRIED TO STOP DRINKING A MILLION TIMES I CAN SOMTIMES STAY SOBER FOR 2 WEEKS, BUT THEN I JUST GIVE IN TO THE TEMPTATION. THIS IS THE FRIST TIME I HAVE EVER TRIED AA. I WENT OUT ON FRIDAY CAN'T SAY I REMBER MUCH I DRANK MYSELF RIGHT INTO A BLACKOUT I JUST GET SCARED THINKING ABOUT IT AFTER MAKING AN ASS OUT OF MYSELF I FINALY PAST OUT IN MY CAR WITH IT STILL RUNNING MY GIRLFRIEND COULD NOT WAKE ME UP IN THE MORNING SO I MISSED WORK I WISH I COULD SAY THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPEND. I PRAY THAT I STILL HAVE A JOB IAM DESTROYING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. WE ARE GETTING MARRIED NEXT JUNE IF I CAN GET MY ACT TOGETHER SHE DOSE NOT UNDERSTAND WHY ITS SO HARD FOR ME TO QUIT. MY FRIENDS DO T UNDERSTAND ETHIER THEY SEEM TO GET KICK OUT HOW DRUNK AND STUPID I GET. SO I THOUGHT I SHOULD GIVE AA A TRY PEPOLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME ABOUT IT BUT I HAVE BEEN SCARED I HAVE TRIED STAYING SOBER BY MYSELF AND ITS HAS NOT WORKED I WAS LOOKING FOR A MEETING IN MY AREA WHEN I CAME ACROSS THIS SITE IT HAS HELPED ALOT THANK YOU SCOTT
Member: Sanders Watford DOS 9-6-75
Location: Graceville, oysterland, FL.
Date: July 28, 2002
Time: 11:33 PM
Hi All Y'all, I am very definitely a real alcoholic and my name is Sanders. I am one of those "double winners" mentioned a ways back. I took my sponsors advice and did stay away from the opposite sex for the first year. He told me to do that and if I was lucky enough to stay sober for that year to please give the lady the same chance. I highly suggest this today. I know there are some who have made it, but for every one that did I can show you 20 that didn't. I married a girl when she was sober about 16 months and I was sober about 5 years, and I am reminded of what an old timer used to tell me. He said for him to get involved in a relationship was just like pouring Miracle Grow on his character defects. We struggled but I found pot seeds in the car and knew my wife was smoking dope on the side, and I don't know what all but it was really bothering me. My AA sponsor's wife was in Alanon and I went to an AA meeting one night in one end of the building and my AA sponsor told me to get my ass to the other end of the building for Alanon, that I needed it more that night than I did AA, so I went, and continued going for about 1 1 1/2 years. I knew my wife was headed back out to drink and I couldn't stop her so I went to Alanon to hold myself together in hopes that she would go on out and get it over with and back in AA so we could get on with our lives. At the very end I was going down faster than she was so I took my 4 year old son and left and I ended up raising him alone. He is now known as my "salmon" for always swimming upstream and not learning. He is now 22 and never saw me drink. I am not sorry for what I did and would do it all again in a heartbeat. Today I can honestly say I am GLAD I am an alcoholic, and not that I am glad I know I'm an alcoholic. It took me a long time in AA to get to where I now say this but it is true. I am also glad that I did everything I did because had I not done it, I would never have found this wonderful way of life. I am not sorry for the hurt I caused many people but I am now glad I did it all because I found a NEW life and before I had none.=== God loves you, and so do I and there is nothing you can do about it. Sanders & Little Fella sanders@wfeca.net ICQ# 14412521
Member: kirsten m
Location: montreal
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 12:04 AM
hi, back again... {{SCOTT}} I have 24 hours and I managed to get my butt to a meeting tonight. I couldn't do it yesterday, I was too scared. What I did was phoned the AA hotline and told the guy on the phone about my fears and being so ashamed. He reminded me about my EGO and that walking through the doors will help. Shame is the stupid things you regret when you are drunk and out of control. Call the hotline. They don't know you and it might help if you reached out that way. For what it's worth, I first went to AA at 22. I was already drunk and disorderly then. 10 years later, I have 24 hours and 1 meeting. if only.... but I didn't stick to it and believe me I racked up alot of emabrrassing stories in the past ten years. Save yourself from the pain. Don't drink today. Just today. Good luck . God bless.
Member: Gage
Location: LA
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 03:22 AM
I'm Gage and I'm an alcoholic. Like Kirsten, I was in my twenties when I first came to AA, but I didn't stick. I stayed sober for a while and then I went on about a 16 or 17 year binge. I'm in my late forties now, Scott, and I've been sober for 17 months. I believe that I could have saved myself and a lot of innocent people quite a bit of pain and suffering had I been able to do just one thing honestly that first time around. That is, had I been able to honestly assess what happens to me when I drink. I'm not talking here about external things like car wrecks, fights, DUI's, bankruptcy, and all the things that go with them, although these things did happen to me. I'm talking about honestly looking at what happens on the inside of me if I take a drink. This condition is aptly explained in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous in the chapter called The Doctors Opinion, where it is referred to as "the phenomenon of craving" that sets in if I have a drink. I can recall this happening to me as early as in my teens -- before I was able to finish my first drink, I would be planning the next one. What goes hand in hand with that craving is a compulsion that always led me back to the "insanity of the first drink". There's the problem. I have to have something that is stronger than my own will that can get between me and that first drink. If I had been able to accept that one fact about my condition, then I may have honestly sought that power earlier than I did. The problem isn't whether there is a power able to do that. There is. The problem is that it's just damned hard to accept that the condition we have is otherwise hopeless, so we don't really let that power come in. The steps of our program have this sole purpose: to help us bring that power into our lives. It's not psychiatry, it's not group therapy, even though there is some aspect of our fellowship that is like that. But what it is really is a healing that begins with the spirit. I hope and pray that you will embrace it that way and not complicate it. Empty your brain and make the call. Then, let someone lead you for a bit. You won't regret it. Love to you, Scott. Kirsten, I have a young son, and someday I will tell you how something I saw in his face one night when I was in the midst of a hellacious drunk brought to me what a lot of folks in AA refer to as "a moment of clarity" that made me seek help. I think maybe that moment of clarity has happened to you. Follow it, and I believe it will take you out of the hell you described here a few nights ago. God, don't I know what you've been going through. There is hope, and I appreciate you sharing yours here. Love to you, darlin. Hey, Stephany in NY! Love to you. (Don't forget those coffee pots. I'm not kidding.) You keep going, darlin! Thank you for sharing your hopes with us here.
Member: Beth H.
Location: Canada
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 08:04 AM
My fears got the best of me last night, and I didn't go to the meeting. But I also didn't drink! I feel really good, physically and mentally. It's funny how delighted I am when I forget something, or drop something, and IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I'm just forgetful and clumsy, but I don't have to beat myself up about it. My reservations about the meeting are so many -the first is really stupid. What if I go there, and there's someone I know, and they tell everyone? How dumb is that? How crazy have I become? Let's see, what if I get really drunk, set off the car alarm, wet my pants, then stagger into my former workplace (a radio station) while my associates are on the air? Didn't have reservations about doing that... My other scare is that I've been drinking for 19 years, more than half my life, using alcohol to "cope" with any kind of strong emotion, trying to turn myself into a zombie. I'm pretty sure some powerful changes are coming, and I'm very nervous about it. But I can do it. If I can give birth without any chemical intervention, then I can surely go meet some folks and drink a cup of coffee, right? Would have shared this last night, but DH was passed out on the computer keyboard. There was a time when that would have distracted me. (There was also a time, about 2 days ago actually, when I would have stolen his beer.) Maybe that means it'll stick this time. Because, while I love him to pieces, I'm not doing this to set a good example, or inspire him to sober up as well, or to look better and smarter than him and his family. And I think it's feeling (a little) easier this time because I really don't have a decision to make. There is no choice anymore. So when those automatic thoughts start to bubble up in my head - just have one, you'll be fine, you're all better now, other people do it, etc. - I've been wearing an elastic band around my wrist and snapping it. I'm not even going to discuss it with myself. Because I'm a very visual person, I find mental images helpful, and right now I'm imagining that first drink as domino #1. Pretty simple. I just can't drink. Part of it is selfish, as well. If I think about why I can't drink, I have to remember all the disgusting, shameful things I've done over the years. I'm so identifying with everyone who's talked about their children. My son is so beautiful and precious to me, and yet I fell down the stairs with him in my arms and didn't (still don't) remember it. He does. He reminds me often. My whole self goes cold when I think "What if he'd gotten sick during the night, and I was unconscious? What if there'd been a fire?" Definitely someone has been looking out for us. I was sober just before, during, and for half a year after my pregnancy. Then things just started slipping, and I ended up getting drunk every night. But I've never abused or neglected him. The worst that ever happened was when I dropped him and he got a bump on his forehead. And there's my big fear. If I go to a meeting, is someone going to call FCS and take my child from me? Or is it like the Confessional? Can I be open and honest? I'm a good mother and I want to get better. My drinking has affected my son, and I don't want it to get any worse. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. Can anyone reassure me? Thanks for all the encouragement and help.
Member: Phil A
Location: Geordieland UK
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 08:57 AM
((Scott)) I'm a thirty one year old recovering alcoholic. I first went to a meeting years back when I was eighteen and didn't stick with it in fact I only attended that one meeting. I wasn't one of those "Labelled Alcoholic People" they lived on the streets and drank out of bottles wrapped in paper bags didn't they?. I continued to go my own way and ended up in more of a mess than I'd previosly been in, I spent one time away from the drink for about four month's without the help of AA though I planned and thought about the next drink constantly and knew the time would come eventually when I would return to drinking, it got worse and that hell I was living in got hotter. I returned to AA ten years later a trembling wreck, I was sick of being sick and wanted to die, I was frightened of dying and frightened of living. Today I got a good life, nothing is perfect, but its the way it should be and thats great. The people of Alcoholics Anonymous, a God of my understanding and the twelve steps of recovery saved my life and for that I'm eternally grateful. Alcohol comes from a ottle, alcoholism comes from within. Face Everything and Recover or Fuck Everything And Run (Fear). I'm not alone anymore and you don't have to be either, hey I could feel so alone even in a room full of people. I ain't felt like that in a while now GeordieWally@aol.com
Member: Colleen A.
Location: Florida
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 10:32 AM
Hi all!! I am Colleen and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. I know that pain you all are feeling ((Rebecca, Kirsten,Stephanie, Scott and if I left anyone out I sincerely apologize)). I grew up in an alcoholic home with my mom being the alcoholic. I grew up a lot faster than I wanted to, but being the oldest of 4 children I really was left with no choice. My mother was the alcoholic who drank day and night, it didn't matter. I always told myself that I would "never be like her" and so when I began my drinking career I didn't drink like her. To this day, I have never (except at races or football games where it was "acceptable") drank a single drop of alcohol in the morning because I remember very distinctly that as a child I promised myself that I would never be like HER. In and out of rehabs, leaving me in charge of the kids, my father expecting a 12 year old to come up with a suitable "menu" for dinner (I didn't even have a driver's license yet!) and the laundry, the homework, etc. I never felt like I could live up to all those expectations and of course I couldn't. My self-esteem was very low and before I knew it I had found "alcohol". I never drank hard liquor (except on special occasions) and stuck to beer and wine. I loved beer! Looking back now I could see that I was becoming an alcoholic from the very first time I ever drank. However, at the end of my drinking career, my life was just a mess. Not the outside, but the inside. I was a quivering mass of fear. I was sure that my liver was going to give out at any moment and I was terrified to throw up if I had a hangover because I thought for sure I would throw up my liver. I couldn't figure out why my side hurt. Duh, it was my liver. I remember going to the chiropractor because my side hurt all the time, however, I thought my liver was on my right side (and yes can you believe that I had two years of anatomy????) only to find out that he felt that my liver or gall bladder was swollen. Do you know he went over every question except, "Do you drink?" And I was NOT going to volunteer that information. It scared me enough that I forced myself to slow down for awhile and even though when I did the pain in my side went away, I still would not connect the two together. In August of 2000, I went to Hilton Head, SC for the yearly family vacation and boy did I have a great time. I thought (mistakenly) that everyone else was drinking as much as I was, but I was quite wrong. About 3 or 4 days after I got back, my Mom called me and asked me if I thought that maybe I had a drinking problem. WHAT? ME? No way! I was drinking just as much as anyone else. No, I was not. But being that she is in AA and is also a recovering alcoholic, she knew that she could not "force me" to come to terms with my drinking, and she put me in God's hands. My very last drunk was in May of 2001 at a business convention in Clearwater. My mom had the kids and so it was just me and hubby and man oh man did I have fun....so much fun, in fact, that my ankles became swollen from so much alcohol. I was plain miserable. I hated waking up every day with a hangover; the emotional toll it was taking on me was enormous: guilt, shame, remorse, disgust, fear and self-hatred. One night I was talking to my Mom about some things and I just blurted out that I needed help, that I couldn't stop drinking on my own and I didn't want to live the way I was living anymore. I wasn't drunk, I had 2 small glasses of wine, but I think I talked to her for 5 hours straight. The next day she took me to my first AA meeting, and when I picked up that white chip I felt a sense of hope for the very first time in a long time. Except for adding a bit to my story in August of 2001, I have not had a drink in almost 1 year. And I will say that although at times it's been difficult, it has been one the best years of my life. The best advice I can give to anyone out there is this: take it One Day At A Time. I know from my own experience that when I thought about not drinking in terms of the rest of my LIFE there was no way I was willing to make THAT commitment...for I knew that I was setting myself up for failure. However, in AA we are told that we only have to not drink TODAY. That made it a lot less complicated for me. I no longer wake up sober and think, "Oh wow! I didn't have a 12 pack last night, isn't it great that I don't have to use a whole bottle of Visine before I take the kids to school" or brush my teeth 4000 times before kissing my family good morning? I go to bed at night and thank my Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) for helping me stay sober just for today, and I wake up asking Him for help to stay sober today. Amazingly enough, it works. It's not an easy road; at times I remember thinking that I was not going to make it another minute. That's when I learned how to get on my knees and beg God to just help me get through the next few minutes...then it turned into hours....and then a day. I now have 338 days sober. This disease is a very patient one. It never goes away. For this alcoholic, I have learned that the only thing that will keep my sober is prayer, meetings, my sponsor and my support group. I also learned that it's the first drink that gets you drunk, not the 3rd or 6th or 10th. I have learned that once you are in AA that drinking is no longer fun. When I relapsed just a few days after picking up my 2 month chip, I felt like dog doo. But I called my Mom and my sponsor and they both told me that "Ok, you added to your story, so now what are you going to do?" I decided that I did NOT want to ever feel that way again, so I left my pride and my ego at home, and went to a meeting and told them that I had drank. I waited with baited breath for the pointed arrows to start hitting, but low and behold all I got was a lot of support, love and experience, strength and hope from others. I found out that I was NOT the first one to "try it one more time" nor would I be the last..and I picked up that white chip one more time. I wasn't going to give up on myself because THEY were not going to give up on me. Amazing!! They told me that they would love me until I could love myself. And they have. They have watched me grow, they have pushed me along the way and prodded me when I needed it and praised me when the light bulb went off. My only hope for those of you who are still suffering is that you can find it in your hearts, no matter how much you are hurting, to just pick up the phone and find a meeting near you. When they give you the phone numbers at the meeting, use them. Especially when you feel like you want to drink. These people in AA are some of the most remarkable people I have ever met in my life. They will drop what they are doing in a second to help another AA who is suffering. But mostly, I hope that you can do this for YOU, not for your mother, or your husband or anyone else....but YOU. Good luck...and remember...it's only One Day at a Time.
Member: Rich P
Location: Colorado
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 01:18 PM
Nice shares, I really like reading your ES&H. I have been sober 60 days, I feel really good, the cravings are gone, I am starting to get serious about the 4th step, I have a guy in mind for my sponsor and was going to try and meet him for coffee this week. I also started working out everyday as part of my recovery and it feels really good. I need some advice on how to handle my wife. She is kind of resenting the amount of time I am spending on recovery. I spend more time with the kids but not anymore time with her. I was thinking I was opening up time for her to do what she wants (since all three of our small children are with me at the pool, park, etc) and I guess that is not what she wanted. As I get more introspective and share insights with her, I think she feels distanced from me. As a stay at home mom, her day is hectic and constantly interrupted and very little self analysis takes place. When I suggest yoga or meditation before kids are up or after they go to bed, she is "too tired" and needs to sleep. I have stopped trying to solve her issues and I just ask, "How are you doing?" and that works much better. Anyway, I didn't know if you all had any insights on managing existing relationships when newly sober. My wife will likely be my biggest 9th step and I have started making some of those amends now. Ironically, as I do more of the cooking, cleaning and child care she makes comments that I am not pitching in. I guess my lack of doing these things in the past is made more apparent when I am doing them now, and thus I get criticized for now doing what I should have been doing all along (follow that?) Any insight from the female perspective would be appreciated. Peace
Member: Kim D.
Location: Bridgewater
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 02:31 PM
Hi everyone. Kim here, alcoholic. First, welcome to those new and sharing here. You are in the right place if you think you have a problem with booze and getting to a f2f meeting will be the best thing you can do for yourself. Best wishes. There are a lot of topics going on here... all of which I can relate to. However, I will share my ES&H on "living with someone who is still drinking and using." I've been on both sides of that coin - both the drinker and the sober one. Gives me a different perspective, that's for sure. Recently, my fiance and the father of my 1 year old son relapsed after 1 year of sobriety. Because I had been sober for a few 24 hours, I didn't see it as a personal attack or affont on me - I saw it as HIS disease. But, because we were a family unit (our son, plus my 9 year old from a previous marriage), it affected all of us in one way or another. I gave him choices - get back into recovery or drink/drug but live out of the home. I - as a person in recovery - COULD NOT live with an active alcoholic- coming home at 4:00 a.m. - 7:00 a.m., sleeping all day, hung over and mean, self-centered, untrustworthy... the list goes on and on. Finally, after 7 weeks of here now - gone later, I had to take legal action and get a restraining order. Although it grieved my heart and put a lot of strain on me financially and physically, it also gave my children and I a stable, predictable environment. Peace was restored to our home... I do not regret that decision. Active alcoholics have little to no regard for others while drinking - especially family members. My sobriety and my children's emotional/physical need to come first. Bottom line. I found out a lot about myself these past few months of being "alone" without that relationship, and for the first time in my life I like what I see. :-) He is currently out of detox and we are taking our relationship slowly. First and foremost, he is re-establishing his relationship with his son. One day at a time, we will know which direction to take with regards to OUR future, but at least I know MY place in the world - and have to keep the focus on myself no matter what happens to "us." Thanks for letting me share.
Member: Anne M
Location: NY
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 03:09 PM
Wow, what a powerful site this is. It is wonderful to see so many new people here; please keep coming back, and CONGRATS on any days that you all have put together! I dropped my daughter once, when she was 6 months old, I was drunk and my husband was out. I never told that to anyone before. It still took me 10 years to attempt sobriety. ((Kristen)) please don't wait as long as I did. Glad you got to a meeting. ((Beth)) It is hard to change people, places and things -- but for your sake, do not feel bad about begging off from the family get-togethers where you are at risk. I also made my husband responsible for my drinking; if he wouldn't stop, I'd better join in, so we could stay married. That only damaged me. I had many of the same fears that you expressed -- as for knowing someone at a meeting, can you go to one farther from home? Took me over a month to go to a meeting in my town. But remember why they are there -- they will not tell anyone. As far as I know, noone at a meeting is going to call FCS on you. And a little story: the first weekend I was sober, my daughter had a wicked stomach virus, and I was up all night with her. I was crying tears of joy, because I was ABLE to be up all night with her. Somehow, she got thru 10 years of life without needing me in the middle of the night; and the first time she did, I WAS SOBER AND THERE FOR HER. It was an amazing feeling. ((Stephany)) Good job on the meetings! You CAN do this, one day at a time. I, too, had my last drink(s) on May 18th. May we always have the same anniversary date!! ((Rich P)) My husband also resents the time I spend "recovering". He is afraid of how I will change and grow; I have told him that I am not doing this TO him, I am doing it FOR me. All I can do is be gentle (which I never was when I was drinking) and let him see that this is best for all of us, not just me. I also use the analogy that I need to get my battery recharged by going to meetings. ((Scott)) Hope you found a meeting; if you can't do it yourself, you have nothing to loose by going to meetings, getting a sponsor and reading the AA literature/books. ((CR)) I was a fall-down drunk and am amazed that I never cracked my head open. Have you been to a meeting yet? After 70+ days sober, I can testify that AA has been a miracle to me. I can not believe that I am the same person that I was before....actually, I'm not the same person, and that's wonderful! Keep coming back, it works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it!! Anne M (a725alm@aol.com)
Member: Craig L (Dogmanor@yahoo.com)
Location: Aloha, Oregon
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 04:15 PM
Fantastic shares, yall have brought me back to my using days. I find it exciting when a newcomer has made the choice to join us and find the Joy you are entitled. I was lucky, I lost everything before I came into AA with a serious intention to stay. I had no one to left to blame for my drinking. Alcohol forced me to concede that I must either find a way to stop drinking or go on to that hellish bitter end. I was too insane to see that all my problems were self-imposed due to choices I made. I know now I would never be able to get out of my insane thinking until I stopped using and trusted another person to tell me the truth about myself. I know I can not change anyone else, I can change myself and I pray for the wisdom to know when I should take action.
Member: stephany m
Location: new york
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 04:32 PM
Hi everyone! Stephany, alcoholic . The "living with a spouse who is still using" is a HUGE topic for me. But over the past two days I've realized it's not the BIGGEST. The most important thing right now is to keep going to meetings and not drink.One day at a time. Just 24 hours. When I prayed to my HP for guidance and to take over my day yesterday, I was amazed to find that I didn't have to be mean & nasty and try to make my husband feel guilty. That is what I have been doing for as long as I can remember. He hurts me, I make him feel guilty, we make up & cocktail together(or visa versa LOL). Yesterday it occurred to me that if he had the flu, I wouldn't be mean & nasty. I would be compassionate and ask him what he needed. So that's what I did. I was patient, smiled, put on some music and I was NICE!.(I think I really have him confused now! LOL) I also calmly explained that it would be much easier if alcohol was not around me all day. Low & behold, he didn't drink all day until I came home from my meeting and then he had just one. He didn't hide it, so I just smiled and told him about the meeting. I figured he needed his drink to cover up all the wild feelings he was having. I've stopped praying for God to make him sober. Now I have put Gods will back where it belongs. It's all up to "the Big Guy". I pray all day and thank God that I've gotton to DAY 7! Thanks to all who have shared and let me share. I'm learning new things every day from all of you. Love and Peace to all. Stephany M
Member: x
Location:
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 08:18 PM
Member:
Location:
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 09:48 PM
My name is Mike W. and I am a getting better alcoholic. My last drink was on December 10th 1998, Thanks to the grace of God, this program, this fellowship, and the Michigan Dept. of Corrections that insisted I get my first three years sober. At first I came to this fellowship because I had to, but I stuck around because I found freedom from alcohol through the practicing of the 12 steps of Alcohlics Annonymous. And in that a Peace and Joy and Hope and Strength beyond comparison to anything I've ever known or experianced. I drank for 25 years before that and Every day for a solid 7 years at the end of it! I was as chronic as they come. I was breaking spiritual principles I didn't even know existed !!! Go to meetings, read the Big Book, Get a sponcer, surrender yourself to this simple program!!! Get phone #'s ...Pray.... Humble yourself instead of humilliating yourself!!! I beleive YOU have a choice, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK!!!! You CAN BECOME A NEW CREATION!!!! Don't Miss out on the opportunity!!! Your Brother and Freind ...Mike W
Member:
Location:
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 09:48 PM
My name is Mike W. and I am a getting better alcoholic. My last drink was on December 10th 1998, Thanks to the grace of God, this program, this fellowship, and the Michigan Dept. of Corrections that insisted I get my first three years sober. At first I came to this fellowship because I had to, but I stuck around because I found freedom from alcohol through the practicing of the 12 steps of Alcohlics Annonymous. And in that a Peace and Joy and Hope and Strength beyond comparison to anything I've ever known or experianced. I drank for 25 years before that and Every day for a solid 7 years at the end of it! I was as chronic as they come. I was breaking spiritual principles I didn't even know existed !!! Go to meetings, read the Big Book, Get a sponcer, surrender yourself to this simple program!!! Get phone #'s ...Pray.... Humble yourself instead of humilliating yourself!!! I beleive YOU have a choice, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK!!!! You CAN BECOME A NEW CREATION!!!! Don't Miss out on the opportunity!!! Your Brother and Freind ...Mike W
Member: Barbara H.
Location: Scotland
Date: July 29, 2002
Time: 09:57 PM
Hi, I'm Barbara, alcholic. Thanks everyone who shared. I had 11 years sobriety on 8th June this year and on 22nd June I got drunk...I am having trouble now staying stopped because I feel I have lost so much...but I suppose if I "lost it" I didn't have it in the first place. I am not entitled or qualified to give advice - I can only share my experience...When I stayed close to A.A. e.g. was involved in my group and in service etc. I seemed to be able "cope" with all that life threw at me, but when I got complacent and let most of it go I got drunk. Obviously, altough I was still in contact with my sponser, I wasn't doing anything else and that includes depending on my Higher Power whom I call God, I was back in the FEAR and projecting into the future, I was back in control (or so I thought). I believed the LIE that maybe I could drink like other "normal" people so I gave it a go. I know it is only one day at a time and that is all I've got, but I'm finding it really hard now to stop. Please anyone out there who has this chance hold on to it. I was told one I had to treasure me sobriety more than my first love. Please do that and stay safe. Sorry for rambling on and thanks for allowing me to share because I am back in the early days of sobriety...
Member: amy u
Location: nashville
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 06:42 AM
I'm 36 years old. I think I'm an alcoholic. I awoke Monday morning with a hangover and feelings of shame. I whispered to my significant other, "I need to stop drinking. Will you help me?" Without hesitation she answered softly, "I'd love to". I hadn't done or said anything stupid or embarrassing the night before but I just felt emotionally and physically terrible. I had slept fitfully and had, at some point during the night, realized that I had consumed at least nine beers Sunday night. This has become an almost daily habit for me. I know my girlfriend will be supportive and will gladly give up her nightly half bottle of wine. It's me I'm scared of. I know I will want to drink and I will minimize my drinking problem. I'll want to buy beer. I'll withdraw from my girlfriend so I don't feel like she's judging me for drinking so much. I work night shift and I love to drink alone. Sometimes I stay up half the day and drink at home while cleaning the house or doing laundry, etc. So I stay in denial (I think because I'm so domestically productive when I'm drinking). But alcohol is starting to consume me. I look forward to it....even the way the cold bottle or can feels in my hand. And it goes down like nectar. And I am sweet and affectionate when I'm drinking. I've become proud that I can maintain a "slow buzz" all day long. It's like I'm having an affair with beer. I want to want to quit. But it's the stupid little things that get to me. Like those Corona commercials with the slogan, "Miles away from ordinary". The beach, sun, tranquility and that ice-cold corona. That just kills me. It's like that ice-cold beer represents freedom and happiness to me. I don't know how I will ever change that way of thinking. It's been this way with me for 20 years. It's such an escape for me. And, since alcohol has never caused me any legal, financial or professional problems, I continue to identify it as a friend. I quit smoking 7 years ago after praying to God to heal me in that area. Last week I sent up a similar prayer related to drinking. Wisdom anyone? Thanks. amy
Member: karen k
Location: pa
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 07:24 AM
hello, my name is karen and i think i'm an alcoholic. i can go for a few weeks without even thinking of drinking but then i binge. i don't know what to do anymore. can anyone help me?
Member: Phil A
Location: Geordieland UK
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 07:54 AM
((Amy)) Click here and try answering these questions http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/ep3doc1.html alcohol is but a sympton of our disease. Guilt, Worry, Lack of Self Worth, Shame, Remorse Feeling uncomfortable in your own skin? Look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the phne book and try getting to a meeting and listen for the similarities and not the differences. ((Barbera)) Welcome back, you made it back, many don't. Put the past behind ya and start again. False Pride can be a killer and it could have been anyone of us. Theres no shame in relapse, our natural state as alcoholics is being drunk as thats the only thing we done to perfection. The only step we can ever take 100% is the fist step GeordieWally@aol.com
Member: kirsten m.
Location: montreal
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 08:04 AM
hi, kirsten here - alcoholic. I didn't managed to get to a meeting last night, but life stepped in. It bothers me that 90 in 90 isn't realistic for me. It feels like I am doing things wrong from the get go, but I have to hold on to the "just for today" and get to as many meetings as possible for now. It does scare me anyways coz I have been here before. 'Here' being remorseful and afraid and motivated about sobriety. I am not afraid for today. I am worried about some today in the future when the shame is not so great and the party is hopping. {{Karen K}} I am also a binge drinker. This is my personal hell. It is so deceiving because I function without alcohol for long periods of time ( although the gaps are getting smaller) that it seems like overkill to invest so much time into AA. But the reality is when I drink it is bad news. Sure there is a time here and there that is practically like normal drinking, but then there are those times when the evil disease takes over and I am out of control. I have to way of knowing when that will be. And somehow it always grabs me at the most inopportune moments. like a production meeting at work or my kids graduation ceremony form kindergarden (that was real cool of me...) In the Big Book they say that "alcohol is cunning,baffling and powerful" but that Bill W. would have added after that it is also patient. It waits for me around the corner when I am not expeting it. for myself, I need to do my 1st step frequently: admit that no matter how much control I may have on the good days, I am powerless all the same. so karen, it doens't matter how you drink, it's what it does to you when you do.... Someone once suggested to me to do 6 meetings before deciding if it was for me or not. Maybe you could try that. Talk to some folk there and see if maybe they have what you might want. Get phone numbers so that you can call someone if you are having trouble. Be open minded about the programme and don't drink for today. {{ Amy}} you are lucky your gf will help you out. Good luck . One day at a time. God Bless, kirsten
Member: Colleen A.
Location: Florida
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 10:22 AM
Morning all! I am Colleen and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. I have been reading these posts, and I must tell you that those of your who are struggling with this disease brings back many memories for me. I have heard this said at meetings, and it's very true: "None of us drank the same and none of us got sober the same way." Or something like that. :-) First off, if you think that you have a problem with alcohol, than you probably do. If it's causing you to question your drinking habits, whether you drink every day or whether you binge, than you are on to something. You are admitting to yourself that maybe your drinking is a problem. Phil A.'s link is good place to start. (((Rick)))...often we hear stories in AA about how the spouse of an alcoholic resents it when the alcoholic stops drinking. I am sure that you have heard it said that AA is a selfish program. I often go through periods where I close off the entire world around me when I find myself having to face life on life's terms and I have to do it SOBER. It's something you have to wade through, step by laboring step, until you figure out how to deal with it. When my mother stopped drinking, I resented her. Why? Because I was used to her drinking habits and after so long I could almost predict what was going to happen day to day. But when she got sober, she took back the role of "mother" that I had taken on for so long and I resented her for it. Maybe your wife doesn't quite know what to expect. This is just a suggestion, but maybe you can ask her if she will read "To The Family Afterward" in the Big Book; also, if she's willing (key word there is "willing") there are also Alanon meetings that she can attend because you know after living with a sick person for so long, the spouse and family has also become sick and it takes some time for them to adjust to us not being drunk all the time. We are different people now, growing all the time, seeing life through a different perspective, having some hope. Your wife might also be afraid that this is just a "temporary" phase and she may be afraid to let her guard down. I can only offer you my own experience, but my husband and I make plans to go to dinner once a month (if we can, sometimes more often) to just catch up with each other. Keeping the lines of communication open are so important. I hope that may help you a little bit. (((Karen, Kirsten, Stephany M., Amy U.)))...I can't tell you what to do, I can only offer my suggestions. When/if you decide to check out the link that Phil A. posted, if you can (although it hurts, that much I will admit) be as honest as you possibly can when answering those questions. I did not do that for a long time, but of course I was an alcoholic and who the hell wants to admit that? Noone! It's not like we stood up and volunteered ourselves when the alcoholic genes were passed out! However, I can tell you that even if you feel like alcohol is your best friend, my experience taught me that it was kicking my ass and if I didn't do anything about it soon my life might be on the line. With 2 young boys, I certainly did not want to die from alcoholism. I had 2 aunts who died from cirohsiss (sp?) of the liver; one at 41 (so young!) and one at 55 (she missed the birth of her first grandson by 2 months). My other aunt is in AA, my uncle was an alcoholic and so was my grandfather. And that is on my mother's side. I say BS to those who say this disease is not hereditary. ;-) (((Barbara H.)))....much love and hugs to you...I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Hang tough, and just keep on keeping on. Don't let this bastard of a disease keep you down. It waits, patiently, just like Bill W. said it would. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. :-) Also....for those of you who are new in recovery, I want to pass along something that an oldtimer taught me: It's called HALT/HALTS. What it means is this: <b>H</b>ungry--when you are hungry, eat. <b>A</B>ngry --talk it out,let it go. <b>L</b>onely--Go to a meeting. <b>T</b>ired-- when you are tired, sleep. <b>S</b>ick -- when you sick, rest. I have used this many times, and it works. I wish you luck and much love....and just keep coming back, even if you aren't ready to go to a meeting yet.
Member: Colleen A.
Location: Florida
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 10:37 AM
Oops....sorry about the HALT thing...I was using HTML. Didn't quite come out the way I wanted it to.. (H)...when you are Hungry, eat. (A)...when you are Angry, talk it out. (L)...when you are Lonely,go to a meeting. (T)...when you are Tired, sleep. (S)...when you are Sick, rest. I hope THAT worked...if not, I tried. :-)
Member: Helen S
Location:
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 12:41 PM
Hi everyone I'm 28 years old and have been drinking too much for the past 3 years. It started with huge stress in work that I just couldn't deal with. My mind was constantly churning at night with so mant thoughts so I began to take a "few" to relax and it did help me to sleep! But then I started to drink alone and conceal it and I knew at that time that it was wrong and began to worry about my "habit". I've been able to go out and not drink or just have 1 or 2 but I know I have to stop. Part of me says that this all arose because I couldn't deal with my stress and depression and began to "self medicate" myself - as my doctor says. Then part of me wonders if I can never ever touch anything again. At this point I sort of feel that in the future I can have a glass of wine on a social occasion but then I read all these posts. Am I too far gone to go to AA? I can't bare the thought of sharing f2f. I've told a few friends and my partner just found out - although we live together. Everyone was so shocked - they hadn't thought anything like this could be wrong. I go to work, in a responsible job. I laugh, I joke and I don't drink until the night time. But I've only managed to go without for a total of 2 weeks in the last 3 years. It's not like I get drunk every night - I don't. But when I drink on my own I need to have those few to relax and help me sleep without all those worries. I've messed up my sleep patterns so much that when I don't drink now I just toss and turn. I should be organising my wedding for next year but instead I'm caught up in this cycle. I haven't had a drink in 4 days and last week I tried some alternative medicine to see if it would work. I went for a hypnotherapeutic session. Am I sad or just plain mad? The funny thing is that I do feel better. Can anyone here relate to what I'm going through and advise me? It'd be much appreciated. XX Helen S
Member: Mark D
Location: NH
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 01:31 PM
As I was @ a F2F meeting last night with quite a few newcomers and a few still wondering if they belonged there I felt compelled to post here. Amy; Karen & Helen- If you're asking the question there's definitley something to your situation beyond a social drink or two. Amy- my wife accused me of 'having an affair' with booze when I was still active. at the time I thought she was nuts; (at the time my brain was pickled too) but looking back--she was right! I looked forward to that bottle like a lover. Karen- binging is a bad sign. If you start having9or have had) blackouts during your drinking, get yourself to a face to face AA meeting. Not everyone drinks in the same way. Some people think about it all the time; otherjust explode from time to time. The thing is -alcoholism isn't inert. It grows./ It grows the more you feed it.Helen- Alcohol is not a medicine. If you have some real stress issues I'd explore any non- drug means first to alleviate the problem. Until it's under control don't drink- even socially. Once you havecome to terms with your stress you will be able to try social drinking again. Until then you're just muddying the waters with booze as a sedative. It's counter productive to sleep anyways as you have found out. As for myself- i had what is called 'the gift of desperation'. My life was headed quickly down the toilet along with my wife, son, house and job. I didn't lose any of them but I was right on thee edge. It's hard. I don't know how anyone can work this program without first having no doubt that they are ALCOHOLIC.But you all are questioning yourself and that's a good thing. Don't let ego get in the way of anything that you hear that strikes a chord in you.
Member: RobinM
Location: Colorado
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 02:59 PM
I am Robin, an alcoholic. I have been an alcoholic for all of my drinking life. I want to never drink again, and if I had a dollar for every time I said that, I would be rich. My life is in a shambles- my husband hates me,my children feel sorry for me. They are young, and I hate that I am just like my mother who died of alcoholism at 51. I am 48, and my time is running out. I can't seem to string together more than 1 week of sobriety. I never thought I would be this bad- it is true that this is a progressive disease. I see alot of stories that are similiar to mine. Can I stay sober using this site? I hope so, with all my heart. Thank you for letting me share. Robin Big Alcoholic
Member: Colleen A.
Location: Florida
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 03:31 PM
(((Robin and Helen S.)))...I will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers. It may help if you try to find a "beginners meeting" in your area, they are for people who have a year or less of sobriety. Just try to take it One Day At A Time, and until you can find the courage you need to go to a face to face meeting, please keep coming here. One other thing that may ease your mind: anyone that you see at a face to face meeting is there for the same reason you are: because they have a desire to stop drinking. Now, since I've posted 3 times today (even though I have less than a year) I will shut up and let someone else give their ES&H. Love to all....
Member: AndyM
Location: W.Pa
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 04:14 PM
Helen I was in the program for 23 years prior to having a heart attack&heart surgery.At that time I wasnt attending meetings or anything else related to AA.I read in the paper that a glass of wine was good for your cholestrol,I started drinking wine w/dinner,after that first glass it was Katie Bar the door,2years later i finallt quit drinking again and during that 2 years I almost lost my wife,son and grandchildren, you see I am an alcoholic I cant drink like normal people.That glass of wine did nothing for me except bring on a whole lot of paronoia, the shakes, guilt and damm near homeless plus the physical degradation to my system. I dont know if your an alcoholic or not, you have to decide that,I know I am because I drank to excess and in my case that glass of wine for cholestrol was nothing more than excuse.
Member: AnnieM
Location: NY
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 04:23 PM
((Barbara H)) Welcome back to AA. ((Helen S)) NOONE is too far gone to go to AA. Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. I didn't drink every day either; I held my job, cleaned my house, ran my errands, etc. But when I drank, man did I drink. As the years went by, I was drinking larger quantities, more frequently. This is progressive. If you have concerns, it is much easier to stop than to try to play a balancing game. Many of us were scared to share at F2F meetings, or to even walk in the door. The folks at whatever meeting you decide to go to will have all been there once; they will welcome you warmly. ((Karen K)) Check out the link that Phil posted above. ((Amy U)) The thinking and the habits and the triggers can be reprogrammed thru AA. You are very fortunate to have your girlfriend's support. I was also domestically productive while I drank; but ya know what? I'd rather be sober and sane, stepping around the dust bunnies! ((RobinM)) This is a wonderful site; but F2F meetings and a sponsor are highly recommended. Good luck to all of us! Anne
Member: AnnieM
Location: NY
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 04:28 PM
When I said "reprogrammed" in my above post to Amy, I didn't mean that literally....I mean that we can learn to change our thinking. I clarify this because my husband looks at AA as a cult and thinks I will be brainwashed -- so in case anyone else out there shares his misconceptions, no one is going to brainwash and reprogram you!! Anne ;-)
Member: Svjetlana
Location: Croatia
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 05:06 PM
Hi.I am a 20 year old alcoholic. I had exacty 20 days of sobriety when I got drunk again. Now I am back on 3 days. Weekends are critical for me, I rarely drank on weekdays because I am student and living with parents. I managed to put off my drinking until I go out, because I had to study and my mother would notice if I am drunk, she did that once. My father is drinking. He now drinks a little less, because of his health and lack of home made brandy (which we both drank but he didnīt know that). Two years ago he drank a lot and argued with my mother and me. He was always drunk by the early evening and insolted us if we talked to him, so we avoided him. On my 19th birthday he provocated me before guests to the point I started crying and went to my room. I hated him then because of alcohol, but it didnīt prevent me from drinking. It actually was the time I started drinking a lot more than I already was, and it already was a lot. The waiter in the bar we went to always knew what I will order. I never drank soft drinks, only vodka and brandy I brought in a bottle from home. I had my own reasons for drinking- I didnīt have courage to solve my problems and I used alcohol as a comfort. Somwhere along the way I did solve my problems and the only reason for drinking became getting drunk, but I always find some empty excuse that is no excuse at all. 3 weeks ago I admitted I had a problem because I lost my drivers licence for 3 months because of drunk driving. On Friday I got drunk again, and I have a complete black out of that night. Yesterday I finally admitted I am powerless over alcohol. I want to stop. I donīt want to repeat the shame of asking my friend what I was doing. It certanly wasnīt the first time I asked her that question, she heard it a lot. But I guess I am sick of it. And I am sick of hurting myself this way. I used to think of alcohol as my friend, but I realize now it is nobodyīs friend. It is a worst enemy.
Member: Lisa T.
Location: Wisconsin
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 09:21 PM
Thanks for this site for newcomers! I seem to last for about 3 months, things begin to improve financially and in my personal life, I get cocky about it and think that THIS TIME, I can JUST drink tonight and no one will ever know. Right... a week later when I end up in a hospital detoxing most people have figured it out. And the mental torture ("why? why? how could I have made such a mess of things again...") is just as bad as the physical withdrawal. And the hole is harder to crawl back out of everytime. But I do crawl out of it, and as long as I remember that alcohol is not to be played with, it wins every time, and I keep that foremost in my mind, and I ADMIT that I am having cravings to other people in recovery, it is easier.
Member: Miranda C
Location: Vermont. USA
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 10:23 PM
Hi to Amy, Kirsten, Helen Svjetlana and everyone I missed, This is mostly to Svjetlana because we've been talking (e-mailing)on the side but it's for everybody else too. You know for me it wasn't like I just quit drinking - boom- that was it, I never drank again. It took me a couple of tries and who knows there may be more drinking in store for me. I hope not but there may be. I've heard that the only step we have to do perfectly is Step One - admitting we were powerless over alcohol. Maybe it's a step we have to do over and over again too. I've also heard that there is no time limit on doing these steps (which is a good thing for me to hear because I'm still between step 3 and 4 and it's been over seven months since I had my last drink.) Step 1 was real hard for me because I wasn't drinking and so being of a literal turn of mind I said "I'm not drinking so how can I be powerless over alcohol? Obviously I'm not powerless over it because I'm not drinking it" But that's not what it means. We are powerless over what alcohol does to us, how it makes us feel, how we drink it. But the thing is, you aren't weak or wrong to go out and drink. You have a disease and the disease is called alcoholism and the disease wants you to drink. The only way to keep this dreadful progressive disease in remission is to not drink, just not drink, no matter what, no matter how you feel, no matter what life throws at you. Now it's possible to do this without going to face to face meetings and I'm saying this because number one , it's true and number two some don't live where there ARE any meetings like Svjetlana. Going to face to face AA meetings make it a heck of a lot easier but you CAN do it without going to any. If any of you do live in areas where there are meetings though, do yourselves a favor and go. If you meet somebody you know, well they're there for the same reason you are. For those of you who can't get to a meeting for whatever reason, just remember you aren't alone and you don't ever have to be alone again.
Member: Mark
Location: Canada
Date: July 30, 2002
Time: 10:41 PM
I am Mark and I am still an alcoholic. I went out and proved it again last week. But one day at time and I will try it again. I am sober today. I will post here every day.
Member: david k.
Location: 29 palms CA
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 12:18 AM
hi! i'm david.....and i am also STILL an alcoholic (((mark))) and i've got 3 plus years of sobriety. just keep coming back, and remember the first step. (((ammie))) this is a selfish program--you must think of yourself first and foremost. if your husband wants to go down the toilet, his hand's on the flusher, not yours. i was fortunate--i was the only drunk in the family. our throughts and prayers are with you for we all know what hell it is to get sober. you may need to leave your situation to get sober. dk
Member: david k.
Location: 29 palms CA
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 12:18 AM
hi! i'm david.....and i am also STILL an alcoholic (((mark))) and i've got 3 plus years of sobriety. just keep coming back, and remember the first step. (((annie))) this is a selfish program--you must think of yourself first and foremost. if your husband wants to go down the toilet, his hand's on the flusher, not yours. i was fortunate--i was the only drunk in the family. our throughts and prayers are with you for we all know what hell it is to get sober. you may need to leave your situation to get sober. dk
Member: Cec H
Location: Cowtown
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 03:44 AM
I can only talk about my situation living with a person who is still drinking and using.When I was five months sober my girlfriend came back.I was over joyed and promised to her and to myself never to do what I had done to make her leave in the first place.The Honeymoon lasted six months,after the birth of our first daughter, she started back into the drinking and drugging. I started to go to more meetings and started to attend Al-Anon meetings. Didn't help her any but it sure help me. 37 days short of my 2nd year clean & sober I left her and by now my two daughters. The choice had boiled down to ,if I stay not only would I lose her but I would lose myself. If I left at least I'd still have me and the person I was becoming. So I chose me. Hardest decision I ever made. But you know something it was worth it. I like the person I am to day and I like the life that I have thanks to this program.
Member: Cec H
Location: Cowtown
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 03:49 AM
I can only talk about my situation living with a person who is still drinking and using.When I was five months sober my girlfriend came back.I was over joyed and promised to her and to myself never to do what I had done to make her leave in the first place.The Honeymoon lasted six months,after the birth of our first daughter, she started back into the drinking and drugging. I started to go to more meetings and started to attend Al-Anon meetings. Didn't help her any but it sure help me. 37 days short of my 2nd year clean & sober I left her and by now my two daughters. The choice had boiled down to ,if I stay not only would I lose her but I would lose myself. If I left at least I'd still have me and the person I was becoming. So I chose me. Hardest decision I ever made. But you know something it was worth it. I like the person I am to day and I like the life that I have thanks to this program.
Member: Helen S
Location:
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 07:05 AM
Hi all, Helen S here! I'm finding this site a real suppport. Thanks for all the sharing. ((AnnieM)) ((AndyM)) ((ColleenA)) ((MarkD)) Thanks for your kind words of support at this difficult time. I'm still struggling with the idea of going to a f2f meeting. The trouble I have is with the steps in the program. I guess I have a problem with accepting that I have no control over alcohol. I've known for a long time that I haven't been drinking "normally" since I've been drinking on my own or concealing the fact that it wasn't just a coke I was drinking while watching the tv with my partner. But so far, I guess I have controlled it to a certain extent, apart from one disastrous incident which I'd prefer not to go into. But on the whole nobody noticed when I drank until I came out and told a few close people. Can I do it without going to AA? The last few days I actually feel better but in your experience is it only a temporary measure? I haven't wanted or needed a drink in the last few days, I know my humor is better but then there's a number of parties and social events coming up where there'll be booze. I don't know about you all but I live in a country where people drink too much and question people who don't. I feel sort of different to other people now because I have this "problem". When I drink socially, I don't normally drink too much but sometimes I feel it helps me come alive and be less quiet. The funny thing is that I never drank as a student, which is normally the time when people over-indulge in my country. But something happened to me in the last few years...I have to say that I haven't hurt the people close to me until the past few months - my partner most of all. I'm not an abusive person when I get drunk - I just tend to go to sleep. Sometimes when I'm out socially I get a bit more confident and more chatty but not down and out drunk. Ok so I'll stop now. Can anyone relate to this and have any advice to offer? Thanks again. Helen S
Member: Beth H.
Location: Canada
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 09:55 AM
Back again. Day 5. What a beautiful number! Yesterday was very difficult, for many reasons. 1) Flat-out boredom. 2) The annoying neighbours that I've managed to avoid for two weeks came by. 3) I feel so good and healthy and calm. Maybe I'm mistaken? Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic. Maybe I'm not powerless after all. But I pulled on those reins real damn quick. I'll just have two glasses of wine and then stop - that sounded like a big fat lie even to me. Why? Because I was planning on going out and buying a 3 litre cask of wine. For just a glass or two. Man, this disease is sneaky! But I didn't drink. I went to the store to get supper, but just getting out of the house for a little walk erased the craving. I walked past the wine store and the beer store without too much difficulty. Helen S., you sound a lot like me. I find it helpful to do what they all say: One Day At A Time. If I think ahead to the next family dinner, wedding, Christmas, whatever, I feel overwhelmed, and I'm done before I even start. And if I think about the steps too far in advance (boy, number 4 is gonna be hard) the same thing. I'm still struggling with number 1 - who knows how long it'll take me to move on? Oh well, it's all in the getting there. ((Phil A.)) Wotcheer! My husband's a Geordie. Clarts plodgin, tettie howkin, pint suppin - apparently it's all part of a Geordie's CULTURAL HERITAGE. A culture that supports alcoholism (I know, I'm Canadian) is a double whammy when you've already got the gene. Well, at least yer never a bloody southerner ;). Anyway, here I am, feeling good, but not proud. After all, I'm just doing what needs to be done. But I am doing it. Hope I can keep it up!
Member: AnnieM
Location: NY
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 10:44 AM
((Beth)) - you sound great! ((Helen)) - don't worry about the Steps yet. The entire concept of AA was very difficult for me. However, you can try a meeting and just take from it what you like and leave the rest. You don't have to "sign up" and swear to work the Steps. After a few weeks, I asked my sponsor about starting on the Steps, and she said it was too soon for me, all I needed to do was not drink, and go to meetings. Don't get overwhelmed by the big picture, and everything in AA are suggestions, not requirements. The only requirement is the DESIRE to stop. Anne
Member: Helen S
Location:
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 12:22 PM
Beth H, Thanks for your kind words. Do you mind if I ask how far along the road you are? How did you start? For me, this is relatively new although I've known and worried about what I've been up to for some time. I still go to work and work hard, I never drink in the morning or the afternoon. I just can't understand how I've ended up in this pickle. Still struggling with going to AA. Went to 1 meeting of a group that is not AA but focuses just on women. They were really nice but were all 20+ years down the path and a lot older than me. They were almost wondering what I was doing there since I hadn't been in treatment, hadn't caused any grief to my family and my job hadn't suffered. But I have to say, it did help me see what could happen in the future if I don't get this under control. Is that possible do you think? I do often like that "kick" you get from alcohol and that feeling of momentary "confidence" and "escape". Does that make me an alcoholic? Helen S
Member: kirsten
Location: montreal
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 12:42 PM
hi everyone. I'm on day 4 and I can already feel some complacency setting in. I've only been to 1 meeting so far (this time around) I saw my therapist yesterday. I had no idea that he was also an addictions councelor. He threw me for a loop by dissing ( maybe this is a bit strong.. challenging?) AA. He encouraged my own responsibility for my actions and the self esteem issues that cause me to damage myself. I could go on about his opinions, but I won't . This isn't the place. I am in a strange spot. An option other than AA? or a sure failure in sobriety? hmmm. Been doing the AA thing for 10 years and haven't caught on yet... Hey old timers and newcommers a like, any thoughts?
Member: AndyM
Location: W.Pa
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 01:47 PM
AnnieM If you look at the steps you will find the word alcohol in the first step, that is the only place you will find that word mentioned in the steps, my lifestyle was manifested by my alcoholism, it brought out all of the character defects,in order for me to change how I thought I had to do away with the basis of that behaviour(alcohol).Whether or not you wish to call it a cult,reprogramming or whatever that is entirely up to you, however I had to quit drinking first and foremost, then and only then could I work on the following steps,whichBTW in my opinion are what I refer to as the lifestyle steps,I had to change my lifestyle in order to stay sober,i am convinced that if I didnt change I wouldnt be able to stay sober.All you have to do in accepting the fact that you are powerless over alcohol is sit down and think what happened to you everytime you were drinking,you may be surprised to find that when you were drinking a lot of trouble and confusion would come your way, at least that is true in my case,acceptance is difficult no doubt about it, our egos wont allow us to admit we are powerless over booze,dont play the head game if you do your not going to get ahead.
Member: Diane
Location: NJ
Date: July 31, 2002
Time: 01:47 PM
My name is Diane and I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I have only been in the program for a couple of months and just celebrated my 90 days yesterday. I am living with someone who doesn't really understand the addiction thing. They never really saw me in full bloom! I gave up alcohol a long time ago and went to drugs instead. Then when drugs weren't good because of my job I went back to alcohol. Hey it's legal right? My life has been one big basket of crap for a very long time and the drugs and alcohol were there to numb me from any feeling that I could possibly have. When I decided that my life realy was becoming unmanageable I knew I needed help. Thankfully I had someone very close to help me through. My partner is a drinker - not alcoholic but does drink. We are invited to alot of parties where there is plenty to go around. I try to explain that It isn't good for me to be there but she doesn't understand that. "Oh come on, one drink or two isn't going to hurt?" It does hurt me because I can't stop once I start. It takes a whole lot of willpower, and faith in God to get me through alot of times. I will call someone if I am really in trouble but ultimately it is up to me to make that decision. That' all there is - Just for today I won't drink or drug! Thanks to all who are out here to help. I don't post very often but this time I felt that I needed to.
Member: test
Location: test
Date: August 01, 2002
Time: 07:23 PM
test
Member:
Location:
Date: August 01, 2002
Time: 07:41 PM
test
Member: George C Sylvester
Location: Charlotte ,North Carolina
Date: August 01, 2002
Time: 08:27 PM
I tried AA, the rotten folks at EAS & EAP railroaded me into it. They said "Your to stupid to have depression, you must be an acholic/drug addicate." They were so wrong. Now I an out of aa and I don't use or drink. I didn't before going to aa. AA is a joke. You people should go out and have a few drinks and live a little. One or two drink won't hurt you. I don't drink so have one for me.
Member: Glen
Location:
Date: August 01, 2002
Time: 09:37 PM
Kirsten, there are many programs that lead to sobriety, AA is but one, albeit the most successful in some respects. My thoughts, since you asked? Pick one program and use it the way you did the booze - for all it's worth. Something tells me that most of them work if only we put the same effort into it as we did trying to find ways to drink and drug.
Member: Mark
Location: Canada
Date: August 01, 2002
Time: 09:47 PM
This is Mark in Canada and I am sober today. I am grateful for that and will continue posting here every day. I like this websidt and want to keep hearing from all the new visitors.
Member: Michaela M
Location: France
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 08:21 AM
Hi, I'm Michaela alcoholic & addict of more. I think it must be tough to live with anyone that is an active alcoholic and/or addict. From personal experience I know that I find it difficult just being around alcohol on a regular basis. As far as I know there are not any alcoholics, other than myself in my family, however they do drink on a regular basis within the home and I know that I need to accept this as normal behaviour and not look at what they are doing, instead look at what it is I need to do. Sometimes it is easier to go for a walk, a swim, read a book, or lately I have taken up cross-stitching. All these things occupy me so that instead of looking at the drinking going on around me and building up unnecessary resentments I have something to occupy myself. Both the Living Sober and First Year of Sobriety Books are very useful for making suggestions on occassions that you find difficult. Another situation I have come across and have only become aware of very recently is alcohol in food. My family use red wine in spagetti bolognaise, which is the usual thing to do. I had to ask if either this could be left out or if not then I would cook myself something seperate. This created a bit of an atmosphere as I was told that this is how the dish has always been cooked. Does anyone have any suggestions in cases like this? Is it easier just to let the subject go and eat the food anyway? Or perhaps should I have tried to make my point of view clearer some how? I had already said that I didn't want to eat any food that had been cooked with alcohol. I have been told by my family that all the alcohol is cooked out of it, does anyone know if this is the case? Happy sobriety to you all Love Mikki
Member: Beth H.
Location: Canada
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 08:54 AM
I'm pretty disappointed with myself today. Last night my husband and I plowed through a litre of wine and nearly a 12-pack of beer. I feel like absolute shit this morning, physically and mentally. What happened? I don't know. I have no excuses. I knew I was going to get drunk right from the beginning. Today I'm going to call my local hotline and find weekday meetings to go to, every day if possible. I don't know how many times I have to prove to myself that I can't drink. Oh well, back to the drawing board.
Member: AnnieM
Location: NY
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 09:41 AM
((Beth)) Don't beat yourself up; just try to learn from your experience. It took me 25 years to learn that I can't drink. I don't suggest you wait 25 years, but my point is, beating yourself up is not going to help you any. Just pick up the pieces and move forward. Hope you get to a meeting today ;-) ((Mikki)) Is it a falacy that the alcohol cooks off and only the flavor remains? I thought that when cooking with wine, all the alcohol burns off. DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT, but maybe something to investigate. Anne
Member: Ed
Location: Canada
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 10:45 AM
It was about a year ago that we had a discussion on the Coffee Pot regarding alcohol in food and the general concensus supported by scientific research was that as long as it had been heated sufficiently that it was safe.
Member: Kelly F.
Location: St. Louis
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 10:56 AM
Hi ((all)), Kelly F./alcoholic. (((Michaela))) I took my mom to her friend's for lunch the other day, and she told us she was serving bratwurst..... boiled in beer first, then barbequed. At first I just sat there thinking,"oh, that's ok, it'll be boiled." However, after about 30 seconds, I just didn't feel comfortable, so I went to the kitchen (she had the bottle of Bud Light in her hand.... not even a premium lager, eh?? lol) I told her that I would prefer a bratwurst plain, without the beer, as I was on medication. I know that explanation is less than honest (I'm not on medication), but for me, it doesn't matter whether the alcohol evaporates or not.... and I'm not really afraid of slipping over it (although I have heard of people doing that!) -- I just know that sobriety gives me so much in living within a "comfort zone" on any issue that when I feel uncomfortable about something, I know it means I have to take some action. So, what I am trying to say is that if YOU feel uncomfortable about the wine in the spaghetti sauce, it's ok to follow your own instincts about it. Which may mean cooking your own sauce... Love to all (((newcomers))) - Thanks to all for sharing so honestly.
Member: Olivia G.
Location: Ontario, Canada
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 11:38 AM
Beth H. Must have been something in the air last night, because I sound like you last night. Except no wine just beer. This morning I am not feeling too great either. It took my vehicle breaking down again - 8th time since March - to give me the excuse I needed. As soon as I opened that first beer I knew I was a goner. I will start again today. I quit smoking over two years ago and if I can do that I can quit drinking too! I find it hard to try and quit when there is still someone in the house drinking. I realize that if he wants to continue that is his problem, mind you with two children to finish raising it becomes my problem if his drinking causes him to die. Have a great day everyone.
Member: Billy A
Location: MIlwaukee
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 02:58 PM
Hi my name is Billy and I am an alcoholic and addict. I have been proving this to myself almost daily since I was 16. I am 34 now and I know that I cannot quit on my own. In the past I have managed to stay clean and sober for a week here and there and even went 7 months dry in 1995. I now know it is time to surrender- you really cant win this war alone. This is my second day clean and I am truely tired of starting over again and again. Thank you to all who have shared on this site as I have been reading here for a few weeks and I think that it is time to take some action. Maybe this is a war that can be won one day at a time. Thanks for letting me share. Billy A
Member: Phil A
Location: Geordieland UK
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 07:18 PM
((Billy)) Congratulations on day two. Try not looking at Alcoholism as a war or battles as they can be lost and won. Alcoholism is a three fold disease Physical, Mental and Spiritual. What we csn achieve is a daily reprieved from alcohol contingent our spiritual conditions. I couldn't do this alone neither, AA has been working for me for over three years now and it's all one day at a time. Have you been to a meeting yet, if not the number for your local helpine wil be in the phone book. I started drinking when I was fourteen and stayed dry for about four month's once. I wasn't so much a daily drinker, but when I wasn't drinking I was thinking and planning the next drink in the end I got sick of being sick and I wanted out of it because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do this alone and my drinking was getting a whole lot worse and getting me in more and more trouble. GeordieWally@aol.com
Member: Robin M
Location: Idaho
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 07:22 PM
(Beth) and (Olivia), geez, can I relate. I have just been able to put 6 days together. My husband is an active alkie and has been for about 35 years. But we've only been married about 3. We have been each other's best drinking buddies from the first time we met. I know that I must get sober, and stay sober, for my health, sanity, and even my marriage. (Because when I drink and blackout, the nightmare begins). But I feel him pulling away emotionally, physically, and, although I feel so much better about myself these days, and hope that he can see that in me, I'm also very afraid that since I'm not drinking and he is, that eventually I'll be faced with the excuse that "oh well, why not drink myself to death right along with him?" But who will raise the youngster? To all the others who post here, I have gotten so much encouragement and excellent words of advice that help me know that I'm not alone, I don't have to do this alone, and there is someone only a phone call away! And keep your eyes focused upward, toward your HP. Because in Him all things are possible! And He can be counted on at all times, even when we mere mortals sometimes can't be. Love and peace to all, and hopefully a new 24 hours of being sober.
Member: Robin M
Location: Idaho
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 07:22 PM
(Beth) and (Olivia), geez, can I relate. I have just been able to put 6 days together. My husband is an active alkie and has been for about 35 years. But we've only been married about 3. We have been each other's best drinking buddies from the first time we met. I know that I must get sober, and stay sober, for my health, sanity, and even my marriage. (Because when I drink and blackout, the nightmare begins). But I feel him pulling away emotionally, physically, and, although I feel so much better about myself these days, and hope that he can see that in me, I'm also very afraid that since I'm not drinking and he is, that eventually I'll be faced with the excuse that "oh well, why not drink myself to death right along with him?" But who will raise the youngster? To all the others who post here, I have gotten so much encouragement and excellent words of advice that help me know that I'm not alone, I don't have to do this alone, and there is someone only a phone call away! And keep your eyes focused upward, toward your HP. Because in Him all things are possible! And He can be counted on at all times, even when we mere mortals sometimes can't be. Love and peace to all, and hopefully a new 24 hours of being sober. Robin
Member: Anne M
Location: NY
Date: August 02, 2002
Time: 07:36 PM
(((((((((((((((Robin M)))))))))))))))) So very very very glad to see you posting here! Love you bunches, AnnieM
Member: John R.
Location: Alabama
Date: August 03, 2002
Time: 07:48 AM
Hi, my name is John and I'm an alcoholic. I've probabaly said that more than a thousand times at meetings. By the grace of God I've been without a drink for almost 8 years. For some reason, I'm haveing trouble dealing with life on life's terms lately. I have'nt wanted to drink (yet), but I have had some nasty drinking dreams that seem very real and very scary. Any suggestions on how to get back my subconscience serenity.
Member: David W
Location: Summit, NJ
Date: August 03, 2002
Time: 08:57 AM
David, an alcoholic. This site has had awesome posts this week that have really helped me. The sharing from all the newcomers about the feelings during the first few days of sobriety or after that last drunk have really brought me back to how I felt when I was hitting my bottom. I couldn't understand how I could let my drinking and drugging sprees happen over and over when I new it was wrong for me and hurting me. I had a realization of my condition, I admited that I was an alcoholic and that I was powerless over alcohol -- I couldn't stop drinking until I REALY admitted that I was an alcoholic and took the 1st step. I was told "first things first", so not drinking or smoking pot for 24hrs was all I focused on, because I hated feeling the way I did after those last drinking episodes. The 24hrs have piled up. I am so grateful that I found the AA program,(there may be other ways to get sober, but I know I have witnessed countless numbers of people succeed by following the steps outlined by AA) -- in the begining all I focused on was not picking up that first drink, as time has passed I've learned so much more about who I am and how to change myself in positive ways -- it can be such a cool journey, meeting life on lifes terms, with others on that same journey sharing their experiences, strength and hope day after day and year after year with one another, helping each other. I was young when I found AA and I thought that stopping drinking meant that I wouldn't be able to have fun any more. I sure was wrong about that. Anyway I just wanted to thank everyone for the great posts and encourge the newcomers to keep coming back, it gets better. I am pulling for all of you to avoid drinking one day at a time. It sure is great to see you post your progress here - keep it up, whether the progress is good or bad, I think telling people in AA about it will be helpful for everyone. As for living we active drinkers, I haven't been in that position since I first got sober, (I did grow up with an alcoholic father), any way I feel like I can't do much about other peoples drinking, I can only focus on what is right for me. I will say that after I stopped drinking, many others I knew, starting with my best friend, decided on their own that they also had a problem with drinking and got sober - it's amazing how things changed for me all because I didn't drink for one day at a time. My new favorite saying is ****SOBRIETY ROCKS**** - I first saw it on stayingcyber - I can't recall the name of the person who puts that at the end of their posts, but I like it.
Member: kirsten m
Location: montreal
Date: August 03, 2002
Time: 11:13 AM
hi everyone, kirsten here - alcoholic. Well. it's 1 week today. wow. I have to admit, it wasn't all that tough, but I got very scared last week and fear is a powerful motivator. I went out last night. Getting ready to go was hard. What? No beer while I put on my make-up? Usually I would have downed at least 4 beers just getting ready... we went to the resto with a couple. She also has our problem ( you know... the drinking problem). She had two years this spring when she slipped. She was making it so difficult for me. She wanted a partner in crime. For example, she wanted us to go the the washroom together ( women, go figure), but the second she was out of her hubby's sight, she was at the bar ordering us tequilla shooters. I'm like: " hey, not tonight, I'm being good" and it was constant harrassing in return: "c'mon, you dont have your kids tonight. This is the night you're suppposed to party. You were confused last week, but the deal is that when they ARE around you keep clean and when they AREN'T you drink!" I am so happy and grateful that I am okay today. I have no hangover, no remorse. I can't breathe coz I smoked too much, but that's another addiction to be dealt with another time So, friends, I hung on to every word you have written here this week and I just wanted to thank you all for posting. I was sitting at 2 am waiting for them to finish their drinks and thinking about you guys! One day at a time and a hell of alot of praying and here I am! saturday morning and 1 week sober. god bless! k.
Member: gordon m.
Location: lochwinnoch scotland
Date: August 03, 2002
Time: 01:20 PM
Hi all,my name is gordon and i;m an alcoholic sober by the grace of god &the program&people of a.a I first came to a.a in 1974 a snivelling remorseful hopeless[I THOUGHT] apology of a man, not believing I was an alkie but that I just had a slight problem,I have been reading the shares on this page [ and thanks to all who shared] and I;ve come to realise that no matter where we live the stories the same, [we drink alcohol and it takes us down the road to distruction & despair, for 11yrs I played at being sober not knowing that I did;nt know what ;being sober; really was like,I read that someone was getting 3m;nths and was drinking, well!! I allowed myself to think I had another illness that I THOUGHT WAS ALL MINE AND i CALLED IT THE THREE MONTHS SYNDROME[HA HA] COS I;d get to 3 months and i;d then say to myself [it wasn;t THAT bad, meanwhile I was going further down the road to dereliction defending drink all the way,so when I finally threw in the towel in 1985 on the 7th april I had to admit YES I was an alkie but I could be a soberone with the help of the aforementioned and since then I;ve faced up to a lot about myself that I couldn;t do before, & you know what? it works nobody told me that it would be easy but it sure as hell is worth it but then anything worth getting is;nt easy to do So here goes during my drinking career I fathered 3 daughters who were promptly taken into care and I never saw them again from1yr old until they were 27yrs old, they went out of my life as babies & came back in as young women, I then had to deal with the fact that cos I;d never BEEN a father to them I couldn;t expect them to call me dad, this was a hard one for me to deal with, but deal with I did,and now 2 of them have decided that they;ve been & seen & thats enough for them, but one of them has stayed in my life[praise god]and has now made me a proud & grateful grandad by having a lovely baby girl who is the apple of my eye [ as well as my daughter of course] I;m also in a loving relationship with a lovely women who puts up with me o.d.a.a.t she is also in the frllowship, I;ve made lots of lovely friends in A.A who have helped me through my sobriety,because of course I ASKED FOR HELP AND GOT so i;ve all you people to thank for my life, p.s. this is my 1st time sharing on this room & I thank you all for allowing me the privelage I;ll be logging on again MAY YOUR GOD GO WITH YOU ALL xxxxx gordon.
Member: gordon m.
Location: lochwinnoch scotland
Date: August 03, 2002
Time: 01:29 PM
Hi all,my name is gordon and i;m an alcoholic sober by the grace of god &the program&people of a.a I first came to a.a in 1974 a snivelling remorseful hopeless[I THOUGHT] apology of a man, not believing I was an alkie but that I just had a slight problem,I have been reading the shares on this page [ and thanks to all who shared] and I;ve come to realise that no matter where we live the stories the same, [we drink alcohol and it takes us down the road to distruction & despair, for 11yrs I played at being sober not knowing that I did;nt know what ;being sober; really was like,I read that someone was getting 3m;nths and was drinking, well!! I allowed myself to think I had another illness that I THOUGHT WAS ALL MINE AND i CALLED IT THE THREE MONTHS SYNDROME[HA HA] COS I;d get to 3 months and i;d then say to myself [it wasn;t THAT bad, meanwhile I was going further down the road to dereliction defending drink all the way,so when I finally threw in the towel in 1985 on the 7th april I had to admit YES I was an alkie but I could be a soberone with the help of the aforementioned and since then I;ve faced up to a lot about myself that I couldn;t do before, & you know what? it works nobody told me that it would be easy but it sure as hell is worth it but then anything worth getting is;nt easy to do So here goes during my drinking career I fathered 3 daughters who were promptly taken into care and I never saw them again from1yr old until they were 27yrs old, they went out of my life as babies & came back in as young women, I then had to deal with the fact that cos I;d never BEEN a father to them I couldn;t expect them to call me dad, this was a hard one for me to deal with, but deal with I did,and now 2 of them have decided that they;ve been & seen & thats enough for them, but one of them has stayed in my life[praise god]and has now made me a proud & grateful grandad by having a lovely baby girl who is the apple of my eye [ as well as my daughter of course] I;m also in a loving relationship with a lovely women who puts up with me o.d.a.a.t she is also in the frllowship, I;ve made lots of lovely friends in A.A who have helped me through my sobriety,because of course I ASKED FOR HELP AND GOT so i;ve all you people to thank for my life, p.s. this is my 1st time sharing on this room & I thank you all for allowing me the privelage I;ll be logging on again MAY YOUR GOD GO WITH YOU ALL xxxxx gordon. p.s. my email address is GMann9@aol.com if anyone wants to email me.
Member: AndyM
Location: W.Pa.
Date: August 03, 2002
Time: 04:50 PM
Ed I agree the alcohol may be cooked off, then again it may not, I dont really know, I do know this if it isnt in the cooking preparation then it is a !00%safe.The problem then becomes it is in the house or you mayhave to go to the store to buy some "for the cooking", personally I feel a lot safer not being around it or buying it for whatever reason,just my opinion, works for me.
Member:
Location:
Date: August 03, 2002
Time: 06:28 PM
Kirsten be careful putting yourself in those situations but good to see you made it.
Member: Bernie S.
Location: Woodside, NS
Date: August 03, 2002
Time: 08:37 PM
My name is Bernie. I am an alcoholic. By the grace of god and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous my sponsor passed on to me using a book called Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not had to take a drink for quite some time. In my early years of AA, when I sat in the back of the room and told myself that someday I would join this group, that someday I would get a sponsor, and that someday I would take a look at those 12 steps...well, I didn't stay sober very long. It didn't matter if I was living with a girl who still drank or thinking about living with one. Because that's not why I drank. It never had anything to do with whether I was in a relationship or not, both were good excuses. And I was good at excuses. It was always easier to blame you for something I did than it was to take responsibility for my own actions. Dr. Silkworth, that fellow who wrote the Doctor's Opinion, said that "we are restless, irritable and discontented until we can again experience the sense of ease and pleasure that comes at once by taking a few drinks." It goes on to say that the cycle of drinking, sobering up, finding excuses for more drinking and sobering up again can only end when the alcoholic experiences a complete psychic change. That, my sponsor told me, is the spiritual awakening we have by applying the 12 steps to our lives. And, having done so, we alcoholics are able to do things that alcoholics should not be able to do. Like being around alcohol, serving it to our friends, keeping it in our homes, etc. An alcoholic who cannot meet these conditions still has an alcoholic mind. The book says there is something wrong with his spiritual status. My sponsor used to say, either the grace of God has entered to expel your obsession or it has not. At certain times, the alcoholic has no effective mental defense against the first drink. That defense must come from a power greater than me. Lack of power, that's my problem. A dilemma, they called it. Anyway, I sound like I'm lecturing. The bottom line is this: Join that group you keep going to. Ask that guy or gal to sponsor you. Get a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous. Take a look at those 12 Steps.
Member: Curtis
Location:
Date: August 04, 2002
Time: 02:22 AM
Time for a new topic.
Member: Madelaine
Location: Texas
Date: August 04, 2002
Time: 02:31 AM
Thanks to Ed for your support. Thanks to all who post here for sharing their experiences. I have 14 days sober now--ODAAT--but the only meeting I have been to is here. I just can't go yet, if ever. I almost drank tonight, but I managed not to. I'm grateful for one more day. This is hard, and anyone who says it's not can't be an alcoholic. Thanks for letting me share.